Chapter 26

Renee

Good at Goodbyes

Have you met someone who completely changed your life, well, in a good way of course? Or at least someone who changed your day, hour, minute, or seconds of your life. I hope you did, because that's one of the most beautiful things that could happen to you. It's something you didn't know you're looking for until you finally have it, something that will make you float in cloud nine, and something that you'll hope to last for a long time.

In my case, I'm beyond grateful to say that I've already met that person, someone who turns my world in a complete upside down that made me see the rainbow behind it. It's magical, I'm at peace, but as much as I want to hold onto it, I couldn't, because a rainbow doesn't shine all day, time will come and it will fade away.

It's the last day of October, for some people it's somehow special because they'll be having a Halloween party or whatsoever things to do, but for me, it's a normal day, stuck in our restaurant, nothing to go to. Well, in my defense I actually have a plan today, I'm just waiting for the right time for it. Surprisingly, it came to me itself, classic.

And there he is, the person who made my world more beautiful. He's on his favorite jacket, not the one I gave him. He's not wearing a beanie now which is a plus point, I really love to see his hair, it reflects to the sun and I always feel happy every time I see it. And most especially, I'm over the cloud nine every time I see him.

"Hi," he smiles with his eyes.

This reminds me of that night, his look, his smile, his sweet innocent eyes. This is way far from his version I saw these past few days. The storm has complete passed and we're now looking at the rainbow.

"Hi, I was about to visit you," I said to him.

"Well, surprise, I guess," he laughed a little. "Pambawi lang sa pang-ghost ko sa 'yo." he added.

"As you should!" natatawa na ring sabi ko, then suddenly that day flashed into my mind.

The rain continued to pour so hard as I ran towards him. And in one snap I'm already resting on his chest, sobbing as hard as you could imagine. Nasimula na rin siyang mabasa nang mabitawan niya ang hawak na payong. That moment I felt his hand stroking my hair as he whispered to my ears, it's melting me. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. He said that made me cry even more. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you worry, I'm sorry, Renee. He added, his voice feels like a warm blanket wrapping me, giving me comfort. Don't you ever do that again, don't you every shut down to my world again, don't leave me again without saying goodbye, Fidel. I said as I looked to his eyes. He slowly nod and put my head back on his chest.

"Let's eat," sambit ko sa kaniya nang mabalik ako sa reyalidad.

"Kung libre mo, hindi ako hihindi," nakangiting sabi niya dahilan para mangiti na rin ako.

Moments later we're already sitting on our table, nang ma-serve ni Kuya Jay ang order namin, tahimik lang kaming kumain. I could feel we're both looking for something to talk about. I'm thinking of asking him about his health, but I'm too scared if he'll say he's getting worse. Then suddenly an idea popped into my mind.

"Fidel..."

Naangat ang tingin niya sa akin, "Hmmm?"

"Can you do something for me?" mahinahong sambit ko.

"Anything," mabilis niyang sambit.

Marahan pa akong nalunok bago muli makapagsalita, "This might sound weird but anyway," pagpapatuloy ko. "Can you write something on this table like you're always doing?"

"Woah, that's... that's a great idea, Renee," mabilis na kumurba ang ngiti niya. "Hmmm, okay, let me think something," dagdag niya kasunod ang malalim na pag-iisip.

Nakangiti ko lang siyang tinapunan ng tingin habang nasa malayo ang tingin, seconds later he looked back at me and pulled a pen from his jacket. Kasunod n'on ang marahan niyang pagsusulat sa lamesa. Mariin ko siyang pinapanood hanggang sa matapos siya at inangat ang tingin sa akin.

"Meraki," he said, smiling. "Hmmm, it's a Greek word, I read it somewhere and it really amazed me, it's actually one of the reasons why I started writing stuff on anything," he added. "It describes the action of leaving a piece of yourself in your work."

I gulped as he said that, I was about to say something when he continued speaking.

"So, it could also mean that I technically left a small part of myself here, so, you must remember that when I'm gone I left a piece of myself here. I'm always here." he almost whispered. "Unless you'll break this table," he added, laughing that made me laughed too.

Tipid pa akong nangiti habang mabilis na pinalis ang takas na luha.

Next thing I knew we're already walking at the street with cup of coffees on our hands, just like a normal day back then. No one's talking, we let our eyes drowned on every designs of stores and shop, some of them has Christmas décor while others have Halloween designs. Seconds later, I heard his voice.

"Are you free today?" he asked.

"It depends," I said. "What are you thinking?"

"I actually planned to buy something today," he answered, looking at me.

"Oh, yeah, what is it?"

"My casket," he said, directly without filters, warning or anything that could ready myself for something like this.

But then I realized, this is Fidel I'm talking with, it's a classic move of him, to surprise me.

"T-This soon?" kinakabahang tanong ko.

"I don't think it's too soon, I actually think it's just the right time."

"Fidel," I said. "Don't say that."

"I must, Renee, para masanay ka na rin, para kokonti na ang sakit pagdating ng araw." mabilis na sabi niya dahilan para matigilan ako.

Marahan akong napalunok habang napapako ang tingin sa kaniya, naramdaman ko pa ang mabilis na pagtakas ng luha ko dahilan para mabilis ko iyong palisin.

"Where did you get the money?" I asked.

He smiled before answering my question, "Somewhere." he said and pulled my hand to continue walking.

Kasunod n'on namalayan ko na lang na tahimik naming binabaybay ang kalsada papunta sa funeral home, I guess. At ng mga sandaling 'yon hindi pa rin ako makapaniwala sa mga nangyayari at maaari pang mangyari. Mariin ang bawat paglunok ko habang nagsusumigaw sa katahimikan sa paghikbi.

"Stop crying, Renee, I'm not dead yet." I heard him said that made me looked at him.

He's smiling. He really has the audacity to smile with the fact that we're on our way to buy his casket.

I took a breath as deep and hard as I can. Mariin kong pinalis ang luha ko matapos muling humarap sa mahabang kalsada. Nabingi muli kami sa katahimikan, hanggang sa ilang sandali'y narinig ko muli ang boses niya.

"I sold the house." he said that shocked me to the highest level.

"What?! Are you serious?" halos mahulog ang puso ko.

"Yup, I actually think it's the best thing to do, para may mapuntahan din ang pinundar nina Mama." mahinahong sambit niya dahilan para mapako ang tingin ko.

"But..." I don't know what to say. "But don't you want to spend your last day there?" I couldn't believe I said that.

He chuckles a little, "I'm good with every moments I had there," he said, smiling.

"Where are you staying now?" nag-aalalang tanong ko sa kaniya.

"To the new owner of Flora For You," nakangiti pang sambit niya.

"What do you mean?" nagtatakang tanong niya.

"I gave the flower shop to Kuya Rico and Ate Baby," sagot niya na ikinagulat ko ng sobra. "I know they deserve it."

Sa sandaling 'yon hindi ko nagawang gumalaw. Mariing napako ang tingin ko sa kaniya habang patuloy siya sa pagmamaneho. Halos mabingi ako sa katahimikan at malunod sa malalim na pag-iisip. Sandali akong humugot ng paghinga habang marahang naglalakbay ang tingin sa kaniya.

So this is it, this is his steps of saying goodbye? Is he really saying goodbye now? I don't know, but it feels like it. It feels like he's saying it without actually saying it and it's killing me. I don't think I can do this. I remembered saying I need to hear his goodbye before anything else happen, but now that he's somehow doing it, I think can't do it anymore. I feel like it's a death marched song when I hear it.

"We're here."

Nabalik ako sa reyalidad nang marinig ko ang boses niya. Nang igala ko ang paningin ko, marahan akong bumaba nang makita kong nasa Safe Haven Funeral na kami. Tahimik lang akong nakasunod sa kaniya hanggang sa maharap namin si Kuya Miko, nakangiti niya kaming binati dahilan para mangiti rin ako kahit na halos sumabog ang puso ko sa halo-halong nararamdaman.

"I'm here to check the casket, Kuya Miko, I hope it's still here," pagpapatuloy ni Fidel.

"Wow, I didn't expect you to come back here so soon," mahinahong sabi pa ni Kuya Miko. "Nandito pa, halikayo sa taas."

Marahan pa akong humugot ng paghinga nang tapunan ako ng tingin ni Fidel. Muli akong sumunod sa kaniya hanggang sa maharap namin ang casket na hinigaan niya noon. Mabilis akong kinilabutan nang mapako ang tingin ko d'on, marahan 'yong nilapitan ni Fidel at patuloy pang pinagmasdan.

"I'll buy this now, Kuya Miko." pagbasag ni Fidel sa katahimikan. "Pero p'wede ba muna ulit ako humiga?" tanong pa niya na nagpapitlag sa akin.

"Ikaw bahala, Forsythe," mahinahong sambit ni Kuya Miko.

Nangiti pa si Fidel, marahang dumaloy ang tingin niya sa akin na tila ba naghihintay ng pagsang-ayon ko, tipid lang akong nangiti hanggang sa magsalita ako na nagpatigil sa kaniya.

"I want to try it, too." mabilis na sabi ko.

"What?" gulat pang sabi niya.

"Gusto ko rin masubukan humiga." paglilinaw ko dahilan para maangat ang tingin niya sa akin.

"Sigurado ka?" bakas sa boses niya ang pag-aalala at gulat.

Marahan akong natango at lumapit sa katabi ng casket niya. Dumako pa ang tingin ko sa kaniya at hinihintay ang pag-akyat sa casket niya. Bago pa kami magpatuloy sa gagawin, nagpaalam muna si Kuya Miko para asikasuhin ang forms ni Fidel. Ilang sandali nabalik ang atensyon namin ni Fidel sa isa't isa hanggang sa alalayan niya akong umakyat sa casket. Pigil-hininga akong nahiga nang makita kong nahiga na rin siya.

"How does it feel?" I heard his voice, it's somehow unclear but I could feel his overflowing emotions.

I took a deep breath as I answered, "Weird... Completely weird."

"You're right," sabi niya sa gitna ng pagtawa.

Nagulat naman ako dahil d'on, akala ko'y magkaiba kami ng nararamdaman, akala ko normal lang sa kaniya ang lahat. Sa sandaling 'yon binalot kami ng katahimikan. Napako ang tingin ko sa kisame, hinayaang malunod ang sarili sa halo-halong naiisip hanggang sa narinig ko ang boses niya.

"Renee," he said. "If anything happens... remember that you're the greatest thing that happened to me." he continued that broke my heart into pieces.

Mabilis na dumaloy ang mga luha ko, sa sandaling 'yon pakiramdam ko'y nalubog ako sa kinahihigaan ko. Binalot ako ng matinding takot, pangungulila, at pakiramdam ko'y tuluyang guguho ang lahat ng nasa paligid ko.

"You made me feel the warm feeling that the sunrise gives, it was enchanting to be with you every day just like how I looked at the sunset, and every time the moon shines with you it gives me peace and euphoric feeling," he continued as I sob to death. "It was bliss meeting you, Renee, a complete euphoria."

After that I can't remember anything happen aside from my near to death crying. Next thing I knew he's already signing the paper and within a snap we're already driving back to I don't know where.

"Do you still have plans for today?" I asked him as I looked at the kids on the street.

"Well, I should be helping on the shop today, but I'm down for anything you suggest."

Tipid ngiti ko siyang hinarap, "Let's go for a trick or treating."

"What? Seriously?" nakangiting sambit niya. "Well, that sounds fun but aren't we too old for that?"

"Technically, yes, but who cares? Who said that it's only for the kids?!" depensa ko pa dahilan para mangiti siyang muli.

"Okay, I'm in, but how about our costumes?" sambit niya. "At saan naman tayo mag-trick or treat?"

"I know a place, on our subdi," mabilis na sabi ko. "And for our costumes, I think I have something on our house."

"Well, to your subdivision it is." nakangiti pang sambit niya at tinuon ang atensyon sa pagmamaenho.

Next things I knew we're already at our house, naabutan namin sina Mommy dahilan para nagtataka nila kaming harapin. Mabilis kong sinabi ang plano namin hanggang sa tumuloy ako sa bodega namin at hinanap ang kailangan. Naiwan naman si Fidel sa salas na kausap sina Mommy, ilang sandali bumalik ako na bitbit ang dalawang paperbag. Kaagad kong niyaya si Fidel sa kwarto ko nang makapagpaalam siya kina Mommy.

"Here, this one's for you, ginamit 'yan ni Kuya SM last year, and I think mapagkakasya naman," sambit ko kasabay ang pag-abot ng paper sa paper bag sa kaniya.

"What's this?"

"Onesie," nakangiting sambit ko. "Go, wear it first." dagdag ko pa at mabilis siyang pinapasok sa CR ng kwarto ko.

Tahimik akong naghintay sa kaniya, ilang sandali pa'y nakangiti siyang lumabas ng CR suot ang onesie niya, malaki ang ngiti niya na parang batang binilihan ng bagong damit dahilan para hindi maalis ang ngiti sa mga labi ko.

Kasunod n'on ang mabilis kong pagbibihis dahilan para natatawa naming harapin ang isa't isa. I could say we look cute and I really love seeing him smile, and the way he laughed is indeed a music to my ears.

"Well, these are the most perfect onesies pair I've ever seen," he said sarcastically, laughing on his astronaut onesie.

"And this is the most unique onesie ever," I said sarcastically, laughing on my unicorn onesie.

"Yeah, right," he said, still laughing. "Let's take a picture," he added.

Nakangiti naman akong sumang-ayon sa kaniya, mabilis kong kinuha ang cellphone ko para makapag-picture kami, we even took a picture on my polaroid, and when everything's done niyaya ko na siyang tumulak kami. But before I left my room, nakita ko ang nakatiklop na papel sa lamesa ko dahilan para mabaling d'on ang atensyon ko.

Mabilis ko iyong kinuha at nabalik kay Fidel ang atensyon ko ng tawagin niya ako. Natatawa at mangha kaming hinarap nina Mommy, mabilis naman kaming nagpaalam at nagsimulang naglakad patungo sa mga kalapit bahay. Nakangiti pa kaming sinalubong ng ibang bata dahilan para makipagkulitan si Fidel sa kanila, classic.

"Trick or treat?!" masiglang sambit namin nang pagbuksan kami ng pintuan.

Nagulat naman 'yung nagbukas katulad ng mga nakaraan naming pinuntahan, nakangiti niya kaming binigya ng chocolate at mabilis na nagpalaam. Nagpatuloy kami sa paglalakad, malamig ang simoy ng hangin, mataas ang pwesto ng buwan, at mangilan-ngilan ang bituin. Pakiramdam ko'y lumalalim na ang gabi, pero marami pa rin ang mga bata sa bawat bahay at kalsada.

"Trick or treat?!"

Sa sandaling 'yon naisipan ni Fidel na magpahinga na kami, natanaw niya ang malapit na playground, senyales na malayo na kami sa bahay namin. May ilang bata sa playground ang naghahatian ng chocolates niya dahilan para makita ko ang pagngiti ni Fidel.

"Should we give them these?" patukoy ni Fidel sa mga natanggap naming chocolates.

"Really? Don't you want to keep them?"

"I thought we're only doing this for fun and experience, I didn't think of eating them," paliwanag niya. "These are too much."

"Fair point," marahan akong natango matapos ay paglapit sa mga bata.

"Wait, I want this," he grabbed a dark chocolate.

Nangiti naman ako, "Well, I want this, too," sambit ko pa kasabay ang pagkuha sa isang chocolate bar.

Nangiti lang din si Fidel hanggang sa tuluyan naming ibigay ang mga chocolate sa mga bata, masigla silang nagpasalamat sa amin hanggang sa mabilis na tumakbo palayo dahilan para maiwan kaming dalawa ni Fidel sa playground, holding our chocolates, on our onesies, under the moon.

The cold air pass through our faces as we both sit on a swing. He looked at the sky, so did I. The moon are present tonight same with stars. It's refreshing, I felt happiness inside me, my heart is racing with happiness as I looked back at him. Until in one second I felt something from my onesie.

"Fidel," I gulped as I call him.

"Yes?" he immediately looked at me with smile on his eyes.

I took a deep breath before I continued, "I have something for you."

"Wow, really?" he said, gracefully. "What is it?"

Halos mawalan ako ng hininga sa sunod kong sinabi, "I'm finally done with your eulogy."

Nakita ko ang marahang pagkagulat niya hanggang sa malalim na buntong hininga bago pa tuluyang makapagsalita, "Really? Wow, that's great!" nakangiting sambit niya. "Is it with you now? Can you read it?"

"Seriously? One these onesies?" tipid pa akong natawa.

"Why not? I think it's cute," nakangiti pang sabi niya. "So, can you read it?"

Sandali pa akong natigilan dahil sa hindi ko inaasahang babasahin ko na sa kaniya ang mga sinulat ko. Wala sa sariling kinuha ko ang papel mula sa bulsa ng suot ko. Marahang akong humugot ng paghinga bago pa tuluyang umayos ng pagkakaupo. Tipid ko siyang tinapunan ng ngiti bago pa muling makapagsalita.

"Ready?" tanong ko.

Isang tipid na pagtango at ngiti lang ang binigay niya sa akin bago pa ako tuluyang magpatuloy.

"I think I've already crumpled 10 papers before I even came up with all the things I want to say to you and all the people who are here for you. And I really hate myself for that, I should have a lot of things to say about you, but I'm really having a hard time to put these thoughts into words, maybe because writing them is same as saying goodbye to you, and it kills me," I gulped before I continued. "But here I am, I can't say no to you for this, well, I actually don't want to say no for this. And I think the best way to say something about you to all these people and to the world is to say the things I like and hate about you," I smiled.

I sob under my breath, it's killing me.

"I couldn't believe this is really our goodbyes, funny how there's a word good in goodbye yet it only cause too much pain to the people you are leaving. I hope one day I'll find the good in goodbyes," I gulped. "Fidel, as I was saying I believe in able for some people to know who you really was is to tell them the things I like and hate about you, so, here I am, I will tell to the world the things I like and hate about the person I've said the happiest Hello to and the hardest Goodbye ever."