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Comment Topic: Comment on how realistic the communication is between the characters.

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Author #1: AmeVicky02

Book Title: I Love You, I Love You Not

Specified Chapter: Chapter 1

Summary Thus Far in Book: N/A

Author's Note: Hello, everyone! First of all, thanks to DawnStarling and everyone at NBR for spotlighting me this week! :)

I am a debut romance writer and English is not my first language, so this opportunity to get feedback from all you amazing writers is fantastic. Gosh, I'm so excited, but I'm also super nervous! :D

My questions for you:

1. There is no "romance" as such in this chapter. Those bits come a little later in the story. I wanted the first chapter to be a short introduction into Leena's world. I wanted to give you details about her life without bombarding you with too much information. Keeping this in mind, what are your thoughts about the chapter?

2. What do you think about the lead, Leena Faye?

3. This isn't exactly a question, but if you could just share your opinions, tell me if you liked the chapter, and suggest any improvements, I would really appreciate it.

Thanks so much and congrats to the other spotlighted authors of this week! :)

Genre: Romance

Rating: PG

Winning Comment:For someone for who English is not your first language, this was written really well! I couldn't find much to fault with the style and phrasing, which is the easiest mistake to make: your language and command of it is well executed! Well done :)

When I read through the first time, I immediately thought, wow, this is a lot of really intense drama that could have been dramatised quite nicely through the narrative - there are some really poignant moments that could make for some pretty colourful flashbacks later on in the novel.

Then I read your a/n, and you mention that this is more of a summary, right? A sort of catch-up for the reader before we get into the actual plot of the story. In that regard, this serves its purpose well. It sets the scene and gives us some information on the character. Did you give us too much information? Not at all. The story-within-a-story style of this chapter was well delivered, with enough drama in it so that even if there was too much information in it, it's interesting enough to read that the reader doesn't get tired of it.

Actually, the length and content of this chapter seems to warrant it being classified more of a prologue than anything else. The reason I say this is because prologues are usually an introduction to the novel, but not technically a part of the actual plot, as in the events of the next chapter won't seamlessly transition on from this one. I think if it was classed as a prologue rather than as a chapter, the tell rather than show aspect of it would be more justified.

And despite the slight bluntness of the introduction, you can still feel for Leena. She's had a tough time - losing friends is terrible in itself, but being bullied and getting that kind of response from them is even worse.

I'm actually quite happy there's no romance in this chapter (shots fired!) I've never been a fan, it's more interesting to see how characters react to other conflicts in their life. I'm aware that the romance plot is probably the dominant one in this novel, but you don't need romance in *every* chapter, so don't worry about it. I've heard some people say they feel the need to introduce the main love interest by the end of the first chapter, but for me that seems somewhat terrifying. (Romance plots when we don't really know either of the main characters that well??) So this introductory chapter is a great idea to get across the main character, a bit about her personality and her background so that we can see what makes her what she is today and connect with her before we get into the actual romantic stuff.

As for Leena. The opening of the chapter starts quite introspective/philosophical, and there is this kind of thoughtful quality to the narrative throughout the chapter.

She seems to be trying to get the reader to dislike the so-called friend. There's not enough evidence to tell if he was a genuinely awful person or just really hurt by her rejection and trying to get back at her (if you're planning on bringing him back later I strongly suggest you elaborate on this), but that "Seriously. He confessed his feelings for me via Gmail." line seemed a little bitter, and slightly spiteful, as well as shades of sarcastic. We do end up disliking him by the end of the chapter - that betrayal right at the end makes it hard not to.

The way she denied him, though, from the narrative, sounds like it was quite blunt and cold. You haven't gone into details on the actual scene, but that was how it came off to me. This bluntness, and to some extent, some emotional distance, is also present in the narrative. You're describing quite emotional scenes here, but perhaps because of hindsight, she's telling it in quite a detached way.

This part makes her seem very self-assured and confident - she knows what she wants, and romance isn't it.

I was a little surprised later on in the chapter, actually. Like for me, I'm sort of like the main character in that romance isn't a big thing for me, so my reaction to a comment like "nobody's ever going to kiss you" would be like, "eh, ok." I was assuming she'd react the same way, but she was genuinely upset by it.

This, to me, has four possible connotations.

a) she's not actually as independent as she thought, and was either lying to herself that romance wasn't what she wanted, or was just genuinely unaware of this side of her.

b) she's not upset by the comment per se, but just the general malice behind the words, the actual aloneness of the character and the friend's apparent betrayal.

c) Leena also shows this dependence on other people to tell her she's beautiful, either from her former friend or her former stepmother. Like, the way the story is told makes me think she was only friends with that guy because he boosted her self-esteem by telling her she was pretty, which is...hmm...

(Comment: is there a reason she only has one friend in the entire school? Is she very introverted, or did people not like her right from the start of high school?)

(I'm also very interested in the logistics of this ex-stepmother thing how does that work?).

This could show an intriguing lack of self esteem which may stem from the fact that she was bullied, or come from a deeper issue, as a permanent character flaw that she eventually tackles and learns to overcome over time.

d) character inconsistency (probably not this one, but make sure these varying responses were intentional haha)

surprise e) I've got this character completely wrong (hangs head in shame)

or me a) or c) seem the most likely (although shades of b)) do play into it. They'd also be the most fun to play with, because either overestimating or underestimating yourself are realistic character flaws that would definitely cause some conflict later on.

Finally, she does seem to have a dry, slightly sarcastic and self-deprecating sense of humour - again, this makes her a little more endearing, because who doesn't love sarcastic narrators?

From the limited knowledge of romance novels, I think she makes for a refreshingly atypical protagonist. Barring the assumed self-esteem thing, she is more cynical and blunt than the average romance protagonist. It'll be interesting to see how that relates to the barista and how their relationship develops.

Dialogue: There wasn't a lot. Again, the stuff that is was more geared towards telling Leena she's beautiful, which is why I think the self-esteem thing is relevant. As far as realism goes, there isn't much to judge it on. I'd like to think it was realistic.

And of course, the foreshadowing at the end of this chapter, I find, is really effective at hooking the reader. Sometimes I think it's a cheap narrative device to reveal something like that when it would be more shocking to have it happen spontaneously, but it depends on if the story is just focused on the relationship between the two or more of a self-discovery kind of thing. There are many possibilities from here :)

So great work with the writing. I find Leena's character very intriguing, and would definitely like to see her tackle some of her flaws later on in the novel. Other than that, the pacing was great, the content was absorbing, and I enjoyed the read, so nice work :D

Network with this Winner:twin_cities

1st Runner Up: thedeadlypen

2nd Runner Up:ChelseyDugger

Final Author's Note:A big, big thanks to everyone for reading my story and leaving the most wonderful comments. Being spotlighted on NBR helped my story SO much! I got some incredibly useful tips and my story even made it to the What's Hot list in the Romance genre! Thanks to everyone for voting, commenting, adding my story to your reading lists . . . I am so grateful for your support. :)

A special thanks to: Heavenlyhash333, ChayAvalerias,xXGirlOfTheNightXx, Aviatrix427, The3dreamers, Tegan1311, RebelDynasty, Winter-soldier, Tetras, alpacapoo, GirlsCanRockToo, swiftiegirl1010, jaybae2001, eacomiskey, ariel_paiement1 for giving me fantastic suggestions, encouraging comments, and for sharing their thoughts about Leena and the chapter itself.

I chose twin_cities as the winner because their comments really helped me to understand what they, as the reader, thought of the MC. I loved how insightful their comments were. I could tell where exactly I needed to improve the chapter to make things clearer for the reader. So, thank you! 

Finally, thanks again to DawnStarling and everyone at NBR. This contest has helped me to not only improve my writing, but also to discover some amazing works and make new friends! :)

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Author #2:wordsinsilk

Book Title: 24 Hours

Specified Chapter:Chapter One (The Warnings)

Summary Thus Far in Book: N/A

Author's Note: I'd like to thank everyone for taking the time to read and critique my work. You've no idea how excited I am for it to be spotlighted. I'd also like to extend my thanks to Dawn for giving me this amazing opportunity and taking the time to dedicate so much to this community. Without getting in the way, here are a couple questions I have for you.

*opens the dish cover, takes a couple steps back*

1. The transition between the scenes, doesn't mess with the arc? (This is my major blind spot)

2. What are your first impressions of the characters, do they connect really well?

3. What do you think of the prose? Any improvements I can work on?

Thank you.

Genre: Science Fiction

Rating: PG

Winning Comment:Hellooooooo *sprinkles fairy dust in her wake* Congratulations on the massive spotlight you're under!! Take my words with a grain of pixie dust - they are just my most humble opinion, but you should know that my heart beats custard for you ;) and that I'm here to help as best I can. *clears her throat* lets begin!

"Hearing these words cripples me to my knees..." Can something 'cripple you to your knees'? Would it not rather 'bring you to your knees'? Or cripple you so abruptly that you fall to your knees? Might I suggest this: *Her callous words affect me so acutely, more so than anything I've experienced in the last 48 hours, that I become instantly paralyzed with the violence of my shock!* I'm a pedantic hag, I know, :) but I'm here to throw rainbows into the air and ride unicorns with you, so please don't say you "don't believe in faeries" because then we die! ;)

I'm not sure I like the phrase, "...by the cold wither of her voice..." to wither: is to shrivel or decay. Perhaps it might make more sense if her words caused your stomach to wither, but her voice... —> "Her words come out loud and clear, although I can concentrate on nothing but the coldness of her voice as she..."

Add a comma before 'Leo' and a full stop after (or period...whatever you call it in whichever country you reside) "...hiding from me, Leo."

I like the analogy of his desperation rising with the bile :) Nice work! Imagery is something you should never skimp and I really appreciate this in an author!

"..eyes paying attention..."I don't think this is wrong exactly, but I think if her eyes were "darting between us attentively", it might read better? *blinks at you with big, watery puppy dog eyes*

"...avoiding to look at me directly." —> avoiding having to look at me directly. yes? No? Maybe?

"Goodbye (comma) Leo,"

Gosh. I really ache for Leo! She's literally pummeling his little heart into powder!

"...leaving us towards the from of the line..." —> ...leaving us to head towards the front of the line...

"...Leaving small traces of dust where my thumb just stroke." this phrase is a bit of an eyesore, to be blunt. I'm not sure how your matte jeans respond with a muted note, but I leave that to artistic interpretations. However, lets try this for the latter part of that sentence —> leaving small, dusty imprints from my thumb.

This is not wrong, just a suggestion: ...soda can in my hand warps noisily as I clench my fist in burning anger... I hope you don't feel like I'm rewriting your chapter *slaps her hands over her mouth in horror* because I'm not! I see potential in your writing and I like how you're obviously trying to inject drama and flair with your prose! Incidentally, your prose is ranking pretty high on my radar right now —> although you might think not; since I seem to be very critical... FYI I am being critical because I enjoyed reading your chapter and I want to make the effort you deserve!

"Coastal beach" is basically tautology, in my opinion as a beach is a coastline? No? Sometimes it's ok to keep it simple. —> "That particular day had been blistering hot and perfectly suited to swimming or walking down the beach that lay a few miles..."

"Drive a couple *of* minutes"

"...thinking he'd be playing me to one of his jokes..."? Doesn't really make sense —> ...thinking he was playing another one of his lame jokes on me, but I was instead startled by a stunning...

Nothing wrong here, just another suggestion *you groan in annoyance and I give you puppy dog eyes again*: don't feel like you need to keep your sentences short. For example, you can have this one continue to flow after a pause —> "She had light but mildly tanned...cheeks (semi colon or long dash or comma) the only tan you'd get...lower jaw (and) contrasted (beautifully with) her light blue eyes." just a little, friendly observation.

"Y-y-you hang out?" I stuttered

Can I just interject here and say that I find Leo very relatable, by the way :) Nicely done!

You didn't "borrow her" the skateboard. You would lend it to her and she would, ergo, borrow it from you :) —> I lent her my...

I'm learning a lot of skateboarding terminology, so thank you!

"...she removed *them* with a giggle..." —> strands of hair, plural.

here's another example on how to keep the sentence flowing: "Her last draw was a bit weaker, (I noted as) she took a pause...rolling back toward us (and) handing over the skateboard, her one arm *wiping*..."

—> remember to watch your tenses.

"Shot hot blood into my ears" I love it! Great visual!

You've used the word 'heaved' a few too many times. —> maybe you raised yourself onto your elbows slowly to carefully stare at the screen?

"Im sure Jennifer was going to kill me first" LOL I can just see her plastered against Leo's chest in horror as she inadvertently strangles him. Again, excellent way to draw us in and make us connect with Leo on a personal level. —> you could probably, as I've mentioned before, make this all one sentence though...

Maybe introduce Leo as Leo Hank earlier on? (On a side note: I now get the earlier "common, Hankie" inner pep talk he had with himself - when he met Jennifer - but I didn't understand at the time why he called himself that). I also don't think he would be thinking, "Mrs Hank" at this very moment —> just mother, right?

His mother's freaked. I don't think she'd say, "...that little nest of an apartment..." just, "We did! We did! Get home now! Are you with Jennifer?!" Something like that?

Why didn't you understand Mr. Rose? Elaborate just a little bit, please.

Great ending!! Kind of creepy!

Network with this Winner:aviatrix427

1st Runner Up:thedeadlypen

2nd Runner Up:ariel_paiement1

Final Author's Note:I'd like to thank everyone for giving some really thoughtful critiques. I could have chosen so many people for the winning comment and having to choose one person seems unfair. So I'd like to give an honorable mention to these people as well: Heavenlyhash333, ChelseyDugger, ChayAvalerias, eacomiskey, Tegan1311

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Author #3:smallwinter

Book Title: The Way He Was

Specified Chapter: Chapter 1

Summary Thus Far in Book: N/A

Author's Note: Hey guys so this is my first time being spotlighted and I do hope for some constructive criticism as I am going to be re-writing this story, hope you guys enjoy it :)

1) What did you think of the opening for this chapter?

2) Did this chapter want you to read more?

3) Anything that I can improve on?

Genre: General Fiction

Rating: PG

Winning Comment: Yet to be Chosen, Will announce at later date. 

Network with this Winner:

1st Runner Up:

2nd Runner Up:

Final Author's Note:

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