Chapter 22

Renee

The Wretched Favor

Complete silence. It was a complete silence since that whole conversation of Fidel and his father on the rooftop. And now we're back at Fidel's room with him. It was so nerve wracking to be in this position, I don't what to do or what should I do. The only thing I did is to watch them, sit on the sofa, while Fidel is on his bed and his father is in front of him sitting on the wheelchair.

"Do you still need to say something? Kung wala na, you can go back to your room, we both need to rest," narinig kong pagbasag ni Fidel sa katahimikan dahilan para mabaling ang tingin namin sa kaniya.

Naging matagal pa bago namin narinig ang sagot niya, "You know what... I'm actually waiting for this day to come."

I saw Fidel's jaw clenched, he didn't say anything, he just look at his father without any emotions on his eyes.

"I've been wanting to hear you forgiveness, FJ," pagpapatuloy niya. "Dahil tingin ko 'yun lang ang kulang para matapos na ang paghihirap ko," diretsong sambit pa niya. "It's been – what – four years since I found out I'm dying."

Mabilis dumako ang tingin ko kay Fidel para basahin ang emosyon niya, I'm expecting for him to get shock or anything, but he's still looking at him like a cold wall. Well, he already heard this situation about his father, maybe that's why it's not news to him anymore.

"It's chronic lymphocytic leukemia, lintek na sakit 'to." walang lakas na sabit pa niya.

Sa pagkakataong iyon nakita ko ang pag-angat ng tingin ni Fidel kasunod ang mapakla niyang pag-ngiti, "You mean you have cancer, too?" sabi niya. "Lintek na pamilya 'to, people should call us family of cancer."

Nakita ko ang mabilis na paglaki ng tingin niya kay Fidel, sandali pa siyang napikit bago pa muling harapain si Fidel. "Maybe you got your cancer from me."

"No, I got it from Mama," mabilis na depensa ni Fidel. "What you gave me is heartbreak and disappointment." mariing dagdag niya dahilan para kaagad akong mapatayo.

"FJ---"

"Go back to your room, I want to rest." malamig na sambit ni Fidel dahilan para mapako ang tingin ko sa kaniya.

Wala na akong nagawa sa diretso niyang paghiga patalikod. Dumaloy ang tingin ko sa Tatay niya at tipid lang akong nginiti. Mahinahon niyang sinabi sa akin na babalik na siya sa kwarto niya, naglakas loob akong ihatid siya pabalik dahil may kalayuan iyon at sa kalagayan niya ngayon siguradong mahihirapan siya.

Sandali pa akong nalingon kay Fidel bago kami tuluyang umalis, he's still on that position, I don't know if he's already asleep but I didn't bother to speak to him, I know he need silence. Once I brought his father back on his room I just said goodbye to him. He thanked me for what happened even though I think I really didn't do anything to help them.

Nang makabalik ako sa kwarto ni Fidel, I saw he's already sleeping, sakto rin naman na dumating sina Ate Baby dahilan para makapagpaalam akong aalis muna. I think I need to breathe for a while, too. Sobrang bigat ng umagang nasaksihan ko at hindi ko alam kung tama ba ang mga naging desisyon ko. It was a lot to process.

"Renee!"

Natigilan ako sa paglalakad nang marinig ko ang pamilyar na boses, it's Kuya SM, nang magharap kaming dalawa laking pagtataka ko ng seryoso niya akong tapunan ng tingin.

"Where are you going?" he asked.

"Home, why?" mabilis na sagot ko. "May problema ba? Is there something wrong with your heart again?"

Mabilis siyang nailing kasabay ang pagsasalita, "No, no, I'm fine, totally fine," sambit niya. "But I do need to give you something."

Marahan akong napaatras dahil sa sinabi niya, this is the first time I saw him like this except for the last time he told me about Fidel's father kaya naman kaagad akong binalot ng kaba. Hindi ko na nagawang magtanong sa kaniya nang sabihan niya akong tumuloy kami sa office niya.

"What is this all about?" nagtatakang tanong ko kay Kuya SM habang abala siya sa paghahanap ng kung ano man sa mga files niya.

"I found something on Fidel's Mom." diretsong sambit niya dahilan para balutin ako ng gulat.

"What?" halos mahulog ang puso ko. "What do you mean you found something?" nagawa ko na siyang lapitan para iharap sa akin. "You got to stop doing this Kuya SM, katatapos lang makita ni Fidel ang Tatay niya at hindi naging madali para sa kaniya 'yon!"

Nabuntong-hininga lang siya sa akin bago muling nagpatuloy sa paghahanap.

"I can't afford to tell him something like that again, Kuya SM! Hindi madali!"

"But you have to, Renee," naangat ang tingin niya sa akin and this time he's already holding a brown envelope. "Here, read that and give it to him." diretsong sambit niya dahilan para maangat muli ang tingin ko.

"What?! No, Kuya SM! I can't! I mean – I know he deserve to know whatever that is but this is wrong!" mabilis na depensa ko. "And what exactly is that? What information about his Mom? He knows exactly what happened to her, Kuya SM."

"Oh yeah? So, tell me what was it?" halos pabulong na sambit niya.

"No, I don't want and I should not, it's something confidential, and this---" mabilis akong tumuro sa hawak niya. "This is confidential, so, you have to stop doing this! You might lose you license because of this."

"It's my own copy, Renee, I own this one, and he deserve to know the truth, so, it's either you're going to tell him or I am!"

I gulped real hard when I heard him said that. Mabilis pa akong nabuntong hininga bago mapako ang tingin ko sa kaniya patungo sa hawak niya. Marahan niya iyong inabot sa akin hanggang sa walang lakas kong tanggapin. Muli pa akong nalunok ng mga sandalling 'yon at wala sa sarili akong nagpaalam kay Kuya SM.

I feel like a walking zombie or perhaps someone with a ticking bomb while on my way home. Today is my first day I'll be using my own car and I don't want to mess it up. Hanggang sa makauwi ako sa bahay wala ako sa sarili ko dahil sa envelope na hawak ko. I'm doing my best not to open it because I can't keep something from Fidel again, and Kuya SM is right, he deserve to know whatever this is and he should be the one to know about this first.

A few hours later I went back to the hospital, it's almost late at night kaya naman hindi na ako nagtaka na tulog na si Fidel. I decided to stay for a while until the cut off of visiting hours. He really need to rest kaya mabuting hindi ko na siya abalahin. But the next day I got lucky to saw him up and putting his clothes on.

"Where are you going?" nagtatakang tanong ko sa kaniya.

"Oh, hi, good morning to you, too," he said, sarcastically. "Somewhere, wanna join?" he answered to my question as he put his hoodie and beanie on.

"Did Doc Santos know about this?" nag-aalalang tanong ko.

"Don't worry," tipid ngiting sambit niya. "He will." dagdag niya dahilan para magulat ako.

"Fidel!"

"Relax, I'm fine, Renee," direstong tingin niya sa akin. "Its just that I don't want to spend my remaining days here," dagdag pa niya. "At may naisip akong gawin, so, are you down for it?"

"This is really a bad idea, Fidel, you need to rest."

"I did, and now, I need to move," depensa niya matapos ay nagsimulang maglakad, natigilan pa siya sa may pintuan. "Ano, tara?"

"Where are you up to, Mister Laurente?"

"To Sunny Side Garden, Miss Aguirre." he said, smiling. God, I missed that.

Marahan akong nabuntong hininga bago pa siya tuluyang sundan. While on our way to parking lot, I can't help myself but to hold onto the envelope inside my bag. There's no way I could this to him right now, he seems to be in a good mood and I don't want to take that away from him.

"Let's take my car," I said to him nang makarating kami sa parking lot.

"What? You have your own car now? Wow!" nakangiting sambit niya.

"Yeah, and I will be your driver, so, let's go." mabilis na sabi ko.

"Not so fast, Renee, how about my car? I can't leave it here." depensa naman niya dahilan para matigilan kami.

"We'll be back for it, don't worry."

"Oh, yeah?" nangiti pa siya. "Let's just take each other's car, let's meet on my house, that's our first stop." he suggested.

"Deal." mabilis na sambit ko bago pa kami tuluyang maghiwalay.

I followed him as closely as I can, good thing hindi rin naman niya ako iniwan. An hour later we arrived at his house, mabilis siyang kumilos sa pakay niya dahilan para magtanong-tanong na ako.

"What exactly are we doing?" tanong ko sa kaniya habang abala siya sa pag-aayos ng gamit.

"Well, naisip ko kagabi na ibigay ng ibang gamit ko sa Sunny Side Garden, so, kahit wala na ako may makikinabang pa rin dito." paliwanag niya dahilan para matigilan ako. "Okay, those boxes, we'll put some of my clothes there; this one, for toys and books that I still have; and here, anything that we think that are still useful."

I froze when I heard him said that. Ni hindi ko lubusan naintindihan ang sinabi niya. Nabalik lang ako sa reyalidad ng tawagin niya ako. Marahan akong nalunok bago pa mapako ang tingin sa kaniya. He's eager to do his plan, and something inside me are tearing apart while I'm looking at him. That moment I remembered what he said about accepting his fate, I thought I'm already on board, but now it's killing me again.

"Do you think they'll love this?" he asked me, holding his drawings, they're so colorful.

"For sure," halos pabulong na sambit ko.

Muling akong nalunok sa pagpapatuloy niyang kumilos. Halos mapuno na niya ang mga boxes sa harapan namin dahilan para mabakante ang ilang bahagi ng kwarto at buong bahay niya. I can't remember if I did something to help me, nabalik na lang ako sa reyalidad nang sabihin niyang tapos na kami.

And when I looked around his place I felt something inside me broke, it's almost an empty place. You could only see the most essential things on his place, the drawings on his wall are gone, some of his clothes are already on the boxes. It's empty. So, this is going to be when he's gone, empty. And heartbreaking.

Nakapanghihina.

"I hope they'll love these," narinig kong sambit niya habang abala siya sa pagmamaneho.

Tipid lang akong nangiti sa kaniya, hanggang ngayon ay wala pa rin ako sa sarili ko. Hindi makapaniwala sa nangyayari, it's so fast, it's overwhelming, it feels like he's already leaving so soon, and I can't handle it anymore. I don't think I can handle it anymore.

Nabalik lang ako sa reyalidad nang salubungin ako ng kanta mula sa radio. Sandaling napako ang tingin ko kay Fidel, he's smiling and seems to be enjoying the song. Maaliwalas ang mukha niya ngayon, malayong-malayo sa emosyon na mayroon siya nang makita niya ang Tatay niya. And that scared me even more especially that I have something about his Mama now.

"Wow, that was a great song." he said as he stopped the car.

I didn't even notice that we're at Sunny Side Garden. Nangiti lang ako sa kaniya at sumunod sa paglabas niya. The sun sets on our way here, hence it's already dark outside. Good thing maraming ilaw sa lugar, sinalubong kami ni Ate Rose na mukhang inasahan na ang pagdating namin.

"I'm sorry, Ate Rose, I know it's late but this is something so spontaneous and don't know if I still have another day to do this," sambit ni Fidel habang naglalakad kami papasok ng building.

"Fidel," mahinang pagtawag ko sa kaniya dahilan para tipid siyang mangiti sa akin.

"Don't worry about it, Fidel, you guys are always welcome here anytime," mahinahong sambit ni Ate Rose. "Unfortunately, the kids are already preparing to sleep." dagdag pa niya nang makapasok kami sa office niya.

"Oh, sayang naman, but I understand," nangiti pa si Fidel. "I just hope they'll like these." nabaling ang tingin niya sa tatlong boxes sa harapan namin.

"I know they will, Fidel," nakangiting sambit ni Ate Rose. "I'll let you know once they got these, and I'm sure they'll be more than grateful."

"Thanks, Ate Rose."

"You guys want to stay for a while? I'll make you some coffee." alok pa ni Ate Rose.

Nabaling naman ang tingin ko kay Fidel at hinintay siyang sumagot, "Oh, no need, Ate Rose, we're good, we should probably head too, it's getting late and you need to rest."

Nangiti pa si Ate Rose, I thought she'll let us but she kept on insisting for us to stay for a whole, so, we did. Tumulong na lang kami sa pagtimpla ng kape niya, and once we're done she suggested us to stay outside para mas presko, Fidel find it a good idea, so, we did, until we found a playground beside the building.

"Wow, it feels nice here." narinig kong komento ni Fidel.

We're both sitting on a swing, with a cup of coffee on both hands. Looking at the stars, unfortunately, the moon didn't show tonight and I remembered what he told me about it. Wow, we indeed had a lot of things we shared.

"Renee," I heard him calls me.

Nabaling ang tingin ko sa kaniya, "Fidel?"

"I've been thinking something," mahinahong tanong niya.

"What is it?"

Marahan pa siyang humugot ng paghinga bago ako diretsong harapin, "Will you cry when it happens?"

Nanlaki ang tingin ko sa kaniya, kaagad akong binalot ng pag-aalala at matinding kaba. I froze for a moment, I didn't expect him to say that, never.

"What do you mean?" pagwawalang malisya ko.

Don't say it, please, Fidel, don't say it.

"Will you cry when I die, Renee?"

A beat.

Silence. I felt like something hits me so hard. It's tearing me apart, real hard. I felt a tear flowing on my face and before it even breaks me I wiped it as fast as I could. I looked straightly at him, and when I was about to answer, he cut me off.

"Well, I wish you will, not that I want to hurt you and cause pain, but I think I want to know someone will cry when the time comes, you know, at least for courtesy, I guess." mahinahong sabi pa niya dahilan para muli akong matigilan.

"Fidel," I gulped, no words are coming from me.

"I could feel that it will happen anytime soon, maybe sooner than we expected, that's why I'm doing this," dumako ang tingin niya sa harapan habang napako naman ang tingin ko sa kaniya. "But you know what, this may sound bullshit, but I don't want to die because of this thing that I have, something inside me want to leave this place from something that I'm not expecting," narinig ko pa ang mapakla niyang pagtawa. "Bullshit, right?"

Nabaling sandali ang tingin niya sa akin, tipid siyang nangiti habang ako'y wala pa ring magawa kung hindi makinig lang sa kaniya at maghintay sa pagsabog ko. I feel like anytime soon I will break into pieces.

"Hey," he mutters. "Do you know the name of that song we listened to earlier?"

"N-No."

"Oh, okay, let me search it, I think I remember some of the lyrics," he said as he pulled his phone from his pocket.

As I looked at him I can't help but to think he's too pure to experience all of this, this pain, this cruelty, especially when something about his Mama is waiting for him.

"Ah! Got it, it's Gatton's version of Rainbow," nakangiting sambit niya. "Let's listen to it again," he said as he played the song.

I rest my eyes on him when the song started, he's listening to it while his eyes are close, holding his phone and cup of coffee on the other hand. He's at peace, I felt it. The song goes on, it's refreshing, but something inside me is tearing apart. Next thing I know tears are already flowing on my face.

"Favor, Renee," I heard him said while his eyes are still closed. "Can you play this song on my funeral?"

A beat. I froze real hard. I felt the horror inside me. I felt betrayed. Nakapanghihina. Nakakagago. Pakiramdam ko unti-unti akong natutunaw sa sinabi niya. And worse, I could imagine it, I could see him lying on his death bed, his gold casket, his last moment as the song plays, it's heartbreaking. And beyond that I can't see anything but darkness. It's dark out there without him and I don't think if I could handle it.

"Fidel," I said, with weakness.

The song goes on, it's a great song as he said but listening to it feels like sharp arrows hitting my heart.

"One last favor, Renee," I gulped when I heard his calm voice again.

His eyes are still shut. He slowly took a deep breath as he opened his eyes and looked straightly at me. I felt weakness with the way he looks, it's not something that brings good news nor positive vibe. It's dark, lifeless, it's like he's saying the hardest thing I will ever hear.

"This is going to be a big one and I will owe you a lot for this, so, I hope you'll give me this one," he said under his breath. "I want to hear it from you before it gets late, I want to hear anything you want to say to me, I don't want to wait for that day because I don't know if I'll be able to hear it," he took a deep breath before he continued and before I heard the hardest favor ever. "Can you write a eulogy for me, Renee, and read it before I die?"