Chapter 24

Renee

Her

Darkness. I could see everything from his eyes but there's on emotion overflowing from it – darkness.

I could still remember his emotions when he found out he's getting worse, he's so disappointed and weakness are present on his eyes. When he found out the truth about his father, there's no emotions from him. But this time, it's different, I could see everything from his eyes yet darkness are wrapping them.

I couldn't speak. I just focused on driving while he's straightly looking at the road, lifeless, I guess. And it scares me a million times. I want to say anything I'm thinking but I feel like it won't help him and it'll just make things more chaotic than it already is.

I took a deep breath as I stopped the car outside his house. I slowly looked at him, he gave me the coldest look I've ever seen since that day he found out about his father. Nakapanghihina. But I couldn't blame him. And I couldn't be anymore sorry for him. He doesn't deserve all of this.

"Thanks," he said as he took off the car. "Ingat ka." dagdag niya nang magtama ang paningin namin.

I could feel my heart breaks into pieces. Pero tinatagan ko ang loob ko, marahan akong bumaba ng sasakyan at pilit na binabalik ang lakas. Unti-unti akong lumapit sa kaniya hanggang sa tuluyang naming maharap ang isa't isa.

Nagtataka niya akong tinapunan ng tingin hanggang tipid ko siyang nginiti. Sa sandaling 'yon naramdaman ko ang pag-init ng mga mata ko, and before it even breaks me, marahan ko siyang inalapit pa sa akin hanggang sa tuluyan ko siyang mayakap.

I rest my face on his chest as I rest my body on his body. Marahan kong hinaplos ang likod niya habang walang nagsasalita sa aming dalawa. Ilang sandali pa naramdaman ko ang paghaplos siya sa buhok ko. Sandali akong napikit nang marinig ko ang boses niya.

"I'll be fine, don't worry."

I slowly took a deep breath as I look at him. Hinayaan kong magpahinga ng mga mata ko sa mga mata niya. At bago pa ako tuluyang magpaalam, sandali ko muna ulit siyang niyakap. Next thing I knew I'm already driving back to our house.

That night I didn't know how I slept, maybe it's Fidel's message that put me at peace. He said not to worry about him, and I believed him. Sobrang bigat at hirap dalahin ng nararamdaman niya ngayon pero naniniwala ako sa kaniya. Right now, I just want to hug him again, let him rest on me, and tell him everything will be fine.

I started my day with a simple uplifting message to Fidel. And after that I felt the urge to start something. I had this idea for his favor while driving back home last night. I slowly took a deep breath as I started writing, but I failed.

I couldn't think of anything to start it. I can't put these thoughts into words and it's so frustrating. It's making things hard the way it already is. Then, I tried to write again. And again. And again. And again.

And after a million hours, I finally wrote a complete sentence. I couldn't believe it's so hard for me to say something about Fidel when he's the purest person I've ever met. There's a lot to tell, but I couldn't put it into words, until I thought of something. I could start on something that will tell them how great Fidel is.

When everything's already flowing into river, d'on naman ako kinailangan umalis. Dad called to visit our second branch. It's on my schedule and I completely forgot about it. Kaya naman mabilis kong inayos ang sarili ko at mga kailangang dalahin na gamit including the one I'm writing for Fidel.

On my way to our site, I couldn't help but to get nervous about Fidel. It's already his wake up time but he's still not sending back my messages. I waited for it for a while pero hanggang sa makarating ako ng site namin ay wala pa rin akong natatanggap ng reply mula sa kaniya.

That made me nervous and hard to focus on our meeting.

When everything was complete done, I immediately drove back to the city. Halos bumaha ng messages at missed calls ang pinarating ko kay Fidel pero kahit isang reply at response ay wala akong natanggap pabalik. Sa sandaling 'yon tuluyan na akong kinain ng matinding takot at kaba.

I could feel my heart throbbing as I walk to his shop. Laking gulat pa nina Ate Baby nang humahangos akong harapin sila. Kaliwa't kanan pa ang customers nila ngunit mabilis na nabaling ang atensyon sa akin.

"Nandito po ba si Fidel?" habol-hiningang tanong ko.

"Ayos ka lang ba, Renee?" nag-aalalang tanong ni Ate Baby. "Wala siya rito," sandali pang nabaling ang tingin niya kay Kuya Rico.

"Po?"

"Nag-message siya sa akin kanina," si Kuya Rico, sandali akong nakahinga. "Pero mukha yatang patay ang cellphone niya dahil tinatawagan ko rin, pero wala akong makuhang sagot."

Muling sumirko ang pakiramdam ko sa sinabi niyang iyon, "Wala po ba siyang nabanggit sa inyo na pupuntahan niya?"

"Ang alam ko'y may lakad kayong dalawa?" nagtatakang tanong pa ni Kuya Rico dahilan para mabilis akong takasan ng lakas.

"Wala rin po akong natatanggap na reply mula sa kaniya," mabilis na sagot ko dahilan para maangat ang tingin nilang dalawa sa akin.

Sandali akong naupo sa silya, pilit kong pinakalma ang sarili ko at iniwasan ang mag-isip ng kung ano-anong masasamang pangyayari. Ilang sandali pa nag-aalala akong hinarap ni Kuya Rico.

"Ang sabi mga kapitbahay niya ay umalis daw si Fidel," salubong niya sa akin.

Mabilis akong nasinghap dahil sa sinabi niyang iyon. Mariin pa akong napikit matapos ay muling hinarap si Kuya Rico.

"I'll try to find him, Kuya Rico," sambit ko. "I'm sure he's fine, I'll message you later when I found him," dagdag ko pa. "And please, do message me when you heard something from him."

Matapos ang kasunduan namin ni Kuya Rico, mabilis akong akong nagpaalam sa kaniya. Fidel's is my first stop to look for him, kahit na maaga pa para sa pagtambay niya d'on ay mas pinili kong d'on dumeresto. I think he needs a breather and to escape from everything. And I know he need his alone time, but on times like this hindi safe ang mapag-isa siya.

Mabigat ang naging paghinga ko habang nagmamaneho pataas ng overlooking. At nang makita ko ang bakanteng lugar halos mahulog ang puso ko. He's not here. Walang bakas niya kahit ano man. Nang sandaling 'yon naramdaman ko ang pagkawala ng lakas ko. Mabilis lang dumaloy ang mga luha sa mukha ko, sandali akong napako sa kinauupan hanggang sa mabalik ako sa wisyo nang makatanggap ako ng tawag mula kay Kuya SM.

"Kuya SM?!

"Bakit ngayon ka lang sumagot?!" bungad niya sa akin. "Where are you?"

"I'm looking for Fidel, may problema ba?"

"He's here," mabilis na sambit niya dahilan para mabalik ako sa katauhan. "Actually, he was here."

Natigilan pa akong muli dahil sa sinabi niya, "What do you mean, he was there?"

"I was calling you earlier, pero hindi ka sumasagot!" mabilis pang sambit niya.

"Wait for me, I'm on my way." walang pasabing sambit ko pa.

Hindi ko na narinig ang sagot ni Kuya SM, mabilis akong bumalik sa pagmamaneho. At nang makababa ako mula sa overlooking, mabilis akong ginulat ng walang pasabing ulan. Ni hindi man lang umambon, tila isang bagsakang binuhos ang malaking ulan.

Mas lalong namayani ang pag-aalala ko kay Fidel. Sa paglakas ng ulan siyang paglakas ng tibok ng puso ko. I couldn't think of anything but him, under the rain, all alone, without me by his side.

Next thing I knew I'm already at the hospital, mabuti na lang at mabilis kong nakita si Kuya SM dahilan para paulanan ko siya ng kaliwa't kanang tanong.

"Well, he talked to me and Doc Santos," sambit niya dahilan para magulat ako.

"What? Was he mad?" nag-aalalang tanong ko.

"Surprisingly, no, but he's not the Fidel I know," paliwanag niya pa. "I could feel his overflowing emotions, pero kalmado niya kaming tinanong." dagdag pa niya.

"Well, how about you, napagalitan ka ba? Are you gonna lose your license?" mabilis pang tanong ko.

"Don't worry about me," depensa naman niya. "Think of Fidel, I know he needs you right now, he look way over his head." dagdag pa ni Kuya SM dahilan para bumalik ang nagsusumigaw kong kaba.

"Did he tell you where he's going?"

"Unfortunately, no," marahan pa siyang nailing dahilan para muli akong takasan ng lakas.

"Okay, I need to move, tingin ko alam ko na kung nasaan siya," mabilis pang sambit ko.

"It's raining so hard, Renee, mag-ingat ka," sabi pa niya. "Message me when you saw him."

Bago pa ako tuluyang makalabas ng hospital, mabilis akong nag-message kay Kuya Rico. Pigili-hininga rin akong tumawag kay Fidel pero wala akong matanggap na sagot. Muling sumirko ang kakaibang kaba sa katawan ko at pilit na pinipigilan ang pagpatak ng mga luha.

I shouldn't think of any negative things about him. He's fine, he's fine. He won't leave us – he won't leave me without saying goodbye.

On my way to my last resort I couldn't help but to cry as hard as the rain pours. Pinagtaksilan na ako ng sarili ko sa pag-aalala kay Fidel. At siguradong kapag nakita niya ako ngayon magagalit siya sa sarili niya and that made me cry even more. It's making me weak in the most possible way you could ever think of.

Bago pa ako tuluyang dumiretso sa himlayan, sandali akong dumaan sa eatery ni Ate Krisel, ngunit wala rin siya r'on. Pigil-hininga akong nag-drive papasok ng himlayan, patuloy pa rin ang pagbuhos ng ulan, halos mahulog ang puso ko sa paglapit sa pamilyar na pwesto at nang matanaw ko ang himlayan ng Mama niya tuluyang nabasag ang puso ko.

He's not here. All I can see is an empty space, the tall tree, an empty space, he's not here. The rain continue to pours so hard. I took a deep breath as I took off my car, at sa sandaling 'yon tuluyang akong sinalubong ng ulan.

Naramdaman ko ang pagdaloy ng mga luha ko sa pagsisimula kong tumakbo, kasabay ang pagsalubong sa akin ng malakas na ulang wala yatang balak huminto, katulad ng takot na nararamdaman ko kay Fidel.

Sandali akong nabaling sa himlayan ng Mama ni Fidel, hanggang sa tuluyang akong tumungo kay Daryl. Ngunit bigo pa rin akong makita siya, he's not here. Hindi ko na alam kung saan ko siya dapat hanapin and I hate myself because of that. It feels like I'm not really his friend, it feels like I don't really know him, kaya rin siguro ako hirap na hirap magsulat ng hinihiling niya sa akin. I hate myself.

I feel like I'm betraying him. I hate myself because I'm not with him to comfort him, to tell him everything's going to be alright. I hate myself.

And that moment, tuluyan ng bumagsak ang katawan ko sa bench malapit sa himlayan ni Daryl. Napako ang tingin ko sa kawalan habang patuloy sa pagbasak ang ulan sa buong lugar sa akin, hinayaan kong mabasa ako at balutan ng halo-halong nararamdaman.

I couldn't think of anything but him. I couldn't think of anything but something worse and I hate myself for that. Seconds later, I felt something flash into my mind, something that brings me back to that night he told me to write a eulogy for him.

"You know what, this may sound bullshit, but I don't want to die because of this thing that I have, something inside me want to leave this place from something that I'm not expecting."

Sa mga sandaling 'yon, binalot ako ng kakaibang takot, pag-aalala, pangungulila. I feel like something bigger than a storm is coming and I wouldn't be ready for it. Nakakatakot, nakapanghihina. I couldn't move, I couldn't think of anything but that night.

"I'm also thinking how amazing it is that I've met you before I leave this place," I heard him said after that long silence when he told me to write a eulogy for him.

"It's like something's telling us that our souls are meant to meet each other, that our stories will be in one book, everything feels surreal, but a big plot twist is waiting for us," he said straightly looking at me. "Everything must come to an end, no matter how much we hold onto it. It reminds me that even though we're at the same book, we'll have two different endings," he added. "Sucks right? What we have is something great as a sonnet, it's like pausing a heartwarming song before we even get to the good part."

Naramdaman ko ang paghina ng ulan ngunit siya namang paglakas ng mga luha ko kasabay ay pagkalunod sa mga ala-ala.

"Promise me you'll focus on yourself more once I'm gone, okay? Don't let yourself stuck on our memories, stop looking back at them, I hate for you to be in pain." he said under his breath. "You still have a long way, Renee, and you have no idea how long you'll be on this place. Please don't spend it looking back on what we had... take care of nothing but you and yourself only."

I could feel myself melting from the acidity of rain, tears, and heartbreaks. I took a deep breath as I looked back on the other things he said that night.

"I know I've said this a lot, but I'm indeed grateful that I've met you," he said, smiling with his eyes. "You're like a breathtaking sunset and gives me warm after the sun rises," still smiling. "Does that make sense?" he chuckles a little. "Never mind, sometimes things doesn't have to make sense, let's just leave it the way it is, I think it's beautiful."

Tuluyan na akong tinakasan ng lakas sa mga ala-alang sumasagi sa isipan ko. Halos sumabog ang puso ko sa nag-uumapaw na emosyon. It's heartwarming yet heartbreaking at the same time. It's the opposite of what he said about sunset and sunrise. It's killing me softly in the most beautiful way and I can't understand it.

Next thing I knew, something inside me burned. Marahan akong napatayo sa ilalim ng ulanan. Mariin akong nalunok sa pagdako ng paningin ko 'di kalayuan. It's him. He's here. He's here! Mabilis na nag-unahan ang mga luha ko habang napapako ang tingin ko sa kaniya. The rain continues to pour and drown me with my tears, it's overwhelming, I couldn't think of anything but happiness that he's already here.

He's standing a few meters away from me, holding a yellow umbrella, with his eyes resting on me. I gave him a small smile, but he just look at me without any emotions. And that hits me, something feels wrong. I know he's here but I can't feel him like before. He's standing not so far away from me but I feel like he's on the other side of whatever reality we're in. It's killing me. It's killing me to think that it'll be like this forever when the time comes, he maybe near to me but still far away. And I will never be ready to say goodbye to him just like the way he looks at me right now.

I'm not ready to close the book yet and I don't think I will ever be. Sorry, Fidel.