*Google Image ran out of funny pictures at number 14, so here goes funny animals to brighten up your day.

Comment Topic: The devil is in the details. Too little detail and your character wanders aimlessly through the narration equivalent to an empty stage. Too much detail and your reader will skip and skim. Many times, it's about striking the perfect balance.

Name three things you would have liked the writer to be more descriptive about. And don't forget to write a...descriptive...comment. five sentences or more, please.

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Author #1: cjbirch

Book Title: Patience

Book Link: https://www.wattpad.com/161719123-patience-chapter-1

Specified Chapter: Chapter 1

Summary Thus Far in Book: None

Author's Note: Excitement!

I'd like to think I have thick skin when it comes to my writing (we'll see after this week) so feel free to be brutal (and I mean that. It can't get better without good solid feedback which I know I'll get here because you guys are awesome). My only real question is: Do you want to keep reading? I realize this genre might not be for everyone, but is there enough enticement, enough pull to get you to click to the next chapter? Also, grammar nazis welcome. Pick it apart guys!

Moderator Rating: PG

Genre: Science Fiction

Winning Comment: Hi, cjbirch! Lets get started with some edits first:

-Your first sentence was very long. Try to shorten it up or split it in two.

-The same goes for the sentence, "They're supposed to stimulate sunlight but..." Try to shorten this up bit as well.

-Try, "...the corporal verbally nudges me(PERIOD)"Your cabin is..."

-"warm strips of LED?" I get that you tried to express the light being "warm," but try to use another adjective to describe the LEDs. If you want to use warm, then try "the warm glow of light from the LEDs," or something that tells us what the warm thing actually is.

-The sentence "I can tell by the gunge stuck in the hardest to reach corners..." Was a little awkward. Try to use something like, "Judging from the gunge stuck in the corners hardest to reach, I can tell the ship is pretty old."

-Split the sentence "When we reach my cabin I step inside and take..."

-Get rid of "in" in the sentence "...wait around before reporting in to the captain."

-Use "then" instead of "than" in "Than why bother mentioning..."

-You used the word "notice" repetitively in the paragraph, "When I enter I notice everything at once..."

That's about it! The rest of the grammar and sentence structure mistakes had similar errors as the ones listed above.

Interesting plot! Sci-Fi is one of my favorite genres, so I'm pretty excited to see how the rest of the story goes. Awesome vocab choices as well! One of the things I really liked about this chapter were the character dynamics and portrayal. In a single chapter, you introduced three characters (Alison, the Captain and the corporal), two of whom are the main characters (Alison and the Captain). I loved how Alison, a seemingly confident, headstrong and outgoing person, get all nervous and shy when she meets the Captain; the crush Alison had on her is clearly shown. She (the MC's a she, right?) is also the kind who can't stand still and watchC and had to be in part of action and all the fun stuff. Like when she confessed to the Captain why she joined Persephone and didn't stay in the science department in Jupiter. She didn't want to look upon the same view everyday. Meanwhile, the Captain seems to be a pretty mysterious character to me. Told from Alison's point of view, she's portrayed as beautiful, the one in charge, and pretty chill, but her real personality still remains a mystery to the readers (or at least to me, haha). I really hope we get to know her more as we go further into the story.

Also, I loved how you described every little detail the characters do while talking, like licking their lips, folding hands over laps, things like that. Adding in Alison's thought about the Captain added a nice touch to the flow of the story as well.

Now, for the NBR topic: the three things I would like you to be more descriptive about. Hmm... This is a tough one, since you did such an awesome job with all the descriptions. But if it was me, I would shorten up the beginning, where Alison settles into her cabin and stuff. It seemed to be dragging just a tiny bit, so try to get rid of some parts you might deem unnecessary. Also, to me, the ending part where Alison reveals why she joined Persephone seemed like info dump. Try to reveal that in later chapters, maybe in a scene where Alison and The Cap are having a convo, and the captain asks about it and stuff. Other than that, I didn't see any problems with your descriptions at all. Good job on this!

Also, to answer your question: yes, I would continue this book. There were some sentence structure problems, but apart from that, everything else caught my attention. Good job on this! Happy writing! - Swiftiegirl1010

Follow this Winner:Swiftiegirl1010

1st Runner Up: PipSqueek88

2nd Runner Up: Nberry34

Final Author's Note: I want to thank everyone who took the time (especially those 3 and 4 section posters, I know how much time those take) to read and comment on my chapter. To all the nit-pickers and grammar nazis (I did ask for it) thank-you for your painstaking parsing and attention to detail.

I can't even begin to explain how hard it was to choose a winner and two runner ups. I want to keep you all chained under my bed so I can trade you food and water for feedback. Anyway...

To prove what a huge nerd I am, I actually made a spreadsheet to keep track of everyone's comments. I'm so not even kidding about that. Everyone was so helpful but I chose based on eureka moments, each one of these commenters pointed to something that made me rethink how I should approach my chapter and ways I can make it better. But I would also like to give a shoutout to a few others who also had some really great feedback. tegan1311, mokbook, masheena, debismita, and greatgustav. You guys really know your stuff!

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Author #1: JovyLow6

Book Title: The R.A.I.N.B.O.W. Squad vol.1

Book Link: https://www.wattpad.com/162091624-the-r-a-i-n-b-o-w-squad-vol-1-issues-0-6

Specified Chapter: Issue #4 - The R.A.I.N.B.O.W. Squad vol.1

Summary Thus Far in Book:

Issue #0 - Kraka! THOOM! Hanso wakes up one morning to find his home under siege by a giant alien monster thing (for real).

Issue #1 - Surviving the encounter, Hanso meets a mysterious lady in green and discovers the existence of the R.A.I.N.B.O.W. Squad and the invading forces of the Nihilists.

Issue #2 - Hanso returns to his home and loved ones, reflecting on what he has learned, and ultimately deciding that he would not miss this chance to save the world.

Issue #3 - With a Slinky drone-delivered by Amazon, Hanso makes his first contact with R.A.I.N.B.O.W., and uncovers the weight of the task before him.

Issue #4 - #NBR-ians, here we go!

Author's Note: Homaigosh! *Fist bumps to all NBR-ians. :)

As a new-ish storyteller, I'm really looking for all kinds of feedback. I actually wrote this to mimic the style and pace of a comic book. Even included onomatopoeia's (written sounds)! I hope I captured it.

But if I have to narrow it down, it'll have to be:

1. Does the story live up to its comic kick-ass-ness promise? (Despite this chapter being one of the milder ones)

2. What do you feel reading it and would you come back for more?

Thanks for taking the time to read!

Moderator Rating: PG13 - very, very minimal vulgarity - trust me, worth the read. You.will.enjoy.this

Genre: Action

Winning Comment: First of all, Mr. Knight of Geekdom, here is its Queen! *stands on the podium and waves to the crowds*. I assure you I'm a huge comic and manga geek, which makes me all the more excited to read this!

First of all, Lets get going with the Ship of Edits! Ahoy!

~ The first sentence is a deal breaker for me. I find myself reading it twice. Try shortening it a bit? When you start your sentences with phrases like 'when' 'not' 'never' 'as', you have to keep in mind that you cannot let it be long before the first comma. For eg: 'Not knowing what lay in wait for me in the forest of Arden where wolves howl and a beast roars with such great ferocity that the earth shakes and houses tremble, I decided not to go." See? the long thing before the comma made you think 'wth, why doesn't this sentence move faster!?' isn't it?

~ "His effectiveness probably..." an 'is' after effectiveness would be correct :)

~ "..zipping up a backpack we thrashed together." Do you 'thrash' backpacks together? lol ;)

~ "ItsLCARS Star Trek face illuminated." Okay, first, whats LCARS? Second, is he wearing a Star Trek watch? Third, where does 'ItsLCARS' come in all of this?

~"..forced to leave in such short order.." replace 'order' with 'notice' here.

~ The name 'Dreamy' is so cute, omfg I'm dead.

~"Dreamy's drumstick legs dangled..." Okay, is someone lifting her up? Probably Hanso? If yes, you should mention it.

~ I feel like I shouldn't edit this. This is a comic-style narration and hence most grammar nuances would fall flat. What matters here is the narration and the effects, not the grammar. (as in your grammar isn't bad)

~ "Fu-!" (me= Dead x2)

~ "Eventually unawestrucking myself..." (me=Dead x3)

~"Purr baby purr" (me=Dead x4) How many times do I have to die through this?

~ "The surprises just never seem to end" It would be 'seemed'. Past tense ;)

~ "hiseyes flickered to the side..." a space between 'his' and 'eyes' is needed.

~ Is it 'AngSia' or 'Ang Sia'?

~ The ending. Omg. The full form of R.A.I.N.B.O.W is E-P-I-C (Exceptionally Powerful Imaginative Climax) and yeah I made it up ;P

( Ahoy! This Ship of Edits has sailed! I wont point out the more fine and intricate grammar faults here because this is a comic. Its supposed to be graphic, not narrative.)

This is very enticing. Humorous and definitely worth a graphic illustration strip in the news paper (I can actually imagine reading this in the newspaper strips. Something on the lines of 'Phantom'.)

What this lacked, would be a thorough description of surroundings. Comics are all about visuals. I'd like a bit more detail at the start of the chapter, as well as when Hanso gets into the R.A.I.N.B.O.W. 's headquarters (or B.U.F.F). Hanso's journey through the stratosphere into space was well done. The sound effects and other tiny stuff was done well too. Details at the above mentioned places would greatly enhance the reader's experience.

I'm in love with the concept. This is unique and creative. Definitely up my radar. I wish more people find this.

(I'm a contemporary painter, not a graphic artist but I'm still awed at how much inspiration this gives me to actually sit with colors and make an illustration for it. I'm serious. You should contact a graphic illustrator once this is done and thoroughly edited)

Love the action and the pace. I was a bit confused at the start ( actually a lot confused), but slowly it shaped up pretty well.

A Gorilla-scratch that- A Nihilist Size Fist Bump!

Stay awesome, and keep writing. Awesomeness will eventually find a way into your writing. *smack on the back* - Debismita

Follow this Winner: Debismita

1st Runner Up:twin_cities

2nd Runner Up: unorthodoxxx

Final Author's Note: For NBR, chapter selection is crucial! Haha. I kinda made the mistake of choosing a chapter midway into the story. It confused a lot of people. Didn't help that my story moves really fast. But phew, you guys stayed strong and survived.

The feedbacks were awesome! Grammatical errors. Sentence structures. Flow. Descriptions. Everything has been so useful in helping me understand how I can improve. Some of you really put in so much effort to break it down it's unbelievable. Thank you all! :)

Living in Malaysia, I was really worried that my sense of humour wouldn't translate well worldwide. But this really helped with my confidence. :). So glad that most of you liked and actually laughed reading my story.

Hanso and gang says thank you for taking some time to read their story! I'm eternally grateful that you guys gave it a chance. :)

May the Force be with you!

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Author #3: Several7s

Book Title: Shields

Book Link: https://www.wattpad.com/story/45900312-shields

Specified Chapter: Chapter 1: Four Years Later

Summary Thus Far in Book: None

Author's Note: I haven't had as many reader on this part and I'm not sure why. I know it's the prologue, so people might just be skipping over it, but if you guys can give me any helpful information on that, I'd be extremely grateful for it. If you like the chapter, please keep reading and vote! Thanks guys. :D

Moderator Rating: PG

Genre: Action

Winning Comment: All in all I thought this was a great start! I love the action right off the bat and your first sentence is great. What follows is just me writing thought as I read.

String of thought here we go...

If he's kidnapped why is a gun on the table? Shouldn't that stuff be locked away?

Personally I don't think you need to italicize your character's thoughts, the whole thing is personal thought. But it's a choice, if you are going to italicize your character's thoughts you don't need to add 'I thought' since it's implied by the italics.

I like the line about cutting his hair, that thought adds more to your character's blasé attitude than all the dialogue that comes before it.

Your dialogue kind of reminds me of a Bogart script from the '40s. If that's the feel you're going for than cool, if not you may want to rework it a bit to make it seem a little more realistic.

He says later that Agent Shields is smarter than he(?) looks but earlier was full of praise about his amazing scores, it seems a little inconsistent.

I'd like a little bit more detail on the room where he's being held, is it cold, what's he attached to, is he tied down or is he just behind this desk with cuffs on? What does this other guy look like? Does he know his name? Or who he is?

I'd also like some more inner thought, I would strip out some of your dialogue for this, it will add to your character, right now the only thing I've gotten is that he's arrogant and I'd like to know more about him.

Also, I think you should add some detail to the line, the Government building in the city, usually those buildings have names and if this is an unknown city then I would make one up and mention that it's a government building, it will add to the realism.

Also, I would watch for repetition, in the section where they fight over the gun you have lunged, grabbed and stumble twice each. You've probably read through this chapter a million times by now and sometimes, at least I know with me, those things tend to hide.

There's a couple of instances where you switch tenses, for instance when he says: I froze, uncertain. Which is past tense and then in the next paragraph he says: he cocks it and pulls the trigger. Which is present tense. Just something to keep an eye on.

When Shields knocks the kidnapper out I thought it was a little too easy. The easier your MC's enemies are to kill the less it says about your MC. There's a desk between them right? Maybe Shields throws his hip against it and it knocks the guy over giving him time to leap over and kick him in the head.

And then you have the guards not have loaded guns, this seemed unrealistic to me and just a way to make it easier for your character to escape.

I would end your chapter after he gets picked up by the helicopter. Also, would he have gotten a new partner so soon? His old partner just went missing last night. Wouldn't they give it more time?

I would add the rest of the chapter onto the next chapter.

I'm going to recap because this was a string of stuff.

I think you should establish where your MC is with a little more detail in the beginning of the chapter as well as who his kidnapper is, he seems to know who he is but hasn't shared that with the reader, I think he should.

Next, I think you should rework some of the dialogue, cut most of it out and show instead of tell. Your kidnapper should also have a little bit of a make over, a gun on the table? It makes me have very little respect for him and if the MC is able to take him out so easily what does that say about both of your characters?

And I want a little more internal thought from your MC, I didn't really get a feel for who he is beyond his arrogance.

And lastly I would tighten up some of your paragraphs. Make every word count. Here's an example:

Your sentence:

I hit the first man with an uppercut, and his head snapped back. He staggered, his stance breaking completely. His jaw also looked out of whack, which I hadn't really intended but worked for me if it kept him out of the way.

My suggestion:

I swung, with an uppercut the first man's head snapped back. He staggered, his jaw, which I hadn't intended, was also out of whack.

They both say the same thing but one is a little more concise and will speed up the chapter a little.

And that's all I had. Again, great start! - cjbirch

Follow this Winner: cjbirch

1st Runner Up: ariel_paiement

2nd Runner Up: twin_cities

Final Author's Note: I was so excited to get spotlighted for this! Thank you all so much for your advice! I loved hearing from all of you and you all were so helpful. It was a bit difficult to chose the winner this time because all of you had so much to say and so much help you offered me. Thank you all again for reading my chapter, putting up with my bad grammar and lending a hand. :D Good luck with NBR everyone!

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Directions:

1. Go to EACH of the Author's Profile Page and Find the Book specified by the Author.

2. Write one Comment per Author but DO NOT write it here. Write it in the Author's own Comment Section. Be sure to Answer the COMMENT TOPIC and pay attention to the Author's Note.

- (Do not Comment on here. Only comment on this page if you have questions or comments pertaining to the directions)

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Remember: DIPLOMACY is defined as: the art of dealing with people in a sensitive and effective way

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