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Commenting time frame (CST): Oct 7 - Oct 16

Moderator: swiftiegirl1010

Announcement: Voting for September's prompt challenge has now closed! After many wonderful entries, the winner of this month is... *drum roll* Avaadore22! Congratulations! Her entry will be posted soon in the September prompt chapter.

Also, after hearing some of your feedback, we decided to add an option where you can say whether or not you prefer in-line comments during your spotlight. This is because some of you found it hard to keep track of them in your feed. So from now on, make sure to add in-line comments to only those who prefer it! We want everyone here in NBR to have the best experience possible, especially when it comes to their spotlight.

Reminders: Pay special attention to your tone when commenting.

Comment Topic: Stories contain both situations and complications. Monica Wood explains, "A complication must either illuminate, thwart, or alter what the character wants. A good complication puts emotional pressure on a character..." A complication makes the character's situation much more intense and builds tension and conflict in the story. Comment on where you see complications rising in the chapters this week. (Courtesy of ChayAvalerias)

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Author #1: [Triple Crowner] TheAgminateMan

Book Title: The Black Want

Specified Chapter: Dreams Of Others

Summary Thus Far in Book: Given from how deep into The Black Want story this chapter has been pulled for the NBR spotlight, I expect reviewers to have difficulty connecting with the characters and their situation. The space here is too limited to allow an adequate summary of events up to this point, so I have added a more detailed summary at the chapter head. You don't have to read it, but if you intend to provide the most thorough and helpful review, I'd greatly appreciate you taking an extra couple minutes to do so and get your bearings. A (terribly) minimalist summary is as follows: Hevreol and his brother are commanders of an army marching toward victory in a civil war against a powerful religious order known as the Ardent. At the behest of their dead(?) father, they have abandoned their posts to confront a portal from which evil entities are rumored to be emanating. In the previous chapter, Hevreol may have encountered one such being.

Author's Note: My most humble thanks to everyone who makes NBR possible, moderators and reviewers alike. People like you raise the potential of Wattpad to new heights.

I know it can be challenging to review a chapter taken from the middle of a book. You don't know the characters, where they are, or the stakes they face. Fortunately, this chapter features little character development, backstory, or emotional pull. It is a largely descriptive scene intended to set the scene for the coming climax.

1) I'm fine with my style not being typical Wattpad fare as long as it still appeals to a fairly wide audience. Is my language clear enough to help the chapter progress logically in your mind, and how might it be improved?

2) Ideally, I'd like every chapter to offer rising tension of its own merit. As the characters move through this chapter closer to their goal, do you get the sense of rising tension and where was it most/least effective?

3) A chapter skillfully written and possessing at least a few unique concepts can usually entice me to try reading the book from the beginning. Does this chapter do that for you?

In-line comments: WELCOME

Genre: Dark Fantasy

Rating: PG-13 for frightening fantasy imagery, mildly offensive language (for some, tame for others), and brief sexual references.

Winning Comment: - Ok Sam... Time to shine! I know you can do better than second runner up!

- But I already tore Mike down as much as I could while in-text commenting. And as it's a great chapter, this overall review will end up looking like ass-kissing.

- Come on! I know you're just a bully, I'm sure you'll find something to make the man cry. Furthermore, is he not a friend of yours? Maybe he'll pick your review out of pity.

- Nah... Michael has integrity!

- Pshaw! Integrity... This useless trait is so overrated. Anyway, start by congratulating him for his spotlight. Everybody does that.

- Yes, people are...

- Hypocrites!

- Polite! And here, congrats ARE in order! Mike earned the spotlight by becoming a three crowners!

- And who made that possible?

- Hmm... Him, by giving awesome reviews?

- YOU, sissy! You vote for him, remember? So he'll vote for you!

- I'm not exactly sure that works like that.

- Really? Then tell me how it works, smart ass!

- You have to give pertinent advice and answer the author's questions as thoroughly as possible, giving arguments and...

- You're so screwed!

- ...

- Was it THAT good anyway?

- Well, it was chapter 18 and it took me three separate occasions...

- I told you to let your baby cry. Who cares if he's hungry?

- And I stopped to comment and research strange English words, etc... But I was caught in it anyway! The descriptions are beautiful and vivid, the living dreams are a lesson of imagination, the atmosphere is rightfully creepy and the characters' voices are brilliant—Taygrend's especially.

- You told me you confused Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum!

- Hevreol and Evrand!

- Whatever! What kind of names are those anyway?

-The names are just fine in my opinion, but you're right...

- Ah!

- About me getting confused—their voices are not different enough and, as I told him, some dialogue tags are needed to help readers see who's who. But, once again, we're far into the story and I think that reading the first seventeen chapters might do away with the confusion.

- Brown nose!

- ...

- What about the "emotional pressure on the character"?

- The complication? About that, the fact that it's chapter 18th is a big plus, as I think it's difficult to achieve a good complication in a first chapter. Well, here it's Hevreol's PoV (even if I couldn't help but think about an omniscient narrator reading some lengthy descriptions and the sentence "And they did."). So the major shift in his beliefs is about the madness of his brother, and his feeling toward their father. Obviously, this will lead to something interesting before the end of the story.

- We're talking about the guy frowning at his sword, right? Weeeeiiiiirddooooooo!

- Anyway... Mike's first question is about his style. He's wondering if it's clear enough, as it's not Wattpad typical.

- Translation: he's not butchering English and he wants to know if teenagers can understand refined vocabulary.

- That's one way to put it. But as I also write a story breaking the Wattpad codes...

- Bragging!

- What I mean is that Mike shouldn't care about Wattpad standards. He's writing a story, not a Wattpad story. Furthermore, his style is clear, with a good flow. And when it wasn't the case, I told him.

- You just agreed with others!

- Well, not only! I...

- Lazy!

- Ok, whatever! Mike's chapter progresses logically, indeed. I didn't spot any inconsistencies.

- Maybe someone will. You'll just have to agree, then...

- Next question?

- Was about tension.

- You seem tense!

- And you seem to be a mother fuc...

- Tension?

- Yes, yes, tension! The tension is already high when the chapter begins and it stays that way almost until the end. Even when the troop realizes that the dream can't hurt them, the description of the monstrosity is enough to keep the reader on the edge of their seat.

- Were you not in bed when you read most of the chapter?

- Really?

- Why not? It's not my fault if you don't have any sense of humor. So tension is good throughout the chapter, right?

- Well, not really.

- Ladies and gentleman, Sam-the-ass-kisser will now perform an act of criticism. He's a trained professional. Don't attempt this at home.

- ...

- Go on! Don't be shy! Your public is waiting!

- It's more nitpicking than a critique...

- Booooooo!

- But, at the end, the troop seems very passive towards the flow of God-sent soldiers—and I couldn't quite picture where the human soldiers were, and where the phantoms were going. @Wimbug said that Hevreol seemed more focused on the landscape than the Want, and I tend to agree. Kinda. Luckily, Mike raises the stakes again at the very end of the chapter.

- He screwed up!

- I did not say that!

- Sure you didn't... but kinda...

- ...

- I bet last question was, "will you read further?"

- It was about the overall draw.

- Potayto, potahto...

- Shut up already! I already added his book to my reading list. I think it answers the question pretty efficiently.

- LOL! Yes, I just lolled you! Your reading list? Your "I'll never read your book, but I want to be your friend" list?

- I'm very busy, you know.

- You're typing this awkward review from work!

- ...

- Burned!!!

- I hate you!

- Don't blame me for your schizophrenia! I'm just the voice in YOUR head!

- Can we at least agree on the great time we had reading Mike's chapter?

- Bah... If it makes you stop pouting.

Network with this winner: SamSchloesing

1st runner up: wrightstory

2nd runner up: AhsokaJackson

Final Author's Note:  Where do I begin?! Like I told @swiftiegirl1010 , this experience was overwhelming in the best way. Just absolutely amazing. I can't thank everyone enough for the quality feedback, and the vast amounts of it. My eyes have been opened to more ways to improve this chapter (and all the others) than I ever would have imagined. I'm coming away from this with a much stronger grasp of what readers will look for in my story. That said, so many reviewers are deserving of recognition. I hope my replies to their comments showed them how much I appreciate the time and effort they dedicated to their reviews.

Last but not least, I'd like to thank all the hard-working NBR moderators that keep this beastly machine greased. You've made something phenomenal here. Keep up the great work!

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Author #2:  KillYourDarlings7

Book Title: Black Stars

Specified Chapter: Chapter 1 - Playing with Fire

Summary Thus Far in Book: N/A

Author's Note: Hey guys!

So excited to be in the spotlight again! I would like to say a quick thank you to DawnStarling and the team for making NBR possible, and especially swiftiegirl1010 for introducing me earlier this year! Okay, here are my questions:

1) My first question is about my main character, Leia. It's been quite a balancing act portraying Leia the way I want her to be portrayed in the first few chapters. While her actions paint her as a bit unstable, I wanted to start hinting at the fact that there are reasons she does these things and that she's not necessarily a bad person. Was I successful? It would be great to know what you think of her as a character.

2) Grammar and sentence structure: How did I do? It's always really helpful to get comments on this so feel free to rip the chapter apart haha.

3) Does this chapter keep you engaged? While the prologue is intended to draw readers in, this chapter is the first time the readers are introduced to the world that the main bulk of the story takes place in, so engagement is quite important.

In-line comments: NOT PREFERRED

Genre: Sci-Fi

Rating: PG-13

Winning Comment: Congratulation for this second spotlight! I think that the previous one was one of my first with NBR. I remember the prologue and must admit I wasn't expecting such a chapter. The tone is very different and even the universe seems different. The prologue had a dark fantasy touch, when this chapter feels very real and contemporary. It's also better written, I think.

Beside the action (thrilling by the way), your chapter is interesting because it follows Leia's thoughts and progression during this short event. I have a hard time relating to the rebellious teenage girl, but you did good with her character and with the first hints of backstory. For now I can't say she has excuses nor reason to burn her school, but it's obvious that she's not "bad".

On that regard, I noted some parts where you went out of her PoV. It's nothing too serious, but I think your text would be improved without any telling or omniscient narrator's intervention. Especially when these sentences are at the very beginning of the chapter:

- "Silence sank down onto the Earth as sixteen year old Leia Azemar hurried through Narra."

The age and last name could (should?) be taken out as, like that, the sentence feels very distant from Leia. The age could be deducted by the context, and her last name is used later in dialogue.

- "Narra High School rose just beyond the tree line and she crossed the road quietly, pushing her dark hair back and pulling up the hood."

As it's Leia's PoV, she has no reason to evoke the color of her own hair.

To finish on Leia, let's answer the comment topic. For me, the real complication is how Leia's feelings evolve toward Arelie, going from not-really-friend to partner in crime to betrayer. It's nicely done and structure the chapter efficiently. It also set the tone for their relationship in the rest of the story. Well done here!

I'll now answer to your last question before taking some time on grammar. I'll make it short: yes, I do think it's an engaging chapter! Even more than the cryptic prologue. This chapter opens a lot of doors about the characters and the plot and the end is creepy and mysterious. Definitely a page turner!

Now... As you didn't want in text comments, I'll try do to my best to summarize what I noted while reading (so, note that it's not exhaustive). I hope you'll excuse the list form. It's maybe a bit blunt but faster for me and, hopefully, clearer for you:

- Missing commas: a lot are.

First, you forgot the comma before almost every "but".

You also forgot to use a comma after your sentences introduction (I must admit I don't know the name of that).

Examples: "Pushing away the thought, Leia slipped into the trees [...]" or "Last week Leia and Arelie had been caught" or "If she was ever caught with that look in her eyes, Brenton would probably kick her to the curb".

I know there are exceptions and that the comma question is open to debate, but basically, the rule is to identify the part of the sentence that could work on it's own (subject + verb + direct complement) and to put everything else before or after a comma.

- Some commas should be periods or exclamation points: "Petrol! It'll help you get the fire going." or "Don't go soft on me Azemar! you remember what Williams said."

- I'll let you search and highlight them, but you are overusing "as" and "and" thorough your whole chapter. Try to rephrase some "as" sentences to vary (you can use "when" in some cases), and try to cut your sentences as soon as you're using more than one "and".

- Some sentences are very passive and would gain strength if turned active.

The fact that she found the phone "yesterday" is too convenient, too « deus ex machina ». She needed a disposable phone and just like that, she found one? I think it would be more relatable if you say how she bought it.

o I'm not an explosion expert, but it seems that petrol couldn't cause explosions powerful enough to blow people away.

To conclude on something more positive than this cold list, here are the sentences that I find really nice:

- "The clouds were the colour of gunmetal, rolling on top of each other like waves. Storms were always bad near the coast but there were worse things than being caught in one, things like disappointing Arelie."

- "moving with a silence that took years of sneaking out to master"

- "She raised the hand that held the rock and a shadowy figure in the window followed her lead. The figure's green eyes were determined, black hair melding into the night – and then the rock went through, shattering her into a million pieces"

Keep on the good work!

Cheers,

Sam

Network With This Winner: SamSchloesing

First Runner-up: GirlsCanRockToo

Second Runner-up: AhsokaJackson

Final Author's Note:  Firstly, I would like to thank everybody who took the time to read and comment this round. Every review I received was thoughtful and helpful. I really appriciate the effort everyone went to. Collectively, you have helped me identify many strengths and weaknesses in the chapter that I can work on. So thank you!

SamSchloesing 's review did stand out on account of it's depth and ability to be both constructive and positive. I particularly found his list of inconsistencies and his list of grammar corrections very helpful.

The runners up (alongside many others, sorry I can't mention you all) also wrote extremely thoughtful reviews.

Once again, thanks to everybody who was involved this round! It was a busy week but a great one! I'm looking forward to reading all of your stories :)

- Skylar

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Author #3: BaconJargogler

Book Title: Gladiolus

Specified Chapter: Chapter 1

Summary Thus Far in Book: N/A

Author's Note: Hi! I'm so excited to be spotlighted. I want to thank the entire NBR team for all the hard work they put into this contest. I hope you enjoy my chapter.

1. Do you find Antiope, as a protagonist, interesting and active enough to drive the plot forward?

2. Is this "all women city" conveyed clearly and intriguingly enough to make you want to read on?

3. Is there any way that I can improve the mechanics of my writing? (i.e. dialogue, pace, description)

In-line comments: WELCOME

Genre: Historical Fiction

Rating: PG-13 (Subtle nudity and violence; contains some LGBT themes)

Winning Comment: Hey Sarah,

Congratulation for being spotlighted! I hope you won't be overwhelmed by the flood of comments and that you'll find some use in all the contradictory opinions on your work.

I'm glad if my in text comment could help you improve your text. I saw that others had made some pertinent remarks too TheAgminateMan and Wimbug are people you can basically trust).

It's now time to make an overall comment and answer some questions!

All in all, I liked your first chapter. The amazon theme and all the problematics and possibilities behind it are very interesting. I hope you'll be able to use some of it without getting lost. For now, despite some things that could be improved, you're off to a good start story-wise.

Your style is quite good and your pace is never boring nor too fast, despite some repetition and some heavy telling (but I'll come back on with question 3). You have some great description too.

I think that a first chapter is not the perfect place for complication and that the comment topic of this week will be hard to answer without reading the full stories. But you already hinted yours (or so I think) when Ann is wondering about the vast "outside" and when she encounter the injured man. However, please be careful with how you'll deal with the changes in Ann's opinion and views. Whatever the changes you intend for the rest of your story, if they happen too fast, it won't be realistic.

About Antiope, I can feel that she's a complex character (Queen's sister, lover, warrior, leader, etc...), fitting the hero profile, but for now she's a bit cold. I think you could let your readers more into her mind. Once again, I'll come back to that later.

A women only city is intriguing all right. Reading your chapter, I didn't understand that there were no men at all in town (just that men were considered as inferior). However, no men means no reproduction. I know a bit about amazon so I can imagine some answers about that, but there are many questions you'll have to answer your own way in your story. As a writer it's something I find very exciting. I hope you took some time to build a solid backbone to your universe.

Is there any way that you can improve the mechanics of my writing? Yes there is. For me, the biggest "flaw" in your writing is the heavy telling you're using to set up your scenery and establish back stories. I intended to use in text comment to talk about that, but I finally thought it would be more pertinent to do that here.

So here are all the parts in your chapter where I felt like you were telling instead of showing. All these excerpts have in common that they feel more like a narrator/author's comment than Ann's own reflection. The point I tried to show you below is that you can express the same facts through Ann's thoughts/feelings/memories instead of just dumping cold, academic, distant information. I really think it will help with the flow and add on character's building.

"The woman's name was Toxaris. She had been Ann's closest friend as far back as she could remember."

I think it could be easily corrected replacing "the naked woman" by "Toxaris" and then moving on with one sentence expressing how Ann finds her best friend's naked body beautiful, or how she's a bit jealous of it or whatever you'll decide.

"It was customary for archers like Tox to have their right breast seared

off as it enabled them to fire a bow without any obstacles."

I think it would turn it to showing and add depth with a comment from Ann. Something like: "she knew that it was customary [...], but it was pity. Tox had the most beautiful breasts." Once again, this is just an example to show you what I mean.

Aella had forged almost every sword, shield and horseshoe in

Amastris. The symbol of her trade and the emblem of their race hung high

over her workshop, a golden gladiolus, the sword flower.

If you don't connect the facts you want your readers to know to Ann's feelings or thoughts, sentences like that may feel like info dumping. Here, it's not out of context but, has Ann any motives to "talk" about that? If yes, share them with your readers. If not, then it's a narrator/author comment that could kick readers out of Ann's PoV. 

"Each of the women in the city were placed in groups and given hunt and

parade shifts to ensure everyone carried their load. For Ann, Tox and

Aella, morning parades were due on the second and third day of the week,

in which they scouted the borders and the area around their city for

trespassers and wanderers."

This whole paragraph is telling. Once again, I think that adding Ann's view on this regular assignment could correct that. Is she bored? Willing to do the right thing anyway? Maybe she doesn't mind because she likes wandering in the forest, etc...

"Its ashen coat had earned him the name Ember."

One way to correct the "telling" here would be to replace "her horse" by "Ember" in the previous sentence and give a more personal opinion from Ann in this sentence, like "The huge/beautiful/impressive (or any other qualifying Ann could use for the horse) stallion had earned his name because of its coat, but Ann could swear that she saw its eyes glow red when mad" (this is just an example to make my point here, I didn't really thought that through).   

"The stable girl Neri was a petite woman, with platinum hair and the temper of a hurricane."

Ann know the girl, and her temper, already. So when you use this sentence, you tell readers about how she look and how she behave, instead of showing it through Ann's eyes, feeling, memories, thoughts, etc...

Ann had named him Shadow when he was gifted to her by her mother. The women of Amastris only kept stallions. They felt that the breaking of wild

stallions showed that they had conquered men and could use them however

and whenever they pleased."

Here again, you give information to your readers as the author instead of expressing them through your character. You could say almost the same thing through Ann's memory of her breaking the Stallion (how hard it was, how scared she was, how proud her mother looked, what Ann feels about the comparison between men and stallions, etc...) This way, you turn cold, academic information in something that draws your reader closer to your MC.

"In the North of Hardenia was a spring that many unwary travellers stopped at, not knowing they had entered Amastrian territory. It was mandatory that the spring be scouted above all other areas. Ann moved under the

dense forest canopy with ease. Morning parades were never very eventful.

Most raids and trespassers entered Hardenia under the cover of night.

The last raid had happened fifteen years ago, when Ann was just five and

her mother, Penthesilea, was Queen."

Give us Ann's feelings or opinion about the task she have to do, make her sigh or show your readers her resolve. Make remember when she was five and how her mother reacted when the last raid occurred. I really think it would improve your story, bringing more life to it.

There, I'm done. I hope you saw what I meant.

Enjoy the rest of your week and, whatever happen, keep on writing!

Cheers,

Sam

Network with this winner: SamSchloesing

1st runner up: Hayleyautumns

2nd runner up: TimothyMarsh

Final Author's Note: Hi!

I'm so sorry this is so late. It's been a very hectic week at University. I would like to thank every one of you for the effort and time taken to read and comment on my story. The feedback I received was incredible and extremely helpful. I would also like to thank NBR and for giving my story an opportunity to shine and for me to improve my writing.

Sarah

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- (Do not Comment on here. Only comment on this page if you have questions or comments pertaining to the directions)

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Remember: DIPLOMACY is defined as: the art of dealing with people in a sensitive and effective way

Remember: Never judge a book by its cover.

Remember: #NBR then write the comment.

Remember: Do not give up on the chapter. The Author chose it for a reason.