Comment Topic: What is the Protagonist's objective and how do you think the protagonist will evolve as a character due to her pursuit of this objective?

Don't forget to answer the Author's note too.

---

Author #1: unorthodoxxx

Book Title: 1945

Book Link: https://www.wattpad.com/story/42251954-1945

Specified Chapter: 01. The Martyr

Summary Thus Far in Book: None Provided

Author's Note: Hello! I have to say, I'm both extremely nervous and excited to be the spotlighted author this week. My questions are as follows: 1) Betrayal is a theme present throughout the story. Even though not all characters are introduced in the highlighted chapter, I want to know who you think might betray Marlene and her cause. I'm still in the process of deciding this myself, and am interested to hear your ideas.

2) Do you have any ideas for an alternate title? I chose the title '1945' because not only is it the year the War ends, but the year a vast majority of the story takes place as well. However, I recently realised that I am not the only author with this title, and am open to any suggestions you have!

These are questions I ask my editors, and would love to hear all of your wonderful answers as well. :)

Moderator Rating: PG

Genre: Historical Fiction

Winning Comment: First off, really good storytelling here! Spelling, Grammar and Phrasing were on point, and the pace and engagement stayed at a high pace all the way through. Your writing style is pretty much faultless - you're a very talented writer :)

Marlene seems like a very headstrong, ambitious character - she knows what she wants, how to get it, and won't let anyone stop her. I love that - she's a great character: dynamic, making her own tale rather than passively letting external events tell her story. While she seems very motivated about ending the Third Reich, I think I'd like to see more of the emotional (presumably) motivation present in her narrative. Especially seeing as its in first person, which is a good way to just show the reader exactly why she's so involved. Anger? Sadness? Frustration? All of the above?

"I understand. Have a good day, sir." So you mention the sarcasm afterwards but when you read it, it sounds pleasant haha. I had to go back when I read she was being sarcastic all over again. (Sarcasm is ridiculously hard to convey in writing lol). Try italicising the "sir" in the sentence - I think that might help :) (literally the only edit i have :p).

On to your a/n: Alternative title? Are you sure? I quite like the title (also the cover kicks all kind of ass) - and it looks like you've thought it through, so it's not just a random year or anything. I'm actually...really bad at titles, sorry :/

As for who betrays her...again, probably not enough context at the moment. The only characters you've shown so far are her mother, the recruitment guy, and Ardina, and I'd lean towards Ardina purely because she seems a little skittish (understandably) and has a lot to lose, so it'd be easy to get her to betray a friend in return for safety or under the threat of death. Then she says she was betrayed by the one person who she trusts the most, so it could be that other guy you mentioned in the synopsis...Friedrich, was it? Maybe him?

Speaking of which, I (personally ;-;) think that your synopsis reads too much like a plot summary. I for one absolutely love descriptive blurbs, but in your synopsis you're more describing the events of the novel they occur, rather than distilling the essence of the novel without giving away too much of the plot. For example, the first six or seven lines of it is covered by the end of the first chapter. Friedrich's backstory is something that would be more interesting to discover after we meet him, rather than us knowing more about him than the MC does before he's even introduced. I've found a good way to start is to set the scene, introduce the main character and her goals, talk about what challenges she's facing (without describing them specifically) and maybe drop some hints about her upcoming betrayal, just to keep the reader guessing. Same with the first section of this chapter. It tells too much. Especially with betrayal, which is often a really shocking event that can shake up the entire course of a novel. If you're upfront about it, then I suppose there's always that suspicion on the reader's part, always wondering with each new character if they're going to be /that/ character, but not mentioning it at all will make the whole event seem even more shocking and dramatic and gut-wrenching when it does eventually happen.

Also, having the audience know more than the main character might actually distance us from her experience, as while she'll be shocked and saddened by the news, the reader will just be like "Oh, it was him/her after all." I think Marlene has pretty much outlined her goals within this chapter. I think Marlene will get a little more jaded as she gets more involved in the war: actually experiencing the horrifying experiences could make her more cynical. I'd like to see if her morality is affected. It's already a little dark as she's expressed intent to kill already, but will her moral compass stay straight or falter a bit? And obviously, I think that her betrayal will make her less willing to trust people. I do hope it turns out well for her :)

So really, you have no reason to be nervous! This chapter is extremely well-written, and although not a history fan myself, I'd be all over this story if I were :) Great work here, keep it up! -twin_cities

Follow this Winner: twin_cities

1st Runner Up: TheRecklessRebel

2nd Runner Up: thedeadlypen

Final Author's Note: I chose this as the winning comment because it hit on several important points. I never realised how detailed my synopsis was - too detailed at that. I appreciate Twincities for bringing that to my attention, as it definitely needs to be fixed. I also found the edit regarding sarcasm to be very helpful, as that is something I use quite frequently. Italicising words will definitely make the sarcasm more obvious to the reader, which is what I want. Twincities's prediction of how Marlene will change throughout the course of the novel was also spot on. Thank you, Twincities for such a helpful, detailed, and insightful comment! :)

I want to thank all the amazing NBR participants for taking the time to read and comment on my chapter. I know historical fiction is not a genre for everyone, so I especially appreciate all who read and left insightful comments regardless. Also, I wanted to point out one thing that I received a lot of comments on. Marlene's goals are supposed to be unrealistic in terms of her original plan to take down the Third Reich. Once she's in Germany for a more extended period of time, she realises how naïve her plan was, and ultimately changes it entirely. I realised not everyone would pick up on that, as it is very far-fetched, and also the first chapter of the book. I just wanted to clarify that aspect a bit. :)

I also want to thank dawnstarling for this amazing opportunity! I am eternally grateful, and had a wonderful spotlight week. Good luck to all future spotlighted authors! :)

---

Author #2: bookworm3651178

Book Title: Anna

Book Link: https://www.wattpad.com/story/44976409-anna

Specified Chapter: Chapter 7: The Whisper

Summary Thus Far in Book: None Provided

Author's Note: Hi there! This is the first book I started writing. So it might not be the best, and it might have a lot of editing to do, but I think it's coming along. I would love your feedback to improve my book.

I would love to know if you feel the mysterious atmosphere that I am trying to create. In other words, are you getting a sense of the mystery that's already there or developing?

And, I would love to know how you feel about the MC Anna. Do you think her feelings are visible or should I display more feelings/emotions about her?

Moderator Rating: PG

Genre: Random (double checking with her - more like mystery thriller/sci-fi)

Winning Comment: Hey, so this is my second comment in this book club, hope you approve! Overall, an interesting chapter, and not too bad for a first novel either. There's a few things you muddled up on in this chapter but nothing that can't be improved with a quick edit. Here's some pointers, feel free to query me on anything through PM :)

Pointers:

- The word 'Alright' is not a word in fiction, the proper word is 'All right.'

- 'Sweety' isn't the right spelling for the nickname, the correct spelling is 'Sweetie'.

- Try to write numbers. Normally the rule of thumb is to write things between one to twenty, as they tend to be single words, but you should try to write 'Thirty seconds' instead of '30 seconds.' The exception of this rule is years and dates. Obviously don't try to write 1984 in words.

- Avoid words such as 'just', 'quickly' and 'suddenly' in your work. Try to purge them as much as possible. They add nothing to the description and act as filler words. A good way to delete them from your manuscript is to use the 'Find' function in Microsoft Word.

It also helps to eliminate the passive voice, instead of writing something like 'I suddenly feel someone's cold breath hit my forehead' make it snappier by writing 'Cold breath hit my forehead,' because the abruptness of writing it tells the reader it's sudden and that the cold breath doesn't belong to her. The same theory can be applied to 'I hear him cackle.' Can you see how passive and mellow this is compared to: 'He cackles'?

- You need to work a little on your dialogue grammar, but for your first novel it's understandable. Always close dialogue with punctuation. So a sentence saying:

'"Trust your instincts" He whispers gently.'

Needs closing punctuation put in the dialogue. So the correction would read:

'"Trust your instincts[COMMA]" [LOWERCASE 'H']e whispers gently.'

Removing my notes and it'd read:

'"Trust your instincts," he whispers gently.'

- The sentence: 'I feel like this whisper, is a robot' doesn't make any sense. Do you mean to write: 'His voice is almost robotic and put me on edge.' ?

- There's a few typos in the chapter but nothing that can't be fixed with a quick edit :)

- The introduction of the staircase instantly threw me. She instantly knows it's the school staircase, but how? From the introduction to the reader, it's just a plain old staircase - not winged, not decorating, made of wood/concrete/glass - how is this staircase so different and important that she recognises its origins automatically?

- It'd be nice to have a bit more description in the scene. It's very hollow without the description at the moment and could do with more to avoid the dreaded White Room Syndrome. Try to flavour it with the five senses, is it cold in her dream? Is there something crunching on the floor? A smell in the air? Can she taste anything?

To answer the NBR questions, it's a bit hard to nail onto Anna's personality and ultimate goal.

- I think you could develop Anna's emotions a bit more by bringing the physical side of them into the description. Do her palms sweat? Her heart race? Her stomach twist? Her head spin? At the moment, you tell us the emotions rather than show them. Bringing into the debate of Show vs. Tell.

- I think Anna is going to pursue the voice, regardless of consequences because I feel that rebel vibe coming off of her. I think you have a great opportunity to develop her as a character.

Hope this helps! Keep writing! - EmilyCharlotteCooledge

Follow this Winner: EmilyCharlotteCooledge

1st Runner Up: thedeadlypen

2nd Runner Up: Austensnowwrites

Final Author's Note: Hello! Thank you very much to all those who took the time out to read and comment on my book. I really appreciate everyone's comment, especially because I learned many different ways to improve my writing etc. I would like to especially say thanks to those people who actually gave me links to websites, and those who pointed out major things that I did not notice before. All the feedback, tips, advice and suggestions I got really will definitely help me improve my book.

It was very difficult to decide on the winning/runner up comments because every comment helped me in some way. But the ones that I have chosen are the comments that some how stood out to me and told me ways to not only improve my grammar, but my MC as well, which I was struggling to do.

Thanks for all your comments, support and encouragement to keep writing! :)

---

Author #3: xxswift-greyxx

Book Title: Thrown into Royalty

Book Link: https://www.wattpad.com/story/41885706-thrown-into-royalty

Specified Chapter: Chapter 1

Summary Thus Far in Book: None Provided

Author's Note: Hi there, so I'm kind of nervous as to what you guys will think of it. To do this right, I've decided to go with the first chapter so that you all wouldn't get lost. After reading the chapter, do you think I finished it in the best way possible, or was it too early to leave a cliffhanger? Are the characters likable, at the very least? Thank you guys, and I wish the best of luck to the other two contestants of this round!

Moderator Rating: PG

Genre: Romance

Winning Comment: This was a good opening chapter, but I struggled a little with it. One major point that I loved was that is was set in Hungary and mentioned other parts of Europe -- rather than being set in an American high school like most of the novels here.

A few things I noticed:

- The writing was good but at times it felt a little forced, perhaps go back and rewrite a few sections to make it flow better.

- The dialogue grammar has a few flaws. Mainly concerning uppercase vs lowercase when closing with dialogue punctuation. For example, the following would be considered incorrect:

"What's wrong?" He said. -- as you've closed with a dialogue tag, it should read:

"What's wrong?" [LOWERCASE 'H']e said.

--> "What's wrong?" he said.

But if you ended the sentence with an action, or closed the dialogue tag with a name, then the uppercase remains. For example:

"What's wrong?" He stood up. <-- would be right.

"What's wrong?" Alex said. <-- would be right.

"What's wrong?" he said. <-- would be right.

"What's wrong?" He said. <-- is wrong.

Similarly, some pieces of dialogue should be ended with a comma instead of a period [a full stop], to continue the flow of the sentence. This follows some of the rules as those posted above:

"I'm home." She said. -- as an example, would be wrong. It should be corrected to:

"I'm home[COMMA]" [LOWERCASE 'S']he said.

Which reads: "I'm home," she said.

- When writing dialogue remember not to use too many dialogue tags that differ from 'said'. The aim of 'said' is to attribute the dialogue to the character, but become invisible to the reader. Using 'told', 'inquired', 'wished' etc disrupts the reader.

- Your descriptions of characters feels a bit unrealistic, you don't look at someone in real life and think: He was 6"1' and had blue eyes. You think: 'He was taller than me by at least a few inches, I had to crane my head to look him in the eyes, and he instead dominated me in his shadow.'

The MC's objective seems a bit unclear from this first chapter, at the moment she feels a bit like a passenger along for the ride and encountering a prince along the way. To improve, it'd be awesome to have her a bit more active. I'd love to see the psychic dominate a bit more in this first chapter, especially with the MC's reaction when she sees the green eyes for real in real life. Why doesn't she freak out a little bit more? It'd be good to see you capitalize more on the description of the green eyes, they're probably millions of green eyes out there -- what makes these so special? Are his irises speckled? Shades of hazel clouding the green? Are they slightly bloodshot from the stress of being in his brother's shadow? Are they behind glasses? Altered by coloured contacts? Just some random theories to try and make his eyes a bit more special :)To answer your question, I think you ended the chapter in the right place. It makes me wonder how the prince is going to draw her into his life. Great work, keep writing! Feel free to query me on anything over PM :)Best wishes. - EmilyCharlotteCooledge

Follow this Winner: EmilyCharlotteCooledge

1st Runner Up: alpacapoo

2nd Runner Up: swiftiegirl1010

Final Author's Note: The comment from EmilyCharlotteCooledge really was helpful, because there were things that I didn't even realize I was using wrongly. Thanks for pointing those out! Anyway, alpacapoo (btw, I really like that username) and swiftiegirl1010 had really eye-opening comments as well. I appreciated every comment there was, so thank you for spotlighting my story this week.

---

Directions:

1. Go to EACH of the Author's Profile Page and Find the Book specified by the Author.

2. Write one Comment per Author but DO NOT write it here. Write it in the Author's own Comment Section. Be sure to Answer the COMMENT TOPIC and pay attention to the Author's Note.

- (Do not Comment on here. Only comment on this page if you have questions or comments pertaining to the directions)

3. All comments must include the #NBR. If you do NOT include #NBR in your comment then your comment is DISQUALIFIED. Do this: #NBR then Comment. If you forget to hashtag, simply post another comment mentioning #NBR.

4. Comments must be 5 sentences or more - remember the Quality Comment thing?

Remember: DIPLOMACY is defined as: the art of dealing with people in a sensitive and effective way

Remember: Never judge a book by its cover.

Remember: #NBR then write the comment.

Remember: Do not give up on the chapter. The Author chose it for a reason.