Comment Topic: How has the author developed a protagonist worth investing in? If you don't feel invested in the protagonist, explain why and how this could be further improved. Please address the Author's note too.

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Author #1: ChelseyDugger

Book Title: AfterLight

Specified Chapter: Prologue - Before

Summary Thus Far in Book: N/A

Author's Note: You have no idea how excited I am about this! This story is very VERY dear to my heart (read author's note if your curious about it's history). I have been working on it for years and sincerely want to have this story published. I've given up a lot to focus on it and try to make it work so having all of your help is amazing! I cannot thank you enough Dawn for spotlighting me. You truly are a wonderful person!

Enough rambling though, my only question is: Does it draw you in and keep you wanting more?

Thank you guys in advance! Can't wait to hear from you all

Genre: Fantasy

Rating: PG

Winning Comment: A slight disconnect with emotions because of a time shift. The first part is so emotionally packed: Evan truly believed he hated his parents when they didn't allow Hannah to sleep over and he had the balls to tell them. Time passed, he forgave them, and they returned to happier times. But then the time shifts to the car crash and the absolutely heart breaking reflection that he once told his parents he hated them.

Let me try to explain what I'm thinking (lol)—hopefully I don't start to ramble.

The time gap is a few years. That is a LONG time to get over this. The amount of time allows the heart to heal and past grievances forgiven.

So when Evan reflects at the moment of the car crash that he told his parents that he hated them once upon a time in his life, there is no longer an immediacy of regret. He's had time to get over his hatred or feeling bad about telling his parents that he hated them.

One suggestion would be to tie the events closer together, or maybe even allude to a simmering hatred that remained despite the bribery from his dad. Maybe that this moment of awareness of his father's imperfectness opened his eyes to a rebelliousness in him—though this latter example strays too far from the character you've created. I suggest the former about narrowing the time gap.

Now, I don't want to rewrite it for you or make you feel like I'm trying to change your story. But consider something like this [I've also included subtle changes in text within brackets]:

"I remember the first time I told my parents I hated them. It was the day before we went on a ski trip and after they told me that my best friend Hannah couldn't spend the night. They said that girls and boys aren't supposed to have sleepovers after a certain age, to which I called them many names and professed my hatred for them.

Network with this Winner: PipSqueeks88

1st Runner Up: Tetras

2nd Runner Up: GreatGustav

Final Author's Note: WOW! Seriously what a week! This was a crazy awesome experience and I am so thankful that Dawn didn't let me run away from being in the spotlight like I had originally tried. This story means everything to me, and I am so glad that I got to share it with you guys. All of your thoughtful and kind comments really made my day and instead of feeling anxious every time I got a notification I was thrilled! Thank you all for your amazing suggestions and edits that showed me things I never noticed before (:

I will be using it all very soon! I am glad this experience not only helped my writing, but allowed me to meet such amazing people. NBR is definitely an amazing contest that I am honored to be a part of! (: thanks Dawn!!! 

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Author #2: jjyves14

Book Title: All Because of Him

Specified Chapter: Chapter 4

Summary Thus Far in Book:

Author's Note: Hello! I'm not expecting it's my turn yet so I'm really happy that I'm going to be spotlighted. Thanks to Dawn Starling and to NBR staff for making this amazing sub-community within wattpad! Since this book was my 2015 NaNoWrimo project, it was kind-of (okay, pretty much) rushed. I'd be happy for whatever help you could give it to. :)

And thank you!

Genre: Teenfiction

Rating: PG

Winning Comment: Wow. I must say that ChayAvalerias and TetrasTetras offered some thorough and helpful feedback. And now I'm going to throw my opinion into the mix: there should be elements of both external and internal—for that creates a well-balanced story structure.

There needs to be some external force playing upon the MC to help drive the plot forward in some way—something that your MC can't control and that pushes your MC to act and react. However, during those times, there should also be a psychological (internal) change—something that your MC CAN control and will either have your MC submit to the external influence or resist it. The internal changes influence how the external force will ultimately play out.

Ying and yang right?

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Before we get into your plot and character driven elements, let's first define your subplot of this chapter. Every single chapter within your story needs to drive your story forward in a meaningful way. How does this one drive your plot? Let's analyze ☺

Summary: Lu Han continues to display a teasing and annoying personality to Jiyeon. Jiyeon, irritated, does her best to avoid him though oftentimes responds back in a way that encourages Lu Han's teasing. By the end of the chapter, one prank goes too far and ends up frightening Jiyeon so much that she faints and is sent to the infirmary.

The twist: The resulting situation was not Lu Han's intention. It was supposed to be another harmless prank to rile Jiyeon up. Why? Most likely he gets some sort of pleasure that Jiyeon continues to "see" him and pay attention to him—even though it often results in a negative perspective of him. Classic action of what boys do to get a girl's attention when they don't know how ;)

The result: At the end, Lu Han indirectly apologizes to Jiyeon and that act opens a new door for Jiyeon, allowing her to see Lu Han in a different light.

This chapter drives the story because what Jiyeon thought was understood hostility between the two shifts when Lu Han shows her a different side of him. This new side that she sees alters her own perspective of the brute and even, dare we say, introduces some possible butterflies towards the guy who "is perfectly nice" and who has "a lot of girls [who] actually like him".

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All right, now let's define your plot (external) based elements that drive this story:

1) Lu Han: the biggest antagonizer in the whole lot of 'em ;) He pushes her buttons to keep the forward momentum going with how she acts, thinks, and functions within the story.

2) Hannah: albeit undeveloped, Hannah is another external factor that influences how Jiyeon thinks and possibly acts. She is the best friend, the gossiper, one of the primary influences to Jiyeon's opinions and decisions. Possible twist: Hannah tries to date Lu Han AFTER Jiyeon discovers her feelings for the incorrigible Lu Han. Do you do this?!

3) Chris: Even less developed than Hannah (of course, this is just this chapter), an external factor that could possibly get in the way of Lu Han and Jiyeon's positively developing relationship after this chapter. At this time, he is so passive that he is not much of a catalyst for events but moreso a catalyst for her frustration—frustration that he doesn't do anything to stop Lu Han. The result? Jiyeon is indirectly influenced to stand up for herself and she becomes her own champion.

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Now for the internal influences or, as a better way to think about it, the psychological arc that Jiyeon will have to overcome as this story progresses. This one is less apparent because the psychological shift is something that happens throughout the entire story.

So I am going to assume that the overall internal psychological arc that will drive how the rest of this story progresses is as follows:

1) Her original feelings regarding Lu Han, although comfortable and acknowledged, gets flipped on its head when Lu Han shows a different side to her, inspiring an assortment of new and possibly icky and possibly thrilling feelings about Lu Han. The psychological change will either push her to pursue these new feelings OR to resist them with all her might—because, I mean, he's a brute right? ;)

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Now here is where I challenge you. A psychological arc needs something(s) that keeps deterring your MC from achieving the results she wants to achieve—whether it's to pursue these new feelings or to deny them until her last breath.

So for example, if the structure of the story is for her to pursue these new feelings, what external factors are going to disrupt the smooth transition from frenemies to couple status?

Les Edgerton in his book (go borrow it stat—it's witty and informative), he mentions the following steps to psychological arcs:

1. Your MC discovers what they want (or don't want)

2. Throughout their journey, it is your job as the author to create realistic deterrents in the story that will stop your MC from achieving their goal

3. So therefore in the end, when your MC has defeated all hurdles that were in his/her way, we can cheer him/her on and see a nice culmination of all their hardwork—because life ain't easy unless it's cheesy. Sorry lol. I'm hungry

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So what you've done with this chapter is you're at the very beginning of point 1—the discovery of something your MC might want or not want.

Your job is now to decide whether she wants it or doesn't want it and create some fantastic hurdles that she has to overcome ☺ Hopefully both internal and external.

This is where ChayAvalerias recommendation to "deepen" the plot comes into play. Based on this chapter, superficially, there is no set up of internal and external hurdles for Jiyeon and Lu Han to be together.

At this point, with the new budding feelings within Jiyeon and Lu Hann's reveal of a kinder persona, what is stopping them from dating? Nothing right now. They could start dating tomorrow if they wanted to. However, if you have that answered already, the thing you MUST do is embed some realistic breadcrumbs at possible hurdles in the chapters prior to Chapter 4 that will happen after ch4.

The difficult I see here is that Chapter 4 happens 3 years AFTER Chapters 1-3—definitely no way to start sprinkling in possible hurdles.

The last thing you want to do is introduce a hurdle that Jiyeon has to overcome out of thin air—it makes it unrealistic and you do yourself an injustice because you have a nice set up here. By adding elements prior to the discover of what Jiyeon wants, you add depth to your story.

One hurdle that I could think of is Hannah's interest in Lu Han at the beginning of the chapter—so if you go with that as one possible external hurdle towards Jiyeon's internal progression, then bravo ☺

Another could be her brother disapproving of such a relationship—though at this point it's a stretch and only something that COULD possibly happen but at this point, with his hands off approach to Lu Han's teasing, he isn't a strong component to an external hurdle.

And the last and possibly the biggest, Lu Han's own mental hurdle. This is someone that has been terrorizing her for three years—it's hard to turn off the defensive nature that she has grown accustomed to whenever he's around. I think this is your most solid hurdle for Jiyeon to overcome and one that Tetras says is a slow development—hence why internal hurdles tend to develop over the span of the entire story (rather than scene based hurdles primarily created by external hurdles).

The question you have to ask yourself: what elements in my story will deter the desired outcome?

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I think this story is very cute. The interaction between characters reminds me Asian dramas. Some people may not get this style of personality or even story telling because they aren't used to a whimsical, cutesy, innocent, and playful interaction between youth at their age—but plenty of Asian dramas capture this so you aren't coming from left field. More than anything, it's just an unfamiliarity with the genre ☺

However, while the interaction is cute to visualize as if I were watching a TV series or movie, I recommend developing a deeper storyline (based on the above recommendations). Why? Because we don't have that visual outlet to connect with the characters like we do when we watch an Asian drama. We must connect with them on the page and that is achieved by a deeper emotional narration.

Right now, the emotions are superficial: girl is annoyed with boy. Boy continues to annoy girl because he likes her reaction. Boy surprises girl by showing a softer side. Girl re-evaluates who this boy is.

I need a deeper connection with these characters to care about them, beyond my enjoyment of Asian dramas. I like this because it's familiar, something I've been surrounded by since I was a kid. But how about for those who have never watched an Asian drama? They don't have the same frame of reference.

That's where your amazing author's voice needs to come through. Get us into the mind of your MC. Have us feel the way she feels. Have us experience her day, her frustrations, her joys, her life.

You have a great start here. Now it's time to refine and deepen this storyline to make it amazing ☺

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An additional thing I'm going to mention beyond the above story structure are the time jumps within this chapter. We start with a reflection and internal monologue of Jiyeon, then we jump to the two girls walking home, then Jiyeon and Lu Han say good night but then it's the next day already and she's walking to school, then she's at school and goes to her locker, then she faints and ends up in the infirmary, then she goes home, then she's in her room and Lu Han surprises her.

Lots of time jumps with no clear transitions. If all these scenes are imperative, one of three things must happen:

1. Elongate the chapter with appropriate time and scene transitions for a more natural flow. This will help ground your readers within the storyline and possibly emotionally invest us some more with your characters.

2. Eliminate the unnecessary scenes or find ways to combine multiple scenes within one time period

3. Separate into other chapters—which could help with embedding hints towards possible hurdles your MC has to experience to achieve what she wants.

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NBR Question: This protagonist is worth investing in but only because it's nostalgic for me. Without that nostalgia, I don't have enough of a connection to your main character. Dive deeper, I know you can do it. You already have a solid foundation, now build on top of it ☺

Network with this Winner: PipSqueeks88

1st Runner Up: Tetras

2nd Runner Up: ariel_paiement1

Final Author's Note: I can't thank you guys enough for all the help you've given me. I learned so much and it's asdfghjkl hard to rank the comments that I've received. Everything is equally precious ; w ; In the end, I chose the comment that left me something that I could use not only for this story but also in my other stories. Everyone has been really helpful! A special shout out to these people who complete my top ten: ChayAvalerias, thedeadlypen, Tegan1311, The3dreamers, swiftiegirl1010, Heavenlyhash333 and RebelDynasty, and to DawnStarling and the the rest of NBR for giving me this chance to have my work evaluated.

Again, thank you so so much everybody! I won't let your efforts go to waste!

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Author #3 [Triple Crowner]: Tetras

Book Title: We are Dragons

Specified Chapter: Chapter 1

Summary Thus Far in Book: We meet Serai, the protagonist, in her self imposed exile on planet Earth. She hails from a species of shapeshifting elemental dragons who are worshipped as gods in their homeworld of Elysia. They are immortals and planet shapers, by virtue of their symbiotic relationship with each homeworld they inhabit. Her exile is cut short when Draven, her bondmate (a more significant tie than mates), comes to collect her, after being apart for more than three centuries. Onna was her guardian and of the earth element. Draven is of fire. Serai is water. More details can be found in my synopsis, which is too long to fit here, but I've provided the necessary info for the purposes of this chapter.

Author's Note: Before I begin, I'd like to acknowledge Dawn, the creatrix of this phenomenally unique contest. It's been an amazing and educational journey thus far. Thank you, Dawn, for inviting me. I'd also like to acknowledge the past spotlighted authors and the present ones. I am humbled to stand among such august company of astounding talents. And to those authors who have deemed my comments helpful - thank you. I owe my triple crown to you.

The chapter I'm presenting for you guys is my weakest chapter. I consider it my weakest because I was experimenting with a narrative POV that I Loathe (with a capital L and Psycho music in the background), and I am concerned that it might have compromised my characterization focus. I am presenting it because I'm at two minds about keeping it as it is. Depending on the feedback here, I might significantly revise the whole chapter.

My questions are:

1) Do you feel Serai?

- Does she have a presence and come alive in your minds or is she still a 2D something that you read, in your head, by the end of the chapter? Please expand on why she does or does not.

2) Serai is not human. It is important to me that readers do not find her familiar or humanised-even if they should understand her-and not just through her words but, mainly, through the way she approaches things and processes her thoughts (ie show, not tell). Please let me know if I have failed or succeeded in portraying her 'alienness' and, of course, why or why not.

3) Any other comments you wish to provide about how you felt, in general and in relation to Serai (and/or other chars), after reading this chapter.

Finally, please do not hesitate to ask me for clarification if my questions do not make sense, in any way. Thank you all for your exacting attention on this chapter. Happy reading (at least, I hope so).

Genre: Fantasy

Rating: PG

Winning Comment: "This is so good ^_^

I really like the plot twist; how Serai and the school counsel our Aretha same person. I felt really scared for her, when she went running up the stairs. She knows that if she goes back home, something bad awaits her people; but she's needed there anyway. I like the similarity between hers and Billie's stories: both wanting to run away. She has it all figured out for him, but not for herself. This is an awesome story, I will continue reading ;)"

Network with this Winner: @A7smarts.

1st Runner Up: ChelseyDuggey

2nd Runner Up: LizellaPrescott

Final Author's Note: At the beginning of the spotlight, I started with some relatively known aims behind my questions but, by the end of it, I must admit they took on a life of its own and I discovered the real reason my story had given me the questions to begin with. To this end, these NBRers have helped me in the following way:

HONORARY MENTIONS:

Ideas

Though not specific to the protagonist, @Winter-Soldier comment about the dragon people's magic and their effect on the species' ability to feel was way too cool not to mention. This added to my arsenal of world-building inquiries for the immortals and will be an interesting thing to explore. Cheers, mate! And then there was the enthusiasm shown by fellow triple crowner PipSqueeks88's comment on a possible interpretation of why the human hug had affected Serai as it did. Very cool :) Thanks, dudette! (Like I said, I think you're meant to be the story's "ideas soulmate". Unexpected but awesome find. Hope you feel the same.)

POV Question

Sarahklwilson gave me food for thought. Although not specifically related, her reference of pop culture use by Serai also made me realise why I had wanted to avoid the 1st person POV. Because it's a POV more commonly used now in the YA contemporary market which might give my WaD a "pop culture" association if I were to go with this POV in any way. Ugh. And I especially appreciated that she went outside her call of duty to read my chapter 2 to compare my POVs before giving her informed comment on the matter. Too awesome. Thank you, Sarah! And yes, I agree. I should stick with my strength of 3rd person POV lol

Serai's Methods

One aspect of this chapter that I've always question marked was how I've portrayed Serai's approach to Billie's problems. I'd always felt it might come across as rushed and non-committal (and some comments have indicated NBRers felt the same too), but I couldn't change it because I knew, deep inside, there was a logic to it even if it seemed unorthodox. Fellow triple crowner @Tegan1311's comments totally assured me that the logic came through. Her calm observations of what Serai was doing, on an emotional level, showed great maturity and wisdom. I could only imagine how incisive her approaches to emotions would be in her own novels. Loved it, Cheryl. Thanks for your gift of keen insight!

The 'Alienness' Vibe

What I was going for, with Serai, was a sense that she did not exhibit the normal human "weaknesses" of emotional "fluctuations" (humanisation). That her persona was relatively stoic, perhaps a little cold, and, when interacting with the humans, that she was considered with her actions. Fellow triple crowner GreatGustav's and fellow spotlighted author jjyves14's comments assured me that I had achieved this portrayal and in exactly the manner I had intended ie a "lab ratty", calculated feel to the way she studies and approaches humans.

Phew! Thanks, guys! :)

Wholistic Feedback

As NBRers it is easy to forget that we are also readers and approach the spotlighted chapters with our reviewer hats only. So when I get comments that shows a reader's approach, it provides a helpful "wholistic" touch to the spotlight experience. To this end, I want to thank fellow triple crowner ChayAvalerias, Dark_Starlet and AmeVicky02 for gifting me with their reader's eyes in their well rounded and uplifting comments. And a special shout out to @ChayAvalerias , a predominantly non-fiction writer (hence all that referencing!

Oy! >.< ), for being open to my unorthodox writing ideologies and for gifting me with his first unconventional NBR review (unconventional compared to his usual MO). I loved it, Buddy! Thanks! Not bad for Plot Man ;)

CHARACTER MELD

Ok, now to the crux of my questions. I really have to thank you guys. The NBRers who tackled question 1—because some just stoffed it lol—were fantastic. It helped me to determine whether my characterisation skills sank or swam in this POV.

2nd runner up: LizellaPrescott 's pick on Serai's melancholic voice and how she wants to understand emotions in the human world, but just can't quite do it, was great. That was one thing I really wanted to project across was a sense of sadness with Serai that stems partly from the lack of belongingness in the world she has adopted. In this way, Lizella had understood the "alienness" question as well but from an emotional angle that was intrinsic to the character. Aside from being non-human, Serai was also an 'other' because she did not and could not belong and her melancholic vibe was the window to this aspect of her. Thank you, Lizella, for picking that up :) As the responses came in, I grew a bit :( that I might've not managed this but your comment reassured me that the sense of it was there.

1st runner up: Fellow spotlighted author ChelseyDuggey 's focus on Serai's reaction to tears was amazing. It was completely an unintentional character plant on my part but what was significant about Chelsey's focus on this was the fact that tears are something that dragons have issues with and, specifically, was something that had contributed to Serai's exile. One can't explain why Chelsey zoomed in on this detail except for the fact that she was able to get into Serai's headspace. She felt Serai. Awesome :) Gives me great pleasure to know that my chars are alive, despite the POV difference. And helped me to remember this added dimension to Serai. Now... drum rolls for the winner, please...

Winner: The following NBRer's comment just blew me away. I picked it because she gave me both the confirmation I needed, ie that I could write the way I do even in this POV, and an unexpected gift of a reader soulmate for the story, which had been my story's hidden agenda for getting me to ask these seemingly vague questions all along. The winning commenter is A7smarts. Her succinct,

but perfect, comment (which had me buzzing with 'recognition' when I first got it)

Firstly, at the line where she's feeling Serai's fears, she was no longer the reader. She's become Serai and is pounding up the stairs with her. Even though she's saying "I felt really scared FOR her" I know she's in Serai's body because she's then sensing what's inside Serai's head ie that Serai's afraid of theconsequences of what will happen if she goes back. How do I know that?

Because even though I had said that Serai was thinking it will be the end, if she goes back, my words had been pointing towards it being the end of Elysia, her homeworld, instead; nothing about it being the end of her people. My summary of the fact that she's a planet shaper also sets up this whole suggestion that the end was all about the planet, not about the dragons. Serai's words to Draven immediately after was also about Elysia, again nothing about her people. It could have only taken someone who was in Serai's head and body to know that Serai was thinking of her people at that time. Someone who truly felt Serai. Because the immediate reference prior to this was about Onna. And of all the dragons, Serai was closest to Onna. This reader didn't buy into the whole planet thing. She didn't approach with logic. She was open to Serai, in a very intimate way. And she felt Serai's concern for Onna, her only clan ie "her people", even if that connection had not been a conscious one. She had intuitively made this link, by being Serai.

Secondly, the fact that she got the similarity between Billie and Serai's life. No one else had. Even I had completely forgotten about it though I had fully intended that analogy back when I had written this chapter, in 2013. And yes, I sort of alluded to it with Serai musing over how she knew how Billie felt, but for this NBRer to then take that extra step and say "she has it all figured out for him, but not for herself." THAT was a heart connection. She was in Serai's headspace in that moment. She felt Serai. She was Serai. And she could've only picked up on this sense of helpless uncertainty from being Serai because those were Serai's fears from her struggle with finding her own destiny. I didn't write that in the chapter. It was implied. But she had picked it up because she had felt Serai. And in doing so, had allowed me to gain an invaluable ally for my story: a clairsentient

– an absolute boon for any character focused scribe.

I have approached this incredible NBRer to be WaD's reader soulmate. And she has agreed!!! *ticker tape parade* Expect great things for Serai's journey! Thank you, guys! I totally didn't expect to have found a reader soulmate (and hopefully an ideas soulmate as well) from this! And thank you so much for the NBR, Dawn! You made these matches possible :) NB] Aside from the above 3 NBRers mentioned above, there was a late commenter to my chapter whom I had found to be a "feeler" reader too. She's not WaD's reader soulmate that I can sense (because sometimes a story can call to more than one) but that just means she's available to be matched with another story. So I'd suggest you guys line up for a "book date" with her to see if there could be a compatibility recognition between your stories and her if you're serious about character development in your story crafting. I'm talking about AmeVicky02

~~ For those wondering what I might be on about with all these types of soulmates, I touched on these scribing allies in my blog:

http://kaiahoseye.blogspot.com.au/2013/10/discernment.html Any questions, feel

free to ask. :) ~~

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- (Do not Comment on here. Only comment on this page if you have questions or comments pertaining to the directions)

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Remember: DIPLOMACY is defined as: the art of dealing with people in a sensitive and effective way

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