Xander
TW: mention of suic*de attempt

After I take my pills for the day, I return back downstairs. Cgc, Rhys, and Valdez all sit on the long couch in front of the TV. I sit on the massage chair on the side and watch as they all play Madden. After talking to Maddy two days ago, I decided that I was going to tell my friends about my depression. With Maddy, the opportunity kind of presented itself. I don't think that'll happen here again, so I struggle on how to even say anything to them. I know I want to tell them though because I am tired of hiding that part of me.

Because even though I hate to admit it, it's a big part of me. It'll continue to be until God knows when. I don't know if I can ever get 100% better again. Now that I've told one person, I might as well tell more. I want to though. I'm not forcing myself to tell them this. They deserve to know this as much as Maddy did.

I adjust myself on the loveseat, none of them are paying attention to me but to the game in front of them. So I just blurt out, "I have depression." I say it loud enough for them all to hear me. I have no idea why I said it like that. All their heads snap to me at the same time. The game is still playing, they didn't bother to hit pause. "What?" Valdez says first. Cgc hits pause and then sets the controller down on the coffee table. They all have different facial expressions, but they all come back to one emotion. Worry.

"Ever since my dad died. You guys know how close I was to my pops and his death fucked me up more than I thought it would. I was diagnosed with depression a couple of months after. I just never said anything because I didn't want you all to worry about me. You might have your own shit going on, I didn't wanna be a burden," I tell them. The looks on their faces kill me — especially Valdez's. I don't know what he's feeling right now.

"You didn't have to hide that, Xan. You would have never been a burden," Rhys says. Cgc shakes his head and looks down at his hands. It kind of feels like I would have been though, I don't know. I hate when people worry about me. Hell, if I could have kept it from my mom I would've. "You didn't trust us enough to tell us until now?" Valdez suddenly speaks up. Both Cgc and Rhys look at him, I do too. I pinch the bridge of my nose for only a second and shake my head.

"That's not the case at all. I just didn't want you guys to constantly have to worry about me, alright? My mom worries about me enough already and I just didn't wanna put another person through that. Three more people," I tell my best friend. "Over these past years, you three have been the people who have helped me the most, even when you didn't know it, alright? And Valdez, please, don't beat yourself up because you didn't realize it sooner, alright? I'm good at pretending like I'm fine."

I make sure to say this because I know it's going to affect him the most. My best friend is always there for the people he cares about the most and him just realizing that he didn't know about my depression probably isn't a good thing. Like I told Maddy yesterday, I don't want him to blame himself for this shit because he couldn't have known. I do such a good job at hiding the way I'm truly feeling that I might as well secure a fucking spot in Hollywood right next to Nova.

"It got really bad after football season to the point where," I pause. Do I really want to add more fuel to the fire? No. But I don't want to keep anything from them either. "I'm fine now, but the day before my dad's birthday in February, I almost. . . killed myself. But, I didn't okay? I'm fine," I say. The three of them still all stand up whenever I said that. I stand up too and walk closer to them. "Xan. ." Rhys says. "Why didn't you say anything?" A tear slips down Valdez's face but he wipes it quickly.

"You guys don't know this but Maddy came over that night looking for you guys. She thought you were still home and she came right before I took those pills. I didn't do it because I thought you guys came back home or something. Then I ended up going to the bar with her afterward, but I didn't say anything. Not even to her," I explain. Cgc sits back down on the couch. "The thought of killing myself didn't even cross my mind after that," I assure them. This is the truth though. Even though it took me a while to feel okay again, the thought of killing myself never came back.

"You two were already hooking up by this point?" Rhys asks. I shake my head, "No. Not yet. But she basically saved me that night, so." Rhys surprises me with a hug. I don't hesitate to hug him back. I'm still able to see Valdez whose jaw is clenched. I think he's holding back tears. "You need to talk to me, Xan. I'd never fucking judge you and you'll never be a burden to me. To any of us," Valdez says and Rhys pulls away nodding. His eyes are now noticeably reddened.

I nod, "I know. I wish I could've brought myself to tell you guys sooner. No more secrets." Valdez nods and pulls me into a hug. I hug him back tightly, needing his hug the most. My brother. Cgc sits on the couch and looks up at me. He loves you, he mouths. I nod my head like saying I know. I love him too. I love all of these guys.

A knock at the door interrupts our hug. "I'll get it," Rhys says. He disappears into the hallway and Cgc stands up next. "If you want to leave this world, you'll have to take us with you, you know what right?" he says. A smile tugs onto my lips. Even though Cgc and I have never been in the closest, I still feel so close to him. Especially over the last couple of weeks. We may not show it enough, but we mean as much to each other as we mean to Rhys and Chris. We're all best friends.

"Bad timing?" The most beautiful voice catches my attention. I turn and Rhys walks in with Maddy. Valdez sees her and doesn't hesitate to run over and hug her. She holds her hands out to the side, confused. I smile. "I told them," I say to her "everything." About my attempt specifically. She seems to understand because she hugs him back, rubbing his back. She whispers something to him but I can't catch it from over here. "You hear me?" Cgc says, catching my attention again.

I nod. "Don't worry, I'm not going anywhere."

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"We're hanging out later on tonight, the four of us," I tell Maddy. We're currently laying in my bed and everyone knows. No more hiding my most beautiful secret. No more hiding my ugly one too. The people I love and trust the most in this world now know everything about me and my shoulders feel fucking free. A huge weight has officially been lifted from them. "That's good. I have to work on my research paper, so I'll be doing that tonight," she sighs. "How's that going?" I ask. She looks up at me, her head on my chest. "I'm interviewing your therapist actually. Dr. Crest," she says.

I furrow my brows. Although I did tell her about my depression, I never told her that I went to therapy. Therapists aren't allowed to give away who their clients are right? "Jason Crest is related to the middle-aged Dr. Crest aka your therapist. We were talking about our project and he said I could interview his clinical psychologist father. I put two and two together," she explains to me. Definitely didn't think about that. "Is it working? Therapy?" she adds when I don't answer.

I rub small circles on her back and nod. "Yeah, it's helped me a lot," I admit. She sits up a bit and turns to lay on her stomach. She rests her chin on my chest, looking at me. "Well, you can also talk to me if you ever need a nonprofessional opinion." She smiles a toothy smile. I rest my hand on her lower back and chuckle. "And vice versa. You can always talk to me," I tell her. She nods, her chin poking into my pec. "I know," she says.

Her phone vibrates next to me and I hand it to her. She's texting Nova who's in the room next door with Valdez. She's been here since the morning but was asleep earlier when I told the boys about everything. She's awake now, catching a ride with Maddy in a bit when both girls leave. She types away on her phone for a while. Nova also came in a little earlier to hug me. I'm assuming my best friend told her since she didn't know yet. I didn't mind obviously. I'm glad that she knows too.

"Valdez okay?" I ask. She stops typing and looks at me. I can only see the back of her phone right now. "Yeah," she says. I still don't know what she told him earlier so I decided I might ask. I won't get mad if she doesn't want to tell me though.

"Hey, what did you say to him earlier? When he hugged you," I ask. She finishes up a text and sets her phone down beside me again. "He thanked me for coming over that night. I told him it was a total coincidence since I thought everyone was still home. He called it fate," she smiles. My lips pull up a fraction too. Since when did Valdez start believing in fate? "I guess we're fated to be together then?" I tease.

She gasps dramatically. "Maybe we are." She winks at me. My smile only grows wider. "I love you," I say. I know she won't say it back, but I still tell her all the time. I want her to know this as much as possible even though I do repeat it every five minutes. She smiles at me and her eyes become glossy. "Hey, what's wrong?" I say, worry consuming me. She shakes her head quickly. "Nothing," she smiles "I'm just happy," she says.

My muscles relax again and I cup her cheek, wiping the one tear that slips. "Don't cry then," I say. I don't think seeing her cry will ever not make me upset too. "They're tears of happiness, Xander," she says dryly. I know they are, but still. "Those are the only tears you should be crying from now on. Or none at all," I say. She sniffles and wipes her eyes. She nods and lays her head back on my chest.

We lay in silence for a couple of minutes, taking in some of the quiet that surrounds us. "I need to find a new job," she suddenly says. I snort, failing to hold back a laugh. She got fired two days ago. She didn't go into work the day we made up because she had a hangover from the night before. She forgot to call in, so they fired her. She lifts her head up and shoots me an icy look.

There's my girl.