Xander

I picked up Maddy from school a couple of minutes ago. I didn't tell her or anyone that I was going to fight Nayte tonight. Yes, after he beat the shit out of me, I still kept the fight on. I was going to get paid after all and I wanted to kick his ass after he jumped me. Going into the match, I knew my chances of winning were pretty low but I didn't care. I just wanted to land at least one punch on his stupid fucking face. Luckily, I did just that. Unluckily, I lost the fight and got beat up. Not terribly, but there's definitely a couple of bruises on my body and face.

Although I'd rather let Maddy clean me up and then have great sex with her afterwards like the first time we hooked up, I decided to let the trainers there clean up my cuts. I bled from my nose slightly and got a small cut on my jaw. A couple of bruises already formed on my face, but they're not too noticeable. Nothing I can't hide. I'm just glad I was able to hit that fucker more than once. At the same time, I'd probably never sign up for another match again.

Not because I'm scared I won't win again because honestly, I could care less. I just don't think boxing is what I'm best at. If I'm going to be as sore as this from anything, I rather have it be football. We're still having practices so I have no idea how I'm going to make it out on the field on Monday. My body's already fucking sore and the fight just ended an hour ago.

"Where are we going?" Maddy asks. I haven't said much since I picked her up honestly. I didn't greet her with a kiss or anything and it's nighttime so she probably hasn't noticed my small bruises and bandaged cut. She would have said something if she did. I'm going to tell her about the fight, but just when we get to where I'm taking her.

My weeks have been a bit shitty. I've been doing football and training for my fight so I haven't been able to see her. My mental health also hasn't been the greatest. I'm still doing therapy and taking my antidepressants but obviously, they don't always work. My schedule has been busy luckily so I haven't been stuck at home like I usually would be whenever I feel like shit. Plus, living with my friends helps me a lot. It's sort of hard to not feel 100% when you live with three of your best friends. Also talking to Maddy at the end of the day helps out too.

I don't reply to her as I pull into a small park that sits downtown. No one really comes out here this late but I like coming here to clear my head. The quietness is soothing and it's one of the few places in Oak Hill where you can see the stars in the sky. Most of our city is full of tall ass buildings that don't allow the view of the sky. I'm used to it, being from New York and all, but sometimes just looking up at the sky is comforting to me.

I put the car in park and then turn to face her, finally. Her brows furrow immediately while looking at me. "What happened there?" She motions her head to my bandage. It's dark out so my bruises will be even less noticeable. "I had my match today. With the guy that beat me up a couple of weeks ago," I tell her truthfully. There's no reason to hide it from her anyway. Plus I want to hear her call me an idiot for still fighting him after what happened in that alley.

Her eyes widen slightly. "Are you dumb? You still fought him even after he beat the shit out of you?" she asks. I puff and roll my eyes. "Alright calm down. He didn't beat the shit out of me," I retort. She tilts her head at me. "Oh yeah, because I wasn't the one who had to pick you up and carry you to your car after I found you almost dead in that alley," she snaps back. I shake my head. "You're so dramatic," I say.

She leans forward slightly and pulls off the small bandage a bit to see what lies underneath. I don't wince once as it doesn't hurt. A small cut is all that sits on my jawline, it isn't all that serious. She places the bandage back over my cut and pats my jaw slightly. "Did you lose?" she asks. "Yes," I admit. I wanted to win, but I knew I wouldn't. Still, it feels shitty. I think winning could have made my week. I had a panic attack after the fight. I don't even know why but that fucked up my whole night. I almost ditched my plans with Maddy but I wanted to see her.

"It's fine," she rubs my cheek with her thumb "he didn't hurt you too much this time." I furrow my brows slightly and lay my head on the headrest. "Why do you say that?" I ask. She obviously doesn't feel or see the faint bruises under her thumb. "Because you still look. . ." she pauses "acceptable enough for me to like," she says quickly. I snort lightly and she glares at me immediately. "Acceptable? You mean attractive?" I correct. She removes her hand from me and disappointment slaps me in the face. I like it when she's touching me.

"I will never call you attractive to your face, Xander," she retorts. I can't help but smile. I'll compliment her as much as possible especially since that phone call we had two weeks ago. She thought I would lie when I would compliment her. I told her truthfully that she was the prettiest girl I'd ever seen. I may be biased, but she is definitely one of a kind. Yet even after all my compliments, she can never give me one back. I can count on one hand all the times she's complimented me.

I don't get mad at this fact. I know she finds me attractive otherwise she wouldn't be doing things with me. I don't need the constant reassurance either. I know she likes me and I like her too. A lot. Fuck I like her a little too much. I shouldn't like her this much. Not this soon at least.

"Never to my face, but you certainly think I'm attractive." She doesn't say anything, only glares at me because she knows that I'm right. I start to grin and she wipes my lips like she wants to literally wipe my grin off my face. "Stop," she says. "Likewise, baby," I wink at her. She rolls her green eyes and turns her body away from me.

"Don't give me attitude and come here," I say when she doesn't say anything. She turns to me again and I pat my lap. I move my seat back so she has room to sit. My legs aren't as sore as my upper body and she's not that heavy anyway. She hesitates but listens. Her long legs extend over the middle console as she sits on my lap. Her arms find their way around my neck and she lays her head against my chest. I really hope my heart isn't beating fucking abnormally. I like this a little too much.

"Uh, how are those bathing suits coming along?" I ask her, filling in the silence between us. She draws undistinguishable shapes along my arm. Both of my arms are now wrapped securely around her waist. "So far, so good. I'm almost done with the ones for the girls. I've already sewed up all the ones for the men," she tells me. Before I can say anything, she says something again. "Your hearts beating fast, am I too heavy?" she asks. Fuck.

"Uh, no," I clear my throat lightly "my adrenaline is still high from my panic attack earlier." She tenses in my arms and then lifts her head slowly. Worry is evident in her green eyes, an emotion I've only seen towards me when I got jumped by Nayte and his friends. "You had a panic attack? Why?" I can see her eyes search my features for any sign of emotion but I've been good at hiding emotion on my face for years. I don't want her to worry about me, I should've never even brought it up.

"I'm fine, don't worry. Losing the fight got to me. It only lasted a couple of minutes. I'm good I swear," I assure her, nodding my head. Her hands find the back of my neck and she kisses my lips teasingly. She leans her forehead against mine afterward. "I know we're not the usual people we'd go to to confide in someone, but," she pauses, breathing out lightly "I know when you're lying and I think we've made it clear that I'm not. . completely terrible. Don't bullshit me, okay? Not me, Xan," she finishes.

My heart clenches for two reasons. One: I think I might have just found another person who I have to lie to about what's really going on with me. Why I really had a panic attack. I can easily blame it on the fight but it's so much more than that. Two: Valdez. Valdez has told me the same thing Maddy just said. Don't bullshit me. Not me. It's exactly what I'm doing to both of them. And I hate myself for it but I can't bring myself to open up. No matter how much I like her and no matter how much I trust him.

I nod my head slightly. My hands find the sides of her head and I kiss her again. Oxygen cages in my lungs, kissing her passionately like it may be our last one. When I pull away, we both catch our breaths. "I'm okay," I assure her again. Maybe if I say it out loud enough, it'll come true. She nods after a couple of seconds and runs her fingers through my short, curly hair.

"I have to keep you on my priority list, Xander Williamson," she says softly. I see her nose twitch slightly. I know she hates when her voice doesn't come out as icy as usual. Not to brag, but the only time I hear her voice soften a bit is when she's around me. Or if she's comforting any of her friends. "Am I not on it already?" I tease. She is definitely on mine. She doesn't smile. "You don't have to worry about me," I add. This is something I don't want her to do. I'm sure she has more important things to do with her free time.

"I know," she says with her usual tone "but someone has to make sure you're not out here crying yourself to sleep." I chuckle slightly. I don't cry myself to sleep. I did, years ago, for like a month. I'm better now. She's smart so I'm sure she knows I'm lying to her about the panic attack. She just doesn't want to push me like I wouldn't push her. She knows about my dad, that's one fact now. But unlike my friends, she only found out more recently. She asks me about him every now and then. I think she might think I still mourn him.

I do. But it's been three years, I'm a lot better than I was then. It still hurts, I still miss him, but talking about him is easier. Not all of my problems come from my father's death anymore though. It started off that way, but it's changed. I'm just fucked for life now.

"What makes you think I'm crying myself to sleep?" I ask. I lick my dry lips and tuck a strand of her loose raven hair behind her ear. "You have that sad boy look in your eye," she narrows her eyes "I can see through you more than you know, Xander Williamson." I raise my brows slightly and smile. "It's like that?" I ask. She only nods her head once, not saying anything. "I'm not a sad boy. If I was though, I'd be a sad man, I'm not a boy," I correct her.

She laughs — only a huff. "You put on this little front that you're totally okay, but I don't believe it one bit. You're not some fucking God. You're not perfect, not even close and that's fine," she tells me. I smile. "I bet you loved saying that last sentence." I'm trying to not let her realize that she's spot on. I have no fucking clue how but it's terrifying me. I assume it's an assumption she's making because there's no way. My trauma and pain have been hidden for three years and a girl who I've known for a couple of months is not going to be the first one who discovers them.

She smiles back, "Obviously. But that wasn't the point." I guess it's going to be harder than I thought. I roll my eyes, playfully. "I swear I'm fine, you read into things too much," I say, pinching her chin lightly. She looks at me, unamused like she knows I'm lying to her. I am but that's not what matters most right now. She sits up straighter, not leaning against my chest anymore. She picks a hand up and holds out her pinky finger. Not a pinky promise.

I tilt my head. "Swear?" she asks. I look at her finger than at her. "Yeah," I say. She shakes her head, "You have to pinky swear, Xander." I sigh, "Seriously? Are we 13?" She flips me off but then holds her pinky out again. "Swear, c'mon. Unless you're lying to me," she says. I hesitate, but loop my pinky around hers and squeeze tightly. She glares at me and I smile. "Swear."