Championship Round Featuring ChayAvalerias

Friday 10th - Friday 17th

NBR World News: Wonderful members of NBR, I've got some worthy news to share with you. Please offer a warm welcome to your newest NBR Moderators: swiftiegirl1010 (Grace) and mokbook (Maya).  Grace and Maya are among some of the last remaining Founding Members of NBR. When I began this contest a year ago, they were the very first participants to join the contest. They have been here from the inception of NBR and they are still here today dedicating their efforts to the movement so no great author is left behind.  Beginning round 44, they will be moderating the contest in my stead (I'll be around here and there), but they will be your main go-to Master Moderators on the NBR DawnStarling account. As of this round, they are officially Executive Co-owners of the contest. Feel free to reach out to them, follow them as they lead NBR into an even brighter future.

Comment Topic: None. This week we honor our very first Champion Reviewer chayavalerias. He won three times within one round---nearly an impossible feat, which proves he is deserving of the reward: spotlighting three of his own chosen chapters within round 43. It is hard to win a round, so as a community, it's important to respect and honor those who do win. After all, one of the best ways to learn is to learn from each other. Please give your full undivided respect by providing your best quality comments to one of our most deserving members.

- Dawn

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Author's Note:

I would like to first thank DawnStarling and the rest of the #NBR board for all the work they do to keep this community thriving! #NBR is my home on Wattpad. I am so blessed and grateful to be a part of this community.

The Demon Hunters book series started from a free writing activity I did in 2013. Ever since then, these characters and their stories kept nagging me at the back of my mind. I just had to write them down, but had other projects. In the last two weeks I have rewritten the prologue and drafted the first two chapters. In doing so, I have been inspired again by the love of writing.

These last two weeks I have also been aided by my #NBR friends Tegan1311 and Amber Boyd (the3dreamers). They have read through my drafts and helped me clean up my work so that it would be ready for #NBR reviewers. Amber even designed this incredibly amazing cover. When I saw it, my heart flipped over. (Amber, wow! Just wow!) While this round is dedicated to my work, I am dedicating a part of my heart to these wonderful individuals.

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Author: ChayAvalerias

Book Title: Demon Hunters Book 1: Faith

Specified Chapter: Prologue

Summary Thus Far in Book: God has sent watchers, a powerful set of warrior angels, to earth to track down and kill the evil ancestors of the Nephilim, who have managed to unleash demonic powers embedded deep in their blood. As the apocalypse nears, demon recruiters seek these ancestors to build a human army destined to rule the world. But when a teenage boy releases a power so strong that it literally freezes all time, an epic race ensues to learn who controls such a power. Zoe, the best watcher on the planet, is pitted against Randal, the best demon recruiter. Who will find this boy first? Who will kill him? Who will rescue him?

Author's Questions:

1. The question that all writers want to know is: Will you keep on reading (even if it wasn't an #NBR thing)? Does the prologue grab your attention?

2. The prologue was meant to be an action scene. So, I avoided lots of description. However, I wanted to suggest some of the ongoing struggle between Angels and Demons. Did you get some of those ideas here?

3. What's missing, if anything, that would make this prologue stronger?

Genre: Teen/YA Paranormal

Rating: PG

Winning Comment: I. ELOCUTION

a. Major Grammar Corrections

~ "Tonight, she wanted stealth and speed so she left her katana home." - First, it may flow better with a comma after "speed". Second, since you already are telling this in past tense, you need to word this as "Tonight, she wanted stealth and speed, so she HAD left her katana home.", to separate a past action from a present action.

~ "A small group formed, as the warrior..." - I don't think a comma is necessary there. It seems to interrupt the flow.

~ "She dived into the floor..." - "Into" often implies passing through ("into") something. In this case, she lands ON the ground (I assume), not IN it, so using "onto" or even "toward" might be more appropriate. Also, "dived" and "dove" are both correct, but "dove" actually sounds better here.

b. Major Style Corrections

~ While possibly a matter of preference, I believe that when you have a double space between paragraphs, you have no need for an indentation as well. Usually, you just have one or the other. I could be wrong, I just distinctly remember losing points on several essays for making the same mistake, and being told to choose one method or the other. (In my personal experience, when it comes to Wattpad, simple double space works best.)

~ There is a lot of parallelism, which is normally very good, but I might suggest easing up just a bit on the adverb usage. I have the same tendency, but I am coming to find that sometimes the flow suffers and intended meaning seems forced whet there is an over abundance of adverbs. (For example, noting that the door she kicks down is "sturdy" really doesn't serve the sentence any more than not having it would. If anything, it's just an extra word, meaning it would do better to be cut off. Same goes, to a slightly lesser extent, to noting that the stain on the ground is "round".) The rule I go by when I'm proofreading is for each individual sentence, if it reads just as well without the adverb, take it out. This is a bit nitpicky, but I thought it was worth mentioning.

~ "She crumbled the paper and shoved it into her pocket. Then..." - "Crumble", by definition, implies something breaking into small fragments. I believe the word "crumple" would be more appropriate in this context. Second, I feel starting a sentence with "then" right there disrupts the flow significantly, and I think recombining it with the previous sentence would work better.

II. PLOT

1) Primary Points

- MC heads into club and discreetly kills guards

- MC chases assassination target

- MC is knocked out on their trail

2) Logos: Consistency, Logicality, Understandability, and Realism

~ How could she guess the blonde guy's exact age? I'd guess the closest she could get would be "early twenties" or "twenty-something".

~ I might have liked to have seen more detail in the part where she stabbed the guards. I get that she did it quickly, but even if it wasn't a necessarily important section, a small amount of information about what that looked like could be helpful for envisioning it (for example, where she struck them, the amount of pressure used, how they fell. Any of those would help.) I did the same thing on my own story once, using brevity to amplify how quickly and easily the character incapacitated the enemy, but got this same feedback several times over, so thought I would pass it along.

~ On the note of the guards: WHY did she kill them? Unless killing them is part of her ultimate goal (say, they're willingly and knowingly from the same group that her target is), it seems both extra ruthless and extra sloppy to do it like that rather than simply knocking them out. People will freak out much more over finding them dead than finding them unconscious, and really, unless there is a VERY specific reason she kills them, it just makes less sense over all.

~ I didn't totally understand what it was that happened that caused her to black out. You described the pain, but I feel that I missed what it was that caused it. Maybe it's right in front of my nose, but maybe not. Does it have to do with the tunnel glowing red? Is she passing into territory she shouldn't (the Underworld/Hell)? I'm not totally sure.

3) Commentary

Structurally speaking, this was nearly flawless. One of the only significant suggestions I can make is to try and refrain from starting too many sentences with "and" or "then". There are many instances in which doing this is perfectly appropriate, but I noticed several where it wasn't, and consequently disrupted the flow.

For the most part, sentence type was varied, which is good, although there were a few sections where abruptly stopping sentences all immediately adjacent felt awkward. There were some run-ons as well. Consider going back with a fine-toothed comb, maybe reading it out loud to help make sure everything flows smoothly and consistently. Again, this is more on the side of being nitpicky than anything else, it's obviously a very well edited chapter.

Grammar aside, let's move to plot! You take us through the MC entering a club, avoiding drunk dancers, and preparing for an assassination. The opening paragraph is nice, with a good amount of visual description mixed with brevity for the sake of the action. All of it easing into a final sentence (for the paragraph) that makes the reader moderately curious. 'Guns? Why do they have guns? Is something about to go down?'

You introduce the MC as someone knowledgeable with more unconventional weapons, quickly laying the framework for the soon to come paranormal themes. Quickly after that, you have her quietly and mercilessly murder three of the guards. You've already implied they are from a "them", which makes us wonder what kind of organization is being dealt with. Whoever they are, either they are very evil, she is an unfeeling assassin, or some mix of both. I'm not sure if that's how you intended to present her, but she does seem rather calculated and driven to get to her target at all costs (or at least the cost of potentially "innocent" life, as we can see so far), so be aware that that's how she appears.

I feel that the letter is the first part of what cements the conflict between the races, the second being where she confirms herself as an angel and her opponent as a "demon-human". You've named the sides, and the letter establishes the conflict. In response to your question, I think you've balanced it well, being a prologue, implying the ongoing battle without drawing too much unnecessary attention to the fact of it. I can't think of any better way to do it, really.

For some reason, I had a bit of trouble both understanding and envisioning the paragraph where she opens up the tunnel, and I had to reread it a few times. The part about the tunnel becoming "fabric-like" threw me off somehow.

I did have to read over the last few paragraphs a few times, as it took a bit for what happened to actually sink in for me, but I could tell afterward that the descriptions and the action were actually pretty epic.

I've always been hesitant about prologues, but I feel you've got a good topic and that it's well written, so I didn't have too much of a problem with this one.

Imagining all this as a pre-title movie opener, this would actually be the coolest thing. I'm imagining this epic choral theatrical soundtrack as she chases them through the portals. XD it's pretty cool though, which means it's probably a good prologue.

To answer your last question, about how to make the prologue stronger... That's a hard question. It seems like you've got a very strong base, with room for embellishment, so that's good. Hm... The only thing I could think of that might specifically improve this would be what I normally would suggest for first chapters, and what may or may not apply in this case. I read a quote once that basically talked about how, in order to hook the reader in, you have to make the character want something. It can be as small as a glass of water or as large as the main point of the plot, but giving them an immediate drive is what makes the reader immediately ask "do they get it?" You've already set a great framework for that: she wants to make this kill. The way you might embellish that is to imply some sort of personal stake for her in getting this kill. Something that makes the reader want her to get it, or at least makes them very much wonder if she does. The only reason this may not apply is because this is a prologue. You may be using the prologue to hint at the setup of future events, not as an actual first chapter, which means you may want the vagueness. The suggestion also only applies if the character is good, and you actually want the reader to root for them. If not, it may be better to get them to NOT root for her off the bat, rather than passively observing her make the kill, not sure why or whether they should care if she does or not. You've got the action, the excitement, and the only way to improve would be to pique the curiosity early (which may or may not work, as I write this before I read on and don't know how your next chapter starts or if this will even be useful.)

As for your first question, would I read on, if not for NBR? I have to say no, not because of any flaw or fault on your part, but simply because of the fact that I am not a fan of paranormal. If I were, though, I would guess that my thought process would be, subconsciously along the lines of "this was well written, I'll give the next chapter a shot, but I'm going in with a good dose of skepticism for the first impression, because I have yet to have an emotional investment in this, although my curiosity is moderately piqued." Overall, excellent writing that could use minor proofreading and moderate embellishment, which pulled me in decently well and has high potential for setting up an even better next chapter. Excited to read more!

(Finally finished, lol. XD)

Network with this winner: TorissaNikole (extra congrats for winning during your first week!)

1st runner up: Mokbook

2nd runner up: Ariel_Paiement1

Final Author's Note: I would like to thank everyone for their amazing comments on this chapter. After several reads, 11/58 comments really stood out. I want to acknowledge some of these other reviewers: CoraFoerstner, Arathi1, Kates567, and GirlsCanRockToo.  Thank you for such tremendous feedback. Torissa's comment really got me to reflect on elements of the story and structure.

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Author: ChayAvalerias

Book Title: Demon Hunters Book 1: Faith

Specified Chapter: Chapter 1

Summary Thus Far in Book: (see above)

Author's Questions:

1. What I was afraid of most in Chapter 1 was striking a balance between background information, character development, and pacing. How did I do? Was there too much info hitting the reader in this chapter?

2. As a Teen/YA novel, I wanted to build up the tension early. What do you think? Is it too much too soon? Or unnatural?

3. What do you think of Zoe after this chapter?

Genre: (see above)

Rating: (see above)

Winning Comment:

Questions:

1) Balance - For me the balance was good. You dropped in bits of information, and I think after the prologue it was needed, to help form the picture. Some

of the why's.

2) Building tension - In YA/teen building the tension early is fine. I didn't strike me as being off the pacing, rather if gives the reader incentive to keep going.

3) Zoe - to me she seems slightly impulsive - killing the guards when it's now apparent it wasn't part of the mission - but also a bit childlike in her desire to please Zacharias, and of course disappointed in herself for failing. The comment about her being a 'young Angel' so in a learning curve did help form the opinion.

The chapter flowed well overall. You might think about capitalizing a few words - Nephilim, perhaps even Angels due to their importance. Maybe even come up with an interesting name for the 'human-demon' beings which might be easier than referring to human-demon as the book progresses.

There are a few sentences I might restructure - a couple paragraphs where 'she' starts several sentences :)

Good job :)

-Okay- so some more rewording suggestions- :)

She didn't care it was raining or that she'd left her leather jacket behind at the club. In fact, the raindrops soothed the lingering burns she'd suffered on her back and on her wings.

She stopped and listened to confirm she was indeed alone. She heard a cat digging through a trash can, foraging for food. The gentle hum of the electric plant off in the distance. Finally, the comings and goings of an occasional car down the lonely highway, about a mile from here.

(Does this all hit her at once or does she isolate them? Finally would imply the sounds are isolated one at a time, but if not maybe tweak this to make it clear it's all overlapping)

Zacharias knew how to find the best hideouts; he always chose seclusion. She didn't want to think about him right now or what he might say. Pausing in the middle of a dark alley between two abandoned warehouses, she skyward and closed her eyes. Her wings spread out widely, taking in each drop as she savored the rain. . She'd never descended so far into the tunnel. Only fallen angels can survive that, they told her. It leads to the demon underworld where God does not exist. An angel's worst nightmare. She gritted her teeth.

So close. So close.

She shook her wings, spraying water everywhere. The burning had subsided now.

She dragged her feet like a human, if only to prolong her return. Zacharias would be waiting for her. This would not be good. Not at all. Sighing, she folded her wings, and dropped her head. Several blocks away and she could already hear him nagging. 'Why do you always kill the bystanders? Are we murderers or angels? Isn't this the third time in a row? You have gotten too cocky.'

-so I was confused about the Angels and when they were banished etc and about the descendent/ancestor thing. So suggested rewording now it's cleared up :)

The third time. She pulled the small scrap of paper from her pocket and read those words again: You're too late. How did he do it? What did Randal know? Or was she losing her touch? They'd been fierce competitors for well over fifty years. Ever since the Archangel Gabriel recommissioned the Watchers to descend on the earth to locate and exterminate this rising breed of demon-like humans - the Cions.

Except they weren't actually demons. They were the part human descendants of the Nephalim, a race created by Angels fraternizing with human women. God, the Father, the Almighty had decreed there be no relations between humans and Angels, and one hundred Angels had broken the rule.

God, the Father, the Almighty had banished these errant Angels from Heaven. Angels who'd disobeyed him. Angels whose disobedience had created a whole new race - the Nephilim. The Nephilim had paid dearly, God, the Father, the Almighty had sent The Great Flood to destroy them. But, not all of them died.

-Zoe stopped in front of an abandoned apartment building. (maybe have her shuffle her feet or gaze up at the building to further convey her feelings?)

-and more suggested rewording-

Reordering and flipping sentences

A soft voice floated about the wind, swirling around her. Muriel. "Zoe. He knows you're here. Better come up now."

Muriel was right. Zacharias could hear her breathing and her heart beating by now.

She forced her leaden feet to ascend the dark stairway to the seventh floor. Down the hallway and to the left, she found the door of their apartment. Zacharias seemed intrigued by whole numbers lore, even though every angel-and demon for that matter-knew such numerology was a man-made invention. Angels were often amused by these human antics.

Her fingers hesitantly touched the knob. It wouldn't be locked. It never was. She opened it slowly, eking out every second before the inevitable.

-I might describe her walk through here...like - she took a few steps through the barren apartment, Zacharias wasn't much into home decor. Have her skirt the furniture or something? Weave in the details to her actions rather than just describe it.

-when she gets to the doorway -she could pause in the doorways and see her jacket, her knees quaking etc- love the comparison here to the fearful human child.

"Take a seat." His voice was barely a whisper, but the words hit her with the force of a sledgehammer.

Head bowed, Zoe tiptoed across the room and sat gingerly on the edge of the seat.

Zacharias scooped a manila folder off the desk and smacked it onto the table. A brief glance at the name and the details flooded her mind. Charlie Stankey. Psycho-killer and rapist. Cion. He'd unlocked his demon blood powers seven months ago;the ability to control electricity. It allowed him to shock his victims and render them unconscious.

Zoe peeked up at Zacharias's grim and worn face. (In this paragraph I'd reword it as well)

- Same with the paragraphs on the Cion-

He lifted the second folder and dropped this on top of the first one. Ramon Garcia. Cartel drug lord and murderer. Cion. He'd unlocked his demon blood powers four months ago. His ability? Strength. Inhuman strength.

The third folder landed with a small thud. Salvatore Luciano, Italian mafia-man. Cion. He'd unlocked his blood powers two weeks ago. Firestarter. The most common ability and the easiest element to master. The reckless fool burnt anyone and everything once he'd learned to control and focus the energy. Salvatore Lucianco's indiscriminate use had given him away.

Each time a Cion used a power, it sent out a ripple across space, a pulsing sensation that only angels and demons could feel— like a homing beacon declaring loudly; 'Come and find me!'

-reword on the paragraph where Zoe opens the box-

I'd mix in some actions, feeling, and reword to avoid staring too many sentences with 'she'

After hanging her jacket neatly in the tiny closet, she dug out the shoebox from behind the extra blankets. Slumping onto the cot in the sparsely furnished room, she sighed. It was hard enough without Zacharias laying on the guilt. And tonight everything had gone wrong. She retrieved the wrinkled and damp note from her pocket, trying to flatten it without tearing it. Flipping open the lid of the box, she bit at her lip. A small stack of paper rested there, eight in total. She picked out the most formal one-a full sheet of white stationery folder over into thirds.

- the sword battle-

Here you might want to say something like- when she emerged he stood ready with fiery red blade drawn...have Zoe draw hers- looks or body language between them egging each other into the fight. Could be really exciting :)

-when Randal leaves the sword fight-

So here again - is Randal super nonchalant here? this scene play out two very opposite ways - I would dump the speech tag and give the reader some more definitive actions. Like he gives her a bow or salute or sardonic smile -do something in character for Randal and he slips away without fan fair

Or you could make this super dramatic and maybe he lifts his hands high gripping the hilt of his blade, striking his blade into the ground, and dives into the portal :)

and my apologies if I've missed a word here and there...but gives you the ideas to work with :)

Network with this winner: @Kates567

1st runner up: the3dreamers

2nd runner up: @eacomiskey

Final Author's Note: I had a particularly difficult time deciding the rankings for this round. I asked a friend to help me with some input. Of the 51 eligible comments, 14 really stood out to me. I read these and thought deeply about them. In the end, I chose Kathy's (@Kates567) because her comments provided me the most insight into my writing. I also would like to add that Kathy sent me additional revisions of these chapters via e-mail—something that I have been known to do as well. Honestly, I never had anyone do that for me before. I know how much time it takes to craft a thorough review. So, I want to thank all the reviewers who shared your thoughts. I would like to acknowledge these reviewers as well: mokbook , Tegan1311, StephenClarkson, and swiftiegirl1010 . These were some of the others in the standout list.

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Author: ChayAvalerias

Book Title: Demon Hunters Book 1: Faith

Specified Chapter: Chapter 2

Summary Thus Far in Book: (see above)

Author's Note:

1. I attempted to keep the pace of this novel fast and let the actions drive the storyline; however, I also sought ways to develop some of the characterization of Zoe, Zacharias, Muriel, and Randal. So in a nutshell, what do you think of the characters so far?

2. I think I mentioned back in round 37 on my comments to that some of the elements of her novel Sovereign also appear a little bit in this novel. It may be that we drew on similar sources. This book attempts to build an Angel/Demon sub-world here on earth. The challenge for me was to introduce these elements in a realistic way and to embed them in the setting of the story without interfering with the action. A second challenge was to construct this world based on both research and thought on the study of Angels. [Still doing the research.] So two questions: How did I do so far with building some of the Angel/Demon world? Was it too forced? Too little or too much? What else would you like to know about the world and about Angels/Demons (and what needs to be described early or later)?

3. Any other suggestions so far about the start of the book?

Genre: (see above)

Rating: (see above)

Winning Comment: And here I go, on with my long reviews, making it possibly, an awful thing to have to read. And I apologize if I play the Devil's advocate a little too well in this particular review. I feel I have nitpicked a little too much and that perhaps I might have annoyed you or the moderators (gulps.)

Before we proceed, I'd like to clarify that this review isn't only about chapter 2, but all three chapters altogether. Benefit of hindsight and connectivity, I guess.

I'm going to follow Dwight Swain's differentiation between scenes and sequels, simply because I feel as though a necessary element has been overlooked in all three chapters. And because it helps me structure my review.

So beginning with the prologue, we'll call it a 'scene' because it has the following three parts to it - the goal (catch a descendent), the conflict (Randal gets to him first), the disaster (they all escape and Zoe nearly kills herself in the process).

In Chapter 1, the story isn't as clear cut. We should be reading what Dwight calls, the 'sequel' - where the MC or whoever was the focus of the 'scene', goes through the following - the reaction, the dilemma, and the decision. Now from what I can see, the reaction is there - but it's a partial reaction. Zoe is annoyed with herself, she doesn't want to face Zacharias, who is annoyed with how she handled the three bad men. So with Zo worried about how Za will react, the confrontation is foremost in her mind. She doesn't really spend much time dwelling on how she failed. Sure, she ponders over how Randal got there before her. But is that the only reaction? She's so far, coming off as a little narcissistic and selfish and in-part, a careless thing. Wouldn't she berate herself for failing? A passing thought of how her katana would have served her better - is that the worst she can do to herself when her standards are so high?

Usher in the other characters introduced in the chapter. There is Muriel, who seems perfectly content. And then there is Za, who brushes away the significance of this guy getting whisked away by Randal, by claiming theirs is a successful lot for saving 6 others from the demons.

So if the angels aren't truly worried, who will focus on the 'significance' of the real issue - the descendant being whisked away by the demons? Sure, they have no clue why these guys are being taken, and they have no idea what the end result will be. But if angels are fighting with demons over these descendants, their collection by the demons must be a catastrophic thing. Did I, as the reader, feel that is the consequence of Randal winning? No. If such is the case, can I feel truly immersed in a fiction that is supposed to make me feel like I am - or rather, all of humanity - is in mortal danger by seen or unseen forces? And without that feeling, do I truly feel like I'm living the novel? You do touch up on this deliberation in Chapter 2 - but by then, it's a little out of place no? Whatever demons have planned, it can never be small. And it can never be good. So by default, the angels should 'truly' be worried - with every failure.

So somewhere I think that 'urgency' of the disaster needs to come in. Even if Za doesn't blame Zo for the disaster, someone needs to rant on about it. Even if its suppositions about upcoming doomsday because the demons are getting in the way of the angel's mission, it will at least be something. The angels have to have at least some idea - correct or incorrect - about why the demons need these descendants. That potential disaster they can manifest because of these descendants needs to come out. Even if you don't want the angels guessing, maybe a pov shift is necessary? Or a chapter that shows the demons at work so that the reader sees both sides playing out even if the angels are still in the dark about this disastrous plan.

So this is one issue.

A second important part of a 'sequel', is the dilemma - a situation with no good options (and I'm quoting there). So what are the angel's choices now? Do they just let Randal get away? They give up and sit back just because he went to hell with the descendant? Does Za not order any other angel around to check on what possibilities are open for them now that this disaster has happened? They've been through this situation before, right? Twice before? So what are subsequent actions to a failed mission? Can no one else go to hell, on behalf of the angels?

So that is a second issue. The third is reaching a decision. When there are awful choices, the MC must pick the least awful one of them and as the writer, you must give them a reasonable chance to succeed with that decision.

As part of the sequel cycle, one must take stock of the situation - this although Dwight claims to be a third part of the 'sequel', I feel it's all part and parcel of the two - reaction and dilemma. Did she or anyone else take stock of the situation? Perhaps. But perhaps not enough? I feel that whole scene where she has that flashback over the 3-day fight with Randal might have ended up distracting you from letting her show her disappointment with herself over her failure. And other than a resolve to beat Randal, there is nothing else that shows 'she takes stock of the situation'.

Now what we have overlooked - entirely - in Chapter 1 is the decision. Sure we have Zoe slowly vowing that she will eventually defeat Randall. But does that end her dilemma and does that help her reach her decision? No more daggers. Only katanas. More training needed! She must be quicker! Dig out the mole - if there is one who is letting Randal know where the angels are headed next? How to circumvent the whole issue of death when one goes down those tunnels? Can it be circumvented?

So after a scene and sequel sequence, you start again with another scene. This is your chapter 2, where Zo is helping to train Mu while Za scoffs at their efforts. So yes, to answer your question, we learn more about the characters, their strengths, weaknesses, how Za is cynical and Zo is soft, and Mu is lacking in confidence. We see part of their world. But is it a magical world? Even their world, in the human plane, is still a very human world. So this sub-world the angels and demons have built on earth - it can have magical portals and overwhelming sensory output for mystical beings? Is that all?

Moving on, as is true for every scene what is the 'goal' here? Just the training? Or is the training happening because of something? See how this might have been connected to the 'sequel', if we had shown the whole - now 'we need to train for an awful event because we lost our mission' part?

This section is copied directly from the website I refer to for help with scenes and sequels.

The Goal must be specific and it must be clearly definable. The reason your POV character must have a Goal is that it makes your character proactive. Your character is not passively waiting for the universe to deal him Great Good. Your character is going after what he wants, just as your reader wishes he could do. It's a simple fact that any character who wants something desperately is an interesting character. Even if he's not nice, he's interesting. And your reader will identify with him. That's what you want as a writer.

So we have our explanation, that much of angel work involves 'waiting'. And its boring and drab. But is that sufficient to explain a character who turns inactive? You have a contradiction built into this explanation - the more successful the angels, the less work waiting for them. But we established that there's three failures. So wouldn't that mean that there is, still, work to be done?

And then further on, with Za admitting to the sheer volume of descendants unlocking powers is a ridiculously large number; So by no means, is their work done, or that they are ready to take time off.

I get what you were trying to do, slow down the emotional build up post the eventful first two chapters. And ofc, let the reader learn more about each character. And then build up the action towards the end. So perhaps a slightly different approach to the beginning to help make sense of the 'purpose' of the first half?

Another thing that struck me as odd. You're following the whole Jesus Christ, almighty God, angels and fallen angels theme here (not hinting at any religious RL issues or debates!) but then you talk about God as a him/her/them/itself. If God sent 'his' only son to earth, then God is most certainly a 'he' right?

While there are many, many good things to the chapter - and a lot of commenters have already shared that with you, which is why I won't go into it- i'm making you read enough as it is - the best for me, is that the struggle you faced with making the prologue 'tense', I cannot see that struggle towards the end of Chapter 2 :)

Network with this winner: arathi1

1st runner up: kates567

2nd runner up: RutherJake

Final Author's Note: In this round, 8 comments stood out of the 48 eligible comments, but wow! I totally struggled with the ranking here. Arathi's comments provided a thorough reading of the chapter. The irony here is that on an initial read, I didn't quite agree with her assessment and her reliance on Dwight Swain. I originally found the adherence to this formula too strict. Later, Arathi sent me the link to his article for review. After several re-reads and discussions with my friend, I saw the wisdom in her advice. Yes, Arathi, you did "nitpicked" some here; however, you also provided deep insights. I would also like to acknowledge these others reviewers for their contributions: Tegan1311, StephenClarkson, CoraFoerstner, TheAgminateMan, and the3dreamers.

Closing Author Note: I would like to thank DawnStarling, Mokbook, Swiftiegirl1010 and the other #NBR board members for all they do to keep #NBR alive and well. I am truly honored to be a member of this amazing community of writers.

I would also like to thank both the3dreamers and Tegan1311. Not only did they help me clean this draft to share with #NBR, but they each provided extensive and thoughtful reviews. Writing BFFs!! 

I am taking a small sabbatical from #NBR for 6-8 weeks. This week I travel to India for a Study Abroad program. After that, I will be traveling to Chicago and then Texas. Unfortunately, I won't be able to participate in #NBR. I'll miss this community and writing reviews. No worries. I'll be back. In the meantime, I leave you in the hands of the New Champion Reviewer Ariel_Paiement1. *all bow* She and the other amazing reviewers here will keep this community thriving! =-)

Best wishes,

Chayton Avalerias

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