Comment Topic: Comment on the Mood of the chapter. How did you feel while reading it? Substantiate your answer (remember the quality comment thing? 5 sentences or more).

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Author #1: nberry34

Book Title: Covers

Book Link: https://www.wattpad.com/story/27114061-covers

Specified Chapter: Chapter Four

Summary Thus Far in Book: Alia is part of the Underground, an organisation determined to overthrow the Society. The Society, which has been in rule for 100 years, forces everyone to become anonymous, to defend against the violence that came with differences and hence no one has a name, a personality or any specific features. Having escaped from school, she is planning to carry out a mission with her newly met comrade, Lena.

Author's Note: Oh my goodness. I can't believe that I'm in the spotlight. Eep. I only have a couple of questions, such as 

1. Does the dialogue feel natural?

2. I find that sometimes I can go slightly overboard describing things and using loads of fancy metaphors in places and such, so my question to you is, does this interfere with the story telling?

3. Above all, do you enjoy it?

Please feel free to point out any and all grammar/spelling mistakes. *Awaiting nervously in a corner for your feedback*

Thanks and enjoy! nberry

Moderator Rating: PG

Genre: Action

Winning Comment: Hello there! Congrats on being spotlighted! That's so awesome! Before I begin I like to let the authors know that I do it a little differently. I read on my phone and comment on here as I go so it might be a little long but hopefully it will help! Here we go (:

-Great intro! I definitely feel like I'm riding in the car with them. A few sentences you might want to look at: "The wind ruffles short brown hair around her face. . . " when reading this sentence it sounds like there are just ruffles of brown hair literally blowing around her face. Maybe try "The wind ruffles HER short brown hair"?

-Love the discussion of her name and how it flows into her personality.

--"...we easily carve through them due to our choice of transport." Now this part makes me curious because it was not mentioned before what kind of car they are in. If it carves through bodies easily is it a big car like a tank? Does it have weapons on it? It is big a truck? What makes it so significant?

--The sentence that begins with "The dark" and ends at "I can work out their story" is very long to me. I feel like this can be tightened up some. On another note, I really love the "picking apart and putting back together"!

-Pangea, nice!

-I like your descpritions of the people in the city. I love how they all seemed brainwashed, it really sets the tone for the story. It also gives a sense of them vs. us which I highly enjoy!

-Great job at working in the mother's death. It wasn't too over the top but left the readers curious

-The paragraph where she looks up at the sky and discusses the banners seems to slow down the chapter for me. By this point I am established with the fact that the Society is wrong, but the paragraph just pushes it even further. I like it, I really do, but I am interested in seeing where the characters are going.

-I notice that your dialogue is very well done, but it is buried with description and internal thoughts.

-(cont.) You might want to space it out so that the dialogue is more easier read and found.

-"Oh, yeah . Sorry." I open my door again.... (<-- take out period and put comma)

-Although her obeservation of the people and thinking about what it would be like before the pre-Society is very interesting, it again slows down the plot. When they say "Ready?" "Let's do this" I'm expecting them to get into the action, which they do briefly, but then it gets pulled back into her philosphical thinking. Some of this think can be spread out into other chapters because if this is the fourth chapter, the reader should know about the MC/s hatred already. Now, deeper in the book, this is where more action happens and plot really gets rolling. There is a lot of building and building but I'm ready to just jump in already. Kick their ass and take down the Society! I was fired up from the beginning, trust me!

-I noticed there is a lot of places that you use phrases like: I nod, I stuff, I pick up, I peek, sometimes back to back. You could try to use something like "I stuffed the lighter in my back pocket before grabbing the bottles of ethonal..."

-One sentence I looked at was "she dumps her ethonal in my arms asn I struggle not to drop them." How about :she dumps her ethonal in my arms causing them to shake from under the pressure." <-- this implies that she is struggling instead of telling the reader she is struggling (show vs tell)

-Oh yay action part!

-The paragraph where the crowd is trying to escape is well done but there are a lot of similes: "like a rough tide" "like a thousand fiery little punches" "like a knife through soft butter". Although these are all great, sometimes simplicity works, too.

-Oh what an amazing ending yet incredibly sad! It is definitely a haunting chapter but so well done! I will give my final wrap up in part three of this! (: - AustenSnowWrites

Follow this Winner: AustenSnowWrites

1st Runner Up: EmilyCharlotteCooledge

2nd Runner Up: writervid

Final Author's Note: Oh my goodness, why do you make me choose? I can't cope with this! Why must you be so cruel Dawn? :P Anyway, after near four hours (no I am not exaggerating) I have finally chosen winner. AustenSnowWrites, you won because you offered help phrasing an grammar wise and also read into it and really helped me out with my questions. Thank you for being awesome. You may continue. There were also a ton of other people who made it onto my spreadsheet, then my word document (Yes, I am quite the geek) and nearly got into the top three places with those being: Pipsqueek88, thedeadlypen and jjyves14 amongst others. Honestly, you are all so amazing , I wish I could crown you all winners. If this experience has given me anything, apart from some excellent critiques, it would be some confidence in my writing and knowing that Wattpadders out there that don't completely hate my writing. You were also all so kind to me, I'm probably just going to list you down in the comments so that I don't make this longer than it already is! But thank you all so much, for being so kind and lovely! 

*Leaves corner to skip gaily through a meadow somewhere*

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[Showcase Author - Wattpad Ambassador]: h_coyle

Book Title: The Anchored

Book Link: https://www.wattpad.com/story/35010852-the-anchored

Specified Chapter: An Ironic Peace

Summary Thus Far in Book: N/A

Author's Note: Thank you everyone for reading this section. It is the starting point of my book, and it is one that I am really proud of, that being said my questions are: does it make you want to keep reading, and what should I do to draw a larger audience? I feel as though it is solidly written (if I'm wrong please tell me I won't be offended) yet am wondering if it does not fit Wattpad or if I need to flush it out further. I could easily tie the first two parts together.

Moderator Rating: PG

Genre: Mystery/Thriller

Winning Comment: Advanced Editing (1/6)

Hello Heather Coyle,

I am writing as a reviewer. Thank you for letting me read your work and offer suggestions. Like many of the readers so far, I too am impressed with your skills as a writer. The subject matter of this introduction is a pretty difficult one; yet, I found the concept you applied intriguing. In your author note you emphasized that you are "really proud" of this introduction and that it is "solidly written." I agree with you wholeheartedly.

When I write (either nonfiction or fiction), I usually characterize the process in a few steps. First, is drafting. Second, is reading/revising for general structure, coherence, pacing, and other story craft elements. Finally, I commit the manuscript to a grueling sentence-by-sentence, word-by-word critique. In this final process, I "tighten" the work, removing any redundant phrases or words (conceptual redundancy, word repetition, passive voices, etc.). When it comes to tightening, I imagine a moist piece of yarn, which has been held taut in a downward direction. If you pour a droplet of water on that yarn, it should in theory travel from the top part of the yawn to the lower part. The tighter the yarn, the easier the droplet glides down. In this metaphor, the droplet represents the reader and the yawn the manuscript. "Loose" writing can easily distract the reader.

Also, in this final part I employ a strategy to critique each of my word choices I refer to as the Psychology of the Reader. Basically, I ask "What does this word do for the reader? What mental image or process must the reader undergo by conceptualizing this word or phrase?"

Consider the difference in these two sentences:

Sentence 1: The wilderness extends outward into the clearing, growing by leaps and bounds.

Sentence 2: The wilderness thrusts outward into the clearing, yearning for freedom beyond this man-made boundary.

In sentence 2, the verb "thrusts" and the phrase "yearning for freedom" a

nd the adjective "man-made" communicate very unique and intense imagery in the reader's mind as compared with sentence 1. When employing a Psychology of the Reader approach, I pay particular attention to the connotations and denotations of each word in each sentence.

What I describe here is an advanced method for revision and re-writing that I only perform when I am confident that the work is complete and whole. (Sorry, most of my work here are still drafts. My story, "Three Miles," is perhaps the closest I have posted on Wattpad that illustrates the results of some of this type of editing.)

I hope you don't mind, but I would like to perform some of this critique on your introduction to demonstrate how it works. Once again, I only recommend using these techniques the manuscript is complete and the writing is solid and strong.

The first sentence reads: "There is a silence, an ironic quality as I zone in." When critiquing this sentence, I would immediately question the vague language here. The word "There" leaves the reader uncertain about the context (this pronoun lacks an antecedent). As a result, the sentence clause "there is" offers little for the reader's mind to construct or imagine. What if instead, the first sentence was "Slowly everything comes into focus, the blurred lines becoming crisp and pristine." This sentence encourages the reader to mentally "focus" in, as one would a camera, on the scene that unfolds in the introduction. I also like that this sentence gives the reader something concrete to start with. This sentence also implies motion ("comes into focus," "blurred" "becoming" "crisp.") This movement of the concepts pulls the reader into the story.

Here's an example of a wonderful set of beginning sentences to what seems like an interesting and well-written story: "Martha had to pee. Again. She wasn't sure if it had to do with the alcohol she consumed or a bladder infection." (A Pound of Flesh, by Heather Cole). Notice the train of thoughts being imposed on the reader, which nearly drags the reader forward.

So, my first recommendation is to begin the story with the second paragraph. I think the reader will find this a more compelling first few lines.

So now the story begins with: "Slowly everything comes into focus, the blurred lines becoming crisp and pristine. Colors sharpen. Tones and shadows create depth."

I would keep some of the first paragraph to use later. I'll explain later.

Onto the next paragraph. "The ringing in my ears..." Here, I would "tighten" the writing to eliminate conceptual redundancy. Consider cutting out the entire first sentence. First, given the context of what is happening, awareness of the ringing fails to carry as much force as awareness of the "loud shrill." Second, the act of being "recognizable" occurs again when the MC realizes the sound belongs to her. After these changes, consider the movement of the ideas here for the reader in the beginning of the story:

Slowly everything comes into focus, the blurred lines becoming crisp and pristine. Colors sharpen. Tones and shadows create depth. [conveys uncertainty, a motion towards awareness, somewhat calm process]

A loud shrill noise pierces the air and assaults my ear drums. [implies interruption of the initial calmness, shows immediacy, converts uncertainty to confusion to panic] (By the way, I love the alliteration there!)

The first paragraph lulls the reader onward, the second one then smashes the reader into wide-awakeness. From that moment on, the narrative then ought to heighten the sensations occurring. Here I recommend postponing the laughter part. Instead, consider moving parts of the original first paragraph at the end of this second one. So the paragraph reads:

A loud shrill noise pierces the air and assaults my ear drums. Finally, I realize that the sound comes from me. I scream so hard my lungs burn on the inhale. Then, a shudder ripples through my body with the first shock of pain. The agony pushes bile up my esophagus; I choke. I turn my head to the side, coughs wrack my chest. (Yes, I did tighten up a little of the writing.)

When reading these new beginning paragraphs, think of the concepts racing through the reader's mind.

Paragraph 1: Uncertainty, Blurred, Focusing, Getting Clarity.

Paragraph 2: Disruption, Confusion, Panic, Scream, Shock, Pain, Bile, Choke, Cough

Can you see what the writing forces upon the reader's mind? The concepts build into a crescendo of the painful realization of the experience. Also note that these concepts start somewhat benign in the first paragraph, but transform into cutting physical descriptions. These words play wonderfully for the setting and the mood: shrill, pierces, assaults, scream, burn, shudder, shock, agony, bile, choke, cough, wrack. As you read these aloud, can you feel how they occur almost violently in the reader's imagination, as if each word physically strikes at the reader?

My final recommendation would be to juxtapose the violence being felt by the reader with the laughter of the attackers. Such a contrast creates a sense of disequilibrium and disjuncture in the reader's mind. Consider:

...The agony pushes bile up my esophagus; I choke. I turn my head to the side, coughs wrack my chest.

Cruel laughter fills the void. They laugh at my pain.

By using the psychology of the reader approach, I am forced to imagine how my reader might respond to each word and phrase I employ and how these combination of these words and phrases and sentences "moves" within the reader. This type of advanced editing, however, can be arduous and time-consuming. (Indeed, I would rather not admit how many hours I have spent working on your short introduction here.) Readers hardly (if ever) pick up on the deliberate intention that amazing writer dedicate to their craft.

Unfortunately, I admit that I do not perform this kind of editing as often in my fiction writing. I guess because I write fiction as a hobby. (Okay, I'm lazy!) Thank you for letting me engage your work to demonstrate this process. This type of editing can only really be done when the writing is already "damn good." You leave us no doubts: you kick-A$$ as a writer!

Oops. This might help. Here's the recommended revisions for the first few paragraphs that I discussed above in one post.

Slowly everything comes into focus, the blurred lines becoming crisp and pristine. Colors sharpen. Tones and shadows create depth.

A loud shrill noise pierces the air and assaults my ear drums. Finally, I realize that the sound comes from me. I scream so hard my lungs burn on the inhale. Then, a shudder ripples through my body with the first shock of pain. The agony pushes bile up my esophagus; I choke. I turn my head to the side, coughs wrack my chest.

Cruel laughter fills the void. They laugh at my pain.

If you want to know where to insert the phrase "an ironic peace," I think it could go near the end when the MC's mind starts to drift, to close off away from the horror of what is happening.

Again, thanks for this opportunity to critique your work. - ChayAvalerias  

Follow this Winner: ChayAvalerias

1st Runner Up: EmilyCharlotteCooledge

2nd Runner Up: writerved

Final Author's Note: I just want to thank everyone for reading and commenting. I was unsure what to expect and I never expected this level of response. Whether you liked it, hated it or were indifferent you still all took the time, and I know t hat is not 5 minutes to partake in this contest. Some of you even wrote comments longer than the chapter! I am floored at the level of amazing analysis, it was like having a large group of beta readers. I made some great connections and got to follow more amazing writers as a result - which really is what this contest and site is all about.

Also a huge thanks to Dawn and her team. This contest is a massive undertaking. 

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Author #3 [Triple Crowner]: Debismita

Book Title: The Paw Print

Book Link: https://www.wattpad.com/story/51082372-the-paw-print-yourstoryindia

Specified Chapter: Paw Print 1- Prologue

Summary Thus Far in Book: It follows the journey of a fifty-nine year old schizophrenic lady, Ellie Fernandes, through the last twenty days of her life. It is narrated by her cat, Doggie. From patching up neighborhood lovers to fighting for a dignified life, this story brings out raw emotions of humans through a cat's eyes.

Author's Note: Hello awesome peeps! First of all, I want to thank those authors who selected me as the winner of last three rounds, and making me a Triple Crowner! *throws confetti*

I know we have busy lives and hence, I've decided to spotlight a short chapter. I'd rather you critique a short chapter thoroughly, than skip a long one entirely. I'd like to know if the voice of the cat sounds authentic, and if the start makes you want to read further (don't worry, you can say 'Nope, this is sh*t'. I can take harsh criticism very well:))

Above all, Answer this question: DID YOU ENJOY? (because that's the whole purpose of me writing it in case you didn't know :P)

Stay awesome.

Moderator Rating: PG

Genre: Short Story

Winning Comment: Hello. Here is my comment:

Firstly, I love the voice. I can actually feel Doggie's personality here. She's all 'tude.

When the lady answers the door, though, I feel that the descriptions are too much for a cat who doesn't give a toss about human things. Stuff like "the man's eyes enlarged" and "the wrinkled hand took it and signed the said paper with shaking bony fingers" took me out of Doggie's POV as I'm wondering how she could've seen the guy's eye enlarging and why she went formal in speech on me. She doesn't know what "signing" means. I would find it more believable if it was "She took the paper, scratched it with her bony, furless paws and made one heck of a loud bang shutting the door."

Also, the fact that she recognises the lady's wearing pink slippers is not believable for me. Don't be afraid to really get into Doggie's POV and describe it as she would understand it. Maybe the slippers look like dead kill to her, a dead rabbit or something that have meaning in her world.

Keep the action connected to the person, e.g. "a pair of frail hands expertly lifted me to her lap..." made me think that it's a different pair of hands to the lady's. "She lifted me to her lap, expertly, even with her frail hands." would make more sense to me.

From the moment the lady opens the door, your prose goes very formal and loses the Doggie 'tude. Eg. "She... cried her eyes out, rivulets of tears flowing..." could be "She rained down her face." or something simple but animal-like like that. The "rivulets of tears" is too formal for a cat with 'tude. However, I really liked how you return me to the centre of her world, which is the swatting war with the fly. Just the difference in tones between that and her observation of her human mum before was quite a contrast in maturity.

To answer your question: I did enjoy it. I am extremely biased though because I am a specie-st. As in, I believe animals are superior to humans. So any story that features an animal in the starring role is just the non-dairy icing on my vegan black forest cake. On the writing vein, you balanced the internal dialogue and external happenings well. The rhythm was succinct and well paced. It's just the bit from where the lady opens the door until she starts talking to Doggie is a bit verbose for a nonchalant cat, imho. You might have to figure out whether Doggie's the type who is also protective of her humans (some cats are similar to dogs in loyalty) and so decides to take a vested interest in the door happenings. Or whether she's truly hands off, "I'm the centre of my world" type. Aside from that, I've added this to my reading list. I'm going to check in on Doggie to see what she's up to :)

Consider me a stalking fan-girl, Doggie <3 -Tetras

Follow this Winner: Tetras

1st Runner Up: PipSqueeks88

2nd Runner Up: EmilyCharlotteCooledge

Final Author's Note: To be added

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Directions:

1. Go to EACH of the Author's Profile Page and Find the Book specified by the Author.

2. Write one Comment per Author but DO NOT write it here. Write it in the Author's own Comment Section. Be sure to Answer the COMMENT TOPIC and pay attention to the Author's Note.

- (Do not Comment on here. Only comment on this page if you have questions or comments pertaining to the directions)

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4. Comments must be 5 sentences or more - remember the Quality Comment thing?

Remember: DIPLOMACY is defined as: the art of dealing with people in a sensitive and effective way

Remember: Never judge a book by its cover.

Remember: #NBR then write the comment.

Remember: Do not give up on the chapter. The Author chose it for a reason.