Don't forget to vote :)

Comment Tip #1: Try to touch base with the Author after commenting on their chapter. Many times, Authors may reach out to you to ask for clarification about your comment. They simply want to learn more from you.

Comment Topic: Dialogue can reveal a lot about our characters' traits and personalities. Mention one dialogue in this chapter that you feel sums up the Protagonist's character. How so?

---

Author #1: MundaneMirror

Book Title: The Voyage of Pandemonium

Specified Chapter: Chapter 1

Summary Thus Far in Book: N/A

Author's Note: Oooh, I am extremely ecstatic about being spotlighted. Thanks a lot DawnStarling, it's cool of ya to do this. I would honestly say a lot more about how awesome you are but I'll probably end up overdoing it. Thanks again.

Right, on to the questions.

-About the descriptions in here. Are they over the top, just right or need more work? It is the first chapter and I do tend to go overboard with my whimsical explanations so it'd be great to receive some feedback on that.

-What's your first impression of the character? From the blurb, it is said that she's not the perfect character, far from it. In fact, I hope to demonstrate both her anti-hero qualities and heroic qualities in the long run but I just wanted to know how I've started off with it. Too much perhaps? Too immature?

And that's all really, good luck and Happy Reading (Or criticising...I don't think I should include too much of my awkward humour in here. Sorry guys.)

Also, I use British spelling so...Yeah, they're not typos.

Genre: Adventure

Rating: PG

Winning Comment:Overall, this is nicely written. It gives your readers a good glimpse at the MC and leaves them wondering about her so that they'll come back for more. The part about the Society is particularly intriguing.

For dialogue, I'd say it's a bit awkwardly worded in places. It has more to do with the grammar of the sentence and the way you chose to word it than anything, so I'll explain this a little later on. One thing you did do well with the dialogue was making it individualized. I could tell who was speaking at any given point just by the way that they choose to speak. That's good, and it gives your dialogue variety.

The description level is perfectly fine. If you took away from it, the chapter would be significantly more boring, and if you added to it, it would drag the chapter through the mud. So you should keep it as is. You do a fine job with it, and it lends style to your writing, making it uniquely yours.

My first impression of the MC is that she's headstrong, especially for the society she lives in. She doesn't take nonsense easily, and she's not very patient. She has no tolerance for people like her aunt or those who insist on disparaging her or her family. While she may not exactly be a strong, good heroine, she's got her own personality, and that's good. She isn't easy to stereotype.

Usually, when there's a heroine, the author chooses to make her strong, rebellious, and independent. They don't always do a great job of making her deeper than that. I think it's because the heroine is usually trying too hard to prove to everyone around her she can be just as good as any guy. Your heroine, at this point, seems to be just herself. She doesn't care whatsoever for making others think of her as more than she is, and she doesn't care if they like her as she is or not. It makes for an interesting lead character!

So I'm going to go through grammar/wording line by line to help point out areas that need revision there. It'll take a few comments to do that.

"Most of the paintings ended up unfit to be seen, the damp cellar doing the honors (toward) that. All runny and crusty... (space) At times (comma) when the was particularly stormy, the drains leading to the cellar would clog up, creating a colorful mud bath (delete in the cellar. We already know it's the topic of discussion.) with all the streaked canvases just floating around. (just one period here. The ellipses don't add anything to the flow at this point.)"

"...your father, my brother," here her face scrunched up in disgust (period) "Would give you a free hand to participate in such abnormal, scandalous activities (comma) and then to top it all off, let you go prancing all about with a chaperone on a ship!"

"(Sighing) deeply, I looked at my Aunt in resignation."

"Oh (comma) of course, she is (I recommend changing this to she's. It flows better.) embarrassed (by not of) me."

"That's why she informed her friends not to come to dinner today (Comma) seeing as her "immoral" niece took the time to grace her with her presence. (Delete or.) Maybe I shouldn't have bothered."

"It was your mother's fault (semi-colon, not comma.) that's what I say (period)" she nodded fiercely.

"How dare she insult my mother so pettily (question mark not period)"

"They say none but the dead don't have souls Aunt. That changed today."

This is incredibly awkward and difficult to read. I had to read it two or three times to understand. It really should be re-worded. Here's a suggestion for doing that:

"They say that only the dead lack souls, Aunt. That changed today."

"...slamming the door behind me. (Unhooking) my umbrella from the stand (comma) I rushed out into the buffeting wind."

This was my slight alteration to make this sentence fragment a sentence. As is, it's a little bit difficult to follow.

"I glared, stabbing the ground with the umbrella handle, invoking a few looks from passer-bys, (whom) I promptly glared at as well."

"... I ran across the cobble ways (toward) the black, iron-wrought gates of my home."

"Worse (comma)" I muttered, kicking a part of the gate (that) had rusted over.

He fisted his hands and breathed in deeply. "One day, I do hope Estella will come to see the error of her ways." He avoided eye contact as he focused in the far distance.

Here, I got confused. Is her father still talking when the line "I feel sorry for the day..." is spoken? Or is it your MC saying it? Whichever one it is, it needs to be put with their dialogue or action tag. So if it's the father, put it right after the sentence about avoiding eye contact. If it's his daughter's, put it with the sentence "I chuckled bitterly".

"Twenty-Sixth of March. Thursday (comma)" I stated bluntly, just wanting to treasure being alone for a while.

I'll stop and explain this since you've done it a few times now. Whenever you use a dialogue tag such as she stated, he spoke, they whispered, etc., you need to use a comma instead of a period. You've done fine with knowing what to capitalize and what not to so far, but the comma usage needs to be correct as well.

"I do hope you enjoy it!" He smiled wanly.

Capitalize here because you're using an action tag not a dialogue tag. With those, you punctuate with period, exclamation marks, and question marks at the ends of the dialogue because it's treated like the two are separate sentences. This means capitalization rules are normal as well.

"But the Society requested (that) it stay between me and them (colon) no third party concessions."

"Maybe except Aunt Estella, the bane of our household."

A little hard to follow this. Try this instead:

"Well, maybe not from Aunt Estella, the bane of our household."

I hope this is helpful. Despite the grammar errors, you've done a great job on this! Keep up the great work!

Network with this Winner: ariel_paiement1

1st Runner Up: The3dreamers

2nd Runner Up:wrightstory

Final Author's Note: Thanks a lot, all of you, If I could I'd pick you all to win seeing as the comments were brilliant and I learnt something from each one. Feel very proud of yourselves. Thanks to ariel-paiement for correcting all my errors. Much appreciated. Thanks to The3dreamers and wrightstory for helping with dialogue and a special thanks to The3dreamers for introducing me to Grammarly. Much love, Spidey

---

Author #2: xxfalling_starxx

Book Title: Inked

Specified Chapter: Prologue part 1 of 2

Summary Thus Far in Book: Chip and the rest of his kind were born tattoos that can become real. The post-WWIII world has labeled their kind (the Inked) as dangerous and set out to eliminate them in order keep the rest of the population safe. Chip has joined TAT, a secret organization set up to discover the origin of the tattoos and keep the "Inked" safe.

Author's Note: Thank you so much to DawnStarling for this opportunity and to all you guys for taking the time to review my chapter. I know the idea is strange-sounding and not everyone's cup of tea, but I hope you enjoy it! :)

My questions-

1. Does this chapter pull you in, and if not, what could I do to make it more appealing?

2. Am I painting a vivid enough picture? If you can't easily picture what's going on, how could I improve?

3. Did anything strike you as odd or out-of-place (besides the tattoos haha) that I could make more realistic?

Genre: Science-Fiction

Rating: PG

Winning Comment:Hi! Love your username, by the way. Stars are so pretty and symbolic. How about we take a look at your first prologue part?

I started off by reading your Irrefutable World Decree No. 5.0 because I usually look at the beginning of a person's book to get a sense of their hook and story. Plus, the decree was irrefutable! How could I protest? :p

That title instantly drew me in: "Irrefutable World Decree No. 5.0". It's kind of an intimidating title, which I assume was what you were going for? (The first thing I thought of when I saw that was of Dolores Umbridge's Inquisition-like rule, so that might have impressed that onto my brain. But if one Potterhead thought it, surely others will!)

From looking at that title and nothing else, we can deduce quite a few things. First of all, there's some sort of world dictatorship. I would say leadership, but the word irrefutable makes it seem more like a dictatorship. Although the more I look at the word irrefutable, the more pointless it seems. If it was an effective dictatorship, they wouldn't need to put in the unnecessary word. This makes me think that the dictatorship is losing its power and therefore grasping at straws.

The number 5.0 makes me think that the dictatorship hasn't been around for very long, because they're only at five! That's crazy.

So, now I'm going to actually read the order and give some feedback on it. (After reading it) I like the premise here, although Inked sounds like a race rather than people with tattoos. Your order carries along the tone of imperious and powerful, and I don't see any grammar errors or any words that should be "fancified", so to speak (the only word I would change at the end would be changing "participation" to "cooperation" in the last sentence). Good job!

Not only that, but here you set up an idea (the Inked are being attacked and discriminated against by the government), you have presented a character in some obscure way (the President), you've given me some rudimentary information about the world, and this totally hooks me. This captures my attention and holds it.

Now, one of the reasons I think this topic is so cool is that sometimes people with tattoos are discriminated against and pegged as hard muscle gang types who ride motorcycles and are rather dangerous. Sometimes they're denied jobs because of the tattoos. And the fact that you're doing something that relates to that somewhat is really awesome to me.

To what you actually wanted me to look at! The first part of the prologue. Be warned, I intensely psycho-analyze everything.

Hook:

Since this is your prologue, this is also what's going to be drawing in readers. They're still a bit tentative here. So your hook has to shine.

After reading your first sentence, I'm instantly wondering why Chip is running, and what he's so scared of. You already have me asking questions, and on top of all that, you have subtly introduced a character. The next sentence answers the surface of the question of why he is running, but we still want to know why he is being pursued. You have us asking more questions, causing us to read on, making your hook an effective one.

10 years before our story starts...I don't like this. It removes us from what's going on, and makes us think this isn't relevant to the actual story. Which begs the question, is it? If it is, I suggest removing that line and putting "10 years later" at the top of your first chapter.

He heard them overturning trashcans and kicking aside crates...If anything, I would go more in depth in description here. What does that sound like? Metal slamming or clattering against stone streets? The rattle of plastic? Try to capture our sense of sound, which is what Chip is clearly focusing on.

the possibility of being discovered hit him...it just hit him? I'm assuming he was running for a reason. While a good way to bring up the weapons, it doesn't make sense. Maybe change the phrasing around to something like "the full possibility of being discovered hit him, and his breath shattered. He wished he didn't have the time to think about this. They had guns..." You get it? It's a small thing, but it will improve the point.

It was basically a slow, painful death sentence...I would take out the word "basically" here to evoke a more serious tone.

Wait...so they fire through the metal dumpster? That doesn't seem very likely.

leaked from it into his ear...I would rephrase this. "...and a wet substance from it leaked into his ear".

their sounds faded into the distance... How about getting more specific? Talk about how the thuds of their boots faded, how the jangle of the guns against their belts cut away, how their laughter disappeared. It will draw a better image for the reader.

THE TATTOO MOVES THAT'S SO FREAKING COOL

Okay, since the dialogue starts here, I'm going to examine his dialogue for character.

Miss?! Just end in one piece of punctuation to make it more professional. I would go with the exclamation point to show his extreme shock.

Oh, the miss line. That's funny! It shows how proud Chip is of himself, and shows that he's able to stand up for himself.

Your dialogue tag on that line is all wrong, though. You have a period at the end of the dialogue and then "He retorted". It should read so that there's a comma before the dialogue tag and the "he" is not capitalized. Like so:

"I'm not a 'miss'," he retorted.

Here's a link for more help on that: I suggest looking at the dialogue tags actually written out.

Okay! Back to the story!

The line where he says he's almost nine kind of shocked me. I wasn't expecting a nine year old. But it reveals so much about his character. He's clearly brave (I wouldn't have done what he's doing when I was nine!). Also, from his thoughts at the beginning and his age, you can tell that he's an incredibly mature nine year old who understands what's going on. So he's smart as well. And because he's so determined and resolute in his TAT support, you know he is more than willing to sacrifice himself.

Yet at the same time, that line reveals his haughtiness as well. It makes him sound so very imperious, so you can see he has a bit of an ego as well. You have a very developed character already.

Oh, shut up HARRI...Sanders made him irritated, huh.

TAT (Tattooed Assistance Team)...instead of using the parenthesis, you could just say "TAT, or Tattooed Assistance Team, ..."

That's a horrible game.

Wouldn't he be trained to always be alert? Especially since he could be killed?

Please add more about the wings!

Nice job! I really enjoyed this chapter. You very much captured my attention here. You can see the answers to your questions integrated into my response. No, nothing seemed too out of place, although I think the pursuers at the beginning need to be more professional. Well done, and I hope this helped! Feel free to ask me questions if you need any clarification. :D Sorry if I was harsh.

Network with this Winner: writervid

1st Runner Up: Tetras

2nd Runner Up: thedeadlypen

Final Author's Note: Thanks so much for the incredibly useful comments everyone was generous enough to give me last week! They drew many flaws and things I need to improve to my attention. Everyone was helpful and had constructive criticism to give, but I didn't receive a single rude or degrading comment. Thank you for all the love! The suggestions will be invaluable when I go back and rewrite the chapter. You all have my heartfelt gratitude. <3

---

Author #3 [Triple Crowner]: ChayAvalerias

Book Title: The Last Ticket to Fairfield

Specified Chapter: Chapter 21

Summary Thus Far in Book: "The Last Ticket" is a coming-of-age, love story, and slight-mystery story about a college freshman, Gus, who falls in love with Laura. The novel contains flashback sections that trace Gus's freshman year through March and the progression of his relationship with Laura and other aspects of college life. Here, we are in October of 1990. The weekend before the start of this chapter, Gus went to a fraternity party and got plastered drunk and stood Laura up. After him begging for forgiveness, she accepted on the condition that she could determine their next date for the following weekend. This Saturday morning represented that date.

Author's Note: Hi everyone! I'm so honored to be in the spotlight this week! I want to thank DawnStarling for starting this incredible community and those who serve as enforcers and board members. I also want to acknowledge everyone in NBR for your willingness to give of yourself to your fellow writers. So, thanks!

Questions:

1) Besides just a date scene, this chapter serves many purposes for the entire novel. One of the most important purposes is to show how Gus's relationship with Laura evolves and grows. So, based on this one chapter, how would you characterize their relationship so far? [Note: They have been dating just over two months.]

2) Emotions. What do you think about how these two [Gus and Laura] express their emotions throughout the entire chapter?

3) Pacing/Momentum. In this chapter I strove to instill a kind of "movement" of the characters, almost as if they are "floating" through the scenes until they reach the last part where the dialogue gets more intimate. Do you feel this in the mood of the chapter? How would you describe the mood here?

Genre: New Adult/College Fiction + Contemporary Adult Crossover

Rating: PG

Winning Comment: Hey there Chay! So happy to see you spotlighted this week! First off, random statement: I love the line in your summary where it says "...happenstance has lead them to sit side-by-side on an airplane flight from D.C. to Dallas." Just thought that was really well-written and creative :) Anyway, on to the edits!

- "Then I tugged on my sports jacket." This sentence throws off the flow. I'd combine it with the first sentence because it seems awkward on its own. "I yawned and stretched my limbs, then tugged on my sports jacket." Then you can rephrase the next few sentences as well so it flows more smoothly: "Although the sunlight cast a feeling of warmth on my face through the windshield, I still felt cold. I guessed I wasn't used to the chills that floated through the October air. In San Diego, the weather rarely changed throughout the calendar [I'd say year here instead of calendar], but here the seasons happily declared themselves in the Midwest." You can play around with it a little bit and see if you can make the paragraph smoother. Also, maybe you should put the actual name of what state they're in instead of the Midwest. This clues us in as to where they are immediately so we're not trying to figure out where they're located as we read on.

- "It's like 80 degrees in Dallas right now." I'd put a comma after "like" here.

- "...you must be California dreaming, huh?" Lol, this isn't an edit, but I couldn't help thinking of Adele singing "I'm in California dreaming about who we used to be" in her song "Hello" when I read that XD

- "Okay, hope the car is warmed up now." Shouldn't she say this after she turns the heater on? It seems odd that she hopes for it to be warm when the heater isn't on yet. It'd sound better if she said something like "I hope the car will warm up fast".

- "Gus, it's already nine O' clock." The "O" should be lowercase here :)

- "Just instead of turning right at the fork..." Instead of "just" I'd use a different contrasting word; it sounds a little awkward as it is. Try "only", "except", or "however" to improve the flow here.

- "...cut across a mixture of wilderness and fields." This description is sort of awkward. When thinking of wilderness, I imagine some kind of dark forest with overgrown, eerie looking plants, or a barren wasteland with nothing but a few rocks and the occasional tree. If you take this and randomly add fields to the imagery of wilderness, it's like combining two different settings that don't belong together. If you're intent on keeping this sentence, try cutting out the word "fields" or using a different description altogether so it makes more sense and creates a better visual.

- "Uh, you know where you are going. Right?" This bit of dialogue sounds a tiny bit formal for some reason. Try this: "Um, you know where you're going, right?"

- The short anecdote on Laura's sister Bea seemed a little unnecessary to me. It's fine if you leave it at "she dealt with depression and anxiety." Many people can relate to that phrase alone, so we don't need the explanation on the extent of Bea's background. The whole story of Bea sitting in her blood takes away from the moment you're trying to create with Laura and Gus, so try keeping it simple. Also, leaving out the backstory on Bea will keep readers in suspense about Bea and how her situation affects Laura. We'll be left wondering why her sister has such an impact on Laura and then we will want to read on to find out more about Bea.

- "...how horrible school is, how alone she feels." I think I'd put a semicolon after "is" or combine the last section so you can do away with the comma: "...horrible school is and how alone she feels." This helps improve the flow.

- "Laura sort of chuckled." I'm not sure how you can sort of chuckle. You either chuckle or you don't; it's not like you give half a chuckle and decide you don't want to finish chuckling. [That was so weird to write lol] Here's some ways to improve this sentence: "Laura chuckled." "Laura gave a half-hearted attempt at laughing." "Laura chuckled sadly." Alright, my suggestions for this weren't that great, but you get my drift ;)

- "I guess, she is doing okay." The comma here is unneeded.

- "I nodded with encouragement." I'd change "with" to "in" here. Gus' nodding is her encouragement; if you say "with encouragement" it implies that he says or does something immediately afterword that gives encouragement, but he doesn't.

- "Okay," I whispered." Cue Fault in Our Stars moment. Your character is named Gus and he's saying okay. John Green, is that you? ;)

- The sign about the Orchard: I'd move the "Five More Miles" part so it doesn't look like it's part of the name of the Orchard. For example: "...we passed a sign that read 'Wilson Family Orchard: Five More Miles."

- "We going to an orchard?" I believe you meant "we're" here :D

- "...this much green open space in my entire life." I'd delete one of those adjectives to make this sentence flow more smoothly.

- "...bubbled their way toward the red barn." I've never heard anyone use "bubbled" as a verb for going somewhere before. Try substituting it with "paved", "made," or another synonym to clarify what you mean here.

- "Welcome to the Wilson Family Orchard and Farm." This feels redundant because we already read the name of the orchard from the previous sign on the highway. I had to make sure I wasn't reading the same paragraph over again. I'd take this little bit out since we already know where they are.

- "We'll take two tickets..." This was an awkward, quick transition from the kiss to buying tickets. I'd put something in to separate these events a little more; it was like they never waited in line at all.

- "I've never down this before, either..." I think you meant "done" instead of "down".

- "She rested her head along my arm." This sounded awkward to me. The phrase "along my arm" makes me picture her head resting all the way down his entire arm, which is not a good visual lol. Try something like this: "She rested her head on my shoulder" or change the entire thing, like "She tugged on my arm excitedly" to create a less awkward show of affection.

- "...congregated in three important places..." You say three places but actually list four; I'd edit this bit to clarify :)

- The whole paragraph with Nancy was a little off. You tell us where all these places are at the orchard/farm, but this information seems useless because you never refer back to it in any way. It's just randomly there. It's good that you're telling us the setting, but we don't need to know the specific layout of every little spot unless your characters remark on it in some way. Then, Nancy is all of a sudden on a tree stump. Where is this tree stump? Why is she just now getting on the stump to announce everything the orchard is doing? This was such an awkward transition from the map to Nancy. It seems unrealistic to me about her having the kids leave their parents in the background and asking the kids who's doing what. I don't know about you, but pumpkin patches where I live are crazy. There's hundreds of people, everywhere at once, and parents would be going crazy if they left their kids alone. No one announces anything like Nancy because there's signs of when/where everything is and there's definitely people of all ages there, so to me it's a little improbable that Laura and Gus are the only college-aged kids there.

- You describe the pumpkins as "hallow" but I think you meant "hollow." "Hallow" means "holy", so unless this is a sacred pumpkin patch, I'd switch to "hollow" :)

- "I want one that is more orangy" You forgot a period after "orangy".

- "I got to fall in love with it before I take it." I think this would sound better if you put "I have to" instead of "I got to".

- "The table had been covered with butcher paper." I'm not sure I know what butcher paper is; I'd add a little clarification here. When my family carves pumpkins, we just use newspaper, so you could use that as an alternative description of you wanted.

- "It had all this sequence and glitter." I think you meant "sequins", not "sequence" here.

- "They used to make fun of me at all." This sentence is awkward; I'm not sure what you mean here so try to clarify. Try this: "They used to make fun of me all the time."

- "He sometimes still calls me that." I'd rearrange the wording here so it flows better: "He still calls me that sometimes."

- "...but I really like it when he does, anyway." Again, rephrase and simplify to have better flow: "...but I like it anyway."

- '"Uh," I responded.' Awk dialogue tag and phrasing in this paragraph. Try this: "Uh..." I hesitated to answer her. My father had died when I was twelve, leaving my mom and I on our own. We hadn't celebrated Halloween ever since his death."

- "You know, like from ghouls and goblins and witches." I'd delete the "from" here, it throws off the flow.

- The chapter ending seemed very abrupt. I'd put one or two sentences after the kiss to wrap up the scene more fully. Perhaps something like this: "After what felt like long moments of bliss, we finally separated and took up our carving knives, putting the ghosts of our pasts to rest for the time being. We worked in companionable silence, relishing the comfort and trust that came with our budding relationship." I'm not sure what emotions you want to end with, but play around with some options and try to add a touch of finality to the chapter :)

- I notice that many of your dialogue tags include smiling, laughing, chuckling, and in Laura's case, she says "Yes, Gus" a lot. Try and have some variety in how you convey the way they interact :)

Okay, on to the NBR topic!

- What are the dialogues that sum up your protagonists' characters? For Gus, I think his exchanges with Laura really show his light personality. He's a funny, happy guy for the most part; but then we see his personal, hurting side when he talks about his father. I actually think when he says "Thank you, Laura, thank you" captures the essence of who he is. Gus is pretty outgoing with Laura, but he's very private at heart. He doesn't like thinking about the past since it brings back painful memories, and he doesn't like taking about his feelings. So when Laura comes and asks about his Halloween, he feels torn, because he wants to answer but he doesn't want to remember. Laura is his weakness; she is his rock. She is the one to get him taking about his feelings and accepting that he can choose to dwell on the good memories instead of the bad ones. Thanking Laura reveals that he is gratified that she wants to help him, that he knows that she understands him and that they'll help each other stay strong amidst the tragedies in their families. It's a summary of their bond in one statement, which I really love.

With Laura, I think the statement that characterizes her is when she says she has to love the pumpkin before she takes it. I think you can really apply this to her character. The way I see it, Laura is cautious and easily broken, based on how she feels about her sister. She felt helpless that she wasn't able to do anything for Bea and I think because of Bea's suicide attempt, she now wants to make sure she does anything she can to make people happy and get a little extra brightness in her life. Falling in love with a pumpkin makes me feel like she appreciates the little things in life and that she wants to make sure everything is perfect and that she doesn't want to be hurt or disappointed by anything in her future.

How would I characterize their relationship? They've only been dating for two months, but I think they have very strong feelings about one another. They obviously care for each other's welfare and family, which is really sweet. I think they have a strong relationship so far, but it'll be interesting to see how this changes the longer they're together. I'm curious about whether or not this bond will deteriorate or strengthen.

My thoughts on how they express emotions: Some of it was a little too emotional for me to be believable. For example, Gus crying at the end and all of a sudden realizing that he had feelings, and Laura's random revelation that she had never felt beautiful and her frenzied kiss. It seemed really fast to me. They were having a nice convo about Halloween, and then all of a sudden it lead up to the huge emotionally charged finale. I think you need to expand more and let the emotions come more freely; leave room for the characters to develop the emotions instead of having them spew them out like a volcano. I think you mentioned that the week before this chapter, Gus had stood Laura up and this date was his way of making it up to her. It seems a little unrealistic for them to be having so much ease admitting their emotions when the week before Gus stood her up, and had to beg her to go on another date with him.

Describe the mood: I felt the floating sensation, but the overall mood fluctuated for me. When they were bantering in the car, it was light and fluffy, but then they talked about Bea and it was tense and full of anxiety. At the patch the atmosphere was once again warm and carefree, but then it took a dive once you reached the emotion part I outlined previously, and the mood there was somber yet hopeful.

I really liked this! You have a good writing style and your characters are easily relatable. I can picture Gus and Laura as a real life couple at the pumpkin patch. Can I just applaud Laura for paying for Gus' ticket? Hooray for gender equality; newsflash that it's okay for girls to pay for guys and that girls can take guys out! (sorry for the mini rant; I know so many people who think that guys should always pay for the girls on dates and I'm just like "noooo" -_- ) Great job on characterizing Gus and Laura without distinctly telling us what they were like. I'd work a little on the awkward phrasings and the other edits I suggested, but other than that, great work!

Keep up the awesome job and good luck with the rest of your story! :D

Network with this Winner: thedeadlypen

1st Runner Up: Tegan1311

2nd Runner Up:Mobkbook

Final Author's Note: Hi everyone! Wow, I did't realize how hard it would be to select the winners from such an amazing group of comments. So, I want to thank everyone who reviewed for sharing your insights. I especially wanted to thank these other amazing reviewers for their wonderful comments: Amevicky02, Ariel_paiement1, heavenlyhash333, Twin_cities, wrightstory and writervid. I also want to give a shout out to our newest members of #NBR who posted this round: Brinity_rose, FrankRSP, sarcasticantics. Glad to see you here.

Finally, thank you Dawn Starling and Board Members for making this community so great! We know all of you work so hard, putting in hours and hours each week, just so we can have this community. I hope you feel just how grateful we are. =-)

----

Directions:

1. Go to EACH of the Author's Profile Page and Find the Book specified by the Author.

2. Write one Comment per Author but DO NOT write it here. Write it in the Author's own Comment Section. Be sure to Answer the COMMENT TOPIC and pay attention to the Author's Note.

- (Do not Comment on here. Only comment on this page if you have questions or comments pertaining to the directions)

3. All comments must include the #NBR. If you do NOT include #NBR in your comment then your comment is DISQUALIFIED. Do this: #NBR then Comment. If you forget to hashtag, simply post another comment mentioning #NBR.

4. Comments must be 5 sentences or more - remember the Quality Comment thing?

Remember: DIPLOMACY is defined as: the art of dealing with people in a sensitive and effective way

Remember: Never judge a book by its cover.

Remember: #NBR then write the comment.

Remember: Do not give up on the chapter. The Author chose it for a reason.