Could I really do this, could I date two men? These two men? The question repeatedly went through my head on the way back home with Dmitri and Nickoli following right behind. The idea of it was glorious, but the reality of it...that was a different matter. One thing I did know that I absolutely could not and would not have sex with both men. This was so not going to work, which put the option of leaving and going home back on the table again, even if this place felt like my true home. 

Sitting across from the men on a chair, I stared at them in ah as I always did. Polar opposites in every way but for one, they both wanted and cared for me. Dmitri with his black midnight silk long hair tied at the nape of his neck, ocean blue eyes staring back. The man was huge, taking up half the couch for himself. Not an ounce of fat on the man. His rugged bad boy looks were intimidating, but to me he was my 6'5", 250 lb gentle protective teddy bear. Nickoli on the other hand with his soft waves of golden blonde hair just hitting his shoulders, luminous emerald green eyes patiently waited for me to say something. Not as large as Dmitri, but far from being average; muscle's ripping through his loose fit shirt begging to be touched. Nickoli was more elite, professional, someone that was born for a tailored fit suit more than a tank and beat up jeans, not that he could not pull it off. Both of them could wear anything and always look breathtaking.

The silence and the intense gazing on all our parts were getting to be too much. I stood up abruptly and started to pace, "Guys, I don't think I can do this," I blurted out.

Nickoli, who sat relaxed as if they were just talking about the weather, asked, "Can't do what?"

Waving my hands in the air, "Date the both of you," I admitted. They looked at me as if I had two heads.

Dmitri, sounded amused and said, "Ah Sam, you have been for weeks."

I turned to them with disbelief. "No. We are just...hanging out, cuddle buddies, not really dating," I corrected him.

They both stared at her, looking amused. Nickoli was the first to sober when he realized I was not joking around. "You really believe that, don't you?" he sounded sorry for me.

That pissed me off, "Don't talk to me like I'm a child. That's exactly what we were doing."

Dmitri just looked at her and shook his head, "For someone who doesn't like lying sure the hell does a good job of it when it comes to yourself."

That was her Dmitri, no going around words. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?" I said more confused than angry. He was right, I tried my damndest not to lie to people and felt guilty when I did for the most part.

"What he means is," Nickoli cut in. "You have convinced yourself that we have not been dating. I have a question for you. When you hang out with Mason and Matt is it the same when you are with Dmitri or myself?" Nickoli always thought his words through first and more times than not he made me think before I answered.

"Of course not, were just friends," I blurted. Yes, me and Mason would cuddle on the couch, but it was different, a friend and a family sort of way. When I was with Dmitri and Nickoli it was more a boyfriend, girlfriend thing. Kissing them made my heart pick up and butterflies turn my stomach. Mason was always just a kiss on the cheek or forehead. "Oh," I said, understanding slammed into me. I have been dating both of them. Deep down I knew that but always keep that knowledge deep down.

Their smiles grew seeing the truth hit me. Things had changed, but things could not continue; stakes had grown. "I can't do this anymore. I can't date you, either of you," my voice soft with regret.

That sobered them, sitting up straight. "What do you mean, you can't do it anymore?" Dmitri asked stunned.

"Sam?" Nickoli, confused.

Pacing again, thrusting my hands through my hair. "It's not right, not normal. Falling in love with two people is just wrong and selfish," I thought to myself. Dmitri's mouth fell open slightly and Nickoli's eyes widened. That was when I figured I spoke aloud. "Beer. I need a beer. I'll get us some beer," I rambled on, taking off out of the room. Mortified, that once again my thoughts were spoken aloud instead of just thoughts. Standing in the middle of the kitchen, hoping they would leave, and give me an easy way out of this mess I found myself in but knew they would not. Plus, I knew this conversation was going to happen and the sooner it was done the sooner it would be over and I would be alone.

Back in the living room, Dmitri and Nickoli were back to their relaxed talking about the weather composure. The only tension seemed to be coming from was me. Needing a different topic and fast, I came up blank and it didn't look like they were going to help-out. Passing out the beer, keeping close to the door for a fast get away, not that it would do any good compared how fast they could move.

Leave it up to Dmitri to be the first one to bring it up. Standing up and walking toward me, Dmitri smiled and gave me a soft kiss on y lips. "I love you too," he whispered.

Breath caught, tears stung the back of my eyes. Dmitri moved back when Nickoli came up, moving a piece of hair to behind my ear. Kissing my nose then lips and whispered, "I love you Samantha McDowell."

Hand to my mouth, tears spilt over with joy. It had been years since a man said those words and just as long since I had felt anything close to what I felt for these men. Stomach in knots; could I leave after hearing those words, could I leave after admitting to myself and them that I too loved them? The answer was no. Grabbing them both, hugging them as if there was no tomorrow. "I love you so much," my voice muffled against their arms but knew they would hear.

"So, you're going to stay?" Dmitri asked against my hair.

I nodded and they both take a breath that they seemed to be holding. Then the issue of sex came to mind. Loving two people was a first for me. But the sex issue? My body stiffened and I pulled away, wiping away the tears. "Um, we have a problem," I said ducking my head. I was not an overly shy person and pretty much spoke my mind. But having the sex talk about them with them, this was a step that I was not ready for. "Dating is one thing, but what comes with it is a different matter," I felt like a pre-teen talking about this to their parents.

Brows pulled together, neither had a clue what I was getting at. "Sex," I blurted, "That, I don't think I can do. Have sex with both of you would be like cheating on the other."

"Oh. Umm, yeah I haven't thought about that," Dmitri admitted. Conflict of emotions flashed before his eyes.

"I don't think that is something we need to worry about right this minute," Nickoli said. He too seemed to be struggling with the thought.

I just looked at them, doubt clearly written all over my face. Things were getting more intense when we spent time together, especial when alone. This decision and topic was not as far off discussion in the future, but for now, this moment, leaving it at that was good enough. I was in love, and loved, and was not going anywhere.