Comment Topic: Secondary characters are often used to thicken the plot. Without them, the protagonist won't have much of a story to tell. Comment on the dynamics of the relationships in this chapter as it pertains to the protagonist.

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Author #1: IVM992 [Featured Author on Wattpad]

Book Title: Moons made of Muskets

Book Link: https://www.wattpad.com/story/44383227-moons-made-of-muskets

Specified Chapter: Chapter Two: A Missing person

Protagonist: Stewart Casey

Summary Thus Far in Book: The narrator is Stewart Casey. He and his friend and colleague Marie Mirabeau run a small private detective business in Montreal. Previously, the business belonged to Marie's father, Mr. Mirabeau, who died recently. Stewart and Marie have come into the office over the weekend to meet with a potential client, a historian named Gregory Gagnon.

Author's Note: 1) Are you left with problematic questions at the end, like what is the point of the chapter and what's going on and is the narrator a guy (The answer is yes!). 2) Also, and this is more of a style thing, but is there too much French, and should I translate it more directly (put the English in parenthesis for example)?

Genre: Paranormal

Winning Comment:

In the first line, 'to put in some hours in over the weekend' , you have two prepositions together, 'in' and 'over'.

"It was next to impossible to go through an entire workday..." This sentence is too long. At least place commas after 'him', 'secretary', and 'Ginette'. That will give it an illusion of being short. Like if I said, " I like that guy, he has always been by my side, and yet doesn't make me feel claustrophobic, rather, he makes me feel needed and wanted." See how long it is, and if I don't use the commas here, this will be a hefty task to read, isn't it?

"I don't think she meant it" Add a 'had' before 'meant'. This is Past Perfect, babe."

Marie listened to a lot of pop-style ballads when she broke up with her boyfriend Marc" add a comma before and after Marc (this is extremely trivial)

"I liked Marc. He was a good guy" There is a clutter of phrasal short sentences around this part. Try clubbing it using conjunctions or commas 'I liked Marc, he was a good guy."

"Don't you want to move in your own apartment?.." I think if you italicize 'own' instead of 'want', it would enhance the readability.

"When I told my parents I was moving in with Marie they were ecstatic" add a comma after 'Marie'(again, a trivial edit)

"Its simple mom and dad, we are both attracted to men" This is Stewart's thought. Don't you think it would be better if its italicized or put into quotes?

"We are better as friends" I think you can add an 'off' after 'better' (it would harm if you don't, just me being in the mood today ;))

"That put him at somewhere around my middle- chest" You can do without 'middle' or 'chest', and 'at'.

" I paused my with my pen..." There's something wrong with this sentence. I think there would've been a word after 'my'.

After you go full fledged with your dialogues, the readers would be too engrossed to notice any mistakes. And this is where I wouldn't mind you spelling 'soul' as 'sole'. This is a huge feat, hence doesn't deserve any critique in my opinion.

The background characters are usually just that - in the background. But, you have used your narrator as the black background to highlight the qualities of Marie, so to say. It feels like the dynamics of Watson and Sherlock. Watson is the narrator, but Sherlock is the main player of the game. This appears to be the same. I loved the fact that he is gay, and you don't go around preaching about it which keeps the focus on the story intact. So far, you have established their dynamics in a beautiful manner, which is worthy of being noted.

For the French, I am not a fluent French speaker, or even reader (I am pretty bad at it) so some might find certain difficulty while reading 'Bein Sur' . Other than that, wherever you used French, it was explained in English in a tactful and clever way, which somehow conveyed the meaning.

I have a feeling that this is inspired by Dan Brown's Da Vinci Code, and must I say, it is very beautifully done. Robert Langdon may not be gay, and not even a detective, but I find certain similarities between the dynamics of Sophia-Robert and Marie-Stewart. The Feminist in me is rooting for this story.

You go girl! You just earned yourself a reader. And a very picky one at that (as you can tell by now *wink*) All the best! - Debismita

Follow this Winner: Debismita

1st Runner Up: PipSqueeks88

2nd Runner Up: Holly_Gonzalez

Final Author's Note: Thank you to the NBR community for providing me with such thoughtful and constructive feedback on my chapter, and thank you DS to for giving me a chance at the Spotlight! [such an honor to have spotlighted your work]

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Author #2: twin_cities

Book Title: Don't Stop The Music

Book Link: https://www.wattpad.com/story/43607947-don%27t-stop-the-music

Specified Chapter: Chapter 2

Protagonist: Esther

Summary Thus Far in Book: Not Provided

Author's Note: (freaking out throughout) Hi! Basically, I've never written a Teen Fiction novel before (Fantasy is more my speed) so I have no idea how to make the storyline interesting. Reader engagement is what I'm most concerned about: if you found your interest flagging, why? where? Also, did you find Esther's lack of self-confidence realistic, or too over the top?

Please be as honest as you can...even if you hated the whole thing lol. I'm trying to improve and write something I can be proud of, and I can't do that without your help! Thank you :)

Genre: Teen Fiction

Winning Comment: Hi twincities!! Lets get started with the editing first:

-Try "It was tiring, a waste of time, and made her more and more disillusioned..." on the fourth paragraph.

-Try to replace the colon with the semicolon in the sentence, "There were only ever a couple of people in the music tech rooms..."

-Get rid of "both" in the sentence, "...she could have finished the both of them in an hour."

-Try "she thought it WAS harsh" instead of "she thought it harsh."

-Get rid of the first "already" in the sentence "And we're already slightly over budget already..."

-Use a comma for the sentence, "Ok; you two can finish clearing out the back..." instead of a semicolon.

-Try this: "...his jeans were ripped at the knees with one of his shoes unlaced. His jumper was too big for him, the grey sleeves hanging over the fingers." (Sorry if this came out choppy, I like my sentences short. Haha.)

-The sentence, "I might just do it as a hobby and then if it looks like..." was a bit awkward. Try to fix it to make it flow smoother.

Your sentences tended to be a bit long, with lots of commas and conjunctions like "and." For some parts this was okay, but you overused it a little towards the end of the chapter. Try to shorten them up a little. Also, the sentence "She'd disagreed with him, but she didn't want to argue with him because someone in their house always seemed to be arguing these days," is a little awkward. I had to reread it a fee times to understand what it meant, so try to fix this too.

Also, the transitioning between when a Eli asks Esther for help and when she goes backstage after biology class was a bit awkward. It suddenly switched to another setting, so maybe try to put a transition line in between and start a completely new scene? Just a suggestion.

Your overall pacing was pretty good at the beginning, with Esther struggling with her music, then being called by CC for a meeting, and everyone discussing the music theatre. However, things started to get slower and even drag on a bit on the second half of the chapter, but to me everything seemed necessary for the book, so I would just try to shorten the amount of dialogue a bit. Speaking of dialogue, yours was almost perfect! It flowed smoothly with the story, matched the personalities of the characters, and was humorous and easy to read. Good job on this!

Now, for the topic. I think you showed the dynamics between the characters really well. It is clear that Esther and CC aren't really close, but have this sort of mutual respect for each other (at least Esther does to CC. I don't know about him, though). Meanwhile, Eli and Anthea filled up the spots of the minor characters perfectly! The group dynamics was good too; CC is the boss, and everyone is in charge of one thing in this high school "club" like program. It was very realistic, good for teen fiction. And also, why is CC only nice to Anthea? Oooooh, is something going on here that I don't know about? *wiggles eyebrows* Or do they have a relationship and I just missed it in the first chapter?

As for your question: Does Esther seem to lack self-confidence too much? My answer to this is no. This is teen fiction, right? For this genre the teenager, who's usually the main character, has to go through various stages of their life and change throughout the story. I think Esther's lack of self-confidence is great for character development in the future. Also, it's very realistic, if you see her situation here. Her father disapproves of her being a musician, and she slowly starts to agree. She has music's block, and envies those around her who can freely have fun with music (like the background character and CC). She feels like she's not worthy enough to have fans like Robin, and feels scared that she'll let them down (which is why she felt scared when he said he had faith in her, I presume?) It is only natural for her to doubt herself. Besides, teenagers aren't all self confident, right? I mean, they're going through the stage of their lives when they become depressed and sad. It's bound to happen to everyone, right?

Overall, I personally think you're a great writer who's brave enough to explore a new genre! For someone who's never written teen fiction before I think you're pretty good at it. For me, there weren't any parts that got my interest flagging, for I believe most of it was helpful for Esther's character as we got to know more about her. Other then that, good job on the dialogue, character dynamics, and grammar! Only the sentence structure had a bit of a problem, but I'm sure you'll fix it in no time. Awesome work! Happy writing!! - swifitegirl1010

Follow this Winner: swifitegirl1010

1st Runner Up: Medscifi

2nd Runner Up: -Tweck-

Final Author's Note: First of all, thanks everyone so much for all the feedback and comments you gave! I was overwhelmed - I can honestly say this is the most thorough feedback I've been given on anything I've ever written (tears up)

The quality of the comments were all so good; I had no idea where to begin in fining it down to three. I chose swiftiegirl's comment because she pretty much got all the characters down to a "T", sifted out those awkward typos and was just incredibly encouraging. Medscifi and -Tweck- were precise and told me exactly where their interest was flagging, and gave me pointers to improve them. Props to Pipsqueeks and writervid as well (as well as literally everyone this comment thing is so hard ;-;)

And of course, thank you to DawnStarling (you perfect human being you) - [why, thank you] for this contest and I hope it continues to live long and prosper :)

(drops mic)

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Author #3: euphoriaseeker

Book Title: Now There's Drama

Book Link: https://www.wattpad.com/story/43611726-now-there%27s-drama

Specified Chapter: Chapter 10 (part 3)

Protagonist: Christie

Summary Thus Far in Book: So far we have been introduced to Marc and Christie who are the polar opposites of each other. Marc has been besotted with Christie for two years yet she does not return the affection, she is highly intellectual and relies on that to get by. They are headed off to perform in a high school drama show. The rest you should be able to find in the blurb.

Author's Note: I wrote this back in January so I'm still trying to work out the kinks. This is one of the pivotal moments in the book so I'd like to know if I've crafted the tension and Christie's inner conflict. Any other feedback is welcome. Thanks for giving me the opportunity to be spotlighted this week and I can't wait to hear all of your wisdom.

Genre: Mystery/Thriller

Winning Comment: (I haven't read the previous chapters, and the points below are all written seeing this as a standalone chapter)

The most engaging way to start a story- Murder (tick)

The most dramatic romance subplot- a love triangle (tick)

The most alluring kind of MC- Strong , with an intriguing voice (tick)

You ticked all the boxes there with the most popular choices. Congrats!

Okay, so the teeny-tiny errors that I spotted-

~ At the start of the chapter itself, you have a clutter of characters coming in. But, with smart distinguishing, you could've made us remember each one of them till the end. How? See, where you started with Marc and Christie, you did it well enough for us to remember them and their equation. But if you notice, you introduced Kip and Wesley Li in a short while, which had us scrambling for information and traits to associate them with. When you introduce characters, their personality and equation with the other existing characters make them memorized in the reader's brain.

~ "Until Kip joined" I think you should add a bit more here. We just know that there is a person called Kip who targets Wesley. And I suspect that fact itself was not enough for me to remember him.

~"Morally Christie felt bad for him but realistically she needed to reprieve." A few commas would make it easier to read. You can add a comma after 'morally'& 'realistically'

~"Leslie Newman had gone back on her promise." This line threw me off. I was already trying to remember 4 characters, and a new character's glimpse contributed nothing much to the plot (as of now), but heightened my confusion...

~ Then you introduce Tegan, but its still better because now I know she has a thing for Uzbekistan cotton farming. I have something to associate the character to.

~ "... to make sure she was properly alright" You can do away with 'properly' its just an additional adverb, and it doesn't really add anything to the sentence.

~ The next paragraph strikes off Kip from the 'still not comprehensible characters' and adds more depth to his personality. (He is an ass, btw ;P)

~"Christie heard someone come towards her. Someone heavy" How can you 'hear' someone 'heavy'?

~"There were no obese persons in the team..." I think you can do without this sentence. It confuses the reader to think that Marc is obese.

~"Even Christie couldn't work out what to do.." This sentence seems a wee bit choppy. Try adding a full stop or comma after 'do'.

~"Christie please the bus is waiting and its a unisex toilet" There should be a comma after 'Christie' and 'please'.

~The place where Christie is heard saying that three is not her favorite number and such, makes it feel unnatural. I mean, there is a dead body lying in front of you in a pool of blood, and you want to think of a favorite number?

~ Also, where Christie takes a picture sounds eerie to me. At a crime scene when someone sees a dead body for the first time, taking its photo should be the last thing on their mind, right?

~Okay so I need some explanation here. CPR is usually given to unconscious people who have been a victim of drowning or choking. Here, Kip has already died. What good would a CPR do to him? It cannot bring him back alive...

~"Police or ambulance. I don't know. Police I think" There should be an essential comma after 'Police' in "Police, I think"

~The police officer's reaction changed drastically there. One moment he was consoling Christie, the next he shouted orders and handcuffed her. I think you could make the transition smoother?

"Come on Kip, breathe. I hate you so much...." This dialogue is pure genius prose. This is the dialogue which rings in your head after you put down the book. Its haunting. Love it!

Christie's reaction, though a bit late, was very beautifully portrayed and aesthetically written.

There are a lot of background characters here, but the equations worth noting, are that of Marc and Christie (and of course, Kip) I loved the portrayal, but I thought that the rest of the characters (Except Wesley) didn't contribute much, and only served as a hurdle in the start (that opinion might change after reading the next chapters) But overall, this plot demands MC action, and I felt like the dynamics of any other characters, would just maul the focus off the subject. So, you did a great job.

The bus ride in the start could be improved a bit, but the idea was marvelous. It gave me a clear idea of what are equations between each of the characters.

You have made me hate Kip so much in just a few measly paras, that I would've wished him dead if he hadn't died already. Seriously, I hate him so damn much! And that's a commendable feat on your part.

Making Christie the suspect has given this story enough mileage to last a lifetime. Great job!

On a last note, I would suggest you to try and fix these specific parts (so you have it all summed up while editing)

-The start, where you introduce characters.

-The bus ride

-Christie's early on reactions.

That would pretty much make the chapter perfect :) Wish you luck! -Debismita

Follow this Winner: Debismita

1st Runner Up: Swiftiegirl1010

2nd Runner Up: GreatGustav

Final Author's Note: Thank you all so so much for the help, I really needed it and am in the process of working things out. Thank you for highlighting the issues but being so nice and respectful about it. I was really nervous about being spotlighted but I really had nothing to be worried about and I'm glad some of you guys could empatheise with Christie. I look forward to reviewing your works when they're spotlighted and thanks again for the help.

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