Chapter 25

Fidel

Him

As I lay my eyes on the heavy traffic I couldn't think of anything but nothing. Complete darkness. And this feeling brings me back to those days before I even found out that I'm sick, before I saw him again, and after her death. This feeling inside me right now is the same thing I've felt before I even met her on that place.

It brings me back to a normal day, on how I spent my day before anything happens. I usually wakes up at 7 AM, I'll ready myself for work and will head to the shop just like the other days. I'll genuinely smile at them, assist them and give them the flowers they want. It feels nothing but calmness.

On a normal day, when there's no customer I'll just sit on the corner and will draw random things but will lead me to cats and dogs. And that's what I'm doing right now, I feel like it's been so long since I did this. Back then I used to feel at peace every time I'm drawing these things but this time it's somehow emotional, heartbreaking. It just reminds me of the fact how miserable I am to do something like this, to rest my mind for a while even though I know how chaotic my world is right now.

My hobbies didn't help me to escape this darkness. Good thing I saw some stray cats. I spent a couple of hours playing with them. I stroke their fur, play with their paws, talk to them, look at their eyes, feel them, and in one moment I just saw myself crying while looking at them. The way they looks at me feels comforting yet heartbreaking at the same time. I could feel how sorry they are for me, that's one of the best things I love about them, they take away your pain, but for some reason I couldn't give it to them now as much I wanted to.

I decided to go to the nearest park, some kids are playing. I look at them quietly as they laugh with freedom and joy. I could feel nothing but jealousy, not in a bad way. And there's no need to explain it because I know you know exactly how I feel. Before I even left that park, a stray dog approached me, he's one of the sweetest stray dogs I've ever met, and for some reason he took something from me that the cats failed to get. I don't know what it was, but it was freeing. It was freeing for a moment because when I got back to my car a familiar darkness wrapped my whole soul.

I need a breather. A good one. One thing that could take this away from me for at least a moment. That's when I decided to go to the cemetery, to meet her. As I walk towards her, I could feel my heart breaking into pieces. Until now I still couldn't believe on those things, it feels like a dream and it's not obviously a good one. A nightmare. A dream I wouldn't want to see again. But worst it's happening to me in reality, in real life, and there's no other way to face it but to accept the fact that it's happening.

"I hope I could talk to you now," I said to her as I lay my eyes on grass.

I took a deep breath, "I hope you could tell me why you did that," I mutters. "For my own sake? That's selfish. Or maybe you did that so I wouldn't get mad at him more than how I already feel?"

I smiled bitterly, I could almost taste it. "That's the reason, right? That was exactly your reason."

Nang mga sandaling 'yon naramdaman ko ang tuluyang pagkawala ng lakas ko habang patuloy ang pagdaloy ng halo-halong ideya sa isipan ko. It was overwhelming and I almost drown by it. At halos malunod na rin ako sa sarili kong mga luha.

"Alam mo, Ma, naiintindihan kita," pagpapatuloy ko sa gitna ng pag-iyak. "At nakakainis na naiintindihan kita dahil ang sakit tanggapin na sinasampal ako ng katotohanan," dagdag ko pa. "Ang daya-daya lang, ang daya-daya."

I honestly couldn't remember how many times my heart breaks ever since this year came. I remember preparing myself for something worse this year, but I couldn't remember preparing for something like this. All of these are way too over my expectations and it's killing me. It's killing me in any possible way you could ever think of.

A moment later I moved to Daryl's, I spent almost an hour on his place before I went back to a circle of lifeless reality. I drove to the hospital, not because I'm not feeling well, but because I want to speak with me. I think the only way to ease this pain is to talk to him. Maybe he is the breather I needed, and by telling him how I feel is the only way to bring me back to the normal life I want, not like this, lifeless normal day.

But I was wrong. At first, I managed to look at him, to tell him if it's okay if I take him to the rooftop. To get some air, to feel the sunlight, to have something to look at. But when we got there, I froze, my mind went black,we were in silence, deep ominous silence that's taking my breath away from me and making me hard to stay by his side.

"Have you already heard the news?" I said to him.

He's sitting on a wheelchair, on my right side, while I was standing and looking at nowhere in front of me.

"What news?" he asked.

"That Mama died not because of this freaking cancer," I mutters, no emotion.

"What do you mean?" I could feel he's looking at me.

"Well, what I mean is she didn't die because of cancer," I slowly looked at him. "She died because of a broken heart syndrome." I added and almost choked on a bitter smile.

Katulad ng inaasahan, mabilis na gumala sa mukha niya ang matinding pagtataka at gulat.

"Anong ibig mong sabihin?" muling paglilinaw siya.

Bahagya pa akong natawa, it hurts my throat. "She because of you, that's what I meant," diretsong sambit ko. "Ang naramdaman niyang lungkot, pangungulila, at pag-alala sa 'yo ang naging dahilan para unti-unti siyang mawalan ng lakas at buhay, ayon ang ibig kong sabihin." mariing sambit ko sa kaniya kasunod ang pagtakas ng mga luha ko.

"FJ, hindi kita maintindihan."

"Pwes, hindi ko na kasalanan 'yon!" mabilis na sambit ko. "Hindi ko na kasalanan kung hindi mo maintindihan na ikaw mismo at hindi ang sakit na akala nati'y mayroon siya ang pumatay sa kaniya! Dahil ikaw! Ikaw mismo ang pumatay sa kaniya." ramdam ko ang bigat ng puso ko sa bawat salitang binatawan ko.

Ngunit wala akong pinagsisihan.

"Napakadaya niyo! Napakadaya mo. Napakadaya niya," umiiyak na sambit ko. "At nakagagalit na wala akong nagawa para hindi siya malungkot ng sobra, nakagagalit, dahil wala akong nagawa, wala akong nagawa!" dagdag ko pa. "Walang akong kwenta, ni hindi ko man lang siya natutulungan!"

My visions became blurry because of my tears, I wiped it as fast as I could and looked at him when I heard his voice.

"FJ, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, anak," umiiyak na ring sambit niya dahilan para mariin akong mapapikit. "Patawarin mo ako, FJ, alam kong nagkamali ako kaya humihingi ako ng tawad, anak, FJ, I'm sorry." halos habulin na rin niya ang paghinga sa gitna ng pagsasalita.

"Save your sorry, no one needs it now," mabilis na sambit ko. "That sorry won't bring her back."

Sandali kaming natahimik at tanging paghikbi lang ang naririnig, halos kapusin ako ng paghinga dahil sa iyak na nararamdaman.

"Hayaan mo na lang muna akong magalit sa 'yo." Hayaan mo na lang muna akong magaling sa sarili ko. "I want to scream at you, but I don't want to waste my energy because I know that wouldn't bring her back, too," Gusto kong sigawan ang sarili ko dahil sa galit na nararamdaman ko, wala akong nagawa. "Kaya hayaan mo na lang ako, hayaan mo na lang akong magalit sa 'yo." At magalit sa sarili ko dahil hindi ko man lang siyang nailigtas sa kalungkutan niya.

"Naiintindihan kita, FJ, pero sana malaman mo na hangga't nandito ako o wala na, patuloy akong magsisisi at hihingi ng kapatawaran sa ginawa ko sa kaniya at sa 'yo." mahinahong sambit niya dahilan para sandali akong matigilan.

I took a deep breath as I wiped my tears and looked back at him.

"Siguro sa pagkakataong ito mapapatawad kita," Ng sa gayon ay patawad ko rin ang sarili ko. "But I don't think that will happen anytime soon, I don't know when but I know I won't happen overnight." Ibig sabihin n'on, matagal ko pa ring kikimkimin ang galit sa sarili ko.

After that conversation, I took him back on his room and never look back as I leave the place. I drove back to the shop, that moment naisipan kong ituloy na ang matagal ko nang pinaplanong gawin. It's somehow part of the things I want to do before I leave this place.

"Anong ibig sabihin nito, Fidel?"

Inasahan ko na ang gulat na salubong sa akin ni Kuya Rico at Ate Baby nang iharap ko sa kanila ang mga papeles na matagal ko ng pinagtatrabahuhan.

"Well, Kuya Rico, for the third time," tipid akong nangiti para magpatuloy. "These papers prove that you and Ate Baby are the new owner of Flora For You and everything connected to it." nakangiting sambit ko pa at sa pangatlong pagkakataon muling gumala ang gulat sa mga mukha nila.

"Hindi ko matatanggap 'to, Sir, sa inyo po itong Flora For You, pamana 'to sa 'yo ng Mama mo, Sir," mahinahong sambit ni Ate Baby.

"I know that, Ate Baby," nakangiting sambit ko pa. "At alam naman po natin na hindi na ako magtatagal dito," dagdag ko dahilan para magbago ang ihip ng hangin sa loob ng shop. "Kaya habang maaga pa gusto kong ibigay na ito sa inyo dahil alam kong kapag nawala na ako maaalagaan niyo ito ng mabuti."

"Fidel, masyado naman yatang negative ang naiisip mo, mahaba pa ang oras mo," sabi pa ni Kuya Rico.

Tipid akong nangiti, "Kuya Rico, matagal ko na pong natanggap ang kapalaran ko ngayong taon," diretsong sambit ko pa. "At kabilang na po d'on ang pagbibigay ko sa inyo nitong shop, kaya sana tanggapin niyo po ito," dagdag ko pa. "Kasama na po namin kayo ni Mama magmula ng magbukas ito at siguradong matutuwa siya kapag nalaman niyang sa inyo ko ito iiwan."

Sandali kaming natahimik. Nakita ko ang mabilis na pagpalis ni Ate Baby sa luha niya, habang si Kuya Rico ay diretso ang tingin sa akin habang naguunahang dumaloy ang mga luha sa mukha niya. Sa puntong iyon tuluyan na rin akong tinakasan ng lakas, hanggang sa mabilis akong salubungin ng yakap ni Kuya Rico.

"Fidel, mamimiss kita ng sobra," patuloy pa rin ang pag-iyak niya. "Sana alam mo na anak na ang turing ko sa 'yo, kaya siguradong namimiss kita ng sobra." dagdag pa niya dahilan para patuloy na rin dumaloy ang mga luha ko.

Ilang sandali pa naramdaman ko na rin ang pagyakap ni Ate Baby, mahinahon niyang ibinulong sa akin na huwag akong mawalan ng pag-asa, tipid lang akong nangiti sa kaniya at muling kinulong sa mga bisig ko. And at the moment, I felt like I'm already saying goodbye to them, to Kuya Rico and Ate Baby, my second family.

Next thing I knew the rain's pouring so hard. It's a new day. A new day where I shut myself off from any connection I have and went to a new place. Not in a usual place I'm always in, not in Fidel's, not in a cemetery, not in our shop, but anywhere away from home.

I wanted to feel a different air for a while and don't think about her. Renee. But my mind's betraying me, because the more I wanted to take her away from my mind the more it's swimming back to my whole body.

"Do you believe in reincarnation?" I remembered asking her.

"Really? We're going to have that conversation?" she chuckles as she took a sip on her coffee.

"Okay, let's just keep in simple, just answer it with a yes or no," I said. "Do you believe in reincarnation?"

"Well, hmmm, sadly, no." she said. "But – okay – but if you'll ask me if I want to experience something for the second time, I could say yes, well, I know that's different from reincarnation, but that's what I'm thinking now."

"Oh, yeah, why?"

She took a deep breath then looked at me. "I really hate the fact that we only have limited time, so, I'm thinking at if I'll be given a chance to experience something again, let's say this, this thing that we have, I would want to do it all over again." she said. "The happy moments, the hurt, the pain, overflowing emotions, peace, home, everything... I'd take that chance so I'd get to feel this special moment one last time."

In one moment, I was back at the unfamiliar place, but as the rain pours hard the loud I hear her voice again.

"Can you promise me one thing, Fidel?"

I slowly looked at her, "Anything."

"Promise me you'll say goodbye when the time comes," she said as the tears fall from her eyes. "Promise me you won't leave without saying goodbye, okay?"

I tried to smile even though I felt my heart aches, so, this is how it feels like when I'm saying things like this to her.

"Promise." I said, smiling.

She smiled for a second then looked back at the view. "It hurts a million times to think that what we have will one day come to an end," I heard her say. "Those precious memories, shared moments, and heartwarming days. It feels heaven but I hate to think that this is also the greatest pain, when I realized that the person I made those memories with, will eventually become a memory themselves."

I continued moving, then I found out I'm finally on my way home, yet I could still hear her voice as the rain continues to pour and feels like anytime would drown me.

"I love how you compare our relationship to a book," she said. "But I must say, when the time comes and I heard you last goodbye, I'll keep remembering the story we had. Your chapter maybe over, but I will forever keep on reading it, hoping for different ending, the one ends with happily ever after and not a heartbreaking goodbyes."

I couldn't speak, she puts too much words on my heart to the point I could feel like it's going to burst anytime.

I heard her chuckles, "Funny how our path crosses, then finding out we're near to dead end," she said. "Maybe that's the universe way of telling they're scare for us to be together forever, because they knew how strong and powerful we could be together," she added, laughing a little. "We will surpass Romeo & Juliet, Jack & Rose, Psyche & Eros, Darcy & Lizzie and any other love stories."

The sun shines with her eyes.

"And I will make sure the world will know about us, about you and me, Fidel & Renee."

In one snap, as I stand under the pouring rain holding an umbrella, I saw her a few meters away. Our eyes met and our memories flashed to my mind. I rest my eyes on her, wanting to give her warm, comfort, home, and peace. Yet I must've gave her something I didn't think I would ever have the strength to give her, a look of longing, weakness, loneliness, lifeless, and a look of saying goodbye.