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Commenting time frame (CST): Sept 16 to Sept 25

Moderator: swiftiegirl1010

Reminder: There's a little under a week left to write and post your September Prompt Challenge Stories! Remember the winner gets to jump the queue and spotlight early! So get you submissions in before it's too late!

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Comment Topic: Picturing an entire scenery through a few sentences, isn't it amazing? Comment on the author's use of imagery to paint the picture in our heads. 

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Author #1:Claudia_Witter [A Wattpad Featured Author]

Book Title: The All Mads

Specified Chapter: Chapter: Opening Scene

Summary Thus Far in Book: N/A

Author's Note: Hello, people of earth. I'm excited to be spotlighted, and eager for you all to begin reviewing TAM—which you can do as bluntly as you wish, as that sort of honest feedback is what helps me improve the most. Feel free to point out anything and everything you can think of that needs improvement. Also, thank you to the organizers of NBR for making this possible!

Question 1) The main character introduced in this chapter is a murderer. Does this make you feel like you wouldn't read on for lack of being able to connect with him?

Question 2) Do you have any suggestions on how to display Victor's madness and multiple personality disorder better? Note that in this chapter his disorder is not meant to be mentioned, just hinted at.

Question 3) This question is for anyone that decides to read past the cutoff point. Does Mia's description of the paranormal world/rumor detectives and Victor's reaction to it seem believable?

Genre: Paranormal

Rating: M (mature). There is violence in this chapter, and some suggestive language. Please note that the rest of the story is rated Mature if you decide to continue reading.

Winning Comment: "PG-13. There is violence in this chapter" I believe the violence and vivid descriptions of gore push this story way beyond PG-13. You do a great job of describing the carnage in close-up detail. So I'm surprised that the NBR team didn't adjust the rating. Maybe I'm out of touch, but I would never allow my thirteen year old girls to read this.

You've written a great starting chapter that jumps right in there. I'm also guessing it will work well for the genre's audience. Even so, it might be worth while to step back and look at the mechanics of it. There are really four parts to this chapter. 1)Introduce the reader to the family, the house, the situation and relationships. 2) Tell the backstory incident of abuse. 3) Have dinner and the murder incident. 4) Introduce Mia into the situation. (Then what ever happened after the cut off)

I know you want to hook the Wattpad audience by jumping straight into an action scene, but a good action scene needs somewhere to happen. Getting all the details in place before the action starts means that you can keep up the pace and intensity during the scene. I would like to have had some sort of idea how the kitchen was laid out. Not where the stove and the fridge were etc, because that doesn't impact the action scene. But where the door to the living room was compared to where people were sitting. What other exits there were and if they were open or closed.

Also, if you'd delivered the backstory scene before bringing me into the kitchen, I would have been able to keep the two story lines separate more easily.

Comment Topic: Picturing an entire scenery through a few sentences, isn't it amazing? Comment on the author's use of imagery to paint the picture in our heads.

You do this very well and it is a skill that pleases me. You picked out a few items, described them well and let everything else be implied. Unfortunately what was implied became inconsistent at times. Who owns a "sleek red Ferrari" then lets their "rusted gutters" spill a curtain of rain over their doorstep?

Question 1) The main character introduced in this chapter is a murderer. Does this make you feel like you wouldn't read on for lack of being able to connect with him?

For me, yes. I write horror, but don't read it because I don't like the genre. I also need to care about the central character to enjoy a story. So while I know he thinks he was abused, I'm not sure that he was and if so I'm not sure if it was anything like as severe or unjust as he perceives it. He made up lies about his teacher wanting to fellate him and copped a single blow to the cheek before being locked away. How bad did he have to behave to get more seriously beaten?

Question 2) Do you have any suggestions on how to display Victor's madness and multiple personality disorder better? Note that in this chapter his disorder is not meant to be mentioned, just hinted at.

"twelve years old, mad as a hatter" I saw no hint of madness until I was told about it directly by the narrator. This didn't work for me. Looking back, I agree that some of his decisions may not have been well thought out. But he is a twelve year old boy. That seemed in character and I had liked it.

After he kills his parents, you do a great job of showing how insane he is, his complete disconnection is obvious. Well done. In fact, you do such a great job of it, that you don't need to give anything away earlier.

"(Despite his rather cutesy appearance, he was stronger than your average deranged boy)" The next indication of madness was again explicitly stated. I didn't understand the use of the brackets because the narrator's voice is already strong.

As for multiple personalities, I didn't detect that, nor did I need to. That sort of thing can be revealed over a much longer time. Only once the reader has developed a clear picture of one personality, can you then reveal a second one in a believable, non telling, manner.

Question 3) This question is for anyone that decides to read past the cutoff point.

I stopped reading at the cutoff point.

Inconsistencies:

"lavish china plates and illustrious silverware. Even the expensive mahogany table ... sumptuously styled kitchen." I'm having trouble picturing this because it seems odd to have so much luxury, but no dining room. Maybe this would have made more sense if I'd already known we were in Prague.

If Victor is holding the axe handle with both hands, in what manner is it dragging along the floor? Is he bending over hard sideways to keep it beside his feet? If so, why not let go with one hand and drag it normally? Is he walking backwards and bending over like it's a heavy burden? This was hard to picture.

"Light was bright all throughout the kitchen" Then "He stood in the arch of the kitchen doorway" So why is "His face, though, was hidden in shadow"? This is more confusing when the bright light from the kitchen doesn't out-shine the light from the television that was not even bright enough to brighten "the darkened living room" behind him when it "lit his salt-colored hair so that it shone like a halo of white gold."

Victor must have swung the axe at Elise from across the table. He would have been right up against the table, so who saw the bunny slipper wearing feet leave the floor? Then why did she slump forward instead of sideways with the blow?

"straight to the bone" The rest of the descriptions make me feel like you meant "straight through the bone".

"sheared messily through his throat." Cutting a throat does not severe a head. Maybe you meant 'neck'?

Grammar:

kitchen *were* cacophonous

"on the opposite side that his parents sat on," 'Opposite from his parents' would suffice.

"illustrious" is an adjective normally applied to people, not cutlery.

"applied" Didn't work for me when describing someone sitting in a chair.

Your use of Perfect Past tense to convey that the scene of backstory abuse had happened previously was great. Even so, I was thrown with the beginning sentence using 'would say' making it seem like a collection of events, not a specific event. Then to start the following paragraph that is now in Simple Past tense, you use the word 'had' which is the indicator for the recently escaped Perfect Past. This also caused me a little confusion.

"scary calm." I would have preferred no inverted commas. Maybe scary-calm. To follow it with "a bit frightening" was redundant and diminished the effect. In fact, the following sentence feels like a let down. Just because a facial expression is not typical of someone who feels good-intended emotions, does not make it scary.

"like *spilt* tea" Maybe choose a red liquid?

Comments:

It was a brave and curious thing to start off your story by introducing the narrator first. Not sure if it worked for me or not. But it was interesting.

I don't feel that referring to his parents by their full names works for me, even if he is remote and detached. Then "wedded Bennett's" really threw me and took a moment to accept that you meant his parents again.

Was I meant to not believe the abuse as claimed by the narrator? If it is a ploy to make us feel like Victor was making up the situation for justification, it works. But if it really happened, I'd much prefer to just see the action take place then jump forward to Wednesday. When you then go on to drop us into the backstory, I wondered why you had told us about it earlier instead of leaving it until your excellent reveal.

When I'm told about a 'mute' character after I've already heard them speak, I know it is being used as a simily, Abut when I'm still being introduced to the character, I thought he was genuinely mute. Especially because that might explain his abuse.

"propping up a wall by lazily leaning against it." There are a lot of unusual terms and phrases used in this piece. When they don't evoke a clear picture for me, they don't work. Often I feel thrown out of the story instead, while I spend time figuring out why that form of description was used. I know hard-boiled crime fiction extracts humour by propping walls up with people, but I didn't think that was the tone you were going for.

"clutched almost possessively" You can increase the effect by removing 'almost' if you like.

"stumbled *backwards* toward the door at the back of the kitchen." By adding backwards, the following scene would make more sense. I'd initially pictured him heading forwards towards the door with a good chance of escaping.

[End of critique. Happy to clarify.]

Network with this winner: TimothyMarsh

1st runner up: Tegan1311

2nd runner up: zuko_42

Final Author's Note: Thank you everyone for providing such helpful feedback. You all gave me great ideas on how to make this chapter better, and I'll (hopefully) put everything to good use by making a better, rewritten version of this chapter.

I chose TimothyMarsh because, not only did he give me better ideas for the structure of the chapter, he also gave me the idea to change the location to a more fitting one, and was not afraid to point out this chapter's flaws. He also gave me insight onto how my character was perceived, and made me realize that he did not come off quite the way I wanted him to.

Tegan1311 pointed out various awkward sentences and inconstancies, and was not afraid to tell me that something didn't seem to work.

zuko_42 offered me some helpful advice for portraying the main character's mental illness, and also another characters reaction to a murder.

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Author #2: The3dreamers [August Prompt Challenge Winner, NBR Talent Scout and Wattpad Ambassador]

Book Title: The Dream Traveler

Specified Chapter: Chapter 1

Summary Thus Far in Book: The Dream Traveler is book two in The Dream Weaver series. At this point in the story, Wren has arrived back on Acklemarian soil. Missing for the past three years, she is now being pursued by the different talent guilds and the Fire Circle throne.

Part of the magical world she lives in includes people having tattoo-like markings on them. These inky marks, when given to another person can mean a pledge of some sort to them (a Flourish), or a promise to marry them (a Ring).

If you're looking for a further summary, please watch the book trailer video! (Yeah, I know, I'm crazy. Have fun watching it.)

Author's Note: Woo! So excited to be back in the spotlight. And here by a prompt win? Even sweeter, thanks for your votes everyone. Glad you liked the story.

Huge thank-you to all the NBR board members that make this contest happen every week: mokbook wordsinsilk shespokewithmagic euphoriaseeker leah_tee writervid AmeVicky02 swiftiegirl1010 and of course @dawnstarling too!

Special thanks to:  ChayAvalerias for his insights and editing suggestions for this chapter.

Question one) Josie and Astra are both new characters in the story. What are your thoughts on them and do they work for the opening scene?

Question two) While I don't want rehash the entire first book in this chapter, I do want to ensure the sequel has few reminders of Wren's world and the situation she's in. I was wondering how this chapter read for new readers to the series, was it confusing or were you able to follow along?

Question three) What other suggestions (on grammar, pacing, setting, tension, dialogue, etc.) do you have to make this chapter better?

Genre: Fantasy

Rating: PG

Winning Comment: #NBR Hi Amber!

Love you book cover and book trailer!!

It's been a while since I've critiqued so forgive me if I get to nit-picky. I will comment as I read, pointing out things I like and flagging things that I feel might be improved. Warning! I can be fairly blunt so please remember that these are only my opinions and that I am a NEW reader to this series so be sure to take all my feedback with a large pinch of salt, and of course feel free to completely disregard them ;-)

Lets start:

I really enjoyed your first sentence, it drew me in straight away and has a lovely fantasy flare. However, the next two sentences jerked me straight out of the flow you created with the gorgeous opening sentence.

Let me explain:

"If I had blinked" <- the flow is a little jerky, might be better the other way around? e.g. start with "I would've missed it if I.... " Flows better for me, but your choice :)

The next one "But a surge that lit my core?" This one doesn't work for me. I find it confusing... Why are you starting with a 'But'? And why is it a question...? Maybe this is something that I needed to read the last book to understand, but if a surge lit her core wouldn't she be certain? Maybe expand on it? Add the feeling of it, the reason why she is questioning the surge.

And if you want to keep the "But a surge" <- I think it would read better using "But the surge" since you are talking about a specific one that I am assuming came from her necklace.

I used to do this a lot, and I know some writer still use it. Unfortunately after I read a few articles about it I smile every time I see independently moving body parts or IMBP =D

E.g. "My eyes darted toward the door." <- if you read this literally her eyeballs jump out of her head and run to the door... of course I know you mean gaze ;-)

Though it's up to you to choose which style you feel comfortable with but I just wanted to point it out incase you hadn't heard of it, sometimes its just easier to use IMBP. If this is new to you and are interested in finding out more here's a couple of articles: https://kjcharleswriter.wordpress.com/2014/07/21/body-parts-all-over-the-floor-2/ & http://www.indiesunlimited.com/2014/07/20/when-body-parts-go-travelling/

Watch out for passive sentences, try to use active wherever possible. E.g. "Her hands were shaking" could be changed to -> Her hands shook. Overall you're pretty good with using active but I did spot a few more passives in the chapter, if you want I don't mind going through and pointing them out. Let me know.

"I—I've never seen anything..." My question here is the surge that hit Josie's core is actually visible? Is that what Astra is referring to?

"I need all the details you can..." Feels like this sentence lacks the urgency of the situation... Maybe make the dialogue more demanding, like 'Give me" or something like that.

"Fire throne..." oooo =D very interesting, nice hook. Very high Fantasy!

"She looked hurt..." So Josie actually saw Wren...? I'm confused here... sorry :( I feel like we could use a little more info to follow this section, everything feels a little rushed especially for a new reader. Where did she see Wren, how come she is only mentioning it now?

"That's not possible..." <- I'm assuming we would know why it's not possible if we read the first book, because otherwise this is a strange statement to me.

The flashback or reminisce next feels a little out of place here. Up until now the pacing has been quite fast, a little frantic and the girls are worried about Wren, but then they stop to remember a funny incident... maybe they are not so worried after all? If you were intending to hit the breaks on the pace then leave it, if you were not you might reconsider this section. I suppose it might be construed as Josie having a short attention span, especially after I read the "Ack-hem" in the next paragraph, but I just wanted to point out the pacing change here.

The Varian Cliffs para. This is a nice intro to the upcoming adventure, and lure to keep the readers turning the page. I feel like we are getting into the story here and I really like the name 'Varian' cool :)

I'd love to see more description in this chapter. E.g. more on Josie's appearance or "the basin's water sparkled in the morning light..." Where is the morning light coming from? What's the room in general look like, maybe add some other senses smell and touch.

This chapter is quite dialogue heavy, and becomes a little difficult to follow at places, especially when they are bantering/ talking about characters the readers haven't been introduced to. My suggestion would be to cut some the filler/ unessential dialogue and focus more on the main plot. I'll touch a bit more on this later on.

Okay now we are switching to Wren's POV I guess. Start a new chapter? Maybe you combined it for NBR, not sure?

I don't know if Astra'a POV will make a reappearance later in the book, but switching POVs here makes Astra's section feel like a prologue. Just wondering, sorry for asking a hard, possibly crass question but... Was there really any info in Astra's section that couldn't be covered later? In Wren's POV?

"I pulled a bag of Sage's stuff..." <- wouldn't be easier to just say Sage's bag? Seems a little weird way to describe it, and I'm wondering what does the bag look like...?

There's a little repetition towards the end... "Shirt" and "T-shirt" are used quite a bit and I wonder do we as the reader really need that much focus on a Shirt? Is it really necessary to detail them changing or can you skip over it a bit and move the plot a long a bit?

"Your eyes—they're blue" <- okay assuming they've changed color? Maybe add a line about his original color?

Hope you found something useful out of the narratives that were going through my head as I read. Next on to the questions:

Q1) Josie and Astra... I started to address this above, but let me expand a little more.

The blurb introduces Wren as the main character so I originally assumed that we were in Wren's POV until Josie called her Astra, and I was like okay who is Astra.... ? Why are we in Astra's head? Throughout Astra's POV I couldn't really get a sense of who she was, what her importance to story, in a way I felt like the two girls (or women don't know how old they are) were just used to let the readers know that Wren has returned.

My suggestion would be: if you would like to keep Astra's POV as the opening then we need more introduction/ more focus on Astra (not Wren). Ease us into Astra's character; explain  who she is, a mage? what's her occupation? where is she? her surroundings, What is her connection to Wren etc. You don't have to cover all of this questions (don't want to give too much away) but fill in a few blanks to give a sense of why you've used Astra to open the story and not Wren. Also I would suggest having the whole first chapter dedicated to Astra, then bring Wren in, in the 2nd chap.

Q2) I think you could with more rehash of the first book honestly.... Usually author's do so that a reader can pick up a book in the middle of a series and mostly follow it through. As it stands now it is very difficult to follow the story unless you've read the first book.

E.g. The amount of new character in the first chapter alone is a little mind boggling/ difficult (for me anyway) to keep track of.

This is the first time a new reader is meeting: Astra, Josie, Wren, Vega, Rygar, Terran, Nebula. Kellan. Dystan. Jaxon. Robin & Sage...

12 characters in one chapter... you are pushing the limits of how many new characters some readers can keep track of... As a general rule Author's shouldn't go over introducing 3 or 4 new characters in one chapter, especially since the introduction to some of them was so brief.

My hard question here is: Do they really need to be brought up so early? E.g. The discussion about Kellan... can he be added later? Is this essential to the plot right now?

Please don't hate me for this but this answer explains addresses introducing too many characters and could be applied to your first chap http://deareditor.com/2010/07/re-how-many-characters-are-too-many-in-chapter-1/

As I said earlier, I think splitting the chapter into two would help this issue too. I would really like to see more descriptions about the characters (which I know you most likely covered in the previous book) and some info on where Wren has just come from etc.

But that's just me.

Q3) A lot of this has been addressed in my comments I made as I read, but to recap a little and add on:

Overall I like your writing style. Your dialogue flows nicely, although I feel you could use a little balance, add some more description in between. E.g. When you mention their eyes, what colour are they? "What kind of skirt is Josie smoothing out "She looked down and smoother out her skirt" -< is it short, long, black grey... etc etc.

The first chapter does feel somewhat rushed, like you are trying to fit too much into it. Settle on one POV and expand out the section. Really get new readers invested in your characters.  As it is now (sorry)... I'm not really getting a real sense of the main plot line from the first chap. Thinking back it might've been the Fire Throne thing? But then I got so buried under trying to remember all the new characters (whom I only had a name to really distinguish between them, no physical traits) that the Fire Throne thing faded into the background. It wasn't until I read over my comments again that I remembered it.

For a movie opening I think they can get away with introducing so many character in such a short period of time because we could actually physically see the characters, but as you know with books we need to spend time, introducing a character. Sorry I'm repeating myself, I'll move along ;-)

One last thing though... I know you probably did a lot of world building in the last book, but I think you can add more in this chapter.

To sum up: Hope I didn't overstep in some of my feedback. There really is a lot of potential in this chapter and it was a pleasure to read. I think you're writing style is fantastic, I just feel it would shine more if you took your time with the introductions and split the chap into two. Re-focus a bit more on the hook and main plot and cut down some of the filler dialogue. But that is entirely my opinion, feel free to completely ignore me.

Enjoy the rest of your spotlight :-)

Network with this winner: mokbook

1st runner up: GirlsCanRockToo

2nd runner up: AhsokaJackson

Final Author's Note: Thanks everyone for your feedback on my chapter! I especially appreciated those commenters that went the extra mile to phrase their suggestions in a kind way. Honorable mentions to: Tegan1311, cleverwren swiftiegirl1010, consciousdreamer1 and TheAgminateMan.

Special thanks again to: ChayAvalerais for not only helping with the original work on the chapter but also keeping me sane this past week. Much appreciated!

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Author #3: Wimbug [A Wattpad Featured Author]

Book Title: Too Young

Specified Chapter: Chapter: 14.1

Summary Thus Far in Book: Sam Grant and his brothers, Jerry and Kyle, have been selected to go on a study camp meant to bring archeology back into the spotlight. Once they get to Mexico, they discover that their recruiter is actually a secret agent who wants them to work for him. They also find that their main goal is to recover an ancient ruby from an unexplored Mayan temple, and that the ruby is also hunted by their father's enemy, Snitch Gravel.

Sam and the group soon find the ruby, but just as they leave for home, Snitch Gravel captures them, takes the ruby, kills their guide, and then almost kills the entire team. He also reveals that Tom and Jimmy, backup and Sam and Jerry's doppelgangers, are actually their twin brothers.

Lost in the jungle and without the ruby, Sam takes advantage of the appearance of a potential traitor to set a trap for Snitch Gravel and take the stone back.

The chapter starts the morning after the trap has been set.

Author's Note: Yay, I'm in the spotlight. *waves at everybody* Please don't hate me for throwing you in the pit of convoluted plot and tons of characters. Just ignore them and focus on the questions :)

1.    After being captured, Sam has been torn between the desire to get out while they still could or finish their mission. In this chapter, he makes up his mind. Question: Does his thought process and determination give you a clear image of his personality?

2.    Was the action scene confusing? There are a lot of characters moving, so I want to know if you could tell what happened and to whom, especially because everything is seen from Sam's perspective, and his perception gets screwy.

3.    How did you find the writing style? Am I too wordy or should I focus on more description? Any general advice at all.

Thanks so much and I hope you all have fun.

Genre: Adventure

Rating: PG-13 for some language and violence

Winning Comment: Regarding Author's Note

Sam: It was very clear, through his thoughts and actions, that Sam has a strong personality.  For me, you certainly succeeded here.

Clarity of Action: As a reader being thrown into the middle of the story, entirely unfamiliar with all the players, I expected to be much more confused than I was.  I made mention in line comments of a couple places that were unclear.  It wouldn't take much to sort them out. And especially considering how many characters were involved, and all the different directions in which they were moving, I think my understanding of the events as they unfolded remained pretty clear.  This means you must have done a pretty darn good job of keeping it all straight in spite of the chaos. That's a notable accomplishment.  Normally, I'd say you relied on the use of names overmuch to show who was acting, and suggest you use other indicators. But given the sheer number of characters and the growing pace throughout the scene, I'm not sure it could have been done any other way.

Style and Description: Your style came through strong during the slower portions of the chapter when you were allowed to slow down and provide more description.  I enjoyed your style thoroughly.  As it should be, you dropped the more detailed descriptors as the action rose.  You were never too wordy.  I'd prefer a bit more description, BUT there's a good chance that those things I'm missing in this chapter have been thoroughly described in previous chapters.  Again, given the action in this scene, too much description would have slowed it all down.  I think the balance is probably just right.

Comment Topic – Imagery

There was some telling go on here and there.  I mentioned the places I saw in line comments along with suggestions on how you might improve them.  Keep in mind that, outside of your POV character's own head, you should describe what a movie camera could see.  The emotions of other people are only discernable by their expressions, words, and action.  Otherwise, we can't know what they might be thinking or feeling.

Network with this winner: TheAgminateMan

1st runner up: GirlsCanRockToo

2nd runner up: infinitysbeyond

Final Author's Note: First of all, thanks to everyone who has commented. I greatly appreciate every scrap of advice I could get. Your combined comments helped me spot some problems and now I can fix most of my writing, not just this chapter.

A very special thank you to all my winners. It was very hard for me to choose between you because all of you had awesome comments.

A shoutout also goes to ChayAvalerias, Claudia_Witter, Theemmpress, swiftiegirl1010and Tegan1311 who gave such great, in depth comments. I know there are much more of you and I wish I could personally thank you all!

Congratulations at surviving a huge mess of a chapter!

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