See that star? Vote :)

Comment Topic: At which part of the chapter was the author able to grip your full undivided attention--if ever? How so? Five sentences or more. I will be on the lookout for Non-Quality comments. 

---

Author #1: thedeadlypen

Book Title: Dead Suitors Tell No Tales

Specified Chapter: chapter 1

Summary Thus Far in Book: N/A

Author's Note: Hello everybody! I can't tell you all enough how excited I am to be spotlighted this week! Thanks to the wonderful Dawn for spotlighting me in the first place; I can hardly believe this is finally happening ;)

The chapter I've chosen to spotlight is the first one. Out of all the chapters of my book so far, this is the one I've struggled with the most, and the one I can't seem to get right, so any help with it is appreciated. This is also my very first story, so I would love any type of feedback you have. Don't hold back; rip it to pieces! :D

My main questions are:

1. Is the chapter interesting enough to make you want to read on, and why or why not? Please be honest; it's okay if you politely say that you hate it ;)

2. With my plot line, there might be some cliche elements in it (e.g. the whole "rebellious princess" idea), but I'm trying my best to make it as non-cliche and realistic as possible. Did I succeed in doing this, and if not, how can I improve?

3. What are your overall impressions of Amara, my protagonist? 

Genre: Fantasy

Rating: Rated PG-13 for slight violence

Winning Comment: Hi! Congratulations on being spotlighted this week! I was excited to read this chapter because I was intrigued by the title "Dead Suitors Tell No Tales". It sounded very unique and interested. I took notes as I read this part so I'll be leaving comments in that order, answering your questions and talking about this round's topic as I go. Please don't hesitate to ask me questions if you find something unclear. :)

1. Like I already mentioned, I love the title. I liked the cover as well! It's attractive enough to prompt the reader to click Read. :D

2. My first thought after reading the first two paragraphs was: This seems like a really good place to start this story. The first two paragraphs kindled my curiosity about Amara. What was she up to? Where was she? What's going on? I always enjoyed stories where the writer makes you ask questions from the very start, rather than bombarding you with descriptions as information. Those two paragraphs are enough for me to discover that your writing is very, very good. And I was right! This entire chapter is VERY well-written, it was a real joy to read. But before I sidetrack, I do have one suggestion that can make those two passages better. There was a slight problem that I found with the flow because Amara winces, grimaces, and cringes repeatedly in those two paragraphs alone. The fact that the brute threw her against the wall is mentioned twice in a small space, causing the otherwise smooth flow to falter.

"Pain erupted from her body as she struggled to escape the man's iron grip that held her fast against the wall with one sizeable hand, the other delivering a stinging slap to her cheek."

^ This is just one rough suggestion that doesn't include Amara "gasping" or "wincing" because this is already mentioned before and after. Of course, my suggestion may not exactly work for you but I just wanted to show you how the flow of that part can be further improved by rephrasing that sentence. :)

3. The scene where Amara is getting beat up by that man is very intense and I found myself wincing and hoping he would ease up on her soon. Again, kudos to you for starting your story at this point. It's a very tense, intense point to begin the story and I love that. That being said, I would have liked to know more about the brute. I mean, during that part where he abuses her, I would have liked a description of his voice, perhaps his tone. How angry was he? Did he mock her for being stupid enough to challenge him? Did he tease her for calling him an asshole and for doubting his strength? Even if you don't include actual dialogue, a short description of his tone would make the scene more real. Your writing is powerful enough that all it takes is a few words to really elevate a scene and make it real in a reader's mind.

4. I also wanted to mention that as far as I could tell, your punctuation was on point. Your grammar is very good, too! This just made the chapter all the more enjoyable. Not only do you have what seems like a promising plot, your writing is very good, which means a reader is definitely tempted to read on. I do read fantasy stories but it's not exactly my "go-to" genre. But there's something about this story, it's quite captivating. At first, I couldn't exactly figure out WHY I wanted to read on but towards the end, I found that I really, really enjoyed Amara's character. Which brings me to two of your questions: Are there any cliched elements? And, what do you think of Amara?

Sure, the idea of a rebel princess has been used and abused in fantasy genres but I don't think it works against your story at all. Because I find that there's something different about Amara, something that I didn't find in most other fantasy princess protagonists: She is a doer. She goes out, DOES things, breaks rules, steals and hides magic salves, and although she fears her father, the fear is not enough to contain her.

Amara, instead of moping around in her palace about her privileged but sad princess life, is BOLD and in my opinion, a total badass. I like that about her.

Amara is one of the main reasons why I want to read on. I will explain the other reasons soon.

5. The round topic: "Glancing at the sky, she estimated she had an hour..." THAT is the part that fully gripped my attention. I don't know if this is just me but I felt that that sentence was powerful and meaningful. It made me think of Amara as intelligent and experienced (although these traits are contradicted by her somewhat immature plan to handle and challenge that giant goon one on one. This is a contradiction and it makes Amara more interesting, more three-dimensional. It made me realise that she has broken the rules several times before, causing me to wonder about all the adventures that she has had before. So, that's the part where this story really captured my interest.

6. "It hurt like hell." Again, this is one place where the otherwise fast, smooth flow of this part is affected. This sentence kind of breaks away from your previous style of narration. It is somewhat informal and colloquial, which is unlike the paragraphs that come before. Rewording that sentence or perhaps removing it would improve that portion, in my opinion.

7. "She had to remain unseen at all costs." What about her attempt to remain unheard? If you could describe how Amara tried to remain quiet, trying not to scream in pain while she headed home, it would make the scene more realistic.

8. Perhaps I missed something, please correct me if I did but I was confused about why that man didn't kill Amara. If he didn't possess any weapons of his own, he could've retrieved her dagger and stabbed her while she was unconscious. Did something happen that made him stop his attack on her? That bit was left a little incomplete. If you have explained this in a later chapter, please ignore this point. :)

9. I like how we found out gradually what exactly happened during the fight and why Amara was there in the first place. I like when details are revealed slowly by the author. So thumbs up. :)

10. "She had to keep him occupied long enough for the robbery to take place." -- This sentence confused me a little. Did you mean that Amara WANTED the robbery to take place or did she want the robbers to get caught. Maybe it's just me (again, haha) but I was confused about that part.

11. I LOVED that part where Amara trips on the beer tankard. That scene was so well-written and so detailed yet not boringly lengthy, It was so natural and believable and so unfortunate. I felt awful for her but I was also upset with her. What was she thinking, fighting that guy? God dammit, Amara! :P

I liked that bit so much, I thought it was absolutely perfect. One of the best parts of this chapter, if you asked me.

12. Although you had my undivided attention and had captured my interest a lot earlier in the chapter, the part where Amara retrieves that hidden jar of magic salve really intrigued me. I can tell that there's a lot more to that salve, where it came from, who it belonged to, etc. This is yet another reason why I want to read more. Also, the fact that the jar had emptied out was a nice touch.

13. "...the towel back around her body...stuffed the jar back..." This sentence would sound better if it is rephrased because "back" is repeated twice in the same sentence. Just a small correction would make the sentence easier to read.

14. I really enjoyed reading the interactions between Poppy and Amara. Again, these moments also felt very natural and realistic. It also made me wonder about Blythe. Is there some reason why she was absent? Will this be elaborated in the future chapters?

15. Big thumbs up for that ending there. It's very important for the first chapter of any book to have a good ending and I think yours is excellent.

16. Your story shows a lot of promise. The quality of your writing, the strong lead that is Amara, and that stellar ending ensure that the reader clicks "Continue reading." Awesome job. Thank you for sharing your story with us.

17. Finally, sorry for such a long comment. Again, ask me if anything is unclear. I am just happy to help and I hope that my comments have been of some use to you. :) - AmeVicky02

Network with this Winner:  AmeVicky02

1st Runner Up: ChelseyDugger

2nd Runner Up: ChayAvalerias

Final Author's Note: Whew! First off, let me just say that choosing a winner for my story was SO HARD. I went through every single comment again and again and again. It was an incredibly close race between ChelseyDugger and AmeVicky02 for the win; I literally debated for an hour over which one to pick because I couldn't decide! In the end, however, I chose AmeVicky02. Her comments were absolutely fantastic and her analysis was so incredibly detailed. Thanks to her for the time and effort that went into writing that review!

There were many others who gave me spectacular advice about what to fix in my chapter! Here are all the amazing people who completed my top ten: Pipsqueeks88, Tetras, Jsmada24, mokbook, writervid, Tegan1311, and twin_cities. Your advice was very appreciated and I can't thank you all enough!

And, finally, to the rest of all you wonderful individuals that reviewed: THANK YOU. There was not a single comment that I didn't enjoy reading. Everybody pulled out all the stops on my book and the combined feedback was magnificent. I learned so much on what to revise and how to go about doing it. The suggestions you all gave me were perfect!

I really appreciate the amazing comments and the time you guys took to critique my work. I recognize that there were several new commenters who just joined NBR on my chapter, so I'd just like to say welcome to them! Also, shoutout to all the new readers I gained through the NBR spotlight; I'm so gratified and honored to have more readers!

This wouldn't be possible if not for the phenomenal Dawn, for giving me the opportunity to showcase my work. Dawn, I can't thank you enough! :D

That's it from me! Thank you all once again and I hope to chat with all of you in future rounds of NBR! :D

---

Author #2: MarizaHaris

Book Title: The Chartreuse Deception

Specified Chapter: Chapter 14 (Due to the chapter exceeding 2,500 words, please read up to the third asterisk) 

Summary Thus Far in Book: Alex and James are facing charges for breaking into the school, hacking it and stealing the tests for the finals. They have gone to Skyler for help, but she has rejected them. After some consideration and having received advice and enlightenment from one of the few people she respects, Skyler has made an elaborate plot (for her own pleasure and fun) into getting the two boys to meet with her and reveals she has changed her mind. After a sleepover at her house, Skyler is to discuss their next course of action.

Author's Note: Hello NBRians! I am thrilled to be spotlighted! Big thanks to Dawn for making NBR and to everyone that will comment on the story!

So, usually the author's note contains only questions the author wants answered, but since this is not chapter 1 and many of you will get confused, I need to give you some information first. The story has 4 main characters, sadly Hannah is not included in this chapter.

I want brutal honesty. Doesn't matter if you hate or love it, I want to hear it and I want a why! So please do try to be honest, but keep in mind the NBR regulation about being rude. I don't mind "I don't like it!", I do mind "It's a piece of trash!". Just so we are clear! :P Also, I usually get a lot of "this doesn't add up", "you don't explain that". It's a mystery story and to understand everything you need to read from the beginning from the beginning to the end. So since you read only one chapter, you find something you don't understand or confuses you, point it out!

Here are the three questions I want answered.

1) From everything you read, how would you characterize the five people you saw? (Skyler, Anna, James, Alex and Simmons)

2) Can you discern the difference in the voices of my characters through their own POVs but also through the other MCs'?

3) What do you think needs to be improved in my writing of the scene?

Grammar and syntax mistakes are more than welcome!

Hope you'll enjoy the chapter and my characters!

PS: Please try not to misspell the character's names. Authors name the characters like parents name their children. They are chosen for a reason.

Genre: Mystery/thriller

Rating: PG

Winning Comment: "A pleasure to see you here Mariza! I am so thrilled that you are spotlighted! Sorry I am a little late to the game, with school starting back up and work being NUTS it was difficult to fit this in. But I have! Hooray! I loved the first chapters of this story that I've read so I'm happy to continue it and see the progress! I know how much time and effort you've put into this story so I hope I can give just a little bit of help in any sort of way (: I do NBR critiquing a little differently; I read on my phone and comment on here as I go. It might be a little lengthy but hopefully it is helpful. Okeydokey let's doo thissss!

-Nice beginning! I'm not sure what happened before and since this is not the beginning chapters I may have some questions so forgive me. I like the little insight to Skyler already. She and I are the same, we need a nice shower to function, haha.

-Slight suggestion that is so minor it can be overlooked. Instead of the sentence "She turned her head to her right" what if "She turned her head towards the sound of her name"?

-Oh my, Skyler seems like she is not to be messed with. Very sarcastic and snippy, I can dig it.

-Well this just got dramatic quickly. I have a sense that she does not get along well with her mother.

-At first I didn't know who Anna was but now I understand it's her mother. A very subtle shift I must have overlooked. I only point this out because I'm not sure if other readers had the same thing happen to them. Perhaps when you introduce her when she is calling Sky's name you could say something like, "Anna, my mother, had just arrived and she was.... Etc." Maybe something like that.

-I like the little tid-bit of her mother's history! Side note, I am curious where they are. When you say they are in a house, is it Skyler's house? And why is her mother busting in her room to get onto her? Or is Sky walking around with a towel on in the house? I was confused where we were when Skyler stepped out of the bathroom. Just a tiny explination could help. Otherwise it looks like her mom barged in her room to ask why she's in a towel. If my mom did that I'd be like, well duh because I'm in my room haha! But perhaps she's just walking around the house in her towel. Talk about confidence! I heart Skyler.

-Side question: is this Anna's introduction scene? I can see it being so because it is introducing her personality: she is a mother completely opposite to Skyler. Otherwise, it's just a scene getting onto Skyler for walking around in a towel.

-In the paragraph where Alex is upset because Skyler tricked him, there are a lot of "hers" and "shes" in this part I can't connect with who he is talking about. Is Officer Carlson a woman? Because when he says, "He remembered Officer Carlson and Skyler. Damn that woman!" it could be either unless when know more about the officer. I've read the first few chapters so I'm going to assume he's talking about Skyler. I'm also going to assume that he is talking about Skyler when he is saying "She is pretty, hell beautiful to be honest . . ." but again he could still be talking about the offiver without pointers here. But who knows, maybe Officer Carlson is beautiful ;)

-Sometimes I want to sleep on the street to avoid my relatives as well....

-So I see many people get frustrated with Skyler.

-"She simply raised an eyebrow and looked at him obviously puzzled." The word "obviously" can be taken out, but if you do that you would have to reword the sentence slightly. Perhaps, "She simply raised an eyebrow and gave him a puzzled look."

-"The woman" and "the girl" confused me a bit. I am assuming the woman is Anna and the girl is Skyler although they are both women. For a second when you said "the girl scoffed" I thought there was another character talking. It would work well with just "Skyler scoffed" or "Anna said modestly".

- There is a lot of exclamations, but that could be how Skyler talks to everyone.

-It's funny because they are trying to get down to business mode but keep bantering about something. They are easily distracted like my friends and I, especially when it comes down to being serious. I do like to get on to the mystery part though and their planning. Instead of pushing Sky's buttons I want to know what is going on with this little scandal. I have a problem with loving my characters so much that I could write multiple scenes of them talking to each other, I have to remind myself to get on with the plot some times. There is some of that here although I do love hearing the backstory of the characters. There is just so much to them! Perhaps you could sprinkle it throughout the story instead of just this chapter.

-Nice little pop in with Simmons! Nice twist of event.

OKAY! Let's break this bad boy down a little further. My main focus isn't on grammar, I like looking at plot and characters. For the comment topic: Which part pulled me in? I really enjoyed them having breakfast together. It brings back memories, but I had to question why it was significant. My professor once taught me that after I write a scene (or before, preferably) ask myself what it does for the story/plot. Is it there because I just like my characters and they are amazing and I want to write about them eating BBQ? Or is there something hidden in the scene of them eating BBQ that helps the plot later on? Same with this scene, I have a feeling it's significant because it is showing Alex something he isn't used to: a family setting. That was very sweet. I could be wrong, but that's just my guess.

Skyler: She is a very bold character and a bit of a smart-a**. I like her at parts, and then I don't at others. Mainly the way she talks to her mother although sometimes that's just people's personality, but it can also come across as rude.

Anna: She seems like a nice mother. My mom would get onto me for walking around in a towel as well. Plus she makes awesome food so that's awesome! I feel like there can be more done with her character, and maybe there is later on. Especially her relationship with her daughter.

James and Alex: I group them together because I often got them confused. They are so similar I had to go back a few times to make sure I was talking about the right character. I feel like there is a lot going on with Alex and James likes to push Skyler's buttons. Some times its funny, but when they are trying to get serious I'm like, "Get it together James!" lol

Simmons: I don't know much about him yet since he was introduced at the end. But based on Skyler's reaction he seems to be very interesting and possibly unpleasant? Although Skyler seems to think that about lots of people, lol.

All in all I really enjoyed this! I would possibly cut down the bantering between the three because it slows down the plot some and I really want to get to the juicy part. It shows a lot about their character, but it can be used in other parts as well. Still, great job Mariza! I'm so sorry that this is long, but I hope it can be of some help (: - ChelseyDugger

Have a fantastic day!"

Network with this Winner: ChelseyDugger

1st Runner Up: swiftiegirl1010

2nd Runner Up: Heavenlyhash333

Final Author's Note: Hey again! I want to thank everyone once again, for all the comments they provided. I understand you had a great difficulty jumping into the story from the fourteenth chapter. It was hard picking the winner and two runner's up but I think they deserve it! I got some great insight to start my rewriting period.

---

Author #3:sma2007

Book Title: The Killer's Mistake

Specified Chapter: Chapter 1

Summary Thus Far in Book: N/A

Author's Note: Yay! I'm so excited to be spotlighted this time around. First off I would love if you would all point out anything I did wrong. Also, is does this start make you want to keep reading?

Genre: Action

Rating: PG-13 for scene sequence

Winning Comment: OMG!! Who's that hot babe in that picture on the top of the chapter!! Priorities people, right and ? Who could resist those amazing green eyes! Totally hot! Wait, is this chapter 2? *Scrolls back on I-pad* Oops, wrong chapter. Oh...that guy. *Yawns* Uh, whatever... [That's a guy's response to all the ga-ga-goo-goo going on over that pic on Chapter 1. At least, Ali gave us male readers a beautiful girl pic to ogle over in Chapter 2. Thanks. That's what I call gender equity! LOL!!!] heeheehee =-)

Pictures of beautiful people aside, I really like this story so far, Ali. I can tell from reading this that the readers are in for an interesting exchange between Liam and Irelyn. Obviously, there's much more to her than Liam anticipates. Indeed, the book description sort of hints to this as well. Having said this, my one major recommendation is to develop more of her character in this first chapter using different characterization strategies.

Generally, we can think of six or seven ways that a writer can develop a character:

First, through "showing" what the character: (1) thinks, (2) acts/does, (3) speaks, (4) feels, (5) looks like; (6) what others say about the character

Second, through "telling": (7) direct characterization

Okay, since you are writing in 1st POV using Liam's voice, that limits the characterization techniques to the showing ones and only those that Liam can observe: (1) acts/does, (2) speaks, (3) looks like; (4) what others/Liam say about the her

Characterization (2/4)

What should we really know about Irelyn? (Or rather what should Liam know about Irelyn at least at this stage?) Here are some facts about here:

--she knows how to fight

--she's tough cookies

--she's pretty confident and self-assured

--she does know something that that Liam doesn't (something big)

*see my PM for more on this*

While I agree with about Irelyan having a "silent power," I think a little more hinting at this would help. I would recommend developing some more of her characterization in the initial scene. (Not all readers are as perceptive of Tetras.) The key word here is "hinting," or "planting" some of this here.

I offer an example of where some of Irelyn might unfold. (Again, this is just an example, and you should be free to come up with your own thinking on this stuff.)

Characterization (3/4)

Drawing Out the Initial Struggle/Fight Scene: Consider having Liam use his knife on her instead of the gun. This will be easier to bat away and might give Irelyn the confidence to resist.

Irelyn asks, "What do you want from me? Money? My purse?" She's calm. This is good. Here Liam thinks she doesn't resist because she knows she can be killed, but it could be she doesn't resist because she knows she won't be.

She does fight when he mentions the boss. Here's how it plays out:

"I grunted as her feet connected with my shins. She managed to twist around and punch me (hard I might add) in the face. I felt my head snap back." After this point, he twists her arm behind her back.

I would like to suggest two things. First, notice that she would have the ability to run after her first punch, but she doesn't. To me that's significant and ought to surprise him a little. While he expected resistance, he didn't expect her to challenge him. Second, I recommend beefy up her fight skills just a tiny bit. So that it might read something like this:

__

She twisted around and punched me (hard I might add) in the face. I felt my head snap back. My knife rattled on the ground. She crouched before me, her fists up ready for a second strike. 'Aww, she's asking for it now,' I thought grimly before allowing my training to kick in it. She deflected my first attempt to grab her and jabbed me quickly in the stomach. While I gasped from the blow, I grabbed her wrists and forcefully twisted this behind her back. She kicked at me, but I blocked these and applied on her arm. She grunted. That's when I pulled out my gun and pointed it to her head. 'You better stop now or I will use this gun.'

__

Here, the reader gets both her toughness and a tiny hint about her fighting skills. We also see that she could have run away, but stuck around to fight almost like she was testing him. Make it seem that maybe it was too easy, that maybe she let him kidnap her.

Characterization (4/4)

Back to Irelyn and Liam. I really liked the dialogue that happens between these two in the car. I found the back and forth about whether to call her Lyn or Irelyan to be amusing (and perfect planting for later in the book). I do think that you want to be careful about when and why Irelyn cries. She should cry here and there, but this should not be seen as weakness. It's okay to have Liam be confounded by Irelyn and even doubt himself—as he does already. Irelyn really shouldn't be like anyone he's ever kidnapped before.

Overall, I really enjoyed this initial chapter.

Your question: Does this start make to make you keep reading? Yes. I did continue reading like a few others here.

I hope my comments were helpful.

Best wishes,

Chayton

Reply

Network with this Winner: ChayAvalerias

1st Runner Up: Darkened_Forests

2nd Runner Up: swiftiegirl1010

Final Author's Note: Hey guys thanks for all of the wonderful comments! I appreciated every single one because they all had something different that made me think about my story in a different way. I'd love if any of you came back and decided to critique my story again:) Thanks so much you guys!

----

Directions:

1. Go to EACH of the Author's Profile Page and Find the Book specified by the Author.

2. Write one Comment per Author but DO NOT write it here. Write it in the Author's own Comment Section. Be sure to Answer the COMMENT TOPIC and pay attention to the Author's Note.

- (Do not Comment on here. Only comment on this page if you have questions or comments pertaining to the directions)

3. All comments must include the #NBR. If you do NOT include #NBR in your comment then your comment is DISQUALIFIED. Do this: #NBR then Comment. If you forget to hashtag, simply post another comment mentioning #NBR.

4. Comments must be 5 sentences or more - remember the Quality Comment thing?

Remember: DIPLOMACY is defined as: the art of dealing with people in a sensitive and effective way

Remember: Never judge a book by its cover.

Remember: #NBR then write the comment.

Remember: Do not give up on the chapter. The Author chose it for a reason.