Score: Anti-hero - Taylor Swift

Lydia

My fingers are trembling, as I pull up Patrick's name from my contacts. I have to call him, I need to talk to him.

I need to be at peace with myself again.

My head is throbbing with what is possibly the world's worst hangover. My mouth is dry like the Sahara and my eyes feel like they're full of sand. I know I took way too many shots last night, but they couldn't have possibly been that many. I am sipping on my water in the back of Nate's car on our way back to London.

Thank God he's awake now, and Alex offered to give me a lift back. My other option was Greg, which gives me shivers even now. Or it might be the alcohol...

Nate goes over a bump on the road and I whimper. A splitting pain shoots through my skull, blinding me for a second.

Why the hell are we doing this to our bodies? Are human beings fucking dumb? I am never drinking again...

...Is the most abused phrase in the world, I know...

Last night must have been a complete blast. I have no recollection of how I'd gotten to Petra's room and when I had fallen asleep. The only thing I remember is that I woke up this morning, fully clothed, sprawled across Petra's bed, and Alex was sleeping on the floor next to the bed.

As the car keeps moving, I feel vomit rising up in my throat. I look at Patrick's name on my phone and my chest tightens. I know this is the right thing to do. I just didn't know how hard it is to do the right thing.

OK, here we go.

I press the button and wait.

Patrick picks up on the second ring and sounds cheerful.

"Good morning, babe, how'd it go?"

"Ugh..." I groan, as a statement. Patrick laughs on the other end of the line.

"That good, eh? Who won?"

My airways feel like they've collapsed, not letting anything in or out, as I try and say the name.

"Mark did."

"Oh, good for him," Patrick says, but his enthusiasm's gone. Or it might be just my guilty mind, playing tricks on me. "Anything interesting? Any highlights from the night?"

"I don't remember much, really," I say, trying to keep my voice calm, despite the things I do remember. "It was epic, I've been told. Nate dared Alex and I to make out."

"Again? Oh, darn, now I wish I was there even more."

"Pig."

"I know." He laughs and my heart twists in my chest again.

Making out with Alex is not something new, we've drunk-made out before, and both Nate and Patrick are OK with it. Actually, I've kissed more girls than boys in my life. The only two guys I've ever kissed are Mark and Patrick. Drunk-snogging a girl on a night out is something totally acceptable.

Snogging Mark, under any circumstances, though, while dating Patrick, is totally not, and is something I need to deal with now.

"Listen, babe, we need to talk," Alex turns around in her seat, looking at me with understanding and pity. She's been so supportive of the whole situation.

Her sad smile brings back flashbacks from the conversation we had this morning in Petra's room. I had asked her if everything was OK with Nate when I found her sleeping on the floor next to the bed.

"You asked me to stay with you, Lyds," Alex said, getting up.

"What? Why?"

"You don't remember? You wanted me to stay with you because you were afraid you might call...him."

My heart dropped at least ten inches in my chest. What the fuck did I tell Alex? How much does she know? Did I tell anybody else?

I have been dying to tell someone what happened between me and Mark since that night in his car. I have been feeling the constant grip of guilt on my chest ever since, but I couldn't possibly tell Gloria. She'd kill me, she'd kill the both of us, and I wouldn't blame her. The three of us have been friends for as long as we can remember, and, if things got weird, she'd be in a very shitty position.

Well, we're past that now, aren't we?

So, the only other person, whom I could talk to, was Alex.

It seems we had gotten past that, too, last night, and I don't even remember any of it.

"Oh, God!" I groaned, rubbing my hand over my forehead. "What did I tell you?"

Alex looked at me, with concern in her eyes.

"Well, you told me about last night, and that night in his car, and you wanted to call him and ask him why has he been a dick about it."

"Shit!" Is the only thing I aid, though it really is an understatement.

"And you wanted me to come with you here, to make sure you didn't call him. Then, you thought of calling Patrick instead, in the middle of the night, to tell him what happened."

"Stop!" I groaned.

"Lyds, I love you, babe, and I want you to be happy, but you've got to figure this shit out. It's not healthy, what you're doing to yourself, and to Patrick. I'll always be on your side, but you need to fix this, for your own sake."

"I know, I know" A part of me felt instant relief that I could finally talk to someone about what happened with Mark.

"So, what do you want? Do you want to break up with Patrick?"

"I don't know..." I sighed. Alex had sat down on the bed beside me, stroking my hair. "I am scared."

"Why?"

"Because... I've never been with anybody else. I know everyone's saying we're going to end up married someday. Our parents keep throwing it at us. And I know Patrick's OK with it. It's like I've never thought we'd break up, you know? But..." My voice broke and I felt that, if I said the words out loud, it'd all finally become real. "With Mark, I feel things. Things I've never felt with Patrick. And it's freakin scary, cause I don't know what to do with these feelings. I've never had to deal with them before. With Patrick, I see future. It may not be ideal, but it seems safe. With Mark, I don't see anything but ways we fuck everything up at the end, and I... I am scared he'll break my heart..." I felt something warm and sticky falling down my cheeks. Alex caught the tears, which I hadn't realized were rolling from my eyes.

"Oh, babe," Alex pulled me in her arms for an embrace. I nuzzled her hair and broke into full-on sobbing.

"Being with Nate feels scary as fuck sometimes," Alex said in my hair. "But it also feels so right...I feel an adrenaline rush every time I see him. My heart starts beating faster and my chest tightens. I feel... alive when I am with him. But I am also terrified that something may happen and I might lose him. Especially now that we're going away for Uni."

Alex's soft words and soothing strokes over my hair made me feel calm and secure in her arms. Her words made perfect sense.

"Isn't all love supposed to be a little scary?" She asked.

"With Mark, I'm terrified..."

"Babe, are you there?" Patrick's voice over the phone snaps me out of my daydream.

"Hm, yeah, I'm sorry..."

"I asked you what did you want to talk about."

"You know, just...us."

"I thought you wanted to wait till exams were over."

"I did, yeah, just...I think we need to do it sooner rather than later."

"Should I be worried?" Patrick's voice gives me goosebumps.

He knows. He so knows.

"You still coming back tomorrow?" I change the subject.

"Tonight, actually. There's airport staff strikes over here and I am taking the Eurostar, to make it on time for my next exam. Mum and Dad are staying until they can catch a flight. I have a huge surprise for you, Lyds. I can't wait for you to see it." How much pain can a heart take? This conversation has been a test of that since its very beginning. I sigh, before I reply.

"I'll be waiting for you to call me, babe."

"Grand, see you later tonight, then. I love you, Lyds." Another mini-heartbreak.

Say it back, damnit! Just say it back.

Even though I know now it is not true anymore, I don't want to hurt him just yet. I'll have the whole night to do it.

"See you later, babes." And I hang up. Shit! I didn't say it!

Alex is still looking at me with her beautiful, deep blue eyes, asking me silently if I need anything. We can't really talk now, as Nate is in the car and he's not familiar with the...situation, thank God. I just nod and smile weakly. She turns to face the road and I am left alone with my thoughts.

I realize now I've been numb with Patrick for a long, long time. I admit there was some excitement in the beginning when we first started dating, but it's nothing like what I'm feeling now, with Mark. Maybe I've been clutching at Patrick just because he is my first boyfriend and because he's been my escape from my fucked up family, my safe place. His family is everything that mine is not, and, maybe, that's what I've been wanting. But I've been numb for so long, I haven't even realized that it is only human to feel things. And even if Mark and I never speak to each other again, or even if we, at some point in time, manage to go back to being friends, I know I want to feel again. And, maybe, if it's not Mark, it could be someone else. Maybe, there's someone, who'll make me feel that tingling electricity, the fire, burning inside and out, the anticipation, coiling deep in my stomach anytime I see him.

And, maybe, a part of me peeks through, sparkling a tiny flame of hope, maybe Mark and I can figure things out if we start on a clean slate. No more lies. No more secrets.

I know it'll be difficult, but it's not impossible.

A flock of butterflies gathers behind my ribcage, fluttering away the remorse I have been holding there for my dying relationship with Patrick. Am I a horrible person? Definitely. But, for the first time in my fucking life I know exactly what I want. The only problem is, I don't know how to get it.

A few hours, a long, long shower, and a couple of cups of coffee later, Patrick finally calls me to let me know he's just arrived at St. Pancras and will be soon coming over. He suggests we go to his place, as his parents won't be there, but I insist on meeting at Colin's. What if he goes bonkers when I tell him what I've been meaning to tell him? Would he throw me out on the street? I doubt it, but I prefer to bet on the safe side and ask him to my flat. He agrees quickly, quicker than I'd thought he would, which surprises me a bit, but I don't mind. I just need to get it over with. Like waxing.

Patrick arrives at the door, looking all hyped and happy, a stark contrast to my anxious, troubled self. His smile can make any girl swoon, but it only makes my heart bleed even more.

"Hey, babe, thanks for coming. You must be knackered..." I begin, letting him in.

"Lyds..." he begins, the sparks in his eyes lighting up the entire hallway. "Before you start, let me tell you something. I think it's pretty relevant."

"Oh," I say, pulling my brows in. What can he possibly tell me, that can be related to the fact that I am breaking up with him, because I don't have feelings for him anymore? And, that I have discovered I am actually capable of feelings, but for another man? And, that I am a cheating whore?

"Let's go somewhere else. This is not something, which should be discussed in the hallway." Patrick says, taking my hand in his. "Is your dad home?"

"Hm, I dunno. Why?" My confusion is growing greater with every passing second.

"Never mind. We'll do it properly when Mum and Dad are back. I just wanted to let you know..."

"Let me know what, Patrick?" I stop in my tracks, yanking my hand away from his grasp. He stops, too, and turns to face me. His eyes are so wide, they may pop out of their orbits and his smile could make the Cheshire Cat turn green with envy.

"Lyds, I love you, you know that, right?

"Yes, but..."

"And I want to show it to you. I want you to know how much I love you, that I care about you, and that I'll gladly spend my whole life taking care of you."

"Patrick, what..."

He lifts a hand in the air, silencing me.

"Let me finish. I've been rehearsing this on my way here."

No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no...

"Babe, I think..."

"I know life's been hard on you for the past two years, but we've all got a chance for a fresh start now. And I want to be there for you, I want to be by your side for it. I want to be it for you. Where is your father? Colin!"

I put my hand over his mouth, silencing him.

"Patrick, calm down, baby. What is it? What do you need my dad for?"

"I need to ask him." He says, pushing my hand away. "I need to ask his permission..."

"For what?" I snap.

"I've found it, babe!" He exclaims, pride emanating from his entire body. "I've found The One."

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no...

"Babe, you're not making any..."

But before I can finish, Patrick pulls a small velvet box out of the pocket of his trousers, and I feel vomit rise up my throat for the second time today. The room starts to spin in front of my eyes and I feel like I am gasping for air. The only thing I can see is the box with the familiar HW logo on it.