Vote, this contest is created for you :)

Friday May 13 - Friday May 20

Comment Tip: Be careful how you critique. NEVER critique the writer. Critique the writers' work. They are two sides to the same coin, but they are very different.

Prompt Writing Challenge: The Prompt Writing Voting period begins tonight. Check out the entries and Vote for your favorite story! Bring tissues, we've got some tear jerkers!

Comment Topic: Our characters ought to have a bigger purpose in their lives. That is what makes them feel dimensional and real. Based on the chapter you've read, have you acquired enough detail to define the Protagonist's purpose?

Enforcers will be looking for Quality Comments.

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Author #1: rosegluckwriter

Book Title: What Remains Inside

Specified Chapter: Chapter 1 - (read to the marked cutoff point < 2800 words)

Summary Thus Far in Book: N/A

Author's Note: I am very, very interested in your emotional reactions to this story. I'd like to know when the story has you engaged, on the edge of your seat and when you are pulled out.

I am working with an editor on grammar, editing / typos and so I am not looking for that level of feedback right now—I am aware that this book needs it so I apologize and appreciate your patience and understanding.

I also love comments about the characters, incidents, or feelings about the story--as if you're talking about real people not characters. That informs my writing process because it allows me to see dimensions of my characters through someone else's perspective. It inspires me!!!

Finally, thank you so so much for helping me with my writing process. I appreciate this amazing opportunity. I am so so honored to be a part of NBR and to be spotlighted.  Dawn thank you so much for supporting my writing and spotlighting my book!!!

Genre: Nonfiction /  Memoir

Rating: PG / 13 (Heed to the Disclosure on the Spotlight chapter, but I encourage you to try reading her work if you can. Rose has been known for her ability to write incredibly powerful and emotionally gripping chapters.)

Winning Comment: The beginning of the chapter is almost entirely different from the rest of it. Starting from maybe the second sentence after the page break, it's almost as I'm reading another book.   This critique is going to seem rather odd and truncated, so I'm going to split it into two parts: 1) Diary and 2) Non Diary   1) Diary  - The dialogue and intro paragraph feel disconnected. The dialogue reads like a 3rd person due to lack of pronoun tags and descriptions, but the succeeding paragraph is rife with thoughts, and obviously tagged as first person. Even something like 'the phone feels heavy in my hand' would set up the picture better. Otherwise, there's nothing in the exchange that frames any kind of a picture.   There's no need to tell me how long the cord is. The ash can't be the length of the cigarette, unless you meant all that was left was ash. Weird allusion – Guinness Book of World records. Her eyes shouldn't become dark and fierce right before asking for mommy. The brick linoleum wouldn't melt that fast from a cigarette that was more or less all ash. It might stain, but a visible melt from a few feet away is a bit odd. --- I'm not pointing these out to nitpick. When you're trying to exhort emotional responses from readers, you can't be choppy with descriptions or provide unnecessary details. Every inconsistency dulls the edge of my reaction.   Use '' for unspoken dialogue, and "" for spoken, otherwise it's confusing.   The mental illness part is captured perfectly.   Telling us her mom walked behind her, and that she turned to face her mom doesn't make sense. She was already facing her. You can make the MC think about how she'd never turn her back to her mom or something, but you shouldn't tell us that she turns towards her mom.   You're working with an editor on grammatical syntax, so I'll leave that alone, but from what I can see, your main problem is of repetition.   Great description of the slovenly house. Screams mental illness.

"The house was a time warp" – ineffective description. Having had problems with mental health (nothing serious), I know what you're trying to do here, but it doesn't come across as informative. She feels trapped. She can't get out. Etc. Not 'time warp'.   2) Non diary.   I continued to read after your NBR marker. I'll probably read a lot more after I finish my spree of reviews/book club feedback for the week.   This book is fan effing tastic. I can't swear in comments without it getting flagged, otherwise I'd drop a million f bombs. Fan effing tastic. It's not often that I feel like I can learn how to write better from reading works on Wattpad - it's actually in fact very, very rare - but this is definitely one of them.   To properly review this book, you'd need someone who works for a reputable magazine or publisher or news outlet. But, as I have to give you feedback because it's within NBR rules that I must, I'll do what I can. I might come off as effusive or mawkish, but I'm not really trying to be.   First, your descriptions are dead on. The party scene, the transition to the park, the flow in and out of narrative. Just ridonculous. I felt like I was there. To be honest the best way I can describe why I feel so strongly about your descriptions is that I get the impression you've been there, repeatedly. It feels like I'm not 'reading', or 'watching' a show; I'm literally plugging into your brain and seeing a bit of your past, or a bit of your untamed imagination. Your writing style matches the way my mind remembers things. The details you choose to capture, short of literally showing me what everything looks like via film or mind-melding, are exactly the kind of details I'd be drawn to remembering. And they're varied. You don't JUST talk about how something looked or smelled or made her feel.  "I closed my eyes for a minute and felt a curious dizziness... I knew that enjoying the dizziness would make me throw up."

The sentence I pasted above is the best example I can think of that illustrates your seemingly effortless expertise in bringing a character to life, making her as real as you or me. Anyone who's ever gotten drunk knows what that curious dizziness feels like. Her knowing what the curious dizziness does tells us about her experience. Your choice of diction paints a pretty damned good impression of the kind of girl she is, and her mental state. I've known people like this. People who are much too young for their bodies.   You did such a good job at bringing her to life that I can't really even describe how or why. Well I can, but it'd just take forever, and tbh I don't think I need to tell you why you're doing a good job. Personally, I don't think you need critiquing on your ability to bring a character to life, or to paint realistic settings and surroundings that are so sharp and vivid I feel like I can smell and touch them myself. You're just doing a good effing job. However you're doing it, keep going. Like don't change - other than the diary entry (I wasn't a fan of it).   Your MC is so innocently eager and naively childish that I can't help but see the world from her eyes and let myself be influenced by her imprudence and vulnerable consciousness. I honestly didn't stop to remark anything after the page break.   Pace - perfect. You slow down enough for us to realize that she's going to make an awful choice, but then to relish her making it.   Character involvement - I can't stop empathizing with the MC. She's recklessly honest with her thoughts and feelings. A lot of what I read reminds me of Sylvia Plath's book, albeit hers was about someone who's had much more time to solidify their mental fortress and to become their own person. What you're doing with this teenage mind makes the character even more vulnerable, if that's possible.   The tone of the book screams mental anguish to come, and all the other things associated with teenage years.

In my raving, I forgot to address the comment topic:  I honestly don't give a flying if you see kay what her purpose is. This is mostly because from what I've read, she's not going to be in for a good time. In these cases, where a character is obviously destined for a whole lot of pain, I ignore the concept of 'purpose', as it's utterly unfair that some people were 'destined' to suffer.   What matters to me is that the MC is so full of life, and written so well that I'm just in for the ride, however tumultuous and painful it might be.   This MC is right up there in terms of garnering reader interest/empathy, next to Esther Greenwood and Holden Caulfield. -

Network with this winner: JohnPDerby

1st runner up: RutherJake

2nd runner up: Jenna_Lives

Final Author's Note: Thank you all for reading and critiquing my memoir. I felt so many of your comments came from the heart and I so much appreciate sharing my story with you. A memoir is different from fiction; it is sensitive and personal. I appreciated the tact and compassion most of you demonstrated while also offering extremely useful critique and writing advice. It took a lot for me to reveal my traumatic childhood to you and I felt in good hands as I read through your comments and suggestions for improvement. Thank you again. The NBR Spotlight is a unique and rare opportunity to showcase new work to a talented group of writers.

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Author #2: AhsokaJackson

Book Title: Shattered

Specified Chapter: Part 20/The Deal

Summary Thus Far in Book: After receiving a mysterious note hinting that her husband isn't who he seems, Maya Morales de Rouhani has searched their home and discovered multiple suspicious items, including a small collection of weapons.

The two subsequently have a confrontation, during which Dominic reveals that his role in the military contracting company he heads extends far beyond the business meetings and deal-making Maya was aware of; he's also a field operative, and specializes in taking out human threats - - by both lethal and nonlethal means. On top of finding out her husband is a killer-for-hire, Maya also finds out that there's an as-of-yet unidentified party seeking to gradually destroy his life - - rather than just taking it.

The decision is made for them to leave the house, as its security has been compromised. After briefly checking in at a hotel, the couple stops by at a local office building Dominic's company uses, where they encounter Audryn Farrow, his right-hand woman. In between what seems to be blatant flirting with Dominic on her part, Audryn informs them that a friend has asked if they'll be available to meet him in Thailand. Nick answers in the affirmative, and also lets Audryn know to back off...but not strongly enough to placate Maya, who's still ticked off.

Author's Note: Hello, all! First of all, I want to say how blessed and thankful I feel that God's given me this amazing opportunity. Secondly, I would like to thank the founders and staff at #NBR - - in particular swiftiegirl1010 for being the one who first reached out to me about the group, and both her & @DawnStarling for their help, advice, kind words, and encouragement. And thirdly, I'd like to thank my wonderful fellow #NBR members for also providing those things, as well as for taking the time this round to critique my own chapter. I also want to thank everyone else who's helped me to get to this point in the first place!

Okay, now that I'm done gushing and being emotional...(for now!)

This chapter isn't super-long, but it's meant to be a really significant  and emotional one; it represents a major milestone in Dominic & Maya's marriage. However, I feel like something's missing. I don't feel as satisfied with it as I do with some of my other chapters, and I have a few questions regarding it.

What can I do to deepen the sense of emotion and weight in this chapter? I don't feel like this chapter really has the emotional impact it's meant to.The chapter is primarily dialogue, and I don't want to put an excessive amount in, yet I feel like the conversation progresses too rapidly and suddenly - - and I feel like this is part of why it doesn't have the emotional charge I'm looking for. How can I - - assuming this is even what I need to do - - slow things down and make them more gradual without adding material that feels like filler?Does the conversation feel real and believable, especially when it comes to Maya's parts?

Thank you all again, and please know that any additional thoughts (including random or reactionary ones) and feedback you have to contribute about the chapter or rest of the book are welcome, and don't be afraid to nitpick! God bless!

Genre: Romance

Rating: PG

Winner: @ChayAvalerias

1st Runner-up: @The3dreamers

2nd Runner-up:@PawenaKaniah

Winning comment:

Quick 6 issues (1/2)

Dear Ahsoka,

Let me apologize for getting this review in near the end of the week. I had another difficult week at the office. I did have chance to give your chapter multiple reads to made intensive notes. I also skimmed through some of the comments you have already received.  Some what I will write here has already been addressed in some of the comments below, so I won't spend too much time on some of these aspects.

Okay, here's the hard part. I am going to list here six things of the chapter which could be off-putting to the reader and/or hindered the power that could be conveyed in your chapter. I list these quickly as many of these have been already mentioned by #NBR reviewers. Because I'm rushing, my comments might come across as blunt. I'm sorry if that happens. I hope you can see that I am writing from a place of support for you and your writing. My goal is to always be contribution to the author. Okay, here's the list:

1) The POV is not clear. Several #NBR reviewers have already mentioned. This is most problematic because the readers are not able to get "intimate" with the Maya; this impairs the ability of the writing to convey emotions.

2) Use of adverbs in dialogue tags. Relying on the adverbs in the dialogue tags prevents the reader from "seeing" or "hearing" the dialogue for herself. Consider this line here from Act 1 of your scene/chapter (in elevator):

Original:  There were many things Dominic could've said in response, but he kept his thoughts to himself. "Okay," he said quietly.

Revision:  Dominic might have responded in many ways, but instead his eyes cast downward to the ground. "Okay," he muttered. [See how the eyes looking down shows withdrawal and the verb "muttered" is much more forceful than "said quietly.".

In your entire chapter, I counted seven adverbs which really should be removed. (Given that the chapter is only 1440 words, seven adverbs are way too much.]

Quick 6 issues (2/2)

3) Be careful about explaining. Explaining occurs when the writer explains something that should be obvious already to the reader.  Consider this examples:

"Testing me?" she repeated in disbelief. [explaining]

"No," she interrupted. [explaining]

"It's all I'm gonna say," he corrected. [explaining]

"Okay," Maya whispered, agreeing to the terms. [explaining]

To learn more about explaining, see my review of "Toy Makers" by @butterballporkpun. You have find the review in my NBR Reviews book at this link:  https://www.wattpad.com/248257099-reviews-written-for-nbr-constructive-critiques-on

4, 5, 6) Overuse of stylistic/grammar devices. You use three grammar device which actually becomes distracting for the reader. First, the question-explanation mark (?!) is a convention that should be used rarely—or never at all—as it causes "bump" in the how the reader is supposed to interpret the statement. Most editors will tell authors to remove the explanation mark and then insert contexts, verbs, or physical actions to convey the tone.

Second, the dialogue overuses the dash. The dash indicates a cutting off of the dialogue. While it might be feasible that the two characters would interrupt each other often, as a writing convention its overuse wanes on the reader. Try using descriptions of physical actions (beats) or other cues that indicate interruption.

Third, the use of the ellipses. Here, the ellipses is used to communicate a pause in the dialogue. This chapter uses this convention too many times so that it not only affects a slow-down in the speech of the characters, but causes breaks in the reader's cognition/flow with the story. Anything that pushes the reader away from the story should be avoided.

Okay, now that is over, in the next set of posts I will offer you some suggestions on how to bolster the emotions in this chapter and add texture to the scene.

Writing Emotions (1/4)

Hi Ahsoka!
I'm back. In this section, I wanted to address your question about how to improve emotions in your writing. In my review of Elizabeth Comiskey's book "More Things in Heaven and Earth" (Round 33), I discussed the different elements involved in writing emotions. Also, in my review for @Swiftgirl1010's book "Magaia: The Sisters," I demonstrate how to make writing narration that is more intimate. (Both of these reviews I will upload to my #NBR Reviews book after I post this review tonight.) Generally speaking, here's a run-down of the main ideas:

First, there are two ways to present a narrative:  narrative distance or narrative intimate. In narrative distance, the author writes avoids getting into the feelings or thoughts of a character; whereas, in narrative intimacy the author gets into the perspective of the main character. In third person writing, narrative intimacy happens when the writer uses the words and ideas that the character would use her/himself. See this example that I made up (and am using again here):

Narrative distance:  The man pulled his revolver out and aimed it at the sheriff.

Narrative intimacy:  The man pulled out ole' trusty, the six-shooter his Pa got him for his thirteenth birthday, and pointed it at the sheriff.

See the difference?  So, the second idea of writing emotions is to get intimate with the main character.

Second, the mantra on writing emotions is:  Thinking leads to emotions; emotions lead to actions. So, to make emotions more "real" the readers needs to see some of the thoughts of the person and see the emotions "build-up."  Again, another example I wrote, but am using here again:

Writing Emotions (2/4)

Example:  She let the letter fall from her hands. How could he have been so cruel, especially after all she did for him? Didn't he know that she loved him? Love? She shook her head. Love? She balled her fingers into a tight first. "I've been so, stupid! Stupid, stupid, stupid!" she thought. "How can anyone just love me?" Her face trembled as she stared at her reflection in the mirror. She closed her eyes, feeling the tear slip down her cheek.

Comments: Can you see the build-up there?  Can you see that this sample captures narrative intimacy?  Finally, notice that there is a mixture of thoughts and small physical actions that help harness the emotion forward. These small actions are oftentimes called "beats."

Third, in a scene, especially in a dialogue scene like in this chapter, two characters often start at two different places on the emotional scale. While the writer should be focused on the emotions of just one person (via narrative intimacy) she should also be attentive to showing the emotions of the other person. Because the scene has two sets of emotions that may shift during the conversation, the author would do well to do an emotional checklist.

For example, in this chapter you have Maya's emotion and Dominic's emotions. These may be different, even at the same time, but their responses to each other ought to be compatible.  Consider this following example:

"Wait, you mean she was assessing me, like you did before?" [Maya, getting not happy.]

"Mh-hmm." [Dominic being a little rude and very indifferent.]

"Oh, okay. I get it now," she replied, immediately relaxing. [Wait! How can she go from angry to relaxing in this short of a span? This dialogue and description is not compatible.]

Writing Emotions (3/4)

So, having a checklist or at least marking down the emotions that each character feels during the dialogue in the margins would help double-check that the right emotions are being expressed and are formulated in a congruent manner to the other character.

Fourth, use action beats. Beats are small actions or gesture that help communicate feelings. Katherine Cowley describes four beats that connect readers to their characters emotionally:  internal physical sensations, external physical sensations, physical actions, and stating the emotion. I also liked her idea of using a mini-flashback.  See her writing blog here:  http://www.katherinecowley.com/blog/writing-powerful-emotion-beats-in-fiction/

Fifth, I am going to suggest using internal dialogue to help enhance the emotions in here also. Basically show us Maya's thoughts.

Okay, let's apply these five concepts to a section of your chapter. 

Original:

"Trust you?! I already tried that, and this is where It's gotten me. My whole life is falling apart right now!" [Is this anger? When life falls apart usually it is depression, anxiety, fear and/or confusion}

"Look!" He shot back fiercely. [This whole part can be removed.] "You think you're the only one with the problems here? You have no idea what I'm going through right now, what it's like to be in this position."

"You know what? [should be a pause here, try an action beat] You're right; I don't know... and I don't care." [need for a physical beat, like looking away] Maya felt a horrible chill as she said it, but she was too upset to care. [This sentence isn't detailed enough. "Too upset" is too vague.]

Writing Emotions (4/4)

Suggested revision:

She gritted her teeth and forced herself to look away. "I already trusted you, and this is where it's gotten me." Her fingers balled up into fists, and she glared at him. "My whole life is falling apart right now. Do you see what you have done?" She wanted to laugh right then, but then she also wanted to cry or scream or yell, but did nothing instead. The blood pulsed inside of her. How could she have ever trusted this man, believed me? How could she have been so damn naïve?

"You think you're the only one with the problems here?" He laughed to himself. He tightened his grip the steering wheel. "You have no idea what I'm going through right now, what it's like to be in this position." She could feel him press down on the accelerator.

He had no right to be mad; he was not the one being lied to. He wasn't the victim here. Who the hell does he think he is? A$$hole! But wait, Maya thought to herself, there I go again, letting him get to me like that again. She folded her arms and leaned back against her seat. "You know what? I don't care anymore." A horrible chill descended upon her when she admitted this. The truth of these words bore into her. "I just don't care."

Comments on revision:  First, notice the intimacy of the writing. The use of rhetoric questions demonstrate her thoughts. Also, statements like "He had no right to be mad" get at Maya's thoughts also. Second, see where we added some of Maya's internal dialogue here. [Remember thoughts lead to emotions; emotions to actions.] Speaking of actions, do you see how the action beats add to the emotions being displayed here? Finally, notice how clearly we see Maya's emotions move from the idea of trust to her feelings of distance and not caring, then to her realization about the break in her "love" for her husband.

As always, these samples are only meant to be illustrative. How you revise your work is totally up to you. 

I hope these ideas helped.

Best wishes,

Chayton

Final Authors' Note: There's so much I want to say, but the first thing would have to be...WOW!

This experience has been absolutely amazing, and I can't tell you how much your guys' help has meant to me. Heck, the first couple of comments I got had me already tearing up, and it's just grown from there.

I have to say, though, that I'm amazed anyone ever manages to pick a winner! I had figured it would be hard, but it's one thing to know or believe that, and another thing to actually experience it for yourself. It's a pretty awesome problem to have, though!

From the moment they commented, there were two people who really stood out to me and grabbed my attention with their posts: Amber Boyd (@The3dreamers) & Chayton Avalerias (@ChayAvalerias).

I could immediately tell that they would probably be two of the top contenders, and that has remained true as I've sifted and sorted through all inspiring, insightful, witty, analytical, educational, and challenging posts that people have been kind enough to offer.

By the time all the comments were in and read, I was still almost certain that it had to be either Chay or Amber. But which? Well, both offered a wealth of information on a number of fronts: word choice, POV issues, the need to flesh out the chapter with action and emotional beats, etc.

And both were able to write examples to illustrate exactly what And may I just note how simultaneously wonderful and disconcerting it is to see someone bring your characters to life like that...especially when they do a better job than you. I do have one big advantage, of course—I know my own characters better, so I can pinpoint the things that wouldn't mesh with how they are. Still, I was tempted to suggest that we go the James Patterson route: I come up with the outline, you guys write the draft, we edit & revise back and forth and then all end up rich.

And speaking of revisions, it was Amber's revision that has made me consider going a very different route with the chapter; I didn't want to eliminate Dominic's POV entirely, but most people have recommended that I stick to one, rather than trying to do both characters' points of view. Maya's seemed like the obvious choice, since most of the chapter is from her perspective already.

However, Amber had the idea to actually try it out both ways! And since Maya tends to wear her heart more on her sleeve, plus we do get more of her internal thoughts and feelings about the situation a bit later in the story, it's probably Nick whom we need to get more insight into. This isn't a firm decision, yet, but it's one that I am now considering, thanks to Amber's work.

On top of that, she had those awesome language suggestions and links, as well. Those are going to be super useful for me! And funnily enough, mon coeur, which is the pet name she used in the revision means "my heart," which makes is similar to a pet name I was already planning to have Dominic use for Maya: neshama sheli, which means "my soul."

All things considered, it was a very close competition. However, there were two (or maybe 1 & a half?) key reasons that I ended up deciding on Chay as the winner. One is that the tips he provided had a larger, more in-depth focus on some of my weakest points; I felt like learning more about how to use action beats and also create a greater sense of closeness with the characters—via narrative intimacy— were what I most needed to get a handle on.

The second thing that helped here, as well, is the fact that I was able to fully factor in the resources—his and other authors'—as I weighed the post. His other writings and the Katherine Cowley article he linked to were immediately available, and I was able to consider them as I made my decision on which post was most helpful to me. The books Amber recommended could theoretically turn out to be more useful in the long term, but I won't know until I purchase them, so they're something of a question mark to me, except for the information she directly conveyed.)

I really, really wish I could've picked you both as winners and I kept going round in circles, and finally had to enlist my friend @SapphireCatLover at the last minute (gotta love the girl; she sacrificed sleep and stayed up with me to power read through the two entries AND the associated links) but my final decision is Chay.

And then there's the runners-up. Given the fact that she almost won, Amber was an extremely easy pick for the silver crown. Choosing the bronze crown—second runner-up—was a lot more difficult, and I had quite a few contenders for that one. In the end, though, I chose Pawena Kaniah (@PawenaKaniah).

Her checklist of elements she considers when fleshing out a scene or conversation is something that I feel is going to be extremely useful to me, plus, there was an important insight she had into Maya and Dominic's relationship. Given the fact that Maya's trust in her husband has been broken, she should probably be more guarded in how she speaks to him and how much of herself and her thoughts she reveals. That point makes so much sense to me, and I think it's something I haven't been considering consistently. I've show the distrust in some scenes, but then in other scenes am less consistent. If things vary, it should be for a reason, not simply because I forgot to consider the bigger picture.

I would also like to give some shoutouts (as inspired by @consciousdreamer1) to other top commenters for especially helpful and unique tips and insights. To keep it brief, I'll just list the person and then the big thing that stood out to me. In no particular order:

@consciousdreamer1, for the insight about how people bring past baggage and arguments into their current ones

@Tegan1311, for her notes regarding the book's cover and blurb

GirlsCanRockToo, for solving some punctuation and wording issues that had been driving me nuts!

@swiftiegirl1010, for calling me out on parts where I had sacrificed realism for the sake of moving the plot along, and had made things too convenient and easy when I should've been making things more complex and adding in twists and unpredictability. I hadn't even realized the extent to which I was doing that in this chapter until you pointed it out.

And a huge thank you to all of you who took the time to offer their input. It's a lot to take in and process, but I fully intend to keep your advice in mind and work to apply it. I've been shown how far I have to go, but I've also been inspired, and given the reassurance that I have what it takes to succeed. I still have doubts and fears I'm struggling with, so that means a lot. Thanks again, and God bless! (Oh, and an additional thank-you to those who have voted for my story or added it to their reading lists or libraries!)

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Author #3 [Wattpad Featured Author/Ambassador]: h_coyle

Book Title: First Years

Specified Chapter: Chapter 1

Summary Thus Far in Book: N/A

Author's Note:

Please pick out my grammar mistakes, I am horrendous at grammar.

Is my ending to this chapter too B-movie?

Genre: Horror (no gore, blood, nudity)

Rating: PG

Winning Comment:

Hi Heather,

I hope you are having a great spotlight week!  I must admit that I found your story a little on the creepy side, but it also brought back great memories of Gizmo from Gremlins the movie! So, I actually smiled when I read this piece.  (Also, see my note down below that describes how I was quite a little gremlin myself when I was growing up as a kid! So, I got really empathetic to Lila instead of Ginger! I'm not sure that's the reaction you were expecting! LOL)

Overall, I loved the writing of your story. Many reviewers have already noted your excellent use of detail. Others noted the ending was pretty cool. I liked the ending myself. "Go, Lila! Doesn't she look so cute with those wiggly ears? And what big eyes she has and sharp teeth?"

Anyway, as I have mentioned in a recent PM I sent you, I've had a busy week. So, I'm kind of rushing my reviews. (So, sorry!)  For my review, I want to focus on a part of the flashback. My aim here is to help tighten the language of the flashback.

(Yes, I'll use some of those advanced editing strategies that I used for my last review for your work back in Round 18. Did you know, you were the first review I officially wrote for #NBR last year and the first person who picked my review for a win? Thank you! You got me instantly hooked on #NBR. Now, here we are 21 rounds later! Time flies fast!)

A second aim for my revision suggestions is to increase the tension and pace in that scene, as well as heighten the emotional turmoil and fear that Ginger might have felt during the encounter with the cute little Grem-kin.

So, let's take a look at the flashback.  After careful reading, I want to share some of my ideas to bolster the impact of the flashback on reader. First, I want to address a comment made by one of the #NBR reviewers about understanding when the flashback starts and stops. Here's my take on this. I think the transition into the flashback could be made slightly clearer. Let's take a look:

Original Transition to flash back here:

Lila [we should be focused on Ginger for the transition] had a particularly rough night [which night was it?], cutting her first set of teeth. Ginger had been up with her for the last three nights doing everything [now we are talking about three nights?] that she could to settle her young child. Elliott worked long shifts, something that he did in order for Ginger to stay home with their daughter. She loved that he did this for, for their little family and so she could never bring herself to ask for some extra help. Ginger thought it would be selfish to wake her husband who would be getting up at four in the morning, only having gotten home at eight o'clock in the evening dragging his feet though the front door to eat a cold dinner. So on the fourth night [the fourth night, got it. When was that exactly?] as Ginger swung her legs over the side of the bed to do her best to figure out what Lila could possibly want now did she pause when Elliott clutched her hand.

Comments:  Just need some minor revisions that's all.

Suggested revision:

Last night, Ginger should have been there, but she wasn't. Lila had recently began teething and needed more and more attention. Ginger hadn't really slept for days. It was all she could to settle her young child.

On the other hand, Elliott worked long shifts, something that he did in order for Ginger to stay home with their daughter. She loved that he did this for, for their little family and so she could never bring herself to ask for some extra help. Ginger thought it would be selfish to wake her husband who would be getting up at four in the morning, only having gotten home at eight o'clock in the evening dragging his feet though the front door to eat a cold dinner.

Last night, Ginger swung her legs over the side of the bed almost automatically. She stood up, but paused when Elliott clutched her hand.

Comments:  See how I divided the transition into three mini-paragraphs? The words "Last night" serves as a marker for the reader to transition into the flashback. It's used here twice on purpose to orient the reader to the flashback in the first paragraph and then back to the action of the scene in the third paragraph. Also, noticed I tightened up some of the language a little.

Comments on part 2 of the flashback: Before I get into encounter-with-gremlin-part, I wanted to mention that one of the issues for the readers is that the flashback scene is split by a moment in the present. Back in round 36, in my review for Tash's  @tenatheart) book "Learning to Survive," I recommended that she split her flashback into two parts and bring the reader back into the present. This worked well for her flashback and her flashback actually contained two distinct scenes. I don't think this strategy works as well for your flashback as your flashback centers on this one major scene (the encounter-with-gremlin). So, by placing the description of the gremlin later in the chapter, I think it actually lessens the impact of the scene. So, I am going to recommend moving some of those descriptive piece back into the first flashback.  I'll illustrate that below.  (Of course, Heather, as always, I am just sharing my perspective and thoughts. I'm not always right about everything I say. You are the author here and my role is to support you on whatever changes or approach you feel comfortable with. You know your story the best.)

Original:

She felt as [easier on the reader to use the word "like"] a new woman when she woke the next morning. She had only gotten three hours of sleep straight [I would eliminate this word] but it had been wonderful. Elliot was stirring [passive] in the bed next to her [consider ending sentence here and start a new sentence with the next phrase] as Ginger decided to sneak a peak [let's add a small action to show her waking up, like stretching] in on their little girl. It was then that everything would change. [Normally, editors frown on the use of passive voice, but here the passive voice works well as a setup.]

Suggested revisions:

She felt like a new woman when she woke the next morning. She had only gotten three hours of sleep, but it had been wonderful. Elliot stirred in the bed next her. Ginger stretched and decided to sneak a peak in on their little girl. It was then that everything would change.

Original:

Ginger cringed [why would she cringe? Isn't the baby quiet? She should assume Lila is sleeping.] as the door had creaked on its hinges opening just a crack so that she could see inside the nursery. The window was drawn and she could all but make out the slight movement in the crib. The blanket moved again [let's separate this into two sentences to draw the reader into an action sequence/series] bringing a smile to Ginger's lips. She let the door fall open and walked across the room to pick her baby. [Before she picks up her baby, let's have her notice the gnawed railing?] The she screamed. And screamed. And screamed. [I would post-pone the screaming until a little later.]

Comments:  Okay, the goal here is to setup a series of small action steps that lead up to Ginger's ultimate experience of terror. To do this, I am suggesting showing a build-up of suspense. My suggestions here are very similar to those used for writing for increased emotions. (See what I posted for @AhsokaJackson. The emotion here isn't love or anger, it's fear.)

Suggested revisions:

The door creaked on its hinges as Ginger pushed it just a crack to see inside the nursery.  The window was drawn, and she could all but make out the slight movement in the crib. The blanket moved again. She smiled at how peaceful Lila had become. Maybe Elliott was right about letting her cry herself to sleep. Had she been one of those overprotective mothers? She let the door fall open and walked across the room to the crib.

Original:

Elliot came barging into the room barely awake. His feet were bare only his boxers to keep him decent as he tried to discern what was occurring. Ginger simply continued to wail and point. [I would delete this paragraph. It interferes with the build-up.]

[Need a transition where Ginger notices the wood railing.] The wood railings were twisted and gnawed. Fresh wood pealing off and flaked in a pile on the ground. A stuffed lamb sat torn in the crib. The head lolled at an ugly angle through the opening in the wood. [Okay, now we have changed the order of the flashback, so Ginger does not expect to see the Gremlin yet, but she's confused.] Without thinking Ginger reached her hand into the enclosure and pulled out the blanket protectively.  [We'll need to alter this a little bit to fit the next description.]

Suggested revision:

As she placed her hand over its railing, she felt deep marks along its once smooth surface. Confused, she drew her hand back and inspected the crib. The wood railings were twisted and gnawed. Fresh wood had been pealed off and flaked in a pile on the ground. A stuffed lamb sat torn in the crib. Something had attacked its fabric neck, and the cotton innards littered the side of the crib. Had some kind of animal gotten in there? A rat? A moment of panic seized Ginger. Was Lila alright? She frantically reached her hand into the enclosure and pulled out the blanket. "Lila?" [The scratch marks leads Ginger to think of a rat. This is part of a build-up. Think: Oh no, not a rat. Wait, what the hell is that? OMG!]

**Time for some rearranging.**  Okay, at this stage, I would like to bring some of the description of the Gremlin here into the flashback. I am also going to employ a technique called slow-motion recording, where I used your description of detail infused with action beats to build up the intensity of the scene for the reader. Note that just about all of this writing is from your description paragraphs. Here we go:

She gasped. Something sat up in the crib and jerked and bobbed, terrifying movements. Her mouth fell open. She watched in awe, paralyzed by its gleaming eyes, which were yellow orbs with black slits as pupils. Thick, obsidian-like scales covered its hide from its pointed elongated ears down to the feet. Ginger caught flashes of herself mirrored in these scales—her jaw distorted, her eyes large and bulging. She couldn't breathe. The teeth narrow and razor sharp. Each hand had three extremities with hooked claws like that of a velociraptor. [notice here that we have two sets of actions, Ginger's and Grem-kins. Description is embedded here between the action series. Also, see how I used the word "obsidian" instead of coal, as coal is not reflective.]

The hooked clawed scraped against the wood railing, pulling away at the dark finish and exposing the raw wood underneath. It tilted its head at her, and then its tongue flicked in and out of its mouth, clicking against the pink roof as if tasting the air. [This paragraph is all about Grem-kin; the crib and the exposed wood acts as a symbolic linking for Ginger from being stunned to remembering her daughter in the next paragraph.]

Ginger stumbled backwards and gulped for breath. Her eyes darted across the crib. Where's Lila? Then she screamed. "Oh, my god!" A horrible realization reaching her as this creature ripped apart her daughter's once immaculate crib. She wailed, bring her hands to her face. "Lila! What did you do to her?" [Just like building up emotions, here we are building up terror. She stumbles, then looks for Lila. Doesn't see her. Freaks, then starts to think Grem-kin eat Lila.]

The creature's ears moved in all directions as it strained to adjust to the shrill noise of Ginger screaming. Its eyes shuttered, not the traditional up and down fashion, but vertical like the quick flash of a windshield wiper in the pouring rain. [Back to Gremkin in the paragraph. Again, we stress the action series here with description embedded. Notice the structure of the scene where we go back and forth between Ginger and Gremkin, each responding to the other.]

"Lila!" Ginger crumbled to her knees. [The emotion is real. She crumbles because she thinks she lost Lila to Gremkin's appetite.]

Then its eyes bore into her. She quivered. She could feel its desire to taste her flesh. Somehow this image was planted into her mind, a seed beckoning her to come forward. Her feet dragged against the hardwood floor closer. She felt herself reached an arm toward its extended the clawed hand. Then she felt Elliott's arms around her waist, yanking her back and waking her from the shrieking daze...[Here, the goal was to try to show Gremkin could impose on her mind and semi-control her.]

Thank goodness for Elliott! I hope this sample might give you some ideas about how to increase the emotions and horror occurring in this scene.

Best wishes,

Chayton

Network with this winner: ChayAvalerias

1st runner up: JesseSprague

2nd runner up: wrightstory

Final Author's Note:

I want to say thank you to everyone who read, even though Horror is not their thing. Honestly the grammar point outs were fantastic, and I will definitely break my paragraphs into shorter lengths. Everyone in the community is so incredibly supportive and I cannot thank DawnStarling enough for allowing me to put First Years out there. I also hope that I have not terrified you for when your little one arrives - it gets easier, or so I have been told.

At Christine_Owen made me a cover, and honestly I could not have asked for anything nicer than that!

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