Xander

Someone remind me why I chose to play college football again?

I've been working out at the gym since the season ended a couple of months ago, but I don't usually do cardio. We started practicing again earlier this week and coach has been making us run a manic amount of times these past couple of days. It's more like strength and conditioning than actually playing football. We usually do this in the summer, but obviously, we're starting a little early this year.

I bend over, hands on my knees as I catch my breath. I just finished running the two miles that coach set for us today. More than ten guys have already finished before me and most of my teammates are still running. Running has always been my thing since I've been in track since middle school but long-distance running? Fuck. That. I did 100, 200, and 400 yard relays in high school AKA short distance. I have more speed than stamina. I stopped pursuing track in college to focus on football so the only time I ever run is for football.

Coach is fucking insane. I feel a cold spritz of water on my back, but I don't complain. It feels fucking good. I turn to see who was the source and it's none other than my best friend Christian Valdez. I flip him off, still catching my breath. I feel like if I drink water right now, I'll throw it back up. We have to stay here until the rest of the team finishes up. That'll be another three hours maybe. Our O and D line are probably just finishing up their first mile. Keyword: probably.

After a couple of more minutes, I finally decide to get a drink of water. One of the trainers throws me a water bottle, which I barely catch ironically. I'm too tired to be playing catch right now. The green Gatorade bottle is forming condensation already from the warm weather outside. I squeeze the bottle, lifting it above my head as it falls into my mouth. I drink a good amount, not too much so I won't throw up. I don't know if we're gonna lift weights right now or if coach will be nice and call it a day. I hope it's the latter.

Valdez sprays my chest with some water as I drink, causing me to flinch. I place the bottle back down in one of the crates and flip him off. "Just trying to make you look sexy," he says. I look down at my bare chest, the droplets of water and my own beads of sweat rolling down my abdomen. I look back up at him, "I'm already sexy, man." He rolls his eyes and approaches my side, leaning himself on me. I'm only an inch shorter than his 6'3. He leans his weight on me and I shove him off me. "Just because your captain doesn't mean you can lean on me like that, damn," I say.

He chuckles and inches back towards me. Usually, my push wouldn't have moved him back much but both of our legs wobble from the amount of running we just did. "I'm gonna be your ex-captain soon," he tells me. Right. Cgc's getting named team captain in a couple of months. If our plan to make him captain goes right, of course. "You sure you wanna give up that title, man?" I ask. I knew how much of a surprise and a big deal it was to Valdez when he got named team captain last year. Not many juniors get named team captain. Juniors and people on defense. He's both of those things.

He nods, "I don't mind, really. I think C deserves it," he assures me. I think he does too, I just don't want Valdez doing something he'd regret. We both watch Cgc, who's still running. "He's pretty as hell," Valdez says. I quickly turn my head to him and he looks at me too after a couple of seconds. "I'm right here, babe," I say. He smiles, "You're pretty too." He grabs my face and squeezes it. I push him away and laugh.

Rhys finishes up finally, immediately finding his way to the water bottles. Out of all of us, he's the one who's got the most endurance but I'm not surprised Valdez and I finished before him. He's been drinking and smoking a lot which is not good when you start working out again. He drinks a good amount of water, knowing his limits like the rest of us, and then wipes his mouth with the back of his hand.

"I wanna quit," he pants out, joking. I smile and ruff his long, blonde hair. "I'll quit with you," I tell him. He would never actually do it and neither would I. "What the fuck? No. I stayed. . . partly for you fuckers. No one's quitting," Valdez retorts. Rhys stands up straight but keeps his hands on his waist, still somewhat catching his breath. "Don't get so worked up, Valdez. I'm not quitting. I don't know about this guy though," Rhys says, pointing to me with his thumb. Obviously, I'm joking. Rhys would know that I'm joking but I haven't really been talking to him much lately.

I tried talking to him more on the spring break trip, but he gravitated towards Cgc more. Rhys and I have always been good friends and I miss that bond. Valdez looks at me like I'm actually considering quitting. "I'm not going anywhere," I say, looking at him but it's more so directed towards Rhys.

Rhys looks at me, but not for long. His eyes trail back towards the rest of the team, more and more guys starting to finish their runs. "I'm gonna go talk to Adam," he says before leaving. I look back at my best friend and shake my head. "He doesn't hate you if that's what you think," he says. Have I really been pushing everyone away? Fuck, I know I have. But I'm doing better now, meaning I'm going to stop doing that. I'm glad Valdez hasn't been pushing me away like I'm doing to him. "He's mad at me, obviously," I say.

It's not like Valdez knows why I've been acting the way I have been. Nobody does so there's no valid reason I can give them for pushing them away. I don't want to lie either. I'm sick of lying. "Probably just misses hanging out with you. You two haven't in a while," he tells me something I already know. I nod my head. "Yeah, probably."

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After practice, I had my last class of the day and then went to the store to buy a couple of cases of beer. Rhys' favorite, BudLight and Coronas. I shove the BudLights into the fridge and take the six-pack of Coronas with me upstairs. I think Rhys should slow down on the drinking since we started practicing again, but maybe this will be the only thing that'll get me into his room.

I climb up the stairs and whip open Rhys' unlocked door. Clothes scatter across the hardwood floor and even the bed around him. He turns around at the sound of his door and I smile. I'd like to say I'm a neat, clean person with OCD but I won't get on his ass about his dirty room today. I plop down on the bed next to him, sitting on —probably dirty– t-shirts and shorts. I place the case of beer between us and pull out two. I hand one to him, "I needed someone to have a couple of drinks with."

Valdez stayed on campus to go to Nova's dorm and Cgc is asleep. I'd still probably pick Rhys to drink with even if both of my friends were available. He looks at me, confused, before taking the beer. He removes the cap with his ring and I hand him mine and he does the same. He takes a long swig which I follow. I don't know how to ease into this conversation. It already feels awkward which I've never felt around him before.

My phone dings, interrupting an awkward silence. I pull my phone out of my shorts.

Maddy: do you know her?

She sent a picture of a girl, who I don't know. Shit. Does she think I slept with this person?

Me: no idea who she is.

"Is that Valdez?" Rhys asks. I turn to him, "Oh, no. It's my mom, she's just being annoying," I lie. He nods his head, returning his focus to the TV. He's watching something I've never watched so I couldn't say what exactly it is.

Maddy: seriously?? do you live under a rock??

Maddy: it's monet adams

Monet Adams? No idea.

Me: nope. nothing.

She sends me multiple rolling-eye emojis.

Maddy: she's literally famous and goes to the same school as us.

Maddy: get ur head in the game xander.

I smile. She's always telling me to get my head in the game. Whatever that means. I turn to Rhys, "You know a Monet Adams? She goes to our school supposedly." I don't mention Maddy asking for obvious reasons. He looks at me, brows furrowed before shaking his head. "No," he says. I shrug.

Me: even rhys doesn't know who she is.

Maddy: whatever. look at her outfit.

I study the outfit in the picture she sent me before she texts me again.

Maddy: should i waste some of the money i've saved up and buy it...

She's been better about saving her money since her parents stopped supporting her financially. It's been hard, but she said she's been doing well. So I reply:

Me: no. save your money.

Maddy: XANDER.

Me: what?

Maddy: seriously?? no??

Me: you asked ME. i say NO.

Maddy: i hate you.

I chuckle and then realize I'm not here to fucking be on my phone. I'm here to try and fix whatever the fuck is going on between Rhys and me. I don't answer Maddy and put my phone back into my pocket. "Hey," I say to catch his attention. He twists his head to me a bit. "We're cool, right?" I ask. Well, that was the shittiest fucking start. "You think we're not?" he rebuttals. No. I shrug, "We've just been a little off. I don't want you to think I'm pushing you away or anything." He takes a long swig from his beer, finishing it off. He picks up another and opens it before shrugging.

"I mean, you have been doing that, so I've already been thinking that," he says smoothly. Okay, so he is mad. "Not on purpose. I've just been dealing with my own shit, man," I admit. He chuckles, looking away. "You've dealt with shit in the past and you've always told me what's up. This is the first time you've pushed me away," he shrugs "I just know you're hiding something, I don't know what though." Fuck, Fuck, Fuck.

I feel the color from my face slightly drain while I clutch onto my beer tighter, knuckles whitening. "I'm not hiding anything," I say, trying to keep any kind of emotion off my face. He sits up straighter on the bed. "Then tell me. What's going on?" he asks. I sigh. I can't fucking tell him what I've been going through.

Although I have been feeling better because of therapy and my antidepressants there are still days when it's hard to get up in the morning. When I don't feel like doing anything at all, I'll stay in my room the whole day and avoid everyone. I can't promise I won't possibly act like a complete dick and push him away again. "It doesn't matter anymore, I feel better now. It's why I wanted to apologize." He shakes his head quickly, setting the beer back in the case, half full.

I look at him with furrowed brows as he crosses his arms over his chest. "Take your pity beer and go Xan, I'm good here," he says. I sigh again. This is not how I wanted this shit to go. "Rhys, c'mon, man. I'm fucking sorry," I say truthfully. I fucking hate when people are mad at me, especially my friends. "Yeah, we're good, Xan," he nods his head, not even looking at me but at the tv instead.

"You're a little shit," I say, shaking my head. He doesn't say anything, no longer paying attention to me. I'm gonna die. Someone's gonna kill me. "Fine, fucker. Look at me," I say firmly. He turns his head slowly, unaffected by my harsher tone. I take a short, deep breath. I point my finger at him, "If you fucking tell anyone, you're dead. And so am I, so you better shut the fuck up." He furrows his brows. "Valdez doesn't know?" he asks. I shake my head, "No. So you can't say anything."

This interests him. The fact that I'm about to tell him something first over my best friend. He turns his body to face me more, waiting for me to say something. If I was ever going to one day eventually tell someone about my depression, I didn't know who I'd tell first. If it were up to me, no one would ever know. If I actually ever told anyone, it would probably be a spur-of-the-moment thing. Which is why that's not what I'm about to tell him.

I close my eyes momentarily, already thinking about all the consequences of telling big-mouth Rhys something nobody knows. In a whisper, I say, "I've been sleeping with, Maddy." She's gonna fucking kill me. Rhys' face remains expressionless. "That's why I've been acting weird or whatever," I add. He furrows his brows, something he does a lot because he's always confused. "Wait," he pauses "Maddy Hayes?" he asks. "No, Maddy Wilson," I say sarcastically. He feigns confusion, "Who's that?"

"Oh my God, Rhys," I sigh "Yes, Maddy fucking Hayes," I say in the quietest whisper shout. His mouth gapes open. "No fucking way. She fucking hates you," he says, surprised. Shit, I'm still surprised. "Yeah, not entirely obviously," I say. He laughs and shakes his head. I smile at the sight, just happy he isn't mad at me anymore. It took telling him this for him to no longer be mad. Little shit. I think he just wanted to know what was going on with me, so I'm not actually mad at him. Plus, me sleeping with Maddy isn't why I've been pushing him away. I'm not telling him the real truth. "Bro, that's fucking unbelievable, I'm sorry. I know damn well she bites on your dick when she's giving you head," he says. I slap his chest and he laughs. "Fuck off," I say.

He takes his unfinished beer from the case again and takes a swig from it, shaking his head. "It's why I've been. . . weird. I'm scared I might blurt it out randomly and she'd fucking kill me if anyone found out. Which is why you have to shut up, alright?" I say. He holds his hands up in defense, "Hey, I'd never stop you from getting pussy." he says. I cringe. I don't want him or anyone talking about Maddy's. . . private areas.

He clinks his glass against mine and winks. "Cheers, man." He takes another long swig from the bottle. "Also, don't bring it up with, Maddy," I make sure to say. If she knew I told him, she'd be pissed. Just like me, he's terrible at keeping other people's secrets so I just hope he can keep his mouth shut. He turns to me quickly. "Hey you wanna go to that party at Sigma tonight? We don't have practice tomorrow anyway," he says. I do have a 9 am class though. I say, "I'm fucking down."

I don't lie because after a while, I am down to go out with one of my friends. After that conversation, I can use a couple of more drinks anyway.