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Commenting time frame (CST): Oct 28 to Nov 6

Comment Topic: Intrigue is defined as: Arousing the curiosity or interest of; fascinate. If you were to continue reading the spotlighted books, what intrigued you enough to continue? Was it the Author's use of dialogue, and or descriptions, plot, setting or character buildup? Please be as specific and detailed as you can. If you feel you would not continue reading further, be truthful (with diplomacy please) and explain why/how the author might entice you further.

Moderator: mokbook

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Author #1: Avaadore22 [September Prompt Challenge WINNER!]

Book Title: The Furies of Lethra

Specified Chapter: Chapter 2

Summary Thus Far in Book: I had previously spotlighted the first chapter just recently, but for anyone new or anyone that has forgotten- Chapter 1 is where we meet the Furies: Tara and Erin. Together, they make their way through the night to the town of Lethra to murder a man for reasons unknown at this point.

Author's Note: I'm super excited to have a chance to be spotlighted once more. The amount of helpful critique is amazing, and I'm still looking through the previous chapter I had spotlighted to improve my writing. Thank you to everyone in advance for all the help, and thank you for also being so kind.

1. In this chapter, I introduce Damien and Twill, who will be playing a big role in this story down the line. What are your thoughts on these characters? Is there enough description and personality for them for their introduction?

2. Generally speaking, what are the strengths/weaknesses within this chapter? [ex: dialogue, detail, etc.]

3. I'd appreciate any miscellaneous fixes you could find to better improve this chapter, whether it be punctuation, word choice, or anything you can think of! :-)

In-line Comment Preference: Love them

Genre: Fantasy

Rating: PG

Winning Comment: ROUND 60 Comment Topic:

Intrigue is defined as: Arousing the interest of curiosity of; fascinate. If you were to continue reading the spotlighted books, what intrigued you enough to continue? Was it the Author's use of dialogue and or descriptions, plot, setting or character buildup? Please be as specific and detailed as you can. If you feel you would not continue reading further, be truthful (with diplomacy please) and explain why/how the author might entice you further.

This is a bit of a funny situation—this book has actually been on my (long, dear Lord...), list of books to read since I did my critique of the first chapter a while back. And I definitely still want to continue with it after having read this second chapter. I will say that didn't hook me as strongly as the first chapter. Part of that is probably due to the fact that the goings-on in the first chapter were more exciting and thrilling. This is understandable, and some chapters are naturally going to be calmer and slower than others. That is not a flaw.

However, I can also say that the descriptions in the chapter didn't seem up to the same standard as the previous one. The first chapter felt very immersive and absorbing when I read it, and it feels like this chapter is missing that special something. It's like a solid meal but without that special dash of spice that made the previous one so enticing. (It could be that memory and distance have given me something of a rose-colored tint with regards to that first chapter, but I really do recall how much I enjoyed it and also admired the skill shown in it, especially since the author was excelling in an area I struggle with in my own writing—that kind of thing catches my eye.)

he good news is that, if I were determining whether or not to continue reading solely on the basis of chapter 2, not having read the previous one, I would still do so. The interactions between Damien and Twill are interesting and I want to see more of these two—especially Twill. And of course I'm also curious about what the girls' plans for the body are.

And the overall writing style is still good enough that I wouldn't be too bothered by the issues that I see regarding it.

Author's Questions:

Hello, Ava! I hope you're doing well today. Well, time to get started on the questions!

1. In this chapter, I introduce Damien and Twill, who will be playing a big role in this story down the line. What are your thoughts on these characters? Is there enough description and personality for them for their introduction?

Well, with Damien, I feel like we don't get much on him from this chapter, which is probably because of how short it is; the chapter isn't that long, plus you have it split between the guys and the ladies.

In any case, there were three particular things I gathered of him from this chapter:

1. He's very nice and polite in how he deals with people. Unless it was just a matter of somehow being nervous and figuring he HAD to be polite or else, it seems that he really appreciates favors that people do for him, and he makes sure that they know this.

2. He seems to be more or less a transient; when he couldn't make it to his intended destination, he was basically of the mindset that any other place would do fine instead. He both didn't seem to favor any one alternate destination over the others, and also didn't seem that bothered about not getting to Talion itself, so it seemed that he didn't really have strong ties in Talion or any other place. None nearby, anyway; I suppose it's still possible that there's a far-off location, but he doesn't really consider it right now because it's too far away to be a practical destination.

3. He seems to be kinda trusting—perhaps too much so? I mean, Twill certainly SEEMS nice thus far, but Damien definitely got rather comfortable rather quickly. He not only accepted a ride from the guy, but also went to sleep during the ride! For all he knows, he could end up being robbed or something. (Although I don't actually get the vibe thus far that this will happen...)

And then there's Twill. Like Damien, I promptly found him to be a likable enough character, although more strongly so in Twill's personality than in Damien's. Twill comes off as one of those charming, folksy kind of characters. With his age, I wouldn't be surprised if he had advice and experience that he could share with Damien, who sounds on the young side to me. Also, I find it interesting that Twill doesn't seem jaded or cynical at this point in his life, and was quick to offer Damien help. Of course, it could just be that he's gotten good at reading people's vibes over the years, and sensed that the boy was more or less harmless.

(There is always that option of Twill being nice as an act, though...)

Anyway, he seems very pleasant thus far, and I'm curious to see the future interactions between the two.

2. Generally speaking, what are the strengths/weaknesses within this chapter? [ex: dialogue, detail, etc.]

I think the dialogue was probably the strongest point, thanks to your work with Damien and Twill. Both characters had very distinct voices to me, and it was very easy to "hear" them in my head.

When it came to the descriptions in your chapter, I felt like it had a good basis, but needed some tweaking and refining. It was like the basic structure and ideas were there, but it needed to be adjusted in order to bring it to life and make it feel compelling. I could visualize what you were describing, but I didn't FEEL anything from it, you know?

And I think the issues like punctuation, wording, etc. were the biggest weak point of this chapter.

3. I'd appreciate any miscellaneous fixes you could find to better improve this chapter, whether it be punctuation, word choice, or anything you can think of! :-)

Yup, that's my zone! Definitely found some stuff that I think it would be good to consider tweaking. Have it laid out below, under "Additional Notes."

Additional Notes:

Some quick notes before we start (I know I've critiqued your work before, but I figure that mentioning this stuff just in case is still a good idea...) :

For my edits, I'll simply show the revised version of a sentence or paragraph, and then note within brackets what changes were made—and may also elaborate on why, if I feel further explanation of the change is needed. Also, because my edits often involve punctuation, I try to keep things exact. For example, if a specific sentence was at the beginning of a multi-sentence quote, so it has an opening quotation mark but not a closing one, then that's how I'll write it in my revision.

Also, since I can't italicize comments, I use asterisks to mark off the scope of italicization when needed.

Additionally, in order to avoid having comments automatically flagged, I have to alter cursewords by using alterations, like accent marks that aren't normally present in the word. Please just disregard those when you see them.

All right, then—here we go!

Ps. If any of my comments come off tersely, they're not intended that way; it tends to be an issue of time. The less time I have to spare, the more sparse ad direct I'll be in my writing. And of course I'll make subsequent notes shorter when addressing an issue I've already covered. Sometimes "semicolon added" or "unneeded comma removed" is all I feel is needed.

First (from the blurb) : But what happens when the head of the Furies is the one that is the villain? [There appears to be an extra space between "when" & "the."]

Next (moving to the actual chapter now) : "How could I have left out any specific landmarks?..." Damien muttered to himself.

Or: "How could I have left out any specific landmarks?" Damien muttered to himself.

[This statement really felt like it needed a question mark added. The ellipsis issue was tricky, though. (The different rules and styles for using those—argh!)

Normally I would write a sentence with a trailing off question like this:

But I thought...?

But that's for thoughts that are unfinished. Since what Damien asked seems to be a complete question, I decide to try placing the ellipsis after the question mark instead.

Hopefully someone else has a more definite idea of punctuating it. The only thing I feel somewhat confident about is the addition of a question mark.]

Next: Damien kicked up dirt and small rocks to occupy his time and took in all the scenery, which mostly consisted of trees that had just begun to turn shades of red, yellow, and orange. [Changed "began" to "begun." Also added a comma and changed "that" to "which."

The use of "that" suggested a meaning that I don't think you were going for.

Damien kicked up dirt and small rocks to occupy his time and took in all the scenery that mostly consisted of trees that had just begun to turn shades of red, yellow, and orange. (Damien specifically chose to take in all of the scenery that mostly consisted of those trees.)

Damien kicked up dirt and small rocks to occupy his time and took in all the scenery, which mostly consisted of trees that had just begun to turn shades of red, yellow, and orange. (Damien took in the scenery, and that scenery happened to consist of those trees.)

Basically, the first option makes it seem like he was specifically looking for or focusing on a particular type of scenery.

But I think the impression given by the second sentence is more what you intended: he was observing the scenery, and it just so happened to mostly comprise trees starting to turn their fall shades.

Oh, and the comma matters for this, as well.]

Next: Damien made his way toward the road, coming just close enough to its edge to get the driver's attention. [The way this sentence was originally worded had be a bit confused, so I tried to make it a little clearer, based on how I interpreted it. I ultimately took the original sentence to mean that Damien had been walking parallel to the road rather than on it, and then approached it in order to get the driver's attention.]

Next: Damien couldn't make out much more in the distance than a single brown horse keeping a steady pace as it dragged a cart behind him, as well as a lone person whose hat hid his features from the harshness of the sun's rays. [Rearranged the sentence a bit and altered the wording slightly. Having "in the distance" right at the beginning made it sound like Damien himself was also in the distance.

And I changed "one person" to "a lone person" to make it clear that he wasn't simply the only person in/at the cart who was wearing a hat—as in, "There was one person wearing a hat at the party." That sentence would be kinda ambiguous; am I saying that there were multiple people there, but only one was wearing a hat? Or was that hat-wearing person the only one at the party, period?

So that's what I hoped to clarify with my change in wording.]

Next: "WHOA!!" the man yelled. [Changed "a" to "the." Also, made sure it was in lowercase.

"A man," doesn't really now sense here, unless you're using that to reinforce the fact that Damien hadn't been able to tell from that distance whether the driver was a man or a woman. But even so, saying "a man" still made it sound to me like there were other individuals around rather than just those two.

Perhaps saying something like this would work: "WHOA!!" a male voice called out, urging the horse to stop.

Or: "WHOA!!" a male voice called out urgently. ]

Next: The horse stumbled but eventually came to a halt, kicking up a tornado of dirt into Damien's face. ["Fumbled" generally involves the use of one's hands, except in senses where it just means dealing with something awkwardly, like fumbling with questions. However, in a physical sense like this, it really doesn't work for referring to a horse. I think "flounder" is a bit closer to what you were going for here, although it's still not quite there, since it specifically refers to water and also mud.

Honestly, "stumble" isn't quite accurate, either.

It's frustrating, because I'm pretty sure I know what you're talking about here—that sort of ungainly gate or manner of motion that horses get when startled or agitated or having to come to an abrupt stop.

You might end up having to look up glossaries of riding or horse-related terms, or even looking up the topic of how to get your horse to stop smoothly so that you can find out what it's called when a horse does the opposite of that.

Another option would be to further rewrite the sentence. Perhaps something like this:

Its stride thrown off so abruptly, the horse nearly stumbled over its own hooves, but managed to halt in time nonetheless.

In any case, you may also want to reconsider the use of the word "tornado"—it feels like too strong and dramatic a word to describe the dirt it kick up. Plus, "tornado" suggests circular movement.

Of course, I understand if you're trying to avoid the standard word used here—"shower"—and go for something a little more creative. But I don't think tornado quite hits the spot, either.]

Next: He waved his hand back and forth, attempting to clear the air. [Added comma.]

Next: "Ya lost, kid?" the man asked. [Put "the" in lowercase, as it as the two words that follow are directly connected with the quotation—in this case, by forming a dialogue tag.]

Next: Damien looked up at the man, confused. "What happened?" he asked, seeing the old man's forehead wrinkle out of concern. [The part about seeing the old man's expression did not actually contain a speech tag, and couldn't properly be connected with the quotation as it was. So I changed the wording and arrangement a bit in order to remedy this. You could also simply have them as two separate sentences:

He watched the old man's forehead wrinkle out of concern. "What happened?"]

Next: "Thank you so much, sir." [This sentence felt like an odd combo of formal and informal, so I changed "thanks" to "thank you" in an attempt to remedy this and make the sentence uniformly formal, especially since Damien seems to use a formal manner of speaking in general.]

Next: The man gently tipped the brim of his weathered hat and gave Damien a small grin. [Nothing wrong with the sentence itself, but it needs to be placed with the paragraph that follows it—the one where Twill invites Damien to hitch a ride.]

Next: "Thank you so much, sir, really. [There was a space missing between "sir" & "really.]

Next: If Talion had been overcome with the boil, then anywhere he could get would suit him just fine. [Added comma.]

Next: With that final thought, he looked up at the trees and attempted to hide from the sunlight, but failed miserably. [Added "from."]

Next: He unrolled a coarse piece of fabric just enough to place over his eyes and listened to the cart's creaking as it moved across the uneven terrain. [Changed the wording a bit in hopes of helping it flow more smoothly and clearly.]

Next: She shook her head, attempting to clear it of any emotions before finally taking hold of the poorly crafted shoes. [Added comma.]

Next: "Ok, lay him here for a moment." [Added comma.]

Next: Erin studied him silently, eyeing his brown cloth pants, darkened around his inner thighs, followed by a shirt that had been white at some point in time. [Changed "his" to "a." A tiny change, but I it has a slightly better ring in this context, plus it avoids further repetition of "his," since it's already been used two other times in the sentence.]

Next: You again mention the erstwhile white shirt...I think this second mentioning of it might be a bit redundant in this case. Also, you've already stated that it used to be white but is no longer that color, so it sounds contradictory to call it a white shirt again. (I'm guessing it's more like a dingy gray or yellowed tone...)

Although maybe you could write something like this instead to resolve that issue: Her gaze stopped at the freshly released blood seeping out of his lower stomach, continually pooling until whatever small bits of white the dingy shirt might've still possessed were gone for certain. ]

Next: We're going to roll him up in that?" Erin asked, breaking her attention away from the still body. [Added comma.]

Next: Okay, Erin asks how they are supposed to carry the man, heavy as he is. The thing is, I thought they had already carried him—that was the impression I got during the part about Erin having to grab his feet and help Tara, who even said, "Lay him here for a moment." If they were simply dragging him along to a better spot on the floor or only lifting him a few inches above it in order to move him, you might want to further clarify during that earlier section of the chapter. Or you could simply have Erin say something like, "How are we supposed to carry him? Just dragging him out of that closet took all the force I could muster!" (Not necessarily that wording, but my point is the gist of what she's saying—that earlier they were simply dragging him or doing something else that was short of fully carrying him.)]

Next: "It's nearly impossible for one of us to lift someone this size," Tara stated, keeping her eyes fixed on the man's face. [Changed "mans" to "man's."]

Next: Sweat still sat in patternless drops in the stubble above his lip. "Which is why we need to split the weight between us." [Changed the comma between the two sentences to a period, because the first sentence doesn't function properly as a lead-in to the quotation—it doesn't contain the dialogue tag and needed placement of it.]

Next: "You don't mean that we have to...?" [Added question mark.]

Next: Erin turned to look out a cloudy window and watched as the stars slowly vanished behind daylight. As the sunlight peeked over the tip of the shortest mountain, she took a deep breath to drown out the sounds of steel against flesh. [Tweaked the wording a bit here in hopes of creating a smoother flow. I also changed "sun light" to "sunlight." The other notable change is that I switched the order of "flesh" & "steel." "Flesh against steel" makes it sound like it is the flesh is the one taking a proactive role. Like if someone was punching a door, you might talk about the sound of her fist against the door, but you probably wouldn't reverse the order and talk about the sound of the door against her hand. (Well, I suppose you could, but you'd probably have to word it a certain way for it to work.

In any case, Tara is evidently using steel implements to dismember the body, so I view it as steel against flesh, rather than flesh against steel.]

Well, that's about it! I hope you find my notes and feedback here to be useful. Good luck!

Network with this winner: AhsokaJackson

1st runner up: Writervid

2nd runner up: Infinitysbeyond

Final Author's Note: Thank you to everyone! The suggestions and line edits are amazing. Speaking of inline comments...the runners up were awesome with them, and I am so grateful. I would also like to give a random shoutout Tegan1311 for her amazing inline comments as well. But, i could only pick a couple runners up. :( Everyone in NBR is amazing with critique, and I only hope that for the months to come I can do the same. The best part is, you all are extremely warm and friendly so no matter what you all have to say or tear apart, I still dont feel like crying lol! Thank you for being so caring and helping me want to continue with writing.

<3 Ava

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Author #2: field19

Book Title: The Chemist

Specified Chapter: Chapter 38

Summary Thus Far in Book: In New York City, 23 year old Katelyn Carrie, a genius chemist and hopeless heroin addict, possesses the chemical compound of a deadly toxin locked away in her head. The CIA, a ruthless terrorist and her own employer have been chasing her throughout the entire story to get it. To throw wrench into her employer'--and CIA's--plans, Kate steals the stuff stored in vials and buried it in Central Park. This was nothing more than retaliation directed at her mother, Vanessa, who arranged a clandestine sale of the toxin to save her floundering beauty industry empire. After the terrorist kidnaps and tortures her, the CIA "rescues" her from the terrorist before she divulges the information, but continues its elaborate ruse by blowing up her apartment, cancelling her credit cards and setting her loose on the streets of New York. While seeking refuge with her drug dealer, Jen, the only real friend she has left, Kate convinces her to help her set up a meeting with Vanessa to make a deal: the toxin vials in exchange for money so she can leave the city and start a new life. They agree to meet in the Times Square subway station where Vanessa has sent her Director of Security and chief spook, Gunther McGore, to apprehend her.

Author's Note: Thank you, NBR, for the invitation. The professionalism of the people who run this program is evident. Feedback is very important to me as I learn the craft of writing. Most of the members of my writers group can write rings around me, so I am more than able to take any criticism that I deserve. Improvement can only come with honest impressions.

My questions:

1.    Action scenes don't work without excellent pacing. How should I improve the writing to achieve this?

2.    What do you think of the characters? I know it's chapter 38, but did I provide enough information for you to determine what each one is about.

3.    What new ideas do you have about what decisions the characters should make and things they should do during the chase that would make it more believable or interesting that what I have?

In-line Comment Preference: Welcome

Genre: Thriller (Espionage)

Rating: PG-13

Winning Comment: #NBR

Your story seems so original and interesting---we're very excited to read it. With that being said, let's jump into the review, and your questions will be woven in throughout (as well as the CT) →

>"Kate wore one of Jen's gray pullover hoodie(s)."

>"Having pulled the drawstrings out tight, so that not even her hair was showing." Considering taking the comma out of this sentence because it slows the pace down in the sentence and it isn't particularly needed.

>"The cacophony of people this time of day mid-day shopping..." Since you already said 'day' once, the word 'mid-day' seems a little redundant. Try saying 'mid-afternoon' instead.

>We love how you described the noises that the train made as it was stopping in your second paragraph there. We could hear the way it was humming, feel it, almost, stopping and screeching to a halt. Great job with that.

>"How should I know, this was your idea?" This only sounds awkward because in the context of the sentence, 'this was your idea?" isn't really a question. It's the "how should I know" part that is a question, so try stating it in two sentences like this: "How should I know(?) This was your idea."

>"That guy I told you about, (t)he big guy with dirty blond hair." The t after the comma is lowercased.

>"Knowing she couldn't follow it, given the vague description." We suggest cutting out the comma because the sentence will flow a little better. The comma there suggests an unneeded pause.

>"If we get separated, I'll come back to your place. Okay?" The character Jen just said okay previously, thus making the word sound repetitive. Try "all right," "alright," or "sounds good," as other options.

>For the character's texting "war," as stated in the story :), consider putting it in italics or bold to separate it from the rest of the story. This will really help set apart from the other text and make it less confusing when the narrative comes back to play against in the story after their texting 'war' is over.

>'$$$ for vials' should be in quotation marks like the other texts.

>When the story says, "I'm not going to giver her 1 million dollars," who was thinking/saying/texting this was a bit unclear. Maybe you could start off this sentence with an introductor to really clear this up: "Kate thought, she wondered, she texted...something like that."

>"When she thought Jen's plan was a glorified crap shoo(...) when, a police officer approached her." Take out the comma here because it isn't needed inside the flow of this sentence here.

>"This didn't make any sense to her and she was completely thrown off. "What have I done?" she challenged him." The dialogue tag "she challenged him" is not needed because you already have the phrase before the "what have I done?" which lets the readers know who is speaking, so consider taking out that last "she challenged him."

>"Kate grew defensive(,)" Consider changing this to a period because this by itself is a sentence, a full sentence, but not really a fragment of a piece of sentence dialogue.

>"She said, totally p*ssed," as Nils..." So how does she feel here? Could you describe what she feels when she gets angry...her bones tightening, her jaw clenching, her fingertips fiddling with her pockets? What does it feel like to Kate when she feels p*ssed off?

>"Exasperated Nils repeated himself, "I'll have to take you in, Miss," he said..." Take out one phrase or the other, but you don't need both. We suggest taking out the "he said," and making the phrase "Exasperated Nils repeated himself(:) With that colon there.

>"Nils hand started to shake her as she felt an tinging..." 'As she felt (a) tingling.'

>"She knew she had no escape route now, but realized. The door was locked." Try this instead: "She knew she had no escape route now, but realized the door was locked."

Action. Crackles.

That's what action does. It snaps and crackles like fire, flickering and twisting in the light of the story, building up and building up tension and tension until, eventually, the characters get to their end result in a spine-tingling ending--which, in your chapter, was Kate getting away from Gunther.

We felt this in your story in some ways...we liked how there was a lot of it and it really built, built, built the tension until we felt like gasping because we wanted to know more. You had us drinking in the words--your words--of guns and fights upon a train station...and the plotline that happened was stunningly amazing. So great job with this--but action still crackles.

There was a lot going on this chapter, so lengthen your sentences...but with less detail about what was going on and more d e s c r i p t i v e phrases. For example, this was one of your action packed sentences: "The rumble of the oncoming train shook the platform and grew louder as all three were running beside it, with only a few people standing in their way."

So what would really make this sentence pop? Get that kick and crackle inside of the words? The answer is simple: The way you word the sentence, and the words you use. Some great words to use while using action words, words that seem 'loud' and just really shake things up, are here:

>Crack (gunshots crackled, the platform sounded like a crackling flame beneath their feet...)

>Exploded (The world exploded around Kate as she skittered backwards, away from Wiggy...pain exploded across her body...)

>Kick (Kate felt that kick of speed in her, her heart kicked like a wavering drum inside her chest, that kick of adrenaline...)

>Things that paint the scene for the body structure of the people doing the actions (So how is Wiggy placed, where does Kate run and how far away is she from Wiggy...or is the world blurry around her? In sharpness around her?)

>Pain (What does she feel, and how does she feel when she's experiencing it?)

We might rephrase the sentence we mentioned earlier with something along these lines: "The groaning rumble of the approaching train shook the platform and only roared louder as Kate, Jen, and Wiggy were soon running beside it. Pain crackled through Kate's bones and jarred her body as the world turned to mush around her; a kick of adrenaline shot through her tired veins as she shoved people out of her way."

Placement and clear sentences are also key when it comes to detail and inside of your action sentences, as well as making sure that everything makes sense grammatically and prose-wise.

Your characters were actually developed very, very well. We love how you made them so quick to the point and so clear. Kate is a no-nonsense strong woman who wants nothing more than to get the job done, and you produced that archetype extremely well, so very great job with that. Your characters are developed through dialogue and personal narrative combined, as well as a bit of internal monologue. These things together prove for a very good character development. Even on the thirty-eighth chapter, you still manage to clearly shine the character's personalities and how they act in certain situations.

The sub plot in the chapter was there, and it was a build up to the primary plot. Kate was speaking with Veronica, and then the fight breaks out. These two parts, sub plot and plot, go very well together and combine to create a thrilling overall chapter. We suggest doing a bit more build up of the first half of the chapter, because although things are already tense at the beginning, we feel that a bit more build up of the characters speaking, maybe more description on where Vanessa is or a bit more elaboration on that part (slowing it down) will be just the thing, and this will really make your action explode at the end. You want everything to be in a chain of events, a reaction of things that send the end bubbling into action. And thus, we would continue reading because of the gun chase and Nils involvement with everything and the entirety of the mystery altogether, but just make sure that those events leading up to the gun chase and action is really super clear (as we stated earlier) by sentence s h o w rather than tell, (which you only had little trouble with), crackling dialogue, (with which it is understandable, makes sense during the time), and how well you visually describe, detail and layout the train platforms.

Hm...new ideas? The decisions should develop as the story carries on, but as for now we always feel that emotional, heart-wrenching moments are needed and always are in a great story...it shows that a character isn't all hard-edges and it really gives you, as the author, a chance to spread some encouragement to someone reading your books through that emotional moment, and in this emotional moment, the character could have a ground shattering change within them that develops who they are becoming as a person towards the end of the story. Examples of this can be seen inside of The Mortal Instruments series, when Clary and Jace are speaking and are having a heart-to-heart about Sebastian...or in Anne of Green Gables, when Marilla is holding Anne because of a tragic loss and Anne is wondering whether she should go off to college or stay in Green Gables. Thing like this are really important to stories, and they allow ideas to soar--as well as emotions.

We really, really, really liked your chapter. You have a great conception of action and it was awesome--so much fun to read about! You have a gift for writing and a wonderful way with words, as well as clever, clever, clever ways for the characters to get out of messy situations, which we admire a lot about your work. It's a piece of art and we can't wait to see what you have in store for us if we choose to read on or if you spotlight another chapter, or if this happens to be a bestseller in stores one day. :)

Once again, thanks so much for reading this review, we truly hope it helped...and we also want to encourage you to k e e p o n w r i t i n g; and best of luck to you and your story! :)

--Stephanie, Rachel, Alison & Clary

Network with this winner:  GirlsCanRockToo

1st runner up: henry_scott

2nd runner up: Not given

Final Author's Note: What a week it was! You all expressed strong opinions--positive and critical--of the chapter. That was exactly what I needed to develop my craft. It gave me hope as well as concern over the excerpt's shortcomings. I will consider each and every comment in my rewrite. Thank you all.

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Author #3: swiftiegirl1010 [TC & NBR board member]

Book Title: Magaia: The Sisters.

Specified Chapter: Chapter 1: The Beginning of Everything

Summary Thus Far in Book: N/A

Author's Note: Hey everyone! It's great to be in the spotlight again. First, I want to thank DawnStarling for giving me this opportunity again, as well as the rest of the Board of Directors for working together to keep this contest running. That being said, I'll get started with my questions.

1. The pacing. I feel like I have a problem with this the most, since most of my chapters are pretty long (about 3000 to 4000 words), and yet whenever I try to shorten it it feels rushed. How can I set the correct pacing for this chapter without making it seem to drag on or feel too rushed?

2. I feel like the chapter has a bit of melodramatic parts just to keep the plot going, when it could've been handled better. If so, how can I make these scenes less dramatic?

3. Characters. I have two characters, Helena and Narrissa, in this chapter. How can I make two of the characters, Helena and Narrissa, stand out without making their characterizations too forced?

Any other suggestions on grammar or descriptions are welcome. Feel free to make any suggestions you like! Can't wait to read all of you guys' comments.

In-line Comment Preference: WELCOME

Genre: Fantasy

Rating: PG-13 (the end might be slightly disturbing to a few)

Winning Comment: Magaia: The Sisters [2nd Critique] (Chapter 1: The Beginning of Everything.)

#NBR Part 1

Author: @swiftiegirl1010

ROUND 60 Comment Topic:

Intrigue is defined as: Arousing the interest of curiosity of; fascinate. If you were to continue reading the spotlighted books, what intrigued you enough to continue? Was it the Author's use of dialogue and or descriptions, plot, setting or character buildup? Please be as specific and detailed as you can. If you feel you would not continue reading further, be truthful (with diplomacy please) and explain why/how the author might entice you further.

I think there are 4 main elements that especially hooked and intrigued me.

The first was the author's ability to create a sense of mystery effectively. She was able to strike that balance where the readers were kept sufficiently in the dark, but without having it be so vague or obscure that we're lost entirely and just end up feeling confused or frustrated.

I think she also handles the length/time issue well with regards to that; you don't want things to be solved or revealed too quickly, but you also don't want them dragged out to where they get tedious or the readers just want you to hurry up and get to the point. Funnily enough, she expressed concern about this in one of her questions, but I think she's actually done a really good job in this area, for the most part. There is perhaps one element of it I noticed that could use some tweaking...but I'll address this in my answer to that question.

The second source of interest and curiosity was the relationship between the two sisters. They obviously have a very difficult dynamic, and with the complicating factor of rulership involved, which has effectively created something of a conflict of interest. Even though WE know that Helena isn't trying to take the throne for herself, it's not hard for someone to be suspicious of what her true motives are here, and it's even gotten to her own sister, apparently.

The third element is Narrissa's involvement with magic. I'm curious about what prompted her to go in that direction in the first place, and I also get the impression that she had a very particular goal or goals in mind with regards to it.

And the fourth element is how the stakes were raised at the end of the chapter. Narrissa's been horrifically injured—due to the actions of her sister...the same sister she suspects of angling for the throne, no less! And then we have Helena's meltdown, which we can only hope doesn't last too long. And what will the consequences of all this be for them both?

Helena's just grievously injured the future queen, yet if the injuries render Narrissa unable to rule, that presumably means that Helena would be slated to take her place. But will people trust her, or will they think that she did this on purpose?

Also, what about Narrissa herself? Her injuries were sustained while she was involved in illegal activities, which adds a whole other twist to how things might play out.

And Lord knows how shot their already messed-up relationship is going to be after THIS!

Also, I'm wondering if there could be additional unintended consequences stemming from that contaminated brew that exploded.

Author's Questions:

Hello, Grace! I hope you are doing well today.

Well, let's get on with the questions!

1. The pacing. I feel like I have a problem with this the most, since most of my chapters are pretty long (about 3,000 to 4,000 words), and yet whenever I try to shorten it it feels rushed. How can I set the correct pacing for this chapter without making it seem to drag on or feel too rushed?

I actually thought you did a really good on the pacing for most of the chapter—see my above answer to the topic question.

The part that I did feel had some issues pacing-wise was the argument between the two sisters. Actually, I hope you don't mind this, but I really feel that the answers to your other two questions actually tie into this whole topic very closely, so I'm essentially going to try and answer all three questions in my response to this one.

The pacing, the drama, the characterization...I feel like all three of these issues basically revolve around that argument. For me, the key thing is that this chapter—especially that section of it—feels like it's meant to be a flash-forward prologue. Basically, we read this chapter, and then in the next we watch Helena making final preparations a day or two before setting off on the trip that she was hair returning from in the prologue.

When the two sisters confronted each other in the chapter, it was made clear that their dispute had a history to it, and that we were basically seeing the culmination of tensions that had been building for some time, which explains the escalation of the argument. To me it did somewhat feel like one of those, "Well, that escalated quickly," moments.

The problem is, even though we are TOLD about their history and what has led up to this—the lengths Helena has gone to and the fact that her sister is both unappreciative of it and suspicious of her motives—we don't really FEEL it all. It's one thing to have someone say, "I've done so much for you! I've gone through all this trouble, and this is your response? Screw you!" But it's another thing to have accompanied the character while they were doing all these things, and I think it makes us able to empathize with them more fully and quickly when they do finally reach the end of their rope. Heck, less would need to be told to us, because we would've already seen for ourselves that they've been going out of their way to help the other person.

And it's not like we need to see everything or months' worth of history. But maybe seeing some of what happened in the meetings and also how difficult it was to set them up in the first place would do the trick.

Also, it might be nice to be able to empathize a little more with Narrissa. Even if she's ultimately meant to be an antagonist and someone we'll dislike, I think giving her some moments where we get inside her head a bit more and see some of her vulnerability would actually help in tamping down some of what you're worried about with the drama and also characterization. Right now she's just the mean, suspicious older sister who is quite literally a witch and is being awful to the well-meaning sister who's trying to look out for her.

We do have a couple of little hints of other sides to her—that part about not understanding motives, which I am guessing relates back to their parents' deaths and how it affected Narrissa—and also that moment where Narrissa was scolding Helena over an alliance she thought she had made. Even though the words themselves were very harsh, I couldn't help but get the impression that even with their hostile relationship, Narrissa was still looking out for her sister and the kingdom overall, and trying to make sure her little sis didn't screw it all up.

Even though Narrissa acted like she didn't care at some points, had she been truly apathetic she wouldn't have spoken up at all.

And of course when she called out to her sister after that explosion...that was truly heartbreaking to read.

In my idea where we see what goes on in the day or two leading up to the trip, I think you could have an opportunity to show what the two sisters are like and how they interact under more normal, less dramatic circumstances. Perhaps you coil subtly show some of the simmering hurt and sense of betrayal that Narrissa seems to feel at her sister's actions.

There's one more idea I have as well, for the actual fight. I don't know if it's really in line with how you're trying to convey Narrissa's personality, but I trust that you can determine whether or not it is, and I think it's worth suggesting:

When Helena talks about the risk that Narrissa will lose her rights to be queen, perhaps you could have Narrissa immediately pretend to be very okay with the situation and calmly reassure her sister that it's fine—a good thing, even—because Helena will be a perfectly capable ruler instead. And when she says it, she says it in a way that sounds 100% sincere, the way you would write it if she actually DID mean that and wasn't being the least bit sarcastic. And of course Helena would be puzzled and would reject the idea, and it wouldn't be until there's been some instance back and forth that Narrissa finally reveals the venom, and gets mad at her sister for denying that she wanted the throne for herself.

That might help in making the fight progress a little more smoothly and not feel like it's too sudden or abrupt.

2. I feel like the chapter has a bit of melodramatic parts just to keep the plot going, when it could've been handled better. If so, how can I make these scenes less dramatic?

Answered in response to Question #1. (Hopefully!)

3. Characters. I have two characters, Helena and Narrissa, in this chapter. How can I make two of the characters, Helena and Narrissa, stand out without making their characterizations seem too forced?

Answered in response to Question #1.

Additional Notes:

Some quick notes before we start: (I now include this for reference with all my critiques, even if I've already done a critique for a given author before and they may still more or less remember how I work.)

For my edits, I'll simply show the revised version of a sentence or paragraph, and then note within brackets what changes were made—and may also elaborate on why, if I feel further explanation of the change is needed. Also, because my edits often involve punctuation, I try to keep things exact. For example, if a specific sentence was at the beginning of a multi-sentence quote, so it has an opening quotation mark but not a closing one, then that's how I'll write it in my revision.

Also, since I can't italicize comments, I use asterisks to mark off the scope of italicization when needed.

Additionally, in order to avoid having comments automatically flagged, I have to alter cursewords by using alterations, like accent marks that aren't normally present in the word. Please just disregard those when you see them.

All right, then—here we go!

Ps. If any of my comments come off tersely, they're not intended that way; it tends to be an issue of time. The less time I have to spare, the more sparse ad direct I'll be in my writing. And of course I'll make subsequent notes shorter when addressing an issue I've already covered. Sometimes "semicolon added" or "unneeded comma removed" is all I feel is needed.

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First (in blurb) : Pangea, the land before the continents, the first roaming creatures, and humanity. [There appears to be an extra space between "continents" and "the."]

Next (on to the actual chapter now) : Holding the umbrella above her head, the footman led her past the saluting gatekeepers and through the open gates. [Changed "pass" to "past." Also, I changed "her footman" to "the footman" since we are already using "her" two other times in the sentence.]

Next: "Did you receive any word," Helena asked him, "while I was staying in Sakira?"

Or: "Did you receive any word?" Helena asked him. "While I was staying in Sakira."

[If the first part of the quotation is incomplete—as suggested by how have the beginning of the second part, "while," in lowercase—then it should end with a comma rather than a question mark.

I also offered a second way of fixing the punctuation, as well; the quotation is the actual question, and then she says "While I was in Sakira" as an afterthought to clarify for the footman what timeframe she is talking about.]

Next: The footman's eyes grew wide. [Added "eyes."]

Next: This lingering sense of doom and gloom wasn't always what filled these walls. [Changed "weren't" to "wasn't." The actual subject of the verb is "sense," which is singular—not "doom and gloom."]

Next: Helena found herself longing, not for the first time, for the warmth and happiness she had once found not only in the castle, but everywhere in the kingdom. [Added "for." Without it you have, "Helena found herself longing the warmth and happiness" rather than "Helena found herself longing FOR the warmth and happiness.]

Next: *Those days are long gone now,* she told herself, straightening her posture. [Italicization added for thoughts.]

Next: As if on cue, something caught her eye. [Changed "queue" to "cue."]

Next: You describe the smell Helena perceives coming from the room as foreign and unlike anything she's ever smelled before, yet you also call it "mundane." That seemed completely contradictory. However, I did notice something just now: later on in the chapter, Helena uses the term "mundane sorcery," which I assume is some sort of technical term there (maybe it's the word used for the non-Mind-Bender humans?). If that's what you meant by "mundane" when referring to the smell, now I at least get it. However, I got lucky there, and I think most readers are just going to be puzzled by the apparent contradiction in terms.]

Next: Her muscles tensed, even at the smallest push. [Added comma. Also, there appears to be an extra space between "tensed" & "even."]

Next: She held the door open, but lost her grip when the stench—only, twice as worse—filled her nostrils. [The commas you used work, but I think dashes coupled with that one comma after "only" might actually be a better choice here. The commas actually had me a bit confused as to what you meant by "only."

Did it mean something like: "Oh, stop complaining! It's only a few more minutes till lunchtime."

Or did it meant "only" as in "except"?

"I would've apologized...only, there wasn't anyone left at the apartment to apologize to."]

Next: Only a yard away from where she stood was her sister, a river of silver hair flowing down her shoulders, back facing Helena. [Spacing between "only" & "a."]

Next: Helena looked around before grabbing a white, ghastly mask from a nearby shelf—the entire room mostly consisted of shelves—and strapping it on. [Changed "strapped" to "strapping."]

Next: "The farther you are away from me, the less of a nuisance you are." [The way the original sentence repeated "far"—"far less" & "far away"—seemed to be a bit much, so I reworded things to limit the sentence to one usage of "far" or its related words.]

Next: For seconds, the only sound was the bubbling of the contents inside the cauldron. [Changed "he" to "the."]

Next: She let out a small laugh. [Added "a."]

Next: Here she was, telling Narrissa that if she continued, the Council would strip away her title of future queen. [Changed "will" to "would."]

Next: "Helena," Narrissa said slowly, "you got what you wanted."

Or: "Helena," Narrissa said slowly. "You got what you wanted."

[Had to change the punctuation and capitalization to be congruent with each other.]

Next: Using her right arm, she propped herself up and inched towards her sister, sliding on her bottom. [Added "and."]

"H—Helena." [The first quotation mark was missing.]

Next: She could've done something to help her sister. [Changed "anything" to "something."

"Anything" sort of sounds like Helena is omnipotent and had unlimited options when it came to helping her sister. I think "something" may convey the point a little better—that she could've chosen a course of action to actually help her sister or at least ATTEMPTED to do so, but failed to.

If you want to use "anything," I think might work better in conjunction with "something":

"She could have done something—anything—to help her sister."

In that example I think we again get the meaning pretty clearly—that any bit of help she could manage or think of would've been better than her failure to help out at all.]

Well, that's it! Hopefully my feedback and notes here will prove to be of use for you. Good luck!

Network with this winner: AhsokaJackson

1st runner up:  infinitysbeyond

2nd runner up: mokbook

Final Author's Note: Wow, this spotlight was nerve-wracking, yet amazingly fun! The quality of the reviews I got from each NBR member were great as well. I want to thank not only AhsokaJackson, infinitysbeyond, and @mokbook, who all gave such wonderful feedback, but also TimothyMarsh, linahanson, GirlsCanRockToo, Tegan1312, theemmpress, raphoenix23, HayleyAutumns, zuko_43, , and everyone else who took their time to comment. Each and every one of your comments are going to be such a big help. And thank you to @DawnStarling for giving me this chance as well!

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