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Prompt Writing Challenge #1 is Live! 

Comment Topic: Characters in a novel never just talk. Good dialogue has a purpose and escalates toward something. If dialogue stays neutral and flat, it feels empty. Is the authors' dialogue escalating toward a purpose? Be specific when supporting your answer.

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Author #1: The_Soccer_Thief

Book Title: Bruises and Beautifying

Specified Chapter: Chapter 1

Summary Thus Far in Book: N/A

Author's Note: First a special thanks to Dawn for creating this program! And second a huge thanks to all the NBR members who help my story. This is my first ever story published onto Wattpad so I realize that there may be mistakes I need to get to! I appreciate every single comment and suggestion to help make it better! My questions are:

1. What are your thoughts on the chapter overall? Is it a good way to start the book?

2. What is your opinion on the characters mentioned?

3. Does it make you want to continue reading?

Genre: Teen Fiction

Rating: PG

Winning Comment: Well... This isn't too bad. I can't say it particularly grabbed my attention, but it wasn't really boring either. You do have a neat idea in that you chose a female lead for a sports based story. I haven't really seen that much, but I'm not a big fan of sports or of this genre, so I might not be the best person to ask about originality of your story.... Anyway, let's get into the critique, shall we?

Answering Your Questions:

1. Thoughts on the chapter:

As I said, it's an okay start. It isn't terribly riveting, but that may be because I don't really read this genre or care about sports, so I don't connect to the MC. Grammar is something of an issue, at least in so far as tense and wording go. But I'll get into that toward the end of the critique. In general, I felt the chapter was okay. I came out of reading it with an indifferent feeling: I neither loved nor hated it. I don't feel I wasted my time reading, but I don't particularly feel the time was well-spent either.

2. Opinions on characters:

Dahlia:

She's nice. I haven't seen much of her, but she seems like the stereotypical best friend: always supportive and fashionable. If you flesh her out more in coming chapters, she'll be a good character.

Hadley:

Meh... Not to be mean, but she falls flat for me. I don't care much about sports, though I didn't mind playing baseball and soccer when I was a kid. As such, I have no way of relating to her because the only thing she seems to care about is soccer. She's just so 1 dimensional... Really, she needs more personality and something that matters beyond one friend and soccer. I really don't understand her or her motivations, and that's not good. I should be getting a little of an idea here, but I have nothing...

Beverly:

Stereotypical jerk/cheerleader sort. Enough said there! :)

Answering Your Questions (cont.):

3. Continuing On:

Sorry, but I really don't want to read on. It doesn't catch my interest at all. As I said earlier, I don't connect with your MC, and I don't understand her motives. I really don't know what the story's going to be about either, and as an introductory chapter, this just doesn't do it. It falls short of being horrible, which is good, but it falls very short of being interesting too... A big part of this is simply the fact that the MC is flat, and I'm not interested in sports. You can change the first one but not the other. So focus on fleshing out the MC and don't worry about the fact that this isn't my type of book. Plenty of readers who like the subject matter will enjoy it if you fix the flatness of your characters.

4. NBR's topic of the week:

Dialogue isn't too bad. It does, for the most part, serve a purpose, though at points it seems a little pointless... But the whole chapter failed to really set up the story line and characters, so the dialogue also tends to be aimless. Taking a look at dialogue on its own, however, it fits fine with the chapter and doesn't go off on long tangents for no reason. So I'd leave it mostly as is beyond some editing for grammar and wording.

Now... For everyone's favorite part of my type of critique. Grammar. (It's actually most people's worst nightmare from what I've gathered, but it is necessary, so here we go...)

"Who led her team to victory and (qualified) them to (play in) the championship game."

Suggested edit for wording.

"Streamers of all sorts of colors were parading over the olive green locker (comma) and many mini posters with soccer pictures of myself were plastered above it."

"Off the field, once it came to (the) actual school part, well (comma) that was an entirely different story."

Grammar continued:

"I heard the soft (clomps) of her wedges striking the vinyl floors (comma) and I spun on my heels to (watch) her strut down the hallway, her best friend tagging along like a lost puppy without a clue in the world."

"She looked menacing to some (no comma) with her tall figure, (long) flaming red hair, and (blue or green? Pick one...) eyes.

Just say long hair. The additional detail that it's at the middle of her back is unnecessary in this instance. Secondly, either she has mismatched eyes or she has either blue or green. If it's the first one, you need to make it more obvious.

"Wherever she (was), she always (seemed to have) a permanent glare on her face, even with her best friend."

A suggested edit for wording.

"She scores three goals (comma) and suddenly everyone loves her?"

"Just wait until she sees how my locker looks."

Italicize if this is internal thought. If it isn't, change the tense so that it matches with the rest of the chapter.

"(W-what) is this trash?" she stuttered, just as I (had) expected her to (delete act)."

You don't need three w's to make it clear that she's stuttering. You also shouldn't be using a question mark and an exclamation mark on top of each other. She's asking a question, so use just a question mark. What you have is acceptable for comic books and manga, but it is not acceptable punctuation for a novel.

"Beverly (halted) in front of my highly decorated locker, her wannabe friend crashing into her."

Delete "to a stop". It's unnecessary since that's exactly what halted means anyway.

"I don't know who you think you are (no comma) (delete just) waltzing in here like you own the place."

"Okay (Comma) seriously, are we fighting over a bunch of streamers and posters made by other people?" I (asked) (in exasperation).

In exasperation is just a suggestion, but I think it'd flow better than exasperatedly does.

"You need to stop thinking about yourself (comma) and think about the team instead."

Grammar (Still):

"She narrowed her eyes at me (when I used) the nickname she('d) always hated, huffed, and stalked away, her puppy dog following close behind."

This is a suggested rewording to improve flow, but the last note is a grammar fix. You changed tenses.

"I (didn't) even remember how our hatred for each other started."

Tense changes again.

"I shoved (the books I needed) for the morning into my backpack, trying to wipe (delete away) the encounter with Beverly from my mind."

"Dahilia Louise (had been) my best friend since the Soccer Star Camp. I (remembered) how I (had been) put into an unfamiliar group, away from all my other friends who were (comma) oddly enough (comma) put together. We (had needed) partners to practice our passing skills, so being the bold person I (was), I (had) walked right up to Dahlia and asked if she wanted to be partners."

When you're recounting an event that's in the past but you're writing in past tense already, you need to switch to perfect past tense. So instead of "was playing", it becomes "had been playing."

"She (had) immediately loosened up and relaxed, eagerly saying yes. I (had noticed) she (had been) unfamiliar with the group we (had been) put in too."

"After that, everything clicked (comma) and we became super close."

"Personally (comma) I (didn't) think we could survive without one another."

"Years later, she distanced herself from soccer and decided to try gymnastics, which she now (excelled) at."

"She pushed (delete away) a strand of (delete her) wavy dark brown hair out of her eyes and adjusted her stylish rose-colored headband."

"Although some (said) (we were) like Siamese twins, (we were) the complete opposite."

"(I'd) seen her walk-in closet, and it was stuffed with cute dresses, skirts, blouses, flats, sandals, and more."

"You spend too much time on the field instead of (on) how you look."

"I'm at the peak of my success in soccer (semi-colon not comma) I need to concentrate on that!"

Grammar (cont.):

"Alright (period)" Dahlia sighed, giving up on convincing me.

I don't know about you, but I don't think I can sigh words. I'm either sighing or talking. So that technically makes "Dahlia sighed" an action tag. This one's up to you on whether you want to change it though; I've used it as a dialogue tag too without thinking because it's relatively common to see it used that way. Nonetheless, it really doesn't make sense to use it as a dialogue tag if you think about it.

"(I could think about those things) later in my life."

Suggested rewording for flow.

"... you've become quite the star," Dahlia stated (no comma) (as) both of us (entered) the science lab and (headed) toward our seats in the back.

Suggested edit for improving flow.

"Thanks (period)" I smiled, giggling a little at the dig at Beverly.

"There was homework?"

Delete the exclamation mark.

And that's it for grammar! Overall, not too bad. As I said before, the chapter's not poorly written... To sum up what you should work on:

* Make the MC less one dimensional. Make her motivations clearer and give her something to care about beyond soccer and one friend.

*Clarify the chapter. Make sure it has an actual point to it and that it teaches the reader something important or furthers the story. Use it to introduce us to most of the main players in the story and their motivations/desires.

* Work on wording and grammar. You're a little weak in those areas.

* Make sure not to change tenses when you're not supposed to.

* Edit dialogue to make sure it both fits with the chapter and is important to the story. Don't just throw in conversations to throw them in. Make every bit of your dialogue work for you and the reader to show us important things about the character or your story.

And that pretty much wraps it up in a nutshell for you! Just keep writing and practicing; you'll get there. If you have questions, feel free to ask! Otherwise, good job and good luck!

Network with this winner: ariel_paiement1

1st runner up:RutherJake

2nd runner up: eacomiskey

Final Author's Note: I can't thank each and every one of you enough for the insightful words everyone brought. All of you shared valuable grammar help (I know what a grammar tag is now, guys!) and suggestions for the plot which will help me when I rewrite this book. I will be fixing the cliche Beverly (oh Beverly) and a little bit of the other characters as well as stop rambling in dialogue and hopefully provide more show instead of tell. ariel_paiement gave me such good insight about how to make my characters more 3D which will help me a lot, RutherJake helped me with some dialogue and overall feelings that came as he read which helped me understand what first time readers might think, and eacomiskey helped me so much with grammar and other comments about the plot. But everyone made really good critiques that I will be using in the future. Thank you so much to everyone once again!

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Author #2: deboracrat

Book Title: Sovereign

Specified Chapter: Chapter Three (Yacht Party)

Summary Thus Far in Book: As tensions rise between Heaven and Hell, fallen angel Jael plays both sides. She serves as a lieutenant in Satan's army and as a spy for the Archangel Gabriel - lately she's found herself reporting to him regarding the demons escaping onto the human plane. Her regular work, though, is as a Guide, transporting the souls of the deceased to Judgment; but when she decides to skip an assignment in favor of a yacht party, her work comes to her.

Author's Note: I really appreciate the opportunity to be spotlighted and reviewed by you all! Thanks, Dawn! My questions regarding this chapter are -

1) What are your impressions of the characters, primarily Jael and Gabriel?

2) Is the action in this part of the chapter easy enough to follow?

3) Does this excerpt intrigue you enough to read further?

Genre: Paranormal

Rating: PG - No ghouls or goblins :)

Winning Comment: Whoo, claps hands. This chapter was a fun read! Cool story! I can't wait to read to see where you go with this. GirlsCanRockToo mentioned one of my favorite books in too (Fallen), so good. ...and I can see how your book has some similar themes.

Dialogue is quite good. (I would love to see more of it in places.) This is an area of strength for you. Well developed and natural feeling. Bravo.

The impression of the characters? LOVED Gabriel. He totally stole this chapter with his delicious evilness. Jael, I felt could I liked, but could have gotten more of her personality in this chapter, if there were more dialogue lines and internal thoughts as to what was going on in the scene. Azreal, I felt I didn't fully get his character yet. He's obviously is the good guy here...but Gabriel stole the show. (I've left some suggestions below.)

Fight scene:

Yes, it's no secret I love fight scenes. (Background in martial arts, so I love looking at what people come up with.) This line seems to be out of sequence to how the action might take place in the scene:

"Gabriel dodged the attack by moving his head and neck - which was what the creature had been aiming for - at the very last moment."

(I think you mean, the creature attacked, then at the very last moment Gabriel dodged out of the way.) Here's a quick revision to consider:

The creature lunged aiming for Gabriel's head—almost at impact—Gabe weaved under its claws dodging its grip.

Best to keep the pace quick in a fight, shorter sentence structure will help with that. Also, focus on the reaction of characters have to things going on in the scene. The line: "Then he moved backwards a few steps, so light on his feet that it might have been a dance, which forced the creature to jump from behind the bar," is a long one. Also, the dancing part showing practice could be tweaked a touch. Maybe something like this?

Then he jumped backward out of the creature's reach. The thing growled, and hopped the bar in a long, wide, unnatural arc. When it landed in front of Gabriel, it was ready to sink its teeth into him. Gabe reacted like he'd done for a millennia—grabbing the blade strapped to his arm.

ADVERBS

(Groans to self. I have to edit these out of my book too.) Editors, recommend writers remove adverbs from their writing. Those are all the filler words qualifying the verb in the sentence and usually end in -ly. Why remove them? Because we use them to add value to a weaker verb with an intent of strengthening the sentence. It's better to use a stronger verb in their place. (Renni Brown and Dave King suggest this in their book, Self-Editing for Fiction Writers.)

Often when we use an adverb, we are telling a reader something vs. showing it. (So it's a great check to see where you might need to adjust a few things when writing as well.) I've highlighted a few adverbs and suggestions to consider.

*Par 1. Unfortunately, (here we are being told Jael's feeling. Maybe Jael's internal thought could help give the details of the party here in this paragraph. Then "nicely" dressed could be described as flowered cocktail dresses and tailored jackets. (r however Jael sees it...) Maybe something like this?

She should have asked, she thought, scanning the crowded deck of flowered cocktail dress and tailored jackets. Underdressed, she groaned. How was she supposed to know it was that kind of a party, after all—it was being held during the day.

*Awkwardly to the right. ("to face him." might be an alternative to consider here.)

*Jael smiled darkly. (maybe: grinned, smirked, cross arms and raised an eyebrow.)

* Here are a few more: finally, amiably, closely, feebly, completely, Additionally, fervently, visibly, really, perfectly

Show and Tell.

RUE (Resist the Urge to Explain). I loved the explanation of this in Brown and King's book. But for the most part, this is the commentary they put in the columns of books they edit when authors tell vs. show things. Here are a few suggestions for your chapter.

*There was something untoward happening on the boat — (What was it, the silence, they way people acted, a feeling she got?) Maybe something like this: Her wings itched like something was untoward or was about to happen—and her so-called date seemed oblivious to it. (Also eliminated an adverb here.)

*She was wearing a black dress that accentuated her curves nicely, but did not show off too much otherwise. (Again we are told what she's wearing. If this line was moved into Jael's thoughts, then it changes to showing us the action.) Here's a possibility: She smoothed black fabric down over her curves when a breeze caught the edge of her skirt.

*Of course, Azrael had to explain how he had met Meaghan... (This might flow better as a quick interaction between the two in dialogue. Then it would eliminate the tell in the paragraph.) Possibly:

"How'd I meet Meaghan?" Azarel repeated, throwing an arm over Jael's shoulder. "Oh, at a local place I frequent. She couldn't take her eyes off me, so I invited her over."

Thank God, he left out what "over" meant or she might die of embarrassment right there.

"With the connection we have," he said nuzzling her ear, " I thought she should come and meet everyone. Besides, I needed a date."

Repetition:

There was some repetition in the chapter. A few edits would clean and tight these sections up.

*mortal closet/ mortal apartment/ perfectly mortal (Human, mundane, normal...not saying change all on them, but these were all placed close together in the chapter.)

*"You know good and well I always do my job." That was absolutely true and Gabriel knew it. (Both lines say the same thing here. As a reader, I would prefer to read it in the dialogue, though. The line could read:

"You know I alway do my job." (You can add an Action beat here to show his acknowledgment like a curt nod or a shrug.)

Dashes

Don't dash away yet. LOL (Had to do it.) There are a few rules for these little beauties. (...and after reading a few grammar books, I find I have to go back and fix the dashes in my book.) Anyway, there are three dashes in writing:

- dash/hyphen (There are a couple of pages of examples for this dash listed in the book I mention below.)

– en dash (Used to signify, "up to and including." Read pages 10–15. For scores it signifies "to" like winning 3–5.)

— em dash (This is the only dash that's permitted for use in dialogue. C.S.Lakin's book (Say What?) does a brilliant job of explaining all three dashes.)

The punctuation for the em dash is no spaces on either side of it.

"This is—" (no comma after is)

"—Gabriel,"

...neck—which was what the creature had been aiming for—at the...

Also, correct if you were using it as a question: "This is—?"

(I don't know what type of computer you have PC or MAC, but on a MAC it's the Shift/Alt/dash keys at the same time for the em dash. The en dash is ALT/dash key at the same time. I know a Google search will tell you how to get them on a PC.)

I had lots of fun reading your chapter. Can't wait to read some more. Hope you find some help here in my comments.

Cheers

Amber

Network with this winner: The3dreamers

1st runner up: grammatically

2nd runner up: untameddemons

Final Author's Note: Being spotlighted was absolutely wonderful and amazing and helpful. You've all helped me so much, and always in the kindest of ways. The NBR community is special, and I'm honored to be part of it. You are, each and every one of you, awesome. I do tend to favor more detail and going above and beyond in giving feedback, which is why I chose my winner; I encourage everyone to do their best to answer the authors' questions and the topic, but also to go above and beyond in things the author may not have seen. Future spotlights will definitely appreciate it as much as I did! Thanks again and much love to you all!

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Author #3:MaximumNeptune

Book Title: The Weavling

Specified Chapter: Chapter 1

Summary Thus Far in Book: N/A

Author's Note: Thank you so much to Dawn for allowing me this chance to get my book out there! NBR is an amazing concept, and I'm so glad there's something to help new writers share their work. On to the questions!

1. I struggle with realistic dialogue. Do any of the character interactions seem clunky or forced?

2. Is there too much telling and not enough showing?

3. Would you read on, and if not, what could I do to change that?

Genre: Fantasy

Rating: PG

Winning Comment: Kudos on having the courage to have your work analysed by others!

a) Keep one way of referring to your protagonist. I think in the initial paras, you referred to her as Eleanor, the girl, the teenage girl etc. That left me a little confused about who I was reading about. Be consistent to avoid confusing the reader.

b) Repetitions, you have a lot of them in the first half of the chapter. You also used certain words too often, (turned a corner and hit her shoulder on the corner, for example). Its a minor issue. But do look into it as these can sometimes throw readers off. Your sentence length in the first half of the story needs work. You were trying to show and tell all at once, resulting in those sentences looking like they were hurriedly put together.

Those are pretty much the first negatives I spotted. Did you edit the second half more than the first half? Asking because I didn't see these issues in the second half.

To answer other questions you asked, the show-tell balance was great. You stuck to the important 'shows'. That helped :) It gave me, as the reader, just enough to 'see'and the little you left out, let me use my own imagination to fill the blanks. You've avoided dialogue tags (words like said), so kudos to you! I know another reader advised you to include them. But seeing as you've done some reading on how to improve your writing, I'm guessing you already read somewhere that you should avoid the tags. I haven't come across many books written about weavlings/weavers so yes, this looks and sounds like a refreshing plot.

The dialogue felt fine to me. What I think makes it clunky is the descriptions between the dialogues. I didn't see this issue in the conversation between Alton and Eleanor. There was just enough there to keep the dialogue flowing with the extra information. Perhaps if you go back and shrink the details, the rest of the dialogue will feel more natural?

Kudos and keep going!

Network with this winner: arathi1

1st runner up: AhsokaJackson

2nd runner up: smallwinter

Final Author's Note: Thanks to everyone who gave feedback! I really enjoyed reading everyone's comments. I'm definitely going to try to improve my writing based on all of this. It's been a great week!

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