~Vote~

Saturday May 7 - Saturday May 14, Midnight Central Time

Dawn shakes you by the shoulder, 'why would you not do the prompt?' 

(begins chanting) Do the prompt! Do the prompt! Do the Prompt!

Reminder: The first prompt challenge is now posted, check it out, participate, win a chance at the spotlight. Deadline to enter the challenge is May 13th. The recent submissions have been phenomenal! 

Comment Topic:  What is the most pivotal scene in the chapter? Why do you feel this way? 

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Author #1: TStedman

Book Title: Soul Breather

Specified Chapter: Chapter 1

Summary Thus Far in Book: Soul Breather is the first in a series of six books charting the lives and loves of five hybrid sisters hidden amongst mankind.

Author's Note: I'd like to know ...

1) I have a strong London voice in my writing, does it detract from your understanding of the action?

2) Tia Storm is a strong character living life on her own terms, are you drawn to her?

3) I choose to alternate POV's, in doing this do you follow the action without confusion?

Genre: Fantasy Romance

Rating: 13-PG

Winning Comment:

Setting up the "scene" (1/7)

Dear T,

I hope all has been well this week. Being spotlighted can sometimes be overwhelming, especially with how many comments you get from reviewers. Of course, I am one of the culprits who tends to write pretty long reviews. Oops. I only hope that what I write can be useful as you consider future revisions. I have two overarching ideas that I would like to make the focus of my review for your chapter this week. First, I want to draw attention to the setting in the first part of the chapter. Second, I would like to make some suggestions concerning Jay's encounter with Tia at the bar. As always, my friend, I am sharing just my opinion and/or samples of different ways to think about your writing. I admit time and time again that I often misread something or might be slightly off the mark. So, this your work and you know what is best for you. My goal is to support you and your writing as best I can in my review.

Setting up the "Scene":. Here, I use the word "scene" to mean two things. First, yes it refers to the technical term used by writing folks to discuss how a scene is constructed and launched. I will post two of my previous reviews in my "Reviews for #NBR" book where I expand on the notion of layering scenes and scene launchers.

My second use of the word "scene" refers to the "club scene" where Tia is now at. In her portion of the chapter, the readers don't really get a sense that the Blue Bell is a fancy bar—a packed one, no less. So, as Tia enters the building, it would be realistic to expect for her to see a few people or even pass some folks. In the current version of the chapter, we get some mild allusion to the crowd and to the setting (e.g., "She leant on the sides of beautiful furniture and the odd anonymous arm, saying whoops, and sorry at intervals."); however, the reader isn't given enough of the context or the setting to visualize the "club scene," or late least the hallway outside the club.

Setting up the "scene" (2/7)

Jordan Rosenfield provides various tips on who to launch a scene in this short articles of hers: (See link in chapter round) No doubt, you have an action scene here. Tia gets sick and rushes to the bathroom. That's important; however, one of the advantages of writing third person is that the narrator gets to throw in some contexts which Tia might be too preoccupied to think much about, but is definitely noticeable. Jordan offers us a few techniques on how to launch a setting opening. These include: giving reader specific visual details, using setting to set the tone, or using setting to reflect the mood/feeling of the character.

The goal behind this set of comments would be to create an opening scene in this chapter where the readers feel more immersed into the setting, right alongside of Tia. Let's try integrating some descriptions to make the "club scene" come to life a little bit more. (Okay, the hallway scene. The club part is in Jay's section, but I hope you get what I mean.)

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Original:

The sign was old fashioned. 'The Bluebell' it said simply – pale blue and gold on a polished wood background. [Okay, we get a small view of the sign, but are not sure what exactly the Bluebell is.]

This was the place. [What type of place is this?]

Goals for revision: The goal here is to bring some of the details about the Bluebell into this first paragraph to help the readers construct a mental image of the setting.

Suggested revision:

The sign was old fashioned. 'The Bluebell' it said simply – pale blue and gold on a polished wood background. She looked up at the double-doors, just able to hear the soft hum of the music seeping from the entry way. This was the place. [See how I moved from to the details embedded later down upfront here to setup the setting. I also added the music. Now the line "this was the place" starts to take on a meaning for the reader.]

Setting up the "scene" (3/7)

Original:

She skipped up the steps [action], clutching her biker jacket and helmet [this is an important detail for later], pushed through the double-sprung doors into a stylish wooden clad foyer [action] and slammed into the feeling of being hit round the head with a cricket bat [feeling]. [Notice here now the action steps are broken up by non-action phrases. This prevents the reader from following the character through and into the hallway. So, let's separate these into three parts: action sequence, description, and then feeling physically ill. Again, the goal is to make the reader feel like she is right there besides Tia.]

Suggested revisions:

She clutched her biker jacket and helmet. Then, she skipped up the steps and pushed through the doors into a stylish wooden clad foyer. [Is the sequence smooth here: clutching, skipping, pushing through?] The distant music pulsated off the walls. Down the hallway a beautiful blue and gold rug rippled like a rough sea. A few patrons lingered about the antique furniture which adorned a nearby sitting room. Others tarried among the benches that lined the wall, some talking, some laughing, some kissing. [In the sample I provided—just a sample, T, to illustrate the concept, that's all—see how these added details of the club really help the reader feel like she is there with Tia. Also, note that I separated her ill feeling into the next paragraph.] Indeed, this was the place. [This repetition is serves as more a poetic device, forcing the reader to expand her first conception of place. So, this little line really isn't need that much.]

Setting up the "scene" (4/7)

Original:

Whoa! She stopped, gripped her temples, hugged her stomach and grabbed her mouth. [These are all different actions, but communicate different kinds of illness happening all at the same time. In the suggested revision, I recommend spacing these physical sensations out to show them getting worse and worse.] Searching ahead for a place to run, the beautiful blue and gold rug in front of her undulated and rippled like a rough sea. Concentrating, she tried to centre her steps on it, fighting the overwhelming need to spew.

She had no clue of the layout of the place as she scuttled through. She leant on the sides of beautiful furniture and the odd anonymous arm, saying whoops, and sorry at intervals. [I like the action series here. Notice that after setting up the setting, the reader can now visualize Tia leaning on the furniture and on the arms of people.] She ran [this word doesn't seem to fit as it implies she has her coordination back] past the lifts on her left and the open double doors to the noisy bar on her right, until her lolloping steps took her to a door with a brass sign on the front meant to look like a woman.

"Thank God."

Goals for revision: The suggested revision seeks to accomplish three goals. First, we wanted the reader see Tia interacting with her environment/setting. Second, we wanted to show the building up of her illness. Finally, these things should occur within an action sequence that moves not only Tia but also the reader down the hallway to the bathroom.

Setting up the "scene" (5/7)

Suggested revision:

Just as her eyes adjusted to the dim light, she winced as the feeling of being hit on the head with a cricket bat overwhelmed her. Whoa! She staggered a little and gripped her temples. What's going on? [See how staggered suggests a more dazed response and works better than ran. Also, the question "What's going on?" should be italicized, allowing her confusion ring out here.]

She had no clue of the layout of the place as she scuttled through. When she swayed, she leant on the sides of the furniture or at times on the odd anonymous arm of those passing by. "Sorry," she barely uttered, letting the vertigo and nausea subside. [Notice how the vertigo/nausea comes up while tries to move down the hallway, instead all at once.] Then, she pushed past the lifts on her left and the open doors to the noisy bar on her right. Finally, her lolloping steps took her to a door with a brass sign on the front meant to look like a woman. [So, in this action sequence she scuttled, swayed, leant, utter, pushed, lollopingly(?) stepped. Each of these action steps cause a good sense of movement for the reader. Also, see how the details planted before this and described here help the setting come to life more?]

"Thank God." [Yeah, we should all do that.]

Setting up the "scene" (6/7)

Original:

Falling into the room, she was soon alone as two chattering women left. She lurched over to the sink, clasped the sides [for support] and leant over [but isn't she lurched over it now? Isn't that the same?]. She spat and heaved. Her mouth watered and her eyes streamed. What was wrong with her?... [These are just minor revisions.]

Suggested revision: [Here, just minor revisions. Almost didn't include this in the review, but figured I might as well as it ends the action sequence. So I changed slightly that second sentence really.]

Falling into the room, she was soon alone as two chattering women left. She lurched over to the sink, clasping its sides for support. Then she spat and heaved. Her mouth watered, and her eyes streamed. What was wrong with her?...

Setting up the "scene" (7/7)

Here's the sample intro. As you read, does this sample make the reader feels like she is in the setting alongside Tia.

__

The sign was old fashioned. 'The Bluebell' it said simply – pale blue and gold on a polished wood background. She looked up at the double-doors, just able to hear the soft hum of the music seeping from the entry way. This was the place.

She clutched her biker jacket and helmet. Then, she skipped up the steps and pushed through the doors into a stylish wooden clad foyer. The distant music pulsated off the walls. Down the hallway a beautiful blue and gold rug rippled like a rough sea. A few patrons lingered about the antique furniture which adorned a nearby sitting room. Others tarried among the benches that lined the wall, some talking, some laughing, some kissing. Indeed, this was the place.

Just as her eyes adjusted to the dim light, she winced as the feeling of being hit on the head with a cricket bat overwhelmed her. Whoa! She staggered a little and gripped her temples. What's going on?

She had no clue of the layout of the place as she scuttled through. When she swayed, she leant on the sides of the furniture or at times on the odd anonymous arm of those passing by. "Sorry," she barely uttered, letting the vertigo and nausea subside. Then, she pushed past the lifts on her left and the open doors to the noisy bar on her right. Finally, her lolloping steps took her to a door with a brass sign on the front meant to look like a woman.

"Thank God."

Falling into the room, she was soon alone as two chattering women left. She lurched over to the sink, clasping its sides for support. Then she spat and heaved. Her mouth watered, and her eyes streamed. What was wrong with her? Had someone spiked her drink? Wracking her brains over where she'd been that night she came up with a big fat, unlikely. This was so not like any drug she'd ever done.

Bust the Move! (1/4)

In the second part of this chapter, Jay really busts the move, baby! (Ooo-La-La!) I mean, he gets the girl to follow him into a more quiet part of the bar (I'd recommend the hallway where that furniture is) and then up to his own apartment. Not to mention that Tia doesn't even remember him at first. So, he really knows how to strut his stuff! He has some major macho-male-mojo! So, when it comes to thinking about revisions for this section, I recommend you show the reader some of his flirting.

First, let's remember a little bit about flirting. We all know that guys flirt differently than girls do. (Warning: Time for me to get all nerdy now!) As a result, some of these flirtations really need to be seen by the readers so that they can see why Tia all-of-a-sudden agrees to leaves with Jay.

Keep in mind, that researchers have identified at least 26 different flirting strategies used by men to impress women. (If you want to learn about how some men plan to "pick-up" women, just Google the "pick-up artist" website. Pretty crazy stuff there.) I list here just a few really common male flirting strategies:

--eye contact

--smiling

--adjusting appearance (smoothing out shirt or jacket, combing hair, etc.)

--moving physically closer ("closing in" if you will)

--accidental touching or light touching

--might give off examples of physical dominance (well, for the Alpha male like Jay)

--direct physical touching (Yes, guys have this touch problem. Maybe its evolutionary or something?)

Bust the Move! (2/4)

Notice that I placed these in order based on a sequence of action: spotting the girl, "closing in," engaging with the girl in both conversation and physically. In your story, you have some of these items: "closing-in," "touching," "smiling," and "physical touching." I would like to encourage you to consider adding a few more in, especially within the initial conversation. Let's play around with some of these ideas.

Original:

She was standing with her back to the far wall with two or three friends. [A man on the prowl would know exactly how many friends she has.] Her hair was honey blonde, falling down to her waist in luxurious waves. Even at a distance her beautiful tanned skin stood out in contrast. [Nice description. Also, note that most men will "undress" a women in a direction like top to bottom or bottom-up. Yeah, I know, guys can be stupid sometimes.] She wore bug-eyed shades [If Jay was interested in her, he would use the description "bug-eyed" as this is so unattractive.]– probably to cover those large unusual eyes – but they didn't detract from her one bit. [Remember, the reader doesn't know that Jay knows her yet. So I wouldn't put this description of her eyes here.]

Jay weaved his way through the crowd until he came up next to her. [Here, Jay is "closing-in."]

Suggested revision:

She leaned her back against the far wall with of three friends. Her honey blonde hair fell down to her waist in luxurious waves, and even at a distance her beautiful tanned skin stood out. He scanned her frame all down her leather jacket. She wore dark sunglasses, which only made her more mysterious despite the relative darkness of the club. [I also did some tightening of the language here. Can we see how he is setting up for major flirting here?]

Jay adjusted the lap of his suit. Jay weaved his way through the crowd until he came up right next to her. [See how we added adjustment. The phrase "right next to her" shows him dominating the space.]

Bust the Move! (3/4)

Original:

She smelled fresh like the ocean [Can Jay actually smell her in the middle of a packed club with beer and alcohol everywhere?] and looked exotic even though she was wearing beaten up jeans and boots teamed with a sheer African print top. She somehow looked [the repetition of looked distracts the reader] effortlessly sophisticated. [Have to decide: Is she exotic or sophisticated?]

Suggested revision:

She wore beaten up jeans and boots teamed with a shear African print top. Exotic, definitely. As he nudged closer, he thought he could small the ocean breeze emanating from her skin. She's still unbelievably exotic like the first time I saw her, he thought. [Notice how we plan that he knows her. This will make the later part of the conversation more realistic, plus the reader can see the implications in the dialogue.]

Original:

"Can I buy you a drink?" he said, as he leaned over [he' already close here, have Jay touch her to get her attention. Thought she would see him by now.], flashing his brilliant blue eyes and one of his affecting smiles like butter wouldn't melt. [nice smile]

She turned to look, taking him in from the floor up, [because he's close and she's against the wall, she's would already notice him before he asks about the drink] and smiled when she reached his face. "Should I know you?"

"No, not really," [Starting with "not really" is negative oriented and not flirtatious.] he replied, "but we have met." [This dialogue doesn't come off as really flirting or convincing. Intriguing a little bit, but not sure if that's enough to tempt Tia.]

Smoothly, he touched her elbow pointing her to a quieter corner of the bar, "Shall we?" [He busts the move too soon for the reader to really get that Tia will say yes. How about expanding more of the dialogue?]

Bust the Move! (4/4)

Suggested revision:

She turned to look at him, taking him from the floor up.

His palm found the small of her back, and he mouthed in her ear, "Can I buy you drink?" He flashed her his brilliant blue eyes and one of his affecting smiles like butter wouldn't melt.

She fidgeted a little, but still smiled back. "Should I know you?"

"We've met," he replied.

"Oh?" Her eyebrows rose. "Have we?"

"Yes, we have, but you may not have remembered." [Notice how this line comes across as a challenge to her to remember. He's imposing this on her, expressing dominance here.]

Amused, she studied him closely. [She accepts the challenge.]

Smoothly, he touched her elbow and point to a quieter corner of the bar, "Shall we?" [Deal closed! Bingo!]

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I really hope this sample gives you some ideas to think about when it comes to the revisions.

I really enjoyed reading your work, T. Please let me know if you have any questions or want any clarification on anything I have written here.

Network with this winner: ChayAvalerias

1st runner up: TheAgminateMan

2nd runner up: eacomiskey

Final Author's Note: 

I'd like to take this opportunity to thank Dawn for allowing me to showcase my work.

I chose Chay's comments, not only because they were the most thorough, but because they would most help me when i consider my revisions. They were also delivered kindly and in a spirit of a genuine love of reading.

The AgminateMan and eacomiskey, also gave some great pointers that i will definitely study more closely when i have time.

I would also like to say that i took something from each and every comment, and thank you all for taking the time. It was a real joy to receive votes and hear how many of you read on. Thank you for that.

Best wishes

T

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Author #2: VeilofPetals

Book Title: Hunger

Specified Chapter: Austin: Keeping Watch

Summary Thus Far in Book: Austin is on the run after kidnapping his little sister, "Pixie", the only thing he cares about and the only person he loves. His life consists of making money any way he can, staying alive, staying hidden, and taking care of the deeply traumatized 5-year-old. In a van that serves as both transportation and home, they're biding their time on the streets of Dallas, Texas until Austin's 18th birthday, when he hopes to adopt Pixie and save her from the nightmare that was both of their lives.

Then along comes Rory, an aspiring ballerina who's falling apart behind her graceful facade. She enters Austin's life by chance and gives him something new to hold onto. From completely different worlds, they complicate each other's lives, but they might just end up saving each other.

Author's Note: Thank you so much for this opportunity! NBR has completely changed my Wattpad experience! I have found so many talented authors! I love NBR so much and am so grateful for the feedback I will receive! My questions:

1. Does Austin have a strong character voice?

2. Which parts of the chapter held your attention?

3. Would you keep reading and why/why not?

Genre: Teen Fiction

Rating: PG-13

Winning Comment:

Hello, Rose, I hope you enjoy this moment in the spotlight. I can tell you from prior experience that you'll get a lot of comments and sometimes some very wordy ones! (I hear that Chayton guy sometimes goes on forever!) You'll have a lot to think of throughout the week. As a reviewer, I can only hope that I have been helpful. Now, on a more personal note, as a former English/History teacher who once taught 8th, 9th and 11th grade English (and History from grades 7-11), I feel extra motivated give you a constructive review of your work. So, here we go.

Basically, I really enjoyed reading your first chapter. It's clear that you have had lots of practice with writing (okay, I did flip through your biography and saw some of your other work). So, like others have commented, you have a clear and smooth writing style. You capture Austin's voice well here. I do have some suggestions about the writing and about the plot development. Minor Bumps/Thoughts (1/4)

I am going to go through some of the minor bumps in the writing that I encountered. I think of a "bump" as like a speed bump. When I read something that bumps me from being lost in the story, I call those parts a bump. Some of these are wording issues and some are plot/story issues. I first will acknowledge the Girl Rockers girlscanrocktoo) for their comments about your sentence structure. I have created a way to look at editing fiction that I refer to advanced editing techniques (especially concepts of tightening and using a psychology of the reader's approach). To learn more about this approach, visit my book called "Reviews for #NBR." Let's go through some of these bumps.

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Original:

Most nights I stay awake as long as I can, watching.

What am I watching? It's mostly what I'm not watching that matters. Like, right now, I'm not watching any crazy-eyed junkies approach the van or any cops for anyone who might take Pixie away.

I know that A.G. Writervid provided you with her sample for thinking about revising this introduction part. She said that the follow-up seemed to "spoil the effect." Like her, I too think you might want to change this introduction, but I have two different reasons. First, the line that reads "what I'm not watching" offers a negative example for the reader. This means that the reader will have to perform a difficult cognitive task of trying to sort out what it means "not to watch" the junkies or cops or would-be-Pixie-takers. What Austin is trying to say is that he's not paying attention when he should, but the line does not come across that clearlyMinor Bumps/Thoughts (3/4)

Plot Development Thoughts:

JohnPDerby questioned the believability of Austin's story. I can see why he finds the story a little difficult to swallow. First, I honestly don't think Austin would call himself a "kidnapper" versus a rescuer. In his mind, he's saving Pixie from Ray. Because he clearly does not associate Ray as a father, he would most likely feel that he had more of a right to Pixie (as her brother) than Ray (who was not "father-like."). His right to save her, his obligation to Pixie even at age 11, serves as his strongest motivator for the plans that he made. So, he would most likely not see himself as a kidnapper at all.

Second, this line introduces another problem with the initial plot structure. Why was Austin in foster care and Pixie not? This issue might need a tiny bit of elaboration. If Pixie was in foster care with Austin, then how could Ray have abused her so much? How could Austin be so dead set on saving her when they would have been relatively safe—even at the farm? Now, here's the kicker. If Austin was in foster care (at the farm) and Pixie wasn't, how could he have developed such a close relationship to her, especially while on the farm?

Most farms are in the rural area of a city, away from lots of apartment housing where Ray and the mother most likely lived.

Can you see why this was a bump for me? If you devise a backstory that addresses these dilemmas, then I think it will add to the credibility of your overall plotMinor Bumps/Thoughts (4/4)

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Original: Olaf! Frozen! Let's Build a Snowman! Walmart! Natural Grocery?

Thoughts: If you ever consider preparing a manuscript for publication, such as this one, please be aware that not all Trademarks can be used within a book of fiction. I'm pretty certain that Walmart and Walt Disney might have different orientations to the way you used these companies and their products. Some companies can be pretty feisty on the use of their name, products, and/or songs within a novel. Sometimes getting permission may cost big dollars. Attorney Kathryn Goldman provides an excellent discussion of using trademarks by looking at John Green's "The Fault in Our Stars." See the link here: (see link in Chapter round)

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Original: When it comes to Pixie, I'm a spineless glob of pushover.

Thoughts: I absolutely loved this line! Very endearing. =-)

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Original: 18 is the magic number because it means I'm no longer a ward of the state, which means I could adopt Pixie, which means I could actually give her a life instead of a nightmare.

Thoughts: This expression is very realistic for an adolescent. This naïve hope that he can actually adopt his sister and that would be approved by a judge or Health & Human ServicesStorycrafting (1/4)

**Warning: Chay's Boring Pontification on Writing. Feel Free to Skip!**

In "Hearts in Atlantis" by Stephen King, eleven-year-old Bobby Garfield befriends Ted Brautigan, the man who is renting a room upstairs in their house. Intrigue by the older man, Bobby discovers they share a love of reading. Mr. Brautigan explains to him that there are three kinds of books: the ones with great writing, the ones with great stories, and the ones with both of these elements. In my struggles as fiction writer, I am often brought back to this fictional exchange in King's book (a book that I ironically felt sort of flopped near the end of the first part). Regardless, Brautigan's words helped me realize the importance of storycrafting or the ability to weave a story in such a way that pulls the reader forward through each chapter, through each up-and-down of the plot structure. Those invisible threads consist of tension, theme, character, and suspense.

I have come to see writing a novel as involving the placement of distinct scenes, one after another. Here's a post I made on my wall from Wattpad on October 30th of last year:

Perhaps my greatest fear now is the pacing of the plot line. Am I still able to "move" the reader forward? Is there enough in the character development, in the tension of the story, to cause the reader to want to scroll down?...The elements of the story must unfold before the reader much like the alignment of dominoes in a complex, interconnected pattern which becomes revealed as the reader tips the first piece down with a finger, causing an eruption throughout the rest of the pieces. Each domino must be arranged to fall delicately in place so that when they all fall down, the viewer responds with a gasp of enlightenment."

When I read books like "All The Light We Cannot See" or "The Hunger Games" or "1Q84" or "Exodus" or "Before I Fall"—books that leave lasting impressions—I marvel at how these writers were able to pull it offYour question

I am pretty notorious for ignoring the author's questions, but this week I have decided to try to answer them. (Just this week! LOL)

Austin's character voice: Yes, it's strong. Well-done.

Chapter parts that held my attention: You have two overriding strengths in this chapter. The characterization of Austin and the dialogue between him and Pixie.

Keep reading? Sure, I did. =-)

I wish you the best as you continue revising this book. Please do let me know if you have any questions about any of the comments I have made.

Take care,

Chay 

Network with this winner: ChayAvalerias

1st runner up: JohnPDerby

2nd runner up: Tegan1311

Final Author's Note: Such excellent comments! I had a hard time picking the most helpful. Chay's comment was so thorough I could easily see the time and effort put into it. This sort of effort should be recognized. Thank you for all the comments! I have so many new ideas and things to work on now :)

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Author #3: Heavenlyhash333

Book Title: Prey

Specified Chapter: 4||Perish

Summary Thus Far in Book: In the land of Illaria, magic runs deep in the ground. Worthy people are given that magic, and become gods, or Mancers, and are tasked with the duty of protecting those without powers. But the Normals grew jealous, and began harvesting the magic straight from the ground to make everyone equal. This is causing the world to collapse.

Author's Note: Wow, I get to be spotlighted a second time! Extra big panda hug to Dawn for this amazing opportunity.

Now, this is my brand new book. It's also my first shot at writing Fantasy, so feel free to rip it to shreds!

Here are my questions:

1) Are you immersed into my world from the beginning?

2) What are your opinions of January?

3) Anything I can improve on?

Thanks for giving my book a shot.

Genre: Fantasy

Rating: PG

Winning Comment: 

Distinguishing voice (1/6)

Hello Gina!

I'm back! (Wait, why are you hiding? j/k) Well, in this section, I want to talk about the voice of your characters. For those Twilight fans out there, I'm apologize for what I am about to say: I absolutely hated the way that Stephanie Meyers attempted to write I Jacob's point-of-view in "Breaking Dawn." (Yes, I read the entire series. Yes, I'm a guy. Sorry, I felt that Stephanie got worse in her writing and plotting of the book. Remember that she was rushed by the publisher for the 3-book contract for Little & Brown and then had to rewrite some of her book to spread it across four books. Commercial deals versus writing! And, I'm not alone in my critique of Meyers. Perhaps Stephen King's bashing of her writing is the most famous. All that criticism, but still she made some good cash from that $$$.) Okay, back to my comments: I felt that Meyers botched these sections. The main reason is because I could not distinguish between Bella's voice and Jacob's voice from the writing.

Although I completely love your writing and your story so far, I think your story presents a little bit of a writing challenge, even for the experienced writer. Your story has four unique characters, each with their own compelling stories and perspectives. And each chapter is written in a first-person narrative from the POV of only one character at a time. And, Stephanie only inserted a few chapters from Jacob's POV. See the challenge?

But fear not! I think you have done a pretty solid job so far in making each voice distinct. But I would like to provide you some ideas and thoughts as you move forward in your writing of this book.

Distinguishing voice (2/6)

So far, we have three characters. Let's take a look at some of their narration:

Ezra:

I was raised with love and kindness; my family always pushing me down the caring route, steering me away from the darkness from which I was destined. But every smile I faked, every time I tried to lock away the fear, the tumour that was my power grew and grew, driving against the part of me that pretended to be happy. It was a relentless pain, reminding me that no matter how hard I tried to be the person my parents wanted me to be, it was impossible. Nothing could scare away the "gift" I was given.

Mare:

I have spent too much of my life hiding who I truly am. I don't have to do that anymore. And if the enemy finds my campsite and comes looking for me, I hope they find me fast. My power has been building up, coursing through my veins like a liquid fire. Sure I can use it, I can exercise my other bodies, but I ache to hurt someone. I yearn to feel all of the hearts under my skin beating in unison with my human heart.

January:

The sun continues to beat down on me, a continuous attack, and I decide to move into a back alley for refuge. As I near closer, I spot a pair of hazel eyes peeking out at me between three sacks of grain. I inch closer, slowly, and bend down to the ground, as if I were to adjust the strap of my shoe. I gently plop my newly stolen loaf of bread onto the ground, away from the mud. I let the freshly baked aroma do what no words can accomplish.

Each of these characters carry their own unique backstory and their own interpretation about their powers. While Mare embraces her power, Ezra almost hates his. January likes her power to a degree, but hides it for fear of being captured by the Enemy. However, if you removed the names from the quotes above, how would the reader know that these were three different voices?

Distinguishing voice (3/6)

This is a question that I grappled with on a story I wrote once. I kept struggling over the need to make each character distinct, but struggled with how to do this. I came up with a few strategies that worked for me. But first (and you know this is coming!), let's review a little bit more about how a writer creates voice. (Yes, it's about to happen. Wait for it. Wait for it.) So, to help us do this, I am going to refer to the book called "Finding Your Voice: How to Put Personality in Your Writing" by Les Edgerton. (*Alarm sirens* Chayton has just entered the NERD-zone! Run!)

When it comes to writing, the term "voice" can be a little hard to figure out. There are so many things that come together in the formulation of a "voice." In high school English classrooms (I was once an English/History English teacher), I think teachers would stress inserting strong characterization techniques in your writing. Here's a quick recap of characterization:

Generally, we can think of six or seven ways that a writer can develop a character:

First, through "showing" what the character: (1) thinks, (2) acts/does, (3) speaks, (4) feels, (5) looks like; (6) what others say about the character. Second, through "telling": (7) direct characterization

First-Person POV limits the characterization techniques to the showing ones and only those that the MC can observe/do: (1) acts/does, (2) speaks, (3) looks like; (4) what others say about the MC. [See my recent posts in my #NBR Reviews book on characterization. I'll add these right after I post this review.]

So, I would say that's your first strategy: Use strong characterization in each chapter. (Strategy #1)

But, that's the thing about #NBR. You learn writing strategies and advanced techniques that go far beyond what you could learn in high school or even beyond some college courses. So, while I agree with that first strategy, let's get more in-depth.

Distinguishing voice (4/6)

Edgerton defined five elements that make up a "voice" in writing. These are: tone, setting the mood, using clear vocabulary, presenting imagery, and establishing a rhythm in the writing. I will briefly discuss these here.

Tone. Tone and mood are related together. Tone refers to the emotional stance taken by the writer (or character) to the subject matter. The tone can be serious or contemplative, silly or playful, fearful or determined. In fact just read this review. Can you see my tone shift from just right after I wrote: "*Alarm Sirens* Chayton has entered the NERD-zone! Run!" to these last few paragraphs. (Yeah, I have now become NERDY. Sworry!) So, tone can shift or change in a chapter.

Mood. Mood is related to the tone. While the tone is more about the stance of the writer/character, the mood is more about how the reader is made to feel from reading the chapter. In my review of Ivy's amazing book (IVM992) "Moons Made of Muskets," I described how to set the mood by focusing on the emotions of one of the characters named Stewart.

Look at the lines here from Ezra (also quoted above):

But every smile I faked, every time I tried to lock away the fear, the tumour that was my power grew and grew, driving against the part of me that pretended to be happy. It was a relentless pain, reminding me that no matter how hard I tried to be the person my parents wanted me to be, it was impossible.

Ezra's tone reveals frustration, anger, and pain. He also struggles with feelings of being a disappointment to his parents. The tone is very clear here and its sets up the mood. His chapter conveys a mood of desperation, of feeling trapped, and self-loathing.

So, you are doing tone and mood very well here. Let's call this strategy #2.

Distinguishing voice (5/6)

Now, here's the problem with just relying on tone and mood. Oftentimes, different characters will feel the same way about the circumstances they are in and will, thus, express similar tones and set up similar moods in their sections. This makes it hard for the reader to distinguish their voice from those of other characters. The next three component will help with this part.

Vocabulary: In this book, Edgerton writes about vocabulary as the word choice that the writers use. His focus was on how clear the writer can communicate. For example, one of his creative writing students word the sentence "A scream tore from her throat." He commented that this sentence was too clichéd. So, the student rewrote it to "A scream spewed out of her throat." Edgerton felt that the word was way over the top and didn't conjure up the right image. Finally, the student just wrote: "She screamed." This final sentence was the best of the three.

So, while I agree with Edgerton here about using clear vocabulary to communicate a voice, in your story you will want to take this in a different direction. Simply put, give each of your character a set of distinct vocabulary that only she or he uses. Consider the following:

Ezra: She screamed in agony.

Mare: She howled against the pain like a wounded animal.

January: She wailed, annoyingly. [Okay, I'm not sure if Jan would think that, but I wanted to make her snarky there!]

Imagery: The next element involves not only what the character sees or the writer describes, but also how the character/writer uses figurative language. For example, a teenage boy might notice all these physical aspects the female characters he meets and these images come out in his descriptions. While another character would notice the same scene very differently.

Let's combine these concepts together (vocabulary + imagery) to create our Strategy #3: Give each character a unique set of writing vocabulary and "writing quirks."

Distinguishing voice (6/6)

To me a writing quirk would entail how the character expresses her/himself in writing. Here are my notes from a story I was writing a few years about that alternated between two high school characters who were best friends, but trying to cross that line between friends to girl/boyfriend.

Ally:

Character Quirks:

Practical

Caring

Head-strong

Clever

Competitive

Writing quirks:

Uses lots of similes/metaphors

Often uses internal dialogue and reflective thinking

Expresses guilt through her writing (especially when she thinks she tried her Zayne)

Pays attention to social cues/describes these

Zayne

Character quirks:

Loves Ally

Caring

Stubborn

Competitive

Afraid to express his true feelings

Highly protective of Ally

Writing quirks:

Uses short and plain description

Often reflects on his feelings for Ally

Expresses a stubborn determination

Remembers a lot of their past relationship (Ally & him grew up as neighbors)

So, when I wrote each of their chapters, I tried to express not only their different characterization, but also their each unique writing quirk. (Read Rick Yancey's "The Fifth Wave," he's pretty good at this. Way better than Stephanie Meyer was.)

Rhythm: Rhythm refer to the pace or the speed of the chapter. Edgerton gives use a simple formula:

1) Use short sentences to speed up the pace.

2) Use long sentences to slow it down.

Some characters live life at a different pace. Even in the same setting, one character might respond to the setting with a faster sense of pace or urgency, while the other might be calm or laid back. So strategy #4: Vary the pace for the characters.

Here's a quick recap on distinguishing character voices:

Strategy 1: Use strong characterization techniques

Strategy 2: Set up a strong sense of mood and tone.

Strategy 3: Give the characters their own vocabulary and writing quirks

Strategy 4: Vary the pace for one or more characters.

I hope these ideas help as you continue on your novel.

Network with this winner: ChayAvalerias

1st runner up: ariel_paiement1

2nd runner up: deboracrat

Final Author's Note: Wow! What a breathtaking week. I was completely blown away by the amount of amazing feedback I received. It was truly an amazing, educational experience.

I chose the winner and runner ups because not only did they provide the feedback I asked for, they showed me things and aspects of my story that I had never even thought of before. Kudos to them!

And a giant thank-you to everyone to commented, Dawn, and the Board. It truly means a lot.

I love you NBR!

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Round close: 5/18/2016