Friday, April 22 - Friday, April 29 

Round ends Midnight, Central Time

Comment Topic: Developing a good hook is crucial in order to gain readers. At which point did the author successfully capture your undivided attention?

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Author #1: StormyTheZebra

Book Title: Fallacy

Specified Chapter: Chapter Two - Strong Fixations

Summary Thus Far in Book: The story follows Briar Kennedy, a very confused and mislead girl, as she goes on a mission that to her might restore he family's honor. This requires going into a town that was destroyed. Her goal is to put an end to a killers madness and destruction, but meeting him leads her somewhere else. In this chapter Briar is meeting with the head of her local department so she can be debriefed before entering the town and her battle between whether she should really be going.

Author's Note: Hi there everyone! So generally I'm super shy, and for this opportunity I really thank Dawn. This contest will greatly help me improve as a writer and get more noticed without me leaving my comfort zone toooo much ;P

I really appreciate you guys! So lets get started!

What are your opinions of Briar?

Does the plot seem realistic?

How well does the story flow?

Genre: Science Fiction

Rating: PG

Winning Comment: Congratulations on your spotlight week and way more than that, congratulations on leaving your comfort zone. I was at a leadership conference last weekend with John Maxwell (google his name - he's a big deal). He said, "all success lies just on the other side of your comfort zone." That means you're on your way to even more success as a writer. Great job! It can be scary to put your work out in the world but the rewards are astonishing!

At which point did the author successfully capture your undivided attention?

You got me first with this sentence in your summary: "Her goal is to put an end to a killer's madness and destruction but meeting him leads her somewhere else." Whoa. You HAVE to include that in your blurb if you haven't already. I was thinking, "OK... it's Katniss Everdeen in space sent to assassinate some jerk who... wait... what? Is she going to fall in love with him? Learn some deep dark secret about their society? Is he her long lost brother? OMG! Is she going to fall in love with her long lost brother?! Argh! I gotta read it!!!

And that's how people like me end up spending grocery money on books. Well played, dear author. Well played.

This is chapter two. Without having seen it, based on what I read, your big OMG hook was in chapter one. Which is as it should be! So, starting here, I didn't feel that big pull until the end of the chapter when she started to get emotional and determined to take on this quest. That's OK... like I said, your big hook should be in chapter one and the fact that you intensified at the end of this chapter, after giving me some info about her past, pulled me toward chapter three.

What are your opinions of Briar?

She seems brave. She's clearly frightened about what the future holds and traumatized by whatever happened to her parents, but she's strong enough to rise above her fear and do what she must.

Does the plot seem realistic?

I'm not sure what the plot is, based on this chapter, but I'd say it doesn't really matter.

I once read a book about a little boy who was so abused by his adoptive parents they locked him in a cabinet under the stairs and forced him to work like a servant and no one in his life intervened until an ancient wizard showed up with a letter that was an invitation to a wizarding school.... least realistic story EVER.

You don't need to be realistic. You just need to be confident enough in your story telling to suck me into your dream. So far, I'd say you're doing a great job.

How well does the story flow?

I think your pacing is spot on through 98% of this chapter. It was a pleasant mix of info and action. It got a little rushy toward the end. Not enough that I can even quite pinpoint where it happened... somewhere after he greeted her...

Maybe it was when he went from "I would never do that to you" to "so you're definitely going, right?" without transition. Perhaps a sentence or two breaking that paragraph up would help. Maybe he blows his nose or something?

Aside from that, I think this is great. I made a lot of notes as I read. Please know that they aren't meant to be a harsh criticism. On the contrary, I think you've got a really solid story here. These suggestions are just spots where I think a little polish would take it from very good to truly great. They pretty much revolve around verbosity. There are places where you use more words than you really need. Always use the shortest possible phrase to get to the point. That keeps your reader's eyes constantly moving on to the next sentence instead of spending time trying to digest the one they're on.

Over all, very well done!

Here are the notes I made while reading:

"Frozen in the path of ivory colored walls and lemon tinted windows was a door..."

This is stunning imagery, but it's a little confusing to me. In my head, I pictured a street lined with these pretty pastel buildings and, right in the middle of the street there was a door. If that's what you mean, that's great, but if the door is set into the wall, not mysteriously suspended in the street I'd change the beginning of the sentence to clarify that.

"so simple" and "so important" I'd delete the 2nd "so." Too repetitious and you don't really need it.

"Upon further examination you could see smudged fingerprints..." The use of "you" in this context would only be OK if you were writing in 3rd person omniscient point of view (POV) - which is freaking HARD to do. Since you're in 1st person, either "I could see" or "smudged fingerprints could be seen." To keep an active, interesting voice I'd suggest putting the fingerprints first to make them the focus of the sentence so it would look something like this: "Smudged fingerprints from weary, tire hands dulled the silver sheen. The cheap lock hung loose from overuse."

"The elevator was enough to set me on edge." Cut "was enough to." You just used a similar expression in the previous paragraph and it slows the sentence down. Then combine the following part to keep it tight. Suggest: "The elevator set me on edge.With every floor I passed, the fried light above me buzzed, giving an eerie twitch."

"The floor was gross with dust and dirt, dead leaves and broken wrappers all over the place."

Any time you use any form of the verb "to be" you are probably writing in passive voice. Sometimes it's just unavoidable, because that's how English is, but if it is possible to restructure your sentence to make it more active, you will almost always end up with a stronger, more vivid picture. To do that, look at your sentence and figure out what the real subject is. In this case, the crap on the floor.

Put that first so your reader's mind immediately goes to that image.

"Dust and dirt, dead leaves and broken wrappers littered the gross floor."

"Now here I stand after the final turn..."

This is a stylistic preference, so know that this is a 100% subjective statement, but I feel like this is too conversational. If you love it, keep it, but I would suggest combining sentences to make it more like the reader is inside the MC's head and less like she's telling a story. Suggest something like: "At the final turn in the maze of unique hallways my mind began to play tricks on me, distorting the corridor (to avoid repetition of hallway), making the door stretch further back, even as I walked forward."

"which generally meant I was going to drown everything out"

Not sure what this means? If she is drowning everything out doesn't that mean she's being louder than everything else? If you're saying her anxiety is so great she can't hear, than I'd go with "tuning" rather than "drowning." Plus, "generally" is a weak adverb. I'd suggest reworking this sentence for clarity or putting a period after "anxiety" and cutting the rest.

"Undiscovered, I listened closely as the argument was intensifying almost unreasonably." I'd suggest making this stronger and more immediate in this way: "Undiscovered, I eavesdropped as the argument intensified beyond reason." Adverbs are like "to be." Avoid them if you can.

About commas: I'm not going to point out individual instances because there are other NBR people who are so much better at punctuation than me. As a general rule, though, if the two sentence halves that you are separating with a comma could make sense on their own their would be a period. That's true even if the two sentences are part of one thought. If you must link them, use a semi-colon.

"The voice must have said something rather offensive because the man on the other side of the door grunted." Cut "seemingly offended." It's repetitive, .

slows the sentence down, and doesn't give any new information.

"My lungs shuttered" shuddered?

shuddered = trembled

shuttered = little covers closed over them

"The man on the other side was younger than the mature voice I had heard."

suggest tightening this by cutting "on the other side."

"His eyes looked lightweight" I don't know what this means. Maybe "untroubled?" Or "peaceful" or "unlined?" I'd suggest a more common verb. You don't want to be cliche, but you need to be relatable.

"To my astonishment he (cut: MERELY) smiled and pressed a button on the large black recoding machine (I thought it was a phone?), turning his full attention to me."

Ha! I know a Dakota Johnson and he looks just like you described! Whoa!!!

"was known for the warm, soulful eyes he took with him." Like... he carried them around in his pocket?

suggest: "was known for his warm, soulful eyes."

suggest cutting "freshly stocked." It slows your story telling and doesn't add any important information.

Also, I'd add "headlines" or something. The whole magazine isn't about him, is it? (or maybe it is... if so, just ignore my chatter)

suggest: "Many times, walking downtown, I'd seen magazine headlines proclaiming him a hero. His recent generous donation to a children's foster care agency was typical Dakota: fighting for the rights of everyone."

"He was the (cut: VERY) reason"

"Every chance I got was a route to escape the pain of missing them."

Another of those style preference moments: Somehow I feel like "opportunity" would be a better word here. Can't give you a single rational behind that. Just throwing it out there for your consideration.

"Their decision to leave me"

Wait... I thought they died? Even if she feels abandoned by their death, did they DECIDE to leave her. Like... did they commit suicide?

"laughed a little" can you pick a stronger verb? Chuckled, maybe?

"The office was fragile."

Interesting use! I like it. It paints a very vivid image.

I really love the comparison of the clear stuff to his clear heart, but I'd suggest getting rid of the adverb: "Everything seemed to be as clear as his heart was rumored to be."

"There was a large window..."

Again, the "to be" verbs are slowing your story down. Also, give lots of detail, but not so much that your readers are stumbling over detail to get to the action.

Suggest: "A large window nearly covered the wall behind his desk."

Also suggest putting putting this sentence in the paragraph above after "small room." It fits better with the description of all the glass in the office.

"Awkward and mildly uncomfortable to look at, I met his expectant gaze."

He's awkward? She is? She's uncomfortable to look at? It's uncomfortable to look at him? Suggest re-structuring this to clarify. Is it: "Feeling awkward and uncomfortable, I forced myself to meet his expectant gaze?" (That's not exactly right because you're writing in immediate 1st person POV and I'm bad at that) NBR (Part Seven - last one. I promise.)

"For the first time in his reputation, Dakota Johnson looked crushed."

A man known for being soft hearted would have been reputed to look crushed often. Maybe "For the first time I'd seen" or just cut the frusta half and say "He looked crushed."

"Licking my lips" I love how you toss her little gestures into the story like this. It shows me a lot about how nervous and fidgety she is without you ever having to tell me, "she was nervous and fidgety."

"and joined in her father's" Her mother's father? If so, this is fine. If it's Briar's father then her mother joined in her husband's scheme.

"Dakota could see the pain and immediately stood up and came to hold me as the tears began to get stronger, the sobs more intense." Cut unnecessary words and tighten this up: "Dakota saw my pain and stood to hold me as the tears intensified to sobs."

Thank you for sharing your work with us. It really shows a lot of talent!

Network with this winner: eacomiskey

1st runner up: ChayAvalerias

2nd runner up: twin_cities

Final Author's Note: Thank you so much, each and every one of you for commenting. It means the world to those who didn't just skip over me. Thank you especially to those I've selected because your words really reached out to me and it means a boat load. Several others came very close as well like AmeVicky02, dyingoffeels911, wordsinsilk, ccdymond28 and HarryB178 so thank you all!

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Author #2: tenatheart

Book Title: Learning to Survive

Specified Chapter: 01 | Storm

Summary Thus Far in Book: N/A

Author's Note: First of all, thank you Dawn and the rest of the crew that work so hard to keep this amazing club up and running, and for providing me this opportunity!

This chapter has just been re-posted after being heavily edited, I would love to see your responses to the questions below!

1) How can I improve the chapter?

2) Did anything make you want to stop reading?

3) does Tyler have a clear voice throughout the chapter?

Now, hit me with your best shot!

Genre: Teen Fiction

Rating: PG

Winning Comment: 

Setting up the Flashback

Dear Tash,

You have a very powerful introductory chapter. The flashback really cuts to the heart of the reader. It's emotional, it's tragic, it's gripping. So, what I would like to recommend in these comments are ways you can leverage that flashback to really hook the reader from the get-go. To do this, I will make a few recommendations that might seem a little bold, but after I explain you can see why I am making these recommendations. If you are not sure about my suggestions, no worries. It's your story, and it is your call. I only seek to give you my opinion and share my thoughts on your work. My role is to support you and your writing. Okay, ready to begin? Here we go!!

Suggestion 1: Remove the section about Fight or flight to the back cover of the book like someone already suggested.

Suggestion 2: Delete the paragraphs beginning with "Memories were like liquor..." down to "Why did they have to die? Why?" By removing these paragraphs, you can start the scene right at the beginning. At the start of any scene, you will want to offer the readers a concrete sense of what is happening and where they are at. Although it is common practice not to begin an introduction scene with a quote or extended dialogue, I think the small quote you have here works just fine.

Now, let's review the first initial paragraphs of the chapter and see what we can do to refine those paragraphs:

Paragraph 1:

"Tyler," yelled my twin sister [we can show this more by placing an exclamation mark and then by adding small actions to intensify the urgency], Maddy, from the other side of the locked door. "Please, please just open the door. It will be okay—everything will be okay. Just open the door."

Suggested Revision:

"Tyler!" Maddy pounded on the locked bedroom door. "Please, please just open the door. It will be okay—everything will be okay. Just open the door!"

Paragraph 2-5:

Everything will be okay. [Let's show this thought as doubt. Maybe use a question mark.]

I shook my head. Nothing was okay—nothing would ever be okay. [This works well.]

I wasn't okay. [I recommend deleting this line. It's "telling" not "showing." While telling can work as a direct characterization strategy, the reader already sees enough in this opening scene to get a sense that Tyler wasn't doing all that well.]

I was broken. [Here, this line is more "telling" than "showing." This is like "explaining" what the reader can figure out from reading. I would remove it.]

Suggested Revisions:

Everything will be okay? I shook my head. My twin sister was wrong. [Notice the planting here.] Nothing was okay—nothing would ever be okay.

Paragraph 6 & 7:

Realising I had sunk halfway down the door, I let myself fall. [Show us that she has her back to the door. That's a powerful image.] Maddy knocked at the door again [Maddy would have heard Tyler slide down and wouldn't knock so hard; she'd be worried]; her hands creating a sound that echoed a raging thunderstorm. [So, Maddy wouldn't knock so loud. You'll need to give Tyler another mental link for her to think back on the flashback. How about a quote that Maddy says, like "Are you okay?" that someone, Halle, asked her when they were stuck?]

That was when the visions of the accident—the day everything changed—and the days that had followed, tainted my thoughts. [Let's see if we can make the transition smoother.]

Suggested Revision:

With my back to the door, I slid down to the floor and convulsed in tears. [I added the crying here.] Maddy knocked again tentatively. "Tyler? Are you okay?" That was what Halle asked after the plane crashed, after I opened my eyes on the second day of being trapped inside with her and the others. "Are you okay?"

I closed my eyes. I heard the raging thunderstorm, the crash of lightning, and gusty winds that brought our plane down. No one even knew the storm was coming.

Okay, Tash, let's take a look at what I am suggesting for the first few paragraphs of the chapter:

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"Tyler!" Maddy pounded on the locked bedroom door. "Please, please just open the door. It will be okay—everything will be okay. Just open the door!"

Everything will be okay? I shook my head. My twin sister was wrong. Nothing was okay—nothing would ever be okay.

With my back to the door, I slid down to the floor and convulsed in tears. Maddy knocked again tentatively. "Tyler? Are you okay?" That was what Halle asked after the plane crashed, after I opened my eyes on the second day of being trapped inside with her and the others. "Are you okay?"

I closed my eyes. I heard the raging thunderstorm, the crash of lightning, and gusty winds that brought our plane down. No one even knew the storm was coming.

__

How does that work as as shorter and more direct introduction to the flashback?

About the Flashback

I like the flashback here as it really communicates a powerful part of what happened to Tyler. It provides the "backstory" for the current story; however, writing experts like Janet Burroway (author of "Writing Fiction: A Guide to the Narrative Craft") warn against using flashbacks too soon before the action has been developed or using flashbacks that are unnecessary or two wordy. Here's what she suggests:

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If you are tempted to use flashback to fill in the whole past, trying using your journal for exploring background. Write down everything fast. Then take a hard look at it to decide just how little of it you can use, how much of it the reader can infer, how you can sharpen an image to imply a past incident or condense a grief into a line of dialogue. Trust the reader's experience of life to understand events from attitudes. And keep the present of the story moving.

So in nutshell, Janet is arguing to make the flashback short and to keep the reader in the present as much as possible. (BTW, Janet Burroway is the author of 8 novels—one of them receiving a nomination for the Pulitzer Prize. She is also author of poems, plays, essays, and books on writing.) I think she has a point about flashbacks; however, I think you can weave the flashback into the current chapter by integrating it in pieces and cutting it down some. In the sample below, I'm going to see if I can offer you some suggestions on how to do this. (To honest, right now at this point in my review, I am not sure how it would be done. So, let's play around with it some?)

Okay, after spending some time on the flashback, here's what I have come up with. I think you should split the flashback into two parts. Part 1: Closing Rose's Eyes & Part 2: Hallie's Convo. Then add in something that Maddie does in between these two parts.

Let's take a look at one part at a time, shall well?

Original Part 1:

It came out of nowhere...the story. There was no slow pitter-pattering of rain. It fell hard, fast, like bullets from a gun. Streaks of lightning lit up the night sky as they danced across charcoal clouds. [In the suggested revision, the sentences that launches the flashback reads: "I closed my eyes. I heard the raging thunderstorm, the crash of lightning, and gusty winds that brought our plane down. No one even knew the storm was coming." So, this paragraph really isn't needed. Where you might consider starting the flash back is right in the middle of the scene.]

Large droplets of water pelted the wing of the plane [maybe this can be embedded. The key is to get the reader into the moment/action of the flashback] we had bunkered [bunkered or trapped? Sounds more like trapped inside] underneath. It was day three, maybe four, [I would choose a day here] and everyone was dead. All except Hallie and I. [Nice powerful sentences here.]

"Rose's eyes," croaked Hallie. "Please, can you—can you close her eyes." [Powerful sentence here.]

I turned to Rose [this can be implied in Tyler's action and doesn't need to be stated], whose lower extremities were trapped underneath a tonne of metal. Not even the smell of her decomposing body [what does her decomposing body smell like?] could compare to the horror I saw within her eyes [this comparison really doesn't work here because the reader does not have a concrete understanding of the smell of a dead body or the horror in Rose's stare. I recommend changing this].

She was staring [how about just "stared," and maybe it is her eyes that is staring not really "her"] at me.

I stared back.

"You slaughtered me!" they [Who is they?] screamed. "You killed me!" [We get no evidence of Tyler feeling responsible for the plane crash. As a result, this doesn't seem to register for the reader. I would consider removing it.]

Original Part 1-Cont:

The sight of her lifeless body was enough to make me empty the contents of my stomach, but there was nothing in there. We hadn't eaten in days. [I would change this paragraph to make it seem like she has ignored Rose's dead body. In fact, it's been three days of having her dead right next to her.]

I held my breath as I came in contact with her pale, ice cold skin, and with a trembling hand, I closed my eyes. [Powerful image]

I became unhinged. [After three days now she becomes unhinged? I think in the middle of a crisis like this, the mind reaches a stage of detachment and/or protection. So, if she is going to cry, you will need to set up how her emotions bubble again.] The floodgates opened and I bawled. I thought I didn't have enough energy to cry; I was wrong. There were moments in your life you'd never forget, and if I survived—this would surely be one of them. [Tyler doesn't have to tell the reader this. The reader already know about this by her flashback.]

The longer I looked, the harder I cried. But I couldn't bring myself to look away. [Not sure this line is needed.]

My eyes wEre drawn to the dent to her forehead and the dried blood that surrounded it. [This is a powerful sentence.] I did that, I thought, my fault. [Again, not sure this fits. No setup.] But despite the wound and the metal that had pinned her to the ground [we already know about the wound and metal, might want to streamline the description], Rose looked peaceful. As if she was sleeping. [Powerful image here. However, see how we have some of Rose's description up above. I would recommend bring these paragraphs together so that the reader gets one image.]

Eventually, once my cries had turned into soft whimpers, I took one last look at her and whispered, "I'm so sorry, Rose." [Why not have her say she's sorry first, then have her start crying. Her admission of sorrow could spur on the crying.]

Suggested Revision on Part 1:

*Note: I am adding the flashback transition sentences from my last set of posts here so you can see how it flows.*

With my back to the door, I slid down to the floor and convulsed in tears. Maddy knocked again tentatively. "Tyler? Are you okay?" That was what Halle asked after the plane crashed, after I opened my eyes on the second day of being trapped inside with her and the others. "Are you okay?"

I closed my eyes. I heard the raging thunderstorm, the crash of lightning, and gusty winds that brought our plane down. No one even knew the storm was coming.

*flashback start here*

By the third day, everyone was dead--all except Hallie and me. We had been trapped inside the toppled plane.

"Rose's eyes," croaked Hallie from her perch a few seats away. "Please, can you—can you close her eyes?"

Rose's body was pinned underneath a tonne of metal. On the first day, the sight of her lifeless body made me try to empty the contents of my stomach, but there was nothing in there to expel. Now, I couldn't even smell her decomposing body anymore. I stared at the dent in her forehead and the dried blood that surrounded it, and then saw her eyes, which were open-wide, pupils coated in blood, expressing nothing short of horror. I shuddered and had to look away. I held my breath as I came in contact with her pale, ice cold skin, and with a trembling hand, I closed her eyes.

She looked peaceful, as if she was sleeping. She looked like she was okay, like she was just passing the time before she could return home, but she was never going home. She was dead; they all were dead. I didn't think I had enough energy to cry, but tears came out nonetheless. I cried and cried until all I could do was emit soft whimpers. I whispered, "I'm so sorry, Rose."

Intercession Between Flashback Parts

So, on the suggested revisions, can you see how I tightened up the flashback, focused on the scene and immediate action, and tried to have emotions bubble up in that last paragraph.

Now, at this point, I recommend bring the reader back to the present with something that Maddie did or said. Like I pointed out in my last set of comments, if you use some sort of verbal quote or idea that Maddie says in the present can use the idea as a mental link for Tyler flashback to the past. It is up to you to decide how you want to write the transition to the present time. Here's a sample [only a sample, not actually what you may write] of what this could look like:

"Oh, Tyler," she spoke through the door. "Please, stop crying. Just open the door." I buried my face into my hands. Couldn't she just leave me alone? I wanted to be left alone, especially today.

She pounded again, and I felt the vibration rattle my skull. I grunted. "Come on, Tyler. Please, open the door."

"Just go away," I whispered back. "Just go away." This morning was the secondary anniversary of the accident. I felt every fibre in my body ache with sorrow.

"No," she stated. "You need to hang in there. I'm here for you. I love you. Now open this damn door. You just can't give up."

**Start flashback here**

Original Flashback Part 2: Convo

[You will need a new transition to start off the flashback. I recommend on that connects with the idea of "giving up" and Hallie doing that.] "She can't hear you," said Hallie, her voice void of any emotion. "She's dead, Tyler. Pretty soon we'll both be too." A tear trickled [nice description, but can't cry if she has no emotion. I would change that first part] out of the corner of her left eye, the other was so badly bruised that it barely opened. [Powerful image here.]

The girl who sat before me was unrecognizable [this description is telling, but doesn't reveal what she looks like. I'd remove it.]. Her blonde hair was in a knotted mess, several bruises had sprouted across her blood-stained body and all were in various phases of healing. She was dressed in tattered clothes that exposed pus-infected lacerations on her legs, torso and hands. [Now, this is strong description. I would like to see this connected to the description of the tear above.]

Harriet Powers was visibly broken [no need to describe this here. The reader can see that.] and I knew, at that moment, her soul was too. [That part is deep, but needs to be setup better. I think it can be incorporated more as a mental conclusion or thought. See suggested revisions.]

[I loved the dialogue here. So well-written.]

"Hallie."

She clenched her jaw. "I don't want to hear it, Tyler."

"Harriet," I whispered harshly. Her blue eyes wavered in my direction, but she turned her attention back to the rain that [still] hammered down relentlessly [even after all these days]. "The Harriet I knew wouldn't have given up so easily."

Harriett mumbled something under her breath and then laced her hand with my own. "Do you think people know that we're missing?"

"Of course they do," I told her. "People don't disappear off the face of earth. They'll be looking for us. I promise."

"Then why haven't they found us yet?"

My breath instantly got caught in my throat at the question. I didn't have answer. [But she does answer with "I don't know," so this needs to change.] Instead of responding, I tried to concentrate on my breathing and not on the throbbing headache that pounded relentlessly against my skull. [I think this can be shortened some]

But when I couldn't get her question out of my head, I said, "I don't know, Hallie. I don't know why we haven't been found yet, but you can't give up. You can never give up. They will find us."

Hallie shook her head, a grim expression plastered across her bruised features. "Yeah? When? What good will it be if we're dead."

[I recommend moving some of this description up earlier to help out with the flashback transition.] I was left speechless. The girl who never gave up, who empowered the band to continue when our future looked bleak, who was the one people turned to whenever they needed a pep-talk – had given up hope.

The rain continued to fall in heavy, white waves around us. Suddenly, I sat up straight. It was at that moment I realized the world was crying with us. [Not needed for the flashback. Wise to stick to the one scene or moment.]

Suggested Revision:

Hallie gave up on that third day. "Rose can't hear you," She said. "She's dead, Tyler. Pretty soon we'll both be too."

My jaw dropped. The girl who never gave up, who empowered the band to continue when our future looked bleak, who was the one people turned to whenever they needed a pep-talk was giving up hope now.

What happened to Hallie, the girl I knew, the girl I needed. Her blonde hair was in a knotted mess and several bruises had sprouted across her blood-stained body. She was dressed in tattered clothes that exposed pus-infected lacerations on her legs, torso and hands. And, a tear trickled out of the corner of her left eye, the other was so badly bruised that it barely opened.

Harriet Powers was more than physically broken, her soul was shattered too.

"Hallie."

She clenched her jaw. "I don't want to hear it, Tyler."

"Harriet," I whispered harshly. Her blue eyes wavered in my direction, but she turned her attention back to the rain that hammered down relentlessly. "The Harriet I knew wouldn't have given up so easily."

Harriett mumbled something under her breath and then laced her hand with my own. "Do you think people know that we're missing?"

"Of course they do," I told her. "People don't disappear off the face of earth. They'll be looking for us. I promise."

"Then why haven't they found us yet?"

My breath instantly got caught in my throat at the question. I had to concentrate on my breathing and ignore the throbbing headache pounding against my skull. Finally, I said, "I don't know, Hallie. I don't know why we haven't been found yet, but you can't give up. You can never give up. They will find us."

Hallie shook her head, a grim expression plastered across her bruised features. "Yeah? When? What good will it be if we're dead."

Again, I am sorry for this being so long. I am also sorry if my revision ideas seem a little bold. I have basically asked you to slash and dash a lot of the beginning of your story, split your flashback into two parts, and to insert a middle-intermission between the two flashbacks. That's pretty demanding. So, I completely understand if these suggestions might not resonate with you. Again, this is your story and only you know best about what to do with it.

My comments have addressed most of your questions. I really felt that Tyler had a clear voice. I also instantly fell in love with Maddie. To me the most powerful thing about this chapter is that flashback. This is why I spent so much time giving my suggestions about how to set up the flashback and how to integrate it into the present story and tighten it up to make it convey more "power" on the readers.

I wish you all the best as you consider revisions on this chapter.

Take care and keep writing!

Network with this winner: ChayAvalerias

1st runner up: ariel_paiement1

2nd runner up: Tegan1311

Final Author's Note: Wow! What a crazy week it has been for my notifications! ChayAvalerias, you blew me away with just how much dedication and thought you put into your (very very long) comment(s)! Sadly, I could only pick two runner ups and they were ariel_paiement1 & Tegan1311! I really loved everything you both pointed out! A massive thank you to every single person that commented and gave me feedback!

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Author #3: VioletSun5

Book Title: Terres

Specified Chapter: Prologue

Summary Thus Far in Book: N/A

Author's Note: Thanks for spotlighting my book!

This chapter was originally written because chapter 1 lacked an effective hook. That being said, I'd like to know the following:

1. Does it have an effective hook, and do you want to read on?

2. Is it long enough?

3. Can you easily picture the setting?

Thanks for reading!

Genre: Fantasy

Rating: PG

Winning Comment: Congratulations on being spotlighted.

Well done for showcasing a prologue because to include one is essential that they fulfill certain criteria. Otherwise, don't go near them with a barge pole.

You need to ask yourself there questions:

Do you really need a prologue? It isn't enough to write one because your first chapter isn't strong enough.

What does your prologue do?

And finally, Does it get the job done right?

A prologue is a great thing, as it allows you two starts to your novel. But if it doesn't answer some strict questions then it's best to steer clear. I know a lot of people who simply ignore prologues and never read them, and if they do, if they are no good, it will turn them off the book totally.

Remember, it's there to do a certain job for you, so make sure that a) that job is essential, and b) no one else can do it.

Essential means that the prologue has to contribute to the plot. It has to reveal significant, relevant facts, without which the reader will be missing something. You cannot afford to have your prologue idling away under the pretence of creating an atmosphere. Its first duty is to supply information that is or will be vital to the understanding of the plot.

But that's hardly enough. After all, every chapter delivers key facts, which ultimately amounts to the plot. So what makes bits of information require a prologue? Any number of reasons. Perhaps relating them in the body of the novel would cause a breach in point-of-view etiquette. Perhaps they occur in another time or place, and have too much weight to mention 'by-the-by'. Or they might choke the narrative to death with background details. Any of these cases, call for a prologue.

To make sure your prologue works well, you can put it through a simple two-step test: try to leave it out and see if anything important is missing; then try to change its title to "Chapter One", and check if the plot integrity is damaged. If you've answered both questions with a yes, then your prologue is doing a good job.

The prologue's length was fine. I'm not sure whether it is intriguing enough to make me go onto chapter one. I know prologues are quite common in fantasy, but it might be good to look at other examples where they are used to good purpose and note how they work. Remember too, that the end of any chapter should end in a nice little cliffhanger.

Network with this winner:  Tstedman

1st runner up: the3dreamers

2nd runner up: the_soccer_thief

Final Author's Note: Thanks to all you guys! I had a really fantastic spotlight week, and will be keeping track of a few things that were mentioned repeatedly in the rewrite. Thanks for spending the time to review my story! :)