Comment tip: Be honest in your reviews/comments. It's honorable, and the spotlight authors deserve to hear your most sincere opinions. Developing diplomatic honesty will serve you well beyond NBR and into your everyday lives.

Comment Topic: Pace, it's important. Too slow and you lose the reader. Too fast and you may lose the details. Comment about the pace of the chapter. Too slow? Too fast? And how can it further be improved?

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Author #1:Littlemissflawed

Book Title: The Season Trials

Specified Chapter: Chapter 1

Summary Thus Far in Book:  N/A

Author's Note: In the chapter I marked where 2500 words ends. It's got a picture of a tree just after it. You don't have to read pass that picture but feel free to if you want. 

1. Are the characters, setting and plot realistic?

2. First impression of Kaylin?

3. What do you feel is the mood of the chapter - and does it carry through the whole chapter?

Genre: Dystopian Teen Fiction

Rating:  PG

Winning Comment: Hello there, lovely! Well well, this summary took me by surprise. It's possibly one of the most touching and awesomely written summaries I've read in ages. Kudos to you for that. I cant lie, I'm JUST WAY TOO EXCITED TO READ THIS!

*calms down*

Okay. Fangirl aside, now lets get to the edits first. The Ship Of Edits sails *looks at the pocket watch* now. Ahoy! (Don't dig it? No one gets my pirate jokes *sad music plays* *fades into the background with a teary face*)

Anyways, Edits ( Sowwie in advance. There are a whole lot of these. With me, it's like buy 1, get 100 more free. If you don't want the edits, you can skip directly to the comments)-

- "Presents given to (the) highest bidder(;) sold like we're animals on a (delete the word 'lone' maybe?) ( a single quote would do here)special(') day of the year".

Using 'the' before 'highest bidder' is important. It's the article. Also, when you emphasise on a subject by telling something more about it, you should use a semi-colon (or so the bickering grammar books say ;P). The word 'lone' hinders with the flow of the sentence. It's not something people generally say irl ( Idk maybe some people say so. Anyways, you can keep it if you say it yourself)

- "The day we're told our worth by becoming just another person owned by the commander"

This sentence looks a bit sketchy to me. Just think about it- The day we're 'told' our worth by 'becoming'... I mean, how can I tell someone something by making them something? Confusing, right? I would suggest you to re-structure it a bit. You know, something like," The day they let us know our worth by making us just another person owned by the commander" or something. This was just an example. You can write it in any way you want.

- "One man with all the power (,) (I would advise you to replace 'because with 'since') his army had taken over our society, leaving them with all the power (,) and us with nothing. A few rags (,) if anything. Now, we (have been) left to fend for ourselves."

- "(Also, today) happens to be my birthday."

I think 'it' just hinders with the train of thoughts and how the sentence rolls off the tongue. Replacing it with 'today' or 'this day' would help it flow smoothly.

- "But (,) when there's nothing to celebrate (about) (,) ( you can delete the 'but' and replace it with a 'comma' and 'just') (just) another year of rationing on rice and barely surviving the next week, let alone another year..."

Actually, there's nothing really wrong with this sentence except the repetition of 'but'. So if you can construct a better sentence and use 'but' just once, you can do without this suggestion ( anyways, it's not like my word is set in stone xD)

Anyways, just thinking- she has always lived in misery (right?) and her birthday has always fallen on the same day (Assuming Assortment Day happens on the same day every year) Then how does she know what a birthday really feels like? How does she know that birthdays are meant to be joyful? (Especially since I'm pretty sure that her family doesn't do much on birthdays because they barely get enough food after rationing. Anyways, you could correct me if I'm wrong)

- 'There is nothing but sadness and 'what ifs''

I'll suggest you to not italicize it and instead, just put it in single quotes. Reason- by keeping italics for emphasis and inner thoughts, you can be specific for the reader; the reader will know when to read it with emphasis, or to read it like an inner thought. If I use italics for any other reason apart from those, the readers might get confused. Just an advice.

- "It isn't news that my birthday is on Assortment Day(;) I'm used to it."

It's the same reason I explained the use of semi-colons before. If I add additional detail to a certain sentence, I shall follow it up with a semi colon. You can even replace the periods you use to cut off the sentences with semi colons. I guess that would be more grammatically correct. For a more comprehensive use of semi-colons, you can view this :D

- "Staying close together, never leaving each other's sight, because at the end of the day(,) that person you hugged all day could disappear forever." I can't really tell you how much I'm in love with this line. I know I'm going to tweet this after I'm done with the edits. This is an epic line. I will buy a book if it has a line like this in the back cover xD

- "Instead, I stare out (of) the window of our tiny bungalow, almost identical to our neighbours(')."

An apostrophe after 'neighbours' might be required since you are referring to a possessive noun. Aka, the windows 'belonging' to the neighbours. ( I know. I point out pathetic things like these. I have nothing better to do with my life.)

- "The commander and his goons roll around in their money (while) we're surrounded by poverty(,) where food is scarce and death is all too common."

- "His body is buried in the flower fields where all the bodies of those lost(,) are" This sentence is a bit hard to read in the end. I would suggest you to simplify it a bit with something like," His body is buried in the flower fields where all the dead lie." Or something like that. See, this was just an example. You can write in any way you want 

- "As a child, all you want is a friend (;) someone to confide in when you're upset."

- "When (you're) poor and everyone else is in the same situation, no one looks at you sideways for having a bruise on your body" This, yet again, is one of the most chilling lines in this chapter so far. Keep 'em coming! I'm loving it! ( It's not a McDonald's commercial, I swear)

- "Saving them is as far(-)fetched as thinking (that) one day you'll stop suffering."

- "Yet, you don't question it(;) don't ask why" ( I'm going on with the punctuation edits too. Yes, I'm THAT awful)

- "Violence and poverty. Two words that fit together. Perfect chain reactions of each other." My god, you're quotable. My list of tweets from this book has already risen to three and I'm not even half-way through. ( ... and there I thought I could be a harsh critic. I'm the new brand of critics called 'fangirl critics'. The shame...)

- " So, when I (had) walk(ed) the streets, limping and bleeding..."

Saying 'I'd walk' can mean 'I would walk', but since this is in past tense, 'I had walked' would be more correct. In that case, it's safer to use the full form of the words to avoid any confusion.

- Just a clear-up: You said previously that no one gets close to anyone who are not 'family' and her cousin was 'family', so why did she not talk to him much? A teeny-weeny contradiction here.

- "Ten years old is old (enough) to experience it, compared to others." Adding an 'enough' would smoothen out the flow of the sentence here.

- "A gentle voice (you can delete the comma here) forces my attention from outside"

The term 'forces my attention from outside' sounds a bit rough. "Distracts my attention from outside" or "Forces my attention away from the window" or something on those lines would sound smoother. ( I know, I'm pestering. Lol. *Morgan Freeman voice* We'll get through this, child. We'll get through this.")

- Her sister's hair makes her who she is? This line needs some improving, I think. You need to explain this to me a bit. She has long hair- which she will lose if she becomes a Gift- so lets not cut her hair even if she doesn't like it. I don't get it. Maybe the problem is with me. (too much caffeine maybe doing things to me) Mind explaining, love?

- "Throughout the year, deliveries are made to our region (-) all the same thing." I think you could restructure this sentence a bit. As a stand-alone sentence, it sounds a bit hard to understand. But you can ignore this edit since when clubbed with the paragraph, it makes sense.

- "Needless (to) say..."

- "The (E)mpire..." The 'E' should be capital as it is a proper noun.

- "Right(s) are non-existent."

- "No one questions a bruise..." Just curious. How does she know that no one fights when they are sold off as 'gifts'? She hasn't been sold off yet, and as she said, that no one talks much to each other, so there's no way for her to know that. I wouldn't make her sound so sure. There is a 'maybe' and 'guess' factor here, right?

- "Even (through) my thick coat..."

- "Mum said that we have to go (to) town to get your cake." (This is an optional edit. The original thing doesn't sound all that bad. So you may ignore this.)

- "... plucking the (hairs) on her skirt..." is her skirt made of animal hide? But then again, its mentioned that it is lavender in colour. I'm not sure I know of an animal which has lavender hide. (I'd very much love to see that animal though) Anyways, if that's not the case, you can replace 'hair' with 'lint' ;P

- " It (touches) the floor, covering her bare feet." Replacing 'goes the floor' with 'touches the floor' would give the phrase a verb.

- "Shoes aren't worn (use a ';' or ', as they are') too expensive" so the sentence would become 'Shoes aren't worn; they are too expensive' or 'Shoes aren't worn, as they are too expensive'

- "Then(,) she's going to leave out some clay pots to dry in the sun so that we can sell them. They don't fetch much(,) but it's enough for a few days of food (, or) weeks worth if we ration it correctly."

- I would suggest you to write "She paid for it?" in italics since it's an inner thought.

- "You (spent) the money you saved?"

- "... I hold her like I used to(,) when we were kids, trying to warm (her {this one's optional too}) up in the cold."

- "It's a birthday(.) (Y)ou're supposed to be happy"

- I'll advise you to italicise "Don't think about it" because again, it's an inner thought.

- "I don't know what it taste(s) like(,) but Margaret said it (is) good."

- - "...it's the best birthday I've had with cake" doesn't quite make much sense to me. More like it's the 'only' birthday she's ever had with a cake. This sentence needs some twitching.

- " Amelie is scared (too)" You can also make it "Amelie's sister is 'also' seventeen this year. 'She's' scared too." Your call. I'm simply a filly reviewer ;P

- "Jayless says (from next to me)..." sounds a bit off. The readability is set on a bumpy road. Keeping it to "Jayless says" would be more effective. Also, there was previously no mention of Jayless the start of the part where she is shown going out of home. I would like a little hint there about her presence so that her sudden appearance doesn't surprise me that much.

- "There'(re) hundreds of us" ( again, puny little things that my grammar-psycho self notices. I'm sure they don't even matter to normal readers.)

- "Nobody is untouchable (-) thinking it makes you ignor(ant) and stupid" I'm sure you don't mean 'ignore and stupid' ;P

- "No matter the odds, the chanc(es) of being chosen (are) all the same." ( Again, a trivial edit)

- "As we walk along the road, horses neigh (at) (a) distance, hooves kicking up." I love the imagery that this sentence evokes. *sigh* Take me a fan.

- "They want to run(;) to be free. Today of all days. It's ironic(,) really... They're out of luck(,) though." This whole paragraph is a great comparison. The metaphor with those horses is damn cool.

- "There'(re) no cars to drive(,) to avoid either of them." This sentence made me do a double take. I guess the two 'to's are causing the trouble. Remember, having more than one 'to' can make the sentence complicated.

Eg: "I woke up to get dressed to go for breakfast to go to school to study." The many 'to's make the sentence complicated even though its meaning is perpetually simple. Just giving some gyaan ;P

- "There's no cars to drive either of them." This sentence can be cut. There's already been the talk about cars, horses and the state of the riders of both the transports. Repeating this is making the reader read one more sentence, and hence they have to tread another set of useless words before they read what they really, really want to know. And this might make a reader feel restless and he/she might skip through this. So why have it, right?

- "The fence stops anyone (from) entering (as it is) electrically charged."

- "Finding wood is always a fight because you have to get it from the trees, and they're scarce."

I swear this is the last one of the edits! Don't be mad yet!

You have said in a previous sentence that the forest is 'lush' and 'full of life'. So that paints a green imagery in my mind with a beautiful green forest with pretty birds. And then you drastically change it by saying that trees are scarce, so that image completely distorts. Hence, I'll advise you to remove the word 'lush' from the sentence. Otherwise, it's all good.

- "There'(re) four exists of the roundabout." I don't know how the 'roundabout' is used here. Is it something like a noun? A word which means a particular shape of architecture? If yes, then it should start with a capital 'R'. If not, you might want to revisit that sentence. The word 'roundabout' is used in a confusing manner. Roundabout can mean 'approximately' or 'going round certain pole or object'. So I would need some explanation.

- "The one on the left(,) is a road leading (to) the centre of the town where markets are. It's the biggest part of town(;) stalls lining the streets, all selling something different. The factory where dad works(,) is near the stalls, a large grey building, always billowing (delete 'with') smoke from the (chimneys). (I guess you should use something other than 'it') hangs in the air most days, just another reminder of what we face every day." Replacing 'top' with 'chimneys' would give me a perfect imagery about the factory, without leaving it redundant or vague.

Bye bye Ship Of Edits. You (probably) wont be missed ;P

Phew! That was hard work. Now lets get to the better parts- Questions!

1.) NBR topic- As for the pace, I enjoyed your pace. It wasn't too fast or too slow. You kept the suspense going and even though you repeated a few lines (only one or two. No biggie), I wasn't discouraged in reading further. This story bears a stark similarity to Hunger Games, I must admit. The Capitol ( The Empire), the sister (Jayless), the friend (Peeta/Aaron)and a loaf of bread (Though it was a bit twisted here. It wasn't a friendly gesture here, while it was so with Peeta), her father working at a factory (there, Katniss' father was a coal-miner and he was dead. But still, the lung problem is common) Electric fences, Reaping (Assortment Day).... The similarities are there. But, there are vast differences too. What's applaudable, is that you still held your own. I never once felt like I was reading a Hunger Games fanfic ( which I'm sure this isn't); I was engrossed into your story and the characters are much more different than those in Hunger Games. You didn't make Kaylin a hunter. These 'Gifts' are not meant to go fight themselves off in a battle or something. In a way, your premise is much more brutal that Katniss' since Kaylin doesn't have the bow and arrow to defend herself, and she wouldn't be under a set of rules- she will be practically a 'slave' to someone who by no regard would treat her in a 'fair' game. So in that sense, I'm much more intrigued by your story than I was with Hunger Games. Hence, comparing both of these stories is a crime.(I know this is a first draft. So after a few edits, it's gonna sparkle.)

2.) Your Question 1- My impression of Kaylin was that she is a practical woman with a head on her shoulders. She might not be physically strong, but she's a 'mentally' strong chick. I like her. She sounds like a well-rounded character who thinks a lot. (Especially since she doesn't have much to do all day. So it's understandable and relatable. I like thoughtful characters. They say the wisest dialogues that you can screenshot and tweet ;P)

3.) Your Question 2- The mood of the chapter was grim and gloomy. Very dull and fitting to the mood of the character. You did a great job in maintaining this throughout. The cold weather, the rain, the scarce trees... build the perfect sombre atmosphere for the setting of a story like this. Three cheers to you.

4.) Your Question 3- Your story was realistic. Very realistic. Not even once did I feel the need to roll my eyes (which happens a lot in wattpad stories). The struggles of the characters were heartfelt and well-portrayed. Very good job, love.

5.) My overall review- You have a distinct style of writing. You divide a sentence into many small sentences to put emphasis on each phrase.

Eg: " I'm guilty of it too (.) But there's nothing you can do (.) Helping isn't an option (.) Saving them is as farfetched as thinking one day you'll stop suffering (.) It wont happen (.)" See? You break the sentences into small parts and divide them by periods.

Many people would say that it isn't grammatically correct, but I would ask you to retain it. That's your style- your voice as an author. And I would never tell you to lose it. If you do, you'll lose your distinct artistic voice and after that, you'll just be one of the normal authors out there. So carry on. Just keep in mind not to overdo it. Now. Who. Would. Want. To. Read. A. Sentence. Like. This. Right? (See what I did there? ;P)

All in all, you pulled off a great plot so far. I am definitely intrigued and would love to read on. Your plot looks oh so amazing.

Lastly, Happy Wattpading. (and remember, don't tell anyone the ship of edits was looted by pirates. It's a world-class secret)

Have a great day!

Now go be awesome...

~D

Network with this Winner: Debismita

1st Runner Up: Aviatrix247

2nd Runner Up:Tegan1311

Final Author's Note: Thank you for all the comments and tips. I was aware of the bad grammar, but there was a lot that came up that I would never have noticed. Dawn, thank you for the opportunity!

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Author #2 [NBR Board Member - Informer]:mokbook

Book Title: Aberrant Seer (formerly Shadow Seer)

Specified Chapter:Ch2: The Deus- Part 1

Summary Thus Far in Book: Four months ago, when her powers awoke, Emilia found out she was not 100% human. Her mother is an Oracle and can use elemental magic—which means can Emilia too! They moved to a closed community where other magical creatures live because it is supposed to be safer, but there are werewolves attacking residents. She attends the local Academy and is having trouble fitting in and controlling her new abilities. In the chapter before, Emilia had a vision about another attack on her way to MP (Magic in Practice) class. As usually the vision was vague and unhelpful, but this time sometime something abnormal happened and her half-werewolf best friend told her to keep it a secret.

Author's Note: Thank you Dawn for the spotlight opportunity! I'm a little nervous spotlighting this book because I know it's far from perfect. I've rewritten all the chapters so many times, trying to find that happy medium of giving just enough information without boring people, with that being said my first question is:

- What did you think of the pacing? If if starts to drag please let me know where.

- What do you think of Emilia, is she a likable heroine? (I understand this is only half a chapter so it might be hard to get a good feel for her, first impressions are fine)

- Were there any confusing parts? Please point them out and suggestion on how to fix them are welcome :)

Hope you enjoy!

Genre: Urban Fantasy

Rating: PG

Winning Comment: I literally laughed out loud at the phrasing "thankfully vampires weren't real" since your summary includes her discovering her powers and an Academy that holds other magical creatures, who werewolves happen to be attacking. Gotta love the irony in our thoughts sometimes.

One thought right away, here we are in chapter 2 and we're still obtaining a description about the school (how kids are allocated into different levels). Was this not introduced in Chapter 1 when she was brought to the school?

I'm going to address pacing right away and this is just personal preference. Laurie McLean, a literary agent from Fuse Literary, mentioned "Tell the readers what they need to know when they need to know." In the beginning of this chapter, we are given a lot of background information. I know in your NBR Author's Note, you mentioned that you're trying to find a happy medium between giving just enough info without boring people but still informing them. Gah! It's always a struggle and while someone will love this, others will have constructive critique. Before I continue, I just want you to remember that you have to do what's right for your story and for you. You aren't writing this for anyone else but you—so do right by you.

However, that's not what this comment is about ^-^ I'm going to be part of the latter group mentioned above: the one with the constructive critique on pacing—just to push you and have you consider alternative ways to write.

Does her half Deus status yet being placed in level A play a prominent role later? I'm assuming yes. So I would leave that breadcrumb here—not so much saying she's level A because Level A is this and Level D is this, but maybe interweave her inability to fit into either one because she's a half Deus but she's still in A. Show the tension (if any) that she feels about her unique situation or even how the two levels have tension with each other (if any).

'm partial to being in the story, being so absorbed within the words that I forget I'm reading. Informational paragraphs like:

"The D kids (the subs) rarely mixed...all the academic related subjects",

"Everyone at school...dominate the elementals", and

"To be fair... no matter how extraordinary they sounded"

take me out of the story because I feel like the main character is speaking directly to me and giving me information to get comfortable. I don't want to be comfortable. I want to be on the edge of my seat wondering how her unique situation and her friends' hyper speeds play into this story. I'm being told too much right away. Let me journey with them. Let me find out that Tegan is a phoenix during a prominent part in the story or a scene that allows Tegan to naturally show she's a phoenix. Same with Rachel.

And you have a perfect breadcrumb with this sentence: "She would be an instant success in the fashion industry, and with her olive complexion and amber eyes, she could easily pass for human, unlike my pale green irises that used to earn me odd stares." This made me instantly curious. Why about her eyes are unique? What is she? What are her unique abilities? And then guess what you did? You didn't answer it. And THAT is how you set up intrigue. And because you didn't go into some long spiel about why people oddly stared at her, I'm going to continue reading because I want to find the answer. You've kept my curiosity piqued.

As for Emilia, I don't know much about her. Yes, this is only half of a chapter, but because this chapter contains so much backstory/informational paragraphs, we don't get to know Emilia. The two prominent things I remember about your MC are her eyes and that she's clumsy. Other then that, there aren't a whole lot of defining moments for your MC. So rather than going back into informational paragraphs to TELL us about Emelia, consider embedding small breadcrumbs about her demeanor/reaction/posture/ etc to help define her. How does she interact with her friends that would help differentiate her as a unique individual? How do other people talk TO her that will help give us a better image of who she is.

Pacing for this chapter was too slow (recommendations mentioned above). I love the premise though and that line about her eyes, my goodness, golden! GOLDEN! That alone makes me curious and wanting to find out about her unique situation. But give me more of those moments. I'm begging for it because you have it in you to give me more "tingle down the spine moments." When all these breadcrumbs that you're leaving coalesce at the prime moment, you'll inspire breathlessness and tingles in your readers.

Network with this Winner: PipSqueeks88

1st Runner Up: ChayAvalerias

2nd Runner Up: ariel_paiement1

Final Author's Note: It's been 25 weeks since I last spotlighted and I'm amazed at how much the quality of comments has improved. Everyone is improving at a phenomenal rate. I really had a hard time choosing a winner. There were a pool of 6 that were a step above the rest (ChayAvalerias, ariel_paiement1, PipSqueeks88, Aviatrix427, Tegan1311, twin_cities, ). I'd like to thank everyone who commented and especially the named six for the effort you put into your feedback. Alas at the end there can be only one and PipSqueeks has done it again, with her amazingly helpful/ insightful feedback. It goes to show that even if you have slightly negative feedback you can transform it into constructive feedback through the usage of examples and suggestions.

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Author #3:jaybae2001

Book Title: Who Tamed the Player?

Specified Chapter: Wonder Bras and Chimney Beers (chapter 2)

Summary Thus Far in Book: N/A

Author's Note: I nearly fainted when Dawn told me I would be spotlighted! So thank you, again, Dawn...for this AWESOME opportunity!

A couple of questions:

1) What do you think of the characters?

2) What can I improve in my writing style?

3) Any suggestions for any plot twisters?

Again, thank you so much for this, Dawn. I am literally dying. Feel free to read the entire chapter and continue with the story!

Much Love,

Jay 

Genre: Romance

Rating: PG

Winning Comment: Okay, you had the four of us doubling over in laughter at this chapter...The humor was awesome, especially when he found her bra :'D.

Your characters were very likable, it was hard not to love them because they were all so funny. They had good taste, good dialogue, and kept the plot moving fast (more on that later.) Make sure you make them flow through the story more easily, though! You seemed to be doing a great job on that already, however.

Plot twisters? Take the most basic thing and yank it. Twist and pull and twirl and wind until you get the perfect twist. Maybe he could own one of his very own Wonder Bras for a super secret reason..:D(Not that HE would use it, but maybe a family member?...you know what we mean) :DD

To improve your writing, I wouldn't use all caps in some situations and then use a period right after.

Ex:

"STEPHANIE, YOU FORGOT TO CLEAN THE DISHES OFF BEFORE YOU PUT THEM IN TO BE WASHED." --My mother

It doesn't sound right with a period, does it? Try adding an "OKAY, I WILL!" --Me

Use an exclamation point! (!) are lots of fun to use, as long as you don't use too many, which you won't because you did really well on grammar.

The pace was pretty good, it sucked the reader in like a vacuum. If you want to make it a little slower, that would cause for a more relaxed, laid back tone, which you'd probably want for other chapters. Not this one since it had so much tension what with all that was going on.

Your dialogue was also done really well, the only thing to mention would be to try and make it flow smoother. What is meant by this is to just slow it down, just a little bit. This can be done with interjecting dialogue tags. Other than that, the talking was seductive, funny, and over all great!

Great story, and good luck on future chapters! Keep on writing! :D

Network with this Winner: GirlsCanRockToo

1st Runner Up: the3dreamers

2nd Runner Up: AmeVicky02

Final Author's Note: Thank you so much, I really appreciate this opportunity because it made me realize that Bad Boy stories aren't really my thing...so I've decided to write a new book in place of WTTP and i have the NBR readers who helped me realize that :)

I'm taking all of their feedback for this new story and it's going to be much better than WTTP.

Some of then were harsh, I'll admit, but in the end, it's just helped me to write better,

Thank you,

Much Love,

Jay

xxx

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