Laying there alone in bed for what seemed like an eternity, afraid to close my eyes even for the barest of moments only made me feel worse. My behaviour early with Mason, the flip out at the clearing, the weakness I shown to everyone made me nauseous. They all knew now. No one was every supposed to know. That was my life. Self-pity was getting in the way of the real problem; that poor girl and her family.

Get your ass out of this bed! I was not going through that again. Rolling out of bed, heading right for the shower that I really hoped would help clear my mind on what was going to be my next move. Leave and start new somewhere else or stay? That was the question.

The shower only resulted in physical cleansing but didn't do a thing for my mental state. Getting dressed, then I paced as I thought. Leave or stay was the question that kept rolling through my head over and over again. Going over the pros and con's; there was a lot more cons for leaving, which surprised me. I had never felt such at ease with people before, never mind how protected I felt. With them around, I felt like I could take on the world. Only being here less than a couple of weeks and the friendships I created meant more to me than any of the others, well except for Mady.

Lost in my thoughts it took a second to see Mady standing, leaning against the frame with a scowl on her face and arms a crossed over her chest. Stopping abruptly, I stared back wondering what I did to piss her off now. Emotions running high and not wanting to fight with her I just stood there not saying a word.

"Are you seriously thinking about leaving? Call me selfish, but I just got you back and I don't want to lose you again. When I left five years ago it was one of the hardest thing I had ever done. But since last year...that's when I really did lose you and now I just got you back. Please, Sam don't leave." By the end, Mady was crying.

Never realizing what toll my family's death took on Mady, I felt guiltier then I had ever felt. I didn't think I had ever considered her feelings through any of it. Mady was with me for the birth of my twins, holding my hand with every contraction, coaching me through every breath and push. She was there during all their infant illnesses, the twin's first steps and words, even their first day of school. She was like their second mom. My family was Mady's family. All of that hit me hard. My eyes filled with tears as I rushed over wrapping my arms around her squeezing tight. "Mady, oh god. I am such a selfish cold-hearted bitch. I never thought this whole time what all this did to you. I was so worried about being strong and not bothering anybody. I didn't think...," I stopped while we held each other and cried. Cried together for the loss of my family. Of our family.

I took a few minutes to pull ourselves together before we stepped apart. Looking into my friends eyes I said, "I can't lose you either. I'm staying!" Seeing Mady's relief made me smile. "Besides I just bought my dream home if you remember. By the way how did you know I was thinking about leaving?"

Mady laughed, "You're talking out loud has...umm shall I say increased over the years."

I had to laugh along with her. One of these days I would get a handle on that. "I should probably talk to someone about that. I can just imagine what I say in my sleep." The laughing helped a lot. I could feel the weight being lifted already. Putting my arm around Mady, we headed for the door. "I'm done with the self-pity. Let's get out of this room." With that, we headed downstairs. I would not say I was back to herself, but definitely done with the mopping and dwelling over things I could never change. My lose was almost a year ago. I had cried my fair share and nothing I could do would change what had happened. Plus I had a lot of practice faking it.