Announcement: The NBR Gates have been extended until round 31. If you haven't resubmitted another chapter into the queue, here's your final chance!

Comment Topic: Identify the Mini-Plot of the chapter, and describe how the writer can make it bolder---more juicier. Be specific. 

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Author #1: The3dreamers

Book Title: The Dream Weaver

Specified Chapter: Prologue

Summary Thus Far in Book: Wren's first day at her new school was a twisted Infernal Devices kind of day –in other words, anything but ordinary. With Kellan and Jaxon battling for her attention, their Twilight love triangle draws Wren into a hidden world she never dreamed possible.

Unlocking the mystery of her lost memories, mystical tattoos and unusual abilities is only the beginning of her being able to unravel her past, and find out who she really is. Claiming her role in a world she knows nothing about is more dangerous than she knows.

Author's Note: So excited to hear everyone's feedback this week. (*Thank you, Dawn for shining this week's spotlight on my work!*) The prologue is a key chapter that's referred to again and again in the book, so it's important for me to get it just right.

1. What are your thoughts of this opening chapter?

2. Has this chapter captured your attention to read on? If not, why?

3. What are your suggestions for improvement?

Genre: Fantasy

Rating: PG

Winning Comment:

Dear Amber,

I really liked this prologue. You have a pretty intense scene here. I was especially intrigued that in beginning we don't really see who the antagonist is. Instead, we see the flames engulfing the forest. The encroaching fire is symbolic for both the relentlessness of the antagonist, as well as his destructive power. So, these elements worked very well. The conflict, though seeming to be a person v. natures, actually encompasses a larger, perhaps, supernatural force at play. Wren's escape from the flames into the ocean with her mother also symbolizes a wonder contrasts between cool ocean waters from the burning flames. This contrasts also heightens of the characterization of Wren's mother, who seems very protective.

After reading your chapter a few times, I had spotted several aspects to the style of your writing and to how you constructed the narrative of your prologue. When I began to write my review, I noticed that several of the NBR reviewers had already mentioned the things that I was going to write about: style concerns and scene development/construction. Other areas for revision, such as characterization and use of embedded description, were also well attended to by other NBR reviewers. (These reviewers catch everything, don't they!)

What I decided to do for this review, instead, is to offer some detailed commentary and feedback on a few specific key parts of the chapter. I'll focus on the introduction part of the chapter to discuss scene development. Then I will highlight a paragraph to demonstrate advanced editing strategies and techniques. I hope my comment can "show" different ways to think of future revisions here. I really hope my comments are helpful.

Here we go!

Okay, so, as you probably already know if you read a few of my former reviews, I'm all about scene analysis and scene construction. This prologue starts off with what Jordan Rosenfeld calls an "action scene" in her "Make a Scene: Crafting a Powerful Story One Scene at a Time." Here's what Jordan says about action scenes:

--Action scenes unfold in "real time," allowing the reader to feel he is participating in the events of the scene

--The pace is quick, and there is some kind of physical movement

--The protagonist is forced to make quick decisions or to react—to run on instinct rather than intellect

--Unexpected consequences for the protagonist heighten the drama

--Actions scenes are the ones in which your protagonist acts first and thinks later

--Action scenes are often fast and intense

So, you prologue definitely captures many of these elements; however, the launch into the scene could be develop a little more smoothly. Jordan offers two ways to start an action scene. First, "in media res" (in the middle of the action) suggest starting the prologue right in the center of the action. Example:

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I plunge through the underbrush and scattered berry patches, feeling the branches and thorns dig into my legs and scratch my arms. I pull myself free of the thorns and press onward, despite the stinging pain.

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The second way to start an action scene, according to Jordan, is with a short foreshadowing paragraph. Example:

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Every night for the past three years, I've had this dream and have woken up lying in a tossed heap feeling like I've run a marathon. The dream always ended the same way, except on the first day of my senior year of school. That's when everything changed.

The fire howled behind me, engulfing the forest. Its heat reaching me as I ran through the forest. I plunged through the underbrush...

In using either of these scene launchers, the idea is to get the reader quickly into the feel of being in the scene and in the action. Jordan Rosenfeld warns writers to be careful about mixing up different types of scenes. For example, elements of a contemplative scene (one in which the character reflects on things) would not work well in the middle of an action scene. The action scene needs to be intense, focused, and instinctual. Given the descriptions of an action above, let's look at the start the action scene here.

Here are some recommendations based Jordan's ideas.

1) The introduction to the prologue and the scene doesn't match the intention behind an action scene. Paragraph one starts very closely to either a suspense scene or a contemplative scene. So, you might want to change the way you introduce this chapter. Kimberly wrightstory suggested you consider starting "in media res." See the samples I gave up above.

2) Being in the moment. Several reviewers have already mentioned that Wren observes too much. In an action scene, the reader needs to feel that she is in the moment along the side the character. To do this, a strong sense of narrative intimacy (e.g., what the characters and feels occurs as "real time" and authentic for the action) must be woven into the writing. Let's look at your second paragraph here.

Your second a paragraph could an attempt to setup the dream sequence, but this really should start with the action already. As a writer, you want to bring the reader quickly into the action. Here is some of my feedback:

Original paragraph:

In the dream, everything is vividly clear, feeling deceptively real. [Note, vividly clear is redundant and this sentence is not needed if you are actually going to make the scene clear for the reader.] I can hear my breath with every panicked step I take. [This line is written from a "distant" location, not bring the reader into the intimate action. Narrative intimacy is what you want here.] Laboured and deep, out of practice like I've never run before in my life. [Thinking one is "out of practice" doesn't really show how she is "panicked." See the inconsistent thought here.] Heated with each inhale I take, the ache in my chest burns out of control making my lungs feel tight. [This sentence is okay, but what is missing is the fact that forest is burning down. This is a huge forest fire. So the reader will need to know this before this line makes sense.] The begging need to stop and catch my breath rings loud and clear throughout my body, a plea I'm forced to ignore as I labour on. [In this line, Wren ignores her body's plea. This thought process actually slows down the past of the action, allowing for some contemplation of the body in dialogue with her mind.] Like a wild animal following their instinct to live, I'm focused only on my flight away from the ever-approaching danger. [Yes, this important, but most wild animals are not aware of this instinct, they just act. See Jordan's descriptions of an action scene above.]

*Notice that much of this original paragraph has ideas/concepts that have already been repeated and are redundant. Also, notice the minimal action being describe here. For an action scene to work, the reader has got to have a sense of physical motion.

Okay, before I offer my possible revision here, let's have a quick review of what Jordan Rosenfeld says about action scenes: be in real time, quick, focus on physical movement, quick decisions/reactions, acts first/thinks later, fast/intense.

Possible revisions:

I gasp for breath, each step becoming more labored than the last. Glancing back at the raging fire, I shriek and run harder, arms failing everywhere. I plunge through the underbrush and scattered berry patches, feeling the branches and thorns dig into my legs and scratch my arms. I pull myself free of the thorns and press onward, despite the stinging pain.

The fiery woods crackle and snap behind me, and I breathe in smoke. "Run faster, run faster!" Then I'm halted, thrown backwards as if my leg is shackled. "Oh, no!

Thoughts on the revisions: When writing intense action scenes, notice that shorter sentence back-to-back can be very effective to establish a sort of rhythm for the reader. So, the more intense the action, the layering of short sentence can really pull off a strong impression on the reader. Go back to the main ideas for action writing given to us by Rosenfeld and see if this helps you make decisions on how to edit.

Also notice how much detail has been removed from the original paragraph to the possible revision paragraph. This kind of revision mirrors what Elanor ElanorMiller calls "killing your darlings." The focus here is to make the writing even more crisp and clear.

Hi Amber,

I'm back. I am going to describe "advanced editing" techniques that I use. I hope you don't mind, but I have written some of these definitions in other reviews I have done (one for NBR last year). Once I go through these concepts, I will then select a few paragraphs of your prologue to offer an example of these ideas.

Advanced Editing Overview:

When I write (either nonfiction or fiction), I usually characterize the process in a few steps. First, is drafting. Second, is reading/revising for general structure, coherence, pacing, and other story craft elements. Finally, I commit the manuscript to a grueling sentence-by-sentence, word-by-word critique. In this final process, I "tighten" the work, removing any redundant phrases or words (conceptual redundancy, word repetition, passive voices, etc.). When it comes to tightening, I imagine a moist piece of yarn, which has been held taut in a downward direction. If you pour a droplet of water on that yarn, it should in theory travel from the top part of the yawn to the lower part. The tighter the yarn, the easier the droplet glides down. In this metaphor, the droplet represents the reader and the yawn the manuscript. "Loose" writing can easily distract the reader.

Also, in this final part I employ a strategy to critique each of my word choices I refer to as the Psychology of the Reader. Basically, I ask "What does this word do for the reader? What mental image or process must the reader undergo by conceptualizing this word or phrase?"

Consider the difference in these two sentences:

Sentence 1: The wilderness extends outward into the clearing, growing by leaps and bounds.

Sentence 2: The wilderness thrusts outward into the clearing, yearning for freedom beyond this man-made boundary.

In sentence 2, the verb "thrusts" and the phrase "yearning for freedom" and the adjective "man-made" communicate very unique and intense imagery in the reader's mind as compared with sentence 1. When employing a Psychology of the Reader approach, I pay particular attention to the connotations and denotations of each word in each sentence.

What I describe here is an advanced method for revision and re-writing that I only perform when I am confident that the work is complete and whole.

In addition to advanced editing strategies of tightening and a Psychology of the Reader Approach, here are a few other concepts that I use in my writing:

"Building tension"—A writer builds tension through careful verb selection and action sequencing.

"Slipping in context"—Using a well-placed adjective or verb to convey aspects of the setting, mood or background without having to actually describe it into the story.

"Never use a weaker verb when a strong verb will do"—Pretty self-explanatory.

Again, I hope you don't mind, but I am going to perform some of this critique on your paragraph 8 (starting with "Now feeling frantic"). Again, I only recommend using these techniques when the manuscript is complete and the writing is already solid and strong.

Sentences 1 &2: Now feeling even more frantic to get as far away as possible, I have a renewed sense of motivation to keep moving. I hurriedly reach down to my boot and manage to untie the knotted bow at the top thinking I might be able to slide my foot out and leave it if I can loosen the laces enough.

Thoughts on Tightening: First, notice the conceptual redundancy: "feeling more frantic" and "renewed sense of motivation" and "hurriedly." These words/phrases repeat the same concept over and over. When tightening, the key is to say the most with the least amount of words. So, each word must be powerfully chosen. See this version of the first two sentences now:

Tightened version: Feeling more frantic to get away, I reach down to my boot and manage to untie the knotted bow at the top thinking I might be able to slide my food out and leave it if I can loosen the lace enough.

Thoughts on word choice: Let's look at this more tightened version now and consider the psychology behind each word choice. The words "feeling more frantic" convey a heightened stress and also urgency for Wren. The phrase "reach down to my boot and manage to untie" doesn't seem to continue this frantic, urgent feeling. The verb "reach" and the action "reach down" seems like an everyday action. Also the words "thinking" and "might be able to slide" suggest some thoughtful deliberation happening here. These images in the psychology of the reader slow down the pace—the exact opposite of the idea of being frantic. [Go back to what Jordan Rosenfeld says about action sense: act first/think later].

Verbs make powerful sentences. When a person is frantic, she doesn't "reach down," she "grabs at her laces" and she doesn't "manage to untie," she "yanks." Each verb must be selected carefully to convey action, image, and impression in the reader's mind.

Possible revision:

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Feeling more frantic to get away, I grab at my laces and yank them lose.

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Notice now that focusing on the specific verb actually causes what was already a "tightened" revised sentence to an even more crisp and forceful sentence.

Sentences 3 & 4: Wrenching on the strings not caring if they snap with my heaving on them, I managed to relax them just a little. When I try tugging my legs again, this time my foot slides free of its wooden jail.

Thoughts on Tightening: Based on the former sentence, the idea of "wrenching on the strings" "with my heaving on them" has already been established in the prior sentence. So, you can forgo that part. Also, verb constructions like "managed to" can be removed as these extra words are not needed. You change remove the "try tugging" verb construction and simply write "I tug." Now, let's make that sentence 5 even more tighten by eliminating words you do not need to convey your idea. See the revision below.

Here's the tightened version: I relax them just a little. This time I tug my foot free of its wooden jail.

Thoughts on word choice: Now that you have a tightened version of the sentence, let's do word-by-word analysis. Remember this paragraph illustrates Wren's frantic response. So the word "relax" and "just a little" don't seem consistent with the idea of her being frantic. These convey in the reader's mind a sense of calmness (relax) and less threatening (just a little). These are not the ideas you want in this paragraph. So, I recommend you simply remove sentence 4.

Revised paragraph so far:

Feeling more frantic to get away, I grab at my laces and yank them lose. This time I tug my foot free of its wooden jail.

Sentences 5 & 6: Without hesitation, I immediately roll over onto my hands and knees not caring if the still trapped boot can be freed. I instead leap up to standing to start my flight again.

Thoughts on tightening: Notice that word "without hesitation" and "immediately" are the exact same concepts. I recommend removing "without hesitation" because the word "immediately" works better and is only one word. The next sentence the idea of "leap up to standing" occurs as wordy (like "manage to relax). I would change that wording. Overall, not much needed in terms of tightening, but a word-by-word analysis will be more exacting.

Tightened version: I immediately roll over onto my hands and knees not caring if the still trapped boot can be freed. I instead leap and start my flight again.

Thoughts on word choice: The word "immediately" connects back with the idea of frantic posed in the first sentence. The idea of "rolling over onto my hands and knees" works okay here—you can get rid of the word "over," if you want. The phrase "not caring if the still trapped boot can be freed" is a thought. Remember act before thinking in the action. She's frantic to heck with the boot. So, that phrase distracts the reader from the impression you are trying to make. The verb "start" doesn't convey the right aspect to it. In the mind to start something could be equated with starting the coffee pot or starting the car, hardly anything to be frantic about. Let's beef up that verb.

Revised paragraph so far:

Feeling more frantic to get away, I grab at my laces and yank them lose. This time I tug my foot free of its wooden jail. I immediately roll over onto my hands and knees. I leap up and scurry onward.

Okay, now in the above paragraph I think it would be good to suggest that her foot is a little hurt. You can do this by "slipping in" a short sentence here. See next post.

Please, compare the revised paragraph with the original. Which is more powerful?

Final revised paragraph:

Feeling more frantic to get away, I grab at my laces and yank them lose. This time I tug my foot free of its wooden jail. I immediately roll onto my hands and knees. I shake out my foot. Then I leap up and scurry onward. [46 words]

Original paragraph:

Now feeling even more frantic to get as far away as possible, I have a renewed sense of motivation to keep moving. I hurriedly reach down to my boot and manage to untie the knotted bow at the top thinking I might be able to slide my foot out and leave it if I can loosen the laces enough. Wrenching on the strings not caring if they snap with my heaving on them, I managed to relax them just a little. When I try tugging my legs again, this time my foot slides free of its wooden jail. Without hesitation, I immediately roll over onto my hands and knees not caring if the still trapped boot can be freed. I instead leap up to standing to start my flight again. [130 words]

I'm not going to lie, performing advanced editing on a manuscript is grueling and painful! But this level of intentionality is what separates pretty good writers from bestsellers. Great ideas occur in the drafting stage, but excellent writing ONLY happens during the revision phase. Masterful writers are masterful revisers.

I really hope this helped you see how to use advanced editing strategies.

Best wishes,

Chayton

Network with this Winner: ChayAvalerias

1st Runner Up: JohnPDerby

2nd Runner Up: eacomiskey

Final Author's Note: The NBR had a lot to say about my prologue for The Dream Weaver. (Oh, about 160 pages to be exact!) Two of my readers joined in the fun this past week and also went through everyone's posts, and helped me choose a winning comment. As I'm now ready to go back through all my chapters and tighten everything up, Chayton's comments stood out for sure. His suggestions will not only help me edit this chapter but also my entire book. I found it amazingly difficult to select the 1st and 2nd runner ups. (Everyone's ideas were so well thought out!) I have to give warm honorable mentions to these writers as well: Charlotte_59, Tegan1311, JesseSprague, Aviatrix427, and Lamer7! (I will be using suggestions from all of you in my revision. (THANK-YOU!)

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Author #2: RutherJake

Book Title:One Who Speaks With Silence

Specified Chapter: Dawn

Summary Thus Far in Book: N/A

Author's Note: This is the first time I have been spotlighted and I would love to take this little chance to thank Dawn for introducing me to this wondrous society of writers, authors and readers. Thank you so much!

I also express tonnes of gratitude to you, talented artists with striking thoughts for your marvellous existence in my perspective of this world.

The short novel wasn't written in any of my joyous moods, so pardon me for its saddening vibes, if you feel them. Apologies from the bottom of my heart.

Questions :

1. Would you continue reading? 

2. How can I improve this chapter, to enhance its density and depth?

3. This novel is originally intended to give the reader silent multiple messages throughout the journey it provides. Does it serve its purpose and how can I improve?

Please feel free to say whatever you feel about the novel, be it negative or positive. Your emotional reaction too, is important to me. Thank you so much!

Genre: Short Story/General Fiction

Rating: PG

Winning Comment:

Dear Jake,

I really liked this first chapter, partly because of the simplicity and innocence that I felt in the voice of the main character. The MC's first meeting with the strange foreign boy in the park, especially their attempts at communication, I found very endearing. You have the start here of a very engaging story. Now, having said this, I have a few recommendations for you to consider for improving your story. Here I will only focus on ways you can deepen those playground scenes. When it comes to the two mini-scenes at the playground, I would like to suggest really deepening these scenes by adding more actions, keeping the readers' attention on the scene (and not jumping back and forth to the present during the scene), and layering/embedding in details around the scene. [In a nutshell, these concepts illustrate the old adage of showing versus telling, but they will also show how you can embed small actions with internal thoughts and gestures that reveal feelings.] Here I will unpack each of the two mini-scenes and offer a possible revision.

Original Paragraph: It was your appearance that kept me there, frozen. [Don't tell, but show. This description gives little for the reader to image.] As a kid, I had never been out of town. And the only people I saw there were black-haired, brown-skinned, and black-eyed. Many were good-looking, indeed. And that was my 10 year-old self's assumption of what normal is. [First, I liked these few lines. Remember, this should be "was" and not "is".] I do feel red-faced at the moment, but I'll admit it: you were totally alien to me. [Here you switch between present tense and past tense. Stay in the past right now. I like the idea of "alien" here, but you might need to move that idea to later.] While everyone were proud of their dense black hair, you had golden. My mother used to tell me that she loved my deep black eyes. You had blue. [Here, you give the reader some indication of what the boy looks like.] *So, revisions goals are to show some of the foreignness of the boy and communicate the MC's curiosity. Also, we want to show the interaction between the two. Possible revision: Then I noticed your foreign features. I stopped frozen. Surely, you must have noticed me, because you shifted your gaze down toward your feet. As a kid, I had never been out of town. And the only people I saw were black-haired, brown-skinned, and black-eyed. Many were good-looking, indeed. And that was my 10 year-old self's assumption of what normal was. While everyone was proud of their dense black hair, yours was golden. My mother used to tell me that she loved my deep black eyes. You had blue eyes. *Not a lot of revisions here, but just enough to increase some of that interaction.

Original paragraph: And that was our first day together in the playground. [This sentence is redundant.] I sat a few steps away from you, careful not to disturb your quiet space, removed my books from my schoolbag, and pretended to dig myself inside them; alert of every single moving thing around me. [Nice action sequence here. I recommend changing "every single moving thing around me" and replace it with "alert of your every single move." Reason being is that if the MC was alert to everything, then the reader would expect to see descriptions of the rest of the children in the park and other events happening.] It wasn't really your appearance anymore that kept me startled. It was the similitude among us. [Might be better to show this in terms of mental action. I'll tinker with this in the possible revision below.] I was a ten year-old. But I wasn't that stupid. Haha. [We already know the MC is ten; this line I think interrupts the flow of where you are going.] You sat the way I did. You moved your feet across the grass the way I did. You had a large notebook in your hand, which your palm found difficult to balance, so you held it the way I held my textbooks. And most of all, you uncomfortably noticed me the way I did. [I really loved these lines.] Who were you? Why were you even there? I had no idea back then. I have no idea right now. [These questions (Who were you? Why were you even here?) are excellent, but I recommend moving them into another paragraph and brining the scene to a close.]

Possible revision: I sat a few steps away from you, careful not to disturb your quiet space, removed my books from my schoolbag, and pretended to dig myself inside them; alert of your every single move. I had never seen a boy who looked like you before, and the more I watched you the more I became startled by the similitude between us. You sat the way I did. You moved your feet across the grass the way I did. You had a large notebook in your hand, which your palm found difficult to balance, so you held it the way I held my textbooks. And most of all, you uncomfortably noticed me the way I noticed you. We said nothing to each other, but somehow I recognized you. I had no idea who you were or why you were there in my spot at the park. We had been stealing curious glances at each other, but someone called out to you in a language I didn't understand. You shrugged and stood up, dusted yourself off, and ran off. *Again, also notice the revision here shows more of that interaction between the MC and the boy. These suggested revision do not really call for a lot more elaboration, but rather try to focus your writing into the details and interaction occurring from this one moment.

Scene 2: Playing ball

You appeared at the playground again after a few days, but this time, I had my spot. [Nice scene transition here.] I remember mentally celebrating my victory, but you crushed it the next moment by approaching me directly and speaking to me in a language that I recognized as extra-terrestrial: English. The spontaneous reaction my mouth gave were a few shrieking words in my own mother tongue. And you immediately burst into a short moment of laughter. I had enough of a reason to be embarrassed. [Instead of telling what happened here, show the reader what happened. Give us the actions here to help the reader see this and see the MC's surprise.] Thank you brother. Because in the end, it did its work of opening me up. [I am not sure this line works here. The MC is embarrassed. Feeling embarrassed doesn't make the person "open" up. Now, being hit with a colorful ball does, but that isn't until the next paragraph.]

Possible Revision: You appeared at the playground again after a few days, but this time, I had my spot. I remember mentally celebrating my victory as you stopped and stared at me. You appraised me with the glow of curiosity in your eyes. I drew my book bag closer, securing my claim. I wasn't going to move, no matter what. Then you smiled and walked in my direction. What were you doing? I felt my eyes widen when you stood right in front of me. I hugged my book tightly to my chest and shook my head no. You tilted your head and smiled. You spoke to me in a language that I recognized as extra-terrestrial: English. My mouth dropped open. You speak English? You spoke so fast, and the sounds tumbled out like some kind of foreign music. I answered back in my mother tongue, also eager, but my sounds came out shrieking and harsh. My words weren't as smooth. Then you immediately burst into fit of laughter. I felt my cheeks turning red. I should have learned English. I let the embarrassment wash over me, as I felt my body slump. *Notice how I tried to show the reader the scene and actions as they unfolded. Just by adding a little bit more details, I was able to paint a clearer picture. Again, we are not talking major rewrites, but rather a series of simple minor revisions here and there.

Original paragraph: It took me time to notice that you hadn't brought your large notebook with you. Instead, you had brought along an attractive colorful ball. [Show the reader this taking place] It took me even more time to realize you wanted to play with me, until you actually almost hit the inflated ball on my face. [Show the readers the English boy's efforts to communicate that. Let the readers see this.] Thank you, brother. For being my first actual friend. It was a beautiful day. We didn't talk. Just giggled, played with the ball, fell on the ground and enjoyed each other's company. Do you remember? [These last few lines are more of a summary and reflection of what happened. I think you should move the sentence about not talking in front of the others. Then move the reflection part into its own paragraph. See how you separate describing what is occurring in the past from speaking in the present?] Possible revision You still stood in front of me, waiting for me to look up, but my eyes were cast down. You shifted your foot. That's when I glanced up at you and finally noticed that you hadn't brought your large notebook. Instead, you had an attractive colorful ball. You held it up to show me. Were you showing off? I stared at the ball, feeling a tiny bit of envy bubbling in my stomach. You tossed the ball up and down, even bounced it on the ground in front of me. I frowned. Finally, you toss the inflated ball right at my face, almost hitting me. You laughed when I blocked it back. Then you tossed to me again. That's when I realized you wanted to play with me. I let my book drop and stood up, ready to catch the ball now. We tossed it back and forth, bounced it against the ground to each other, and kicked it around. We didn't talk. Just giggled and played ball, fell on the ground and enjoyed each other's company. Thank you, brother. For being my first actual friend. It was a beautiful day. Do you remember?

Okay, as you can see in these revision, I am suggesting showing the reader more about what is occurring in these playground scenes. Here's a quick summary of the strategies that I am suggestions. In the revisions I did the following things: 1) Describe more actions 2) Embed and interweave small details 3) Show emotions through gestures and internal thoughts 4) Separate the descriptions of things occurring in the past from the dialogue occurring in the present into different paragraphs Overall, these revisions were not too extensive, but sometimes revisions don't have to be a complete overhaul to be effective. I hope you can apply some of these ideas to your future chapters. Good luck on the revisions and keep on writing! Chayton

Network with this Winner: ChayAvalerias

1st Runner Up: Heavenlyhash333

2nd Runner Up: ElanorMiller 

Final Author's Note: Man, that was a long, unbelievable experience. So many reviews and suggestions and advices coming at a such a fast pace! And every ingle comment had something or the other to say, that was worth reading. I am so honored to be part of this wonderful society!

All these comments were so helpful and I really had a hard time choosing the winners and the runner ups. All comments were of so much quality. I wish I could give them an equal, high amount of respect that they deserve. But there were some comment i consider blessings i swear. I'd like to thank all of you, and especially ChayAvalerias, Heavenlyhash333 , eaconmiskey , JesseSprague, Aviatrix427, ElanorMiller, paolojcruz, a-dora-ble, AceofCups, and especially Tetras. Thank you all and thank you, Dawn for this wonderful week!

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Author #3 [NBR Board Member]: swiftiegirl1010

Book Title: Magaia: The Sisters

Specified Chapter: Chapter 18: Panther Demons

Summary Thus Far in Book: Many things started to get out of hand ever since Megan was saved by five Mind Bender teens from soul-sucking ghouls. She was accused of being an Asynithis—a Mind Bender with more than two abilities—by Rachel Stewart. Being an Asynithis meant your magic aura was more stronger than normal MBs, which meant more people could sense that aura from further distances. And with a mass murderer on the loose, this immediately made Megan's friends afraid that Megan would endanger them all, leading them to secretly plan to send her away. This led Megan to run away from Castle Caldinburgh with the aid of Prince Kyle of Caldinburgh, after a dark voice lurking in her head made her do something unforgivable. Little did she know that she was followed by the five other teens trying to stop her, but instead got dragged into Megan's escape plan as well.

Author's Note: Firstly, I want to thank Dawn for letting me be in the spotlight, it's a huge honor. And thanks you in advance to those who will be commenting on this chapter! I also want brutal honesty as well (mentally preparing myself ).

For my questions:

1. Did I describe everything alright, or was I lacking something and if so, how should I improve?

2. How can I make the characters more three-dimensional?

3. Any other thoughts, opinions, or ways to improve?

Once again, thank you so much! 

Genre: Science Fiction/Fantasy

Rating: PG

Winning Comment: Hi swiftie!

Was looking forward to checking out your chapter :) Nice genre ;) Ok, here I go...

"Ed sternly said" —> "Ed said sternly." Split infinitive thing. Grammar-wise, it's generally frowned upon. Have the modifier after the verb it's modifying.

You had her in internal dialogue italics on "Bounced on the barriers?..." but I wondered if you should apply the italics to "Then that meant..." as well because that's a distinctly inner voice, esp since it led to her going "Wait, then this isn't Leevre?" I mean, the "Then that meant..." could go either way, really, but it just seemed more consistent to me if you did that italics too since u did it later on.

"This fact greatly disturbed her." —> "This fact disturbed her greatly." Split infinitive thing again lol

Hmmm, you might want to qualify that Ed was responding to Peter's comment because I thought that he was responding to Megan's thought-question of "Call an army of demons?" So something like: "Exactly," Ed nodded at Peter, then looked at Megan. "If you want a quick trip to Leevre..." I changed 'journey' to 'trip' as journey connotes a lengthy thing and is in contrast with the adjective "quick".

Dialogue tags. This was something I was "conferencing" with (twin_cities) about but the consensus in "But for our situation..." where the sentence is not finished is that the next pronoun "he" should be a lower cap h. Therefore, "But for our situation..." he sighed, "this was what I was trying to explain..." Just keep the whole thing one sentence rather than ending it at "he sighed" since he was still talking.

"Once again – great job, Megan."

How does someone open their mouth angrily? (or angrily open their mouth?) Do you mean something like: "Megan was annoyed. How was she to have known? Technically, it was Peter and Ed's fault.

I'm not sure what to recommend as I'm not sure what you meant here. But I've given you my views on animal behaviour so I'll leave it to you to correct as per your intentions.

I separated your clauses, clarified your pronouns to avoid a double "their/they", kept the actions of her about to open her mouth and being interrupted close to each other, so that readers don't forget it by the time she went through her angry musings, and corrected your preposition of "in" to "through" as the sound had to have travelled to have gotten to them. This is in contrast to something like "The Tenor's note hung in the air." or "The silence was thick in the air." where the noun's action was not one of travelling to affect the subjects around it, if that makes sense. Ie if the growled were to have rumbled int the air, it would've meant that it stayed still. If it did, it might not have reached them enough to grab their attention. Does that make sense? For something to have interrupted, it has to *reach* the subject that it's interrupting. To do that means it can't be stationary.

Hmmm, you used "air" twice in the same para. I'd suggest changing the first one then. Maybe change it to "...when a deep growl rumbled behind them." or something like that.

The creature writhed and thrashed on top of Ed. Why did it do that? Its gotten its claws onto him. When a predator has clutched onto its prey like that, if it were to writhe and thrash around, it would be bringing the prey thrashing around with it. Think of a crocodile. When he has grabbed his prey in his jaws, he'd writhe and thrash the prey down to the depths of the river with him. The point is to drag the prey down and immobilise the prey further. However, in this case, Ed can't have been struggling because you've written that this was happening almost detachedly from ie "on top of Ed". That's not a logical thing as, being that its claws were dug onto his back, the creature's thrashing about would've ripped Ed's back off. I'm not sure what to recommend as I'm not sure what you meant here. But I've given you my views on animal behaviour so I'll leave it to you to correct as per your intentions.

"a red beam of light sliced through the air." again with the noun "air". Since it sliced the creature, I'd suggest you write "At that moment, a red beam of light sliced through the creature. It split in half with a sickening _splat_ (to emphasise the onomatopoeia), spewing red all over Ed."

"quickly scrambled" —> "scrambled" would be fine as that denotes a sense of 'quickly' plus it'd avoid unnecessary modifier and split infinitive issues.

See, "he didn't seem hurt much." doesn't gel with the fact that the creature had thrashed about wildly before.

"... Peter standing over the dead creature, <comma> his sword dripping..."

"Daphne frantically rushed towards her brother..." —> "Daphne rushed to her brother." Rushed denotes a sense of urgency, which is similar to "frantic".

"Peter eyes the creature..." —> "Peter eyed the creature..." Tense.

"He clenched his sword tightly, as if he feared another monster was going to strike again." —> "He tightened his grip on his sword, not wanting to be caught unprepared if another were to strike again." Your version made me think that he's actually clenching over the blade of the sword. My version has the word 'grip' on it which evokes a 'handle' somewhere on the sword. And your version of the subordinate clause about why he's tightening his grip was a bit unnecessarily speculative. It took the edge off the tension. But, bear in mind, in doing so, I've changed the POV to 3rd party omniscient. In your version, you were only in Megan's head (3rd party limited). Tbh, most Fantasy novels, even high/epic fantasy ones, are loose with their 3rd party limited/omniscient delineation. In your case, because you're got so many chars happening, I felt it was ok and wouldn't lose the readers if you just switched to 3rd party omni for that one moment with Peter and his sword. You that all of them were _literally_ pulled into this mess. She was about to tell them that—the terse words were on the tip of her tongue—when a deep growl rumbled through the air." <— here,"

I separated your clauses, clarified your pronouns to avoid a double "their/they", kept the actions of her about to open her mouth and being interrupted close to each other, so that readers don't forget it by the time she went through her angry musings, and corrected your preposition of "in" to "through" as the sound had to have travelled to have gotten to them. This is in contrast to something like "The Tenor's note hung in the air." or "The silence was thick in the air." where the noun's action was not one of travelling to affect the subjects around it, if that makes sense. Ie if the growled were to have rumbled int the air, it would've meant that it stayed still. If it did, it might not have reached them enough to grab their attention. Does that make sense? For something to have interrupted, it has to *reach* the subject that it's interrupting. To do that means it can't be stationary.

Hmmm, you used "air" twice in the same para. I'd suggest changing the first one then. Maybe change it to "...when a deep growl rumbled behind them." or something like that.

The creature writhed and thrashed on top of Ed. Why did it do that? Its gotten its claws onto him. When a predator has clutched onto its prey like that, if it were to writhe and thrash around, it would be bringing the prey thrashing around with it. Think of a crocodile. When he has grabbed his prey in his jaws, he'd writhe and thrash the prey down to the depths of the river with him. The point is to drag the prey down and immobilise the prey further. However, in this case, Ed can't have been struggling because you've written that this was happening almost detachedly from ie "on top of Ed". That's not a logical thing as, being that its claws were dug onto his back, the creature's thrashing about would've ripped Ed's back off.

could get away with minor spattering of a lax POV adherence. However, if you really wanted to stick with 3rd party limited then: "He tightened his grip on his sword, and looked prepared for another onslaught should more of these creatures be about." something like that. Don't have Megan speculating then.

"Now that the _thing_ was dead and still,..." cut out the "still". Dead things don't usually move so the extra adjective was unnecessary and made me think you were using a conjunction version of the word instead.

If the black coat blended in perfectly with her dark surroundings, how is it that she's able to see anything now then? Does she have night vision or has she conjured up a light source?

"she could easily see the insides..." —> "she could see clearly see the insides..."

Ok. When you get to your action scenes, I suggest going with clipped sentences.

"Megan's ears perked up as she heard another rumbling growl, and the grass rustled one again. This time, they parted as thirteen of the same black creatures silently approached the six Mind Benders." —> "Megan's ears perked. She heard another growl. It rumbled like the creature before and the grass rustled again. They parted and went into battle formation. Thirteen of the same black launched at them." When you keep the sentences crisp, it hikes up the tension and speeds up the rhythm. In this way, you're mirroring what the chars are feeling to the readers. And I cut out "silently approached" because it's not as active sounding as "launched". Approach implies an easiness. And the creatures can't be silent. You mean that they were stealthy, right? It's probably not necessary to state that since they are no longer stealthy once the group has seen them.

Oooh kay... I see here that the creatures DID approach the group. The reason why I thought they were launching at them was because of the "rustle" verb. For grass to rustle, there'll need to be rapid movements. Plus, before, there was a rustle and the creature did things be practically unkillable when Peter has killed one very easily before? And Ed's dialogue is out of sync in logic. The direct dialogue before was that the creatures were unkillable. Ed then says "then that's what we'll do." what? We'll unkill the creature? Que? And then we see that he's actually replying to what someone said before about running. You need to keep your dialogues connected. If Ed is talking about running, by this time, we'd have forgotten that he's replying to the previous "Run!" statement so you need to remind the readers with "And that's why we won't kill them." Ed said pointedly. He sliced the head off his demon, splattering blood on his face and cried, "we'll run!" You see what I mean? Keep the dialogues in a logical, linear sequence. Chopping and changing them is murder for coherency and in the middle of an action sequence, it's totally bad form and will leave your readers behind. And u can't lose your readers here. We'll get shredded by the creatures while we're standing around trying to figure out what Ed meant. That's not cool.

Did we need to know that Megan turned her attention away from the demon? If you just wrote "Megan stopped fighting the demon before her and turned. She ran like she's never ran before, dropping her duffel bag in the process. Everything became a blur of yellow and black as she sprinted." have I lost any detail from your narrative? Observe here, what I've done was the same as I've done with your previous paras – I've clipped the unnecessary descriptions and kept the clauses that are related—ie the running—together.

For someone to register a tickle, they'd have to be at peace. A tickle is a very subtle sensation. When you're sprinting with adrenaline coursing through your veins, you won't be registering subtle sensations. You'd be registering that "the tall grass whipped at her face". No subtle tickling or "brushing at her cheeks".

Inches away from her face isn't that far away at all. I suggest you revise it to read that the creature was only a few feet away, nipping at her ankles. Keep the distance realistic. Otherwise, if it's that close to her face, that means it's in claw-gripping distance to her body already.

Her soaks are on her feet in her shoes. How does the creature's blood splatter onto that? Unless she's not wearing shoes? Can she not register the warm blood on her legs instead? That's more logical and realistic.

"Up ahead, Megan saw a wall. It was red and shimmered. And curved slightly to shield a forest nearby." When you're having adrenaline, you're not going to be bothered with modifiers. You'd see a wall. Plain and simple. And then another snippet, you'd notice that the wall was red. And then other things about it would come to you in simple linear order. Definitely not all together in one long sentence.

Was she actually having a slight spasm as the "thought with a jolt" suggests? I recommend: "_The borders! I'm almost there." The exclamation mark tells us the way she thought it. Show, not tell.

Not sure about the world here. You did mention, on your blurb, that they're on Earth but was kept separate because of persecution. I'm querying the settings placement because of the reference to "submarine". Is it possible for her to know what a submarine is given the world she's in? I'll leave that for you to answer as you'd know your previous chapters. I've only had a read of your blurb, had a peek at the first chapter and am NBRing this chapter.

Keep off the lyrical with the action scenes. "That was when three arrows were shot simultaneously..." —> "Then, three arrows shot past her and buried themselves into the demon's body."

If Megan was able to phase through, why would there be a "Slam!"? A slam denotes an obstruction. There wasn't an obstruction here.

I would recommend rewriting the scene where the demons called their own. You said that Megan looked up. I'm assuming she saw them swarming down a hillside. There was a forest nearby, how could she launch itself at Ed. So since u're using the same verb again, I thought that u were keeping consistent with what you described before. Esp since the group responded by mobilising ie parting, to meet the creatures. If you're wanting to say that the creatures moved through the grassy growth then it's a matter of "and the grass parted. The group watched their approach with wary stares. The creatures' eyes shone through the darkness. Near the cadaver (corpse is usu for humans), one panther-scorpion nudged a half with its nose. When the dead one didn't respond, the nudging creature keened in a high shrill and rattled its tail."

"Ed?"<quotation marks> said Daphne nervously.

And that's what I was going to ask... the creatures are part scorpion. That means Ed is poisoned. Where be the effects? He's not showing any symptoms. AND how would he know that the tails are poisonous?

Try to downsize the dialogue during action scenes. I understand it's sometime's cute and show humour, but unless you do it effectively it seriously downgrades the drama and tension. If you still want to keep the length of the talking I suggest interspersing it with the action.

"Well," Lucy yelled, swishing her whip around, "running does seem like the best option right now!" She sliced the back of a demon, leaving a wide a gash."

Cut down on the descriptions, seriously. We don't need to know that the slice was through as opposed to another type of slice (into, onto, against, whatever). We don't care that it's a different demon she's cut. They're all targets for us in this fight scene. And wide is as good as open. Keep things moving.

"The demon growled and turned to her, ignoring its wound. "Yikes!" Lucy gulped, "these things are practically unkillable!" Show, not tell. We know that Lucy's reaction plus the creature's undeterred growl means that it was unfazed. We know that, given the situation, Lucy's gulp isn't going to be one of confidence. Show these things in other ways.

Btw, how can these have seen them? What are the surroundings in this area like? How far reaching is the forest? Where does it end and where does a clear area that is high (I say high because Megan looked up) begin? All this time, I really have no idea how she can see anything. You mentioned before about the demon camouflaging with its surrounds. That suggests to me that the lighting is dark. You'll need to clear that up because for her to see the last demon giving her a smug look, she'd need good lighting since that demon was standing before Peter. And how can it be just that one last demon? What happened to the one Rachel tried to kill but couldn't? How many were there? I thought Rachel had some chasing her as well. If not, that means there was only that one demon, with 3 arrows, that were chasing after Daphne, Rachel and Megan. For the fact that the three gals are armed, why would such a creature provide any threat?

For the demons to be at Peter, Ed and Lucy's heels, that's pretty close. That's 8000 demons nipping at their heels. That's highly unrealistic. And then you say that the demons were nearing the borders. You need to get your distance descriptions corrected because at present, there's no way these kids are going to survive given how close these guys are, or are not. Mess around with measurements of feets, fathoms, yards, leagues.

How does green eyes reflect the light of the silvery moon and why is this detail even noticed at such an intense life-or-death moment?

Again, cut out the lyrical, or rather, the theatrical. "Nobody answered, but Megan knew the unspoken words that hung in the air." —> "Nobody answered. Megan knew what everyone was thinking: they were done. There was too many of the demons. They couldn't fight them. Death was here." In action scenes, choose dramatic over theatrical. Choose the ominous over the lyrical prose.

Ok, so the others are outside the border while Megan is inside. The demons were at their heels before and neared the border. And yet, Daphne looking at at this point? Was she looking at the demon, and therefore had her back to the rest of the gang? If so, how were they able to see her expression? How about "Daphne was rooted where she stood with fear."

Rachel shot arrows into the creature's eyes, yet it spewed ichor from its tail... what? How did the drops sizzle onto her shirt? You mean the drops splashed onto her shirt? Why shouldn't she ignore the poison when it didn't seem to have affected Ed? Why would Daphne whimper from her injuries? She's not a dog.

How did Rachel's shirt get ripped open? And how do ribs get "torn to rags of flesh"? Ribs are bones. If you're trying to say that her ribs are exposed, that's pretty severe. There's no way someone can just resist that kind of pain. Think of it. Your flesh is burnt away by acid (similar to the poison burning away her flesh, I gather that's what you're trying to say). Have you ever had corrosive acid on your skin before? It's not something that you can keep quiet and stoic about.

Torn ribs? So now her ribs are broken as well? How the hell would she survive a piggyback ride then? It's not just a matter of biting her "aaahhhh", she'd literally pass out.

Ed and Daphne, Asian siblings. Ed gets hurt first and Daphne gets portrayed as a traitorous dog. *cough* racist overtones *cough*

Peter's got Rachel over his shoulder and Lucy decides to tap him on the shoulder. How does she not disturb Rachel. Could she not just go "psst" to get his attention? Wouldn't the last thing she wants to do is to disturb or potentially disturb Rachel? And why isn't Rachel bleeding to death? Her insides are exposed and broken.

Ooooh kay... now... onto your questions:

1. Did I describe everything alright, or was I lacking something and if so how should I improve?

I think I've gone through and given you examples of where you can tighten things up.

2. How can I make the chars more 3D?

I don't quite know what to say to this. I think, the problem I was finding was that Daphne is still able to throw a fit at Megan. AND Megan is actually going through guilt reminiscing at

this moment? I get that Ed teleported Peter, him and Lucy from where the demons were nipping at their heels. What confused me was that, if the demon throng were so close, how was it possible that they weren't able to jump into the teleportation portal too? And since Megan can hear what Peter and Lucy were saying, even see the demon stare smugly at her, I'm assuming the demon (and its throng) were pretty close. Close enough to not allow these Garrisons the time they have at the moment arguing among themselves.

Cut down or do not use the word "suddenly" at all to start a sentence. An author friend once suggested that it was the hallmark of amateur writing. When I read on my narrative that has it, I tend to agree. It shows a lack of confidence in my ability to describe the scene succinctly. I do use it but limit it to a max of two in my novels. And only only if it is reeeeally the right word to use to evoke a certain mood or rhythm. Here, you've used it quite a lot and it's not necessary. I've neglected to offer suggestions for the previous times it's happened but here "Suddenly, the area of the barrier she was touching with her fingers..." —> "Where her fingers met the barrier, the wall shattered. The shield bits, red and glassy, flew in every direction..."

You've used the word "shattered" twice. Use something else.

Was there a reason why Daphne became "The Asian girl"? I'm querying as race has not been a descriptive thing for any of the other chars at all. And in the context of her eyes widening, in this sentence, it could come across as a somewhat racially unfortunate arrangement of syntax. Plus, gee, nice white colonial lens to put the Asian char as the traitor. Very "Avatar: The Last Airbender", the movie, a la the M Night Shyamalan whitewashed version where the Asian was the villain. And being that you're using the terms "benders", hmmm... Anyway, where was the scenarios were highly unrealistic. Suspension of disbelief is a given for any fantasy reader but only to a certain extent. There are still some conventions that fantasy writers should follow, unless it is explicitly the thing that the writer has specified that she/he is toying around with in the story. Failing which, distance is definitely one convention that should be adhered to, esp given that Magaia still intersects Earth so they'd share similar physical conventions. A metre is still a metre, for example. Plus their reactions and behaviours, given the intense situation, was just off. The descriptions surrounding Rachel's injuries, the lack of "and then what" on Ed's poisoned wounds, and others I might've mentioned, was distracting. I felt like the story was written to accomodate the plot. They have to be pursued so, all of a sudden, the demons became unkillable. All the gang have to survive so Ed can't be debilitated in any way. That's not natural writing and shows bad form. Esp since it's flouting the rules you've made for your world yourself.

You've written that the creature too one slice of Peter's sword to kill, therefore, you have to follow your own conventions. You've written that Ed says they're poisonous, therefore, you have to follow your own conventions. If you're not even following the rules of your world, how will the readers take your world seriously? Fantasy writers spend a great deal of time doing extensive outlines of their world. Pages and pages and reams and reams of it with rules and conventions and magical terms and cause and effect investigations. When they're foraying into new scenes, they will always go back to those outlines to ensure that they don't flout their own rules. Consistency is a virtue. Hence you get hard core star trek/star wars fans up in arms over some char or world inconsistency that occurs in any episodes or movies. Those are sci-fi examples but sci-fi and fantasy are closely linked together in terms of these issues because they're both dealing with creating new conventions. One is in the future timeline on another planet perhaps; the other in the past or in another world/dimension.

Apologies if I sound harsh. I have no intention of being mean. As you can see, from my past feedbacks, I am nothing if not direct. Plus, this is my genre and so I'm an ultra stickler in regards to characterisation and world building in this genre. But, most of all, I'm giving you an honest feedback. My review is extensive and direct because I'm taking you seriously as a PEER fantasy writer. No fluff. No ego boost. Just plain honesty. Because the way I see it, you have an interesting storyline. Once you firm up the reactions and get the logic flowing in the scenes, I feel like I'd be able to sense your characters better. Right now, their voices are drowned by the erratic actions scenes. And I get the impression that your writing is still a tad tentative. Your syntax is still in its early stages of experimentation.

3. Any other tots, opinions or ways to improve?

Your creature descriptions are great. Spot on. There's no ambiguity in my mind of what the creature looks like at all. I can see you've got some magical rules going with the black being demonic and then some connotations of "wrong" with the red shield going to purple. I enjoyed how you've given the chars each their special abilities and weapons. The environment of this outside-Leevre place they've ported into was a bit basic in my mind but it could be excused for the adrenaline ride that the crew had ported themselves into. Life and death tend to take precedence over a scenic tour, I guess.

Any suggestions on how to improve has been mentioned before. Prob the one I'd emphasis is doing an outline of your world. Not only your world but your chars as well. And use those notes as your bible for when you're writing in your world. Don't rely on your memory and what you feel should be happening. Check with your own notes.

That's about it. Hope these comments help. If not, they make great whooshing sounds if you were to print them out and make paper airplanes out of them."

Network with this Winner: Tetras

1st Runner Up: Tegan1311

2nd Runner Up: ElanorMiller

Final Author's Note: I just have to say, wow, it was so hard choosing the winners for this. Every one of the comments were so helpful in their own way, each pointing out different things I could fix and improve on. I chose Tetras because she went so much in depth and pointed out some flaws I didn't even know myself! Tegan1311 and ElanorMiller pointed out very useful tips as well. Thank you so much, not only to these winners, but to everyone who gave me feedback! :) And another thank you to Dawn, who gave me an amazing opportunity to be in the spotlight. You rock!! ;)

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