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Commenting time frame (CST): 9/15 ~ 9/25

Moderator: swiftiegirl1010

Comment Topic: What are your first impressions on the main character and are they characters you can be invested in throughout the story?

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Author #1: burnedoubt

Book Title: ANARCHY [BBC Sherlock Fanfiction]

Specified Chapter: Chapter 4

Summary Thus Far in Book: After being hired to work in one of the world's most highly guarded prison, Sera quickly finds her role as one of the prison psychologists (the third one in the last few months) turned on its head when she meets a woman named Eurus Holmes. This is a woman who has been imprisoned for the majority of her life, with an extraordinary capacity for manipulation and an equally extraordinary unattachment to the concepts of morality and emotion.

From the first minutes Sera and Eurus' meeting, the prisoner's fascination and motivation to push Sera Baine's mental and physical capabilities means their roles are inevitably reversed. The role of "lab rat" is filled by Sera, and it becomes increasingly obvious that Eurus isn't as confined as the new test-subject first believed. She is put through Eurus' tests (dealing with emotional and bodily stress), which are executed by prison guards, each tied in with various methods of gaslighting, blackmail, and disillusion. The chapter opens with the first test.

Author's Note: Oh my. The big moment. I'm quite literally shaking as I type this out, and I've been planning what I want to say here for months. But, in all honesty, there isn't much I can say that hasn't been said before, other than the fact that since joining, I have a tenfold appreciation for the word "kudos". Thanks NBR. Lol, anyway, I actually am so incredibly thankful for all of you fantastic reviewers and moderators. Please knock yourself out with this one, and don't hold back on the even the most general / detailed constructive criticism (goodness knows I need it). Thank you DawnStarling .

1) Please comment on your level of engagement throughout the chapter (and where + why you felt that). I'm asking this because I've gotten quite a bit of feedback saying I'm too wordy / I have too many redundant sentences / etc. Does the language turn you off?

2) What do you think of Sera and her thought processes (does she stay within what you think her character is)? In general, she is an intellectual (a psychologist), just to give some context.

3) What are your thoughts on my (progressing) writing style, and what are your suggestions to refine it (i.e building tension, creating emotional depth, improving levels of detail, conveying realistic thoughts and reactions, etc.)

In-line Comment Preference: Encouraged and welcomed!

Genre: Fanfiction

Rating: PG-13

Winning comment: Will be announced soon.

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Final Authors Note:

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Author #2: AmyMarieZ

Book Title: The Intrusion

Specified Chapter: (chapter) 4. Seen and Unseen

Summary Thus Far in Book: The story is set in downtown Vancouver, BC, and is told in split 1st person POV for the two main characters: Andy and Jordan. In chapter one, on her way home from work after a late night, Jordan observes a strange shadow figure watching her, but as it approaches it disappears into nothing, leaving her to wonder what it was she really saw. She returns to her apartment shaken, but her roommate Mel is able to cheer her up by suggesting that they engage in one of their favorite "innocent" pastimes – people watching from the 25th floor of their apartment. But as Jordan is gazing into the apartment across the street, she sees a man (Andy) who appears to be watching her as well. Chapter 4 is from the point of view of Andy, right after Jordan sees him. The main purpose of the chapter is to provide some foreshadowing and mood setting, as well as introduce the character. Previous to this chapter, Andy's POV has only been presented in the prologue where he briefly describes how he has been watching people from the windows of his apartment, showing a loneliness more than a malicious intent.

Author's Note: Thanks so much to the NBR team for all the work they put in to this organization! I've already learned so much about writing since I've joined. I'm excited and nervous for the spotlight, but I'm sure that I'll get some helpful and much needed advice/feedback.

Q1: In this story, many of the chapters written in Andy's POV are almost entirely internal narrative/stream of consciousness. The character's thoughts are crucial to the story, but since this is the first chapter in Andy's POV, I feel like it comes across as a bit out of place because the chapters leading up to it in Jordan's POV are very action/plot based. Question: can you think of any way to help ground this chapter and make it feel more like a part of a story and less like just a random stream of consciousness?

Q2: Are there any points where you got bored while reading, or any points where you feel like it would be beneficial to break the narrative and have something more tangible happen in the real world outside of the character's mind?

Q3: What are your thoughts on the character after reading the chapter?

In-line Comment Preference: Welcome!

Genre: Horror

Rating: PG

Winning comment: Will be announced soon.

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Author #3: reeseaxford

Book Title: Dark Crown (The Mysteries of Llyrak)

Specified Chapter: Chapter 1

Summary Thus Far in Book: This book takes place about sixteen hundred years in the future in a country called Llyrak, which is split into the six regions of Sergandia, Kazimat, Lukenstein, Dimasiia, Klavdiar and Nahdiko. In the prologue, my main character, Mishka, is seven-years-old and her brothers, Artem and Morozko, are nine and four. Really all you need to know about this chapter though is that it is explained that the kid's dad (and Mishka's mom's husband) left the small family just a few weeks earlier. It's also important to note that Mishka's mom kills herself at the end of the chapter, which subsequently leaves the three children alone to fend for themselves. The first chapter starts eleven years later in Sergandia, the largest region of the six.

Author's Note: Oh my gosh, I can't believe I'm finally in the spotlight! I can't wait to see what feedback you guys give me! I just want to thank all the moderators who get this going every week. This is such an amazing opportunity and I'm very thankful for it.

Also, feel free to be more harsh with me if you so desire. I don't like it when people give me a sugarcoated truth. Just lay it on me XD

1) Because this story takes place in the future, I have had to create much of the society, culture, technology etc. myself. After reading this chapter, what do you think of my world-building? Do you think this world and especially its new technology are unique yet realistic enough for this future society?

2) Pretty much this entire chapter is action, with maybe 2 or 3 lines of dialogue. Being that this is one of the opening chapters of the book and that it needs to be able to entice readers, do you think the lack of dialogue helps or hurts the chapter as a whole? 

3) There's a lot that happens in this chapter in terms of action. Is all of this action and the sequence of events understandable or did you find yourself getting lost? If you couldn't follow the events, what can I do to improve the clarity of the chapter?

In-line Comment Preference: Welcome!!

Genre: Science Fiction

Rating: PG-13, for some violence

Winning comment:Round 101 Comment Topic: What are your first impressions on the main character and are they characters you can be invested in throughout the story?

I read the prologue first, and that makes a HUGE difference here. Had I started with chapter one, I would've had little chance to actually connect with this character or build much affection for her. And then there's the overall situation she's in during the first chapter, plus that fight involving the dog. Now, I've had dogs come after me before, and I'm very pragmatic about that—you defend yourself. However, she's already committing a theft here, plus we barely know her, so I'm already in a position of not being all that inclined to side with her or have much patience when you add in the element of people and animals getting hurt or kílled in the course of her activities. And we've already been told that the reapers are deadly weapons, so...it can be assumed that the guards and the dog were all killed. So the prologue is really a saving grace. I was able to connect far more with Mishka there and get some insight into her thoughts and also the trauma and suffering she's been through, and how deeply it affects her. So, consequently, while I'm kind of pursing my lips and sighing when I go on to watch her in chapter one, I have more patience and am willing to stick with the story longer to hopefully get a chance to see more layers of the girl. For me the prologue has far more draw as an opening chapter and is much more effective at making me want to continue reading this book. Especially since the events of Chapter 1 don't especially stand out to me—especially in terms of distinguishing itself from books with similar openings or characters—while the prologue's events and style will very likely stick in my memory.Author's Questions: Hello, Reese! I hope you are doing well today. Now let's get started with the questions!1) Because this story takes place in the future, I have had to create much of the society, culture, technology etc. myself. After reading this chapter, what do you think of my world-building? Do you think this world and especially its new technology are unique yet realistic enough for this future society?Yes, I do think it sounds believable enough, plus I also like the feeling of creativity there, as well. I think you're doing a good job coming up with interesting things that sound fairly realistic.2) Pretty much this entire chapter is action, with maybe 2 or 3 lines of dialogue. Being that this is one of the opening chapters of the book and that it needs to be able to entice readers, do you think the lack of dialogue helps or hurts the chapter as a whole? This basically connects to the topic question for me. We do get to see in this chapter that Mishka is proficient at her work, and we see a little spark of mischief there as well, but I don't feel like we really get a feeling of connecting with her as a character. It's not that you can't have a chapter like that, but for the LENGTH of the chapter, I don't feel that it works ideally to keep us so distanced from our protagonist. We barely feel what she's like, it's been years since the last chapter, so we need to get reacquainted with her in this new age of hers and new life she's living.And I also think that the first section (that is, when she's in the palace and then shortly afterwards. Once you get to the fight scene with the two guards, the pace proceeds at a better rate.) of the chapter needs to be streamlined anyway—it's meant to be an action chapter, but feels for me like it drags on a little too much. I feel that it needs to have a quicker pace, feel more compact. The long sentences and long blocks of description make it feel slower and calmer. My recommendation? Get your information in, but try to keep the sentences higher, more concise, and keep the paragraphs shorter. (I feel this is especially important given your decision to make this an action-focused chapter rather than a character-focused one.)Speaking of which, that seems to be a general issue I'm seeing, as it was also present in the paragraph. I'd recommend checking out the chapter "Sizing" in Sapphire Alena's book here. She breaks down the topic of not only paragraph length but also sentence length, as well as some notes about sentence structure. 3) There's a lot that happens in this chapter in terms of action. Is all of this action and the sequence of events understandable or did you find yourself getting lost? If you couldn't follow the events, what can I do to improve the clarity of the chapter?I didn't really find clarity to be an issue—I understood what was going on just fine. I mainly just felt that the delivery of the information needed to be quicker and more direct during that first section.Additional Notes:Some quick notes before we start: (Refresher on my editing approach)For my edits, I'll simply show the revised version of a sentence or paragraph, and then note within brackets what changes were made—and may also elaborate on why, if I feel further explanation of the change is needed. Also, because my edits often involve punctuation, I try to keep things exact. For example, if a specific sentence was at the beginning of a multi-sentence quote, so it has an opening quotation mark but not a closing one, then that's how I'll write it in my revision. (Ps. There are times where I'll simply show the unrevised version of a sentence or passage, and note my recommendations, but leave it to the author to determine how to revise it).Also, since I can't italicize comments, I use asterisks to mark off the scope of italicization when needed. Additionally, in order to avoid having comments automatically flagged, I have to alter cursewords and even some non-cursewords by using alterations, like accent marks that aren't normally present in the word. Please just disregard those when you see them. All right, then—here we go!Ps. If any of my comments come off tersely, they're not intended that way; it tends to be an issue of time. The less time I have to spare, the more sparse and direct I'll be in my writing. And of course I'll make subsequent notes shorter when addressing an issue I've already covered. Sometimes "semicolon added" or "unneeded comma removed" is all I feel is needed. ****************The wall itself is an inanimate object, but you've phrased this in a way where you're effectively saying that these reason feel that the wall itself resents them. So I can say already that the current wording doesn't work. The question is what your actual intended meaning is here. Do you mean that the regions are resentful of the wall, or that the wall's presence makes the regions feel like they are resented? I'll show you some example revisions—one for the first possible meaning, and the other for the second possible meaning.First meaning: The country's six regions of Sergandia, Kazimat, Lukenstein, Dimasiia, Nadihko and Klavdiar all feel resentful of this wall.The country's six regions of Sergandia, Kazimat, Lukenstein, Dimasiia, Nadihko and Klavdiar all resent this wall.Second meaning:This wall makes the country's six regions of Sergandia, Kazimat, Lukenstein, Dimasiia, Nadihko and Klavdiar feel that they are resented by the outside world. This wall leaves the country's six regions of Sergandia, Kazimat, Lukenstein, Dimasiia, Nadihko and Klavdiar feeling resented by the outside world.BLURB:Those who like to claim that ignorance is bliss have never lived in the country of Llyrak. Having had a massive wall that has surrounded it for sixteen hundred years for no known reason to its' citizens, the country's six regions of Sergandia, Kazimat, Lukenstein, Dimasiia, Nadihko and Klavdiar all feel resented by this wall. They feel cut off from mankind. Abandoned. Alone. This has made Llyrak the pinnacle of mystery for all, and has caused tension between the rulers of the six regions, leading to an overall hate of the largest of these regions, Sergandia. This hostility that the regions have for each other only rises when the becoming advisor and best friend to the prince of Sergandia is unexpectedly kidnapped by a group of homicidal terrorists. To make matters worse, Prince Nikita also knows that they have taken her to Kazimat, the region that is the biggest enemy to Sergandia. Nikita is all but hopeless of ever saving his friend until he finds himself intertwined with the young Mishka Mironovna Pronina, Sergandia's greatest thief. To avoid starting an all-out war with Kazimat, Nikita and Mishka must go behind the emperor's back to rise to the challenge of saving the young advisor. But the stakes are high. Nikita knows he has to save his best friend, but at what cost? The regions are already on the brink of war, and the curiosity of why they had been sealed off from the rest of humanity continues to increase. Stepping out of place may be just what Llyrak needs to cause the entire country, and maybe even the world, to collapse into ruin. [I'm wondering what you mean to convey by this section: The country's six regions of Sergandia, Kazimat, Lukenstein, Dimasiia, Nadihko and Klavdiar all feel resented by this wall.Moving on, this is another passage that gave me pause:Stepping out of place may be just what Llyrak needs to cause the entire country, and maybe even the world, to collapse into ruin. When you use the expression that something is just what is needed for a purpose, that's generally used for positive contexts. But ruin certainly doesn't sound like a positive or desired outcome here, so I'd recommend changing the wording. I think an expression like "all it takes" may work better here. Example: Stepping out of place may be all it takes for Llyrak to cause the entire country, and maybe even the world, to collapse into ruin. My final note about this blurb is that although it's nicely done, it does feel rather long—and more importantly, like you're probably revealing a bit more of the plot and events ahead of time than you should, though I can't say that for sure without reading more chapters.]PROLOGUE:Next: Quieter than it should have been, as if it held secrets that it wished not to disclose. [Removed "in it"—the phrase wasn't needed, and simply added length to the sentence. In this case, the length wasn't a benefit.]Next: She wanted to just wrap him in her arms so she could keep him like that, so she could protect him from the world and its cruelties. ["Its" is one of those tricky words that breaks the rules. Despite being the possessive form of "it," it has no apostrophe with it. So I've changed "its' cruelties" to "its cruelties."]Next: He was all that she could think about since he'd left. How he had abandoned not only them, but her little brother as well. [Since the story is already in past tense, I changed "he left" to "he'd left" and "he abandoned" to "he had abandoned" because I felt those parts needed to be in past completed tense. Some references here: Next: Slowly, and with less certainty, she began nodding her head again. [Okay, I'm thinking we have a word choice issue here. A minute ago you said thisThe young girl paused for a moment, then shook her head violently. She wanted to lie, but she knew her brother would just see through her if she tried. "Shake" is generally used to refer to the gesture that means "no"—at least in some countries, anyway. You shake your head side-to-side for "no" and nod your head up and down for "yes"—and those are the words used to refer to them—shaking and nodding, respectively. You wouldn't say "She shook her head 'yes'" or "He nodded his head 'No.'"Also, you said that she wanted to lie but knew there was no use in it, so it sounds like she DID admit that she was thinking about her father—in which case her gesture should've been to nod her head "yes." And now you've gone on to say that she "began nodding her head again." If she's doing it AGAIN, then that confirms that either she did just nod her head earlier, or, possibly, that she first shook her head in denial but then decided to reply honestly and nodded it in confirmation. Either way, that interaction needs to be clarified for the readers.]"I already told you that I don't," he said softly. "I just know he's not coming back." [You've been using "soft" fairly frequently in reference to Artem, and I think the emphasis is a bit heavier than needed:"Mishka?" a soft voice asked from the opposite side of the room.She turned around to see him sitting up in his bed, letting out a soft yawn."Do you miss him?" Artem's voice got even softer, softer than it already had been, if that was even possible."I already told you that I don't," he said softly. "I just know he's not coming back." Mentioning it slightly less would probably be advisable, and/or varying the choice of words. For example, "I already told you that I don't," he said quietly. "I just know he's not coming back."]Next: Mishka nodded. She already knew that part herself. After all, it was the only thing her mom kept saying. Ever since her dad left, Mishka had heard her mom tell herself several times a day that he wasn't coming back, almost as if it were a warning. The girl's mother had taken the abandonment the worst of them all. He was the father of the three children, but due to their young age, the children barely knew their father. But their mother was different. Their mother really did know him. She had fallen in love with the man. He was her first and possibly her last love. She knew the full extent of what he had done. [I broke this up into two paragraphs–it felt a bit long for a single one, especially since it's advisable to keep paragraphs on Wattpad on the shorter side. Many of the users are reading via mobile device, and large blocks of text look even larger and more visually tiring there.]Next: She couldn't care less if she were to get into trouble. [Ha, this is one of my particular peeve areas—people saying "could care less" when they really mean "couldn't care less." So I'm always quite pleased during my critique when someone uses the correct phrase–as you have here!—and I try to make sure to note it.]Next: Mishka stepped out of her house, gazing up and down the street in fascination. They were all covered in a thin layer of iron that helped to amplify the magnets that lay beneath it. The magnets that ascenders and glyders repel away from, that make their entire mode of transportation possible in the first place. The streets were a thin, clean silver color, unlike the rest of the houses around it. [You keep shifting back and forth between plural and singular when referring to the street here. Mishka stepped out of her house, gazing up and down the street (singular) in fascination. They (plural) were all covered in a thin layer of iron that helped to amplify the magnets that lay beneath it. The magnets that ascenders and glyders repel away from, that make their entire mode of transportation possible in the first place. The streets (plural) were a thin, clean silver color, unlike the rest of the houses around it (singular).My interpretation is that you're trying to refer to that particular street but also explain that it's typical of the streets in the area, but you've done it in a way where you've created grammatical inconsistency, which also makes things confusing sometimes. You say that Mishka is gazing up and down the street, and then in the next sentence immediately jump to "they were covered in iron." "They?" It wasn't initially clear who or what the "they" referred to here. Also, you'll probably want to remove the shift in verb tense that you have in the third sentence–you've made that sentence present tense, while the rest of the paragraph is in past tense.]Next: Mishka stepped out of her house, gazing up and down the street in fascination. They were all covered in a thin layer of iron that helped to amplify the magnets that lay beneath it. The magnets that ascenders and glyders repel away from, that make their entire mode of transportation possible in the first place. The streets were a thin, clean silver color, unlike the rest of the houses around it. While even the worst houses in Sergandia weren't horrible, they were a lot dirtier and older than the streets between them. They were also small, and could only hold a couple of the people, unless they wanted to squish like Mishka's family did. But the houses were in good shape, there wasn't much of a threat of any of them collapsing, and they provided a roof over the heads of those who wouldn't be able to otherwise afford it. The street that Mishka lived on was small and dark. There weren't any outdoor lights to brighten Mishka's path, and walkways didn't exist in the streets. Normally, the girl would have no problem running out into the street to play, or to go into the neighbor's yards, but on that night, she wasn't feeling it. [The paragraph needed to be broken up some, not only because of the length but also because of the shifts in topic. Also, I'd recommend finding a way to more smoothly transition between what are now the first and second paragraphs here. Talking about the transportation mode and then abruptly shifting to the appearance of the street doesn't quite vibe with me. It's a small matter, but still feels a bit off.]Next: The tall, looming wall made of dark brick that was so hard it couldn't even be chipped. [Removed the comma.]Next: Mishka suddenly shook herself back into focus, tearing her thoughts away from the stories her mom had told her, and looped around to the back of their house. [Changed the second instance of "focus" to "thoughts"—you'd just used "focus" already and I thought a different word would flow better here.]Next: "Wait! What about Mom and Morozko?" Artem froze. Clearly, in the heat of the battle he too had forgotten about them."We have to get them out of there!" While she didn't know why, whatever that thing was, it was lurking around their house. [ "Mom" needed to be capitalized here, as it was functioning as a name substitute. The paragraphing had to be changed as well. I already had some concerns before, but it's especially evident here, because it affects the clarity of the paragraph. When you shift back and forth from Mishka's words or actions to those of Artem, you also need to start a new paragraph. This is a great link that was very informative for me and that I now share quite often during my critiques. The other issue that I found here is the use of your phrase "the heat of the battle." "Battle" doesn't quite feel accurate here, especially since they were basically just fleeing here rather than engaging their pursuer. So I think another word like "moment," "pursuit," "chase," or "escape." Probably "moment" or "escape," because the other two sound more like they are the ones doing the chasing rather than being chased.]Next: She just kept going up the steps and into the door until her brother called out behind her, "Wait." [Capitalized the quotation here.]Next: "Stay out here and watch for the figure. I'll get Mom and Morozko," he said with authority. [The comma after "authority" needed to be a period instead. And "mom" needed to be capitalized.Also...he's the older sibling, and he's leaving her out there? This doesn't sound right. I would expect him to send her inside to wake the family while he stands guard.]Next: She was staring at the symbol, as if deep in thought, when a slight whisper of noise came from behind her. ["As if"? Mishka is basically our POV character here, from what I can tell. We've already been privy to her internal thoughts and feelings. The uncertainty in this sentence makes it feel like we're being pulled back and taking a more distant view. Also, it sounds as though she actually IS deep in thought here anyway.In any case, though, if you were simply trying to state how she would look to an outside observer, I think you should clarify that a bit in the text.]Next: The black figure continued advancing on her, getting larger as her heart beat faster. Or did her heart beat faster as it got larger? Mishka gulped, blinking back her fear. She knew it was pitiful, but her plan didn't extend beyond yelling things at the dark shape. She had just kind of hoped that it would see her bravery and go away. Obviously, that didn't work. With only one option left, the girl dropped her arms and opened her mouth, ready to scream. Then her mother, not some scary monster dressed in black, stepped into the light. Her mother had deep, dark bags under her eyes and red rims that proved she had been crying. A deep sadness sat in her mother's eyes, which was new for her. Even after Mishka's dad left, her mother always had a slight glint of joy inside her when she looked at her children. It was now missing from her gaze. Instead, Mishka's mother held herself nervously, but she was also tense, as if there was something she didn't want to tell Mishka. Everything about Mishka's mother seemed different, more depressed than usual, but there was still no doubt that it was her. Mishka dropped her posture. [This paragraph definitely needed to be broken up, so here's one possible format for it.]Next: Mishka's mother sighed and scooped up the young child in her arms. "Monsters don't exist. How many times do I have to tell you that?" Mishka lowered her head shamefully. Her mother had told her many times, yet Mishka always seemed to forget her words when in times of distress. [Changed "monster's" to "monsters." I also separated the paragraph because of the shift in focus from the mother to Mishka herself.]Next: With Mishka in her arms, her mother walked back up the steps and into the house just as Artem came skidding around the corner. [Changed "walks" to "walked" to make the verb tense consistent.]Next: Artem dropped his head and muttered, "Oh." [Capitalized the quotation.]Next: It would be more talk about how monsters weren't real, and were just made-up creatures in their heads. [Hyphenated "made up."]Next: Their mother sighed irritably, but shook her head. "It's fine," she mumbled. "Mishka already told me what you thought happened. Let's just get you back to bed, okay? It's late." Even though her mother didn't say it, Mishka knew that they would be talking about this tomorrow. It would be more talk about how monsters weren't real, and were just made up creatures in their heads. [Separated the paragraphs because of the shift from the mother to Mishka. Since you already have the reference link now plus some examples form me, I'm not going to worry about doing these topic separations any more myself. I recommend going back throughout the chapter, as I know there will be ones I haven't marked.]Next: What did she mean by the apology? [Streamlined this, as there was no need to repeat that much of the information right after it had initially been given. In other words, we've just read the mother's apology, so we don't need to be reminded what the apology said—that it was an apology about not being stronger.]Next: But she knew her mom would overcome it—she always did. [You had a comma splice situation here, so I changed the comma to an em dash instead. Next: But then she remembered her mother's words. There are no such things as monsters. [The second sentence either needs to be changed to past tense to match the rest of the story, or it needs to be marked off as a quotation or thought in order to let it stay in present tense.]Next: Even though it had been hours since their mother had put them to bed again, Mishka was huddled in the same spot on her bed from before the whole fiasco with her brother, still not asleep, and still whispering her mother's words to herself. She had her arms wrapped around her legs, and her chin resting on her knees. Her eyes were cinched tightly, as she whispered to herself, "monsters aren't real. Monsters aren't real..." Mishka had paused to take a breath from her repeated phrase, when a blood-curdling gunshot ricocheted throughout the house. It was a gunshot that seemed to freeze time. It was the gunshot that would change Mishka's life forever. It bounced around the house, inside her head, and into the world outside. It broke the perfect silence of the night, shattering it into oblivion. Morozko's cries erupted from the bed near Mishka's, filling the empty space around her with horror and pain. [Broke up the paragraph and changed "paused" to "had paused." Also hyphenated "blood curdling" since it was functioning as a compound adjective.]Next: She had never heard the shot of a gun before, and she wasn't sure what had just happened. [Showed one option for fixing the comma splice here, although I would advise doing some tweaking of your own, since I feel like there's a smoother way you could word and/or punctuate this.]Next: There on the bed was her mother, lying on her back. [Changed the punctuation in hopes of improving the sentence flow.]Next: This was the decision her mother had made, the reason that she apologized for her inability to be stronger. [Changed "is" to "was."]Next: Unfortunately, despite her mother's words, Mishka could not come to accept it. As the time passed, and as Mishka grew older, she slowly came to learn that the kind of monsters she had thought in her younger years to be real―large, furry, animal-like creatures―were just stories. But what happened next would keep Mishka believing for years to come that monsters were real; they just resided within themselves. [In the third sentence, it feels like you're describing Mishka's future development, but in past tense, and that doesn't really mesh well with the rest of the paragraph, where we're still in the middle of her childhood and the particular evening you've been talking about.In fact...it's hard to tell what time frame you're really referring to here, especially since you have two contrasting ideas on her belief in monsters. Are you saying that she had been learning that monsters weren't real, but then that night changed her mind? Or are you saying that eventually she would eventually stop believing in monsters in the future, but that this night's events meant that it would be a while before she could come to that point of not believing in them?Whichever one you mean, I feel we need to be clearer on that.]Next: Her eyes were cinched tightly as she whispered to herself, "Monsters aren't real. Monsters aren't real..." [Removed the comma after "tightly." Capitalized the beginning of the quotation.]Next: She had left them.OR: *She left us.* [The tense here needed to be changed, so I've shown two options—making it past complete tense, or using regular past tense and making it one of Mishka's internal thoughts. Also, if you do go for the second option, I recommend grouping that thought with the paragraph that currently follows the line. (The "Mishka had thought" paragraph.)]Next: She had abandoned them, with nothing more than a sad smile to remember her by. [Nice job with this ending line, especially as figuring out the closing words for a chapter can be challenging.]CHAPTER 1:I wanted to work on the two beginning chapter sin order, but I ended up being much busier than anticipated and hadn't realized how long the prologue would be. So in a bit of irony, most of my line editing was spent on the prologue, because I don't have time to make a lot of line-editing notes for the spotlighted chapter itself. First: The theories, for now at least, were holding true. OR: For now at least, the theories were holding true. [The arrangement of this sentence felt slightly awkward, and I felt the flow would benefit from changing the placement of "were" so that it wouldn't be separated from "holding."Next: She had only run into one guard, whom she was able to easily dispose of. ["Whom" was the needed word here, rather than "who." Next: This was what she had come for. [Changed "came" to "had come."]Next: After she confirmed where the door was in the darkness, she got down on one knee next to the keypad. Carbon steel doors were great, but they all had one minor flaw. The emperor had tried to fix the flaw so that it would be triggered if it was exploited. It was an admirable plan, but it still wouldn't keep Mishka from getting in. Digging a metal wedge out of her backpack, Mishka shoved it between the keypad that had been buried in the wall and the metal around it, and easily broke it off to reveal an assortment of colorful wires. She found the one wire in the bunch of them that was colored green, and cut it. Instantly, the door popped open as alarms that shrieked like a child went off. The lights in the hallway clicked on one at a time, starting from the vault and going down the length of it, until the entire thing was lit up like the sun. [Broke up the paragraph. Also, "baby child" is somewhat redundant—you really need to use one or the other, but not both. I'd also recommend adding an adjective or additional description in front of the word to make it easier to imagine the sound. As in, what's the child's emotional state or behavior like? Just as a rough example, you could say "petulant child" or mention tantrums, something of that sort, if you want to convey a more hostile/angry tone. And you'd describe the sound other ways if you were going for a more mournful or haunting sound to the sirens. Although I do wonder about using "bay" or "child" at all—the alarm here basically represents a hostile or troublesome, but babies and children are generally seen as entities to empathize with instead. A wailing child or especially a wailing baby may be in distress or frightened. So I don't think the description of the alarms quite conveys the feeling you want.]Next: Her whole body tingled with excitement as she ran back into the hallway to see guards already streaming down the right side of it, armed to the teeth in gear. The front line of guards held staggers, a large weapon that could paralyze anyone. The weapon shot darts that could bring down even a full-grown man, but they weren't deadly, no matter where they hit. However, the reapers that the guards farther back had were.Reapers, which were black and had sharper edges and a sleeker design than the staggers, were similar to the guns that they still had from hundreds of years ago, only they were more superior in that they were smaller, essentially weightless, and could shoot more accurately. They also did not have to be reloaded as much: two hundred pellets could fit inside one reaper at a time, making it the epitome of a weapon.Mishka had a feeling the prince knew what she was after, and didn't want to risk her escape. [Paragraph separation.]Next: Making it to the palace gate, Mishka moved behind one of the trees to stay out of sight of the two guards posted at the entrance. Down at the other end of the road, she could hear the deep but smooth purr of the ascender's engines powering up. They were still far off, but Mishka knew they would be on top of her in only a matter of time. Sure enough, no more than a few seconds later, the first ascender passed by Mishka's hiding spot, followed by at least thirty other glyders and even a few more ascenders. As the last of the large vehicles passed, Mishka jogged out, grabbed the back of the last ascender with her left hand and engaged her magnetic levitation boots once again. The ascender just pulled her right along with it, out of the gate and past the guards standing at it. Mishka smiled to herself, mostly to keep the beat of her heart calm, and held onto the ascender as they zipped through town. [Breaking up the paragraph.]Next: She had taken two steps, when someone yelled, "Halt." [Capitalized quotation.]Next: The reminder brought her hopes up almost as much as the sudden shots of a reaper behind her brought them down. [Nice line here!]Next: Mishka grabbed the lower and upper jaw of the dog on top of her, and forced them apart so that its tongue flopped around like a fish on dry land. [Changed "it's tongue" to "its tongue."]Next: The guards tried to stop her with words of disapproval as she ran, but Mishka was already too far away to hear them. [The word "disapproval" sounds far, far too mild too accurately convey their feelings and the threat factor here. She broke into the palace and has just taken out some of their men—plus one of the dogs—but their reaction makes it sound more like she's just an ill-behaved child storming out of a principal's office early.]Next: Mishka pushed herself back up and peered out the window in time to see the back of the pack of dogs turning around another corner, in pursuit of a mere ghost now. ["In pursuit of a mere ghost now"–nice manner of expression there.]Next: The only thing she could hear was the blood rushing through her ears and the shrieks of the dogs as they got farther away. [There are some high-pitched sounds that dogs will make when excited or in pursuit of prey, but the word "shrieks" comes off very oddly for describing them, and also more feline in nature. It might work if they were supernatural dogs of some sort that made unusual sounds, but not for more or less regular guard dogs (even with that itself being a potentially broad scope, what with all the breeds there are).]Next: The crickets were singing their nighttime songs, and Mishka listened to them, eyes closed as she congratulated herself on her biggest feat yet. ["With her" wasn't really needed and just extended the sentence. Also "daily nighttime" feels paradoxical. I understand what you meant here–a 24-hour day—but you're better off removing the "daily" part and simply using "nighttime" or "nightly."]Summary:Both the prologue and Chapter 1 had some different issues with grammar and punctuation, as well as a tendency towards very long paragraphs. There were also issues in the prologue with not making sure to begin new paragraphs when a new character began speaking or acting. Plus there are the other issues I've highlighted in my replies to the questions and topic.With all that said, I really loved the writing in the prologue! The writing style in it flowed so well, with great balance between dialogue, internal thoughts, description, and actions, and also well-timed execution in how the author would switch between those elements. It was also emotionally powerful, and held my interest in both the overall chapter and in the characters themselves.I really enjoyed it, and between the two chapters, the prologue was most definitely the one that solidified my interest and made me want to check out some more chapters when I can spare the time.One big note here, though. In this advice book, the author mentions that he skips prologues and why he does so, and my concern here is that you've basically set things up to where the prologue is the much stronger chapter but is not positioned as the true opening to the story. And I suspect that he's not the only one who does this. Given the fact that the events and dynamics in this prologue are the types of things that greatly affect one's life—in fact, he even used death of the MC's mother as a specific example of important info that should be in the main body of the story and not an optional chapter–I really think it would be disadvantageous to have readers skipping it.

Well, those are my notes here! I hope that they will prove to be of help to you. Good luck!

Network with this winner: AhoskaJackson

1st runner up: Tegan1311

2nd runner up: 

Final Authors Note:

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