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Comment Topic:

Never waste a chapter. Use it to propel the story forward. Comment on the most pivotal moment of the chapter and describe why you feel this way?

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Author #1: Amy_DuBoff

Published Author Link to Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00TT6OIFO

Book Link: https://www.wattpad.com/story/42669517-architects-of-destiny-cadicle-1-an-epic-space

Specified Chapter: Chapter 1.1

Summary Thus Far in Book: N/A

Author's Note: Unlike some other writers, I came across Wattpad after I already published my first two books. But, just because the books are for sale, that doesn't mean they are set in stone. I want them to be the best they can be, so feel free to rip everything apart--I've been working on this for far too long to be properly objective anymore. In particular, I have noticed high readership attrition between Chapters 1.1 and 1.2, and I'd like to know why.

I added a Prologue to see if that worked as a better hook, but I don't have enough data to tell yet; that Prologue is a Wattpad exclusive and not in the published version. Since this is the opening volume to a seven-book series, I want to make sure I'm grabbing readers from the first page. Is there anything I could do differently to engage you more as a reader in Chapter 1.1? And, if you go on the read the entire book, I'd love a review on Amazon :-). Thank you for reading!

Chapter Rating: PG

Genre: Science Fiction

Winning Comment: For me it was at the end, when Marina came in. You just know that she didn't come barging into the middle of his lesson for no reason ;) It's a great incentive to turn the page!

Overall:

I like the overall plot. A lot of questions that I would like the answer to have popped up in my mind, which is essential to any good story keep the reader interested. I thought you painted a great picture and gave some good insight into Cris' relationship to his parents.

However I did find the chapter a little dialogue heavy, although it is a good way of informing the reader of some important back story... it did slow the pace quite a bit. I guess as a personal preference though I would've liked to see a little more movement/ action in the first chapter. Another thing I noticed was that the story lent towards telling emotions instead of showing... but it still worked.

It's a good start to a promising story. I can totally see why you have such a high rank in Sci Fi. Well done! - Mokbook

Follow this Winner: Mokbook

1st Runner Up: GreatGustav

2nd Runner Up: masheena

Final Author's Note: Thank you so much to everyone who read and commented! The feedback was all incredible and really helped me determine what I needed to do with the chapter.

I chose Mokbook as the winner because she touched on all of the elements I needed to address--more action upfront, the emotional characterization, and the presentation of information. Greatgustav was an extremely close second for giving me a more of the "how" aspect of the action component in the chapter; and a special shout-out "thank you" to him for lending assistance outside the formal comment thread on the story. Masheena also offered some excellent specifics for the areas I could address to make the chapter stronger. Honorable mentions to IVM992, ElspethMorrison and twin_cities for their feedback. Also, thank you to Medscifi for providing an in-depth pre-NBR review.

I was eager to dive into revisions, and I've already incorporated the feedback into a new version of the chapter. That should be live by the time these results are posted, if you'd like to check it out. Thank you again to everyone! I hope you enjoy the rest of the story :-).

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Author #2: AnimeLoveSickness

Book Title: It All Started From A Tree

Book Link: https://www.wattpad.com/story/42460503-it-all-started-from-a-tree

Specified Chapter: Chapter 3 - Seeing The World In A Different Way

Summary Thus Far in Book: Lisa Smith has been living in a forest in the middle of nowhere for as long as she can remember with her caretaker, Ella, and a bear. She never saw any human or human-like creature other than herself & Ella, One day, the most famous billionaire in the Magic Kingdom, Daniel Williams, accidentally ends up in the forest. She asks him to take her with him back to Earth for the first time, to which he agrees.

Author's Note: Hi! I don't wanna ask for too much, so here are my questions:

Do u have any comments to improve my writing?

And what's your favorite thing about my writing/story?

Thank you so much!

Chapter Rating: PG

Genre: Romance

Winning Comment: This was a good read and an interesting concept. However, I agree with that this story might be better written in third person instead of first. POV switches are smoother and easier to get into instead of making it 1st person. Just think of it this way, as a third person POV the reader is figuratively standing beside or slightly behind the character the POV is focused on and it's easier to just hop aside to another character's POV as long as there is a clear sign the POV has changed (such as a break between paragraphs, etc). Whereas in first person POV we readers BECOME that character. We hear her/his thoughts and feel what they feel. We are so involved in become one character that when the POV switches to someone else we have to reconfigure our entire selves just to get a grasp of the new character. Imagine us readers as ghosts. Third person POV we follow the character and are very close to them. First person POV we "possess" the character and are inside of them. As readers/ghosts it's much easier to switch POV in third person as all we have to do is float over to the next character instead of rip ourselves out of them and then "posses" them all over again. If you intend to have many POV switches I would recommend a third person point of view instead of a first person one. This is your story, though, and I might be biased as all of my stories are third person and I'm no expert on POV switches myself as it's still a learning process for me. Just for a smoother read and to gain more invested readers, it MAY be something to think about.

And I know I pretty much wasted an entire message on one thing but I'll get to discussing other things now.

You use the word look(in various tenses) a little too much. In one of the earlier paragraphs, one that consisted of three sentences, you used it every sentence. You are young and busy and maybe writing this chapter in a rush but expanding your vocabulary helps keep the reading smooth too. Repeat a word too much and the reading gets "rocky". It also makes the word lose effect and "wastes" it. Instead of using look all the time use perhaps: glance, set his/her eyes on, gaze, view, inspect, eye, or peek. I'm sure you could find more but those are just a few off the top of my head.

Also, the second POV confused me for a good while. I didn't know where they were and what was happening. I realize now that they had been transported to Earth but it took a while to figure that out. I suggest maybe keeping the entire chapter in Daniel's POV and maybe have it starting with him slowly waking up hearing Lisa and a familiar voice (Xavier's) talking to one another. You could also describe if he has a minor headache or feels dizzy or something from being transported as that would let the reader know what just happened.

The dialogue, mostly in the first pov, got confusing at times. Not from what they said but from WHO said it. Someone would say something but someone else would nod or react in the same paragraph and it might just be me but it got confusing at times. It was easy enough to figure out but still, it slowed the read and made it "bumpy" which you don't want. You want as smooth a read as possible.

Now, this seems like a lot of negativity and I don't want you take it that way. Like I mentioned before, the pov thing is something ALL writers struggle with. I still do at times. It wasn't until I got a chapter of mine on NBR that I realized how often I would switch pov's without mentioning clearly or doing it without really knowing. It is tricky to get correctly so don't feel bad about it at all. I mean it.

Your story IS interesting and could develop into something really exciting. Perhaps put a few more descriptions into the how the character feels about this new world. You mentioned how the car was something alien to her and how she wanted to press all the buttons but maybe delve deeper. Maybe have her feel the car's exterior and interior and tell us how it feels for her. Have her pull at the seat belts until they're fully extended. Have her maybe even sniff the leather, or lick it, if she isn't familiar with it. Also, describe more about the ride. If this is her first car ride she'd be like a dog and looking at everything rushing past her and listening to the sound of the engine (or music if they were playing some). Everything would be a thrill for her.

You have interesting characters and you describe them well. Magic is always awesome to read about so I do hope you keep expanding on this story. Don't give up on it! :) You have skill and talent and just by writing more it'll become even better.

I'm sorry for three parts to my comments. It's not because your story is bad or anything. It's not that at all. I just had a lot to say I guess. It happens. lol

Anyways, best wishes and keep writing! :D

Oh, one more thing.... *gives you a plate of freshly bake chocolate cookies* -

Follow this Winner: GreatGustav

1st Runner Up: masheena

2nd Runner Up: nberry34

Final Author's Note: Hey people! Thank you so much for every single one of you! Everyone was so sweet and helpful and I appreciate it so much you can't imagine. Lots of love =)

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Author #3: Tegan1311 (Tegan1311)

Book Title: Finding Truths part 1: The Council's mission

Book Link: https://www.wattpad.com/story/44970074-finding-truths-part-1-the-council%27s-mission

Specified Chapter: chapter 17 The Secret Is Out

Summary Thus Far in Book: Alexandra was summoned by the Universal Council to find the last known Soul Stealer. She's lead to the Rabble System where there are rumors of dark trouble. Is it the Soul Stealer or something else altogether.

Author's Note: I tend to over describe things and just want to make sure that nothing in this chapter drags. Are the characters compelling and does the scene flow well? Is everything understandable or do I lose the reader?

Chapter Rating: PG

Genre: Science Fiction

Winning Comment: I think there is a pretty good consensus on the pivotal moment of this chapter - when she realises Brune is a dispatcher, and that sudden turn in his personality. Realising that someone is not all they appear to be is always a little chilling for me haha.

I will agree that your description, while clear and easy to understand, does occasionally drag down the narrative. Describing the layout of the bar, especially, I felt some of the detail was a little superfluous. Perhaps keep a broad layout of the room, but skip the unnecessary detail like the stools themselves, or slip it in as a passing comment a little later, rather than having big blocks of description all at once. Some of the phrasing is also a little awkward in places, like: "The dense forest that was burned, which was home to most of the shades" which could be merged with the paragraph before it: "the site is half a mile from the dense forest where the Shades used to live until it burned down." etc . Or "they glance sideways...silently asking them if they think it's alright" could be changed to "silently wondering if it would be alright".

(Another really minor note: the characters seem to be doing a lot of grinning. One one occasion the word popped up three times within a few sentences, even.)

However, I really enjoyed the worldbuilding in this chapter and the way you drop in details of the world that are different to ours. I like the uniqueness of her abilities - being able to turn of her senses and her telepathy, and the way she uses them for such little things like downing a pint or secretly filming her companions. I especially enjoyed the subtlety in her mind reading with Brune - not showing us every thought word for word, but getting what he's thinking across with images and feelings, which is really closer to how our minds work.

And the intrigue in the chapter really ramps up towards the end, building up to a very tense climax. Definitely sets up the intrigue for the next chap. Well done :) twin_cities

Follow this Winner: twin_cities

1st Runner Up: cjbirch

2nd Runner Up: swiftiegirl1010

Final Author's Note: I chose the winner because they answered my personal question as well as the contest questions. They told me what they liked and didn't like, what worked and didn't work while then giving me several ways to make it better. They also pointed out something about Alexandra that most people either didn't notice or didn't think was important. The fact that she is an unrivaled being, yet doesn't overuse her skills. She downplays it trying to be, in part, as normal as possible.

The runner-ups had great advice and answered my personal questions as well. All the comments were great and actually showed me how different people can view this chapter. It's made me see things different and will really help me tighten up this novel. Thank you all!