Score: Creep - Radiohead

Lydia

"Ouch!" I yank my head forwards, pulling my hair out of Alex's grip. She's raking a brush through my wet hair and she's obviously come across a particularly nasty knot.

"Sorry," she mutters, but gathers my hair in her hands again and starts brushing it, more gently this time.

It's been two weeks since Mark and I came back from Greece. I've been staying with Alex since. I went to meet my dad a couple of days after that horrible night at Gloria's. I knew it wasn't going to be easy, but was I not prepared for what happened.

It seems that Celis's moved out of the flat. My dad told her that he can't afford to pay for her tuition and she just left him.

I can't say I'm surprised, but this situation does scare me a bit. Clearly, it is is bad, and we're getting tight on money.

Colin was drunk again, and our chat wasn't very...er...productive. He said he won't be paying for my tuition, which was what I had expected to hear anyways, but I still had hope.

Why did I, though? It's been proven time and again to me that hope is fucking useless.

After listening to him calling me a failure for, well, failing Chemistry and not getting into Psychology for twenty minutes, I just left the flat and came back to Alex's. Her mum saw how upset I was and made a pitcher of watermelon Margaritas, and the three of us watched movies and ate chocolate fondue all night.

Why can't all parents be cool like Alex's mum? 

Then, after carefully considering my options, I reached out to the university and asked them for funding options. It seems that I've missed all the deadlines for applying for loans, though, so, the only path left open for me was to defer my offer. So, I did.

No university for me this year, then.

I never considered a gap year before, but maybe that's not such a bad idea. I need to figure my shit out, and I'd like to have the time and space to do it, without having to worry about settling into university life and studying for exams.

I need to figure out what I am going to do. I need to figure out what I want to do. I feel like I don't know who I am anymore.

Everything that I used to think I was has been taken away from me. I was certain I'd be going away to Edinburgh to study Psychology. Not gonna happen. I used to think I was rich and maybe a little spoilt. Not anymore. I used to be this determined, driven, opinionated, outgoing girl. I used to think I knew exactly what I wanted in life. Now, I question everything there is. I used to be Patrick Casterly's girlfriend, Mark Carter's best friend, and then, lover.

Now, I am neither of those things.

What are you left with, if you give up everything you think you know, for love?

It feels like fucking nothing. I feel like fucking nothing, not gonna lie.

"You know what's even more frustrating?" I raise my eyebrow, meeting Alex's eyes in the mirror-panelled wall in front of us. "I risked and lost everything, Alex, and he didn't. I lost my relationship, I am homeless and broke, for fuck's sake, and I lost my dream about Edinburgh and Psychology...My entire life's gone to pieces and I don't even know how to start picking them up...I can't see my future, like, at all, right now. And he didn't even lose a night's sleep... He still got to get back at Patrick, he still fucked me throughout the summer, but, at the same time, he also gets to keep his relationship with his father, and now that we're not together anymore, he'll just go back to LA. Just as his father wanted. He's going to take over Peter's company or whatever. He's going to go back to school and his life will continue as if nothing happened."

I haven't talked to Mark since I left Gloria's with Alex two weeks ago. He's been looking for me, I know, he's been at Gloria's multiple times, he's even come here, but I don't want to see him. I don't want to hear a single word he has to say. He's called me multiple times, he's left me messages in every messaging app, known to humanity, he's even been writing me fucking letters. When Nina, Alex's housekeeper first found them in the mail, she was very excited. She thought it was very romantic. I would have thought the same, if Mark wasn't a fucking dickhead and I don't want to see him ever again.

So, I told Nina to throw the letters away and not bring them to me anymore.

Then, two days ago, Gloria sent me a screenshot of a flight number and departure times, followed by a Loverboy's going back to America message.

Of course, he is. He's got nothing, holding him back anymore. He can go back to LA like nothing happened, while I stay here and suffer the consequences of my irresponsibility.

It is weird how any this doesn't make me feel a single thing. Like, I managed to shut the world out again. I have to admit I am glad.

If nothing can touch me, nothing can hurt me, right?

"You're not being entirely fair, Lydia," Alex whispers. I whip my head back, meeting her eyes, not even trying to hide how appalling I find her words.

"You're supposed to be on my side, you know."

"And I am. I'm just saying you're not being completely fair."

"How is that so?" I cross my arms over my chest.

"Well, you say you've lost your relationship, but you forget it was an already doomed one, not to mention tainted by your father's plan to trade you off to the Casterlys. Oh, and, I almost forgot, Patrick fucking choked you," Alex says. I fall silent. She has a point there.

"Then, you say you're homeless, but it was your choice to leave, because of your abusive father. If you ask me, it's for the better. I think you should have done it earlier, to be honest."

I wince at her words. She can be brutally honest sometimes, but I guess that's what I need rifgt now.

"And go where? If you haven't noticed, I'm still eighteen. And, as much as I hate to admit it, I have no skills whatsoever. My plan was to leave for uni and never go back."

"You can always stay with me, Lydia. Always. I don't know how many times you need me to say that to actually understand it. You are safe here. My mum loves you to pieces. She has been worried about you ever since your mum left. What I am saying is, there has always been a way. You didn't have to stay there and suffer in silence all this time."

I look at my hands, resting on my bent knees. A few seconds pass, before I nod slowly.

"And, you think Mark hasn't lost anything, but he's lost you, Lyds. He knows he's broken your trust and there's no going back. And I know you're hurting right now, and maybe you don't even want to hear this, but he really loves you. And I know he would have gladly given up his father's company to be with you. He would have given up everything to be with you."

Something flutters in my chest from Alex's words, but I stomp it in the ashes of my heart.

"So, that's why you're not being fair, Lyds. I know you're definitely not in the position to feel sorry for Mark, nor is someone expecting that from you. But you have to realize there's no winner in this situation, babe. You're both losers."

I give out a small laugh that gets trapped in my throat and comes out as a cough.

This is why I love Alex so much! She's always there for me, but she also helps me see the world through her eyes. And it always looks better then.

There's a quiet knock on the door and Nina's head peeks through, when Alex calls her to come in.

"There's a visitor for Miss Lydia in the living room," Nina says, her entire body oozing frustration. "Lady Theodora Casterly."

Alex and I both turn our heads towards each other at the same time. When my eyes meet hers, I am met with the exact same expression that I believe I have right now. Eyes wide, jaw almost unhinged, all blood drained from her face.

"What the fuck?" I whisper. I know Theodora can't hear me from the living room downstairs, but, still, I'm not entirely sure if I want to see her.

"How does she even know you're here?" Alex whispers back, eyes so wide, they look like they'll pop out of her face. She's always been a little terrified by Theodora.

"Dunno," I shrug my shoulders. "Maybe she went looking for me at my dad's first and he told her where I was."

"Should I tell her you're not here?" Nina asks, sensing how uncomfortable I am.

I toy with the idea of hiding away from her, but hiding from Mark is enough. I'd have to face the rest of the world, eventually.

"No," I shake my head. "Tell her I will be right down. Thank you, Nina."

I stand to my feet and straighten the T-shirt dress I am wearing down my thighs. I suddenly realize how underdressed for Theodora I must look. I used to always be all polished and straight up in her presence.

"Do you want me to come with you?" Alex asks, sitting cross-legged on the bed.

"No, that's fine. She's probably here to laugh at my face for being stupid enough to put myself in the situation of being bet in a poker game," I wince.

No matter how many times I say it out loud, it doesn't get any better.

"OK, babe, let me know if you need anything. Text me HELP, if things turn really nasty, and I'll be right there."

I nod hastily and make my way out of Alex's room and down the hallway toward the stairs.

I slowly descend the stairs to the penthouse's first floor, feeling more and more breathless with every step.

What is Patrick's mum doing here? What does she want from me?

The living room door is left cracked open. I step in, pushing the door all the way.

Theodora's black bob is floating eerily over the sofa's backrest. She's sitting with he back to the door, but when she hears me step into the living room, she stands to her feet and turns around.

She's as polished as ever, in her Chanel suit, her Lady Dior bad resting on the coffee table. Her lips are perfectly painted red, as always, and they stretch into a smile when her blue eyes meet mine.

"What are you doing here?" I am the first one to break the awkward silence.

Her eyebrows shoot up, but her smile doesn't come off her face.

"Where are your manners, Lydia?" She scolds. "If you keep up with the attitude, I might have to reconsider coming here and trying to convince you to take my son back."