Xander
TW: suic*de attempt mention

I carry up a full three bags as I walk up the hall to the dorms. The building full of dorms has an elevator, but I prefer taking the stairs. I've been skipping the gym for the past couple of days anyway. When I finally make it back to the dorm, I knock quietly on the door. I wait a full minute before a messy-haired redhead opens the door. I smile at her face, she looks miserable. She flips me off and walks back inside the dorm. I close the door quietly behind me and set the bags down on the small dresser.

"Did you fall back to sleep?" I ask her. She climbs back onto her bed and covers herself up. She doesn't lay back down though. "No, I waited for you to come back. I would've never woken up if I went back to bed," Natasha tells me. When I came over to the dorms earlier to talk to Maddy, I knew I'd be met with her roommate. I knew Maddy worked today so I didn't actually expect her to be home, so I don't know why I came.

Natasha looked confused when she saw me. Although we are friends, we don't casually hang out alone. She has a boyfriend after all. Also, everyone thinks Maddy and I hate each other — or thought —so she didn't expect to see me at her dorm. Still, I asked if I could come in and she let me. When I noticed Maddy passed out in her bed, she filled me in on their night out last night. She told me how moody she'd been in the last couple of days which I'm not gonna lie, made me smile. I'm glad you've been just as miserable as me, Maddy.

I asked her if she knew about us — Maddy and me. Yesterday, Rhys was the one who told me that Cgc brought up the whole thing at the dinner they went to, so Maddy found out that they knew. I figured she would tell Natasha, but the redhead was confused when I brought it up to her. I explained to her what happened between us and she was as shocked as everyone else who has found out so far. I told her I came over knowing Maddy would probably be at work. I don't know why my car just led me back here earlier when I was driving back home from picking up a coffee.

I told her that she'd never see me again, but there happened to be some things that I haven't gotten off my chest. I didn't get that closure that I wanted which I think would be best for me in this situation. That's why I'm here.

Since Maddy was still asleep, I told Natasha I'd drive out to the store and buy them a couple of things. I don't know her as well as I know Maddy, so she texted me a list of things to get her. I've grown to know a couple of things about the raven-haired girl I'm disappointedly in love with, so there wasn't any trouble shopping for her.

I toss Natasha the ice cream she wanted and the blue Gatorade I bought for her. She didn't ask for it but I bought them both a couple anyway. "Thanks, Xan. You can stay until she wakes up if you want, I'm gonna put on a movie," Nat says. I nod my head as she begins to pull out her laptop. Instead of staying on the spinning chair, I find my way onto Maddy's bed. The bed is twin-sized so it's smaller, but she always weirdly sleeps completely on one side of the bed, never the middle.

I sit next to her, waiting for her to wake up. She won't wake up for a good while since she got super drunk last night. Nat's words. I can't hear the movie she's watching since she plugged her headphones in but I can see she's watching it from Netflix. I can never sit through movies, so I probably have never seen it.

I move some of Maddy's hair from her face, but she doesn't budge. "I never thought I'd say this, but you guys are adorable." I look up at Nat's voice. She's looking at Maddy and me. I chuckle, "Don't get used to it. This one right here hates me." It's what she told me a couple of nights ago. I hope it's not true. "Biggest lie of 2021, calling it!" Nat says, pointing a finger at me. My smile grows. Let's hope she's right.

It isn't until thirty minutes later that Maddy starts to slowly wake up. Natasha just knocked out again like ten minutes ago. I lay down completely on Maddy's bed and wrap an arm around her waist and spoon her from behind. I know the consequences of this. She might push me off the bed completely, but I'll take it. As long as I get to hold her one more time before she does it. She makes inaudible noises and then goes stiff. My head peaks slightly over hers, so I can see her face. Her eyes are still closed. "Nat, leave me alone," she says, her morning voice the cutest thing I've ever heard.

I don't say anything, but keep a hold on her. Not too tight obviously. Her eyes slowly flutter open and she turns her head, seeing me. Her green eyes widen, but to my surprise — and the whole goddamn world's— she relaxes. "I thought you were, Nat," she says, rubbing her eyes with the palms of her hands. I arch an eyebrow at her. "You and Nat wake up like this sometimes?" I question. She turns her head and gets a view of her sleeping roommate. She turns back to me, a worried look on her face.

"She knows," I say, knowing that's what she's wondering. She groans and throws her head back down on the pillow, her eyes closing. How is she always this beautiful? "Everybody knows then," she says. I unwrap my arm from around her and sit back up on the bed. She opens her eyes and turns to look at me. "What are you doing here?" she says, her voice softer than usual. She cringes, like always, but then she stands and rushes to the door. My eyes widen and I follow after her. "Where are you going?" I say rushing close behind. "Throw up," is all she says and rushes inside the communal bathroom.

I'm about to go in there too but I remember I can't. This is an all-girls floor and I'm not about to invade their privacy. Fuck. I knock on the door and inch towards it. "Are you okay?" I ask behind the door. I can't hear shit. I knock again after a couple of seconds of no response. "Madison Hayes, hello?" I push. A couple of seconds later, the door opens and she stands there, looking paler than usual. "I just threw up last night dinner and drinks," she says, her hair disheveled. I smile. I know she'd hate if I ever saw her the way she is right now.

"Can you go get me my toothbrush and shower stuff?" she asks me. I nod and rush back to her room, getting her things and a towel. Surprisingly, Nat's still knocked out. I return with her things as she waits with the door open. "Thanks," she says, taking the things from me. I only nod again and turn around to leave her to do her thing. "Don't-" she says. I turn back around at her voice. "Don't what?" I ask. Her green eyes stay on my brown ones, her face not expressionless. She looks. . . a bit worried. "Can you wait? In my dorm? I won't take long," she says.

I nod for the third time. "Take your time," I say. She nods back, repeatedly, before closing the door. I head back to her dorm and wait for her on her bed, once again.

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Maddy comes back into her dorm thirty minutes later. She puts her stuff away and gets back into her bed next to me. "Sorry, I look terrible right now," she says, not looking at me. I don't think she's ever actually admitted that out loud. I shake my head. "You don't," I say. She looks up at me and smiles a little. I want to grab her hand, but I hold back. "So. . ." she starts "what are you doing here?" she asks. I sit up straighter from my slumped position.

I had certain things I wanted to tell her when I came over today and now they've all flown over my head. "I'm sorry," she says again. I doubt it's about how she looks again. She covers her face with her palms shortly, shaking her head. "I was an asshole the other day, I didn't-" she pauses, looking up at me "I didn't mean what I said," she whispers. My heart clenches at her words. She sounds fucking sincere, but I can't get hurt by her. It's the last thing I want.

I would never hurt her, not intentionally at least, and I want to be able to say that she'll never hurt me, but I don't know if I can. Maybe we were supposed to end things a couple of nights ago but it doesn't feel that way. Being without her already feels wrong. I can't even remember a time when we weren't together anymore. She's consumed me whole and it's only been a couple of months.

"What part?" I ask. I need to hear more from her. I know how I feel about her and I've known for a while now. If she feels even some kind of way towards me — whether it's love or hate — I need to know now. "It was just sex for me at first, but over time it changed. I don't know how. Maybe it's because we started talking more or because you're the only fucking guy who understands me and can actually deal with me, but it changed. I can't sit here and tell you that I love you because-"

"Because you'd be lying," I finish for her. She looks up at me, barely. I thought she was more confident, but talking about her feelings is always harder for her. She can never look me in the eye and tell me how she feels. She nods slowly. "I like you, Xander, and laugh in my face but I've missed you these past couple of days more than I've ever missed anyone else in my whole life," she says, immediately cringing. Still, my lips pull up. I would never force her to tell me how she feels, no matter how much I'd want her to. The fact that she's even telling me no matter how much she hates doing it, means something more to me.

She grabs both sides of my face and leans in a little closer, our faces only inches apart. "I see you, too, okay? I think we both know each other better than we realize. If you can find it in your heart to forgive me," a tear slips from her eyes. I've never seen her cry before, but I don't like it at all. I wipe it from her face quickly before she can. She smiles in thanks. "I need you to be 100% with me, okay? Just because we started off as a secret doesn't mean we should have any between us," she finishes.

Her hands drop from my face to my neck and she sniffles lightly. "Talk to me," she says. Of course, I'm going to forgive her. There was no way I was going to be able to stay away from her now that she's a fucking part of me. I just needed some reassurance on her part. I'm okay with the fact that she doesn't love me because I know she can get there. I love easily, she doesn't. I get that. I'll be here when she finally gets there, just like I told her. But I can't lie to her anymore. I don't want to hide anything from her anymore. From anyone.

"That night," I say "the night of the bar opening? I told Valdez that I didn't feel like going out because I was feeling sick, which was a lie since I ended up going anyway. But I probably would've never made it there if it wasn't for you," I tell her. She looks at me confused and I clear my throat. Talking about my past suicide attempts has never been easy. I hate doing it too. "Ever since my pops died, I haven't been okay, Maddy. He was someone who I loved so much, someone who I looked up to and wanted to be like. When he died, he took a piece of me with him forever. Then he left me here, to figure out this life without him," I say. Another tear falls from her glossy eyes, she wipes it this time before I do it for her.

"I knew it'd have some kind of effect on me forever, I just never thought that effect would be depression. I was diagnosed with it a couple of months after he passed and well I've been dealing with it ever since. It got really bad after football season and the night of the bar opening, I didn't go because I was feeling like shit. Mentally. Before you showed up, I was getting ready to," I swallow the huge lump in throat "to kill myself again. But you showed up right before I took the pills," I admit. Her tears are flowing out more, I wipe them since she doesn't. Her eyes widen slightly in horror. That's the last thing I wanted. I don't like putting my shit on others and scaring them.

"I-I said some terrible things that night, and even before" she chokes out. I wince slightly. Despite what she said, she had no negative effect on me. If I would have taken my own life, it would have never been because of any of the things Maddy said. I didn't take her words to heart ever. But I get what she means. I don't want her to blame herself though. "I don't care. You saved me from myself that night. It's the night I felt my feelings for you shift, I didn't know it then, but I figured it out later. If I would have gone with what I was planning on doing, it was never because of anything you did or said, so don't blame yourself," I tell her.

Her shaky hand finds mine and I pull her to my chest. Her tears fall onto my t-shirt, but I don't care. "I'm sorry, Xander," she says in a sob. I kiss her head for a long moment and shake my head. "I love you, don't apologize to me, please," I tell her. She wraps her arms tightly around my waist, holding onto me. "I'm such a shitty person. I don't deserve you at all." My heart breaks at her words. I once thought the cutthroat things she'd say about me would hurt but nothing hurts more than her talking down on herself. She's one of the best people I know. Call me stupid for saying that, but I mean it.

"No, God, don't say shit like that." I lift her chin so that her eyes meet mine. Tears still stream down her cheekbones, her cheeks full of pink splotches. "You're not the shittiest person I know," I say. She chokes out a small laugh which makes me smile. "No, you're one of the best people I know," I say honestly. She shakes her head. "You are. No matter what you believe," I add. "You should hate me," she mutters.

Should I? I don't think that's even remotely possible.

"Naah. I'll stick with loving you instead," I say and hunch over just a bit to peck her lips. "How can you even say that and mean it?" she asks me. I move hair that sticks to her cheeks from her tears. "Because I've never meant anything more. I love you, don't question it," I tell her. She plays with the chain around my neck. "What if I never get there?" her voice is soft again. I furrow my eyebrows slightly. I want her to get to the point where she loves me and I think she can do it, but it worries me a fraction that she doesn't believe it herself. If that's what she means by that question at least.

"We'll cross that bridge when we get there. If we ever do." I don't want to think about that right now. I rather just have this moment right here. She nods and wipes her nose with her baggy sweater. She peeks her head over my arm to her roommate, who I completely forgot about until now. She smiles at her, but Nat's still asleep, snoring lightly. "How did Nat get ice cream?" It's probably melted by now. "I brought it for her from the store when she told me you guys were hungover," I tell her.

She looks away from her and back at me. "You went to the store for us?" she asks. I nod and then she lays her head back against my chest. "Thanks," she says. I brush her hair back and rub her back in comfort. "My heads pounding," she suddenly says. I laugh. "I got something for that too. Don't worry."