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Moderator: DawnStarling

NBR World News:  

1) Fellow NBR members, given that summer is coming to a swift end, and many of you are heading back to school, we'd like to be more accommodating of your schedules by formally extending the commenting timeline for everyone. Stay tuned for more information regarding this extension. 

2) NBR is only as great as the team operating behind it. Many of you may not know, but so many hours go into running this contest. It takes all of us, including you, to make NBR successful. We all do our part, we try to pull the same weight with the hope that the burden and rewards of the spotlight will be equally shared. That's what makes the NBR experience unique and special. Thank you again, for all your efforts and dedication to ensuring that no great author gets left behind. After round 50, I will be on maternity leave for approximately two months---hopefully not more. mokbook (Maya) and swiftiegirl1010 (Grace) whom you've all had a chance to meet in previous rounds will be here in my stead. They are both Founders of NBR and two wonderful, fantastic moderators (wonderful people in general). They have been here from the inception of NBR and they will do a terrific job answering all your questions and concerns. 

Prompt Challenge Winner:

We needed a tie-breaker for our Prompt challenge #3! After reviewing both entries from Avaadore22 and TheRecklessRebel, the board has determined the winner for our 3rd prompt challenge! 

(Drumroll) Congratulations Avaadore22!

Her entry for the Prompt: 

Your character is a writer. But his/her new neighbors are so noisy that s/he can neither work nor sleep. S/He decides to take action. 

was laugh out loud hilarious. The story will be posted live on the Prompt Challenge #3 chapter and may even be featured in the next issue of the official WattmagUSA online news source. Please join the prompt challenges, you'll find yourself pleasantly surprised as you compete against your incredibly talented NBR members for a chance at the spotlight. Great job to everyone who participated!

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Comment Topic: None - Champion Reviewer: torissanikole

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Author #1: TorissaNikole

Book Title: The Seventh Chance (Crystalline Melodies )

Specified Chapter: CHAPTER 1

Summary Thus Far in Book: n/a

Author's Note: Hey guys! I'm so excited to be here, and have really enjoyed my time in the club so far. I'll admit that I'm a little nervous about all the critique (I've been working on my story for two years now, it's my baby), but I know I can take it, so please, give me anything and everything you've got (I'm a friendly conversationalist, so feel free to be the same)!

1) Descriptions: I felt like the descriptions were a bit forced in the first chapter, especially the parts about the colors. Do you agree or disagree, and do you have any tips for improving them?

2) Magic: A few people have seemed confused about the whole "nahir magic" concept. I did have it intentionally vague, at least for now, but I don't know if it is so much that it ruins the chapter; how can I improve the understanding of the nahir concepts without blatant exposition?

3) As a first chapter: Basically, does it function as a first chapter should (AKA, did you enjoy it, would you continue reading [hypothetically, outside of the club], and what was your general opinion of the characters and world elements)?

Genre: (Science) Fantasy

Rating:  PG-13 for violence.

Winning Comment: Hi! We are so excited to be suggesting and helping you with your story this week, and congratulations on the spotlight! That's awesome! :D We wish you an amazing week, and we're so excited to get started. 

You had Stephanie over here crying because of what happened to that girl and her mom. (You could say that when it comes to reading, she's the most emotional one out of the four of us.)

The four of us all agreed that this was emotional and that our hearts were racing from the very beginning and we're so glad we get to read more this week because you left us at a very edgy cliff-hanger (and yes, we did read past the NBR cut-off point). We love your tension building tactics and all the like, and now...onto your questions! :)

Descriptions: (Are the descriptions forced, and do we have any tips for improving them?)
Well, heh, the four of us can sometimes go overboard on description, but we've been working A LOT on it and have been learning and working and researching and practicing.
Here's what we noticed: 

>In the beginning half of your story, there were a lot of descriptions regarding the sun. "Just a small splotch highlighted against the sunset. The vibrant all-encompassing oranges of the setting sun. The bright golden sheen the dusk cast on my hair." We must say that your prose ROCKS, but the sun as a description focal point can be a bit repetitive. Funny story actually; whenever Alison writes a story or chapter or something, she always references eyes. So every time we read we have to say EYES, and she'll rephrase the sentence. (The purpose of this story was to let you know that everyone has a focal point they center description on. Hehe). Consider rephrasing your sentences to a few other points-of-focus. If you want to say it, but don't want it to sound repetitive, consider dropping out the parts with the sun. Something like:
."...just a small splotch highlighted in oranges and yellows against the sky." ← It didn't reference the sun, but described the exact thing you were saying in the other sentence.
So what we're trying to say is that, YES, use the sun to help you describe if you like! :D But our suggestion to you would be to not use it every time you describe your colors such as oranges or reds. Maybe you could use 'sky,' 'heavens,' 'empyrean?'
You said your descriptions felt forced; maybe it's because you feel you're centering your descriptions around a certain focal point? (A few that we didn't notice, maybe, or something that you feel) so maybe if you change up your wording, you'll find them flow much more smoothly? 

>This sentence here, "Small explosions could be heard on the other ship, and there was a dragging pause as the crew recharged their guns," is really good in description. Very awesome. Our suggestion for you would be to change the word "explosions" in this sentence to something else (blast, detonation, paroxysm) because you say, "Then the air exploded" in the very next sentence. 

>Consider using onomatopoeia, where you use sound words. These will come in handy when you're writing about the weapons and the noises they make, and give you much more space to write and describe feelings, tension-building tactics. For example, instead of saying:
"Thunder cracked through the air with the sound of several thousand elephants stampeding through the rocky terrain." 

Try, "Crack," (or, our personal favorite,) "CRACK!" 

The first example was seventeen words. Seventeen words for an event that's short, that's three seconds. Those seventeen words could be used to describe what the weapons look like instead of what they sound like, and five letters could describe a three-second. (We felt like we should explain why instead of just throwing that out there and saying, "Hey, we suggest that you use onomatopoeia in this chapter!") 

>Last one: for description, when things are thickening in the plot, or are getting extremely action-packed, we would suggest that you don't bridge your sentences together but instead use shorter sentences together when you're describing. We noticed this throughout your chapter, and it slowed the pacing down just a bit. An example of a bridged sentence during an action-packed syntax would be: 

"My panicked state made my heart feel as if it were going to burst from from my chest, even as I uselessly banged my fist against the man's arms." The bridge here is where the rest of the sentence continues right after the comma. Consider this: "My panicked state made my heart feel as if it were going to burst from my chest(.) I uselessly banged my fist against the man's arms."
It's just a tension-building thing. The four of us have come to the conclusion over the years, along with the advice from NBRians that the shortening-of-sentences is used to build up tension and cause abrupt sentence flow during action.

But the WAY you describe things is awesome. You have awesome prose and your writing style is so apparent through this first chapter; we love it. :D
How can you improve the understanding of the nahir concepts without blatant exposition?
Hmm...we kind of realize that there's expansion that'll happen in the story. If that's the style you want to go with, go with it. But if you want to show more of the nahir powers without telling exactly what they are, here are a few tips/suggestions we've come up with:
>Weave in how the main character feels about the nahir magic. You did this some, but you can always spread it to the entire chapter, if you like. 

>Describe the magic sharper. By this, we mean what it looked like when it came out of the people's hands, if it had heat or coolness radiating from it., what it looked like, how it smelled, using the five senses, really. 

>We realize you don't want to give backstory on what the nahir magic is. The characters using it is genius, it shows that there's an element of magic in there...so with that being said, write with confidence when you write about the nahir magic. Only you know if you do this one or not because you're writing the story! Write like you've known what it's been for years, like you grew up with it like you grew up knowing that you had to brush your teeth every morning and every night. THEN write about the backstory when you're ready, what it is. Let your readers piece together until then. Write with confidence about it, and don't hold back. ;)

Does it keep us reading, and what is our general opinion the world elements and characters?
Oh, it certainly does. We love how there are pieces of magic woven together and then also worldly elements. We could tell that the main characters were terrified and hurt and scared and you did an awesome job executing that out--as we could visualizing everything perfectly. We can't wait to read more of your story this week! Thank you so much for reading our tips and suggestions. We hope you found them helpful! ♥

--Rachel, Stephanie, Alison, Clary

Network with this winner: GirlsCanRockToo

1st runner up: AhsokaJackson

2nd runner up: drahcirwolf

Final Author's Note: N/A

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Author #2: TorissaNikole

Book Title: The Seventh Chance (Crystalline Melodies )

Specified Chapter: CHAPTER 2

Summary Thus Far in Book: n/a

Author's Note:  I did enjoy writing this chapter, I've just got a sneaking feeling that it's not up to par with the previous. Anything you can think of, nitpicks and all, I'll accept gladly.

1) Worldbuilding: Is the way the worldbuilding of this chapter and the previous is subtly and naturally incorporated into the flow of the plot understandable, or is it TOO subtle?

2) Intensity: I was told to start all this with a bang, but is it too intense (especially right after the previous chapter)? Do you, as the reader, "need a break", or does the continued action pull you in more?

3) Genre: This is intended to be an interesting mashup of sci-fi and fantasy. Do the elements seem to blend well together so far, or do they seem at odds too much to be satisfying?

Genre: (Science) Fantasy

Rating:  PG-13 for violence.

Winning Comment: 

Once again, great job! 1) I did like the world building in this chapter, once again it was natural and 'showed' the reader rather then 'told'. Having said that there were a lot of names of animals/creatures that were thrown around and I'm not sure if they were necessary this early on. It is obviously important to mention the affected because they feature in this chapter but some of the others kind of felt like a bit of an information overload. Also it might be an idea to give the reader a bit more of an idea of what the affected are or what they have been affected by. You do say that they used to be animals, which is helpful, but I can't quite visualise them or understand their origin. If this has been kept purposefully vague then no worries but if not maybe add a little bit more here. 2) I love intensity so this worked for me. I have a similar situation with my story where the first two chapters are very intense. It might be an idea to add a little more of a pause between when she gets attacked by the men and when she gets attacked by the affected. I'm not really sure how you would fill it considering I don't know where the story is going but maybe show a bit more of her desperation, her uncertainty or her humanity. Give your reader something to really get behind. Give them a reason to keep supporting her and wanting her to get through these challenges. 3) I really enjoy how your sci-fi/fantasy elements are blending at the moment, however you haven't given the reader all that much information yet so I can't really say for certain. Additional notes: As I said in your last chapter, some of your descriptions are absolutely beautiful. For example, I loved 'The feat of what's behind me tugs at the hems of my clothes, at the skin on my back, as if the personification of all my fears is breathing down my neck.' SUCH A GOOD SENTENCE!

I did have a little bit of a problem with some of your characters internal dialogue however. It's a bit of a personal thing, but I've always felt that internal dialogue can be used as a bit of a cop-out for authors to avoid having to describe something (sorry, I don't mean to be rude). Some of your internal dialogue was great and gave the reader an insight into what has happened to your character and these internal dialogues I really enjoyed. At other points however, I think you used it in a way that didn't do your writing credit. Because as I've said before, I absolutely love a lot of your descriptions. For example, there is a part where you say: "I think I'm going to be sick" I think, playing Miss Obvious. I don't throw up, but it still takes a while for everything to stop moving. This is something that you could describe easily without having internal dialogue. In fact, I don't think I've ever thought to myself 'I think I'm going to be sick.' I've felt it. Its always been a sudden realisation through what I'm feeling and it's not something I need to communicate verbally to myself. I also thought the part where she is thinking 'Run' 'No. Go. Faster.' could also be described however this part I had less of an issue with because sometimes when I am exercising I have to internally scold myself to keep going haha. So I understand this one. Anyway, the internal dialogue isn't a massive problem and it does work fine the way it is. I just think, based of a lot of your other writing, you could think of creative descriptions that would be much more engaging.

Network with this winner: KillYourDarlings7

1st runner up: AhsokaJackson

2nd runner up: GirlsCanRockToo

Final Author's Note: N/A

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Author #3: TorissaNikole

Book Title: The Seventh Chance (Crystalline Melodies )

Specified Chapter: CHAPTER 4

Summary Thus Far in Book: n/a

Author's Note:  This is a rewrite hot off the keyboard, and I've had basically no critique on it yet, therefore it is the rawest and most difficult of the three so far. I know for a fact that it's riddled with errors, so I look to you guys to tell me exactly HOW to fix it.

1) Alternating: The alternating between past and present is a unique element that seems to have both fans and... non-fans...? How do YOU feel about it, why, and either way, are there any specific ways to improve it? (Ex. A certain way of labeling the chapters, PoV notes, etc.)

2) Dialogue: I don't have the slightest clue how I fare when it comes to dialogue: please enlighten me. Dialogue tags, body language, flow, clarity, realism, the whole shebang: if I sucked, please tell me how to improve, and if I didn't, please tell me what specifically I did right so I can keep on doing it! Same goes for internal dialogue.

3) Telepathy: This chapter is the first that presents the concept of telepathy. I'm having trouble figuring out how to format/mark the telepathically sensed interactions. Any thoughts on that would be much appreciated.

Genre: (Science) Fantasy

Rating:  PG-13 for violence.

Winning Comment: 1. If you mean chapter-wise, I don't mind it at all! It's something I haven't seen in a story as of yet. Just make sure past events relate to what's going on in present. Info dumps and basic life events won't do it. 

Agreeing with on this, though. I know that you clearly differentiate past and present in the chapter titles, but just pretend that you don't have that. I know that this could be a huge step, but perhaps you should consider writing past tense for your "past" chapters and present tense for your "present" chapters. Another thing you could consider is putting some sort of time indicator(year, month, time, etc) at the beginning of past chapters. It would make it a lot clearer that you're writing in past tense. One last tip I have is for you is to make it clear that your character is younger in the past chapters. For example, the mom could be more protective of her by hugging her close, people could guard her from oncoming danger, she could be put amongst different kids...you could change up her tone and dialogue to sound a *tad* more juvenile, and finally, make her actions distinctly different from how they are now. She might be more inclined to be more fearful earlier on in life, but perhaps now, fearful situations are second nature. 

2. I didn't have much of an issue with the dialogue at all. For one thing, both of the characters in this chapter contrasted from one another, and I think that was mainly because of the dialogue. I'm a fan of the slang you used in the chapter, as it adds a great deal of realism that I usually don't see in fantasy/sci-fi novels. Your grammar is so far excellent, so it flowed well. With all that being said, it didn't feel forced at all...quite the contrary! It was natural enough to the point where it didn't bother me one bit.

3. I'm sorry to say that I had no idea telepathy was introduced in this chapter. There was a lot of muddled information near the end, a lot of internal thoughts, and I think that you already know that clearing it up is probably a good idea at this point. I suggest:
-Minimal internal thoughts from the MC(the ones in italics). There's a lot of them in this chapter, and while it's a good way for readers to connect to the MC, this seems to be an important moment in the chapter, one that can be spared of all those thoughts. You can simply explain it in the narrative, but for now, focus on the telepathy.
-I had no idea what those words in brackets were supposed to be there for. Some clarification- or simply a different format- would work perfectly.
-Focus on what you're writing so you can make it extra clear. Every action, every description...make sure it's concise!
-Tone. If the main character is confused, make that evident through tone. Descriptions of appearance or action can be a little cryptic, but be careful that you're not overdoing it. A little fear/panic would work fine, too.
Now, to answer your actual question properly, I'd like to know *how* you want to format the telepathic scene. For starters, you need to have a good understanding of how it works, which I'm more than certain that you do. Next, you want to figure out how your character uses her telepathic powers. If it's through glowing eyes, you could have her stare into space for a split second and then...
If it's Krys: her eyes could burn with the sensation, perhaps she could be almost blinded by white light as she activates her powers.
If it's Nikora: There could be an abnormal glow in her eyes after she stares into space or said object...I'm not quite sure how it works, but they could either glow right away or not. Plus, what area of the eye are we talking? The pupil or the whole thing? Now that I think of it...is it even the eye?

Make sure to use quite a bit of sensory detail when you go about writing the telepathic scene(as stated before)! You'll want the readers to be totally on board with what you're writing.
I found this to be an interesting read, and I think you're a wonderful writer. I hope my reviews and ideas have been helpful and will come to some use! Good luck with the editing process! If you have any questions about this post, don't hesitate to ask.

Network with this winner: PackerBacker2

1st runner up: CoraFoerstner

2nd runner up: AhsokaJackson

Final Author's Note: This has definitely been one of the best weeks ever. TSC was absolutely butchered, and I loved every second of it. It's exactly what I needed, I have so many improvements to make and I am grateful to all of you. I wish I could have replied to all of you right away, but you can at least expect replies soon as I will be reviewing all comments again for the sake of revisions! I sincerely appreciated the advice from everyone, and I feel very hopeful now having a direction to focus my improvements. I just want to shoutout to some other great commenters, SamSchloesing, EmileaJones, and linahanson, among many others.

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Round ends 8/5/16