Xander

After spending most of the day at the beach, Cgc decided we should spend the rest of the night at a nightclub. We walked the streets of LA for about an hour before finally finding one we thought was good enough to stay at. Like probably any other Friday night, it's full to the brim with people. We struggled to find a couple of seats close to the dance floors and bar. The place is pretty big which is good except it means more people fit in here.

I've been feeling a lot better lately since the stress from midterms is off my shoulders now. I'm slowly getting back to the better version of myself but the worse version comes out to play now and then. Sometimes when I least expect it. Right now, I'm having a good time. I've had a couple of shots now, the buzz hitting me slowly. I started taking my antidepressants again since I started going to therapy. It was a struggle getting used to them again at first, but I feel good now. I just hope the amount of alcohol I hope to consume this week won't fuck with my mental state.

The music blares throughout the place and people dance and sing along all around us. Nova and Christian are the only ones dancing right now. We got here about an hour ago so not much has happened yet. Maddy sits next to Cgc who sits next to me. We make sure to keep a distance between us just like we usually would, but I can't help but glance at her every two fucking seconds. She wears a strapless white dress with some heels that tie around her calves. I don't know one thing about women's fashion but I do know that Maddy's the best-dressed woman that I know.

She looks amazing in anything.

Cgc takes me out of my thoughts when he elbows my ribs. My injured ribs. I try not to wince so he won't ask what's wrong. I lied to my friends and said I tripped, they don't know how badly my ribs were fucking hurt. He takes a shot and then points at something straight ahead. I follow his finger and it's directed at two girls that dance somewhat near Novalee and Christian. We obviously don't know anyone from here, so they're unfamiliar to me. "What about them?" I ask Cgc. "Come with me to talk to them." He looks at them a little longer before turning to me.

I hesitate, looking over at Maddy. She's looking at me, her jaw muscles twitching. Her gaze drifts from me to Cgc. She taps his shoulder, getting his attention. I furrow my brows as he turns to look at her. She leans in and whispers something in his ear. He nods quickly and stands up. My eyes never leave her and she gets up after him. They walk together towards the dance floor. Seriously?! They stand close to our other friends and Maddy wraps her slender arms around Cgc's neck. She asked him to dance.

She doesn't look at me anymore and I roll my eyes internally. I don't want to look pissed. I'm not pissed and I have no right to be anyway. She can do whatever the hell she wants. Rhys scoots closer to me and shows me a picture on his phone. It's of him. I look at him disgusted. "What?" I ask. He just took it right now I can tell. "Should I post this on Insta?" he asks me. I narrow my eyes at him glancing at the picture on his phone again. He looks cute. "Sure, kid," I say. He smiles and scoots away from me again, tapping away on his phone.

I've just realized that Rhys and I have sort of drifted apart these last three months. I mean, I've been drifting apart from all my friends because of my depression but Rhys and I are actually good friends. During the season, I went out a lot and it was usually with Rhys. We all enjoy going out, but Rhys and I are the ones who enjoy it the most. He goes for the booze and I went for the booze, women, and the fun as well. I can't even count on two hands how many times we've gotten shit-faced together.

One time we both woke up on the front lawn of the Alpha house. We've been through some crazy shit me and him and I'm now just fucking realizing how much I miss doing all that. I miss being that Xander. Not because of the fun I got out of it but because that's truly the real me. I'm a crazy motherfucker and I've never hidden from it. Depression kills a person. I feel like it's been slowly rotting me these past couple of months. I hope I can start getting back to normal soon because I miss when I wasn't a total loser.

I glance back at Cgc and Maddy unintentionally. They're not too close like Chris and Nova who are practically inside each other's skin. I don't like that she's dancing with him but it's not like I can step in and take over. I think she did it because she overheard our conversation about those girls. I wasn't even going to join Cgc just because it didn't feel right somehow. I know I'm not obligated to Maddy and she isn't to me but I still wouldn't do it right in her face.

We are sleeping together after all.

Chris and Nova make their way back to sit down, both taking a drink from their glasses of water. The ice already melted, condensation pooling outside the glass. He looks over at me and tilts his head, winking at me. I smile. He motions his head for me to come over as he's sitting all the way across from me. I scoot over to him and then he motions his head to them. I don't want to look again. "No fucking clue," is all I say. I look at Nova who I know is staring right at them. "Sometimes I think they still like each other," she says. A spike of jealousy shoots through me. I know that's not the case, so I don't know why it makes me mad.

Maybe because they make it fucking seem like they're still fucking on the low. Cgc is a natural flirt and so is Maddy so maybe that's why. Plus, they've gotten closer throughout the months. I know she hangs out with Max and him more than she hangs out with the rest of us. We had a brief conversation about this. She and Cgc. She told me she doesn't like him like that anymore and never saw herself with him as anything more than a hookup. She said she shocked herself with the fact that she actually became his friend. That was it. We didn't talk about it anymore.

"Nah," Valdez says. "They kind of look like siblings when you look at them for a little too long," he adds. I look at him and furrow my brows. He looks at me, "Look at them and tell me they do not look like brother and sister." He points his free hand over to them. I don't want to look. I turn my head and look at them. They're no longer dancing anymore, instead they sit on either side of Rhys, all in a conversation. I look at Cgc and then at Maddy. They have the same black hair, green or blue eyes depending on the lighting, and well, they're white.

I look back at Valdez who stares at me like see. I roll my eyes, "Alright, maybe they do." Now it just makes the fact they slept together even weirder. I hold in my laugh, deciding I'll tease her about it later. Unlike everyone else, I'm not scared to push her buttons. I can handle her and her attitude.

"We're doing shots!" Rhys yells with his hand's cupped around his mouth. "Perfect," Christian says dryly. We did a couple of them already when we first arrived. The three of us scoot closer to the rest of our friends as someone brings us a tray full of shots. There are twelve, so two for each of us. "Oo wait, let me vlog this!" Nova says as we all pick up a shot.

A couple of weeks ago she decided that she wanted to make a YouTube channel and post vlogs. She doesn't do daily ones, not wanting to stress herself out that much but she films every now and then. She has about ten videos up so far and I've probably been in each one at least once. Christian is supportive of his girlfriends new found hobby and the rest of us don't really mind either. Some of the shit we do just to make the videos interesting is pretty fucking funny.

Chris holds the phone for her, his arm being longer, and records all of us taking the shot. "Cheers!" Maddy says. I down the tequila, not missing the burning sensation down my throat. "Holy shit, that one was terrible." I tend to not use chasers and I don't have one right now so I tough out the rough taste. "Next one, fast," Rhys says. We all pick the next one up and it's no better than the first. I try not to gag at that one, grabbing onto my stomach. Yeah, I think that's enough alcohol for me tonight.

⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶⊷⋆⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶

We catch two separate Ubers back to the condo about two hours later. Most of my friends are drunk, including me. I lied when I said I was done drinking for the night. I'm still somewhat decent, being able to walk upstairs and all. Valdez and Novalee cling onto each other up ahead of me and everyone else follows up behind me. We're all quiet though, taking in the drunkness. I think we all might have hangovers tomorrow morning.

Once I make it to my room at the end of the hall, I shut the door immediately. I contemplate taking a quick shower but pass on it after realizing I might pass out in there. I pull off my flannel, shirt, shoes, and jeans, climbing straight into bed. The temperature inside of the house is freezing as hell as we've all gotten used to keeping the one at our house at 69 degrees. The only light in my room comes from the small lamp attached to the wall above the nightstand.

I switch it off, my eyes already drooping heavily. Once my head hits the pillow my eyes close until the sound of my door opening and then closing interrupts my fatigue. "What, Cgc?" I muffle out into my pillow. A body sinks the mattress even more next to me and I groan. I flip on the lamp again and turn my body to see the person next to me. It's not one of my roommates who I thought drunkenly made their way into my room. It's Maddy.

My eyes widen a bit as she lays on her back, looking up at me with a huge smile on her face. Spending more time with her has shown me that she does in fact know how to smile, but she doesn't smile this much. Unless she's drunk of course — she very much is right now. "What are you doing here, sneaky?" I say in almost a whisper. I look towards the door. "It's locked," she says. My panic spiked a little thinking she might have forgotten to do that.

"You said we'd better see each other tonight," she says, capturing my attention back to her. I furrow my brows, feigning confusion. "I already saw you tonight. At the club, remember? We were both there," I deadpan. She rolls her green irises, pushing my bare chest gently. "You're not funny," she slurs. I tuck a piece of her dark hair behind her ear. "I'm not trying to be," I tell her. Her eyes narrow in on my lips, causing me to smile. As much as I would like to do more than what we're doing now, she's too drunk.

"Look at me," I say. Her eyes stay on my mouth a little longer before she looks back into my eyes. "Not tonight," I shake my head. She frowns slightly, knowing what I'm talking about without me even having to say it. "You're too drunk," I clarify. She's in some sweats and a long sweater crop top, a matching set. Her body isn't under the comforter like mine, so I see her fully. She crosses her thin arms over her chest. "I am not," she tries her best to say it without slurring her words. I smile. She definitely is.

"It's our first night here, we'll get another opportunity," I assure her. She finally pulls the covers up to cover her body. "You promised, Xander," she doesn't try hiding the slur anymore. I shake my head quickly, "I promised nothing." This is true, I only told her that we should see each other tonight. I didn't think we'd both be drunk by the end of the night. I'm a bit more coherent than her, but I won't bring that up.

"Fine, but I'm not tired, so I'm not sleeping." She raises her chin, showing confidence no matter how drunk she might be. I roll my eyes. I'm less tired now, but still very tired. "What can I do to put you to sleep? You need rest," I tell her. A small smirk forms her lips and I put my finger over her lips, already knowing what she's thinking. She snatches my finger, squeezing it tightly in her fist. It doesn't hurt one bit, but I pull away anyway. "Do not shush me, Xander." Her words come out icy as usual but less confident with at least one stutter.

"I knew what you were gonna say," I tell her.

She shakes her head, "You didn't."

"I did." Her green eyes narrow towards me, "What was I gonna say?" she challenges. "You were gonna say something about me fucking you to sleep," I say what was once on the tip of her tongue. She rolls her eyes dramatically. "You couldn't do that even if you tried. I was not going to say that," she retorts. I raise my brows slightly. "You don't know what I can do," I say. She studies my face, "Of course I can, we've had sex before. Plenty of times." She's not wrong, but not totally right. I don't push the subject of sex any further. "What were you going to say then?" I ask curiously.

"You mean before you rudely interrupted me?" she retorts. I roll my eyes and give in. "Yes," I say. Her face holds a scowl, not liking that I just agreed with her. I think she likes it when I don't since it's been like that for so long. "I was going to say to tell me about yourself and that'll bore me enough to sleep," she says easily. I narrow my eyes this time, making sure not to show any expression on my face. I know she likes being mean to me but I don't know why I thought it would lessen now that we are whatever we are. A couple of weeks ago, this comment would have not bothered me.

It's not a couple of weeks ago anymore.

"Unlike you, I am tired, so I think you should just go to your room and try to sleep." I turn back around and lay down, just like I was doing before she came in. I feel her prop her body up with her elbow behind me. She places her cold hand on my back and starts rubbing circles on it with her nail. She doesn't say anything. I sigh, "I mean it, Maddy. You can't fucking stay here. Someone's gonna notice you're not in your room."

No one will be up for another couple of hours but I can't have her accidentally falling asleep in here. She's the one who's more cautious about getting caught anyway. After hiding so much shit from all of my friends, it's hard for me to add another secret to the list. Removing one would be much better but I can't seem to do that yet. She doesn't stop rubbing circles on my back and says, "Tell me about yourself." It's like my words are going over her fucking head.

"No," I snap. I shut my eyes quickly, regretting my tone. "Why?" She doesn't seem to flinch. "I don't want to bore you to sleep," my voice is a lot calmer now, muffled too since my lips are more pressed against the pillow. "Hm, tell me one thing," she says, not denying the fact that I actually might bore her. I shake my head, "Not unless you tell me something first." Silence looms over us for a while and I think that I finally got her to stop asking. "My parents hate me." Her voice is much softer than it usually is.

I furrow my brows, confused. She's caught my attention now, so I turn back around to face her. I prop myself up on an elbow just like her. She doesn't meet my eyes until she does. I still wear confusion on my face. I remember when she said she had to get a job, it was because her parents cut her off financially. But saying something like my parents hate me is way bigger than that. Do parents who hate their kids even exist?

"Why do you think that?" I ask. I'll be honest, Maddy's not always likable, but these aren't some random people she's talking about. These are her parents. She starts playing with the fingers from my free hand that rests in front of me. Her gaze focused on my hand like if she looks up at me, it'll disappear. I think it's the only thing sort of distracting her so I don't make a comment about it. "I don't think that, I know it." I study her face for a second to see if I can catch any sign of emotion. Her eyes aren't completely visible to me at the moment, so I can't exactly figure it out. "Why do they hate you?" I question. She finally looks up at me and shakes her head.

"I told you something, now you have to tell me something about you," she says. Just when I think we're making progress. I feel like I know nothing but everything about this girl at the same time. Now it's my turn and I don't know what to tell her. I'm not about to throw something as fucked up as my parents hate me. Luckily mine don't — and didn't. "Uh, the night you found me all fucked up? I was at the gym, the boxing gym. I box," I say quickly, nodding my head. She lets out a chuckle. "What?" I ask.

"I told you my parents hate me and you tell me you box for fun?" she furrows her brows "you could've at least explained why you were the way you were when I found you." She shakes her head a bit. Well, that's true. Fuck it. "Some pussy from the gym I go to. He and his friends waited for me to leave and kicked my ass outside. I'm supposed to fight him in a boxing match and well, he doesn't want to fight me, so he beat the crap outta me since I wouldn't forfeit," I explain. Her face is expressionless as she says, "That's not cool." I shake my head and play with her fingers now. "No, it's not."

"Your turn, give me the explanation I wanted" I add. She tilts her head, "I thought we ourselves were choosing what we tell each other," she says. We never discussed that, but I guess I wouldn't want her to ask me something I know I won't answer to. What would she even ask me though? All the things I choose to hide about myself, she knows nothing about. "You can ask me something you want to know about me after you tell me this," I set the fair rule. She looks away again, probably thinking about how much she actually wants to tell me. It's something I'd do too.

After a while, she starts. "I've never felt loved by them. Not even when I was like super young," she shrugs "I can see it in their faces every time I'm in the room, every time we'd speak. I don't think I ever did anything to make them dislike me this much but obviously, something went wrong there. By the time I was a teenager I just kind of tuned them out completely. Moving states for college was singlehandedly the best decision I made," she tells me. She looks at me, finally, and her lips form a — fake— smile. "Your turn," she adds, not giving me a chance to reply.

Her turn cut kinda deep. I couldn't even imagine what she must have felt like growing up. Family should be the people who love you the most and not having that must hurt. Not hearing the words I love you from people you do love, cuts deep. I'm glad I've never had to experience it, but now I know two people who felt something like that growing up. "Hit me," I say. "Hmm," she hums, thinking. She looks at me, facial expressions are readable and definitely more serious. "Your dad, what happened there?"

What?

My mouth gapes in confusion. It's not exactly a secret but she didn't know about it. "That night at the haunted house with Max. You mentioned your dad and said was instead of is when talking about him," she says a bit lowly. How could I fucking forget? I pinch the bridge of my nose and let out a weak chuckle. It's only fair I answer her since she answered me, right? Just because I tell her about my dad doesn't mean I have to bring up my depression. That's something I'm certain she doesn't know about since nobody does.

"Yeah, he passed away a couple of years back," I nod "car accident." I clear my throat. I don't like going into all the details and I'm not about to show emotion around Maddy. "I can't even imagine," she cups my cheek, lifting my face to meet her eyes "you must miss him all the time." She didn't say I'm sorry for your loss, which is usually what everyone says and I'm thankful she didn't. I don't know why people apologize as if it's their fault. I've heard enough I'm sorries for my father's death. It wasn't anyone's fault.

I shrug off her hand smoothly. "Yeah," is all I say. She's right, I do miss him all the time, but that's the hard part about it. Losing my father is an open wound that will never heal. Even when I think it's starting to, one little thing opens it right back up. "There you go, Madison Hayes. I was somewhat vulnerable with you, just warn me whenever you're about to use it against me," I wince at the thought. Her being pissed at me and using my father's death as a jab.

She sits up fully and I follow her movements. "What?" she asks. I shrug, "You heard me," I stutter slightly. I run a hand through my short hair, my hand shaking a bit. "Why the fuck would I ever use that against you? Is that how much of a terrible person you see me as?" she retorts. I shrug again. "You've said some pretty fucked up shit in the past. I wouldn't exactly put it past you." She's said fucked up things to me and other people. I've been around her in group settings enough to know this.

She scoffs and rips the blanket off her body, getting out of the bed. "I may not be the nicest person on planet fucking earth but I would never do that," she snaps. She hides her cover, of course, keeping her voice down. If she's hurt, I can't see it. "I'm going to sleep," she says before walking quickly out of my room. I sigh heavily when she shuts the door, falling back onto the mattress.

I think I might have fucked that up.