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Author #1: SleepingWaffles

Book Title: Grey Beanie

Specified Chapter: Chapter 1

Summary Thus Far in Book: N/A

Author's Note: Before I even think to begin, thank you to everyone behind NBR for this opportunity. When I got the message for the spotlight, I almost had a heart attack!

Anyway, I picked my first chapter because it deserves editing. I'll gladly accept any critique you can give me.

1♥ I purposely change the tenses, however not many people understand that because of my transitions. How can I improve the transitions and overall flow of the chapter?

2♥ I am an extremely young author. Do my descriptions seem childish and is it enough to keep you enticed?

3♥ What are your thoughts on Miranda and Christina? Tell me anything regarding your thoughts on them.

Thanks to all of you in advance for the time and effort you're going to take looking into my novel.

Genre: Teen Fiction

Rating: Pg-13 Trigger Warning: Bullying and persona loss.

Winning Comment:  Comment topic - The initial sentence was a great draw, and got to the point of the chapter, then we found out how young the MC is which compels one to read further.

1) How to improve flow- I wouldn't change tenses - I see why you might feel you need to, but it ends up confusing. Instead, stay in past tense throughout. You could use Italics to show past versus present, or add indicators in your language - I stood could be I had stood, I saw her that morning - I'd seen her that morning. Subtle language changes can cue the reader. Keep your character action/dialogue together where you can. I noticed a lot of one liners- maybe structure into paragraphs-varying the lengths of the paragraphs will help with flow. Cut extra words - for example -Now that she was gone -Now she was gone- and - moving his hand past my shoulder to my chin - moved his hand to my chin. Sometimes less is more, if the sentence means the same without a word then you can safely remove it.Watch the use of the same words in a sentence or paragraph - slamming is used twice in one, left used twice in the fourth from the bottom. These break the flow.

2)Language - actually this is quite well done overall, you've written some good stuff :) I almost think you've gone too far the other way, trying to use words which are not childish and therefore end up out of context. The sentence - The vivid feeling will be incessantly sketched in my mind - do you mean she will feel it over and over? Or do you mean that the feeling will forever be etched in her memory - as in it affected her deeply? The mom careening towards home makes me think weaving wildly all over the road - maybe because she had an accident or was drunk or perhaps you mean she was rushing home? We don't know yet as this is the first chapter...maybe you do mean careening?I reuse the same sweatshirt to school - this is awkward - I wore the same sweatshirt would be cleaner.

2) cont. Her eyes widen, and under the contoured makeup I see her face noticeably pale - Her eyes widened and her face paled. (or if you want to imply heavy makeup you can, but it should be clearer - contoured makeup- not sure if that is a common phrase most readers would understand?Your MC is a teenage girl so keep her thoughts and language in character, the prose gets to complicated and flowery in spots, in my opinion.

3)Thoughts on the characters: Christina - initially seems like a bully, blaming Miranda for the affair - because I assume that's why she beating her up in the bathroom. Miranda seems self conscious and unsure of herself, lonely, missing her mother and depressed. Stressed out. This is fine as a first chapter, I can relate to her, losing your mom at 13 would be hard and it makes you feel for the MC.A couple other comments -pacing- I feel there is too much backstory in the first chapter. You might want to keep some of it back and feed it in slowly - the whole thing about the affair...its a huge motivator - if you brought the details in slowly over a few chapters it would be compelling. Same with dad being alcoholic. Weave the details into the story - deal more with her feelings over the loss of her mother and allude to things, but don't get crazy with the details quite yet. Revealing backstory should be gradual otherwise its overwhelming to a reader. Don't rush :)A good start, keep working at your writing, it's great you are taking on such a major project as writing a novel at a young age. Relax and don't worry about finding words that wow, concentrate on saying what you need to say without using extra unnecessary words. And good luck with the book :)

Network with this winner: Kates567

1st runner up: ChayAvalerias

2nd runner up: StephenClarkson

Final Author's Note:  Wow, what an experience!

Thank you for all the feedback. It was interesting to see all the different thoughts you had on my chapter. Some good, some bad, but it still helped me a lot. I feel like I have a somewhat clear idea of what I want to change within the chapter. I'd also like to say that picking a winner was extremely challenging. If you want to know the exact steps I took, just pm me. { This includes anything really. Quirky conversations and all.}I never would've realized how stressful being in the spotlight is. Maybe I'm just being insecure, but having my writing critiqued makes me skittish. Nonetheless, I'm glad you all did. It warmed my heart to see some of you enjoy it. {And I hope I at least entertained the ones who didn't} Lord, I'm just so proud to be apart of this community. ☻

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Author #2: [Wattpad Featured Author] JohnPDerby

Book Title: Gifted Souls - Shift

Specified Chapter: Chapter 1

Summary Thus Far in Book: Fifteen-year-old Bowen Janssen has a gifted soul, one that's nor caged by flesh and bone. With it, he can flit in and out of bodies, becoming anyone of his choosing. But, as he quickly learns, it's not always easy being someone else.

Author's Note: It feels fan-frickin-tabulous to stand under the limelight. *Insert classic Rick Flair "Woo"* Huge thanks to the folks at NBR who keep the lights on and the wheels spinning - the amount of recognition that this club gets speaks volumes to their hard work.

From the quality of work that I've read from past spotlit authors, as well as the articulate and incisive feedback from the group's members, I'm very vey excited to out the first few pages of my book under the magnifying glass before alls y'all. And, tbh, a bit nervous - I immediately regret my streak of brutally honest reviews and wish that I'd gone a more flattering route. JK! (Sort of) No, really, jk. My skin is as thick as crocodile hide.

Onto the questions:

1. Would you keep reading? (Please elaborate a bit as to why in either case, i.e. genre, theme, writing style, characters, etc.)

2. Even though the chapter is fairly short, were you able to get a sense of the types of people Bowen, Erin, and Marco represent?

3. Even though not a lot of the deeper elements of the book's plot are introduced, based on what you've read, what would you guess the general themes are? (I.e. love/loss, growth, etc.)

Genre: Paranormal/YA

Rating: PG

Winning Comment: Some ideas (1/4)

Hi John,

I really enjoyed reading your chapter and find your concept most intriguing. You have clear and strong prose. You set the scene well in the story and offer us a love-struck protagonist and a somewhat mysterious love interest in Erin. So, I found the technical aspects of the writing and characterization to be strong points in the chapter. However—and you saw this coming, my friend—the mechanics of the plotting, in particular the flashback scene, will need some revision. The dramatic jumping across the scenes in the narrative may be too jarring for the reader. However, I think the flashback scene may very well be the most significant part of the chapter. Here we really get to see Bowen and Erin. We see his nervous crush over her and her cool and easy-going way in their conversation. We also see that that there are some real differences between the two, and Bowen might not know her as well as he had thought. (Trust me, having been a former middle and high school teacher, this is typical for adolescent crushes. I'm sure that Rose can also share her experiences with teaching adolescents.) So, you definitely need to keep this scene, but I would suggest you integrate it into the narrative a little more smoothly. And, of course, I have some suggestions for you to consider on how to do that. The second part of the chapter, Bowen waking up into Marco's consciousness, also peaks the readers' interest. (It did mine!) That was for lack of a better word "cool." My recommendations for this chapter will change the way the reader experiences the transition between Bowen staying in his body and shifting to Marco's body. That actual transition process isn't very clear in the current chapter, but it doesn't need to be because the jump from the flashback into Marco's head makes the transition unnecessary. However, if you moved the flashback out of the way, you will need to build up this transition.

Some ideas (2/4)

Okay, here are my ideas for you to consider. (As always, I am only giving you my perspective. I'm not always right. So it's okay if you don't agree with my suggestions. You are a strong writer, and this is your work. You know what is best for it.) Alright, I am going to list these ideas down as they are a little prescriptive. (Sorry about that, but I just feel it would be easier to get what I am suggesting for the plot structure this way.)

Idea 1: Change the location of the setting for the entire chapter to be in Mr. Davies's English classroom. While I liked Mrs. Brook's lesson (I used to teach social studies), the setting ought to be in the English classroom because this is the room where Bowen had this amazing encounter with Erin.

Idea 2: Start the scene/chapter with Bowen watching Erin from a distance. He should be daydreaming about her as his crush. So, the chapter would basically begin the same way except that Marco isn't mentioned yet. He's not bothering Erin at this time.

Dilemma with idea 2: By pushing Marco's part back, you lose a little bit of the tension at the beginning of the story. To help move the reader through the initial paragraphs, I recommend two things. First, add in internal conflict. He might be upset with himself for not trying harder to talk to Erin or for avoiding her after their interview for the essay. Adding a tension like this would make Marco's later flirtation with Erin even more damaging to Bowen. Second, establish a sense of momentum by interspersing descriptions of Mr. Davie's lessons. You already do this technique with Mrs. Brooks in the current chapter. So, keep this up. Make the lesson something that the reader can identify, such as a concept that has a beginning, middle and an end (e.g., what if he's teaching the basic plot line structure or the hero's journey or something?) This way the reader already has a small sense of the sequence of events as they are about to unfold. [Just a thought.]

Some ideas (3/4)

Idea 3:Consider having Bowie keep his essay about Erin that he wrote for that assignment, along with Mr. Davies's grade and comments written in red. (You can take these comments and grade in any direction you want. They will help set the setting, foreshadow, or establish irony.) Have Bowen affectionately open his binder and pick through the pages of his essay. This will be the launch into the flashback. Please do not use asterisk to separate the flashback. Weave it in to the narrative using a scene transition. Example: __ Bowen didn't care what Mr. Davies thought. This essay was the best thing he had ever written. He traced his finger over the words "interesting." She was more than interesting. She was amazing. He felt so nervous trying to interview her during class.....__

Idea 4: Of course, now, you will need to shorten some of the flashback. Since Bowen is in the same classroom, the descriptive setup in the flashback can be cut. You might be able to start from when Bowen sees his name paired with hers on the board.

Idea 5: Use something in Mr. Davies's teaching to pull Bowen out of the flashback. Davies introduces a transition in the lesson where students can work on the assignment individually or with a partner if they choose. That's when Bowen argues with himself about standing up and asking Erin to partner with him, but Marco beats him to the punch. His emotions range from jealousy, to self-loathing, to anger.

Idea 6: Now, have Bowen wonder what they are talking about, especially as he sees them laughing.

Idea 7: Need to make a character transition for Bowen's head hop into Marco here.

Some ideas (4/4)

I think this will be a better flow of ideas.

Bonus Idea 8: What if Erin threw her essay about Bowen in the trashcan when she was trying to clean up her binder (a common practice near the end of school) and Bowen scooped it from the trash can without her knowing. What if he read what she said about him? What if he treasured her words about him?

Bonus Idea 9: Two weeks before the end of school. Any teacher knows this means one major thing: YEARBOOKS! Yes, yearbooks, the bane of a teacher's existence. What would that yearbook signing tradition look like in this chapter?

I hope these ideas gave you something to consider. I really loved your story.

best wishes,

Chay

Network with this winner: ChayAvalerias

1st runner up: CoraFoerstner

2nd runner up: AhsokaJackson

Final Author's Note: Thanks for the feedback, everyone! It's been as fun reading your feedback as it had been for me to provide feedback!

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Author #3: iamnotelise

Book Title: Bullet To The Brain

Specified Chapter: Chapter One/Mind Over Matter

Summary Thus Far in Book: N/A

Author's Note: Firstly, thank you to everyone who has already read my book- you guys got me this far and I do this all for you :) Thanks also to Dawn for running this whole operation and thanks especially to swiftiegirl1010 for giving me this opportunity! OK, so here's my questions:

1) What are your first impressions of Eeran?

2) Do the descriptions of the surroundings and the zombies etc work for you and in the context of the story?

3) How can this chapter be improved?

Genre: Horror

Rating: PG-13 (for gore and mild swearing)

Winning Comment:  Congrats on your spotlight this week. I'm glad to see an apocalypse type novel here. Although zombies have been done to death (just made myself laugh here as of course zombies are dead) your MC is alone. That makes it different. At first I thought he was running back to where a group of humans might be hiding, but by the end he was still alone and no one else was even mentioned. That is the most intriguing part to me. 

What kept me reading was your pace and the action. You start off with a strong scene, some gunfire, zombies eating people and lying in wait, etc... And a lone person making their way through all this. We don't even know what happened to him at first. Why was hevon the ground, soaking wet and covered in blood? If it was a fight with the zombies, why didn't they even move when he took off?

Although your pace is good, some of your lines are wordy. Not only does that slow those parts, it also weakens them. You don't want to dull something that's meant to be exciting. You have good descriptions, but I would like a touch more here and there. I don't really know what the zombies look like and there's not much in the way of sensory descriptions. There are a few sounds and you do mention red and grey, but there's no texture or smell. We don't know the time of day either.The end was great. Could have had a bit more tension, but still really good. The zombies copying her, like they can think on some level instead of simply being mindless creature, freaky. And definitely raises questions. But where is everyone else? Did he know the guy who was being eaten? I do hope that I'll get a chance to read more of this soon as I'd like to get some answers :)

(Numerous in-line comments excluded)

Network with this winner: Tegan1311

1st runner up: RutherJake

2nd runner up: Jenna_lives

Final Author's Note: I just want to say thanks for your feedback on my book "Bullet to the Brain"! You guys are awesome- I did not see a single comment that wasn't useful and I certainly learned a lot. I'm also glad that a few of you have taken to reading zombie books as a result- I'm already taking way more credit for that than I should :) If I haven't already commented on your review I will be doing that shortly. Thanks again for your brilliance ;)

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