Growing up I was told that girls shouldn't play in the mud ...

I would be playing with all my cousins , she would pull me out though "you're a girl Johanna" she would say and make me help her with the gnocchi.

Growing up I was told that you should strive to be a princess .

I would be playing with my dolls , my Barbies were all ready and I was waiting for my neighbors to come over and play . She would be mad at me because all my Barbies had black hair like me while hers were blonde . "Gosh Johanna! You can't make her pretty with hair like that !"

Growing up my aunts took my shopping , saying if I wanted to meet a nice boy and impress him so he'll be my husband I should dress nicely .

"That's a boy's shirt " they would say.

My name has always been a problem... When is as younger I used to want to change it to Starfire from Teen Titans .

My brothers would watch that show as mom made me help with dinner .

When I got to the age of 10 I found that some people didn't like saying "Johanna"

That's were all the nicknames came from .

My first nickname was Joey ... My grandfather gave me that because I had a small kangaroo stuffed animal I would take everywhere .

My second nick name was Jossandra ... A combination of my name Johanna Alessandra .

My third one was Anna , all my aunts called me Anna "because Joey is a boys name !" They would say.

My friend Anna said that "I'm Anna ... But you can be anything you want ... How about Jo ?" She said .

I shook my head no but then my grandpa told us about Jo from Little Women .

I liked Jo, she was strong and powerful ... She was beautiful and smart and she was also a Jo ...

The first time a boy said my name while kissing me he said ""Damn Johanna "

Boys always called me Johanna "because if my dad saw me texting someone about a date and their name was Jo , they would think I was gay"

My first ever boyfriend called me Joey ... His name was Marcus ... Or Mark for short . I know it should be Marc but he prefers the k .

I still remember one time when it was just the two of us "fuck Johanna " and  giggled because he never called me Johanna...

My name is not up for discussion... I am Joey ... I am Jo ... I am Jossandra... I and Anna ... I am Jobi... I am B(my last name ) but most importantly I am Johanna ...

Which much name angst ,

-Cruthie M.