Chapter 28 

Renee

New Year's Eve

Craxis. I think that's one of the best words that Fidel told me. It means the unease of knowing how quickly your circumstances could change on you, I remember he said it's from John Koenig. I think it's beautiful yet heartbreaking.

It hits me to the bone. I couldn't believe that something could change and happen with a blink of an eye. Last time I remember I was so scared of telling Fidel the truth about his father, until they finally reunited, and now he's already saying goodbye to him but this time without going back.

It hurts seeing him hopeless again, lifeless, and feels like dying. And I felt like something inside me died that day, too. Ayoko pa. Hindi ko pa kaya. Hindi ko alam kung kakayanin ko. Ayokong makita na siya naman ang nagpapaalam sa 'kin. Ayokong dumating ang araw na maririnig ko ang huling salita niya. Ayoko.

When I said that meeting him is the best thing that happened to me, I meant it wholeheartedly, pero hindi gan'on kadali ang lahat. Hindi puro saya, hindi puro malamig na hangin ang nararamdaman ko, hindi palaging maaliwalas ang paligid. I know he didn't know about this, but ever since I found out he's dying I couldn't sleep at night. May mga gabi na naghihintay ako ng message mula sa kaniya, na baka kung anong emergency ang matanggap ko kaya kailangan ready ako palagi. Minsan kahit magkasama kami at alam kong okay siya, hindi ako mapalagay. Nasanay na rin siguro akong magpanggap na okay ako sa harapan niya dahil alam kong magagalit siya kapag sinabi ko sa kaniyang nilalamon na ako ng takot at pangamba. I don't want him to feel bad, kaya mas pinili kong labanan at lampasan ang sakit dahil alam kong mas nasasaktan at nahihirapan siya.

Hindi ko alam kung ga'no karaming luha na ang naibuhos ko sa kaniya, but I know those tears are nothing with these tears I'm crying right now. Fidel's unconscious. Magmula nang araw na nilibing ang Papa niya bumalik ulit siya sa hospital dahil sa kawalan ng lakas. I thought it was just a normal day like the other episodes he had, but it's not, it's too far from what I'm expecting. Tatlong araw na ang nakakalipas magmula ng magpaalam ang Papa niya at hanggang ngayon hindi pa rin nagigising si Fidel.

"Alam mo kung p'wede lang... magpapatayo ako ng bahay rito, tapos may small house for animals din, para safe sila, okay lang siguro mag-isa ako dito basta kasama sila, pero syempre bibisita ka."

I felt the cold air pass through my face as those words from Fidel flashed on my mind while I'm here at Fidel's. Hinayaan kong tumulo ang mga luha ko kasabay ng pagbalik ng mga napag-usapan namin. We only knew each other for almost a year but it feels like we've been together for a decade. Well, I wouldn't be surprised, he always has the best topics to talk about and best ideas to do.

It feels illegal to be here without him. It feels wrong. I feel like I'm breaking the biggest law ever. But I need this, I need to breathe, to escape, to cry, I need to be here at Fidel's even without him. It's almost a week and he's still sleeping, I know he's just sleeping.

Nakakagago na nandito ako sa Fidel's pero wala ang taong nagpakilala sa akin sa lugar na 'to. I feel like I'm breaking into piece. It's been almost a week since I started talking to him and not receiving anything from him, araw-araw kong kinukwento sa kaniya ang mga nangyayari sa 'kin, sa shop at resto, sa mga stray animals na nakakasalubong ko, at kung ano-ano pa. And I couldn't help myself but to cry every time I tell those things to him, pero mabilis ko ring pinapalis ang mga luha ko dahil baka any time magising siya at makita niya akong umiiyak.

Six days and he's still unconscious, alam kong bingi na si Kuya SM sa pagtatanong ko sa kaniya kung anong dapat kong gawin pero paulit-ulit lang ang sinasabi niya sa akin. We can't do anything but to wait for him to wake up. And pray, he needs that. Don't hurt yourself, he'll be fine. But I can't help myself, I can't. Hindi sapat ang maghintay lang ako, kulang ang pagtakas ko sa Fidel's.

And now I'm on the cemetery, halos sumabog ang puso ko habang nagkukwento ako sa mga magulang ni Fidel, I even prayed to them to guide him, na sana huwag muna nila kunin si Fidel, it's too soon, marami pa siyang gusto gawin. But then it hits me, maybe I am being too selfish.

I've been there with him when he found out he's sick. I witnessed his all battles. I saw how his body changes from time to time. I witnessed how hard it is for him ro fight for his life. I was there when he got worst, it was heartbreaking. Nakita ko kung pa'no siya manghina, hindi lang dahil sa sakit niya, kun'di dahil sa katotohanan tungkol sa mga magulang niya. He's been through a lot of battles and I couldn't help myself but to feel bad for him, he didn't deserve all those pain. And as much as I wanted to keep him here, I couldn't... it's selfish. This has to end, all those pain has to come to an end, but I know it also means that I won't ever gonna see him again.

Maybe that'll be my own biggest battle.

It's officially a week since Fidel got into coma. Dito na rin ako nagpapalipas ng gabi kasama sina Kuya Rico. Those past few days has never been easy, it was frightening, it was the darkest time of my year. I have never been so scared in my life until now. He's still unconscious, and it's killing me. But those past few days thought me something, it made me realized something.

Maybe there's really good at goodbyes. Maybe it reminds us that even though we're parting ways to someone special and important to us we still have a chance to say those meaningful things to them. That even though someone will leave, at least we got the chance to wish them a good journey. It hurts and hard but it's something that we should be thankful.

"He's awake."

I froze real hard when I heard those words from Doc Santos. I couldn't believe on what he said that made me ask him again if he's saying the truth. I've been praying for days, week, and now weeks to hear those words and now that I'm hearing it I couldn't be more grateful. Finally, he's back.

"Hi..."

Nakangiting bungad ko sa kaniya nang maharap ko siya, mabilis ko pang pinalis ang mga luha ko habang marahan siyang bumabangon sa pagkakahiga.

"Hey, Miss Aguirre," he said.

God, I missed his voice.

"You're a-awake," I said under my breath. "How are you?"

He chuckles a little, "My head feels heavy, I couldn't believe I've been sleeping for two weeks already?"

"Yeah, right, pero konti pa lang pahinga mo, you need more rest so that we could go wherever we want again," mahinahong sambit ko ngunit halos magsumigaw ang puso ko.

"Well, I think I got enough sleep," he smiled. "I'm down for Fidel's, let's g?"

"Fidel, you need to rest, we'll go back there once you're completely fine." mabilis kong sambit.

"Renee, I'm dying, I won't be fine anymore."

Wow, he's really back. He's back and his hurting me. Welcome back, Fidel.

Marin akong nalunok bago muling makapagsalita, "I have an idea."

Nagtataka niya akong tinapunan ng tingin bago pa muli akong makapagsalita.

"Answer your phone when I call you, okay?"

"O-Okay..."

Nakangiti ko siyang tinapunan ng tingin bago pa tuluyang magpaalam. Nakasalubong ko pa sina Kuya Rico na humahangos pumasok sa kwarto ni Fidel. Mabilis naman akong tumungo sa parking lot at kaagad na tumulak. Next thing I knew I'm already back at Fidel's.

"Hey!"

"Hey, so, what's your plan?" bungad niya. "Umalis ka rito para kausapan ako through call?" natatawang dagdag niya.

"Well, I actually want to surprise you," nakangiting sambit ko. "I know how much you missed Fidel's, so, here you go..." dagdag ko pa at mabilis na hinarap ang overlooking sa kaniya.

Nakangiti niyang hinarap ang pagpapakita ko ng overlooking. I heard him thanking me while I'm silently sobbing as he smiles with his eyes. I missed that. I missed his eyes, his voice, his smile, I missed all of it. And now that I'm thinking it, I feel like dying that one day I'm just gonna miss all of them without seeing it once again.

We stayed like that for a moment. We talked through our phones while looking at the view. An hour later, I decided to take him to the cemetery. Alam kong kung makalalabas siya ngayon, ito kaagad ang una niyang pupuntahan.

"Wow, I must say, I love this idea, Renee," he said over the phone.

"Kaya magpagaling ka ha," I said under my breath. "Para next time kasama na ulit kita rito."

Marahan akong nalunok habang diretso naming tinitingnan ang isa't isa. Mabilis ko pang pinalis ang mga luha ko kasunod ang pagngiti ko sa kaniya. Seconds later, inutusan niya akong iharap ang camera sa damuhan, humarap sa kaniya muli ang himlayan ng Papa niya.

"Okay, move to your right," utos niya na ginawa ko naman.

Humarap sa kaniya ang himlayan ng Mama niya, but he still told me to move on my right. Hanggang humarap sa aming dalawa ang parte ng damuhang walang lapida. Sa sandaling 'yon pinahinto ako ni Fidel at narinig ko ang mahinahong niyang boses.

"There..." he said. "That'll be my place, okay? Remember that."

A beat.

I froze as hard as I couldn't imagine. Mabilis nanuyo ang lalamunan ko sa sinabi niyang 'yon. I heard an ominous silence. Tanging hampas ng hangin at huni lang ng mga ibon ang bumibingi sa akin. Hanggang sa hindi ko namalayan na nag-uunahan na muli ang mga luha ko. I felt a heartbreaking weakness.

I couldn't remember what happened what happened after that. Hindi ko na rin maalala kung paano ko pa nagawang bumalik sa hospital. Nasanay na rin siguro ang sarili ko, ang puso ko, ang buong pagkatao ko sa mga salitang katulad n'on mula sa kaniya. It hits to the bone, those words are like sharp arrows hitting my heart but I couldn't feel the pain anymore, maybe it's too numb now. And I couldn't believe na nasanay ako sa sakit, he said it's a good thing, but I don't want to feel this way. Gusto kong patuloy na masaktan dahil tingin ko kapag natapos 'yon tuluyan na rin siyang mawawala sa 'kin.

"Don't be like that, that's not what I'm expecting from you, Renee," he said. "I don't want you to remember all the pain I've given to you, I know it hurts and I'm sorry, but I want you to think all the good things and happy memories that we had, because I know that will make you at peace and happy." he added. "Don't look back at the storms, Renee, focus on sunlight and rainbow."

I cried when I heard him said that. It's been a week since he got back. Bumalik na rin ako sa trabaho at pag-aasikaso ng business namin. But from time to time and after my work, I'm always making sure na mapuntahan ko si Fidel. Minsan ay dinadalaw din siya ni Kuya SM, sabay-sabay kaming kumakain. While Kuya Rico and Ate Baby are always visiting him, too. It's so overwhelming to see that somehow we are back to normal.

Somehow. Dahil walang araw na lumilipas ang hindi inaatake ng sakit si Fidel. Minsan maaabutan ko siyang lumalabas ng CR and I know he just went through a hard time. Madalas naman pagsusuka niya ang bumubungad sa akin. Wala akong ginawa kung hindi ang pigilan ang mga luha ko sa mga sandaling nahihirapan siya. And during those hard times, I'm doing my best to remember the things he said, I keep on trying to remember all the good things that we had while he's suffering and fighting for his life.

It's the last day of November, Fidel asked if it's okay for us to go to the rooftop. Good thing Doc Santos gave us his permission. The cold air wrapped our faces as we look at the whole city. He's on his jacket, I missed this look of him, for the past few days he was wearing a patient gown and looking at him on that hurts myself.

"Renee," he calls me. "Do you think you're lucky?"

Marahan ko siyang tinapunan ng tingin, "What do you mean?"

"I mean, do you think you're lucky that you're here... living your life." mahinahon niya akong tinapunan ng tingin.

Tipid pa akong nalunok, "I guess I could say yes," sagot ko. "I got to enjoy my life, do all the things that I want, and especially, I got to meet you."

He smiled a little, "That's beautiful," he said. "You know what I realized..." natigilan pa siya. "Well, this might sound that I'm being boastful or something, but I feel like it's heartbreaking, too..."

"What is it?"

"I feel like I'm unlucky," he said that shocked me. "I feel like there are more unfortunate things that happened to me than good things," he added then lay his eyes on the city. "Maybe there's a reason that good things aren't happening to me, maybe it means that I'll be the good thing that could happen to other people," he said that looked back at me. "Yabang 'no?" tipid siyang nangiti.

"No," mabilis kong sambit. "That sounds unfair, Fidel," dagdag ko pa. "Why would you think that?"

"I don't know, I just felt it," he said. "I think while I was in coma, a biggest realization hits me," he added. "Do you think I'm one of the good things that happened to you?"

I froze. Tipid pa akong nalunok dahil sa tanong niya. Marahan pang napako ang tingin ko sa kaniya bago ako tuluyang nakasagot.

"You are the good thing that happen to me, Fidel," I said. "Always." I added as I wiped my tears.

He smiled at me and slowly pulled me to him, in a seconds he's already hugging me as I rest my head on his chest. I could feel his heartbeat. It's so loud and fast, as if something's gonna happen. That made me hug him as tight as I can. A hug that I don't want to end, because I feel like when we let go off each other it won't happen again.

After that, December came so fast. On the first few days, naging normal lang ang pag-stay ni Fidel sa hospital. Nakabuo na rin siya ng mga nakaka-usap niyang ibang pasyente. But after a week, nagbago ang ihip ng hangin.

"Gusto ko ng lumabas." diretso at paulit na sabi ni Fidel.

We've been here on Doc Santos' office for half an hour already. If you know him well you wouldn't be surprised that he'll insist on leaving the hospital. Pero sa kaliwa't kanang pamimilit ni Fidel, kasunod n'on ang pagpapaalala ni Doc Santos na hindi makabubuti para sa kaniya ang naiisip niya. And that's when I heard the heartbreaking fact again, I'm dying, Doc Santos, don't take away from me the chance to enjoy my last days. Nakapanghihina.

"Tatakas tayo," mabilis na sabi ni Fidel nang makalabas kami sa office ni Doc Santos.

Sa huli ay hindi pa rin siya pinayagan, and I'm happy for that, dahil mas makabubuti na magpagaling siya dito. Kaya hindi ko inasahan na maiisip niyang tumakas kami. We even fight about it, I need this, Renee, please. Halos sumabog ang puso ko sa pag-uusap namin, ngunit sa huli bumigay na rin ako. But we failed, nahuli kami ni Doc Santos.

Then the next day, we tried to sneak out again and this time we finally succeeded. Halo-halong kaba ang nararamdaman ko habang palayo kami ni Fidel. I don't know if we broke a law of something, but it feels nice. I don't know how something wrong like this feels so right. Maybe it's the night, or the moon, or maybe it's him.

"Gumusservi," I heard. "It means the moonlight shining on water, it's beautiful right? It's like magic." he said as he look at the see and the moon's reflection.

"You're right," I whispered.

We decided to drove to the nearest lake, it was his idea. I'm expecting na sa Fidel's or cemetery kami tatakbo pero sabi niya mabilis kaming mahahanap kung d'on kami pupunta. And I think he was right, ilang beses kasi kaming nakatanggap ng message mula kina Kuya Rico na hinahanap nila kami sa mga lugar na 'yon. We just informed them that we're good. And I actually think that Fidel's idea is good, I can't remember us visiting a lake.

I think it's the perfect time. The air is so cold, it's the Christmas breeze. The sound of waves are music to our ears. And the gumusservi is as beautiful as he said, he's right, it the closest thing to magic that I've ever seen. It feels nice to be here with him. And I'm scared that once we left this place we won't ever have the chance to do this again.

The following day we visited his parents. Nakita ko kung paano naging magaan ang paghinga niya nang maharap namin ang mga magulang niya. Maaliwalas ang paligid sa pag-upo namin sa himlayan, mahinahon ang pagkukwentuhan namin. I also told him that I visited his parents and his friend during his coma.

"I'm happy that you got to do that on your own," he said. "One day, you'll be back here and by that time you'll be looking down on three graves."

Mabilis akong natigilan dahil sa sinabi niyang 'yon, halos hindi ko magawang makapagsalita. Nagsimulang uminit ang mga mata ko habang tipid siyang nakangiti sa akin. I know something inside me broke into pieces.

"Retrouvaille," he said on a French accent. "I hope you'll feel that feeling soon when you'll come back here to visit my parents and me," he added. "It's the joy of being reunited with someone again after a long time apart."

Then, I felt like I stopped breathing for a while. Diretso ang tingin niya sa akin at hindi ko man lang magawang makapagsalita. I couldn't move nor smile. Next thing I knew we're already back at the car, he's driving. I let him drive because I'm scared that I'll never gonna see him again driving for me.

The cold air adds to emotional feeling I have once we reached Fidel's. I lay my eyes on the view, it's still the same yet it feels different. It's the Christmas breeze, the moon and stars, the city lights, the light from the car, the calming silence, and Fidel that made this night so different from the other nights that we stayed here.

"Onism," I heard him said. "It's the awareness of how little of the world you will see, it also means that you'll never experience the world in its entirety," he look at me. "It reminds us that everyone is on their own journey, and say to say, I'm near to the end of my journey."

"Fidel..."

"It's okay, Renee," he said. "I enjoyed the ride."

He smiled as I froze. Marahang napako ang tingin niya sa akin bago pa tuluyang bumalik sa harapan. We let the cold air pass through our faces while I'm wiping my tears. I looked at him, he's smiling with his eyes closed. We stayed like that for a moment, it was so peaceful until he got back to the hospital.

Akala ko wala ng kasunod ang paglala ng sakit niya. Mas nanghina ang katawan niya, tuluyan ng bumagsak at kung hindi siya magsusuot ng makapal na jacket makikita mo ang laki ng pinayat niya. He's on his biggest battle yet he still smiling with his eyes. Sa gitna ng pagsusuka niya ng dugo nagagawa niyang ngumiti sa akin. His hair still reflects on the sun even though he almost lost all of his hair. Classic Fidel.

Days and weeks passed and one thing I knew it's already the night before Christmas day. Fidel's still on the hospital. Kuya Rico's family is here also, habang ako'y nagdarasal na bumagal ang oras bago pa ako tuluyang pauwiin for Noche Buena.

But something happened before midnight, sinalubong kami nina Mommy na may dalang mga pagkain, halos mahulog ang puso ko nang sabihin nilang dito kami mag-cecelebrate ng Noche Buena, I never cried so hard on the night before Christmas until tonight. Mas nangibabaw pa ang ngiti ko ng makita ko ang malaking ngiti ni Fidel. God knows how happy I am that he's happy.

"I got something for you," I heard Fidel said.

It's already Christmas Day. Kaliwa't kanan ang naging batian namin kanina from our family to hospital staff and other patients. And now we're finally exchanging gifts.

"Really? Wow, well, thank you," nakangiting sabi ko sa kaniya. "I got something for you, too."

"Yeah? Ikaw muna magbigay." sabi niya.

"Ikaw nauna magsabi na may ibibigay ka, so, ikaw muna." depensa ko.

"Baka kung ano mangyari sa 'kin bigla tapos hindi ko pa matanggap ibibigay mo, ikaw na mauna."

"Talagang kailangan mo pang sabihin 'yon, 'no!" mabilis na sabi ko pero binigyan lang niya ako ng nakalolokong ngiti. "Fine, here," marahan kong inabot sa kaniya ang isang paper bag. "I found that on a thrift book store, and I think you'll love it."

Nakangiti niyang tinanggap ang regalo ko at mabilis 'yong binuksan, "Wow, collection of unusual words!" nakangiting sambit niya. "You're right, I love it."

"Well, you're welcome," nakangiting sambit ko. "Now, it's your turn."

Marahan niyang inabot ang isang frame sa kaliwang bahagi niya kasunod n'on ang nakangiti niyang pag-abot sa akin. Halos mahulog ang puso ko sa tuwa nang makita ko ang regalo niya. It's a drawing. He drew us on Fidel's, sitting on a car's trunk, there's a small cat beside the car, the moon and stars are present, the city lights are more beautiful here, and there are some fireworks in the sky.

"Wow, this is beautiful, Fidel." I said, overwhelmed.

"Thanks, I put a lot of effort on that," he said, smiling.

Nakangiti ko lang din siyang tinapunan ng tingin hanggang sa magtama ng diresto ang mga tingin namin. Naramdaman ko ang marahang pag-abot niya sa kaliwang kamay ko. I felt his lips on my hand that made me smile. I look at his eyes and slowly kiss him on his cheeks, after that he pulled me over him and hugged as tight as he can like it's never gonna happen again.

Nabalik lang kami sa reyalidad nang tawagin kami nina Mommy to take a picture. Lumapit sila sa hospital bed ni Fidel at mabilis na inayos ang pwesto para sa pagpicture namin. That moment I felt the surreal happiness in my heart. Malaki rin ang ngiti ni Fidel at nangungusap ang mga mata na tila ba napakarami niyang gusto sabihin. It feels magical that I almost think I'm dreaming.

It was euphoric to see him smile over the moon, my New Year boy.

And as the camera flashed to us, a fireworks light up the night sky. I just knew it's already the last night of the year, the day I used to call New Year's Eve but when I met him it changes everything. It's the last night of the year, exactly one year since I talked to him, back then I didn't know what's going to happen between us and it's still the same feeling I have tonight.

After this night, I don't know what's going to happen to me and Fidel on the following days, weeks, months, Valentine's Day, Flores de Mayo, birthdays, Halloween, Christmas Day, New Year's Eve, and New Year's Day.

He was a stranger to me, but now he's like the sun to me. I'm so scared of what's going to happen, but I must be ready for it. For our last goodbye, because I know one that's going to happen. And I will consider that moment like a sun setting that even though something's ending it can also be beautiful.

We were like New Year's Day and New Year's Eve, so close yet so far.