Vote, it helps NBR :)

Friday 8th ~ Friday 15th

Moderator: swiftiegirl1010

Comment Topic: The beginning, climax, turning point, resolution. Every story has its own peaks and conflict. Comment on the character's internal or external struggles in the chapter and how well it was handled.

---

Author #1: leah_tee

Book Title: Pieces Of Olivia

Spotlight Chapter: Spy or no spy?

Summary Thus Far in Book: Yesterday, Olivia R. woke up in a hospital after having been hit by a taxi. She is quick to realize that she has no memory of herself and is the only one in the building without a British accent. The only person who knows what her name is is the handsome Nick Granger: passenger in the taxi, well-known musician, and the person Olivia threw everything within reaching distance at when she woke up. After she calms down, Olivia learns that Nick has been at the end of her bed the entire time she's been unconscious. The pair form a fast friendship, the only one Olivia now has in the world. Meanwhile, Scotland Yard Detective Sparks has been trying to figure out Olivia's story from half a name and the single key found on her person.

Author's Note: At long last, it's my turn! Thanks so much to Dawn for personally seeking me out and introducing me to this super neat group. I'm really excited to get feedback on this story of mine, so please, don't hold back.

1.    Are the characters themselves, particularly Nick and Olivia, easy to visualize? Can you get a good idea of their personalities and feelings, even with this not being the first chapter that they are introduced in?

2.    Is this believable? I'm not a doctor,
obviously, and the internet can only give me so much as far as amnesia is concerned. What I want to know is do you buy it?

3.    And last, but not least, I want to know the obvious: would you continue reading? Or are you at least intrigued enough to go to the first chapter and read more into the story? (Adding it to your reading list or voting speaks volumes for me, folks!)

Genre: Chick Lit

Rating: PG (Some language)

Winning Comment: NBR#1

MODERATOR questions:

Olivia is obviously struggling with who she is and who this handsome stranger is. 

Questions 1. Are the characters easy to visualize
Oliva for sure the paragraph describing her was detailed in her physical description. She also has plenty of questions to what's going on around her to get a sense of who she is.

Nick - sweet, innocent. Clearly a cutie with all the nurses hovering at the door to get a glimpse of him. I'm not sure if you cover a physical description of him somewhere else in the book. But still got it, he's handsome, talented and generous.

2. Is this believable? (I'm not a doctor...)
Retrograde traumatic amnesia, rare but not impossible. If you google it, there are case studies of individuals in car accidents that this has happened to. Why not your character.
You might want to use some fancy Latin terms like: *cerebral edema (brain swelling)*hemorrahage (bleeding)*unilateral trauma (injury to one side)
Doctors are always giving our family some ridiculously fancy word for something they could just give layman's term for.
Another MEDICAL NOTE..."IVs are gone." (Doctors don't run more than one IV, at least not that I've ever seen. AND I've been in the hospital lots with my child that is medically challenged. Doctors and nurses can put whatever medicine they need in the one IV.)

3. Would you continue reading?
Hard to say... I have a HUGE line up books in my library already. I don't mind a little romance, chick lit or teen fiction now and then. I'll add it to my library to look at for a future read. :)

NOW for some SUGGESTIONS:

Watch out for falling Tense switches! I think you're trying to work in the present tense. But there were enough tense switches to question which. Past tense is a much easier choice to write in, something to think about.

After an awful night's sleep, (removed filled) with nightmares of faceless people coming at me with syringes and cars—(results) in me constantly waking up in a cold sweat and tangle of IV tubes—the sunshine brought a day (filled remove) full of positive little things. (Also removed the first mention (filled) since it is said later in the sentence. No need to repeat it.)

Arguably the most positive little thing that this morning brings (brought was) is the return of Nick.I still feel ashamed (felt is past tense)It is (was) as if there (There are more... for sure, but I thought I'd touch on a few other things for you too.)

INTERNAL THOUGHT.
This line felt odd to read as it had internal thought mentioned in the middle of the sentence. "Hobbling into the adjacent bathroom with a nurse on my arm, I'm not sure exactly what I (was) am expecting, but the relief that spread through me at the sight of my wart-less and bucktooth lacking reflection was immense." A quick tweak would be to pull the line out like this: I hobble into the adjacent bathroom with the help of a nurse holding me up by my arm. I'm not sure what I'm expecting. But an immense sense of relief spreads through me at the sight of my wart-less, bucktooth lacking reflection. (Tighter version ...removed adverb, one less tense switch, and the internal thought line is now a stand alone sentence.) 

SELF DESCRIPTION
I get this is her first glimpse of herself, so it's important to have it. I thought it might work better as a banter with the nurse instead of the information said in the narration of the storyMaybe something like this:
She saw me take in the view of myself. "Your hair is lovely, and the dark color is perfect next to your fair skin," she says to break the tension.
The smattering of freckles covering my nose, making me look pixyish. I give her a bright lopsided smile. "The cut is healing nicely. Don't ya think?
"She nods adjusting her grip on my arm. "What I wouldn't do for those lashes of yours. People pay big money to get lashes like those." She sighs. "See, I told you. You're cute.
"I look back to the mirror and stare at my big blue eyes trying to remember, something— anything. But nothing comes to mind. The tiny scar above my eye mocks me with the reminder of the hurt I can't recall.From where I stand...(continue with your original)

***The scene when you have her TELL us he brought her under would be way funnier if you SHOWED the scene. Him giving her the bag, blushing as she's opening the bag. Also the line, "He also—wait for it—brought me underwear," pulled me right from the scene. The MC was talking directly to the reader breaking the barrier.
Maybe something like this:
He hands me a Victoria Secret bag tied up with black ribbon. Is this a joke? I pull out the pink tissue and unroll the items. "You bought me underwear?"He blushes and looks at his feet. "Well, I thought if the hospital gives them away, they can't be all the comfortable.
"The double XL panties I am holding are large enough to fit four of me. "They might be a touch big, but they can't be worse—"
"Oh, there are a couple of different sizes in the bag," he says cutting me off. "Sorry, I've never bought a women underwear before." He crams his hands deeper into his pockets making him look like he wished he'd rethought the gift. 

ADVERBS
(Groans to self. I have been editing these out of my book for weeks now.) Editors, recommend writers remove adverbs from their writing. Those are all the filler words qualifying the verb in the sentence and usually, end in -ly. Why remove them? (Because we use them to add value to a weaker verb with an intent of strengthening the sentence. It's better to use a stronger verb in their place.) Renni Brown and Dave King suggest this in their book, Self-Editing for Fiction Writers.
Often when we use an adverb, we are telling a reader something vs. showing it. (So it's a great check to see where you might need to adjust a few things when writing as well.) I've highlighted a few adverbs and suggestions to consider. (If you'd like a good editing book try Reni Brown and Dave King's Self-Editing for Fiction Writers, its got great suggestions. The removal of adverbs is on their list.)Exactly - removal worked fine.Actually - I like the sentence if it started with If I'm being... (Removing it worked fine here.)
Arguably, Apparently (I'm told hastilynarrowlyfinallynormallyobviouslycheerily (was his tone? he calls in a cherry voice.)merelywordlessly (without a word and hold my breath)hesitantly savagelygruffly (in an abrupt way?)officially sold (closed the sale)grumpily (he confirms. His gruff voice, and grumpy tone...)definitely

CORRECTIONS NEEDED
I made him go home last night, feeling terrible that he feels the need to waste his time with me at all. (tense switches and extra words removed.)

He came back after my MRI when the nurse had taken me up to my room. One small victory is the reduction of brain swelling in today's latest report. 

Numbers:The general rule is to write out numbers small numbers. C.S. Lakins book, Say What? is a great reference tool for fiction writers. She has a whole page dedicated to how to properly note numbers in writing.
*so 007 you shall be." (write out "Double-O-Seven" it's also a title and should be capitalized.)*Day 2 - (write out number Two.)
*"No," I say, deadpan.ParenthesesYes, they are permissible in writing, just not the preferred. (CS Lakin's book also goes through how to properly use this piece of punctuation.
(less brain swelling again!)
One option:I'm thrilled about newest positive report—a reduction in brain swelling again.
or maybe:One small victory is the reduction of brain swelling in today's latest report. 

HAVE to MENTION

Love hearing Vancouver, Canada! Being Canadian, I feel like our beautiful country is so rarely mentioned anywhere. A nice treat here. :)

Happy writing Leah! 

 Hope you find some tips you can use this week.

Cheers,

Amber

Network with this winner: The3Dreamers

1st runner up: linahanson

2nd runner up: SamSchloesing

Final Author's Note: Well...that was equally terrifying and amazing. When I first signed up for this I didn't really know what I was getting in to and may not have picked the best chapter for this. That said, I received some critiques that I can apply across all of my writing. It'll take some time to sift through to find the ones really useful to me, but I appreciate them all just the same.

---

Author #2: KillYourDarlings7

Book Title: Black Stars

Spotlight Chapter: Prologue                   

Summary Thus Far in Book: N/A

Authors Note: Hi guys! Firstly I just want to say thank you to Dawn and all of the people involved in running NBR. Also thank you to all the NBR members who take the time to read a comment. I really appreciate it.

For my spotlight I have chosen the Prologue to Black Stars, a story I wrote several years ago and have begun rewriting this year. Three things I would like to get feedback on is:

Engagement/Hooks - As a prologue I really want this to grab the readers attention. Does the prologue do this or is it a bit too intense?

Spelling and Grammar - Are there any sentences you think could be reworded to make more sense grammatically?

Description - This chapter is meant to make the reader intrigued. Has it done this successfully or is it too vague, or alternatively, too descriptive? This chapter really walks a fine line between giving away too much information or not giving away enough so I'd really like to get feedback on whether I have achieved this.
Thanks so much for reading guys! I look forward to reading your comments :)

Genre: Action

Rating: PG-13

Winning Comment: I. ELOCUTION

a. Major Grammar Corrections~ "...heavily bared with iron rods..." - Should be "barred".~ "Her treatment improved since then." - Since you tell this in past tense, to show that this is even further in the past, there should be a "had" before "improved". Past tense is always confusing for me as well, but the way that I figure out personally whether to put in the "had" or leave it as normal past is I compare the sentence that I'm writing in past (relative to the present actions, not in tense) to how I would write it if the action were in the present. If they are the same, then the one in the past needs something extra to show that it is in the past, despite the tenses. This can apply to all other sentences in the paragraph, where you are addressing something done to her before and she's thinking back on it.~ "Eyes opened, pulse raced." - I feel like this was intended to stylistic, but the past tense interrupts it and I think it would sound better grammatically correct, with a "her" in front of "eyes".~ "Jared had gone ridged..." - I believe you meant "rigid".~ "...the regret he knew had been in his sons eyes..." - Should be possessive, or "son's".

b. Major Style Corrections~ "What do you want?" - It might be useful to have a dialogue tag here. At first I thought it was the guard speaking, not her.~ "She moved forwards..." - I noticed someone called you out on this: just wanted to say that both with the "s" and without the "s" are technically correct, though it may flow better if you changed it to without the "s"~ "...matters what we do to others, you should be more..." - This sentence would flow better and have a stronger impact if you changed the comma to a hyphen or colon.~ "The man had sat down and started..." - The words flow together a bit too awkwardly here, even though it is grammatically correct. Consider rewording it like: "The man was sitting down and had started..."

II. COMMENTARY- Question 1: Engagement/Hooks

The opening was well written and stunningly intriguing. You did an excellent job of reeling me right in. I am strongly visualizing the tension between the girl and Jared in the beginning when he grabs her, and really at every other point. Emotion was very high when they turned out the machine and she said goodbye to everyone, especially that last line "I'll see you on the other side". Even though we don't know her or her family/friends yet, you are still able to elicit sympathy to some degree, which is good. My mind is let to fill in all the microexpressions necessary to play the movie in my head, which is a subtle talent that goes unmentioned most of the time and I applaud you for (that's that balance you were talking about in Question 3 as well). Intensity is not something that ever bothered me: in fact, it makes a stellar opener in my opinion. Now if the intensity runs on for more than a couple chapters, I do start having a problem with it, but just as a first chapter/hook, it works very much in your favor. 

Question 2: Spelling/Grammar

This would probably, of all your questions, be your weakest point, but only hardly so. It's good that it is this one though, as grammar is easily learned/corrected and the others are much more subtle skills that are much more difficult to acquire. It seems your greatest trouble here is writing past tense "present speaking of a past action" sentences, and I did have a bit of information lost the first time I read through it, which is usually a sign that simple things like dialogue tags and flow need to be repaired or enhanced. Overall, these are very simple errors that are easily corrected with a good thorough proofreading. Hardly worth much sweating over on your part, as long as you do make sure to fix them.

Question 3: Description

You seem to have almost perfectly balanced the amount of information to reel one in without spoiling anything significant. The only fault I could find was that you used a lot of unfamiliar terminology, mostly names and such, and that may, in small part, detract from the mystery by adding pure confusion. I think the concept of what you have going on here and you explain it is absolute perfection: but maybe dropping less names would help keep the confusion at bay and let the reader revel in the mystery aspect instead. There's not a lot more to say on that, other than to just keep doing what you're doing. Even your actual descriptions are lovely, and you seem to be very good at conveying a lot with only a few words: a very valuable skill I'm quite envious of. XD

I'm sorry I couldn't give more real advice: in all honesty, I enjoyed this too much to find that much to critique about it. XD 

Keep up the great work!~ Nik

Network with this winner: TorissaNikole

1st runner up: linahanson

2nd runner up: The3dreamers

Final Author's Note: All of the comments I received were wonderful and extremely helpful for my writing. I found TorissaNikole's comments the most helpful however because in addition to pointing out grammar and sentence structure issues she also explained the reasons why they were incorrect. Her comment was polite and well written and I really appreciated all of her feedback. linahanson and The3dreamers also had wonderful comments! It was really hard to chose between the three of you but thank you all! :)

---

Author #3: writervid

Book Title: Night Witch

Specified Chapter: Chapter 5

Summary Thus Far in Book: Karina Hedge was best friends with Hans Pinkerton until both were eight years old and Karina's mom and Hans's dad were burned for witchcraft and Karina's dad committed suicide. Since then, Karina (who goes mute) has been taken in by Olga, the village Oracle, and her two daughters, Helga and Gertie, and become their servant. She uses her mother's doll (which she can control if she sings a song and feeds her), Lilith, to help her with her chores. Helga sees her using the doll and rats her out to the village leader, Duras, as a yaga, or a witch. At the same time, Karina accidentally causes a storm and for a bonfire to go out. Karina is locked away in a jail cell for the night until her trial in the morning. There, a farmer, Rosin, testifies that after Karina caused the storm, all the crops were ruined.

Author's Note:  I included (in italics) the ending of Chapter 4 at the top. I've had a lot of trouble creating an effective transition from the courtroom to the Forest of the Dead, and I know that this doesn't work as well as it could. So the first question is:

1) How can I improve the transition between the courtroom to the Forest of the Dead?

2) What do you think of the characters and their relationships to each other?

3) What is the thing that I need to focus the most on improving?

Thank you so much for your help!

Genre: Fantasy

Rating: PG

Winning Comment:  Hi

Congratulations on being spotlighted this week :)

Comment Topic
There are several internal and external struggles present in this chapter, and in the characters of Hans and Karina. With regard to Karina, I was rather confused by her stance on being yaga-marked. I honestly didn't understand what 'she' wanted. She seems to be quite adamant on arguing against Hans' decision to go into the forest, but then she states that she doesn't want to go back to the village either. This conflict was introduced once they had reached the banishment spot, however it was simply resolved by her following Hans to fulfill his needs to seem stronger inorder to earn his 'birthright'. This feels as if she doesn't have her own opinion on this matter and she should, being the protagonist. I wanted the decision to enter the forest to be Karina's decision or for you to show how entering the forest would benefit her or solve some of her conflicts. The external conflict displayed here was the banishment of Hans and Karina to the Forest of the Dead. Karina states on her entry to the Forest that the look of the forest made her feel "worse". I was wondering what she felt worse compared to (being ostracized maybe?). I felt as if Karina's feelings of dread were not expressed fully in this part. If she feel worse/bad about her situation, the fact that she laughs several times while in the forest makes that initial feeling less effective. If she feels cynical or feels her banishment is a joke then make this more clear. I think I would have preferred if there was some dialogue-less moments after they are alone, to add some gloomy/dreaded feeling to the forest. The fact that they ultimately conquered this external conflict I (personally) needed a little more dread in order to look forward to the rest of their journey.

1. Honestly, I feel that the end of a chapter is the end of a scene. The courtroom scene ended and then the Forest scene began and I really don't see the need for it to ebb into the new scene. I like it the way it is, but I would suggest you start Chapter 5 by describing the entrance of the forest first, so we establish the atmosphere, scene and location immediately. 

2. So I really do like Karina's relationship with Hans. I can see that they are good friends with contrasting views and opinions on being yaga marked. I like the banter between them. Helga seems to honestly hate Karina and Duras seems oddly unprofessional for a village leader. Rosin seems like he was just dragged into this situation and I was not aware of the Oracle's presence until the very end. 

3. So I'm going to name the main points that need work only :
Dialogue: There are parts in which dialogue tends to drag on and some parts in which it is interrupted by heavy narration. The conversation between Karina and Hans stretched for a while, although this can be excused. The bunky narration between the dialogue tends to pull the reader out of the conversation and into Karina's mind before then throwing us back into conversation. Try to keep narration minimal between conversation, in order to allow the reader to focus on what they have to say.
Character development: As I mentioned in the comment topic there are parts of Karina's personality that confused me. This may be due to not reading previous chapter. Other than this, the rest of the characters are quite well-rounded.Said-isms: Try to stick to "said" and "asked" in conversation and avoid dialogue tags such as "mumbled" "continued" "whispered". Using said and asked will allow the reader to know who's speaking without being drawn out of the conversation.
Additional Personally, I'm rather curious about why these four unrelated people are escorting this 'witch' and 'warlock' into the Forest of the Dead. If there was a courtroom and a trial, then this world has some kind of legal system. I find it hard to believe that a farmer, the village leader and the daughter of the Oracle [who is simply a witness] would be sent to carry out this banishment. I also find it a bit hard to keep up with the presence of so many characters. I didn't even know Rosin and the Oracle was with them until the middle of the chapter. If there are many characters it is good to introduce their presence in the beginning of the chapter. I just felt it was odd that they were all there :/ 

Sorry if this was a bit harsh. I really did enjoy reading your work. I hope you found this helpful :)

Network with this winner: BaconJargogler

1st runner up: jaedarcy

2nd runner up: CoraFoerestner

Final Author's Note: First off, thanks to and her wonderful team for founding this wonderful community and maintaining it. :)

I had completely forgotten how incredibly overwhelming it was to be spotlighted. I received so much helpful feedback that will help me not just improve this chapter or this book, but my writing as a whole. It was so, so hard to choose a winner, but in the end I chose because they were incredibly thorough in everything they covered and brought a lot of points to mind that I hadn't thought of before. Some other people who did this amazingly and really went above and beyond that aren't mentioned above are , , and . Thank you all so much for all of your help! Bye!

---

Directions:

1. Go to EACH of the Author's Profile Page and Find the Book specified by the Author.

2. Write one Comment per Author but DO NOT write it here. Write it in the Author's own Comment Section. Be sure to Answer the COMMENT TOPIC and pay attention to the Author's Note.

- (Do not Comment on here. Only comment on this page if you have questions or comments pertaining to the directions)

3. All comments must include the #NBR. If you do NOT include #NBR in your comment then your comment is DISQUALIFIED. Do this: #NBR then Comment. If you forget to hashtag, simply post another comment mentioning #NBR.

4. Comments must be 10 sentences or more - remember the Quality Comment thing?

Remember: DIPLOMACY is defined as: the art of dealing with people in a sensitive and effective way

Remember: Never judge a book by its cover.

Remember: #NBR then write the comment.

Remember: Do not give up on the chapter. The Author chose it for a reason.