Chapter 27

Fidel

One Soul to Another

I could hear my own heart racing as I look at the moon. I know that deep inside I'm happy. Not because we had a fun night, but also because I'm here with her. We may not be at Fidel's, my escape place; but I'm happy I'm with Renee, my escape person.

I looked back at her when I heard her voice. She said she got something for me. I thought I could never be happier tonight but what she said gives me more joy. But then, it hits me, I couldn't believe I will hear those words tonight.

"I'm finally done with your eulogy."

I was taken aback. So, this is it. This is finally the time I'll hear the things she wants to say to me and about me. And maybe this is another step of us saying goodbye to each other. This night couldn't be more like a roller coaster ride. The cold air wrapped me as I heard her reading the things she wrote for me. I tried to hold my tears as I can, it's not cute to see someone wearing an astronaut onesie crying.

"Here I am, I will tell to the world the things I like and hate about the person I've said the happiest Hello to and the hardest Goodbye ever." she continued. "Let me call it 10 Things I Like & Hate about Fidel," she said with a smile that made me smiled back.

I lay my eyes on her as she continued reading.

"I like it when you're sharing random words to me, I really like it to the point I love it now that I'm thinking about it, it shows how smart you are," she smiled. "Well, I hate that you made me do this, this is by far the hardest thing I've ever did, it's heartbreaking, but at the same time I'm honored, it's overwhelming."

I smiled as she looked at me, our eyes met for a seconds then she continued reading.

"I remember the sixth time we saw each other, you're feeding a stray cat and I really like you for that, I love how you feel about them, the stray animals, I saw how pure your heart is. And I like how creative you are when you're drawing them, I find it cool, especially when you drew me, I feel really special," she paused to look at me, I felt my own heart beating so fast, I smiled at her again before she continued. "I hate that you're too good to me, I never met anyone like you and I think I would never meet again, you made my standards so high," I laughed a little from that. "And I hate that you won't let me drive, when in fact I should be the one driving for you. Good thing I got my own car, I could finally drive you wherever you want to go."

Sa mga sandaling 'yon naramdaman ko ang pag-init ng mga mata ko, hindi ko namalayan na isa-isa na palang bumabalik sa isipan ko ang mga araw na pinagsamahan namin. Unti-unti akong nanghina habang patuloy siyang nagbabasa.

"I like it when you're being vulnerable to me, when you shared me your escape place, I felt like that became my escape place too, Fidel's has a special place in my heart. It gives me peace every time we're there, we'll rest for a while when we are both tired. And I'm very happy that I met you there for the first time," that moment I saw tears coming from her eyes. "But I hate the fact that I met you on your last year, we could've been so great together, we could've made more memories," she looks at me as her tears flows on her face.

Its heartbreaking. Hindi ko inakala na ganito kasakit marinig ang mga salitang 'yon mula sa kaniya. Sa bawat ala-alang bumabalik, unti-unti akong dinudurog hanggang sa takasan ako ng lakas. Ni hindi ko na napigilan ang pagbuhos ng mga luha ko.

She took a deep breath before reading, "I hate that you didn't tell me about your sickness sooner, we could've do something about it, I could've helped you more, you could've a lot of time," she looked at me again for a seconds, I could feel her heart as she lay her eyes on me, she smiled as she speaks again. "Well, I like your eyes, your nose, your lips, especially your hair, your jacket, your smell, and your hair again, I'll surely gonna miss them."

She begin sobbing after that that made me hold her hands, for a second she stopped and looked at me. We let the cold air pass through our both faces while we're both crying. And after that, she took a deep breath and continued reading.

"That's why I hate it when you wears beanie, I can't see your blond hair, I love how it reflects to the sunlight, I will always remember you with that," she smiled a little. "I like that you love old music and old things, it reminds me of something from the past, and I'm scared that one day they'll remind me of you."

I wiped my tears and hold her hand after that, I looked at her before she continued reading. I let my tears flow again as she looked at me.

"I like it when you calls me Miss Aguirre, it feels good, it gives me butterfly, I feel like we had something from the two of us only, something we don't want to share from other people, something special that we would hold onto forever."

"Of course, Miss Aguirre." I whispered that made her cry even more.

I immediately wiped her tears as she speaks, "Mister Laurente," she smiled that made me smiled.

She holds my hand for a second as she looks straightly at me, I mouthed Is it done? that made her shook her head and continued reading.

She took a deep breath, "I like it when you look at me every time we're at Fidel's, it's the same way you look on the moon, the stars, and the sunset, I feel like I'm a piece of art that you want to keep."

"Well, you are indeed an art I want to keep, Renee." I smiled.

She smiled back and on her eyes flashed a million thoughts but she keeps reading, "To be honest, I hate that you're too innocent, too good, too pure to the point that I couldn't think of anything that I really hate about you, you're such a walking green flag and that's a red flag to me!" she chuckles that made me laugh.

"Wow, sorry." I said, laughing.

"Save you sorry!" she laughed too and took a deep breath as she continue. "I hate that you're always there for me when in fact you're the one who really need someone that will take care of you, someone who will give you more attention, someone who cares for you. Think of yourself sometimes, Fidel." she said straightly to me. "And I know I've already told you this, but I'm saying this again, I hate that I love you more than you think about it and knowing that I can't do anything with this hates you more."

She took a deep breath as I gave her a small smile, I slowly stroke her hand that made her smile.

"But I also like that we stayed like this, you're right, it's something more special than anything else, it gives me more butterflies, and I'll treasure it and will never forget about the things that we had," she smiled as she continued. "And this maybe contracting to what I've said earlier, but the last thing I like or I must say love about you is that you made me do this, I felt like you really trusted me, I'm beyond grateful to share our story to the world, I'm honored that you let me say these things to you, I felt your tinatangi."

"I'm more than grateful, too, Renee, you really made me happy."

"Lastly," she cut me off.

She took a deep breath and gave me a serious look than earlier, something that hits me straightly to my heart. She let her tears flow on her face as she speaks looking at my eyes.

"I hate that you're gone now, I hate that you really died, Fidel, I hate that you really left, I hate you, I hate you for that, I hate the universe, I hate that they took something so special from me, something that's already part of my life, someone that made me believe in love again, and someone who made me the happiest far from I could ever imagine. I hate that I'm reading this to you for the second time but this time you're not here to hear these words again."

Cold air. Silent night. Nothing, but emptiness yet I could feel a whole overflowing emotions. It feels like someone throws a bomb to us and we don't know how to react. I feel numb, inside and outside. I couldn't move but I feel my own tears flowing on my face as I look at her. She's just like me, crying, but I don't know if she feels the same way insider her heart. A long silence. I could hear my own heartbeat. Silence. Little sobs. It feels weird. It feels like someone died already.

I gulped as I looked at her. Our eyes met. Overflowing emotions are flowing on her tears, I could feel it. She slowly wiped her tears, but I didn't bother to wipe mine. In a beat, I heard her voice again that hits me to the bone.

"Aren't you gonna say anything?" she whispered. "Don't you like it?"

I was taken aback. I feel hypocrite. I told her to do this because I want to her anything she wants to say to me, but now that she's already done with it I honestly don't know what to say. Or maybe I do. I do know what to say, I just don't know where to start because millions of thoughts are flooding inside me. It's overwhelming. Suffocating, that feels like I'm running out of breathe. It scares me. Now that she's done with my favor, now that I've already heard the way she feels about me and everything, I feel like the next thing for me is to wait for it – for my death.

"I-If I'll be given a chance to live again, I will wholeheartedly going to look for you, no matter what happen, I will do my best to meet you again, Renee, you are as beautiful and rare as a blue moon, and words are not enough to describe how I feel about you and how grateful I am to have and to meet someone like you," I said under my breath. "And if miracles do happen, I'll stay by your side even if you get tired of me. But for now, knowing that I only have limited time, I promise to spend those remaining days with you and only you until the last moon we ever see together."

I took off the swing and pulled her up, I lay my eyes on her as she looks straightly at me. I slowly pulled her to me and rest her head on my chest as I hugged hear. The cold air passed through our bodies, we stayed like that for I couldn't remember how long, but good enough to feel her heart against me that gives me peace and warm. I wanted to dance with her again, but the body betrayed me, I felt a killing headache but I didn't let it show, I did my best to stay calm as possible and let her rest on me.

"Are you busy?"

"Not much, why?"

"I'm planning to go to the mall, I want to buy something, you free?"

"Hmmm, just finishing up the meeting, I'll get back you to in five."

"Oh, sorry."

"No worries. I'll meet you later."

"I'll meet you there."

"No. Let me drive, we're not gonna argue again, okay. I'll be there after this."

"Fine, fine. Take your time, no need to rush."

I put back the phone on my pocket when she ended the call. I looked back at Kuya Rico who's driving me. We just went to Doc Santos for my consultation. As the first week of November approached, d'on mas napadalas ang pagsakit ng ulo ko. I'm back on waking up early in the morning because of headaches and sometimes because I need to vomit.

Nang makabalik kami sa shop, wala akong nagawa kung hindi ang maupo lang sa dati kong office o matatawag ko pa rin na office ngayon dahil hindi pa rin magawang pakialaman nina Kuya Rico 'yon. I keep on insisting on helping them, pero nauuwi lang din sa pagpapatigil nila sa akin para magpahinga, madalas din kasi akong matigilan dahil sa pagsirko ng paningin. At sa gitna ng pagpapahinga ko d'on nabuo ang ideya sa isipan ko dahilan para ayain ko si Renee sa plano.

Almost an hour later dumating si Renee, may dala pa siyang late lunch para sa amin nina Kuya Rico, kaya nagawa pa naming kumain bago tuluyang umalis.

"To be honest, I'm impressed that you're going to buy new things," I heard Renee said as we arrived on the mall.

"Well, mahirap naman bumili ng nagamit na sa bibilihin ko ngayon," paliwanag ko pa.

"Ano ba 'yon?"

I slowly looked at her as we arrived at the familiar boutique, "I'm planning to buy the clothes I'm gonna wear on my funeral." sambit ko kasunod ang patuloy na pagpasok sa boutique.

"What? Are you serious?" gulat na tanong niya habang abala na ako sa pamimili ng mga barong.

"Yes, no more questions, please," patapos na sabi ko ngunit mabilis din akong bumaling sa kaniya. "If you want, we can buy your clothes, too, para naman makita ko ang isusuot mo while reading that eulogy."

"This is insane, Fidel, minsan matuto ka rin mag-warning, please, or kahit paabiso lang?!" mahinahon ngunit mapagmataas na sambit niya.

Malamlam ko siyang tinapunan ng tingin, "Sad to say, death won't give us a warning when it's already around the corner, so, I gotta do this," mahinahong sambit ko. "How about this, tingin mo gwapo ako dito?" tanong ko sa kaniya matapos ay hinarap ang napiling barong, pinatong ko iyon sa katawan ko at marahan pang pumikit.

"Of course, you're gonna close your eyes," she said, sarcastically. "Don't you wanna wear your favorite jacket?"

"Hmmm, good point," I said. "But I want to look formal on that day, gusto ko rin mag-barong para kahit papaano ma-feel ko na para akong ikakasal."

Mabilis siyang natigilan dahil sa sinabi ko, maging ako'y hindi ko inasahan na lalabas 'yon mula sa akin. Marahan akong napalunok matapos ay naglakas loob na magpaalam na isusukat ang napiling barong.

It's a Barong Tagalog, simple pero maganda ang details, it's actually could fit to anyone on my age or someone older than me with same body built. I showed it to Renee, pero halos hindi niya ako magawang tingnan ng diretso dahilan para matagal pa bago ako makapagdesisyon na 'yon na ang bilihin.

I also bought pants, inner shirt, and pair of socks. After that we moved to another boutique to buy Renee's clothes, pero mukha wala siyang plano bumili ngayon. Matamlay ang mga mata niya at palagi niyang inaayawan ang pinipili kong dress for her. Sabi niya hindi raw bagay sa kaniya o kesyo mukhang luma ang design at meron na raw siya sa bahay. Sa huli hindi na ako nagpumilit na bumili siya, I understand her, mukhang masyado na akong maraming hinihingi sa kaniya kaya hinay lang muna.

"I'm planning to get a tattoo," I said to her while we're walking.

"Are these ideas all spontaneous or you've already planned this long ago?" tanong niya.

"Both, maybe?" nakangiting sambit ko. "Matagal ko ng plano, pero hindi ko inakalang ngayon ko gagawin, you know limited time." paliwanag ko.

"So, you're really going to get a tattoo today, like now-now?"

"Yup, now-now," sambit ko. "Samahan mo 'ko?"

Natigilan pa siya bago tuluyang sumagot, "Of course, mapano ka pa," sambit niya. "But wait, isn't this bawal? Baka kung ano mangyari sa 'yo."

"Renee," seryoso ko siyang tinapunan ng tingin. "I'm dying, hindi pa ba sapat 'yon para gawin ko ang gusto ko?" sambit ko dahilan para pareho kaming matigilan. "And I actually talked to the artist already, we had an agreement, he's an old classmates. No need to worry."

Marahang naangat ang tingin niya sa akin, sandali pang napailing, nagsusumigaw na may gusto siyang sabihin ngunit malalim na buntong hininga lang ang pinakawalan niya.

"Gusto ko rin." direstong sambit niya.

"Seryoso ka?" gulat na tanong ko.

"Yes."

"Really?" hindi pa rin ako makapaniwala. "Anong ipapa-tattoo mo."

"I don't know, give me suggestions," mabilis na sabi niya.

Tipid akong nangiti, "Well, I'm planning to get a sunset tattoo, hmmm... for you maybe something that symbolizes you..."

"Sunrise, I want to get a sunrise tattoo," diretsong sambit niya dahilan para mabaling ang tingin ko sa kaniya.

Marahan muli akong nangiti. And next thing I knew we're already at the tattoo place. Mabilis kong binigay ang naisip na design kay JR, my old classmate and our tattoo artist. Ako ang naunang sumalang at sa bawat paglapat ng karayom sa balat ko siyang pagtapon ko ng tingin kay Renee, tipid akong napapangiti sa kaniya habang kitang-kita ko ang bumabalot na pag-aalala sa kaniya.

Halos isang oras ang lumipas bago ako tuluyang matapos. Nang si Renee na ang sumalang, marahan kong hinawakan at hinaplos ang kanang kamay niya, habang ang kaliwang wrist niya ang siyang tinatatuan ni JR. Mariin napapapikit si Renee sa bawat paglapat ng karayom dahilan para walang tigil kong haplusin ang kamay niya. Sa pagtagal tuluyang natapos ang pag-tattoo sa kaniya dahilan para makahinga siya ng maluwag.

"Well, that was really painful," Renee said under her breath and small laugh.

"It sure did," nakangiting pangsang-ayon ko naman.

"But worth the pain," nakangiting sambit niya nang harapin ang maliit na tattoo.

We decided to put our tattoos on our wrist. Sa kaliwa sa kaniya habang ang akin ay sa kanan. It's a small tattoo but good enough to see the detailed designs. It's not the usual sunset and sunrise design. I decided to make the flowers as the sun. Mine's daffodil-sun-like setting, while Renee's sunflower-sun-like rising. It's really cute and I'm beyond happy for it.

A few moments later, binulabog kami ng tawag sa cellphone ni Renee. Mabilis na gumala ang takot sa mukha niya sa pagsagot ng tawag dahilan para matigilan ako't maramdam ng kakaibang kaba. Sa pagtagal na pagkatigil ni Renee siyang pagkawala ko sa reyalidad, hanggang isang sandali ang lumipas nang tuluyang siyang makapagsalita.

"Fidel..." walang lakas na sambit niya sa akin. "Ang Papa mo..."

Tuluyang bumagsak ang katawan ko nang takasan ako ng lakas dahil sa sinabi ni Renee. Sa bilis ng pangyayari namalayan ko na lang na tumatakbo na kami ni Renee patungo ng sasakyan niya. Wala sa sarili akong sumusunod sa kaniya habang ang mga luha ko'y walang pasabing dumadaloy, ni hindi ko malaman ang dahilan ng takot na nararamdaman ko, ngunit iyon na lang ang naging reaksyon ng buong katawan ko.

Sa pagsakay namin ng sasakyan at pagsisimulang magbyahe, biningi ako ng halo-halong ideya, ni hindi mo pa tuluyang nalalaman ang kabuang nangyari ngunit sa bawat kalsadang nilalampasan namin unti-unting siyang sumasagi sa isipan ko.

Inalala ko ang huling araw na nagkita at nagkausap kami. Sa rooftop, sinabi ko na hayaan niyang magalit ako sa kaniya. Lumipas ang ilang araw ng hindi pa kami muling nagkikita kaya naman ngayon halos madurog ang puso ko sa hindi malamang dahilan.

Walang pasabing sumagi sa isipan ko ang mga paalala ni Mama sa akin tungkol sa kaniya. May kalayaan kang magalit sa kaniya, pero matuto kang magpatawad. Ano bang nangyayari. Sigurado ako hindi niya ginusto na iwanan tayo. Maging si Renee ay halos takasan din ng reyalidad. Kahit anong mangyari Tatay mo pa rin siya, nagkamali man siya, pero siguradong nagsisisi siya. At nang mga sandaling makarating kami sa hospital tuluyan nang nandilim ang paligid ko sa balitang natanggap.

"I'm sorry, Fidel, but we tried our best to save your father, it's been 5 years since he's fighting for this, but his body couldn't handle the cancer anymore, we are deeply sorry for you loss, Fidel, don't hesitate to come to us if you need anything else. We are sorry, Fidel."

"I'm sorry, Fidel, we tried everything – everything to save your mother, but it's too much for her to handle, these past few days her body is got worst and worst, and unfortunately, she couldn't handle it anymore. We are sorry for your loss, Fidel, we know how much you love your mother; we also had a great connection with her, and word couldn't explain how sorry we are for you. If you need anything, just come to us, we are here for you. We are sorry, Fidel, please accept our deepest condolences."

I have never been afraid of dying. When I found out I'm going to die, I accepted it because that's nothing but a fact. We are all going to die, no matter what happens, even how much you prayed for it, we are all going die. It's inevitable, an unfortunate yet fair thing that will happen to anyone. It's just a matter of how and when it's coming for us, so, even if we don't want it and it scares us, we must accept the fact that we are all going to die.

When I heard the news about him, I couldn't remember anything but weakness and darkness. Alam kong nawalan ako ng malay dahil sa bigat na sumalubong sa akin. Pamilyar na kwarto ang nasilayan ko sa paggising ko. Bumungad sa akin sina Kuya Rico, Ate Baby, at syempre si Renee. Walang lakas ko silang hinarap habang pilit ang tipid na ngiti nila sa akin.

"How long was I'm sleeping?"

"Almost a day," Renee said.

Mabilis na gumala ang gulat sa buong katawan ko bago pa ako tuluyang magkaroon ng lakas na muling makapagsalita.

"Where is he?" masakit sa lalamunang tanong ko.

Marahan pang nagtinginan sina Renee bago makasagot sa akin. Inalalayan ako ni Renee nang sabihin niyang sasamahan niya ako. Pakiramdam ko'y lumulutang ako sa bawat paghakbang ko patungo ng morgue. At nang tuluyan ko siyang makaharap d'on na muli ako tinakasan ng lakas.

Walang pasabing nag-unahan ang mga luha ko sa paglabas habang napapako ang tingin ko sa kaniya. Sa pagtagal ay bumabalik ang ala-ala ko kay Mama. Kung paano siya payapang nakapikit ay gan'on din siya. Ngunit pansin ko ang madilim na imahe sa mukha niya. At sa mga sandaling 'yon pakiramdam ko'y may sumabog na bomba sa harapan ko.

"Pa..." I mutters under my breath. "Pa, p-pinapatawad na kita, Pa..." walang lakas na sambit ko. "Salamat sa pagmamahal, salamat sa pagmamahal mo kay Mama, sa 'min. Pa, paalam."

Death shouldn't scares us. It will happen to anyone, so, why are we even scared of it? Well, maybe because there are still a lot of things that we want to do before it even happens. Yes, it's not our choice to be here, but we couldn't do anything about it. Don't ever think of ending your own life, that's not the solution for it, it'll never be. Since we're all already here, maybe it's time for us to live our life. Enjoy every bit of it, it doesn't matter how small or big it is, what matters is that you're doing what you love without hurting other people.

Make mistakes and learn from it. Failures are normal. Everything will come and go. Do the things that will make you happy. Travel the world if you can. Draw that idea you have in mind. Dance in the public. Sing even if you don't have a good voice. Say sorry to someone you hurt. Make a lot of friends. Eat your favorite food until you get tired of it. Confess your feelings to someone special. Seize the day. Scream your lungs out on New Year's. Make your life an extraordinary one, because when the time comes, you'll surely going to look back to happiest moments of your life and that what matters now, that even before the inevitable happens, at least you got to do whatever it is that will make you happy without causing pain. Death shouldn't scares us, it's not doing what we want before our death that should scares us.

"Wow, it suits him really well." I said as I look down at him.

I gave him my gold casket, the Barong Tagalog and everything else. I know he deserves those things. It's been almost a week since Papa died and I still couldn't believe on everything that's happening. To say time really flies so fast is so cliché yet it's be the best thing that I could describe on what's happening now. Especially knowing the fact that today is Papa's last day here.

As his casket goes down I couldn't help myself but to cry as hard as I can. I cry for loss, regrets, weakness, her death, and now his, and for my own self. And it made me cry more now that I think about it, I looked down on their tomb, they're finally back together again. After years of waiting, he's finally back to meet her, and I know she's floating on a cloud nine now that they're on each other side again.

Well, I must admit it, maybe I am scared of it. Call me a hypocrite. But maybe the reason why I'm scared of it is knowing that I won't ever gonna see the people around me again and vice versa. But now that I'm thinking about it, I realized that I must stick to my principle, as long as I am here, I must spend every bit of it with the people I love, and ready myself for the last chapter of my story.

I'm still standing on my answer, I will surely going to read a book even though I know the protagonist is going to die. Maybe that could be my first step of accepting the inevitable climax of my own story. I'll keep on reading it until the very last words, maybe to feel the pain, because that's what we need to wake up. Perhaps that's why when you think that you're dreaming you immediately hurt yourself to wake up, we need something that will hit us the realization. And it could be that book, a compilation of random words built by imagination that mirrors reality.

And that's when it hits me. That moment it became clear to me, as clear as the fireworks every night of the last day of the year.

As I look to my half-naked self in the mirror I couldn't help but to notice my overflowing bruises, my blond hair, the light that reflects to the mirror, the end of it. And just like how the fireworks light up the dark sky on New Year's Day, four things light up and flashed through my eyes – leaving my tinatangi, her death, his death, and the last chapter of my story, my death.