Maddy

I've had the designs for all of my swim line done for a day now but I haven't shown anyone. I thought I might just say fuck it and let everyone see them after I present them to my class, but God knows I'm way too impatient for that. So, I'll show one person. Someone who doesn't know all that much about design because I need a real opinion. I know if I show Nova, she'll automatically say how amazing they are. Yes, I'd gladly accept the praise, but I need the brutal truth.

Now that I think about it, Xander's opinion may be biased too. Oh well, he's still a guy. I want to show him the men ones that I made and hopefully, he can give me some advice on them. Max has been the one trying them on for me and he said he liked them, but maybe Xander will have a different opinion? Who knows. Anyway, I still have time to tweak things since this assignment isn't due for another couple of weeks. I like getting ahead of myself with things especially whenever I feel passionate about them. I know a lot of my classmates who are still in the designing phase.

Even though work and classes keep me busy, I've still been dedicating a lot of my time to this final project. Hence why I've already finished all my designs so early.

When I hear a knock on my door, I rush over to open it and pull Xander in immediately. I shut the door behind him quickly. "Did anyone see you?" I ask. "Nah." I give him a thumbs up and turn around to walk over to my bed. Before I can get far, he grabs a hold of my waist and forces me back against him. I turn my head a little to look up at him. "Not even a kiss?" he says, furrowing his brows. I tiptoe as much as I can and plant a quick peck on his lips, walking into my room again right after. Luckily, Natasha only left about thirty minutes ago to go hang out with some of the girls on our floor and they won't be back for a couple of hours.

I hear him chuckle behind me. He takes off his windbreaker and throws it on top of my bed, sitting on my chair. "Okay," I say, picking up the first bathing suit and hiding it behind my back. It's the first one I designed. The top is a lighter shade of purple—periwinkle if you will— and the underwear is white, but covered in flowers colored purple, orange, and pink with green small leaves. I think it's the cutest one I made, but definitely not my favorite. I pull it out from behind my back and show him both pieces. He tilts his head to the side, scrutinizing them. He doesn't say anything. My face drops, "What? You don't like it?" I ask.

He shakes his head. "No, I'm just having a hard time really getting the idea of how it'll actually look when someone wears it," he smirks. No, he won't. "I think you might have to try it on for me," he says. I fucking knew it. I roll my eyes, "Seriously, Xander?" He shrugs his shoulders. "I mean it looks cool, yeah," he says nonchalantly. I flip him off and he smiles. "Turn around," I order. I can still see the grin on his face as he spins in my chair. I slip off the sweats and thong I have on, slipping on the panties first, tying them on both sides of my hip like they're designed. "I'm shocked you didn't say something stupid like I always see you naked," I tell him.

He chuckles, "Well, yeah, but if you're gonna put on a fashion show for me then I'll gladly be respectful." I smile, tying the bra at the back. "What a gentleman. You can turn now," I say. He doesn't waste a second, spinning back around on the chair. His eyes flit up and down my body and my face flushes lightly. "Well?" I say. "Turn around, let me see the back," he says dryly, not paying attention to anything but my body. I roll my eyes playfully and do a small spin for him. He nods his head, his eyes finding mine. "I love it, it's amazing. I'd definitely recommend it."

I know he's appreciating it even more now that it's on my body, but I know he actually means it, so I smile. "Okay," I shoo him with my hand "turn, I'm gonna do the next one." He looks once more before turning around in the chair. I slip both of the items off and pull up the yellow panties from the next one. I found some 80's retro-themed fabrics at the store and decided to get them for one piece. I just had to sew them to my liking. The top is blue, the colors actually match well together. They both have different patterns on them but they're not crazy enough to make someone's eyes hurt.

"Turn, turn," I say. He does and I place my hands on my hips, leaning my hips to one side and then the other. His expression is the same as the first time. "This one's nice, I like the patterns on them." He tries his best to talk fashion with me, which I appreciate. "Yes, but if your girlfriend was wearing this would you like it or hate it?" I ask, theoretically, of course. "Well, you're wearing it and I love it, so there's your answer," he says. I'm not your girlfriend though, I almost say. "Okay.." I say. He turns around already figuring I would tell him to anyway.

I pull both off again and slip on the panties of the next one again. This one also has a retro-ish stylish pattern on it except its multiple colors are pastel. I did the sort of french braid thing with the straps of both the panties and top. The top takes a little longer to put on because it has extra straps that go around the upper part of the belly. This one is definitely my favorite. I like the way it fits me the most so I hope I'm able to keep at least this one. "This is my absolute favorite," I say. He turns around and admires the bathing suit on my body.

"Do you love it? I've really been liking this design lately and even though I was a little iffy about making another two-piece, I had to because I've been raving to Nova about bikinis in this style. Then I found the perfect fabric for it after days and I got so excited because the look just kind of came together all at once. I just hope nobody makes something similar to this because then I'll be upset that I did-" I stop babbling, luckily, when I notice Xander staring at me. He doesn't say anything, but I think I might've just been talking way too quickly and annoyed him. "What?" I ask, smiling, but dropping my hands to my sides nervously. "I think I love you," he says in almost a whisper.

My smile fades quickly and my brows furrow together in confusion. Did I hear that right? Definitely not. Of course not. "W-what?" I stutter. He clears his throat and stands up quickly. "I-uh, I don't know," he says. I shift on my feet anxiously. "No, what did you say, Xander?" I'm pretty sure I can decipher what I heard, but I just need to hear him say it again to confirm my thoughts. He pinches the bridge of his nose, "I said, I love you, Maddy," he breathes out as if it hurts him to say again. At least now I know my ears weren't playing tricks on me.

I don't believe him though. Not one bit. I can't. He can't. "No."

"Yes," he says.

"No, Xander, stop," I raise a hand at him "you don't love me and you can't just say those words out loud and expect me to believe them," I say. My chest falls and rises quicker than I'd like. "I do, Maddy. I fucking do. I know it. I've been. . . contemplating it, but I know now that I do," he says. He doesn't move from where he stands and neither do I. I don't think I want him any closer to me though. "No, Xander," I say firmly "this, what we have, it's just sex and nothing more. You can't love me." My voice raises just a little bit louder in defense. He must be out of his complete utter mind if he thinks I believe the words coming out of his mouth.

The first night Xander kissed me was. . . crazy to say the least. Even though he left me wanting more than what he gave me that one night, I knew it was wrong. I couldn't be with him and I knew I shouldn't be. I still remember back in those days when he was the biggest piece of shit to me, calling me names and being the number one pain in my ass. I've never disliked a person as much as I do Xander. Since that night at that party when he decided to put in his two cents about a hookup of mine with Nova, I haven't liked him. He's not the person I see and would automatically consider befriending. He's just not that person in my life. Even today.

I don't know why I ever kissed him that night, why I helped him even. I didn't like him and I should've left him in that alley alone that evening to fend for himself. I think I'm becoming a little too nice all over again and that's exactly how I'm going to get hurt. I'll be honest and say that I don't think that Xander is a terrible human being but he's not one I actually like either. So why and how I let it get this far, baffles me.

"See, that's where you're wrong. It's not just sex and you know it. We hang out all the fucking time, sometimes without having sex. We went from not liking being within 20 feet from each other to hanging out almost every single fucking day. You can't say nothing's changed because everything's changed and you know it too. You're just too scared to admit it to yourself." He clenches his jaw slightly, making me do the same thing. "And you? Have you changed? I don't think you have, no. You're still the same, shitty personality I met all those months ago, Xander. You're still the biggest player I know and that'll never change. Just because we're not the best of friends doesn't mean I don't know you. And, I still despise you, don't get it twisted."

I bend over and pick up my sweats, sliding them on. I can't believe I'm fighting with this guy half-naked. Half naked me is what got him to say words as stupid as 'I love you'. "Yeah, and I know you. You're just spitting out bullshit, Madison. You love me the same way I love you. Friends with benefits, booty call, whatever the fuck you wanna call this, they don't do what we do. I can fucking guarantee you I don't lay up with a female naked after sex. Or even talk about the shit that we do. Not until you at least. Do you? Do you do that shit? I know you've slept with plenty of guys before me too." He steps closer. I put on my crop top that I had on before too.

I don't know what he's trying to do but if it's trying to make me realize that I'm in love with him too, then he's doing a shitty job. "Calling women females? How lovely of you." I fake smile. He rolls his eyes and shakes his head. "I asked you a question," his voice comes out harder than usual. I'd be mad too if I could get any girl I've ever wanted and the best one is rejecting me. "No, I don't do that, but what the hell does that have to do with anything? It's a fucking cuddle, Xander, not me confessing my love to you," I tell him. He scoffs, "You know we do other shit that you or I've never done with someone we just have sex with."

I swallow the nervous lump in my throat. I don't want to be having this conversation now or ever. This is what I was avoiding, what I've always avoided. I didn't think Xander of all people would be expressing his 'love' to me.

"What can I do to make you understand that what you're feeling isn't love?"

"Nothing, man. I know what I'm feeling."

"You don't though."

"I do."

"You don't."

"I do."

"God, I can't stand you. I'm serious," I say frustrated. He comes closer so that he's standing in front of me, but I don't take a step back. "And I can't stand you, but I still love you and I mean that. You do too or maybe you don't yet, but you'll get there. I told you, remember? I'll be here. For whenever that happens," he says. I look at him for a couple of seconds. How is he so calm now? I roll my eyes and walk past him, standing where he previously was. "No. I won't get there, ever. This didn't mean to me what is obviously meant to you. My feelings for you have never changed, Xander. I used you for sex, don't you get it? We were friends with benefits and that's it," I say sternly.

"Oh, you used me?" he asks. I nod a bit unconfidently, cringing at myself because of it. "I didn't want to continue this after the first time, but I missed having sex and well, you happened to be good enough to keep around, so I did." I shrug. I can't believe I'm still trying to convince him. Usually, people see my expressionless face and just get it. I was never in it for more than a good time why can't he understand that? He starts walking to me again, slowly. "Xander, stop." I hold my hand out, but he keeps walking forward not caring. I drop my hand before his chest crashes with it. He stands in front of me and I look off to the side.

"Look at me, Madison."

"Don't call me that," I say through clenched teeth.

"I'll call you what I want. Listen to me," he retorts. I turn my head slowly to face him, "What?" I speak lowly. "If this really meant nothing to you like you say it did, look me in the eyes and say it. I promise I'll leave you alone and never talk to you again." His face is so close to mine that I feel his warm breath against my lips. He's serious right now? I'm sure we'll talk again because he'll come back, but I am not going to be here waiting. Also, I see him all the time because of Christian and Novalee.

Christian and Novalee.. I hope they never have to find out about this.

I swallow the lump that previously formed in my throat due to the closeness of Xander. I say, "This meant nothing to me. It was just sex." I make sure to clarify that so that he'll finally understand it. His eyes search mine for any strand of evidence that I may be lying. Then, he smiles. He literally fucking smiles. "Alright, then." He pulls back, standing at 6'2 again. He grabs his windbreaker from my bed. "See you around," he says as he walks toward my door and leaves. I rush after him, but not to stop him. I can't let anyone see him leave my room.

With my luck, Sara and Julianna walk out from the communal bathrooms, seeing not only Xander but me. His eyes flit to them briefly, "Girls." I roll my eyes. They smile at him and then look at me, knowingly. Xander descends the stairs that lead out of my hall. "He just came to get something for Nova," I manage not to trip over my words. They nod their heads and just walk away. I close my door and lean back against it, letting out the breath I'd been holding in.

The two things I didn't want to happen, happened in one night. Perfect.