Comment Tip: Every Wednesday, the winner, the winning comment and runner ups for the past round are announced within the chapter in which past authors were spotlighted. Go back to round 29, maybe you've won! Read up, study and learn from past winning comments. Work smart, not hard.

Comment Topic: How can the author accentuate/better the descriptors used to describe the world they've created? Be specific.

Enforcers will be on the lookout for non-quality comments.

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Author #1 [Wattpad Featured Author]:AlecHutson

Book Title: The Crimson Queen

Specified Chapter: Chapter 16 - Alyanna

Summary Thus Far in Book: The Crimson Queen is an epic fantasy that follows the adventures of a young boy after he manifests magical ability in a land that despises sorcerers. This chapter is from the perspective of the novel's antagonist, the immortal sorceress Alyanna. She is posing as a concubine in the imperial harem in the empire of Menekar, because this gives her influence over the empire through the emperor. In this chapter she is confronted by the black vizier, one of the advisers to the emperor, who has become suspicious of her. This adviser is originally from the Empire of Swords and Flowers, a land based off of ancient China, though he was raised in the Menekarian court. You'll also encounter the Chosen, which are demons that Alyanna stole away from the warlocks of Shan (another name for the Empire of Swords and Flowers). There's a lot more to the book, but I think that's all you need to know for this chapter.

Author's Note: First, thank you Dawn for all your efforts. It's an amazing group you've put together here, and we're so lucky to have you. Second, I'm sorry to my fellow NBR-ers that I'm dropping you into my book at about the 40% mark - I know things will be a little confusing - please just try and roll with it and don't worry if you don't understand everything. Okay! My questions:

1: what did you think of the dialogue - was each character distinct and was it interesting?

2: what did you think of Alyanna? I really wanted to try and create a villain that was unique and not just a typical fantasy bad guy (Sauron, Voldemort, etc) Did I succeed - does she intrigue you as a character based on this snippet?

Thank you all so much!

Genre: Fantasy

Rating: PG

Winning Comment: Hey Alec,

First up, congrats on being Featured. How's the view from the VIP existence? All champagnes and limos? :)

I'll just jot down anything that comes to mind as I read through your chapter.

The maid had mentioned a magical bird ie one, but Alyanna had "found the birds, a small tribe of them..." I was expecting something similar to The Nightingale when I read about the maid gushing over the magical bird ie one bird, as was in The Nightingale.

I don't know about you but WP mangles my em dashes. The editor changes it to a hyphen most times. I think that might've been what's happened to your chapter, "... in this garden - such as you, my dear - I do not..." —> "... in this garden—such as you, my dear—I do not..."

I was advised to capitalise the titles in my writing, so your line "Of course, my lord." would be "Of course, My Lord." as that is replacing Wen's name and is opposed to him being a generic "my lord".

Alyanna using her magic in front of the vizier is brazen. Tells me about her personality.

What's the Empire of Wind and Salt? The Empire of Swords and Flowers is Shan. Is the Empire of Wind and Salt Menekar?

I'm assuming the lower caps on your italicised telepathic dialogues are an intentional device? Because I wasn't aware it would be grammatically correct. Let me know if I'm wrong, I'd be interested.

You left some periods off in "the false man. the so-chin-jeng" and "...they were hunted to oblivion" because you haven't done that previously, I assumed it's an omission. Otherwise, if it's another device that you wish to experiment with, I'd suggest to keep it consistently styled.

I got a bit lost at the para "It would dispose of these Shan hunters. She was sure they had brought some sorcery to recapture the Chosen, but they could not possibly be prepared for the genthyaki." Who were the Its? The previous para's ending spoke of the living darkness which Alyanna had animated and bound its soul to hers, is that the "It" you were referring to?

If so, why would they dispose of the Shan hunters? She's among the Shan hunters, why would she animate the living darkness to dispose of her own warriors? And what had the living darkness to do with the Chosen? She had just been narrating about the hunt for the genthyaki previously. No correlation between using the animated darkness for the Chosen.

I see. There are two groups of hunters at work here – the Shan, who are trailing the Chosen, and Alyanna's band, who trailed the genthyakis. I would recommend clearing that up. Use the "It" and "they" here for the readers. I had to scroll up to keep track of who and what the pronouns were referring to, esp since the first "It" referred to the genthyakis and the "they" referred to the Shan hunters.

I would recommend that the demon-child said "yes, mistress," before you had him fade into the gathering shadows. Keep the actions chronological because once he's faded into the gathering shadows, there shouldn't be a second "... and was gone."

Alyanna's naked body... previously, she spoke about having had claw marks left on her form from encounters with the genthyakis. I'd imagine those were one of many magical creatures she'd battled with and if they'd left claw marks, the others might have as well. This means I'd be expecting scars on her body. I'm not sure if u addressed this before. To keep the pretence of a concubine, she'd expect to be completely flawless in skin and body. Definitely no battle scars to give off a past of something other than a mere female pleasure thing. Did she use magic to hide her scars? Or did they not scar? I'm left wondering how she could not have been scarred. Had she dealt with them in the past with an unguent or magic?

I'm assuming you explained the snake's connection with her in previous chapters? I'm mentioning this because the leap from "A dark shape slithered..." to the fact that it was a snake was abrupt for me, as a reader.

Ok, end of the chapter. I'll address your questions now.

1. what did u think of the dialogue - was ea char distinct & was it interesting?

I must admit, the dialogues were strange for me and for a very unusual reason. This is probably one of the few, if not only, story I've read where the dialogues carved a distinct sense of two diff chars and yet neither had any voice for me. Usually, when I get a sense of a delineation, there'd be a voice too.

I'll address your question on Alyanna before going back to your other main char, Wen.

2. what did u think of Alyanna? Really want to create a unique villain, did I succeed? Is she intriguing as a char based on this snippet?

You write well. In fact, you write very well. In terms of the NBR question, your world description, ie environmental and creatures, are very vivid. As Alyanna was walking through the gardens I could actually hear the insect songs and feel a certain sense of humidity while she was going through the flora and fauna. The jungle scenes were rich and fantastically done. It made me homesick for my own jungley hometown.

I loved how you talked about the peacocks. The myth behind them was very Greek for me. Tho I'm Asian, I'm not aware whether the Chinese think that way about the peacocks. If they don't, it was a very nice mix of the East and West.

For me, a good writer is one who takes his time and has a clear and well laid out syntax. Each of your sentences lead nicely and logically to the next like a well paved path to a conclusion. I know that might seem such a strange and low standard to measure by, but u'd be surprised at how some writers chop and change their narrative and pack it too full of complicated things that end up being a tangle of a prose. I felt like I was watching you build the story one at a time with Lego's building blocks and seeing how the construction was taking shape was highly satisfying. That's how I feel about your narrative style.

There wasn't any surprises for me, there was just a sense of a trust in a nice ride and that's the best type of feeling for a Fantasy story. Surprises are ok but trust is better, imho. And I trusted you to take me through your fantastical vision and it was great.

Now, back to Alyanna... I think, at the point where she talks about the sorcerers of Kalyuni's Star Towers being as bad as the women of any harem, that's the point where she became "common" for me. Not only that, but it became apparent to me that it was a male writing writing a female's POV even tho the char, and hence the narrator, is female. Up till that point, I was kinda ok with thinking of the whole lens as from a woman's POV until that para jarred me back to reality.

I'm not sure how to describe this and I'll probably get flamed for this but I've rarely, if ever, read a realistic and decent woman's POV written by a male writer. When I say that I mean realistic and decent in the sense that when you're with the female char, you totally forget the gender of the writer. You are completely immersed in the belief that the gender of the char is the gender of the voice. I've read one other story that came SO close but then fell apart prob like 10 chapters into the book and it was painfully obvious that it was a male writer and the female char's personality wasn't realistically female.

In regards to Alyanna, when she thought those things about the sorcerers and women of the harem, I get the impression of a disdain for womenkind, and I don't find that completely consistent with the fact that she had thought that eunuchs were "just as petty as any other men" and, later, that "Men were fools, whole or not".

I am aware, through my own deductions from her recounting of her magical hunts, that she is no longer a normal human. She is immortal through dark magic. Therefore, I'd expect a disdain for humans, regardless of gender.

But her thoughts seem to suggest a discrimination towards men, in particular, with also a very unfavourable view of women. In short, if you were trying to carve her as a non-human dark magicker human, I would suggest changing the narrative to point out a disdain to all humans, with no particular mention of gender. Or to emphasise that she's viewing the affairs of mere mortals as the genders fight for supremacy over affairs of passion or glory and riches. Does that make sense?

Let me give you an example:

"Alyanna had, during her long life, known more than a few eunuchs, and she had found them just as petty as any other men – (en dash, I believe, which is longer than a hyphen) perhaps more so. The desire for women was replaced by the desire for glory and riches. The eunuch order that had served the sorcerers of Kalyuni's Star Towers were no better than the women of any harem. All spent vast energies in raising their own status relative to their rivals; plotting to gain a foothold in power. And all were fools: men, women or eunuch.

Aryanna did not mention this to Wen. Instead, she smiled and fluttered her lashes, pretending sweet insipidness.

It made no difference to her. They were all pliable, easily bent to her will."

In this way, for me, Alyanna exhibited a haughty contempt for all mortals. Her power, arrogance and confidence in her own abilities—coupled with her brazen use of sorcery in the presence of the vizier—was delineated through her thoughts. This tells me she is to be met with as a person of great magical power, not just a mere mortal involved with the petty affairs of gender competition.

Previously, in your version, I felt that Alyanna was mortal because of her inconsistency in sexism. That deflated her "aura" for me as a villain and her later accounts of her magical feats didn't gel with the image of her prior to the recounting.

I'm not really sure if I'm making sense here... but basically, I guess, what I'm trying to say is that I'm not sure how you're wanting to portray her. I'm not getting a clear picture in my mind of what she is. From her previous dialogues with Wen, she came across as a cocky young lass who is powerful... but cocky. I felt that Wen had more the power than she. He definitely came across as a more 3D char for me and he had control of the situation, in my eyes.

When he left, all I'm getting is what the Chosen has warned her about: don't underestimate the warlocks of Shan, don't underestimate Wen. And so that made her a small villain of little threat. I don't believe this is how you want to portray her at all. And if she is the only villain, or the main villain, in your story, then I'd definitely expect this isn't how you want her to be felt.

Hence, I would recommend that you keep her "non-mortalness" at the fore. You've already described the bi-sexual aspect of her, which seems to be a hallmark trait for Asian dark magicker villains, so keep that dark magicker, necromantic thing going with an ambivalence to side with any gender. Remember, she is no longer mortal, so what does she care about either? In this way, you by-pass that whole aspect of believable female POV writing. You draw on your strength, which is writing about magical villains, rather than a gendered villain as, at the moment, Alyanna is coming across to me only as a gendered villain and not a very believable one. Does that make sense?

I hope I answered your question about Alyanna. Oh, I have to talk about Wen... abt your dialogues and chars...

I got more a sense of Wen than Alyanna, tbh. Wen, though only present for a short time, had more presence than she. Even so, neither had a voice for me. Alyanna's dialogue, as I'm reading it, sounded flat, young and inexperienced with a taint of arrogance. Wen was deeper, but sounded like he was reciting. Neither really packed a punch. And when I say "punch", I'm looking for "oomph", "power". Wen had more but even so, it wasn't enough to cement him to me as an absolute.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I didn't feel invest in either but, as chars go, I "felt" Wen more.

I'll end here because I know you'll get far more helpful comments than mine. But if you are interested in any further clarification, don't hesitate to give me a holler.

Cheers. And I enjoyed your chapter, btw. Thanks for sharing it.

Network with this Winner: Tetras

1st Runner Up: Tegan1311

2nd Runner Up: wordsinsilk

Final Author's Note: Hi all! Thank you so much for all of your wonderful comments! Sifting through them and choosing a few favorites was extremely difficult – made more so because so many were filled with kind words, and of course I'd really love to choose those ones as a thank you . . . . but of course, this is a critique group so I should pick from the pool of comments that offered some substantive advice for improvement. Before I start, I'd just like to give a quick shout out to some of the commentators who wrote excellent, helpful comments – the runners-up to the runners-up. So thank you VioletSun5, karriezai and ChayAvalerias (this one was particularly great I wish I could choose four winning comments!), Aviatrix and swiftiegirl1010.

Of the final three, my two runner's up are Tegan1311 and wordsinsilk. Tegan was extremely thorough and helpful in breaking down my sentences and showing where I'd made some mistakes, particularly with my use of commas, and also asking some great questions about things that I should try and clarify. wordsinsilk wrote an extremely eloquent and helpful comment and also pointed out where I should elaborate on things to make them clearer, and also very rightly pointed out that some of my sentences should be broken down in order to improve the flow and pacing.

My top comment is from Tetras. The reason is because she spent the space of about 5 comments talking about Alyanna, and honestly feedback about her is what I most wanted to hear. Tetras made fantastic points about how as a male writer I'm stereotyping too much when I write about her, and that my male-ness comes through way too much to make her realistic. Obviously, I was a bit disappointed to hear this, but it's fantastic feedback (and accurate, I think) and I can only try and improve my portrayals of women. There were also all sorts of other helpful nuggets buried in these (7!) pages of comments, but it was the extended discussion of Alyanna that I really appreciated.

Thank you all very, very much – I was wish I was anywhere nearly as good of a critiquer as the names I listed above.

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Author #2 [Wattpad Featured Author, NBR Talent Scout]:IVM992

Book Title: Moons Made of Muskets

Specified Chapter: Chapter 3 - Cauldron Bubble

Summary Thus Far in Book: The narrator is Stewart Casey. He and his friend and colleague Marie Mirabeau run a small private detective business in Montreal. In the last chapter, Stewart and Marie were hired by a historian named Dr. Gregory Gagnon to locate his missing colleague Estelle Desaunier.

Author's Note: Thank you NBR community for this opportunity at the Spotlight! I'd be interested in getting your thoughts on 1) the narrator's voice - is he personable/relatable? 2) if you had to pinpoint one pivotal moment, what would it be? 3) What do you think of the diction and sentence structure?

Genre: Paranormal

Rating: PG (no gore, no ghost or ghouls)

Winning Comment: Hi Ivy,

So far I have really enjoyed your book. I especially love your characterization of Marie and her relationship with Stewart. These two act as foils for each other: Stewart being the sensible one, Marie the opportunist. Stewart the cautious, Marie the impulsive. So, the characterization here works well. I also love the character quirk you gave Marie with her citing all those historical facts. Her voice becomes recognizable on its own. (Your earlier characterization works well to set this up.) Finally, crafting dialogue is one of your strongest points in the novel.

The only critique that sticks with me from my initial reading is that you planted two pieces of information about the characters without elaborating or giving readers the context to interpret the characterization. In Chapter 1, we learn that Stew feels "ashamed." He admits to not having a one-night stand often, but we are not quite sure if that is why he feels "ashamed," particularly because Marie seems so eager about it. Then in Chapter 2, Stew describes Simon as creepy, but we never actually know why he is so creepy. His initial dialogue might appear a little clingy, but I don't see the "creepy" in there.

Overall, your chapter is extremely well-written. I only identified a few areas where the scene could use more development. These areas have also been spotted by Ace of Cups (AceOfCups) and Inna (ihardison). I suspect that other reviewers will comment on these parts. So, I will narrow my comments to the scene where Marie and Stewart visit the house and descend the stairs. I will suggest adding another layer to the scene by embedding more of Stewart's emotion/mood.

I hope that these ideas will be helpful.

Best wishes,

Chay

Stewart's Changing Emotions/Mood (1/3)

One of the key aspects to presenting a scene involves the mood of the scene. For first person writing, the mood is often defined by the emotional and mental reactions of the protagonist to things in the setting and/or to actions as they unfold. Adding these elements can offer another layer to the scene as a whole. Martha Alderman and Jordan Rosenfield suggest that scenes encompass three basic elements: action, emotion, and themes. Like an onion, aspects of these can be layered on top of each other as the writers writes the scene. (Rosenfield identified other core elements of a scene to include: setting, the senses, character development/motivation, plot, subtext, drama, and scene intentions.)

So in the house visit and later stairway descent scenes, I would like to suggest that you consider enhancing more of the mood, especially as it shifts. To do this, you'll want to start by identifying what Stewart's core mood is through different parts of the scene. They might look something like this:

First impressions of house—Stewart is curious

Peering into back window—Stewart feels they have reached dead end and is doubtful

Identifying clues that led to the shed—Stewart feels intrigue

Finding the stairway—Stewart feels uncertain

Entering into the stairway/tunnel—Stewart feels claustrophobic and unsettled

Finding the door—Stewart is afraid

Inside the chamber—Stewart is cheeped out

Reading the letters—Steward is distracted and interested again

Door slamming shut—Steward is afraid again

Phone exploding—Steward is desperate to leave, but doesn't want to be too obvious

Inspecting the House

I agree with one of the comments about the need to show more details about the house. As a detective, Stewart should notice things. Here are three quick hints to make the transition from the house to the shed a tad bit more believable.

1) Please, give us more visual details. Stewart notes that "It was a decent house, but the property looked largely neglected." What does a "decent" house look like? How does Stewart know the house is "largely neglected." Add in just a little bit more description. E.g.: The lawn was overgrown and weeds protruded from an unattended garden. A small pile of newspapers had piled up outside the door. The property clearly had been neglected.

2) As detectives, they would want to gather clues about the house and what's in it. So, they would inspect the doorways and windows for signs of forced entry, peer into the windows to see inside the house (especially from the back yard), comb through the mailbox to see when the last delivered mail was post-marked (that will give them a rough estimate as to the length of time the place was neglected, also unpaid bills would suggest a sudden and unplanned disappearance). Some of these details should naturally come out in the description here.

3) Transition to the shed. In the current chapter, the movement of characters from the back door to the shed occurs too conveniently—it is not locked. However, it might be more realistic to provide the characters with some sort of clue that points them in the direction of the shed. For example, what if they see footprints (though somewhat faded in the show) leading from the porch to the shed. This would indicate that someone recently (last few days) had walked this pathway. Or maybe they spot a blood stain on the door that grabs their attention. Right now, the characters find their way to the shed just too easy and without much concern for the main house. So, it comes across as contrived and not believable.

Stewart's Changing Emotions/Mood (2/3)

Note that while these might be Stewart's reactions, Marie has a very determined and somewhat impulsive reaction to these events. Her curiosity outweighs any potential harm or threat she might face—as least until her phone explodes.

So, now that you have a sense of how Stewart's mood/emotions might change throughout different parts of the scene, you'll want to incorporate key phrases and words that accentuate these emotions and set the mood. I provide examples for the first four of these here:

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Action: Peering into back window

Mood/Emotion: Stewart feels they have reached dead end and is doubtful

We tried the backdoor. Locked like the front door had been. So, we peered in through the windows where the blinds had been left open. Inside, everything seemed orderly and well-kept. A blue sofa had multicolored pillows artistically arranged. The kitchen table was cleared and cleaned. Everything looked normal. I couldn't see any evidence that something had wrong had happened. I wondered if she had simply gone off to some conference and forgot to tell anyone.

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Action: Identifying clues that led to the shed

Mood/Emotion: Stewart feels intrigue

"Look at this," Marie said, pointing what looked like faded footprints in the snow. "Someone's walked this way recently." The footsteps led to the shed. Could this be our first important clue? We approached the shed door eagerly.

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Action: Finding the stairway

Mood/Emotion: Stewart feels uncertain

Below us was a staircase. What was a staircase doing hidden in a back shed? Where did it lead to? Was it even safe to go down there? "Do you think Desaunier is down there?" I asked.

**Note: I recommend that you have Marie yell, "Hello? Dr. Desaunier?" rather than Stewart. Marie is more impulsive. Stewart would be concerned about who else might be down there to hear them.*

Stewart's Changing Emotions/Mood (3/3)

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Action: Entering into the stairway/tunnel

Mood/Emotion: Stewart feels claustrophobic and unsettled

The staircase ended in a narrow hallway made of earthen walls. I could just see a door at the end of it, but the farther we moved towards it, the darker everything became. The walls seemed to fold inward on us. I tried to calm my breathing, but couldn't help feeling as if we were being swallowed up.

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I really think incorporating these responses from Stewart would really enhance the scene. I hope these ideas help. I am sure that you will also get other suggestions from other reviewers on this chapter that might address different parts or give a different perspective. I think this is what makes NBR  such a great community. We are all contributing to help the spotlighted author improve their chapters. That's what I call a team effort!

Happy writing!

Chay

Network with this Winner: ChayAvalerias

1st Runner Up:JesseSprague

2nd Runner Up:Glaciergirl2

Final Author's Note: Thank you NBR community for your helpful and constructive feedback!

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Author #3:butterballporkbun

Book Title: The Toy Makers

Specified Chapter: Chapter 2 - The Hospital Dolly

Summary Thus Far in Book: N/A

Author's Note:

What emotions do you get while reading this chapter?

Does this make you want to read further?

Genre: Horror/Paranormal

Rating: PG-13 (no gore, no violence)

Winning Comment: Omg this chapter spoke to me at a spiritual level because my grandmother has a lot of those creepy-looking porcelain dolls at her house. You know, the ones with the dead eyes and eerie smile, the ones that stare right through you and into your soul? Yeah, those ones. Those are the dolls I thought about when I read this chapter, or even those stuffed ones with the button eye hanging off. Either way, I'm glad I got rid of them a long time ago.

For some reason, your writing style reminds me a lot of anime, probably due to the attached images and stuff, but also because of the way your character speaks and behaves. Young, teenage girls tend to be over-dramatic, and this was very clear in the chapter. Quick, straight-to-the-point chapters seems to be your forte, and although I wouldn't opt for full-blown descriptions in this chapter because of all the action, I think there are some points where you could've been more descriptive, at least to help the reader feel better connected with your character

1. "When I woke up it was cold in my room and it was also dark."—> She just got drugged, so it would take her a while for her to really settle back into reality. It would work better for me if you describe her physical reaction to waking up, as well as the room around her. I need to see the darkness and feel the coldness.

2. "Once I got them unlocked I had to stumble my way out of bed because the medicine hadn't worn off yet."—> You later mention some sort of dollhouse. It would be good to make a point of it in this part too. Does she see red, beady eyes in the shadows? Are they dolls chanting some creepy song? Do the dollhouses float in and out of her vision?

3. "I tripped over one of the nearby dollhouses and stumbled face first into the cold padded wall."/ "I stumbled and tripped over my own feet falling to the floor."—> Repetition here. I want to see a bit more of a struggle, having her trip over more than once doesn't work for me.

4. One moment she was running down the hall, the next she was falling down the stairs—> How didn't she break her neck, or arm or something?

5. There are usually two flights of stairs, so I think it's a little pointless that the nurse puts her in a wheelchair when she's on a landing. There are probably more stairs she has to go done. Also, if Corina had suffered from such a terrible fall, there is no way that the nurse would just pick her up like that. If the girl has a fractured spine/concussion etc., this could further damage her. It would make more sense if the nurse called other doctors and got her on a stretcher or something.

Now, to answer your Author's note:

1. This was in the first paragraph that I wrote, but I was SUPER creeped out. I think with a bit of editing you could really make this chapter super scary.

2. It does xD I want to know where these dolls come from!!!!! And is she in some sort of mental institute? Maybe the nurse is in on it e.e

Good work!

Network with this Winner: a-dora-ble

1st Runner Up: JesseSprague

2nd Runner Up:AmeVicky02

Final Author's Note: Everyone's comments were very helpful especially when telling me about the levels of creepiness:). I'm at the moment in the process of finding an editor to help with some of the issues that were pointed out. Once again I thank you as for what might be awhile I will be inactive when it comes to the NBR.

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