Xander

Notes full of research are sprawled all throughout my bed with my laptop open up in front of me. This heavy research paper isn't due for another week, but I've never been a procrastinator, so I started it when it was assigned. I'm on page four so far and am completely blanked out. I can't seem to focus and my head running with thoughts doesn't help either.

I groan with frustration and lean back against my headboard. I need some fucking motivation.

Me: almost back?

I text Rhys. He and Cgc went out to the beach today a couple of hours ago. I could use a good distraction right now but no one's home. Well, Valdez is, but he's knocked out and I don't want to wake him up. He's been working hard for football and he doesn't get much sleep. Not as much as he should be getting anyway.

I close my laptop and gather all my papers together, shoving them into one of my drawers. I'll work on the paper later on when I can actually focus.

It's only been three days since Maddy and I had that stupid. . . fight? I don't even know what to call it. Three days later, I'm still regretting my decision on telling her how I felt about her. Honestly, I don't even know why I fucking said it. It just kind of came out all at once and I couldn't take it back afterward. She heard me the first time, I knew this. I tried to play it off but I knew she heard me already.

I didn't go into that night knowing I was going to tell the girl I loved her. It wasn't even a thought in my brain. It just happened at that moment and I fucking surprised myself too. That doesn't mean I didn't mean it, because I did. I meant it even if she believed that I didn't. God, I can't believe I said it.

I've been punching myself internally for it. If I would have never said it, everything would be fine right now. Everything would still be the same and we'd be okay. I would rather have just sex with her, than not have her at all. She was right. Everything she said yesterday was right. She and I were never meant to be more than what we were. Over time though, my feelings just got deeper and I tried so many times to stop them but I couldn't.

I knew she wasn't going to react the way I would've liked her too. Knowing Maddy, I expected a little worse. Her words would've cut deeper if I actually believed them though. I don't believe her fully. I may have gotten a little ahead of myself and said she loved me back, I know that's not true. Even though it fucking hurts to admit it. I do think she has some type of feelings for me. How can she not? What we have is more than sex and she knows it. She has to.

If she doesn't, I think I might just give up on her. Loving someone who doesn't love you back kills and I can't add that on top of everything.

A knock on my door takes me out of my thoughts. I look up when the door opens. It's Valdez. I look down at my phone but don't see a reply from Rhys yet. Valdez closes the door behind him and looks around my room like he's never been in here before. I furrow my brows. "Yeah?" I ask. He looks at me, finally, and slowly crosses his arms over his chest. I can't figure him out right now.

"Quick question?" he starts. He stands at the edge of my bed and I only look at him to continue. He sits down on the edge and I move my feet to allow him the space. "How long?" he suddenly says, not making eye contact with me but with my sheets. "How long what?" I ask more annoyed now. He looks at me now and motions his head to me. "Have you been keeping a secret from me? And everyone else?" he says, easily.

My face drops slightly, but I recover quickly. "What the hell do you mean, man?" I retort. Maybe I shouldn't get defensive. If he ever found out about my depression this wasn't the way I wanted it to happen. How could he even know about it? "C'mon bro. Just tell me the truth. I think you've lied about it enough." He runs a hand through his dark brown hair. I sigh heavily and shake my head. "It's none of your business, Valdez. I don't have to tell you guys everything," I say, defensively. I need to chill out for a second.

"So then it's true?" he chuckles. Why is this funny? It's not. I glare at him, "What's so funny about it?" I retort. He holds his hands up in defense and tilts his head slightly. "Xan, chill. I'm not gonna give you shit about it. I just wanted to know why you didn't tell me about it," he says. My jaw unclenches only slightly. "It's not that serious, that's why," I say. It's kind of serious. "Not serious? This whole time I've been thinking you two fucking hated each other only to find out you're hooking up in secret? Blew my fucking mind," he shakes his head.

Oh?

"Uh, yeah," I choke out a weak chuckle "how did you find out?" I ask curiously. "Nova." He leans back onto my bed and turns to me. I furrow my brows. "Maddy told Nova?" I question. He shakes his head quickly. "This girl from her floor told her. She said she saw you walking out from Maddy's room the other day. She said some lie about picking up something for Nova. The girls didn't believe her, so they told Nova you guys were. . . you know," Valdez tells me. Fuck. I didn't think they'd say anything. At that point, I just wanted to get the hell out of her place. I wasn't even thinking about anyone catching us. Maddy's going to fucking kill me when she realizes Valdez and Nova know now.

"Yeah well, we're not gonna see each other anymore, so that's why I said it wasn't serious," I shrug my shoulders. His brows furrow again. "What happened?" he asks. Fuck it, might as well tell him everything. I explain to him how it started off between Maddy and me and then tell him all the times we saw each other and how we might have lied to them a couple of times just to see each other. Then I tell him what happened that night when those two girls saw me walking out of her room. His mouth is gaping by the end of my story. He hasn't said a word but I guess he's just trying to process it all.

"So you told her you fucking loved her?" he says loudly. "You told her you loved her?!" Another voice suddenly speaks up. My eyes widen as Rhys walks into my room. I didn't even hear him get here. Valdez jumps at the sound of his voice too. "What? How do you know?" Valdez asks out friend. Shit, I'm fucked. "I didn't I just heard you ask him that," Rhys replies. I pinch the bridge of my nose and shut my eyes for a second. "I told Rhys about it a couple of weeks ago. Maddy and I," I say, mostly to Valdez since Rhys obviously knows this.

Valdez snaps his head toward me and glares scarily at me. "You told him before me?" He points at Rhys who just stands there wide-eyed. "Maddy and I were never even going to tell anyone in the first place! I wasn't supposed to tell either of you shit," I admit. "Wait, you and Maddy are dating?" Cgc walks into my room now. How the fuck did I forget I had a third roommate? Has he been listening to this the whole time? It doesn't fucking matter anymore. This is a mess. "No, we're not dating. We were sleeping together. Not anymore, alright? Can we drop it?" I groan lightly.

"But you love her. ." Rhys says. Cgc's eyes widen. "You love her? That's a plot twist . ." he says that last sentence more quietly. I won't say that I love her out loud anymore. Valdez heard it and I guess Rhys did too. Even though I do, I rather not repeat it again. "Man, who cares? Look Valdez, I'm sorry I told Rhys first. I would not have if he hadn't been being a little shit to me, alright? If any of you would've ever found out about it, it wouldn't have been from me. Maddy didn't want anyone knowing," I explain to them.

Cgc bites down on his banana, not saying anything. "I'll talk to her," Valdez breaks the silence. I shake my head at him. "No, it's fine. I don't want to change her mind about anything. Obviously, she feels a certain way about me. I shouldn't have to change her mind. If she felt even remotely close to what I feel for her, then she would have never pushed me away. I just have to accept it as it is. I'm fine, I'll bounce back," I assure not only my best friend but Rhys and Cgc too.

"Damn, right," Rhys says. "Well I'm still in fucking shock," Valdez says, sitting on the edge of my bed again. Rhys shrugs his shoulders. He's known for a while. It's why I wasn't freaking out like Maddy when I accidentally texted her and they were together. He already knew we were a thing but obviously Maddy didn't know that he knew.

"I'm not. I kind of figured you two would fuck it out one day," Cgc shrugs and takes another bite from the brown banana. I cringe at his words. I don't like when anyone talks about us fucking. "Ohhh, I forgot to say we're kind of going out tonight, remember?" Rhys says. Great. I totally forgot. We planned on going out tonight before what happened between Maddy and me. I guess I just won't go.

"Yeah, she wanted to hang out with you guys, not me. I'm just gonna hang back." I drop back down onto my bed, holding a hand behind my head. "Why? Fuck it, just come. You don't have to talk to her," Cgc tells me. Even with everything that happened, I knew this wouldn't be the last time I would be seeing her. We share a lot of friends now but I don't want to start seeing her now. It's a little too soon and I don't think it'll be all good for my mental health.

"I'm good, seriously. I have a paper I need to work on anyway, it's due soon," I shrug my shoulder slightly. All my roommates focus on me and don't say a single word. "You sure?" Valdez asks. I only nod and use my free hand to turn my tv on. It's already close to the time they agreed to go out at. Valdez was just sleeping until Rhys and Cgc came back home. I guess he woke up earlier to tell me he figured out my secret.

After a couple of seconds, they all leave me alone in my room again. I turn off the tv I had just turned on. I don't feel like watching anything, I don't know why I turned it on. I lay down and cover myself up. I think I'll just take a nap while my friends enjoy a night out. I don't feel like being awake and alone.