Xander
TW: !! Heavy mentions of su*cide and depression, and su*cide attempt.
READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.

Drake blasts in my ears through my headphones. I've been listening to music with the volume as high as possible for a while now. I rest my head against my headboard and sing the lyrics to myself lowly. I didn't know that I'd feel this fucking shitty tonight. I woke up today knowing I wasn't going to feel my best but it's worse than I thought. Even with the music blasting in my ears, I hear voices in my head telling me to do the one thing I've held off on doing long enough now. Do it now. It's hard to ignore them. Sometimes I wish I could scream, but I can't. Not without drawing fucking attention to myself at least.

I hate that it's the weekend because Hendrick's Gym is closed. I was getting ready to go earlier and then I remembered the day of the week. The regular gym can't help with my pacing thoughts and sex? No, that won't do it this time.

I feel like I'm at my breaking point. I need this to end. If it does then that means all the thoughts in my head will be gone. I'll be free. I fucking ache to feel that freedom. There's no escape from life no matter how much I try and make myself believe it. I'm stuck here for God knows how long.

I'm terrified of myself for more than one reason. I don't know what I'm capable of doing. For some reason though, I itch to find out. How far would I really go?

My eyes open at the touch of someone's hand shaking my leg. Chris. I remove one of the headphones. "What?" I ask. If he said something before, I didn't hear it. "I said, are you coming out with us? We're all going to that new bar opening on sixth street. Maddy knows the owner, so she'll get you guys in without ID's," he says. My top distraction, partying. Getting wasted. Even that won't help me right now. Being around people is the last thing I want and need right now. He just came in, and I'm growing bothered at my best friend's presence. This is fucking rare.

I shake my head, "No. I'm feeling kind of sick, so I'll pass." He furrows his eyebrows. "You need some medicine or something?" he asks me. Fuck, well now I feel like a dick. "Nah, man. I'm about to take some melatonin and knock out for the night." Or forever. He looks at me a little longer than usual. "Alright. You know where to find us if you change your mind." He pats my shoulder once before leaving my room. I lean my head back against the headboard and close my eyes again. My headphones go back on at full blast.

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I tried distracting myself for as long as I possibly could, but I can't anymore. I remove my headphones, leave my phone on the bed, and head out my door. The house is too quiet. I open Cgc's room. Empty. Rhy's next. Empty. Christian's finally. Empty. Okay, good. I head downstairs and pace around the living room and kitchen. I should've fucking started taking my antidepressants. The type of shit I'm feeling right now is not fun at all. It's scary. It's overwhelming me way too quickly.

"Just do it, Xander," I whisper to myself, running my hands through my short, curly hair. Saying this out loud almost kills me. "No, I'm fine," I tell myself. I pace around the living room hoping that if I stay moving, the thoughts will stop pacing in my head. I think doing it will solve a lot of my problems though. The main thing that I'd get out of it is being free, something I so desperately want. Being gone completely sounds fucking amazing. Then no one will have to worry about me. My mom will finally be free of the biggest burden in her life.

She's never told me this obviously, but I know I am. She worries about me 24/7 and then she also has to take care of my younger brother and sisters who still live at home with her. She does that shit alone. One less kid, one less struggle. My dad's waiting for me. He'll be the first person I see and everything will be okay. I fucking miss him more than anything in this world. I'm starting to think seeing him is worth it. We'll be together again and we'll take care of each other just like we used to.

My chest falls heavily at the thought of my father.

There might be no life after this. I might do this and just be gone. I won't see my father and I'll be gone from this world from the people who love me here.

I jog back upstairs and pick up my phone, taking it with me downstairs. I can't be stuck in one small room. I press my voicemails and click on one. My dad used to send me a lot. I'm always glad I saved them.

Hey, kid. I'm out here waiting for you. Mom thinks you need some new fucking cleats so we'll go to the shops and see if we can find any you like. See you in a bit, love you, man.

A tear finally escapes my eye, falling straight onto my phone screen. No matter what, he never failed to tell me he loved me. He always made sure I knew he loved me. He was the same with my mom and my siblings. I wipe the tears off my phone with my shirt and click on another one.

Dammit Xander, what the hell are you doing that you can't answer your pops? I miss you kid. I know it's only been three weeks, but it feels weird without you at home. When you get this, give me a call back, yeah? Love ya, kid.

Every time I missed a phone call from my father, I regret it. My heart drops to my stomach at the thought that he's probably pissed as hell at me. He hates me for not answering his phone calls. He hates me for not reaching out after we had that fight just a couple of days before he passed. I chuck my phone at the wall and it bounces right off. I fall onto the couch and a sob breaks out from my throat. The crying isn't helping me breathe any easier. I feel the air leaving my lungs and not returning to me. I'm having another panic attack.

I get up as fast as I can and walk to one of our cabinets. "Where the fuck is it?" I skim through the pills in the cabinets. A couple of years ago, I was prescribed sleeping pills. I move about ten bottles before I actually find the ones I'm looking for. I unclasp the bottle and pour them into my hand. My tears fall onto the floor as I look down at the pills in my shaky hand. "I'll see you in a bit, pops. Then we'll finally get to talk. Maybe," I choke out. I take as big of a breath as I can. I'll finally take the risk.

Three bangs on the door interrupt me.

My head shoots up quickly, making me drop some of the pills onto the ground. Three more bangs sound on the door. "Fuck." I bend over to pick up the pills that fell and then put them back into the bottle, making sure not to lose any. I shove them in a cabinet and wipe the stupid tears off my face. My breathing has slowed from the shock of someone at the door. Another three knocks hit the door as I walk towards it. I open the door wide.

Maddy rolls her eyes and walks straight into my house. She's dressed in a red, see-through lingerie top and some light wash jeans with heels. She also has the most dramatic eyeliner I've ever seen. "Are you guys ready? None of you fucking reply," she says, clearly annoyed. I follow her into the living room and then turn my head to look up at the stairs. "What? Everyone left a while ago," I say. Her mouth gapes, "Are you fucking serious?" she asks. I only nod. "I told them I would meet them here so that I could catch a ride with everyone else." She drops her purse on the table, walking past me.

She turns around slowly, looking at me up and down. I'm in a t-shirt and sweats. "Why are you here then? If you're lying to me and everyone's upstairs getting ready, I'm kicking your ass, Xander." She crosses her thin arms over her chest. I actually smile. "Not lying to you, you brat. No one's home, ya missed 'em," I shrug. She looks at me for a long time before walking upstairs. I roll my eyes. She doesn't believe me.

She comes back downstairs a couple of seconds later. "I can't believe they fucking left me," she says through clenched teeth. "They don't like you," I smirk. She narrows her green eyes at me. "Fuck you," she retorts. I make a disgusted face, "I'm good. Thanks for the offer though."

"Has anyone ever told you you're a piece of shit?"

I act like I'm thinking about it, "I think you have. Just you though."

"Good. I'm glad I'm your constant reminder of that."

"So you think about me constantly?"

"Yeah, no. Nice try."

"I think you do, Madison."

"Don't call me that."

"Madisonnnn."

She steps closer to me, "I hate you." She means that I think.

"It's an honor, really," I say nonchalantly, and touch my heart.

She glares daggers at me and then walks past me to get her purse off the table. I don't turn to follow her, but she appears right in front of me. "Why didn't you go out with them tonight?" Right as I'm about to say something, she cuts me off. "Cause nobody wanted you there right?" she smiles like her comeback has actually affected me.

"Naw. I just wasn't down tonight."

She scoffs, "Sure you weren't. Do the world a favor and disappear. Forever, if you can." I smile at this, again. She clenches her jaw. She hates that anything she says doesn't even affect me a little bit. "Why are you smiling?" she adds. "Insult me more, please." I step closer to her. She takes steps back and looks me up and down. "You're not worth wasting any more of my breath on. Don't talk to me anymore, Xander, I mean it." she says for the millionth time. Her voice fades as she walks down the hallway. The door closes shut seconds later.

I can't help but let out a small laugh.

For that small moment, all I thought about was the girl in front of me. One single thought lies on my brain right now. Madison Hayes. She loves to hate me, it's ridiculous. I can't help but poke at her and make her angry every time we have some sort of interaction. I'm starting to think this hate she has for me is too much. There is no way she's mad that I gave her my opinion at a party all those months ago.

Well, actually I know she is. That's what makes this even better. I think as time has passed, I've just made it worse. There's no way I can come back from all the terrible things I've said to her. There's really nothing I can say that'll get her to forgive me. I don't think I'd ever apologize though. She's as equally horrible to me as I am to her.

Maddy came to my townhouse just seconds before I made a permanent decision to my life. She told me to disappear from the world forever which I was about to do before she came and I smiled at that? I think there's a deeper meaning to that, but there's no way. I don't even want to admit it out loud. What I will admit? I scarily feel a bit calmer now.

I can go to sleep, but not forever. I'm waking up tomorrow and the next day too. I think something in me has just shifted and I need to figure out what the hell it is. Sooner rather than later actually.