Round 19

Comment Topic: Based on the chapter you just read, what do you feel will make this story unique?

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Author #1: juli_monae

Book Title: Fyra

Specified Chapter: Chapter 1

Summary Thus Far in Book: N/A

Author's Note: Hello! I'm super excited to be spotlighted this week! This is my first story on wattpad (or that I've written in general), so I can't wait to hear any advice! I can take constructive criticism, so please feel free to point out anywhere I can improve.

A few questions:

1. Is this a good place to open the story?

2. What do you think of the length?

3. Did you enjoy it?

Thanks so much! -Juli Monae

Moderator Rating: PG

Genre: Fantasy

Winning Comment: Hi,

I'm jotting down notes as I go so please do not hesitate to ask me for clarification if some doesn't make sense:

"Darkness knelt in the corners of her cell..." You're animating an abstract, don't. Get us into the protagonist's POV first. We need to feel her pitiful state first before we can empathise with the fact that she feels mocked. How, exactly, does darkness mock someone? And what makes her state pitiful? Eg "She watched the gloom in the four corners of her cell – cellmates, all, they seemed alive; and they mocked her. For being mortal, for being afraid, cold and pathetic, sprawled out on the floor of her prison, shivering so hard she could barely scream to find her bearings on reality."

How is cold a lack of feeling?

"Fyra had always found comfort in warmth, found a home in the flames that had also brought her downfall." I really don't get what you're trying to say here. Can you expand? Where did the home in flames come from in the narrative so far? What are you referring to?

"She didn't even have enough moisture left..." who is the "she" that you are referring to now? Fyra or the girl friend ("That girl had never allowed...") that she lost? And then who is the "him" that she should have just left alone? Oh, I see, did Fyra just call herself "that girl"? You've got too many things happening here, you need to list them out and pace them, not mix them all together. I think it's a good device to make the reader aware of how mixed up her thoughts are, given her condition, but you have to prep the way for the readers to know that it's all jumbled up because she's losing touch with reality. As it is, at the moment, it looks like it's jumbled up because the writing is all jumbled up.

I suggest something like "She found it hard to keep lucid. Images of her mother being drowned in freezing waters came to the fore. When they took Athan, Fyra remembered that it was the night of the first fall winds. She remembered because of the cold. Fyra hug herself further into her foetal ball of nothing, the ground seared through her skin and into her bones, an icy scythe. But it kept her sharp. It kept her alive. Even if she had to live through the pain, again, of their faces fading away from her, taken and killed because she had interfered.

Athan. She curled and sobbed tearlessly..." ... something like that. Just have the past interspersed with what's happening to her physically. Link her present physical discomfort with her painful past reminiscing and be lucid about the order of the person you're describing and what happened to them, even though the mention might be short and choppy because she's phasing in and out of reality. Take control of the fall from lucidity here. Don't let it slip away from you. Also, you mentioned the mother but then all her pain stemmed from losing Athan. Not much mention of her grief over losing her mother after. Not sure how you can adjust that but I thought I'd just bring that to your attention since the loss of her mum seemed to be one of the main catalyst in her life yet there wasn't much importance placed on that event here.

"but all to often the prisoners screamed... " —> "but all too often..."

If Cirian was wondering about the strange men, he should say that after the servant girl mentioned it. "What? Screaming? From whom? And what strange men?" That would be the more logical thought progression.

"There he saw her, being dragged by two men he did not recognise, and _who_ were most certainly not the soldiers stationed in the castle."

Ok, the two strange men saw Cirian and ran. Cirian's at the doorway at this stage, how did they manage to run past him without him drawing a sword on them?

Reply

Why was he marvelling at the girl in his grasp? Expand. Is this necessary at this stage?

"muttering intelligibly" —> "muttering unintelligibly"

"fainted in her arms" —> "fainted in his arms"

The description of the other door, in the adjoining room, that led to a bathing room, how did she know it would lead to bathing room?

How long has she been in the cell before? How much was her suffering? For the trauma and agony she seemed to have felt in the cell, I expected her to be a bit battered, too weak to be able to just get up and walk without some twinges or pain.

I think her internal monologue should be the first thing we read in this chapter. Or introduced earlier, possibly after the first or second para.

Her angry monologue, along with her normal gait, suggests to me that she is healthy, hasn't suffered hunger or torture or being roughly manhandled in the past few weeks. If she had been, she'd want to conserve her strength and energy.

Ok... to answer the questions:

What I'd feel would make this story unique is an explanation of why the fact that she's essentially a fire bender defines the world and her existence. What's so different about her ability with fire and why would she be persecuted for it? That's the bane of her existence, right? I'm assuming that's why her mum and Athan was targeted too? Then that needs to be intro'd to the readers asap to set the tone for how horrific her existence, as someone with that gift, is.

At the moment, you've put the focus on her traumatic past memories, but there is no explanation of why they're significant to her that allows me to empathise for the character's suffering. Thus far, it just seems like Athan and Fyra's mum was randomly targeted. It's a tragedy but I don't see how it affects her. Let me explain – with her mum, Fyra was still able to see the good side to things. She remembers her mum's wise advice, and how her mum always saw the good in people. She's telling me her mum was a saint, I get that. But, aside from saying that she was traumatised by the sight of her mum being drowned and the fact that she wished her mum was still alive, there's no sense of "omg, I miss you so much, mum. If you were here, I could find the strength. You always had the strength. You always taught me to be strong. I'm trying, mum, but it's so hard. I miss you." something like that, you know? And with Athan, I'm feeling guilt but I don't understand her emotional connection with the guy. She says he's like a brother to her but aside from that, what does that mean? A brother can mean so many different things to different readers. He was the first guy who she told about her gift and who accepted her? He was the first guy who believed in her? He was the first guy who kissed her? What? Add those personal details in so that we can gel with what the connection was between Fyra and Athan; otherwise, at the moment, the connection is superficial. We're being told he's important to her, but we're not being shown. So we can't really feel it. Well, I can't, personally.

Reply

I think a good place to open the story would be her internal monologue. Because you need to set the slip from reality while she's in the dungeons and to do that effectively, you need to anchor the readers in what's happening first. Her internal monologue sets the facts. It sets out what is real. Thereafter, she can haze in and out of consciousness if she wants and the reader will be fine. We know what's happening.

I enjoyed the musical rhythm in the narrative. You have a punchy, epic tone. However, the believability factor in your world is weakened by the inconsistency between her supposed physical suffering and the lack of any signs of that after she's rested, for perhaps only a day or so. I'm not sure if she's been tortured or whatever. If not, why is she suffering so much in the dungeon? In fact, that's one of the things I'm not feeling in this chapter is her physical suffering. What is she suffering from, exactly? Even if she hasn't been tortured, the stale food and the way she was handled would've affected her health and vitality, surely. These things need to be shown to keep us with her reality. Also, your reveal needs to be orderly. Don't chop and change between the chars that she's reminiscing about so quickly. We're still trying to get a handle on what's going on. Every char you intro at this stage is a char in its own right, even if dead. So they need space to be allowed to develop their own imprint in our minds. Otherwise it becomes an overload and end up being a superficial exposition.

Reply

I would say the problem I'm finding is that you're writing in the 3rd person limited POV but your approach is 3rd person omniscient POV. When you're in the 3rd person limited, you're allowed to go in depth emotionally in the char. When you're in the 3rd person omniscient, it's a skim and a tell, not a lot of subtle showing. I'd suggest make up your mind about which 3rd person POV you want and if you choose the limited one, delve into the char and show us WHY they're feeling what they're feeling.

An additional note: I'm not sure how it adds to your chapter to intro Cirian this early on. I don't get a sense of him after this chapter other than the fact that he was the "pretty boy" whose arms she collapsed into. I would recommend intro'ing him in later chapters because this is Fyra's story and this should be Fyra's chapter. Plus, he's an alive major char and any attention on him now would detract from us needing to understand Fyra's Athan and mum, both subtle dead, but still significant, chars. We need to get Fyra and the players in her life set in our minds before getting to know new chars. Cirian is a distraction. You could easily write him out with the fact that Fyra got accosted by two strange men. She struggled, and the next thing she knew, she saw these beautiful blue (?) eyes before she passed out.

Hope that helps. - Tetras

Follow this Winner: Tetras

1st Runner Up: PipSqueeks88

2nd Runner Up: jyves14

Final Author's Note: Between the approaching holidays, family drama, and finals, this week has definitely been a rollercoaster. With every comment, my day got a little brighter.

All of the amazing comments I received have shown that with all your help and some hard work, I can really make something of the story I started on a whim. I honestly never thought I'd receive this kind of feedback, and while it was overwhelming at first, I'm thankful for every comment.

I'd also like to give a big thanks to Dawn for introducing me to NBR, as well as giving me the chance for the spotlight.

Once again, thanks to every commenter! Happy Holidays! 


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Author #2: FlamingSkyNight

Book Title: Cloaked

Specified Chapter: Chapter sixteen: Planless

Summary Thus Far in Book: When Claec was a child, he was forced by his uncle Chandler to kill his parents, to save his little sister. All this only because Chandler wanted to take the throne from Claec's father, making himself the country's king. Now, twelve years later, Claec tries to take revenge. Attempting to kill Chandler, who is now king, he fails miserably and is thrown into prison. It is decided that he will be sent to a prison island called the swamps, a place that is said to be worse than death itself and he is taken to a bunch of other prisoners with the same faith.

There is some violence in this chapter, like blood and some fighting. Nothing big, but if you don't like it I totally understand.

Author's Note: First of all... YAY I get to be in the spotlight!

*dancing around the whole house, crashing into everything*

Okay, I just had to share my reaction when I found out. So, I really did not think it would be this hard to chose a chapter to be spotlighted, really its hard. But I am so happy to get the chance to have help getting better, so thank you already now for reading. :)

What I would like to know is:

1. Are there enough descriptions? And if not, where do I need more? I always feel that I have to much characters and story and to little surroundings, mood and atmosphere.

2. Is the chapter realistic enough? I sometimes think that everything I write is just a big chunk of cliché or mainstream.

3. I have no idea what else to ask, but maybe if you see any grammatical errors point them out? I would appreciate if you told me anything else you see, that I could do better or different.

Feel free to rip this chapter apart, and if you liked it please read the whole book? :) Thanks again.

Moderator Rating: PG-13 some violence (it's an action genre, after all)

Genre: Action

Winning Comment: Let's tackle your chapter paragraph by paragraph or chunks of paragraphs to clean it up and hopefully answer all three of your questions as we go along.

First Paragraph:

The formatting for this threw me for a loop. I'm not sure if the rest of your chapters include formatting like this at the beginning, but when I saw this, I had two thoughts: (1) Is this a flashback or memory? (2) Is this an internal thought? And then the actual chapter started, and I felt unsure how the italicized section tied into the rest of the chapter.

Btw, loved that you knew to place a comma before a conjunction that connected two independent clauses. FANTASTIC!

The sentence "My brother, how much I longed to see him, cry because of the loss of our parents" needs to be cleaned up. I wasn't sure what you were trying to say. Is he crying? Is the speaker crying? Do they both cry? Lol. Clarity needs to be established. Consider the following revision: "My brother...how much I longed to see him." And then flesh out what you mean by the other part of the sentence.

I love the emotion in the sentence: "We were both empty shells of who we once used to be. Feine looked like a shadow had poisoned his mind, hate and guilt presenting themselves on his face." However, I also think you can dig deeper. This right now is good, but you can really dig into the physical result of his poisoning of the mind. How did hate and guilt present themselves on his face? What physical representation is there? I'm going to quote a paragraph from my book as an example. A divorce leaves my MC's mother emotionally crippled. Here's the quote:

"Mom sits in an armchair in the living room, her back to me. An unseen burden tugs her usually upright shoulders down and in. Her chin rests on her chest as if she hasn't the strength to keep it elevated. I crouch in front of her and discover deep shadows below her sleep-deprived eyes. It seems within a single night, sorrow has managed to etch its marks on her."

I could have just said her mom looked sad and defeated. Instead, I painted a picture of what I want my readers to envision and paid careful attention to the particular words I used to better create tone. I didn't have to go from head to toe, narrating every single bit about her. Instead I highlighted three things and painted a picture around that: her chin, shoulders, and eyes, three things that emote the tone I'm trying to convey.

The phrase "Keva only stood and watched her twin get eaten by a hunger for vengeance, a tear rolling down her cheek." Separate the first part and the second for better flow because you introduce her twin and it almost seems like the tear rolled down her twin's face—when I assume it's Keva correct? Anyway, the phrase "eaten by a hunger for vengeance" I don't think is correctly use. Eaten away maybe? But here, I'm thinking her twin was actually eaten lol. Also use words like "only" and "really" sparingly to emphasize important parts. If you can get rid of it without loss of meaning, do so. Here's a possible revision: "Keva stood and watched as hunger for vengeance ate away at her twin. A tear rolled down her cheek." Lol even that makes me laugh...hunger for vengeance ate away...idk. It sounds better but I still imagine this cute little monster munching away. Ok...off THAT tangent.

HOLY CRAP WAS THAT JUST THE FIRST PARAGRAPH? I apologize ahead of time.

First REAL paragraph of chapter:

I assume in the chapter prior you've set up the idea that the prisoners are being escorted to a different location and that your MC is being carried out. Assuming this, I would say that "Fresh air filled my lungs" is stronger without the words that follow it. Think of the sharp inhalation you'd take after being so long inside a dank, dirty prison only to breathe fresh air in for the first time. By simplifying this sentence, you emote the rush of breath. Small nuances like this really build tone and imagery.

First through third paragraph: Now this whole part seemed drawn out and meandered from random though to random though. Consider this: you are about to make a big scene to complete your goal: obtain the keys and possibly a weapon. You'd be all nerves and excitement, ready to execute whatever plan you do or do not have. So the meandering thoughts take away from the moment.

I would start with your first line: "Fresh air filled my lungs." And then dive into the emotional and mental prep that your MC experiences prior to executing their plan (non-plan). Anything extra is a tangent. Some people feel its necessary because it adds to your character's personality, but when the scene is an intense one like this chapter, then I believe it's better to focus only on the relevant information.

I do however like the whole senses sharpening thing—though I have to wonder how much your senses would really sharpen within a few minutes. Those who lose their sense of sight or hearing require time to adjust to the loss and find themselves a bit addled at first—the other senses do not make up for the lost one immediately. It would not be immediate as it is represented here.

Narration from third paragraph onwards

I felt a bit all over the place for the rest of the chapter. I had to reread parts again to follow the storyline. Action scenes need to be realistic and written in an organized way or else the reader gets lost with the mayhem of the scene—and not in a good way.

A mixture of sentence structure, unnecessary details, and awkward phrasing made up for the difficulty in reading your chapter. Here are some examples:

- Avoid wordiness if you can. E.g. "The feeling of approaching danger made my stomach churn and adrenalin started pumping through me veins." Again, if you can be concise, do so. "My stomach churned, and adrenalin pumped through my veins." The readers can deduce that his stomach churns because of the danger he is about to place himself in.

- Wordiness in the sentence: "As I was waiting for the distraction that Makya had promised me, my mind prepared for the risks I would take soon. Even after think long and hard on the way up the stairs, no plan had presented itself before me, I would just have to improvise." Consider the possible rewrite: "As I waited for Makya's promised distraction, I mentally prepared for the risks. Even after trying to come up with one, I had no plan. I would just have to improvise."

- Paragraphs six and seven includes some unnecessary details. Here is a possible rewrite that includes all your points but concising it down: "I needed to do two things: obtain a weapon and get Trace out of the stable. If I couldn't complete the latter, they'd probably take him to a butcher. No way would I let my horse suffer such a humiliating fate."

- Diction note: any way to use words to imitate the impact of his head against the cobblestone. E.g. Slammed? "For a short time, I hung in the air, floating almost. Then my head slammed into the cobblestone, sticky liquid pooling around me."

- Awkward sentence: "Then I heard the kid start screaming again, understanding that it was he Makya had called the distraction." I'm trying to make sense of this. I'm assuming the person screaming is the distraction. Correct? If so, there is a little bit of awkward phrasing going on here that leads to confusion. Because your MC doesn't know who it is, the narration should reflect that. By saying "kid", you make your main character aware of who is doing the screaming. And since he's in a haze, he definitely wouldn't be able to pinpoint the source right away. Consider revising this to something like: "Then someone started screaming. What's going on? Oh, it was probably Makya's distraction." Or something like this.

- Awkward phrasing: "It were those words that reminded me why I was in pain now, eyes opening to look at a orange afternoon sky." The phrase of "it were those words" is confusing. Consider going straight to "Those words reminded me why I was in pain now. And then the clause "eyes opening to look at a [this should be an] orange afternoon sky" modifies the subject of the previous sentence which currently is "It". Does "It" have eyes that look at an orange afternoon sky? My guess is that it's your MC that looks up. If so, this needs to be a completely different sentence. "Those words reminded me why I was in pain now. Above, I looked upon an orange afternoon sky."

- I'm confused about the action here (Paragraph "I only did this to attract attention to myself...") Maybe it's missing information but if he's trying to obtain a weapon you'd think he wouldn't want to draw attention to him. And the confusing part about this is who is he shaking. There are a lot of pronouns being used here but no clue who he is and the man strangling a kid. Consider reading and rewriting.

- No need to repeat that the character hit their head hard. This has already been implied. Keep it simple: "You brat, I will kill you, [since you're following this with the dialogue tag "I said" make sure to add a comma after you]"I said, my voice slurring slightly.

- There is a lot of extra thought. I would even delete the sentences from "The boy had probably hoped..." all the way to "the piece of meat I called my body..." This is extra stuff does nothing to add to the current scene. We've established that he has a concussion and can deduce he has a headache and not feeling well.

- The whole "other kid" idea is very confusing. I don't even know who this other kid is and the relevance he has to the goal of this chapter which is to obtain a weapon. And then you introduce a "trap", and I'm not sure why the guards would have a trap, especially since this is an unplanned moment by your main character.

- When they go to the cage, the kid that the guards are unshackling, is this the same kid that was screaming his head off earlier in the chapter? Again, clarity may be needed.

Realism:

In terms of realism, there were a few areas that I had a hard time believing could happen based on how you set the scene up. Ok, let's keep your note that your main character has a concussion and is bleeding out of his head. He's disoriented and borderline passing out.

First realism moment: If these are prisoners, I would assume that as soon as this commotion started, the guards would be on them ASAP—especially with the source of the distraction so close to your MC, he wouldn't have much time to react much less lie down on the ground in a haze for a period of time. There is too much lapse of time in a scene that should be action paced. There is a lot of "down" time, time that would allow the guards to right the disorder. From him falling, to his friend yelling, then to his friend helping him up and them having a side conversation, to a lot of extra moments of breathing and taking in the surroundings. This is supposed to be action packed. Consider focusing on only the essential things the MC would observe, break up the action into shorter sentences, and focus in on the primarily goal for each part.

Second moment of realism: With a concussion and being a child/young man, there is no way he would be able to fight a guard, especially hitting him with any strength behind the action or even "enough that [your MC] could just walk to get away from him." This phrase essentially undoes the severity of the concussion you introduced earlier in the chapter.

Third moment of realism: The phrase "No one moved, probably surprised that I had just hit their superior. All I did was walking, but without the stumbling this time, my head clearing slightly." I'm not sure if the guards would be passive about seeing their superior being hit. In essence, it should drive them to take revenge or take action, especially if a prisoner is walking around. And the whole "head clearing slightly", not enough time has elapsed to allow a concussion to heal.

And just for clarification, you mention a couple paragraphs later that black spots danced at the corner of his eyes and he barely stayed awake. The inconsistency of the concussion throws the reader off.

Fourth moment of realism: If this is a commotion, there is no way the other guards would just let the MC walk up to any of them and no way that he would be able to tackle a guard to the ground. Here are a couple reasons why: (1) concussion and (2) size. And no way during a tussle could a concussed kid remove a bundle of keys or even a weapon as easily as it is portrayed. Plus, the guard would be conscious of such a thing, if not during, then afterwards.

NBR Questions: This chapter is unique in that you seem to really know your characters—which is, of course, good. The only thing I'm seeing is that you are showing us so much of your characters that the description and tangents often detract from your plot and story progression.

Your Questions:

1. There is a mixture of too much descriptions within areas that can be toned down: e.g. internal thoughts, opinions, external events that may have nothing to do with the action of the moment. And then there are not enough descriptions in areas that define the action of the chapter—I'm left wondering what is truly going on.

2. Realism is discussed above -PipSqueeks88

Follow this Winner: PipSqueeks88 

1st Runner Up: ChayAvalerias

2nd Runner Up: Tegan1311

Final Author's Note: Thank you all so much for helping me with this chapter. I learned so much this week, from both the super long or short comments and the harsh or nice ones. It was really hard choosing the winners because all of you helped me so much. Now that I feel like I have learned so much I'll start editing the whole chapter (and book ). Again thank you, I'm really glad I got the chance to be spotlighted. :)

*Hugs everyone*

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Author #3: jadedecamps

Book Title: Karma

Specified Chapter: Chapter 1

Summary Thus Far in Book: N/A

Author's Note: I think I should begin with a thank you to Dawn for this opportunity to showcase undiscovered talent! Some of the works I have read are truly brilliant!

Okay, my questions are as follows...

1. Does this chapter make you want to read on?

2. What do you think of the Main Character?

3. Did you enjoy it, even if it isn't your favourite genre?

Thank you :)

Moderator Rating: PG-13

Genre: Mystery/Thriller

Winning Comment: I really liked this chapter. You know, I'm happy for the glue stick man. I hope the two of them get on swimmingly. It takes a bit of time to get over the boredom at the first part of the novel - I like how you convey her frustration with him, but with enough humour in the narrative that the reader didn't get bored themselves. Your writing style is really good and easy to read as well, which is a major plus. The pacing overall was pretty neat - apart from a few lags here and there - and the characterisation was done well. Evelyn is the only character who has really been fleshed out properly, but as I suspect this chapter was supposted to be an Establishing Character Moment for her its all good. Depending on how you /want/ the reader to feel about Evelyn, I'd recommend doing a little more to give Micheal some personality - all we know is he's a pretty rich but otherwise standard dude. Obviously he dies pretty early on after we meet him, but to make his death a little more shocking to the reader it'd be nice if we'd connected with him first. I really like characters, so this is my own personal opinion. You could also take it the other way and be like this kind of thing is so routine for the main character (extrapolating a little here) that we also feel detached from the whole thing. It's your book ).

As for whether or not I like the MC, I'll confess right up that I really like reading about people with a detached sense of morality, so I did like her. I think, though, that given she has no redeeming qualities in this chapter - not even a Freudian Excuse as of yet, that might be a big turn-off to some people. As I said, her narrative is lighthearted and witty and she's clearly thought this through (smart people: also a plus) but the whole cold-blooded murder thing is often a deal-breaker.

Like I said, it depends on what you want us to think about the MC. Are we shocked by her actions but end up sympathising, or is she just a terrible person through and through? Again, the synopsis hints that she's got hidden depths to her, a reason in her past for doing this, so I think the reader will give her the benefit of the doubt and read on to find out what the reason is.

I personally probably won't - but it's not your fault! The writing is great and you've got a really intriguing start - I'm just not really a fan of this genre, I guess.

The italics in the middle - dream or flashback? I'm just asking because the context suggests dream, but it's too specific to be one, and it's a little weird to have a flashback when you're sleeping if you know what I mean. I'd rather it was a dream, to be honest, because as a flashback it doesn't really add anything to the narrative apart from the MC's name (presumably?) and really (sorry) just sorta slows it down, if you know what I'm saying. A dream would be so much more fun to play with.

I'm going to assume the tense change in the second half was deliberate, because it was pretty consistent from the flashback. It's weird, because last time I wrote one of my characters killing someone else I also suddenly switched to present tense. I don't know why I did it, but it just seemed to write easier in present. Maybe something to do with the immediacy of the situation or to make it somehow more immersive. I don't know.

Reply

I will say there are a couple of POV changes in the second half, transitioning between Evelyn's and Micheal's. For example: "Before he can do anything so stop her, he feels a sharp scratch at the side of his neck." or "His brain is alive with thoughts and things he wants to say..." this sort of pulls the narrative away from the main character and can be a little distracting at times, so instead try to re-purpose these kind of statements from her POV. So like instead of "he felt a sharp scratch" try something like: "he felt him flinch as the syringe scratched the back of his neck." instead of "his brain was alive..." go for something like "the look in his eyes was so intense she could almost imagine what he'd say, or rather shout, if he was able..." you know? That sort of thing.

It looks like Tetras and ChayAvalerias between them have done a pretty good job dissecting the grammar so I won't go over that all over again haha. A completely random note about the synopsis - opening with "Evelyn Parker, an eight year old Londoner" made me initially think she was eight for the whole book. Which was a little weird at first ahaha (it's totally my fault but but)

What makes this story unique? Again there really aren't enough context clues to answer at the moment. I think the protagonist looks like she's going to be different because of her skewed morality but I'm still not 100% sure about the plot at this point because it's too early in the story :) I think watching her develop as a character and seeing the reason for her actions (not to mention those secrets you spoke of) will be something to look forward to in itself :)

Great work here! Happy writing! - twin_cities

Follow this Winner: twin_cities

1st Runner Up: MadisonRose273

2nd Runner Up: AmeVicky02

Final Author's Note: I just want to say thank you so much for all the amazing feedback. I will definitely take it ALL into consideration and I would like to let you all know what a great help you have been! My writing will only improve thanks to people like you!


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