A One in Infinity Chance

by NimrodKirkpatrick

"Everyone knows the cause of the Big Bang was a Liverpudlian, whom I'm afraid I can't name for reasons of copyright and all that, using jumper cables from a little green ship - that may or may not have formerly been used to ferry ore from the surface of a given planetoid or moon to its host ship, the name of which was similar to Rouge Little Person - to essentially restart the Universe.

"It's common knowledge, much like the fact that when you go to the supermarket you will always, without fail, get the trolley with the wonky wheel, that sex is always better for smokers due entirely to the post-coital cigarette and that the only known cure for vegetarianism - and yes, it seems I'm suggesting that vegetarians suffer from some kinda' screwed up disease that either alters their palette to the point the taste of meat repulses them or plays with their brain chemistry, making them think that by not eating meat they're saving the world, or some shit, so sue me - is the most glorious of all smells; bacon sizzling, drowning in a vat of sunflower oil.

"What isn't known is what came afterwards...

"Logically, the only reason the Universe can possibly have required a jump-start is that it was dead and again, the most logical explanation for death on such a grand scale - because that's not the matriarch of all understatements - is Heat Death. In other words, the stars all burned themselves out.

"If that was the case it makes sense. Had I been there, I would probably have done the same thing. I mean, you're not only the last human alive but in all actuality you are the last being in existence. You've got twenty-five minutes worth of oxygen left. Remove the time it takes to rub one out which leaves you with what, 10-15 minutes? What else are you gonna' do with your last few moments but attempt to restart the Universe? And as it's not as though you can press CTRL+ALT - Delete so a quick jump-start makes perfect sense. I mean sure you're probably gonna' die. There's probably no probably about it really. But that shit, jump-starting the Universe... It's historic, man...

"So let's assume for a little while it only takes a couple of minutes to get the Universe back up and running again. I dunno' about you but I'd say that sounds reasonable I mean think about it... If you're jump-starting your car and it hasn't worked after a minute or two, the phrase, "D'you know what? Fuck it, I'm calling Green Flag," or something similar is generally uttered, so why should it be any different for the Universe?

"But yeah, anyway... So you're left with a minimum of eight minutes and sure, you could spend those eight minutes watching the Universe do probably not a whole lot - it's the Universe, after all. If there's one thing it ain't, it's quick! - as your oxygen reserves slowly drain away but honestly, d'you really wanna' suffocate if there's a chance of survival?

"It's a slim chance, sure... Fuck, I'd go as far to say that you've got more chance of surviving a sexual encounter with a rogue herd of Diplodocus on a bender, and viagra, but it's a chance nonetheless. A one in infinity chance, I suspect.

"You don't know what you're doing. You already reached the peak of your engineering skills when you attached jumper cables to the nipples of the Universe but fuck it; fixing a cryo tube in eight minutes is just like replacing a lightbulb, right?

"Against all probability and following an inordinate amount of twiddling, not made any easier by the fact the gloves of your spacesuit are a tad cumbersome, the lights on the cryo tube flash and the damned thing activates so you set the timer to wake you in a couple of billion years. After that it's a quick dash to the bridge to instigate a shutdown of all systems except the pod and for the autopilot to kick in as soon as it detects a planet with an atmosphere suitable to your needs.

"A quick stop in the lab to grab as varied a selection of frozen eggs and sperm samples as you can carry and it's back to the cryo pod.

"So then not a lot happens as far as you're concerned. You're essentially sleeping but outside your ship the Universe goes on. It produces new stars and planets, new black holes and dark matter... Everything it once was it soon will be again.

"And then your cryo tube wakes you. You're disorientated at first but as the pod opens you remember something you'd seen in some old movie and you take a cigarette from the packet you'd left beside the pod.

"Grateful that not only can you breathe, you can also enjoy a cigarette, you clamber from the pod in a very naked fashion.

"The ship is dead. It used the last of its power to sustain you in the cryo pod and to get you, well... wherever the hell it's taken you, but the fact you can breathe is of great comfort as it means, in all likelihood, your beloved ship has taken you to a world with a breathable atmosphere.

"So you're outside, your grass tickling your bare feet as three suns beat down warmly upon your naked body.

"You're still alone but at least there are several billion years stretching out before you rather than like before, when the minutes had been ticking down to your death and it's not like you'll be alone for long, anyway, assuming you can find the instruction manual in the fertilisation lab, anyway..."

The speaker stepped down from the podium as before him, hundreds of young children waited, hoping he would continue the story.

It was more than a story, of course, and they knew it. Everyone knew it. Every school child knew the story better than the lyrics to any number of pop songs.

"...and that was a hundred thousand years ago, give or take. I'm descended from that man, just as all of you are. Your parents and their parents, too, and were it not for that man who was born, quite literally, in a different Universe, had it not been for the fact his ship had a pair of jumper cables when in all likelihood that was not a mandatory piece of equipment... Had it not been for him then this room, this city, this planet... Hell, this Universe... Had it not been for him, none of it would exist."

FIN