Xander
Tw: mentions of suic*de attempt

My eyes take a hot minute to flutter open completely. I might have allowed myself to get fucking drunk last night. After almost killing myself and being surprisingly saved by the ice queen herself, I think I needed a little night to let go. It's why I decided to join my friends at the bar last minute. I was going to catch a ride in my car until I saw Maddy was still in the parking lot. Might as well have annoyed her a little bit more. She doesn't know that she stopped me from doing something terrible. I don't even want to think about it anymore. That's my third time I've almost ended my life.

Each time before, I stopped myself. I told myself that it wasn't worth it. The temporary pain I was feeling was exactly what it was. Temporary. Somehow, someday, it would get better. I just had to keep living and one day I'd get there. After yesterday, I think I can get there again. It probably won't be my last time saying that but it's worth a fucking shot. I'm alive. I deserve to be, I think.

When my vision clears, I see three heads hovering over me. I flinch immediately. "Hey, buddy," Cgc says. I pull my hands up from under my blankets and push all of their faces back. They stand up straight and I sit up on my bed. They all knew I wasn't going home this year, so I figured they planned this. Today is February 27th. My father's birthday. They know how difficult this day is for me though they've never actually spent the day with me. I'm usually home with my mom, brother, and sisters. It's why I was so terrible yesterday. My thoughts consumed me all at once. I wanted to be able to see my dad on his birthday even though I knew that it was impossible.

"What are you freaks doing?" I ask. I appreciate their concern, really, but I don't need them hovering over my bed like idiots until I wake up. I start to wonder about how long they were actually there, staring at me sleep. "You wanna do something today?" Rhys asks. My head pounds and I'm shocked they're not still asleep. We all got drunk last night, taking Ubers home. I look at the clock on my nightstand. 12:34 pm. Well, it's not as early as I figured. I know even if I say no, they'll keep being around me anyway. "Sure," I say.

They all look surprised but don't show it for too long. "Cool, be ready in thirty." Valdez smacks my shoulder and they all leave my room. "I'm showering first!" I shout. Valdez is the only one of us who has his own bath and shower. I have no idea how Cgc let him snag that room, but there was no fight about it. Rhys, Cgc, and I share the hall bathroom. I gather my things and a towel before heading to the bathroom. I open up the mirror that has small shelves. I search for the ibuprofen and take 3. Maybe it'll help ease the headache. I swallow the pills with no help from water.

I hope the water from the shower will help me too. I usually shower with cold water, but I turn on the hot one today instead. I've also been sore for like a week since I've been working out so much. The warm water feels fucking amazing against my bare skin. I close my eyes and lean my head back, the water rolling down my face and chest. My mind reverts back to yesterday's events. God, it was horrible. Sometimes when I recall the memories of me attempting to take my life, I hate myself. I hate how weak I feel and I hate that I even think about doing it.

I always say I'd be better off dead, but that's not true. I can't even imagine the pain it would put my mom through. Not only losing one but two members of her family in a span of fewer than 5 years. Having depression wasn't a choice I made. It happened because of everything I went through with my dad's passing. If there was a way I could get rid of this forever, I would. I think I might start getting on my antidepressants again. Maybe that'll help a little bit.

Yesterday, the only reason I stopped was because I interrupted by Maddy. If her plans never would have gotten mixed up, I don't know where I'd be right now. If I'd even still be here. I start to think about the bar when we both got there. I can't deny the fact that I'm insanely fucking attracted to her. I don't know what it is about her that gets to me. And not in a bad way. Not like I get to her. I've always thought she was attractive, but after that one night where her opinion of me changed, mine did too. I still think she's a little brat and sometimes I'd rather hear nails on a chalkboard than her little remarks. The fact that she was able to get me to feel the way she did yesterday?

Well, that's something that I've been thinking about since last night.

My attraction to her only got higher whenever I was drunk last night. I swear I almost flat out told her how good she looked. While I tend to act and do stupid shit when I'm drunk, even drunk me realized that I should never compliment Maddy. That's not a relationship we share. Although seeing her dance with Cgc did produce a new feeling for me. Jealousy. I was fucking jealous of her dancing with my friend and I knew it too. I had to tear my eyes away from the two multiple times because I simply didn't like the sight of them together, that close.

God, who am I? I don't like this.

Still, I can't stop thinking about how amazing she looked last night. Normally, I don't allow myself to even check her out for more than a second. Yesterday, I did. More than once too. Thinking about her now sends a hot sensation directly to my dick. Fuck. Her long legs appeared even longer under her jeans because of the heels she wore. Her seethrough shirt allowed me to get a peek of her actual skin, something she isn't afraid of showing but still, makes me feel something.

Focusing on my mental health—or at least trying to—hasn't allowed me to do as much hooking up as I'd like. I haven't slept with anyone since Cgc's birthday on the 4th. My hand instinctively slips down my abdomen and I grab my shaft, pumping it twice. I need some kind of fucking release. My mind consequently floods with images of Maddy and of me fucking her. It's something I never thought would get me off, but here we are.

I grip onto my length tightly, pumping quickly. I realize my friends might still need to shower. I keep my groans low, biting down on my lower lip for help. "Shit," I breathe out as my orgasm comes quickly. I suppress the thoughts of Maddy quickly and continue on with my shower, trying to act like that didn't just happen.

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"I'm just fucking ready for spring break," Cgc says, buttering some bread with his knife. I've spent the whole day with my best friends, going bowling first and now we're at a restaurant. Unlike the last time we went bowling, I'm actually having a pretty good time right now. My dad's still a thought in the back of my mind, like always, but I'm not letting it get to me too much. I FaceTimed my mom earlier while she was at the cemetery, leaving the flowers I got for my dad and some other ones she got herself. I might have not been there in person, but I'm glad she called me and let me be a part of that moment.

"Me fucking too," I admit. I haven't even realized how much I need time away from school to have fun with my three best friends. Plus, something crazy is always bound to happen because if it doesn't, it's not really a spring break for us.

Freshman year: Valdez accidentally slept with a guy's girlfriend—she didn't mention she had a boyfriend— and he and his friends found us and tried kicking our asses.

Sophomore year: We had to run away from the cops because they caught us with alcohol. Obviously, we got away.

I just wonder what it'll be this year. Chris has a girlfriend now and him and Cgc are also 21 meaning we won't have to use our fake IDs if we want alcohol. Whatever it is, I can't wait for it. I need some kind of rush in my life right now. I think it'll serve me well. The waitress returns with our food, finally. She sets down my steak in front of me. Usually, I steer clear of meat, but I crave a fat steak every once in a while. I start eating, not even waiting for anyone else. "You and Nov okay? I heard you guys..arguing this morning?" This catches my attention. I look up at my best friend who sits in front of me and next to Cgc who asks him this.

His statement comes out more like a question. "We're fine. Just trying to figure out how we're gonna do it when she's in New York for three months to film. I thought I was going to be able to go, but being Captain and all, I don't think I can. Coach was already telling me all the shit he wants me to do in the summer before we start practicing again in July," He tells us.

Cgc chews on his steak, nodding. I think he's been doing better now. He hasn't talked about the Orange Bowl when before he'd bring it up any chance he got. He's also. . .behaving—if you'll call it that— more now.

"It was nothing serious though, we worked it out," Valdez assures us. I'm glad they were able to talk about it and fix it quickly. I think it'd be a shock to all of us if they were to break up. Honestly, I don't really see that happening though. After all they've been through, I doubt they'd let something as little as that break them up. "Talk to your mom today?" Rhys asks me, I'm guessing. I nod, "Yeah, earlier." I tell him and he smiles. He has this weird fucking fascination with my mom it's weird. "Shut the fuck up," I say even though he doesn't say anything.

Despite today being only one of the saddest days of the year for me, I'm glad I was actually able to spend it with my friends and have a good day at that. It's been a while since I've had one of those but I don't think it'll be the last either. I just hope this isn't the peak of one of my happiest moments. The year just began after all.