Chapter 23

Fidel

The Other Truth

When I told you I can already feel it, I meant it. Ever since the day I went back to the hospital, I felt like my death flash into my mind. Nakapanghihina. I feel like anytime soon I'll leave this place within a snap, without even saying goodbye to people that are important to me and especially to her.

Kaya naman kahit mahirap pinili kong tatagan ang loob ko sa pagtanggap na malapit ng matapos ang lahat. And even though it hurts a million times to ask something I like that from Renee, I did, dahil ayokong mahuli ang lahat, ayokong iwanan siya ng hindi ko man lang naririnig ang boses niya.

"Sir, bawal po magsulat sa table."

Nalingon ako sa nagsalita mula sa likuran, it's Renee. Napangiti naman ako sa kaniya nang maupo siya sa tabihan ko. We're back at the coffee shop, matagal na rin magmula ng makahinga kami ng ganito.

A lot of things happened these past few days at hindi pa rin ako nasasanay sa kaliwa't kanang nangyayari, especially that my Mama's husband is back. And now, it's a good thing Renee and I are doing something like this again before I became super busy, perhaps waiting for death or on my shop. It's the last Monday of October, that's why I'm expecting to a lot of orders.

"Oh, serendipity," I heard her read what I wrote on the table. "Finding something good without looking for it, right?" she smiled as she said that.

"Right," nakangiting sambit ko rin. "Well, how are you, Miss Aguirre?"

She quickly sipped on her coffee before looking at me. "That's too broad, care to be specific?"

Tipid akong nangiti, "Hmmm, let's start with your work, how's the second branch going?"

"Well, I must say it's not a piece of cake, mabuti na lang tinutulungan ako ni Dad mag-handle, apparently, I will be managing that myself once it's done." paliwanag niya dahilan para maangat ang tingin ko.

"Wow, that sounds great, well, I'm happy for you," nakangiting sambit ko. "Sana lang maabutan ko 'yon."

Nakita ko ang pagtigil niya ng tingin sa akin dahilan para mapako rin ang tingin ko sa kaniya. Ilang sandali pa ang lumipas bago ako muling nakapagsalita.

"Speaking of kumusta, how's your eulogy for me so far?" tanong ko dahilan para makurap si Renee, marahil ay mas lalong nagulat.

Not a good segue, Fidel.

I saw her slowly took a deep breath, "Uh, well, it's a real challenge for me," she said. "I don't know where to start, I want to say a lot of things but I don't know how to put it into words," she added. "But I'll do my best, don't worry."

Tipid pa siyang nangiti dahilan para mangiti rin ako. Sandali kaming nainom matapos ay muli kong narinig ang boses niya.

"Maybe I'll start writing about your hair – your blond buzz cut hair," tipid pa siyang nangit. "Good thing you're not wearing your beanie now, I kinda missed your hair."

Mabilis naman akong nakaramdam ng hiya habang hinahaplos ang buhok, "Well, thanks," nakangiting sambit ko bago pa bumalik ang tingin ko sa kaniya. "I could say I'm excited to hear your eulogy," dagdag ko pa.

"Oh---" she said but she suddenly stopped.

"What?" tanong ko sa kaniya ngunit tila ba natulala lang siya sa akin.

I felt something weird with the way she looked at me. Mabilis pa siyang nailing ng mabalik sa reyalidad, tipid din siyang nangiti. But I could feel something's wrong with her, I know that unusual look at but I can't remember where I saw it.

Unfortunately, I didn't get the chance to ask her about it. Kinailangan niya bumalik sa restaurant nila kaya naman bumalik na rin ako sa shop. I spent the whole afternoon helping Kuya Rico and Ate Baby. As expected we got a lot of reservations for the following days. Moments later, the sun has finally set and fortunately I'm still doing okay.

"What's up?" I asked to Renee as I answered her call.

"You busy?" she asked.

"I'm actually on my way home."

"That doesn't sound like you after a long day," I heard her chuckles. "Well, you do need a rest, but..." she paused for a while. "But if you're doing fine I'm suggesting Fidel's."

I immediately smiled when I heard her said that, "Well, I won't say no to that."

"Great, wait for me there, I'm on my way."

Laking gulat ko naman sa sinabi niya, "What, you're driving?!"

"It was red light, and now I need to go, bye, see yah!"

Hindi ko na nagawang sumagot dahil kaagad niyang binaba ang tawag. Napasapo pa ako sa noo ko dahil sa nangyari. Humugot na lang ako ng malamim na hininga at naghintay sa pagdating niya. Moments later, I saw her car.

"Hop in, I don't have time to argue with who's going to drive," salubong niya sa akin dahilan para matawa na lang ako.

Nang makapwesto ako sa shotgun seat she continued driving. Malaya kaming pinasok ng malamig na simoy ng hangin sa gitna ng byahe. We stopped for a while to buy some coffee, and half an hour later we're finally back at Fidel's.

"God, na-miss ko 'to," marahan kong pinikit ang mga mata ko.

"Same here, I feel like it's been a while." narinig ko pang sambit ni Renee dahilan para mabaling ang tingin ko sa kaniya.

Tipid akong nangiti sa kaniya at gan'on din siya sa akin. Kasunod n'on ang payapang katahimikan. We let the cold air pass through our faces, it smells so good, the coffee and the Christmas breeze. Marahan akong napayakap sa sarili ko, I slowly took a deep breath hanggang sa dumako ang tingin ko sa kalangitan.

The moon is present tonight but there are no stars. As I look at the moon I couldn't help but to think about him. I wonder what he's doing right now. Nakakapanibago na iniisip ko siya ngayon, kahit pilit kong hindi pansinin kusang naglalakbay sa isip ko. He's really back and I don't know how to face it, I'll just let myself get used to it.

"Baka malunod ka," narinig kong sambit ni Renee dahilan para nakangiti akong bumaling sa kaniya.

"Look at the moon," sambit ko sa kaniya.

"I am looking," mabilis na bumaling ang tingin niya sa itaas.

"You know what... it reminds me of that night," mahinahong sambit ko pa habang parehong nakatuon ang atensyon namin sa itaas.

"What do you mean?" I heard her asked.

"That night when I didn't kiss you back," I said as I looked back at him.

I froze for a second when I saw her looking at me, too.

"You mean when I kissed you?" bahagya pa siyang natawa.

Tipid akong nangiti matapos ay muli kong narinig ang boses niya.

"What about it?"

"Well," I took a short breath. "When I told you I'm sorry I didn't kiss you back, I meant it," sandaling napako ang tingin ko sa kaniya. "That moment I felt that I should've kiss you, tell you I didn't know I've been looking for it. I should've hold you closely, feel your lips deeper, and look straightly in your eyes as I gasped for breath."

"But?" she immediately said as if she knows that is where it's going.

"But," I paused for a while. "But I realized something," I looked back at her. "I realized that what we have is something I'm more than okay with. I know you're special to me, Renee, you have special part inside me, and I realized I want to keep it that way until my last day."

I tried to read her reaction, pero wala akong makuha mula sa kaniya. Tahimik lang siyang nakatingin sa akin dahilan para magpatuloy ako.

"I realized this is the type of love that I want to have until that day, something more meaningful than any other labels. I know this is something more deeper and soft than just kisses," diretsong sambit ko sa kaniya. "I'm beyond happy every time I hear your voice, every time we exchanges good mornings and good nights. Now, I could say I don't care if we didn't kiss or have anything more than that, because deep inside me I know this is something exclusive yet freeing at the same time." marahan akong humugot ng paghinga. "And I know it's more than anything you could ever think of, it's the two of us, I could feel it, and this is something I will treasure until the very last day."

"Paano naman ako, Fidel?"

I froze as I heard her asked that. I didn't expect her to say that, I didn't even see it coming, or did I? Marahil ay inasahan ko 'yon pero binalewala ko lang, dahil naging makasarili ako? That was so selfish of me and I feel so bad for her. And that question hits me so hard.

"Renee..."

"Paano naman ako, Fidel? Paano ang nararamdaman ko?" malalim siyang humugot ng paghinga. "I'm with you when you told me to accept your fate and I will always be. Kaya binalewala ko 'yung magulong nararamdaman ko sa 'yo, and now you'll tell me this?" mabilis niyang pinalis ang kumawalng luha dahilan para maalarma ako. "Ang daya naman yata n'on, Fidel."

Diretso ko siyang tinapunan ng tingin, "I'm sorry, Renee, I didn't mean for you to feel that way, I'm sorry," mabilis pang sabi ko. "It just that I think the more we put ourselves in a situation that surely won't last long the more pain it will cost you and I don't you to feel that way," marahan pa akong nalunok. "You don't deserve that kind of love, Renee, you deserve something that will last for a long time, and I'm sorry but I can't give you that."

Mabilis pa siyang nasinghap bago ako diretsong harapin, "Can we just try? Wala naman tayong kasiguraduhan kung kailan matatapos ang lahat, hindi ba p'wedeng ibigay naman natin 'to para sa sarili natin?" nakita ko ang pagdaloy ng mga luha niya. "Bahala na sa mga susunod na araw, let's focus on what we have now, Fidel, and when the time comes... don't worry, I will accept all the pain because I know it'll be worth it."

"Renee," mabilis at makahulugang tawag ko sa kaniya. "You know I can't let you do that, you've been through a lot of pain at hindi ko na kaya pang dagdagan 'yon."

"Nasasaktan na rin naman ako ngayon, Fidel, bakit hindi pa natin sulitin?" mabilis na sambit niya dahilan para matigilan ako.

Marahang napako ang tingin ko sa kaniya, patuloy pa rin ang pagdaloy ng mga luha niya dahilan para bawian na rin ako ng lakas. Sandali akong humugot ng paghinga. Mabilis kong pinalis ang mga luhang kumawala sa akin. Pakiramdam ko'y sinusuntok ako ng nakalulunod na tingin ni Renee, ni hinid ko magawang makagalaw muli.

That won't be right, Renee. That sounds beautiful, but that won't be right. I can't love you and know the fact that deep inside you're also hurting because of me. That's not the kind of love I want to give to you, Renee.

"Maybe," mahinahong sambit ko dahilan para mabasag ang katahimikan. "Maybe one day we'll meet again and by that time we could be whatever we want us to be, and maybe what we have now is something that feels so right yet it just happens that we're at the wrong time." I said as I wiped my tears. "We maybe in the same books, but we have different endings, Renee."

I saw a bitter-sweet smile from her, "I didn't know you believe on that kind of thing," she said. "Well, sorry, I believe that there's no such thing as right person at the wrong time... when you know he's the right one, everything will be right, too."

Marahan siyang humugot ng paghinga matapos ay malayang binaling ang paningin sa harapan. I saw her wiped her tears and I did, too. The cold breeze past through our faces. We stayed like that for a moment.

"Well, maybe you're right," I heard her say. "Maybe this is for the best, magiging okay rin ako dito, don't worry."

Sa sandaling 'yon mabilis na kumawala muli ang mga luha ko. Sa sandaling 'yon gusto kong saksakin ang sarili ko. Gusto kong maglaho dahil hindi ko kayang makitang nasasaktan siya. Pero mas pinili kong manatili sa tabihan niya katulad ng pananatili niya palagi sa tabihan ko.

Marahan kong hinaplos ang kaliwang kamay niya, sandaling bumaling ang tingin niya sa akin. Tipid kaming nangiti sa isa't isa. Nangungusap pa rin ang mga mata niya. Marahan akong napakagat sa ibabang labi ko habang diretso ang tingin sa kaniya. Ilang sandali pa ang lumipas nang muli kong narinig ang boses niya.

"Fidel," mahinahong sambit niya. "I want to give you something," dagdag niya dahilan para magbago ang ihip ng hangin sa itaas.

Mabilis akong humugot ng paghinga sa pag-agaw niya ng kamay niya sa akin.

"But I want you to know, I didn't mean to keep it from you again," diretsong tingin niya sa akin.

Hindi ko na nagawang magtanong pa sa kaniya, mabilis siyang bumaba mula sa trunk ng sasakyan niya. Sandali siyang pumasok ng sasakyan at sa paglabas niya may bitbit na siyang brown envelope at diretso muli ang tingin sa akin.

"I really hate myself to be the bearer of something like this, but you deserve to know whatever information inside this," mahinahong sambit niya kasunod ang pag-abot ng envelope sa akin.

Naguguluhan ko iying tinanggap sa pagbaba ko ng trunk, "What is this?"

"I-I don't know," mabilis niyang sambit. "But Kuya SM told me it's about you mother."

Mabilis akong napako mula sa kinatatayuan ko dahil sa sinabi niya. Kaagad akong binalot ng kaba sa sandaling pagbukas ko ng envelope. Para akong masusuka sa mga sandaling iyon, pakiramdam ko'y mabilis akong tatakasan ng lakas. Ngunit nariyan din ang ideyang wala akong dapat na ipag-alala dahil alam ko naman kung ano ang mayroon kay Mama.

"What is this?" nagtatakang tanong ko ng sumalubong sa akin ang makapal na papel. "This is Sebastian's case study."

Moment of Truth: Can Heartbreak Lead You to Death?

A Case Study Paper by Sebastian Miguel D. Aguirre

"Anong kinalaman nito kay Mama?" nagtataka pa ring tanong ko kay Renee.

"I honestly don't know," bakas din sa mukha niya ang pagtataka. "Kuya SM told me that you deserve to know the truth about your Mama's case."

"But this is about heartbreak, anong ibig sabihin nito?"

"Then read it, the papers won't speak for themselves." mabilis na utos niya dahilan para bumalik ang atensyon ko sa hawak ko.

Kaagad akong naghanap ng liwanag sa pagharap ko sa makapal na mga papel. Marahan ang naging paghinga ko sa pagbuklat ko sa mga pahina at nang sandaling humarap sa akin ang mga nakasulat, naramdaman ko ang mabilis na pagkawala ng lakas sa buong katawan ko dahilan para bumagsak ako sa malamig na lupa.

This paper is intended to study a certain group of people who are suffering from deep depression due to heartbreak and separation. The list of specific people will undergo through an in-depth consultation and focus-group-discussion.

Naramdaman ko ang mabilis na pagkatuyo ng kaluluman ko sa pagsisimulang magbasa at sa sandaling sumagi sa akin ang pamilya na impormasyon d'on na nagpatuloy ang pagkawala ng mga luha ko.

One of the patients who will undergo through a series of discussion is Mrs. Aurora Florentine S. Laurente of St. Evangelist General Hospital, under Doctor Alfonso Santos and Doctor Anastacia Cruz. Mrs. Laurente is suffering from an unexpected separation since 2007. She shows some of the symptoms of depression and heart syndrome.

I felt something inside me broke into pieces. Mabilis akong sinalubong ng matinding katahimikan. Pakiramdam ko'y wala ng lakas na natitira sa akin. As I continue reading I could see nothing but darkness.

In conclusion, Mrs. Laurente suffered from an extremely emotional or traumatic event that triggers a surge of stress hormones known as broken heart syndrome. It might be unlikely to happen, but study shows that these hormones can put the patient in short-term heart failure, which can be life-threatening.

That moment I felt nothing but the same feeling I felt back when she died, but this time it comes with betrayal and a lot of pain that I could feel killing me inside. I could feel my eyes ache due to extreme crying. I wanted to stop reading but I feel like I'm still thirst for more information, so, I continued reading and I saw something familiar that hurts me even more.

Its Mama's medical record, I saw it before but something feels wrong with this one. This is different from what I've seen before. I've seen the version where they discussed Mama's blood cancer but this one is something that discusses the chronological narrative of her consultation on broken heart syndrome and the synopsis of the case.

On February 27, 2016, Mrs. Aurora Florentine S. Laurente was admitted in St. Evangelist General Hospital under the care of Doctor Alfonso Santos and Doctor Anastacia Cruz. The patient shows symptoms of blood cancer at first but it was found that she is suffering from broken heart syndrome. Unfortunately, on February 12, 2018, Mrs. Laurente passed away due to the said syndrome.

I saw darkness. I saw her, lying on her bed. I felt betrayed. Pakiramdam ko'y bibigay ang katawan ko at hindi ko na gugustuhin pang bumangon. It's a confidential paper and there was a written note saying it must not be discussed to anyone but the doctors only and especially not to me.

I have never felt so unwilling to live until that moment. I've never felt that deep dark frightening and frustration ever until that moment. Hindi ko alam ang mararamdaman ko, hindi alam kung dapat ba akong magalit. Sa kaniya dahil hindi niya sinabi pa sa akin ang totoo, sa mga doctor dahil tinago nila sa akin ang totoo, o sa kaniya na naging dahilan para maramdaman ni Mama ang nakamamatay na kalungkutan. I don't know what to feel but be hopeless, betrayed, and to leave that place and never come back again.