Comment Topic: Show vs. Tell. It's fundamental in any good writing. Comment on the Author's ability to convey their story by 'showing' it to the readers.

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Author #1: TheJennyHaniver

Book Title: Nowhere is Final

Specified Chapter: Chapter 2

Summary Thus Far in Book: Eliza is on the run from a mad doctor who wants to experiment on her to find out more about her powers. She has her dog Ava, with whom she can communicate.

Author's Note: What do you think of the description? How would you improve it? How do you perceive the way the characters act, and what does this tell you about them as people?

Genre: Fantasy

Rating: PG

Winning Comment: Hey! So I usually do my critiques going from the top of the chapter to the bottom. First I just want to say you have a great cover and blurb and I think this is a very unique idea. Now on to the critique :)

1. Sometimes you used passive voice where you could use active voice to make more of an impact. One example is "she was looking rather stressed." It could be "She looked rather stressed."

2. Let's look at that sentence in particular. What does someone look like when they're "rather stressed?" Do they look tired, is their hair unkempt, are their eyes red, is her whole body tensed up? Saying she just looks stressed is a bit vague and hard to picture. Sometimes simple descriptions like that are fine, but since this is their first time meeting I think it would be good if you went more in depth.

3. It would be good to get some sensory elements added. Sight, sound and smell would be great. By sight I mean are they in a neighborhood, on a trail, a beach, or somewhere else? Are there lots of people around or is it a quiet time of day and they're the only ones around? Is the air brisk and cold in the morning or is it sunny and bright? You don't need to add all of these things in every scene, but it's good to have some of these elements to paint a more vivid picture for the reader.

4. I really like the interactions with the dog and your pacing is great. You show Lee's confusion quite well also.

5. "The dog looked freaking possessed." This would be fine if it were dialogue, his thoughts, or if this were diary-style. But it's just regular narration, so I'd take out the "freaking" and think of some other way to describe what Lee is seeing/feeling. Otherwise it looks a bit unprofessional (if you care about that. If not, go for it). Side-bar: I liked the texting the way you did it. I usually don't like it, but I think you did it well (no useless jokes or multiple emoticons back-and-forth, which some people just use to fill up the page). So great job with doing texting well!

6. I apologize in advance, this next paragraph is a bit of a rant but I hope you take it constructively. Taking her to a McDonald's and stuff I understand...but to a library also? Does Lee have nothing better to do with his day or is he a pushover, or is there some other reason he wants to help her so much? He's starting to get annoyed with her so I was surprised when he offered to take her to the library. Especially when she basically orders him to give the dog water. It's making me lose respect for him. If you have a reason for it, great - I think you should mention it in here somewhere. Otherwise, Eliza is getting more interesting since she seems to have no clue where she is. I wonder why. I'm also curious why she seems like she hasn't eaten in a while. That makes me feel bad for her, despite her bossy nature. And again, when she says she needs to hide...why doesn't Lee stick up for himself and ask why? If someone said they needed to hide in my house from a creepy car outside, I'd want to know why before getting myself involved. I dunno, it seems like Lee's a pushover. Is that the case? If so, I think you should say it, because otherwise it seems like you wrote it this way just to get through the chapter rather than considering how a person might actually react to Eliza.

6. continued...

If you have a reason for it (he's a pushover or something), then that's great, I just think you should say it because otherwise it seems like the chapter is rushed and his actual opinions are brushed aside simply in order to get the chapter written. I hope that makes sense!

NBR Round Topic: Show v. tell. I think this is good in most of the chapter, but I think it could be improved in the beginning. This is where they first meet, so it's a big moment in the story. I think more showing could be done when he's on the run, when they bump into each other, and in their first conversation before going to McDonald's. Other than that I think you're fine with the show v. tell balance.

Your questions: again, description was good except for the first scene of the chapter (though you did do some things well there, like her eye - bit confused though on whether she's blind in one eye or if it just has a cloudy color). See my #2 and #3 and for my ideas on how to add more description in that beginning scene. I liked the description later on and found it easy to read. There were very few times I was confused or had to re-read anything, so great job on that! Your next question was about how the characters act and what this tells me about them. Well, Eliza is bossy and clearly not from here. She's confident and doesn't seem to care much for people other than what they can do to help her. I like her though, and I find her very interesting and want to learn more about her, even if I dislike how she treats Lee. Jems seems a bit one-dimensional (good friend, happy, smiling and not much else), but this is our first time seeing her so I'm sure you'll add more depth to her later. Lee...he needs to learn how to stick up for himself. If you see my comment above about his personality, it's more that I'm not sure whether his personality is that of a pushover or if the chapter was rushed. Otherwise I think he's nice and has potential to grow.

Network with this Winner: masheena

1st Runner Up: thedeadlypen

2nd Runner Up: writervid

Final Author's Note: N/A

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Author #2: Regular_Guy

Book Title: HUNTERS: DRACULA'S LAST MEAL.

Specified Chapter: Chapter 1 (1) Kim K's of Monster World (only review part 1)

Summary Thus Far in Book: Joe and Daisy Turner had put Monster Hunting on hold, focusing more on school. But when their Uncle, Jasper asked for their help during the Winter holiday, they had no choice but to put on their hunting boots once again and go do what they loved most... Fight. Loyalty and Trust towards family was one thing, but when it came with secrets, then that proved to be a catalyst for betrayal. One man who knew how use it against them was Dracula. The once immortal was now dying and he wanted his final act of revenge to be against the family that caused him so much pain over the last three decades... The Turners.

Author's Note: 

1) One Pro and One con of the Chapter.

2) Was the chapter interesting enough to make you go to the next chapter?

3) How can I make it even better?

Genre: Action

Rating: PG13 for violence, it is an action genre book folks. 

Winning Comment: Perspective: This chapter seems to have a third person multiple perspective, meaning that we are jumping from one person's thoughts to another.

The first part seemed like it was third person limited perspective but that may be because the man was the only character introduced. Once we get to the second half of the chapter and the Turner siblings are introduced, then it becomes multiple perspectives, including a disembodied narrator. That's not official terminology lol but for me, a disembodied narrator is narration does not belong to any of the characters in the scene. For example:

- Joe and Daisy Turner stood in front of the man as he turned...meant that the two belonged to the most famous Monster Hunting family in the world. But the man didn't know that.

The multiple perspectives we are shown are the man's and the siblings. See below:

- Man's thought process: His mind questioned his body of why it was shaking, maybe it had something to do with him sensing a dark aura around the two kids.

- Siblings thought processes: "Don't you think that's unnecessary if we're going to kill him anyway?" Daisy asked, seeing that Joe was already prepared to kill the man as his hands played with his weapon.

What you should be aiming for is third person omniscient perspective, meaning that the narration includes all the thoughts and feelings of all characters present but more organized than third person multiple. Third person omniscient perspective can be very difficult to write. Oftentimes, it adds a sense of imbalance for the reader and a lack of connection to characters. We never find equilibrium within a story because we jump from perspective to perspective. However, there have been authors that have achieved this.

Here is a FANTASTIC article differentiating multiple and omniscient POV with examples also ☺ It lists out the pros and cons of omniscient. Take a read when you have time: http://www.scribophile.com/academy/using-third-person-omniscient-pov 

Network with this Winner: PipSqueeks88

1st Runner Up: jjyves14

2nd Runner Up: ariel_paiement1

Final Author's Note: I'd like to say thank you to every member of the NBR family for reading and leaving wonderful comments on my story. They were all wonderful and very encouraging, pointing out the silly mistakes I wasn't able to spot. I had asked for high level feedback and I got it. Thanks. Peace Out.

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Author #3:  Sidney-C-Grey  

Book Title: Beyond the Stars

Specified Chapter: Not a Con (Chapter 3)

Summary Thus Far in Book: After Gaige's prized possession was taken away by his foster guardian because she thought it was too dangerous, Gaige meets Captain Syka Tearce who has offered him a job on his spaceship even though its illegal.

Author's Note: Wow. I still can't believe I'm being spotlighted! :O

Alright, Questions for all you lovely peoples!

1. How is my structure, pacing, and over all wordsmithing in the chapter?

2. Are my characters interesting, diverse, and consistent?

3. What ways could I improve?

Thank you so much!

Genre: Science Fiction

Rating: PG

Winning Comment: Dear Sidney,

Thanks for the opportunity to provide feedback on your chapter. Unfortunately, I missed the first half of the week and got started on NBR comments late. So, I am holding up the rear here. The advantage in this position is that I get to offer you a summary of some of the suggestions you have received so far. I'll begin with that here, then I'll offer my advice and suggestions which relate to deepening sub-plot layers to the chapter through the use of strategic dialogue and internal dialogue of Gaige.

Across the comments, just about everyone loved your story. (Me included.) Only three general ideas emerged: description/telling, pacing in the beginning, and characterization/dialogue.

1) Deepening Description: Several commentators wanted more description. TheRecklessRebel commented that "I want to be that bystander watching this happen or be that person sitting in a move theater watching." thejennyhaniver  illustrated how physical description can be used to show Gaige's excitement. Tegan1311 really wanted deeper description, especially of the dock station. I include her comments here:

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There's no sensory perception whatsoever. No sound, texture (feel), smell, or color (besides the Captain's hair and clothes and the Commander's hair). The main description I see are variations of 'large' and 'huge', especially when describing the cargo bay or Station. Size shouldn't be the only description for anything. I have no idea how to picture any of this except for a large room possibly like a hanger (for planes) with ships docked though I have no idea what these ships look like either. I can kind of picture what they're doing or being used for but that's it.

Comments and Questions continued: And there doesn't seem to be other people here. Who's repairing the ships or unloading things? I also find it odd that they drive through a 'hallway'. That sounds odd. Maybe something like 'tunnel' or 'passageway' might read better. 

the3dreamers agrees saying, "I think you could add more detail in placed to show more. The noises, the hooking up of his craft the opening of the doors, his excitement/thrill of seeing X, the lights on the control panel, the Z-6 sat there like a shiny new toy he only wished... For me this scene should look like a Christmas morning to Gaige. This is a thrill of a life time."

I agree with Tegan and The3dreamers here.

2) Slow pace at the start. PipSqueeks88, Littlemissflawed, smallwinter, and all mention the chapter amevicky02 starts slowly. Jsmada24 offers one strategy here to increase the pace, which is to involve more interactions. "They go from one place to another and nothing really happens in between." Likewise, thedeadlypen suggests "expanding the events." She writes, "You might add more material so we get a better understanding of things. For instance, more on the internal debate of Gaige." [Actually, Sophie you stole my thunder, thanks! My comments will center on this internal debate, but more on him being suspicious. You're just too clever!)

3) Characterization/Dialogue. Wordsinsilk  felt that characters "seem a little, should I say, flat." Wrightstory   wanted to see more on Petra (which I agree, as she is rarely mentioned in the pervious chapter). I go back to Jsmada24 (again) with reference to his comments about the need for dialogue (in-between conversations). He worries that "Not even a little conversation that continues" as the chapter unfolds. I agree with him.

Overall, reviewers thoroughly enjoyed your writing. You got lots of grammar advice also, though you didn't me to point that out!

I am going to post this summary now, then begin crafting my advice on the chapter. Again, sorry for the delay. I'll probably be done with my advice in an hour or so after this post. Sorry for the delay.

When I give a review, I tend to have sort of a system that I use. First, I don't do grammar things. (I will offer analysis for advanced editing techniques, but that's stylistic.) Second, I usually refer to a concept or writing strategy. Define that idea. Third, I then show how to implement that in the story. You can see some of my other reviews in previous rounds where I discuss strategies of (advanced editing, layered-scene construction, characterization, and embedded description). [Yes, I'm a writing nerd with no life!]

As I mentioned in my PM to you, I want to focus my comments on deepening and then adding subplots to the chapter. Please refer back to thedeadlypen's comments about "expanding events" and to jsmada24's idea of "in-between conversations." Basically, the chapter will proceed as it is, but I will recommend that you add key pieces of internal dialogue and strategic dialogue (with some description) to develop two competing subplots which underlie the action sequences occurring. Keep everything the same, especially with Gaige's awed response to seeing the dock station for the first time (needs more description of course, but key experience for him).

Here are the subplots:

--Gaige's mistrust of Tearce/his suspicions. Currently, you utilize aspects of telling (narration) and direct characterization (see my comments for "No Where if Final" by TheJenniferHaniver for definitions of some of these terms). I would suggest that you utilize internal dialogue in key places to build tension here. This means, we need to hear Gaige's own actual thoughts (e.g., "Who did he think he was?" or "He doesn't look like a captain. Is this a heist?") I also suggest that you use strategic dialogue between Gaige and Tearce, where Gaige is trying to "fish" for more information about the Captain to determine if he's legit or a con. I'll point out a few specific places to develop this later.

-subplot2--Petra's mistrust of Gaige. Given what you have described of Petra from Chapter 2 and from this chapter, it is clear that she is a detailed kind-of-person. After Dunn mentions that Gaige gets into trouble, it is Petra who inquires into what kind of trouble. She would clearly be skeptical of Gaige's abilities and might even think that Tearce is wasting their time. She would probably attempt to quiz or challenge Gaige in the dialogue. For example:

"You're afraid of hoovering? Really?" Petra shook her head.

"Captain, are you sure we got the right kid?"

She would also try, at least indirectly, to communicate her disapproval to Tearce and hint that Gaige isn't their person.

By adding these two competing subplots, the chapter takes on a new level of meaning and intensity. Notice the odd triangle being formed in the "in-between" interactions here: Gaige pressing Tearce for more info + Gaige's internal dialogue versus Petra's skepticism and "attack" on Gaige + Petra's attempts to signal to Tearce that he's barking up the wrong tree.

Of course, Tearce will be happily clueless to these competing agendas.

Subplot 1: Gaige's suspicions

Okay, the strategy here is to introduce internal dialogue and strategic dialogue to deepen this sub-plot. I'll offer a few key places to consider this and a sample or two:

Paragraph 2 (beginning with "He had forced himself"): He'd go along with it. For a little longer at least. "It's probably a con. No one ever cared about any of my inventions. What was he after."

Paragraph 7 (beginning with "It's just an old word..."): "It's just an old word, is all," shrugged Gaige. "Where did you say you were from again?" [notice in this sample, Gaige is digging for more info. He's not really smiling or laughing. He's suspicious.]

Paragraph 8 (beginning with "They stood silently"): ...Petra Rezal drove up in a large hovercraft, the kind with a sort of enclosed trailer at the back, perfect for carrying his smaller, one person machine, almost as though they were expecting to be moving something. "Wait, how did they know I was working on this? Are they trying to steal my technology? I got so close to finishing it, so close to making it do the impossible." He wiped his now sweaty hands on his pants. "They're going to steal it." [See how that sample dialogue really builds the tension here. It also spikes the reader's attention.]

Paragraph 10 (beginning with "Deep down.."): Include a internal dialogue about doing illegal work as a mechanic being "fishy" or something like that.

Other moments for internal and strategic dialogue would include (as I think you already have some of it) the debate on where to work on it, his fear of riding in "their" hovercraft (e.g., what if they kidnap him?), and dialogue on the way there.

I hope you can see how deepening this sub-plot can really add a unique dimension to the chapter, at least until he realizes Tearce is who he says he is. Given that others don't give Gaige the time of day, his suspicion of someone who does fits well.

Subplot 2: Petra's skepticism

Given that this chapter is limited to Gaige's POV, Petra will need to communicate her views mostly through dialogue and physical action. Let's look at some key places where this can be added into the chapter.

Paragraph 11 (beginning with "C'mon kid"): Captain Tearce was ready to move his machine onto the hover. Petra stood to the side, arms fold over. "Is that it? Looks like a clunker to me." Ignoring her comment, Gaige jumped forward to help...

Paragraph 18 (beginning with "Just hop in," he said perplexed): Comm. Rezal rolled her eyes and then jotted something down in her notebook. [that might be too mean; maybe she shook her head. Remember, she thinks this is a waste of their time.]

Paragraph 22 (beginning with "You'd think he was afraid"): Good place to throw in that sample I wrote earlier: "You're afraid of hoovering? Really?" Petra shook her head. "Captain, are you sure we got the right kid?"

As you can see, you do not need to make major changes in the writing to build these subplots (especially for Petra's skepticism). These small insertions of dialogue and action are enough to increase the tension here.

In the end, even though Gaige is satisfied that Tearce is not a conman, Petra still wants to see proof that Gaige has the skills he is supposed to have. She'll come around after he builds the hovercraft. So, in subplot 2, Gaige must earn Petra's respect.

I hope my suggestions are helpful. As the writer, you get to make the final call as to what to do with your characters and your plot.

Again, thanks for allowing me the opportunity to share my ideas and thoughts with you.

Best wishes and happy writing!

Chay.

Network with this Winner: ChayAvalerias

1st Runner Up:PipSqueeks88

2nd Runner Up:thedeadlypen

Final Author's Note: First off, I want to shout a big thank you to Dawn and ALL of the board members of NBR who make this possible every week!

And now, I want to thank everyone who commented! I learned so much this week I think my head might explode if I try learning one more thing! You all gave more advice and help than I could ever hope for, and made me a better writer because of it!

Choosing a winner was looking to be as hard as I thought it would be! I needed to be able to pick a top five not a top three! (Big shout out to my top five! PipSqueeks88; thedeadlypen; ariel_paiement1; Teagan1311; thejennyhaniver)

I was kind of panicking until Friday night Chay Avalerias messaged me to let me know his comment would be late. Little did I know that he would not only read the first three chapters of my book, read all of the comments I had already gotten, and write me an amazing review, but that he would go beyond all of that and actually make the effort to start an awesome author relationship!

That's why I chose Chay as the winner, because he did so much more than comment! He embodied everything that is all about, and I gained an amazing writer friend because of it!

Thanks again everyone and Happy Writing!

Sidney.

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