CHAPTER 20
RENEE
The Aftermath

Fidel's birthday celebration was a blast. I know he enjoyed his birthday and I'm beyond happy for him. The next day we just went back to our normal lives, he stayed on his shop, while I had plans out of town for our second branch. Everything's going smoothly, except for what Kuya SM told me the other day.

I've been keeping something from Fidel since the day we visited his friend and Mama. The truth is Kuya SM finally found something that keeps bugging him about Fidel. I hate that I'm keeping this from him, and as much I wanted to say this to him I can't because I don't know how to start telling him that I know where his father is, and I don't even how if he wants to know it.

Good thing I managed to keep it from him during his birthday, if he didn't danced me that night of his birthday I might've said it to him already, but still I don't want to ruin his night. But now that everything is back to normal, I don't know if I could handle it anymore.

Dad and I are on our way to Kuya SM. He said I might want to see Fidel after a long tiring day, so, he took me with him.

Muli akong humugot ng malalim na paghinga. Marahil pagod lang talaga ako sa mahabang meeting namin kanina. O talagang binabagabag lang ako ng impormasyong dala-dala ko. I really hate Kuya SM for doing this, now my conscience is eating me alive for keeping something like this for so long, and worst it concerns Fidel!

Next thing I knew we're finally at the hospital. Hinayaan ko na lang si Dad na tumuloy kay Kuya SM, hindi ko siya kayang harapin ngayon dahil masisigawan ko na naman siguro siya. I just walked straightly to Doc Santos office, Fidel told me that they're finishing things, so, I just waited him outside the office.

"Hey, busy girl."

It's Fidel. Nabaling ang tingin ko sa kaniya mula sa kaliwang bahagi. He must be done with his appointment.

"Oh, hi," pilit akong nangiti sa pagtayo ko. "You're wearing my birthday gift to you, wow." komento ko pa.

"Yup, this is my new favorite hoodie, thanks to you."

He's also wearing a beanie, his hair might be in a bad situation right now. I'm kinda sad with that, his hair is one of my favorites.

"You look tired, are you okay?" narinig ko pang tanong niya nang magsimula kaming maglakad.

Marahan pa akong nalunok, "Yeah, it's the whole business." pagdadahilan ko. "And maybe I really need some fresh air."

Narinig ko pa ang mahinang pagtawa niya, "Is that your way of telling you want to go to Fidel's?"

Napangiti naman ako sa sinabi niyang iyon, marahan ko pa siyang tinapunan ng tingin. "I guess it is," natatawang sambit ko pa.

"Well, sure, we'll be there later," sambit niya. "I just need to go back to the shop, is it okay?" mahinahong dagdag pa niya.

"Yes, sure, no problem."

"And you need to eat something, let's go." mabilis pang sabi niya matapos ay marahan akong tinulak sa likuran, mukha tuloy kaming mga bata.

We walked straightly to the parking lot and while on our way he was just telling me how his consultation went.

"Well, I don't know if it's a good new, but I'm still on stage 2," mahinahong sambit niya dahilan para mabaling ang atensyon ko sa kaniya.

"Sounds good to me, at least you're not getting any worse."

"Exactly my point," nakangiting sambit pa niya.

"You'll get better." halos pabulong na dagdag ko pa.

That's too bland. I don't know what to feel, but I know I feel like I'm cheating on him. It makes me feel worse. I took a deep breath for the nth time. Good thing we reached his shop without anything worse happening.

"Hi, Ate Baby!" nakangiting salubong ko. "Where's Kuya Rico?"

"Oh, hi, Renee, nasa likod Kuya Rico mo." sambit naman ni Ate Baby habang inaasikaso ang isang customer.

Fidel went to his office to do something. Habang naghihintay nilibot ko na lang ang paningin ko sa paligid. May mangilan-ngilang customer, nasilayan ko na rin si Kuya Rico at nakangiti akong binati. Diretso siyang tumungo sa itaas sa pagtawag sa kaniya ng isang customer.

Tahimik ang buong shop, pahapon na rin kaya madalang lang ang tao. Naisipan kong libangin ang sarili sa malaking bulletin board sa pader ng shop. I remembered the first time I saw this board, I was and still amaze with a lot of drawings of cats, dogs, flowers, and especially her. His Mama. And that moment his Papa flashed into my mind, now it's all over my head again.

"Hey."

Nabaling ang atensyon ko sa likuran nang marinig ko ang boses ni Fidel, tipid akong nangiti matapos ay bumalik ang atensyon sa harap ng dumako rin d'on ang tingin niya.

"I missed drawing stuff and posting it there, it's been a while," narinig kong sambit pa niya. "Anyway, nag-order ako ng food natin, let's just wait for it."

Marahan akong natango sa kaniya. Kasunod n'on ang pagdating ng isang customer dahilan para magpaalam siyang asikasuhin muna iyon. Pinanood ko siyang makipag-usap sa customer, he's really good at it, mahinahon ang bawat pag-alalay niya sa customer hanggang sa mauwi sila sa bulaklak na bibilihin.

I sat on the chair near me, still watching him. Minutes later, dumating ang order niya, he's still busy wrapping the flowers kaya naman ako na ang sumalubing sa delivery guy. A moment after he's finally done with his customer.

"Let's just wait for Ate Baby and Kuya Rico." sambit niya sa akin matapos ay naupo sa tapat ko.

"Sure."

Hindi rin naman nagtagal natapos sina Kuya Rico sa pag-asikaso sa customers nila. They closed the shop for a while para walang abala sa pagkain namin. While eating I can't help myself but to look outside. It's late in the afternoon, I bet anytime soon the sun will set, but today's daylight is different from the previous day. It's weird. Not a good one nor a bad one, just weird. I think it'll rain anytime soon or maybe it's just because it's really late in the afternoon.

"Penny for you thoughts, Miss?" I heard Fidel's voice.

Marahan akong tumingin sa kaniya. "Nothing, I'm just thinking if it's going to rain." tipid pa akong nangiti.

"Oh, yeah, makulimlim nga," nadako pa ang tingin niya sa likuran niya. "Are you worried we might cancel our plan?" dagdag pa niya ng bumalik ang tingin sa akin.

"Not much, I think I'm good to say here." mahinahong sambit ko.

"Really?" naangat pa ang kilay niya. "Why is that?"

"I mean, look at where we are, it's so refreshing here, the flowers are really nice, and it smells good here." paliwanag ko dahilan para mangiti siya.

"Fair point," nakangiti pang sambit niya. "Finish your food and we'll see what happens."

I gave him a soft smile and continued eating. Once we're done they opened the shop again. And since I don't have anything to do, I just helped them with anything I could do. I feels nice working at a flower shop, especially with good music blasting inside, you can never really go wrong with Christmas songs. One moment later the sun finally sets, it's already dark outside, and a lot of neon lights from the shops outside are giving lights.

"Bye-bye, Renee, salamat sa pagtulog!" its Ate Baby.

Kuya Rico said his goodbye, too. Their duty today is done but Fidel and I decided to stay for a while, I told him I'm enjoying my stay here. The good smell of flowers are keeping me sane, especially the neon lights from the outside, it adds more effect for tonight.

"Well, I felt betrayed." narinig kong sambit ni Fidel dahilan para mabaling ang tingin ko sa kaniya.

I couldn't speak. I felt something with what he said. It scares me but I feel like I'm just thinking way too much.

"It's didn't rain, we should've been at Fidel's now." dagdag niya dahilan para makahinga ako ng maluwag.

"Maybe tomorrow," ayon na lang ang nasabi ko.

"Yeah, right," tipid niyang sambit matapos ay nangiti pa. "Let's go buy some coffee." pag-iiba niya ng usapan dahilan para mabago ang atmosphere sa pwesto ko.

Nangiti akong sumang-ayon sa kaniya matapos ay kaagad akong naglakad palabas ng shop. Sandali niyang ni-lock iyon hanggang sa nagpatuloy kaming tumungo sa malapit na coffee shop. It's two blocks away from his shop. I ordered iced Americano and a hot one for him.

"May cupcakes sa shop, let's eat that later." sambit ni Fidel nang makalabas kami mula sa coffee shop.

Tahimik lang akong sumangayon habang patuloy kami sa paglalakad. Marahan ang naging paghakbang namin, ilang segundo pa narinig ko muli ang boses niya.

"You know what, I've been thinking," mahinahong sambit niya. "Tingin mo bakit New Year's Eve ang tawag natin sa gabi ng December 31?" dagdag niya dahilan para mabaling ang atensyon ko sa kaniya.

Sandaling napako ang tingin ko sa kaniya bago pa ako nakapagsalita, "You know what, you have a point and now I'm starting to think why."

"Right? I mean, okay, after December 31, it's finally New Year, but why are we calling that night as New Year's Eve, should it be Last Day's Eve or perhaps New Year's Day, since it's technically the morning of New Year!" paliwanag pa niya dahilan para marahan akong matango.

"That's a good point, actually," tipid na sambit ko. "It same goes with Christmas Eve, and oh, 'yung Simbang Gabi? Sa madaling araw naman sumisimba sa ibang lugar, hindi gabi 'yon." dagdag ko pa dahilan para matawa ng mahina si Fidel.

"I know!" tumaas pa ang boses niya. "Maybe that's one of the explanation how complicated life is." mahinahong dagdag pa niya kasunod ang marahang pagtango ko.

Minutes later we're back at his shop, pero natigilan pa siya sa labas dahilan para matigilan din ako. Malayo ang tingin niya sa itaas kaya naman sumunod d'on ang tingin ko, he's looking at the moon. We stayed like that for a few seconds, looking at the moon that shines so bright. Nabalik lang ako sa reyalidad nang marinig ko muli ang boses niya.

"Wow," he whispered. "The moon is beautiful, isn't it?" I felt that he's looking at me and I was right.

"Yeah, it is." I said, softly.

I'm expecting him to say something after that, but he didn't – he just look at me, straightly, while smiling, he didn't let go of looking at me, as if I'm the moon, as if his appreciating something on me. I gulped as I looked to him, I rest my eyes on him, on his eyes that are also smiling like his lips. His lips, his lips, his lips that's calling me. He closed his lips that made me gulped again, it's still calling me, really loud this time, I feel like I can't resist it anymore.

And in one snap, under the moon, I tiptoed to reach him and pressed my lips onto him. It's soft, it feels cloud nine, it's calming, I feel at peace. It's something I didn't know I was looking for a long time until now. I know I was out of my mind that moment, because when I finally realized what I did, I immediately move back and felt ashamed.

"I-I'm sorry," I said without looking at him.

I continued walking toward his shop but something stopped me, he stopped me. I felt his hand on my wrist, and I froze as I heard his voice.

"I'm not," he whispered.

I gulped as hard as I can, I want to look back at him again, look him at his eyes and kiss him again, but I decided to walk away from him, back to his shop but its lock, as much as I pushed the door it won't open, until he opened it.

Inside the shop, I took a deep breath, a big one. Then I heard his voice at my back.

"Renee---"

"I'm sorry, Fidel, I'm sorry," mabilis na sambit ko dahilan para hindi niya matapos ang sasabihin niya.

"I told you I'm not sorry," mabilis ding sabi niya. "Maybe I am, but it's because I didn't kiss you back, so, I'm sorry for not kissing you back, Renee."

Muli akong napalunok sa sinabi niya, hindi ko pa rin siyang magawang lingunin dahilan para maglakad siya patungo sa harapan ko.

"No, you don't get it, Fidel, I'm sorry---"

"I get what you mean, Renee, and don't be sorry, we'll talk about it." mabilis muling sabi niya.

"No, I'm sorry," that moment I started to cry but I didn't let him to see it.

"Stop saying sorry," sambit pa niya. "Stay here, I'll get the cupcakes." dagdag pa niya dahilan para umangat ang tingin ko sa kaniya.

I saw him walking away that made me call him again, "Fidel," he looked back at me with a shock on his face.

"Why are you crying?" marahan siyang bumalik sa harapan ko. "Do you really feel bad about it, I told you, don't be sorry, its fine, Renee, stop crying."

Marahan akong nailing sa bawat pagsasalita niya, kasabay n'on ang pagpalis ng mga luha ko.

I took a deep breath as I straightly looked at him, "I need to tell you something."

"What? Is it about the kiss?"

"It's not about the kiss, Fidel." mabilis na sambit ko. "I think you need to sit for this one," utos ko sa kaniya dahilan para makita ko ang pagtataka niya.

"Is this something serious? You're making me nervous, Renee." he asked as he sat down.

That moment I froze again, I felt the horror inside me. I know it's a good thing that I'll be telling him about his father now, but I don't know how he will handle this one. I'm expecting for worse because I know how he feels about his father, if this will be the last time he'll speak to me, I'll understand it. But before any of that happens, he deserve to know the truth.

"I think..." I gulped before I continued. "I think I know where you're father is."

A beat.

I saw confusion on his eyes, pero sa kabila n'on para bang hindi siya makapaniwala sa narinig.

"What do you mean?" napatayo na siya. "You don't even know him, what do you mean you know where he is?"

"I don't know where to start, Fidel, but listen to me," I said. "It was Kuya SM who found him, apparently he used to be his patient, and when Kuya SM met you, that's when he started looking for your background."

"What? I can't understand." naramdaman ko ang pagtaas ng boses niya, hindi dahil sa galit kundi dahil sa gulat at pagtataka. "You guys did a background check on me?"

"It's not the way you think it is, it just that Kuya SM felt something familiar with your name, and that's when he remembered your father." mahinahong paliwanag ko sa kaniya ngunit bakas pa rin sa mukha niya ang halo-halong emosyon.

"Did you see him? Did you talk to him? Are you friends now? Is that why you're telling me this, Renee?" sunod-sunod na tanong niya dahilan para maalarma ako.

"No, Fidel, it's not like that, it's nothing like that," mabilis na depensa ko. "I did went to see him, but I didn't talk to him, I just went to see him to confirm it's really your father."

"Stop telling me his my father," mariing sambit niya dahilan para mapitlag ako. "Well, I felt betrayed." déjà vu.

"Fidel," halos walang lumabas na salita mula sa akin.

Ngunit laking gulat ko na lang ng makita ko ang mabilis na pagbagsak niya sa upuan. Mabilis siyang napahawak sa ulo niya dahilan para balutin ako ng kaba at pag-aalala. Halos sumabog ang puso ko nang pigilan niya akong lapitan siya.

"I'm fine, you don't have to worry," he said in a cold voice. "It's just a lot to process." still cold.

I froze, real heard. Pinilit kong hiindi umiyak dahil tingin ko'y wala akong karapatan. I'm the one who made him miserable right now.

"I don't know what to feel, I can't think of anything," halos pabulong na sambit niya. "I feel like dying," dagdag niya dahilan para mapako ang tingin ko sa kaniya. "I feel like dying just thinking about it."

"Fidel---"

I didn't get to finish what I want to say. He said he'll drive me back home. Wala na akong nagawa kung hindi ang sumunod sa kaniya. He closed the shop and walked on his car as I followed him. No one's talking on our way, I can't think of anything to say, and I feel like he really need to think. He need silence.

Once we reached our house, he just said his coldest goodbye, but I couldn't blame him. I wanted to message him, pero siguradong abala siya sa pagmamaneho. That night I couldn't sleep, he's all over my head, he's still not texting me and it's making me worry and guilty a lot more. I felt nothing but fear especially when I remembered he said that he feel like dying.