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Friday 22nd ~ Friday 29th

Moderator: mokbook

Comment Topic:  Scene building/world construction is the backbone of any story but it can be difficult for writers to strike a balance. Were you transported to 'that time or place'?  Point out where the authors may have been under or over descriptive and suggest any possible improvements.

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Author #1: [Prompt Challenge #2 Winner!! & Wattpad Featured Author] IVM992

Book Title: Moons made of Muskets

Specified Chapter: Chapter 7

Summary Thus Far in Book: Stewart Casey and his friend and colleague Marie Mirabeau run a small private detective business in Montreal. Earlier in the story, the detectives were hired to find a missing person. In their search, Stewart and Marie end up vanishing themselves. Basically, the investigators are transported to "Regnum Maleficus," a world where Witches rule and the year is 1774. 

In the previous chapter, Stew and Marie are taken in by three Witch sisters named Louise, Carmela and Giselle Desaunier.  In chapter 7, with the help of the Desaunier sisters, the protagonists are coming to terms with the idea that they've traveled to an alternate world.

Author's Note: 1. In this chapter, I'm trying to establish some subtle differences between Regnum Maleficus and our world, most of which (bar the obvious differences in terms of magic and witches) are related to ideas about gender and gender roles. Did you get some of those ideas/themes here?

2. Was there too much "flashback/memory" in this chapter?

3. I'm currently in the process of slowly going back and editing this story after nearly a year of not really touching it at all. Any suggestions for strengthening this chapter? (grammar, pacing, etc)

Genre: Paranormal

Rating: PG-13, some adult language and some sexual references

Winning Comment: Morning Ivy,

First, thank you for picking Moons made of Muskets for us to review. I admit, I've never been a fan of witchcraft stories, but yours is different. I'm quite taken in with all the mysterious elements in the plot so far. Needless to say, I will be reading much, much more :)

Moving to the review, there is obviously a little overlap in the comment topic - scene setting - and your first and third questions. So my review will cover all these parts in parallel.

Since we're talking about scenes, I'm gonna happily quote my preferred source, Dwight Swain - or more accurately, Randy Ingermanson who quotes Dwight Swain. Here's the link: (see comment in round for link)

Be warned though, I am at present, rewriting my work based on this scene and sequel advise and it's a pain in the *beep beep*, but I am loving the results! Though I bet the screeners at NBR will hate me, since they've had to read my work several times- once for each time I've edited the work, submitted it and then decided I need to make more changes. (Sowie to the screeners!)

Now, the basic is this - a scene must have a goal, conflict and disaster.

In this chapter,

the goal is - to get back to 2014

the conflict is - Marie doesn't know how and needs Louise

the disaster is - Louise doesn't know either and Marie must go and speak with a Noble Witch to find out how.

So with the basics covered, you have all the *right* ingredients for a Scene. What is lacking then? I'm not sure how to put this across without offending, so I apologize in advance, but I'm thinking - plain - might be the best word. You seem focussed on telling the story - without any of the story telling frills. And in doing that, you've sort of missed putting the reader <me> into this 18th century world. Like Marie, I find myself constantly questioning whether I am actually in another world/time.

Let's see why-

Maries clothes at the dinner scene - a dress with parts Stew couldn't identify. Why or how does that issue make this 18th century? If you were to ask a modern man what the difference is between a bodice, corset or bustier, they'd be floundering for answers as well. For Marie, the gown would be most uncomfortable - I would imagine getting used to an archaic dress would draw more discomfort than simply Marie tugging at her sleeves. Would that also then imply that Marie has never worn anything that isn't wrist length? Perhaps the bodice or corset part would leave Marie more uncomfortable - especially since it wasn't crafted for her and therefore would be ill-fitting. The same would apply to Stew. Wouldnt he be uncomfortable in 18th century clothes? Maybe they were itchy, if nothing else.

Another example - sitting down at the dinner table. It could have been any dinner table, right. There are no details. What was the room like? What were the 18th century decorations in a matriarchal society like? What was the food? Why was that different from our food? The whiskey was comparatively better than what Stew has tasted. What about the wine Marie glugged?

Where are the differences coming out then? The fact that no one has a telephone. That it is a matriarchal society. Witchcraft is natural. That's it? This is all telling, not showing. Since you are in editing mode, perhaps this would be the opportune time to change some of the telling to showing.

Example time! When Marie and Stew walk into the dining room, you could spend a moment describing what the room was like. Dark colored walls? Wallpaper in a shade or pattern impossible to find today? Different curtains, chandeliers? The furniture would look like it's crawled straight out of a museum, except in better condition - or worse condition since it is being used French, English and Native influence would mean there's a lot that's different. Plus you're crafting a world that is essentially, different from ours. So I'm sure a lot more could be different, if you so choose it to be.

For the final critique in this section, I'm gonna go with the MRU section as explained by Randy. This is another reason why I found the writing plain - the lack of feelings. Almost everything happens as if robotically. He said, she said. She said, this happened.

Example

Marie threw her hands in the air. "What are we supposed to do?"

Louise put a hand on Marie's knee. "Do not fret, ma chere. I will tell you..."

The dialogue of course gives us a hint of what the speaker might be feeling. But there could be more.

And then there's the missing beats.

Louise put a hand on Marie's knee. "Do not fret, ma chere. I will tell you where you may find her. She will want to speak with you. A sorciere voyageur is a rare thing. But I cannot accompany you. I belong here. I am responsible for the care of this parish, you understand?"

Long dialogue, recited robotically. No thoughts, feelings, hand gestures, eye movements nothing. We know Louise has an ulterior motive. But what adds the subtext to her dialogue? Nothing. What shows the reader, her cunning/ planning/ manipulative ways? Nothing.

Suggestion

Louise pouts and puts a hand on Marie's knee. "Do not fret, ma chere. I will tell you where you may find her." She glances at her sister and smirks before continuing. "She will want to speak with you. A sorciere voyageur is a rare thing." Louise settes further back in her chair and takes a quick drag from her cigar. "A rare thing indeed."

Louise notices Marie looking at her with narrowed eyes. Perhaps she said too much? "But I cannot accompany you." She added quickly. Grabbing both of Marie's hands she said, "I belong here. I am responsible for the care of this parish, you understand?" She hoped to channel Marie's scrutiny on another problem.

When Marie sighed and gulped down the whiskey Carmela handed her, Louise settled back satisfied with the distraction she had provided.

Maybe that's too long? Too many beats? Pacing becomes slower? But it does do its job - shows the reader that Louise is not as frank as she sounds, and has an ulterior motive.

Now for your second question, flashback - too much or too little - is always debatable. Personally, I skipped a little. So perhaps, yes the whole section about cigarette smoking could have been shorter.

Good luck with the reviews and the changes! I hope something I've said was helpful to you!

Network with this winner: arathi1

1st runner up: GirlsCanRockToo

2nd runner up: xramen

Final Author's Note: Thank you!

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Author #2: euphoriaseeker

Book Title: Much Ado About Ben and Trix

Specified Chapter: Act 1 Scene 1 (1)

Summary Thus Far in Book: A modernised Much Ado About Nothing

Author's Note: Super excited to be spotlighted this round. Thanks to all the Board Members who are awesome and work so hard for this initiative. My three questions for this round are:

1. Characterisation: this is a big thing for me as this story is mainly character driven. How would you describe my characters and are they fleshed out enough, if not why?

2. Is it clear what is going on or are there parts where it doesn't flow or becomes convoluted in any way?

3. I sometimes struggle with descriptions of scenes, especially with using the five senses. Are there any places where description could be enhanced further.

If there is anything else don't hesitate to let me know or if you have any questions. So excited to hear from all of you.

Genre: Short Story

Rating: PG

Winning Comment: 

P# = Paragraph Number

S# = Sentence Number

Congrats on the spotlight!

How do I love thee? For modernizing the Bard I cannot count the loves I has for you.

But really, I'm more of a tragedy/historical fan when it comes to Shakespeare (just like Beatrix, lol) so I haven't read Much Ado About Nothing since High school but I really like the idea!. Thank you for that and for the story, which I also enjoyed reading (and reviewing!)

Comment Topic-

The style of the story, a modernization of a Shakespearian play, change my expectations a little bit. I look more for dialogue in this kind of venture, and I placed a lot of emphasis on the characters speaking to each other in my review, in regards to that. I think the minimalism is good and there's ENOUGH detail that we know what's going on. The characters interactions and histories and personalities are the setting, in a way. The writer can use character driven plot lines a way that the reader can gauge what they're living through. For me, atleast, the author has done that sufficiently in this case. More depth for the characters is needed, but the basic framework is there, supported by the inspiring characters and plots in the source material, which the author can use to patch up any holes or inconsistencies.

I think Beatrix is the leader. Peyton is kind of like her second, a good friend and a support system but also is a bit of a rebel. Helena seems like the odd one out, boy crazy but still nervous in crowds that don't include Peyton and Trix. Beatrix is mostly defined in this chapter by her clear dislike of Ben, her ex. She is kind of melodramatic, she's feisty and she's got a sharp wit. Ben is kind of lacking for me. He seems like he's on auto pilot most of the time. He doesn't seem like the kind of guy Beatrix would even give the time of day too. Claude and Jaime are kind of side notes, but I'm sure we'll get to know them more later, which is fine.

I would have liked to see a little more physical description of the characters. I know Beatrix is of Asian descent and has black hair, Peyton is a short girl (I think) with blonde hair dyed blue and Helena has brown hair and wears bracelets. Neither Jaime or Claude is described, and Ben's description is very sparse.

P2, S2

Lots of commas, lots of breaks and pauses so maybe, for it to flow smoother, you could do something like: "Her roommate Peyton sat in a desk chair, her blonde head leaned back into the sink. She tried to look up at Helena but was pushed back down by Beatrix's free hand."

It gives a better idea of where the characters are positioned as well. I was a little confused at first as to what they were doing, while most won't be because it's obvious, oblivious people like me might need a little more to go on.

P5, S1

Helena didn't really give an opinion of the Prince's boys, so why is Trixie offering this opinion? Wouldn't it be better to say "Who cares?" Or "So what? They're jerks." or something similar. Or, If you show us that Helena is excited about this comment might make more sense.

P6

How about "Just because Ben broke your heart does not mean all men are pigs." ? But really, Trix's response was very lukewarm and nonchalant and Helena's is very direct. You could have Beatrix make a disgusted face or roll her eyes or something that would constitute a negative reaction to the news and this dialogue would make more sense.

P8

When did Helena sit down to cross her legs and where did she sit in the bathroom? If she's crossing her ankles while standing she probably looks very strange.

P13

Is Beatrix not holding her down anymore? I'd think it'd be harder to adjust her towel with Beatrix angrily pulling her hair.

P16, S1

The phrase "mass murder of blue texta factory" confused me. What's blue texta factory? And what mass murder would result in a bunch of blue splatter? I don't really know how to correct it. I get the visual you're trying to explain, but it was a strange way to get use there.

P17

Did she remove the towel from around her shoulders after she adjusted it? Or did she grab another towel to clean with? Don't jump ahead of yourself, you've got to make it clear and concise what the characters actions are.

P21

Ok, so if Peyton pushed her with her foot she would have felt it with her back, not with the tshirt on her back. Also, it's an awkward image for me. Is Peyton a lot taller than Trix? If not, she would have to lean fear back to get her foot all the way up to her back, especially with her heel and not her toe.

P29

Does he have a really nice car? How is he overcompensating with the statement about his car? Tad bit confusing.

P32

Mouth(s), plural. And why are they agape? Because she finished his sentence? Did that really shock them that much? Why isn't Peyton talking or Claude either, even though she directly asked him a question earlier?

P33, S1

Chop what off? Like, his......? If so, that was a little harsher reaction than I'd find realistic for a mock bow.

P35

He stood her up and they broke up? Did she end it with him because of that or did he just stand her up and stop talking to her? The first plausibility seems pretty silly and would make Trix less sympathetic, but Ben more so. The second helps me understand why she would be so pissed, so just a little clarification might help your reader.

P36

If she walked away and motioned to Peyton to go, would she just dive back into the conversation like that? Wouldn't she be mad her friend was still back there chatting? Also I don't know if "dacked" is a typo or just some terminology I'm not familiar with, but I don't understand her statement at all in regards to this Jaime guy.

P38

Are Ben and Peyton siblings? Why is she telling her mum about him if they are not? If they are, you should mention it prior and probably have some dialogue between the two as they have been away at different schools and haven't seen each other in forever.

P42, S4

Who's Frank Hurley?

P43, S4

They're in the dining hall and clumped together but Hel is standing?

P45

Some timeframe issues for me. Earlier she thought she had fifteen minutes till she would see Ben and he was in the hall as soon as she left her room. Now, she knows that he'll be coming tin five minutes? How does she know that? Also, if he was headed in the same direction why did he go the opposite way?

P46, S2

I just really can't wrap my head around this sentence. Do Claude and Ben stand up there with them, is that what's going on?

P49

The whole room is watching them and they're up there whispering to each other? Maybe, just have Peyton shove the paper back in Trix's hand and refuse to speak so her friend is forced to?

P54

This is strange to me. What does his statement have to do with this response? I don't see the link. And if everyone knows about them and how they make relationships seem like they're not worth it, why didn't Claude know why they hated each other earlier?

P57

What do ATAR scores have to do with what she says about boyfriends? It's kind of like they're having two separate conversations at the same time instead of talking to each other.

P65

He's on the cricket team? I thought it was soccer? Or is he a member of both teams?

P68/69

If she has two phones, why would Helena really, physically hurt her friend? That seems over the top as well and something she would be punished for.

P70

It's not clear whether it's Peyton or Beatrix who is answering Ben here, for me. Also, you need a comma or a period after "Scholarships" I think a period would work best.

P72, S2

I thought Claude was vice captain?

P74

Oh ok, Peyton is Jaime's sister, got it!

OTHER COMMENTS

P2, S1

I would just say sink, instead of bathroom sink. Since already established Helena running into the room, you don't have to repeat where we are.

P4

How about "Helena tilted her head and shot her friend a disappointed look."? And I'd highlight her annoyance at Beatrix's sarcasm by replacing the comma after "You know who(,)" with an explanation mark.

S3

You need a comma after black(,) and before plastic.

P7

I'd use an explanation mark at the end of her dialogue to match the tone of vehemence that comes along with "spat".

P9

Don't use firstly unless your character is going to say secondly or address the other speakers points in a list. How about "Firstly, I don't believe in love because of my parents. Secondly, I said I didn't like The Merchant of Venice. I can appreciate Richard III though, it's got all the political drama and carnage. Lastly, you know I've been a feminist since way before I met Ben."

P11

I think you should get straight to applying (which should be applied anyway to avoid tense jumping) the dye to her head, instead of detailing putting the dye on the brush. Something like "She wet the brush with the blue dye from the palette-as directed by the cheap packaging-and dragged it roughly along a section of blonde hair. Peyton winced as Beatrix tugged and pulled."

P14/15

Having both Peyton and Trix sigh as they're talking is a little repetitive, and shows they're both conveying the same emotion, which they aren't. Peyton's kind of frustrated, like Helena was and Trix should be anxious or angry, especially given her statement. You don't usually sigh when you are thinking about punching someone in the kidneys, at least I don't lol! Also, Kidney's doesn't need an apostrophe.

Reply

P16, S2

Papers towel(s), plural and I would put "from under the sink" as well.

I'd also put "the" in front of mirror to differentiate it from "the once white cabinets". Also, the word "before" is out of place here. How about "to keep the cleaner from having a heart attack on Monday."

P22

What was exacerbated? Her heartbeat? Her inability to balance? (Which seems a tad over dramatic also. It's like she's walking down death row!)

P23, S2

The description is a little off here. I'd try something like "The tan, thrift store pants and James Dean inspired haircut were a clear indicator, even if he looked slightly more hipster than he had a year ago."

Also, a clear indicator of what? I'd just get rid of that phrase all together. Maybe replace "were a clear indicator," with "were instantly recognizable,"

S3

It reads like she's clamping her eyes shut and reopening them at the same time.

How about "She closed her eyes for a heartbeat, then opened them again." ?

S4

"It wasn't a trick of the light." In my opinion, a trick of the light doesn't make a person appear before you. How about illusion or hallucination or something like that?

P24

Strand instead of stand.

P27, S1/2

Just a suggestion, say "Oh Benji, I (always) thought your wit was you overcompensating for something..."

Without fault doesn't make much sense. I'd cap it off at "....she said." and start a whole new sentence with "Without faltering, she turned to his companion."

Then you can just cap that as well and continue with her dialogue. We'll still know she's talking to his friend, but it flows smoother.

P31

Their comebacks are kind of disconnected and don't really flow well. She wasn't being sarcastic, from what I could tell, in the paragraph before, and why is he spouting Oscar Wilde quotes at her? And she's finishing them. It just seems, I don't know, strange. Their banter is just sort of falling flat for me..

P33, S2

Two missing commas. "She turned back around(,) staring at Peyton(,)"

P33, S3

Comma missing "Beatrix raised an eyebrow(,) beckoning her friend over."

P34

If he's asking to both of them he would say something like "What's the two of you's problem?" Or "What's the problem?" If he's asking Peyton (who answers) he'd say something like "What's up with them?" or "What's their problem?"

P39

Fist(s), plural.

P40

It says she clamped her mouth down when she was finished talking but then she continues talking, which is odd imagery for me. Also, no comma needed after Hel.

P41

Take out the parenthesis and just put a comma after Ben.

P42, S1

Since they only dated three months and I'm not entirely sure who ended the relationship, Trix's reactions are very over the top for me. She's physically shaken, furious, flinging herself at brick walls and bashing her head on them. If that were my friend I would be dragging her down to the councilor's office ASAP. It's just a little melodramatic.

P43, S3

Just a little change, I'd say "Helena and a few members of the volleyball team were clumped together with the soccer boys."

P44

Hel can't shove them into their seats AND slump simultaneously into one with them.

P48, S1

She shrugs twice, it should just be "Peyton looked at Beatrix. The shorter girl shrugged, most of the notes on her phone had (already) been mentioned." I replaced checked off with mentioned also.

S2

No comma needed after "Year 12(,)

P50, S4

Students are probably going to be confused if she starts her part of the announcements with "Fine." after whispering with her friend.

P50, S6

Comma needed after "Year 12(,)"

P51, S1

Peyton refused to talk but jumps in at the perfect time about the masquerade? Why didn't she mention it earlier, or why didn't Beatrix when she failed to do so?

You should also say "masquerade themed dance" instead of just "masquerade theme".

You need a comma after theme, even if you don't change it.

I'd take the comma out after "Venetian masks" and say "left over from" instead of "due to".

It'd flow smoother if you cap the sentence after "play". Let "We extend the invitation to the boys." stand on its own.

P52, S1

Replace "was" with "were".

P53, S2

Need a comma after table and I would say "sitting next to Helena" instead of "sitting back next to Helena" since you already let us know she's headed back to the table you don't need to repeat it.

P56

The "although" is unnecessary here but you do need to put an "a" before boyfriend. Also, while it sticks to the spirit of the play, would Trix really say "whilst"?

P71, S2

You should have written "handed her the boxes" instead of "handed them the boxes".

Network with this winner: EmileaJones

1st runner up: 

2nd runner up: Tegan1311

Final Author's Note: Final author's note: I just wanted to thank everyone for taking the time out of their week to comment on my story. You were all so kind and helpful and to those of you I have not responded to I'm sorry but i will get around to it but thank you all. I was honestly in awe of how much time and effort was put into these comments. I've been with NBR from almost the beginning and I just love the little community it has grown into.

Thank you all for everything. All of your comments will be taken into account when I go back and edit this piece.

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Author #3: Tegan1311 

Book Title: Dreams Overtaken

Specified Chapter: Chimera

Summary Thus Far in Book: N/A

Author's Note: I'm super excited to have another chance in the spotlight. Thanks Dawn and NBR team for this opportunity to share another one of my novels within this amazing club. I really appreciate it.

Questions: 1- Is the opening strong enough to hook you? *I know it's a dream sequence, which can be cliche, but come on, it's the title of the book, lol! It introduces the MC and the protagonist, as well as the central conflict.

2- What do you think of the characters so far?

3- What do you think the tiger represents, the reason for it being here?

Genre: YA Fantasy

Rating: PG

Winning Comment: 1. To go along with what I said in the start of the comment topic, I really like how you wrote this dream and built this world. I was able to follow along and it hooked my interest especially when this dark figure appeared and I wanted to know who he is and what he's up to. I also like how you took the time to describe the scene and used the senses to make the reader picture what you are writing. I don't see many writers taking the time to describe the beauty of whatever they are seeing, but you do that, and I really like that. It helped bring it to life!

2. This first chapter really just focuses on describing the dream and the surroundings around the MC, so I don't have a good picture yet of who the MC is. I think we were introduced a little more to the protagonist actually, but I like what you showed us about him because that's what got my interest. Even though the MC is a little vague so far, I still get the idea that she's curious about the things around her, unless she senses danger. Then, she doesn't want anything to do with it. So she seems conflicted, but the protagonist is determined to show her whatever he wants to show her. I must admit, I read past the NBR cut off point, and I love that cliffhanger! It also shows that she's a little ignorant and still not convinced that what she's dreaming about is actually true.

3. At one point, I think when the tiger appeared again, I wondered if it was actually the dark figure, somehow being able to transform from himself to the tiger. But then he attacked the protagonist so then I thought maybe not lol. But the tiger seems to be protecting the MC. I really have no idea yet what the tiger represents since it's still vague, but I'm getting the idea that it's supposed to be her protector and that we'll be seeing it appear later in the story. Well those are my thoughts. Overall, a great beginning! I hope anything I pointed out will help you as you edit, keep up the great work! :)"

Network with this winner: Victoria_Brooks

1st runner up: xramen

2nd runner up: PackerBacker2

Final Author's Note: All 3 of these readers had a strong sense for my MC and the dark stranger. They answered all my questions and let me know where improvements could be made.

Honestly, I asked for improvements and boy did I get them...from everyone, lol! There was a good consensus on what needs work and I've already started on that.

A special shoutout to KurokageJS for giving me a better, stronger starting point which I've already changed. Thank you!

And to AhsokaJackson Man, if you weren't past the deadline, you ABSOLUTELY would've won! You were the only one to comment on the song lyrics and realize what they meant for the chapter. Outstanding. You completely understood my MC and the dark stranger (you got the bad guy yet vulnerable vibe). You were also the only one to guess right about the tiger. Other people hinted, but you stated it outright. You also understood that the dream could have consequences in reality via the stranger (Randlyn).

Thank you everyone for your honest reactions to my first chapter. I'm working on a new opening now so the MC, Tegan, and her life, are understood before the dream. 

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Round ended 07/29/2016